BeerFest

In Part 2 in my 3 part series of "Why Drinking is Awesome" series, I'll be taking a look at the 7 Best Beer Festivals from Around the World. See, Beer's good. You drink beer, I drink beer, hell, if you don't drink beer, you're not reading this blog. Everyone loves beer, it's like chocolate or sex. Or chocolate during sex. Mmmm....Ehem...Anyways, people like drinking different kinds of beer in large crowds acting all drunk like and pretending their petty problems will go away at the sip of a glass. Fuck it, there's no harm in trying.

7. Mondial de la Biere
Location and Date: Montreal, Canada during the end of May to early June
Beers Offered: Beers from 11 U.S. states, all over Canada, France, Italy, and Belgium. All in all, over 500 different types of beer.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Along with its excellent selection, the prices are relatively cheap. Most beers range from about $3-$5 and are presumably alcoholic. The festival has world renowned DJs and other musical acts. Dance Music + Drunk People = ______. I'm sure you can fill in the blank. This Canadian festival, which has moved Canada up to #2 on North American countries I might consider visiting, also has Cheese workshops, so you can learn how to clog your arteries quicker and more effectively. They have cooking with beer, imported beer, domestic beer, sake (the Jap drink) workshops as well. Remember how we were talking about chocolate earlier? They also have a chocolate and beer workshop which, if I remember correctly, will take place in my hotel room.
Stupid Drunks:

6. Great World Beer Festival
Location and Date: Occurs in New York City the last weekend in October.
Beers Offered: Beers from most major brewing companies, including some beers from Japan, Belgium, Germany and France. A little over 100 beers.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Besides being the only beer festival on this list from the good ole U.S.A., samples are unlimited. Although it is a bit pricey to get in at $60 and it's only 4 hours long per session, any efficient college student or alum knows that 4 hours is plenty of time to drink a bathtub full of beer. They say they'll kick you out if you get too drunk but I wouldn't worry about that. New Yorkers are usually pretty understanding. Just let them know you are a paying customer, you want more beer, and that you aren't a douchebag since you don't live in New York.
Stupid Drunks:

5. Farnham Beer Exhibition
Location and Date: Farnham, United Kingdom held annually around the last few weeks of April
Beers Offered: Traditional beers in the Farnham area, especially those from Hogs Back Brewery and Crondall Brewery.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Tradition. It's the oldest annual beer festival in England, which means nothing to me, but might to some. The pint glasses they hand out for you to sample with are collectibles and the older ones are worth some coin. Also, it's for a good cause. Most of the money raised goes to local charities. It's not for the rowdy crowd, but if you want to enjoy some traditional beer and take it easy, this is the place for you. Not for me though, I would never go to England.
Stupid Drunks:

4. Great British Beer Festival
Location and Date: West London, England during the first full week in August
Beers Offered: Over 450 Beers, with 250 coming from Britain and the rest coming from USA, Belgium, Germany, and Ireland, the only countries that know how to make beer not taste like dog piss.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Well, besides the obvious reasons of getting drunk off a ton of different beer, the GBBF has been known to attract high profile musical performances such as David Bowie, Muse, Radiohead, RHCP, Pink Floyd, Zepplin, Oasis, U2, and The Who. If you don't like any of those bands, stop reading my blog you communist fuck. Beer and music are like penis and vagina: they were just meant to go together.
Stupid Drunks:

3. Kitchner-Waterloo Oktoberfest
Location and Date: Kitchner-Waterloo, Ontario, Canada throughout 9 days at some point in October
Beers Offered: Many Canadian and German beers, as Kitchner was formerly named Munich.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Well, if nothing else, it's an excuse for a 9 day vacation/bender. Canada and Germany consistently provide us with quality beer, so you won't be cheated. They have a parade, games for children, a "University Night," musical performances, and (perhaps the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever) an entire night dedicated to Canadian hip-hop. "I said "eh?" what's that aboot?, I just went to the beer parlour and ordered a stout." I'd pay just for that. The only drawback: you'll be in Canada.
Stupid Drunks: Notice the spot mid-way through that would get you shot in Texas:


2. Gaubodenvolksfest
Location and Date: Straubing, Germany during a 10 day period some time in August.
Beers Offered: Only beer from the Straubing and Straubing-Bogen districts are allowed to be served.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Over 1.2 million people attend this fest every year, and many Germans come in their folk costumes. The festival has 120 carousels (uhh...why?), roller coasters, and, most importantly, seven beer tents that can seat 24,000 people either. They have sporting events, parades, fireworks, romantic parades for couples, shows, music, sex orgies, and beer tents. Basically, if you don't think you really want to go to this, you don't have a soul. You can go whitewater riding or horseback riding or ride the MOTHERFUCKING bumper cars, which might possibly be the only way you can legally drink and drive. Plus, if there's 1.2 million people there and there is a large amount of drinking, there has to be a chance for pussy for even the ugliest fat, sausage eating German.
Stupid Drunks:

1. Oktoberfest
Date and Location: Held in Munich, Germany for 16 days in October
Beers Offered: Served by the Big 6 German breweries: Lowenbrau, Spaten, Augustiner, Hofbrau, Paulaner, and Hacker-Pshcorr.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Over 5 million people attend Oktoberfest every year, 15% of those being foreigners. Over 6 million jugs of beer are sold, and one million pounds of meat are consumed. There are 14 beer tents with seating and a feature numerous drunken morons, hopefully one of them being me in the future. Although the beer is very expensive, there are millions of people there with you, dressed in ridicuous clothing, eating hearty meat, and getting rowdy. There are rides, music, and beer. If you don't know about Oktoberfest already, shame on you. Go book your flight.
Stupid Drunks: Also at Oktoberfest, you can see hot German women kissing each other. With beer in their hands. Is it....is it heaven?


I hope you're enjoying my series on drinking. I'll give you one more post sometime this week to rap up my 3 part series. Unfortunately, I have never attended events such as these. That will have to change in the near future. I'll try and switch it up for the next blog and try and focus on liquor, since these last two have been about beer. Until then, drink up ladies, it's going to be a long, hard ride for most of you! Guten Tag Herr!