Drinking Culture

Drinking is fun. Assuming you read this blog, you'd have to be drunk as Lindsay Lohan at an open bar. So since you love alcohol and I'm obsessed with it, I'm writing part 1 of my "3 Part Series on the Gloriousness of Drinking." I'll overview the best drinking festivals, a third part that I'm still working on, and today's blog, which will overview the 6 Greatest Beer Drinking Countries. Not surprisingly, the USA is not on the list. In fact, it's not even in the Top 10. However, that can't possibly be the fault of any of my readers, since if you read this sober, even I think your crazy. What the hell is wrong with you? Pussy.

6. England
Avg. Beer per Capita: 99 Liters (roughly 279 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Stella Arotis, Guinness, Carling, and Foster's
Reasons for Drinking: If you think college drinking is bad in the USA (or good, depending on how you look at it), head over to Britain. Most of Europe is acutally pretty tame when it comes to bing drinking. Even in the 18th Century, St. Boniface told the Archbishop to "put down the beer bong and convert some God damned pagans!" Drunkenness is frowned upon in most of Europe, but in the UK it's encouraged from a young age on, to go out and get as fucked up as a hobo. Over 1 million emergency room visits were related to alcohol consumption in the UK and guess what? It's a shame it wasn't 2 million, you fucking British pussies.
Problem or Not? No way, binge drinking may have cost them 20 billion pounds but how much did it make them? Exactly. Plus, it rains alot and there's nothing to do outside but play soccer. They should, however, focus on the alarming "yellow teeth" epidemic that has overrun the country.
You think binge drinking is a problem in Britain? Puhhhlease, watch this segment from Booze Britain that will surely convince you otherwise.


5. Austria
Avg. Beer per Capita: 108.3 liters (roughly 305 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Stiegl, Ottakringer, Wieselburger, a bunch of other beers with terribly long, difficult names.
Reasons for Drinking: In Austria, you can buy beer when you are 16. With so many different breweries and different types of beer, pressure to consume large quantities of beer must be too much for the Austrian people to bear. Different parts of Austria want their beer to do well and, thus, binge drink. Also, their culture has been influenced by neighboring Germany and Bohemia, which we will surely talk about shortly. In addition, they like to yodel, folk dance, and ski which all involve getting drunk before hand. Also, Austrian women are supposedly not fun to look at, as Austria is famed for its sweets, so beer might help loosen up the eyes, pants, and women.
Problem or No? No way, they would be doing all their breweries a disservice by not drinking this much. Plus, its Austria. Yea, its got a lot of culture, but if you live there....I guess you could ski....or drink.
Drink Stiegl and you'll get laid. Proof:


4. Australia
Avg. Beer per Capita: 109.9 Liters (roughly 310 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Victoria Bitter, Carlton Draught, XXXX Bitter, West End Draught
Reasons for Drinking: Binge drinking is very common in Australia and their culture is much like Britain's except with a worse accent and better teeth. Drunkenness has been a problem since Britain started dropping off criminals down there. It used to be rum, now it has gravitated towards beer. Beer is also sold in larger bottles, drunken in larger glasses, and enjoyed in larger groups. Also, it's hot so people need a drink. Why not quench your thirst with alcohol? It's one thing Australians do right, unlike their anything else. (I've never thought about it, but what does Australia do?)
Problem or No? Let's say no, but it could be. Aussie's like to box kangaroo's and crazy shit like that so maybe it is a problem. Their beer doesn't look that great, even compared to the watered down junk we serve in the USA. We're gonna say no with a good chance of Australia becoming nothing more than a bunch of drunken criminals, much like they were when Australia was founded. Whateva, Yo.
Typical Australian fuckers:


3. Germany
Avg. Beer per Capita: 116 Liters (327 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Pilsner, Marzen, Beck's, Krombacher Pils, Warsteiner
Reasons for Drinking: Germany has over 1,000 breweries. Beer is deeply rooted in German culture. Alcohol content is usually raised in their beers, so as they might not be the top in the world, they have to close to the drunkest. German beers have a reputation for being a high quality brew, since they enacted a "beer purity law" which limits the amount of ingredients put into the beer. Plus, they eat a lot of salty foods and have hideous women, making it extremely necessary to drink a ton of beer. I mean, Germany isn't a very funny country by reputation so they obviously need beer to lighten the mood up a little bit. Plus, Germany has this complex where they need to upstage everyone, even in beer drinking. Yet, they are still number 3. Poor Germans. Can't even wipe out the Jews or win a beer competition.
Problem or No? What's the worst that could happen? I mean, what has Germany ever done in times of trouble that would be bad for everyone? I mean, Germany will give up its beer like most men will give up their penis: never.
As much as I have bashed Germans, they have the best beer commercials ever.


2. Ireland
Beer per Capita: 131 Liters (roughly 369 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Guinness. That's fucking it.
Reasons for Drinking: Hmm, why do the Irish drink? Years of repression and anguish? Having the greatest beer ever produced brewed in their country? I don't know for sure but I'd guess that'd have something to do with it. Binge drinking is "the norm" in Ireland and beer is the provider of good feelings. More than half of Irish males binge drink at least once a week. This really is one stereotype that is true (ex: Me). Irish people drink at almost every occasion and more often then not it turns into a drunken shitfest. They have more drinking songs than anyone, more kids than anyone, and more toasts than anyone. Coincidence? Obviously not. However, before technology was brought around, people needed shit to do. So the Irish frequented pubs, sang songs, drank beer, had kids, started fights, and did the motherfucking Irish jig, which is damn cooler than folk dancing or any other shit. Besides, it rains alot, Ireland is small and the Irish don't feel like thinking of stuff to do, so we drink and let it come to us. Other theories are that the Irish tend to take life less seriously since its been alot worse in their pasts. Drinking helps you get happy or forget. The Irish need to do both.
Problem or No? Hell no, if they stopped making Guinness I wouldn't have a reason to wake up.
If you didn't have the Irish, you wouldn't have a drunken midget getting his ass kicked. You're Welcome:


1. Czech Republic
Avg. Beer per Capita: 157 Liters (roughly 443 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Budweiser Budvar (no relation to Busch), Pilsner Urquell, Gambrinus, Kozel, Radegast
Reasons for Drinking: The Czech's developed the first Pilsner method and have had breweries present in the country since around the 12th century. Hops are plentiful in the country and used for domestic production and imports. Before the Czech's, there was no golden beer. The Budweiser Budvar, one of the Czech Rep.'s most popular beers, was actually the influence for the American Budweiser, which copied it but the names aren't allowed in the respective countries they are produced in. The only reason I can come up with is that Czech's are around beer all the time, pubs are all over the place, and ID checking is a rarity. The pubs were a place to escape communism. Czech's don't binge drink as much as Americans even but they drink almost everyday and from a much younger age. Therefor, they can down a little more than Americans before getting drunk (which is true of a lot of countries anyway). But you go Czech Republic, I never thought you'd be number 1. At anything.
Problem or No? Well, I haven't said its a problem for Germany or Australia, so what makes you think I'll say it's a problem here? Let them have their glory, douchebags.
Bums. Drinking. Beer.


Sexellent! I hope you enjoyed this damn blog, it took fucking forever to write. And I was sober. Since Americans are so far down on this list, maybe I should be drinking more and more to boost our ranking. It's the least I could do for my country. And you can do it too! Let's unite and get hammered to help our country! Anyways, I hope you'll join me again soon for my next blog in my 3 Part Series on Drinking. Next will be the best drinking festivals in the world! You'll enjoy it, I promise. Until then, Zbohem!
Enjoy a video of drunk people!