6. Just Blow It
Product Endorsed: Tipalet Cigarettes
Creepy You Say? Well, the mere connotation that you could blow in someone's face to force them to follow you everywhere is a little creepy. Never mind the woman's face makes her look like a perfect candidate for "The Manchurian Candidate" sequel. It also begs the question: can Tipalet Cigarettes be used to commit crimes such as rape, murder, robbery, or cross-breeding? The answer is yes.
If It Happened Today: Female protesters would be all over this one, claiming that the ad is offensive, that they wouldn't follow men because of smoke, and it is women, not men, who are supposed to be doing the blowing. Also, males (mostly virgins in their mid-30s) would be at the protest with packs of Tipalet, claiming false advertising on their ways home to go jerk off.
5. "9/11" in 1979
Product Endorsed: 1979 Pakistan Airlines ad
Creepy You Say? It may have not seemed as creepy back then, but with the aftermath of 9/11 still lingering, this could be considered creepy, especially for its an airline where a lot of terrorists are hanging out. Also creepy: the fact that the plane's shadow is big enough to take out both WTC's. But, as we now know, terrorists love United's discounted rates on domestic flights. PIA also sounds like a cover for a terrorist organization. I'll say "Pakistan's Ill-Advised Advertisers".
If it Happened Today? Well, since nobody wants to go to Pakistan, unless they are craving some tasty-ass Sugarcane Juice (now in Curry flavor!), Pakistan airlines would not only go out of business but also see a barrage of Molotov cocktails thrown into their headquarters by a bunch of pissed-off Southerners, screaming "Go Back ta Africa!"
4. Baby Razor
Product Endorsed: Gillette Razors
Creepy You Say? I don't know about you, but I didn't start shaving til I was about 17. So the fact that this baby has a razor, without a parent watching it, makes me a tad bit concerned for the safety of the baby. Also, what the hell is that baby wearing on its head? Is that to cover up its male-pattern baldness? I do not want a baby armed with a razor sitting on the floor when I enter the bathroom. I would have nightmares for years. Finally, stropping and honing sound like crimes that involve some sort of child abuse.
If it Happened Today? Babies might get ideas, parents would stop sleeping, and 1,000 new dead baby jokes would be created within minutes. Gillette's advertising employees would also find themselves as employed as me (re: not). I looked up stropping and honing for you, just for kicks and gigs. Stropping is refining a blade to make it sharper and honing is sharpening the edges of tools. So, you know, things that you do to make knives kill people.
3. Light it Up for Santa
Product Endorsed: Lucky Stripe Cigarettes
Creepy You Say? This ad is so blatantly aimed at kids that it makes you wonder why they didn't just have a kid smoking (hint: wait for #2). Santa is a representation of all that is good and spirity about Christmas. That little note says the spirit is found in the fucking cigarettes! To make things inherently worse, what kind of person do you have to be to give cigarettes as a Christmas gift? (Hint: a good one)
If it Happened Today? Since Lucky Stripe is no longer selling (at least not much), it wouldn't happen. But for the sake of hypotheticalness, if that is a word at all, Lucky Stripe's reputation would be a shot as the slaves that used to work on tobacco farms. SANTA DOESN'T FUCKING SMOKE! HE'S A FAT, JOLLY, GIVING MOTHERFUCKER! GODDAMN YOU LUCKY STRIPE FOR TRYING TO TELL ME SANTA SMOKES! FUCK YOU!
Whew.
Anyways....
2. Baby Cancer
Product Endorsed: Marlboro Cigarettes
Creepy You Say? Do I need say? The baby is jealous of his dad getting cigs. Besides the disturbingly terrible idea of placing a baby on a cigarette ad, how bout the fine print? "You can never be over-smoked-that's the miracle of marlboro." Listen, cigarettes aren't a miracle. They're about as much of a miracle as the Ebola Virus or Jesus being born (re: not miracles. Mary had sex, and she had it hard. Props though to her for getting people to believe her. I digress...) The ad implies that the baby has smoked before. That fucking kid isn't even ONE yet. What genius thought of this one, Carlos Mencia? See, this is why cigarettes aren't allowed to have commercials. They get away with everything.
If it Happened Today: Lawsuit, lawsuit, lawsuit. Marlboro would still be the highest grossing cigarette company, people will still smoke, and Gilbert Godfrey would still have the most annoying voice ever. Really nothing would change. Cigarette companies make more money than drug dealers and basically do the same thing. Bastards. I need to get in on this, immediately.
1. It's Like the Gym Coach from "Mean Girls"
Product Endorsed: Anti-Sex and Prostitution ad
Creepy You Say? I saw this ad and I immediately lost my boner. Which was good, because it was going on 3 and a half hours and I didn't want to have to contact my physician. However, you may wonder why I placed this ad for smoking babies, razor babies, smoking santa clauses, and other horrors. Well, look at the pretty girl. You want to have sex with her. But if you do you are going to get syphilis or gonorrhea, or both if that's even possible. If you do that, you won't be able to defeat the Axis of Evil (i.e. Nazis, Japan, and Wal-Mart). So if you have sex with this girl, the world will turn into half German, half Japanese people searching for low bargain prices. Sound good to you? Then you are a goddamn socialist whore who belongs in a textile factory in Northern Vietnam making my new LeBron shoes or whatever the kids are wearing these days. Long story short, this ad ruins 3 of the top 5 things in life: sex, people you can pay to have sex, and defeating evil in the name of good. (re: the other 2 things are alcohol and Irish people, which are basically the same thing)
If it Happened Today: Eh, I'd probably still have sex. That is, if I can get my ban lifted at Madame Ruhbdowne's place.
Well, sorry for the delay in blogging. It won't happen again, pinky swear! As I continue my journey through the real world, which is moving slowly so far, I'll try to make time to blog about things that really matter. Like old ad's, the greatest duels, and continuously praising my suicide weapon, alcohol. Anyways, don't fret for I will be back before you can say "Michael Phelps probably listens to gangster rap in between races. I just can't decide if it's Ludacris or Dre." Bon voyage, shipmates!
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