First off, I want to say that if you don't agree with this order, that's really just your opinion. And if you haven't seen all the movies, do you REALLY know? Here's a video to explain how I feel when people disagree with my blog:
Anyways, just 5 days away from the Oscars and we're already on 3rd Place! Today I'll be reviewing what I think is the 3rd best movie in the Best Picture category, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Players: Directed by David Fincher, Starring Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, and Taraji Henson.
Also Nominated For: Best Director (Fincher), Best Actor (Pitt), Best Supporting Actress (Henson), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Art Direction, Best Costume Design, Best Makeup, Best Original Score, Best Sound, Best Visual Effects. Whew.
Plot: The story of Benjamin Button, a man who ages backwards with bizarre circumstances.
Review: WInston Churchill once said that the Soviets were "an enigma wrapped inside a riddle." That's the way I felt about Benjamin Button. A part of me really, really enjoyed watching this movie, while another part of me thought it was more boring than The English Patient. David Fincher creates a magical world, full of visual beauty and exceptional creativity in showing Brad Pitt as an old man. But while Button is a beautiful, visual wonder, it trudges along like a snail in a marathon. In a vastly overrated performance by Brad Pitt and a "Who the hell are you?" performance from little-known but Oscar nominated Taraji Henson, there is nothing but an ordinary life, but backwards. An old woman telling her story to her daughter (the worst part of the movie) and a man falling in and out of love. An ordinary man in an unordinary body. The premise is one that is so full of possibilities, it makes you wonder how this was the final product. Did Fincher simply spend too much time on how they were going to visually do this movie, rather than figuring out the movie itself? I love David Fincher, who has yet to make a single dud. But in a movie so anticipated (at least in the Oscar community) and with a premise that allows for limitless possibilities, it just seemed like "Big Fish" without the humor. But the reason I have it here 3rd, is because of how wonderful the movie was, visually and technically. Where the story is lacking, the way the story is portrayed makes it at least a little more interesting. I don't think that Button is a Best Picture worthy movie, but worthy of (besides the acting ones) every other Oscar it is nominated for. It would certainly be a travesty if this movie ends up winning Best Picture it would just show how much of a joke the Academy really is. This movie is good. Not bad, not great. It is a twist on a simple love story that is visually wonderful but drags on too long and just doesn't have a great story to justify either the Oscar nomination or the almost 3 hour running time. The best analogy I can think of for this movie is that it's like a very pretty girl who has no personality. You might stick around for a while, but in the end, it's not just you like her. It's because of the looks. Here's hoping that Fincher will stick with crime-type dramas like "Zodiac" and "Seven" from now on, as he knows how to master those. In the meantime, he can take solace in the fact that he made this movie in a down year and was able to score his first Oscar nod. And Brad Pitt: you need to work on those accents, methinks.
Grade: B-
Since we have only 2 movies left, I think I'll skip a day and give you the last two on Thursday and Friday. Til then, adios.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Oscar Review: Frost/Nixon
In part 2 of my Oscar Review, I will be reviewing Frost/Nixon. As I said, I'm doing them in order of what I thought the best movies in this category were, so this would place 4th out of 5.
Frost/Nixon
The Players: Directed by Ron Howard, Starring Frank Langella, Michael Sheen, Sam Rockwell and Kevin Bacon.
Also Nominated For: Best Director (Howard), Best Actor (Langella), Best Editing, Best Adapted Screenplay.
Plot: In the aftermath of Watergate, British TV personality David Frost has a series of very revealing interviews with disgraced President Richard Nixon.
The Review: Frost/Nixon is one of those movies that would be nothing without it's actors. Langella takes his Nixon portrayal from the stage to the screen and doesn't miss a beat. The vastly underrated Michael Sheen and Sam Rockwell also give great performances. There is no doubt that this is a great movie, perhaps worthy of it's Best Picture nomination. Was there better this year? Yes, even in a weak year of movies, there were films that surpassed Frost/Nixon in quality. It has the "Phone Booth" and "Panic Room" problem: how can we make a movie enjoyable if it's basically people talking in the same place for the entire movie. I'm not a big Ron Howard fan. I don't know if he gets lucky with some of the performances that actors give him or what (minus Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code, of course), but I feel like he gets great source material but he can't push it to the next level. To be honest, there's nothing really wrong with Frost/Nixon. It's just that, there's nothing imaginative about it. If this were the same movie, but a work of fiction, would people care at all? Obviously not, and, to be fair, you can say that about many, many movies and performances. The interview scenes with Sheen and Langella are great. Langella capturing Nixon's every tick, as a great talker, an extremely smart man, with a lack of a moral compass and not exactly being a people person. And when (spoilers) he finally gets schooled and realized it, Langella provides one of the best reaction shots of the year. Demoralized and fallen, Langella plays Nixon in a way that seems like only he could, but Howard just doesn't bring out an excellent performance from him that would be on par with Mickey Rourke or Sean Penn this year. Sheen's performance is lost behind Langella but is still a rather good one. Same with Kevin Bacon, who surprisingly holds his own throughout his scenes with Nixon. With Howard though, there's just something there that's missing. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is but some of the scenes with Nixon at his house or when Frost is organizing the interview aren't anything to brag about from a filmmaking standpoint. Even the first few interviews just seem a little dull. I know it was based on historical events but you can't hang your film on one moment, unless it's a "Sixth Sense" like moment. And throughout the film, it just seems like it's depending on Nixon's confession rather than building up to it. I can't support a Directing nomination here for Ron Howard in what is a almost great film, but not monumental enough to be remembered as the movie that captured Nixon.
