Angelina Jolie on LSD at Disneyland

Hey there again, loyal readers. If your wondering about the title, Angie admitted to doing that. Honestley, that would have been quite a trip, but I really just used that title so my blog will show up on a google search. So sue me, I need to expand. Drugs, sex, and Disneyland. I got it ALL covered. Anyways, this blog today will deal with the 5 strangest views of the afterlife from various religions, minus the mainstream Christianity, Islam, and the like. But let's dive in headfirst. Now.

Crazy People's View of End of the World, take 5.

#5- Rustafarian's
Well, the coming Apocalypse has already started with the crowning of the 1930 Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie. After that, Bob Marley will rise from the dead, hand out an ounce of ganja to every believer, and take you to the White Castle in the sky. Okay, just kidding. After the Ethiopian debacle of 1930, it is believed that the loyal Rustafarians are waiting for Selassie to declare himself God. Because he is, according to them, God. They eagerly anticipate when he will call upon the end of days, punish the wicked, and take all his people to the fabled utopia of Mt. Zion in Africa (where Jews are always welcome). There they will live with Selassie in their physical state forever, never dying. Probably just smoking a ton of pot and listening to Bob Marley

#4- Jew's
The Jews have a slightly more complicated view of the end of the world. According to Jewish holy laws, the world is going to end in 2240, when the 6,000 year has occurred. (The Jews ignore science too). And those greedy Jews take on the apocalypse is not surprising at all: All Jews return to Israel (shops will go out of business!), all Israel's enemies defeated (byebye Middle East), 3rd temple in Jerusalem (the first 2 weren't good enough for them), Revival of the Dead (no word on if the booked Jerry Garcia), and (please, read this without laughing) Jesus will become the King of Israel, dividing all the Jews into their original tribes. BUT during this time, Gog, king of Magog, will attack Israel but God will smite them down and the world will live in peace for the next 1,000 years and all will know God (not to be confused with Gog). It is unclear who/what/when/where these Magog people are and when they will arrive but they sound terrifying. Kind of like the talking trees from "Lord of the Rings."

#3- Native American Lakota Indians
The start of their beliefs sounds pretty ordinary for apocalyptic theories: darkness, floods, fires, and earthquakes will shatter the Earth. Here's where is gets a little more complicated: a, and I quote, "White Buffalo Calf Woman" will then bring back balance and harmony to the world. Of course, who doesn't know that? People in Wisconsin have actually bred white buffalo's. However, it is more likely that these white buffalo will end up around some rich woman's neck than bring peace and harmony to the world.

#2- Mormon's
Oh, those silly Mormon's. They think we are close to the end of the world. Since, as they believe, that the Earth only lasts 7,000 years and we are close to 6,000. That's right, the Mormon's have disregarded science's silly idea that the Earth has been around quite a bit longer. When the time comes, these things will occur: Christ will appear in the temple in Jackson County, Missouri (where there is no temple), priests will meet with angels in Deviess County, Missouri where the Garden of Eden was located (really? in Missouri?), and after a Millenium of only Mormons on Earth after the wicked have been sent to hell, every human to ever live will be ressurected and be able to visit Earth to learn about their families history. Then you will either go to Celestial Kingdom, Terrestial Kingdom, or Telestial Kingdom if you are righteous. I heard Celestial Kingdom has a sweet waterpark. Anyways, you could go to the Outer Darkness where Satan reigns. There, the long lines are unbearable to

#1- Aztecs
Bear with me here. There are 5 suns, see, representing stages of creation and destruction. The first one "Four-Jaguar" ended when humans were destroyed by jaguars. Ouch. The second, "Four-Wind", ended when a magical hurricane transformed humans into monkeys by Quetzalcoatl, the Feathered Serpent, in disguise as Ehecatl, the wind god. Tricky bastard! The third, "Four-Rain", was destroyed by a reign of fire. That fourth one, "Four-Water", ended in a giant 52-year long flood. However, one male and female each survived but the creator, Tezcatlipoca (duh), turned them in to dogs! What was he thinking?!?!!? The current sun, "Four-Earthquake", is expected to dissapear in a massive earthquake. Then, of course, the skeleton-like monsters of the west will appear and kill everyone. I'll say "What is the coolest possible way to die?, Alex" Imagine, your in heaven with John Wayne and your talking. "How'd you die John? Ahh, it was throat cancer. Cancer? What a pussy, the only thing that stopped me were those damn skeleton monsters from the west." Seriously, that's like a video game death. Oh, and getting into the Aztec afterlife is another blog in itself.

Well, if these theories don't blow your mind, you've clearly read the Bible. Which, if you think about it, is just as ridiculous and far-fetched as any of these 5, or any religious ideas of the end of the world. Asteroids, comets, nuclear holocaust, and complete downfall of society are all far more likely to end the world. Heaven and hell have been around since the beginning of religion. Although most religions have different theories on the end of the world. However, one thing holds true: you better watch out for those Skeleton Monsters of the West.
Paix et Amie