Together in Perfect Harmony

Now that I've done my necessary Oscar blogging binge, I'll turn my attention to something more serious. Something that has to do with every single person on this Earth. From the loneliest eskimo (or Inuit, if your a stickler for extreme political correctness) to the hardest working Chinese manicurist, this blog will redefine the understanding of cultures, not to mention wipe out bigotry. What is one thing that unites the world? Nope, it's not sex. Cause if it was, anti-depressants would be useless. Music, regardless of culture, can unite people. There was nothing more annoying to me than hearing Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" all over Greece when I was there, or more baffling than hearing soccer crowds singing Elvis' "I Can't Help Falling in Love With You" in England. America has their songs but the rest of the world does too. Occasionally, the rest of the worlds songs are sung by Americans. Oh well. Every continent has their own anthem, even if it's sung from 5,000 miles away. So these are those songs. These are Songs with Continents as the Title. A song for every continent. "Heat of the Moment" doesn't count. (Know how I know your gay? You didn't get that reference)

"Antarctica"
Sung By? American indie rockers The Weepies
Best Cultural Reference: "Under ice there's a world moving slow, Carnelian stars and the bars down below serve only vodka and gin, I try to stay drunk so nobody knows"
On the Rocks: The Weepies sings sad songs. Antarctica is a sad, lonely place occupied only by scientists who have never had sex, nor care about the pursuit of it. So it seems fitting that The Weepies would sing the Antarctic theme. This is a little more upbeat than the average resident of Antarctica, but all those penguins and polar bears don't mind. But as The Weepies sing about Antarctica as their "only living relative," something is missing (maybe an aunt?). The song is pretty good but Antarctica is not. So it doesn't fit. Antarctica's anthem should be more like a bad karaoke singer's version of The Beatles "Hey Jude": too long and mind-numbingly harsh on the ears. The Weepies make Antarctica not sound half bad. Or maybe not, if they need to stay drunk so nobody knows. And only vodka and gin? How bout some variety? Man, I know scientists aren't very creative but it doesn't take a genius to make a Jack and Coke. One thing I want answered about Antarctica: what the hell are Carnelian stars? (googles) Oh, reddish brown stars. That's a pretentious lyric.



"Australia"
Sung By? American Indie rockers The Shins
Best Cultural Reference: "Faced with a dodo's conundrum, I felt like I could fly, but nothing happened every time I tried."
No Men at Work: I came close to choosing The Jonas Brothers' song "Australia" but I decided I'd rather live like Michael J. Fox for a day. I actually don't think the song is about Australia, but who knows with indie rock? A song called "Jesus" could be about the meaning behind "Air Bud." Besides, can anyone write a serious song about the greatness of Australia? "Australia, Australia, the great penal colony of lore, my great-grandma was sent here cause the English thought she was a whore." The Shins do well to capture the sunny disposition of the country, if that was their intention, and the Aussie's are proud of it. And they should be, since the band probably put the names of countries in a hat and drew "Australia" for this song. But that's what's great about Australia. It's only heard about at random. The one thing the song is missing about Aussie culture is the vulgarity. Besides the koala bears and opera house, that's the best thing about the Aussie culture. I mean, right now they would tell me to "Fuck off, ya bedpan drinking cunt." I mean, who thinks of that? Well, I did. And the rest of America should take a cue from the Aussie's and become more creative with their vulgarity. All we say is "fuck you" and "you're an asshole". Instead, why don't you say something more insulting? Like, "your mother drinks out of my toilet, but only when i let her." I could totally be an Aussie. But I could just never get intp their national sport of kangaroo boxing.


"America"
Sung By? Neil Diamond
Best Cultural Reference: "Everywhere around the world, they're coming to America."
Star Spangled Thinger: Nothing says America like a bunch of drunk Bostoners singing "Sweet Caroline" instead of the 7th inning stretch. His "America" hymnal, cheesy and lyrically lazy, is what America's all about. As Neil continually sings about other people coming to our beloved country, he never really mentions why (Nebraska and Fergie). Then there's the awesomely creative re-quoting of "My Country 'tis of Thee" at the end of the song, which must be better in concert or something. Where's the usual ultra-American patriotism? The sexual deviance of the piano solo? The hopes and dreams of a poor 18-year old Taiwanese immigrant that works in a "massage parlor"? Because THAT'S what America is all about, isn't it? Patriotism, Sexual Deviance, and barely legal rub-n-tugs. Neil Diamond, unfortunately, covers none of the three. So, since Neil couldn't capture the true nature of America in song, allow me to rewrite the lyrics to "The Star Spangled Banner":
"O say can you see, by "Red Dawn's" early fight sequence?
What so proudly we hail, at "Twilight's" next movie.
Which broad's striped see-through dress went out to the club,
while her fans watched, on the internet streaming?
Lindsay Lohan's red hair, her skirt lifted by the air
Gave us proof that night, that the carpet matches up there.
O say, which celebrity divorce will make single moms brave?
In the land of the free and the former home of the slave!"



