Cities are the Abyss of the Human Species

You like the title of today's blog? Always optimistic Frenchman Jean-Jacques Rousseau once said it, although I'm not sure in what context. Who cares. Anyways, I thought I'd talk a little about cities today. Namely, big cities. No, no, silly gooses, I don't mean big cities like Bangkok or Ho Chi Mihn City. I mean places with long names. Really long names. Like Polish names. These cities are a mouthful and not the kind you'd want to swallow. These are the 6 Longest Place Names Worldwide. Chew before you swallow, unless your a girl.

6. Villa Real de la Santa Fé de San Francisco de Asis
Yo, Where You At? It is the official name of Santa Fe, New Mexico
Length and Translation: At 40 letters, it translates from Spanish as "Royal City of the Holy faith of St. Francis of Assisi"
Real Pretty: Santa Fe's great and all, but did you ever wonder why there is a New Mexico when the old one isn't very good to begin with? Me too. Anyways, this place was obviously named to honor St. Francis Im-a-sissy. In other news, New Mexico came in 42 out of 50 in "States I'd want to visit." They could make it like Tijuana in Old Mexico and maybe more people would go there. Whatever, this is the least interesting of the long names on the list so moving on would be an ideal situation for me, you, and the people of New Mexico. All 34 of them.


5. Chargoggagoggmanchaugagoggchaubunagungamaug
Yo, Where You At? A lake near Webster, Massachussetts
Length and Translation: At 43 letters long, it translates from an Indian language to mean "You fish on your side, I'll fish on mine, and no one fishes in the middle." Or they could have just named it Divided Lake. Seems a bit much to me.
Hey G,g,g,g,g,g,g: Indians didn't want English settlers to be able to pronounce the name, thus Charg....maug. (Fuck you, I'm not typing that all out. We're still on #5, I'd prefer not to get carpal tunnel) Oh, those Nipmuck Indians! Interesting fact you didn't know about Indians: People still don't generally care about them. You could argue that they've been more prosecuted than black people in our country but nobody brings it up. Let's move on though I have a reservation for two in 45 minutes. No pun intended, chief.

4. El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles de la Porciúncula
Yo, Where You At? Some people also call this city "Los Angeles"
Length and Translation: At 57 letters, it can be translated from Spanish to mean "The town of our lady the queen of the angles of the little portion." The mystery of what that "little portion" is has eluded historians for years. Some say it means it's a little portion of Spain, though. (Hint: it is)
Why How Extra-Fabulously-Fabulous: Although technically it is one of the longest place names in the world, it also lies on the other end of the spectrum as having the shortest nickname for a city in the world. So they've really done some nipping and tucking on the name of the city. Even as God has tried to destroy this unholy city through large earthquake, wildfires, and Latino immigrants, Los Angeles has thrived as one of those cities everyone wants to live in but is annoyed with when they aren't living it because they can't. Make sense? Good, let's rocket along here.

3. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob wllllantysiliogogogoch
Yo, Where You At? Town on the island on Anglesy in Wales, part of the United Crapdom.
Length and Translation: At 58 letters, it translates from Welsh (which is really easy to pronounce) as "St. Mary's Church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the rapid whirlpool of the church of St. Tysilo near the red cave." Ummmmm, K.
Viking Quest: The name was given to the town in the 19th century to try and make it a tourist center, but then people found out it was in Wales they said "Fuck it dude, let's go to Amsterdam and get loaded." As if Welsh wasn't difficult enough to pronounce those Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysiliogogogoch-ites decided to make everybody's head explode as they tried to read the town's name while passing through. I don't even know where to begin when trying to pronounce the name of this town. Out of pure vocubular jealousy, 2 other towns attempted to outdo the (insert town name here)-ites by giving their train stations extremely long names but one was unofficial and the other, it was found, actually did not make sense at all. In other news, Wales has moved down to 112 on my "Countries I'd Like to Visit or Talk About."

2. Taumatawhakatangihangak oauauotamateaturipukaka pikimaungahoronukupokaiwhe nua kitanatahu
Yo, Where You At? At 305 meter high hill located in southern Hawke's Bay, New Zealand
Length and Translation: At a whopping 85 letters long, this hilly adventure of a name translates to "The place where Tamatea, the man with big knees, who slid, climbed, and swallowed mountains, known as land-eater, played on the flute to his loved one." Other names considered: "The place where Tamatea, the man with on his knees, who laid, climbed, and swallowed, known as man-eater, played on the flute of his loved one." Props to me for that.
Hilltopper: Oh those Maori's. Maori itself means "normal," which is pretty funny because why would you name yourself "Normal"? Whatever. The point is that these Oceanic peoples have extremely mind-numbing languages. I'd imagine learning Maori would take longer than learning how to travel back in time to free the slaves, which is pointless anyway because then you would get shot by some Southern cotton producer while running away with Joe Kathatamanda and Nair'o'baaeaa Smith. But seriously, this is a hill. This has moved up to 1,403,203 on my list of "Things I Would Like To See in Person, Pictures, or My Mind," just ahead of the new Eddie Murphy movie "Meet Dave".

1. Krung thep mahanakhon bovorn ratanakosin mahintharayutthaya mahadilok pop noparatratchathani burirom udomratchanivetmahasathan amornpiman avatarnsathit sakkathattiyavisnukarmprasit
Yo, Where You At? Otherwise known as Bangkok, Thailand
Length and Translation: At a disgustingly ridiculous 167 letters it is whatever 167 minus 85 is more than the second longest. (Give me a break, I did calculus all week). It means "The city of angels, the great city, the residence of the Emerald Buddha, the impregnable city (of Ayutthaya) of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukarn." It'll always be a way to just hit someone in the nuts after you ask them what the capital of Thailand is to most people, though.
I'm the Emerald Buddha, w/o the Weight Problem: Bangkok is rated as the best tourist destination in all of Asia, outdoing Tokyo, Beijing, and Ulan Bator in Mongolia. It's famous for its nightlife, shopping, and "rub and tug" massage parlors. The long name was derived from some guy who arrived there and thought "I'll take a quote from everyone that lives here about the city and put it all together to form the city's name!" This man is now known as "Kwai Mah" which, for those of you that don't know Thai, roughly translates to "Dog's Dick". Which is funny, because I believe that's the #4 at the Thailand McDonalds. Bangkok has officially moved up to 7th on my list of "Places I'd Go if I was Married, Not Getting Any, and Had a Good Excuse to Disappear for a Week."

Well, I hope you enjoyed my excellent blogging on various tongue twisting place names from across the globe. I've had a bit of writer's block lately so sorry for any anguish or panic attacks my lack of blogging has caused you recently. For now, I must say goodbye. But remember: you can't spell delicious unless you have Portillos. Or a 3rd grade education. Peace, love, and la-gon.