Dolan's Unintentional Comedy Scale

If you've ever read the great Bill Simmons over at ESPN.com, than you know all about unintentional comedy. So I thought, for the sake of future posts, I thought I would do my own scale. By giving you my scale from 1 to 10, I will effectively be able to show you the hilarity of seemingly unfunny events that weren't meant to be funny. People need to laugh more nowadays and that all starts with YOU. So here it is The Dolan Scale of Unintentional Comedy

1. Rocky Crying over Mick in Rocky III
Why It's Funny: Have you ever seen Sylvester Stallone act? Well, I was looking up how many Academy Awards he won the other day and nearly fainted with surprise when not only has he not won one, but he has won a Razzie for worst actor of the century. Anyways, Stallone's breakdown in this scene makes you wonder what the script outline really called for. So from now on when I mention "that's a 1 on the scale," think of this scene and giggle. But don't crack up, it's only a 1. Stallone's acting reminds one of a retarted gorilla crying because his brother stole his last banana. Watch and giggle.


2. Gus Johnson's Announcing
Why It's Funny: Enthusiasm is great, especially for broadcasters. It really helps get the fans more into the game. So we can agree on that. Gus Johnson, not to say he's a bad announcer cause he's not, gets more excited for a free throw than a virgin who realizes he's about to get laid. Everytime a college basketball game is on, I pray Johnson is announcing. Then you know it'll be a good game, regardless of the score. You can't blame the man for having fun behind the mic but you can chuckle. Don't laugh too hard, we're only on numero dos. But thank god for Gus Johnson, the exact opposite of Joe Buck.
If Gus Johnson announced women's basketball, I'd watch it.


3. T.O. Crying for Romo
Why It's Funny: Let's face it: white people are scared of black people. Everyone knows this. When a guy like T.O., an extremely famous black athlete, weeps like a little baby in front of the media after losing a game, it gives white people hope. And laughter. Cause after this we all know one thing: T.O. is tough on the field but kind of a pussy off it. I mean what do you think Tony Romo thought when watching this? "Ohhhhh god," in the most awkward tone you could think of. So sit back and laugh as one of the best athlete's in the NFL weeps like my 1 year old Kazakh cousin.


4. John Madden Speaking
Why's It Funny: John Madden was a Hall of Fame coach, a top name in the video game industry, and a long time announcer. A really long time. So long that Madden has decided to simply point out the most obvious things ever that my mother could say into a microphone. Since he's helped me fill 1/10 of the last 10 years of my life through video game playing, I'll give him a break for that. But not without laughing in disbelief at some of the stuff he says . As I'm sure NBC is too afraid to ask if he's been tested for senility, Madden will probably announce until he chokes on a brat announcing a Green Bay Packers game. Here he is, in all his glory (and by looking at him, there's a lot of glory there) explaining the bootleg by repeating the word over and over.


5. John Wayne as Genghis Khan
Why's It Funny: Let's start with the obvious. John Wayne was born in Iowa. Genghis Khan was born in Mongolia. Wayne is synonymous with masculinity due to his many memorable appearances in classic Western movies. It's not over great actors to find difficult, transforming roles. Take Colin Farell as Alexander the Great, for example. (Sarcasm alert!) I would venture a guess that pulling a Mongolian accent for an Iowan would compare to me dunking on LeBron James in the NBA Finals. Not very likely and probably a pretty pitiful display. So as we get to number 5 on DUCS (see: Title of blog), you can start to LOL or whatever it is you kids do nowadays.


6. Chris Matthews Passing as Political Analyst
Why's It Funny: You may have seen sketches on "SNL" parodying Mr. Matthews. Well, they aren't too far from the truth. I didn't want to include any Fox News Analysts because their job description is to "make sure you never agree with any liberal idea and act like a total douchebag to anyone who doesn't agree with you." Matthews's reign as host of MSNBC program "Hardball" does not push any agenda but the one of a screaming old guy (to quote George Costanza) acting "like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli." Matthews is being absolutely serious when yelling, which makes the Unintentional Comedy that much more Unintentional and Comedic. So enjoy the man at his very....best, I guess.


7. Carl Lewis Sings the Anthem
Why's it Funny: Well, Carl Lewis, taking a break from his very successful Olympic career, to continue his extremely embarrassing music career. (think Shatner singing "Rocket Man" but actually releasing it...oh, wait, he might of) Anyways, at this Chicago Bulls game, the Olympic gold medal winner proved that athlete's, as talented as they are, cannot do everything. He even APOLOGIZES in the middle of the speech and promises it'll get better. THIS is unintentional comedy at it's (almost) very greatness. If this doesn't arouse your sense of humor, laugh anyway. It's funny. (Side note: how is this not on youtube? someone get on that immediately)
Mr. Lewis in Concert

8. Coaches Angry Postgame Rants
Why's it funny: Coaches pour their heart into their work to try and prepare their team for victory. So when their teams get embarrassed, they are embarrassed themselves, not to mention angry. Sometimes, they continue the embarrassment after the game by delivering hilarious, angry, and dead serious press conferences. They are so angry that they just don't realize how ridiculous they sound. Since there are just oh-so-many of these to choose from, I'll give you the three I believe will forever live on in infamy.




9. Isiah Thomas, Knicks era
Why's it funny: It seems impossible for one man to successfully ruin one of the most storied sports franchises in America. Isiah Thomas has done just that to the Knicks. Him still being allowed to coach is hilarious in it self. After trading for disgruntled overpaid players like Stephan Marbury, Steve Francis, Zach Randolph, and Eddy Curry. Giving up years of draft picks, ordering hard fouls, and losing $25 million for his team in a sexual harassment lawsuit makes you wonder how you got fired for forgetting to mop up aisle 7 before you left Walgreens. If your from New York, I actually do feel terrible for you. But this situation is so ridiculous that maybe you should just laugh about it. Everyone else is.


10. Mike Tyson
Why's it funny: Please. Just watch and try not to cry laughing.


Hope you laughed considerably much. Study this scale as it will be refrenced later. I must again cite Bill Simmons, the great espn columnist who inspired this column. Get your laughs out and come back soon.