Not Quite the 12 Steps You Were Looking For

To conclude my 3 part series on the gloriousness of alcohol, I'm going to take you into dangerous territory. This blog will not be for the faint of heart. This blog will take you on the path of a fully functional alcoholic's day. From what I hear, (ehem) there are 6 Stages of a Daily Alcoholic. I don't recommend trying this, even for one day, as it may cause vomiting, memory loss, firing, explosive diarrhea, loss of respect from friends, family, and peers, and, finally, respect from me if you can do it without blacking out before stage 6. Remember, this is with a 2 meal diet because all that liquid will probably take up a lot of room.

Stage #1: Eye-Opener
Drink: If you're a coffee person, then a coffee with whiskey, Bailey's, both, or whatever you think could work. If you aren't a coffee person (chances are you aren't an alcohol. Good for you!), a bloody mary or a screwdriver would suffice. Get all your vitamins with your alcohol!
Benefits of Stage #1: The morning is a bad time for people that have to get up and go to work. Nobody likes to work, unless you're a house-sitter in Beverly Hills. So a little alcohol could help ease the pain of getting ready and going to your slave trade.
Detriments of Stage #1: People tend to frown upon morning drinking. If you get pulled over smelling like booze at 8:30AM, you a) need to get some gum and cologne, b) are an idiot, or c)need to flirt with the cop. Other than that, Stage #1 is the most important stage in the dangerous game of alcoholism. Yes, it is a game, and you can win.
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: Masturbating to a Miley Cyrus music video

Stage #2: The Morning Grind
Drink: Vodka looks like water. Buy a water bottle, throw it out, and fill it up with vodka. Ta Da! You are now drunk at work without anyone knowing.
Benefits of Stage #2: Obviously work is hard enough to get through without alcohol. That vodka will make the day seem like a cakewalk. If you're shy at work, it's perfect because you'll seem like the fun-loving employee. However, if you do this, you need to keep it up or have a good excuse (i.e. you're depressed, your mom died, you got AIDS). Work will seem fun! Trust me, everything is better when you're drunk. Except getting hit on by a transvestite. That's worse.
Detriments of Stage #2: Besides the obvious "you'll get fired if you get caught" dilemma, Stage #2 does have a number of potential problems. If you get too drunk at work, people might suspect you have a problem or you are fucking crazy. Also, if the quality of your work deteriorates, people will start getting pissed at you and start to wonder "since when did they put crack in Aquafina?" Make sure you kind of take a little precaution so you don't end up living like Chris Farley in "Billy Madison."
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: Getting a boner while watching "Oprah"

Stage #3: Lunchtime!
Drink: If you have time to go to a restaurant, the following are socially acceptable for lunch: wine, beer, champagne, and margaritas if you're at a Mexican restaurant. Acceptable side dish: drunken booty call at noon. If, however, you can't go out for lunch, then I have one word for you: thermos. Nobody questions the thermos. Pour your fav into the thermos, and you'll be more sauced than a Crunchwrap Supreme.
Benefits of Step #3: By lunch, you may be losing your buzz. If you don't continue drinking, you'll get tired and maybe even a little hungover. Point: drinking at lunch keeps your buzz going so you can continue to work hard. Many, many people would disagree with that statement. I say: I really liked Season 1 of Tila Tequila's show but Season 2 seems so contrived and not up to standard. Oh, and fuck many, many people.
Detriments of Step#3: If you go out, someone might see you drinking and be on to you. Or someone in the workplace might smell the alcohol from the thermos. Solutions to either problem: deny, deny, deny. Oh, and deny.
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: A little less pathetic than sniffing glue in your mother's basement at age 26.

Stage #4: Happy Hour!
Drink: Any sort of cocktail. Happy Hour is not for beer.
Benefits of Stage #4: Well, you're done with work. You want to celebrate being done with work, even though it was more like an all-day work party. Now you can slowly begin your descent into what I like to call "blackoutville." Invite some co-workers out, maybe a few that you know well enough, so that the ones that you don't really know that really won't figure out that its the alcohol fueling your personality. Invite a few friends that you don't work with as well, and maybe your girlfriend if she's still talking to you at this point in your life.
Detriments of Stage #4: Since you're already drunker than any of the Baldwin brothers besides Alec, there is a danger that you won't be able to go on after Stage #4. See people will be wondering why you're sort of nursing your drink. My answer: you are a pussy. Dinner is coming up anyway, so you'll sober up. Order a few rounds for everybody to distract attention away from yourself. Also, make sure you don't go to a bar that you frequently attend. Anywhere that a bartender knows you're name will have you called into your bosses office the next day to discuss how much time you'll need to spend in A.A. to keep your job. Side note: don't make a scene. Yet.
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: Not very high, about on par with leaving your kid at home to score some dope.

Stage #5: Din Din
Drink: Beer. Only beer. This. Is. Not. A. Choice.
Benefits of Stage #5: After Happy Hour, you will be hammered, presuming you've followed the steps diligently. If you're gonna stay at the pub and have dinner or go out, make sure you get something that has potatoes or something hearty to absorb the alcohol a little. You're gonna need for later. Of course, you don't want to lose your buzz completely. Grab a pint of beer to wash down that steak and baked potato to keep a little buzz. Then, you'll feel a lot less drunk and ready to go for the most important step yet.
Detriments of Stage #6: Ever ate something after a long night of drinking and had it make you sick? Well, that has a very good chance of happening here. So don't order anything too greasy or high in fat. Plus, that with the beer might put you over the edge to a point where the only stop you'll be making on the way home to pass out will be at the garbage dumpster in the alley behind the bar while you're vomiting. Ahhhh, memories.
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: On par with Screech from "Saved By the Bell" making a sex tape.

Stage #6: Painting the Town ____
Drink: Beer, shots, whatever the fuck you want.
Benefits of Stage #6: Here's the stage where anything goes. There are no rules. Before you know it, you'll be toasting shots to people you've never meet before, hitting on girls way out of your league, and start to define the word "belligerent." Stage 6 has no rules, because during the time period that Stage #6 falls under, no one's going to judge you too hard for letting loose a little. In fact, many people will be Stage 6'n at the same time. Although they may not have been drinking all day, they are drinking heavily now. So follow suit. It's time to treat your liver like Mike Tyson treats women. Or like China treats a couple's third child.
Detriments of Stage #6: Death, alcohol poisoning, vomiting, hangovers, unprotected sex with "uggos," STDs, defecating in your pants, pissing yourself, waking up somewhere you don't recognize, "beer shits," banishment from certain establishments, jail time, bruises from fighting, "unable to perform," liver damage, loss of respect, tremors, and regret.
But really, what could go wrong?
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: Tackling Tiger Woods on the 18th hole at the Master's while he's putting for the win, just so you can get on TV.
Drunk, of course.


WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT
(Unless you're an alcoholic, looking for a drinking challenge, going on a bender, or just broke up with you're long-term girlfriend)
I hope you can learn some life lessons from this blog. Like, for instance, that being an alcoholic takes hard work and dedication. But enough about drinking, I've had enough for now. I'll have to switch it up soon enough. Since I've just graduated college and have no job prospects whatsoever, I'm sure you'll get your fair share of blogging out of me. Can you believe it? 3 blogs in a row that had nothing to do with music, movies, or any sort of electric entertainment. Drinking is good, but it needs a break. At least from this blog. Here is a video proving that if alcohol never had been invented, YouTube would just be a bunch of music videos.