"Africa"
Sung By? 80's Pop Punch line, Toto
Best Cultural Reference: "I bless the rains down in Africa."
It Needs Some AIDeS: Even though it's by a band named Toto, which was their second choice behind Daft Punk, "Africa" is a scintillating tune rivaling other Toto hits like "St George and the Dragon" and "All Us Boys." When you name your band after the dog from The Wizard of Oz, you are guaranteed to endure thousands upon thousands of gay jokes. Who better than to sing Africa's anthem? Since Africa has basically become the world's punchline (if people still know about it) anyway, Toto and the continent fit very well together. All joking aside, Toto's song is pretty good with a rather boss (yeah, I'm using that as an adjective) chorus. QUICK: Name 5 African countries in 10 seconds! (Waits...) Bet you couldn't do it. Toto could. Their song blesses the rains on the entire continent, which aren't many, but still...at least their trying. Which is more than I could say for most people. Like Keira Knightley. What did she ever do for Africans? (Starring in 12 set-in-England period pieces doesn't count. In fact, that didn't help anyone. To be fair though, Africa hasn't made many good films. I can't think of one, actually.) DUN DUN DUN.
Here's an awesome cover from an awesome fictional band in an awesome TV show. AWESOME.


"South America"
Sung By? American indie band The Shout Out Louds
Best Cultural Reference: "I was talking to a friend of mine, in the bright night club light"
It's Chile Down There: I can't decide if this is an awesome name for a band or a really lame one, but I'll tell you one thing: "South America" is not a good name for a song. Or a continent. The Shout Out Louds did their best, though, to try and capture the mood of the South American political climate. TENSE BABY. They do it without many actual lyrics, more with their sound. You can sense it the maracas (those shaking things). The violin riffs are Hugo Chavez's iron fist. The xylophone sounds play off the eardrum like the Colombian cocaine would in Colombia. The Shout Out Louds shout out for a united South America. One where Peru, Bolivia, Chile, French Guyana, Suriname, and the lesser known countries can be united as one. The oohs and aahs aren't for musical effect. On the contrary. They are for the pain and suffering that the impoverished South Americans have to deal with throughout their lives. The Shout Out Louds create a diatribe, with colorful sounds, to illuminate a vibrant, sexy collection of countries that play host to millions of the most unique people South of the Equator (sorry, Australia). How can a song be about all that and still keep themselves in enough check to write a great song? Well, it can't. The song's about a jealous guy who sees his ex at a club. Indie bands just like continents for titles. But I'm sorry, don't unleash that Latin temper out on me. I'm just the messenger. Messenger of loooovvvve (cue 80's porn music.)


"I Love Asia"
Sung By? Super Asian Colloaboration, Smile Again
Best Cultural Reference: "No matter where you look, there's no sign of hope"
Kung Pao!: After the earthquake in China a few years ago, Chinese people (I think Jackie Chan's in the video but he looks similar to that other Asian I know) got together to show their love and support for a continent that is suffering from AIDS, poverty, overpopulation, underage prostitution, human trafficking, and overpriced Shrimp Fried Rice. But seriously, only Japan, China, and Korea really have it that good out of all those Asian countries. And while this "We Are the World" rip-off seems like it might help a minimum waged janitor escape from rubble, it is just awful. I mean, Chinese isn't a very pretty language and when they try to make it sound pretty, it sounds even worse. I mean, the only time I've heard it beautiful was at that massage parlor in the suburbs. But anyways, earthquakes are serious things. So stop laughing at the Asians as they attempt to horribly sing about the victims, who probably are praying for another stone to fall on their face after hearing this long ass diatribe. But who can blame Jackie Chan for trying? Well, lots of people if they've seen any of his movies besides Rush Hour.



"European Son"
Sung By? The Velvet Underground
Best Cultural Reference: "You killed your European son, you spit on those under 21"
It Rains Alot: After searching for a song about Asia, Europe, or even Eurasia for my super duper continent song project, I found that there are bands for these continents but not songs. So I had to improvise. Who better to represent Europe than Velvet Underground, a bunch of guys who wrote a song about fucking a nun. Listen, Europeans kill their sons and they spit on minors. It's just the way of the world. Like Burger and Fries or Chocolate and Peanut Butter, it's just how we spin madly on in this crazy, mixed up world. The Velvet Underground are a bunch of wacky dudes, to be sure, and you'd think they were on more drugs than a Chinese opium den to write some of their music, but they were actually quite mellow. Europe deserves a special anthem, since, as any European would be quick to point out, it's a special place. And TVU try to make it special with their six-minute instrumental jam in-between the scarce lyrics, although it comes off as pretentious. Which is also a synonym for "European." The song is alright, if for no other reason than frontman Lou Reed can sing his way out of a interstellar war. In Europe's defense, it's a very beautiful place with a massive amount of natural wonders. But the people are so snobby and arrogant, and then you got Europe outside of France. Which is actually pretty sweet. France sucks.


There's nothing left to say for these god forsaken continents except that they are all part of our sad, small world that we are all forced to occupy. So why can't we all look past the ridiculous lines on maps and religious denominations and live together? Racism and bigotry is so lame, not to mention there are those that can never fully understand the true nature of humanity. We all look to labels to judge a person. And while "serial killer" is a good label to judge, Islamic or Moroccan aren't. Bigotry and racism are for ignorant people, unwilling to even listen to another's opinion. So fuck them. Let gays marry, let Muslims pray, let Christians try and convert any and everyone into their religion. It won't harm you if you have nothing to do with it. So, in the words of Paul McCartney "Let It Be."