Ode To An Ether Binge.......

Ahhh, my faithful readers. Welcome back as I present you with another version of my absolutely brilliant ranting and ravings on the various topics that I choose to present to you. Lately I've been doing research for my blog studying the effects of binge-drinking, cigarette-smoking, marijuana use, and a combination of other things that may or may not be legal. I won't bore you with the effects this has had (i.e. passing out, throwing up, listening to jam bands while staring into space, etc....) but I would like to go through the best things to do in certain awkward or strange social situations that may never happen to you or anyone you know but are definitely going to happen to me. Or already have. Trust me.

Situation: Someone Questions Your Drinking Ability
Solution: Precede to Chug a Ridiculous Amount of Alcohol
Although this is a risky solution to a common problem, there is no other way to do it. If someone questions how much booze you can take, show them they are dead wrong. But don't fail. If you don't finish your drink, you probably should just leave the party/bar. However, if you succeed, the person can really say nothing, at least for the time being. Oh, and throwing the cup down right when your done is a nice exclamation point. Bonus points if its a glass (although you are an asshole if you do this, it's alright because if you feel the need to attempt this stunt, you probably are an asshole anyway)

Situation: You Trip/Fall in Public
Solution: Laugh
Now, a common solution to this problem is to "play it cool" by acting like nothing happened. But something did happen: you tripped or fell and it was embarrassing because people saw it. Through my experience, I have found that laughing as your getting up makes you seem like more of a character and likeable. People are gonna laugh at you, you may as well laugh with them. If you are drunk though, laughing makes you seem like an amateur drinker who should probably head home. So when your drunk and you fall, the best solution is just to yell out profanity, but just one word. Giving any more attention to the situation is a mistake. But curse with a smile on your face. Nobody likes an angry drunk.

Situation: You Are Buying Something Embarassing (i.e. condoms, laxatives)
Solution: Joke About It With the Clerk
You may be a little tentative to try out this solution because if it comes out wrong, the situation could get a little awkward. But who cares? It's already awkward. So if your buying laxatives you could say something like "At least it's not as backed up as the traffic out there, am i right?" Or for condoms "I hate wearing these things, but who wants a kid from a stripper putting themselves through college?" Just make the most off-beat, self-incriminating, asinine comment you can and your in like flynt.

Situation: Someone Offers You Free Alcohol/Drugs
Solution: Take it
Self-explanatory. If you don't want it, you can sell it or use as an "in" with the opposite sex.

Situation: Someone is talking out of their ass about a topic you are well-informed about
Solution: Be An Asshole and Make Said Person look really stupid
There's nothing worse than some newbie spouting off about how good Randy Moss will be for the Vikings this year. You know the type. Mr. "I use smart sounding words when i talk so i sound like i'm right all the time". Well, fuck that. If you can see through this asshole, make an offhand comment about how the "Charlie Weis diet" isn't really working for them or how the only time Randy Moss wears purple (vikings colors for the uneducated) is after he gets his ass kicked. Don't let these people think they are right because if you say nothing, you are just giving in to their douchebaginess.

Situation: You Think Someone's Waving at You, But Your Not Sure
Solution: Smile and nod your head up a little
You wouldn't BELIEVE how much this happens to me. Maybe it's because I'm horrible with names/faces and not sure if I've met them before. Or maybe I'm an idiot, I don't know. But when this happens, I always look behind me. But then it sort of looks like you lack self-confidence that said person knows you or not. So a more acceptable solution is to give the person a smile and nod up, which is almost like a wave and partially an acceptable greeting. Then when you get closer to the person, just give them a really flamboyant greeting. Whatever you do, don't give a full or half-assed wave. That could get really embarrassing.

Situation: You are Called Out for being Inebriated at an Inappropriate Time
Solution: Let it happen....
This one sucks. Because when it's 3 p.m. on a Tuesday while in class and your high and that girl you were trying to impress notices or the teacher gives you a subtle hint that your kinda an asshole, that's probably a reputation killer. But making an excuse about it just looks dumb. They already know. So what? It's just your reputation. Seriously though, who cares if the teacher likes you? Or if one girl at your whole school thinks your out of control or just an idiot? Just take the hit (yes, that is a pun). Soon enough, you won't see these people ever again and if you do, you can always look down or pretend your getting a phone call as you walk by. Unless your doing heroin for breakfast and crack for lunch, this isn't really that bad of a situation.

I hope you enjoyed another version of my innate ramblings on things so random, that I may be redefining randomness. I'll make sure that my next post is even better than this one as I know the rising standards my readers have for my blog. SO until next time, just keep re-reading this one and enjoy yourselves way, way too much.