Grade: B-
If you liked Frost/Nixon, you might like...Nixon by Oliver Stone, a more demonizing, albeit controversial, portrait of Nixon.
Frost/Nixon
The Players: Directed by Ron Howard, Starring Frank Langella, Michael Sheen, Sam Rockwell and Kevin Bacon.
Also Nominated For: Best Director (Howard), Best Actor (Langella), Best Editing, Best Adapted Screenplay.
Plot: In the aftermath of Watergate, British TV personality David Frost has a series of very revealing interviews with disgraced President Richard Nixon.
The Review: Frost/Nixon is one of those movies that would be nothing without it's actors. Langella takes his Nixon portrayal from the stage to the screen and doesn't miss a beat. The vastly underrated Michael Sheen and Sam Rockwell also give great performances. There is no doubt that this is a great movie, perhaps worthy of it's Best Picture nomination. Was there better this year? Yes, even in a weak year of movies, there were films that surpassed Frost/Nixon in quality. It has the "Phone Booth" and "Panic Room" problem: how can we make a movie enjoyable if it's basically people talking in the same place for the entire movie. I'm not a big Ron Howard fan. I don't know if he gets lucky with some of the performances that actors give him or what (minus Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code, of course), but I feel like he gets great source material but he can't push it to the next level. To be honest, there's nothing really wrong with Frost/Nixon. It's just that, there's nothing imaginative about it. If this were the same movie, but a work of fiction, would people care at all? Obviously not, and, to be fair, you can say that about many, many movies and performances. The interview scenes with Sheen and Langella are great. Langella capturing Nixon's every tick, as a great talker, an extremely smart man, with a lack of a moral compass and not exactly being a people person. And when (spoilers) he finally gets schooled and realized it, Langella provides one of the best reaction shots of the year. Demoralized and fallen, Langella plays Nixon in a way that seems like only he could, but Howard just doesn't bring out an excellent performance from him that would be on par with Mickey Rourke or Sean Penn this year. Sheen's performance is lost behind Langella but is still a rather good one. Same with Kevin Bacon, who surprisingly holds his own throughout his scenes with Nixon. With Howard though, there's just something there that's missing. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is but some of the scenes with Nixon at his house or when Frost is organizing the interview aren't anything to brag about from a filmmaking standpoint. Even the first few interviews just seem a little dull. I know it was based on historical events but you can't hang your film on one moment, unless it's a "Sixth Sense" like moment. And throughout the film, it just seems like it's depending on Nixon's confession rather than building up to it. I can't support a Directing nomination here for Ron Howard in what is a almost great film, but not monumental enough to be remembered as the movie that captured Nixon.
Grade: B-
If you liked Frost/Nixon, you might like...Nixon by Oliver Stone, a more demonizing, albeit controversial, portrait of Nixon.
Oscar Review: The Reader
To give you more frequent blogging, I've decided to give off and on movie reviews. And since the Oscars are this upcoming Sunday, I decided I'd review all the 5 Best Picture nominees. I'll go in order of worst to first, not in the order I think is going to win, but in order of quality. I'll grade it with the letter system, rather than stars or numbers, since I think it gives a better idea of what I actually think of the movie than the star system. Here we go.
The Reader
The Players: Directed by Stephen Daldry, Starring Kate Winslet, Ralph Fiennes, and David Kross
Also Nominated For: Best Director, Best Actress (Winslet), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography
Plot: Post-WWII Germany: Nearly a decade after his affair with an older woman came to a mysterious end, law student Michael Berg re-encounters his former lover as she defends herself in a war-crime trial.
The Review: Since this is first, you know that I like it the least of the Best Pic nominees, not to mention about 10 other films that were better. But all bias aside, The Reader is a film that is driven by Kate Winslet as much as someone can drive this plot. Ralph Fiennes was pretty good, as just isn't enough to save the film. I know it's not the point or the intention of the movie, to cast itself in a "Nazi-sympathizing" light, but to me, it comes dangerously close. There are many other problems with the film that are problematic. For one, the statutory rape relationship with Winslet and Kross is neither believable, nor is it tolerable. I didn't believe it in the least bit, especially in the eyes of Winslet. Hey, there's no doubt that Winslet is an unbelievable actress that does a pretty good job in this film. But her partner, the young German David Kross, only learned English to star in this film. That's impressive. But where The Reader goes wrong is that it has no real end-game. Who wants to see another Holocaust movie, especially when we are supposed to sympathize with a death camp guard? Come on. I'm supposed to feel bad for Winslet in this movie because she can't read? It doesn't take literacy to burn a few hundred people to death or choose 10 women a week to be killed. I know this movie was rushed through editing and post-production to get a release date that would this eligible for the Oscar. Well, it worked, but I don't think any more time on the film would have made it better. It is a bleak, depressing film without a point. Is the point that a whole generation of Germans that were there for the Holocaust but didn't do anything and now they have to live with it? Because if it is, Winslet's character is not one of those people and even those that are deserve no sympathy. The movie tries to brighten up the scenes in concentration camps, make Winslet look all pretty, and tries to do what the rest of Germany wants you to do: forget the Holocaust. The movie's whole message is vague, if there is one, and I personally did not sympathize with one character, besides maybe Ralph Fiennes, whose depressing manner throughout seems appropriate for what he went through. Other than that, the film is well shot, but should it be? If you're going to make a film about this subject, make it bleak. Does this film deserve ANY of it's nominations? I'm not sure, but one thing I can see is this: someone at the Academy really, really like this film and I'd like his review, so I can understand what was so good about this movie.
Grade: D+
If you like The Reader, you should see....Schindler's List (a REAL Holocaust movie)
The Reader
The Players: Directed by Stephen Daldry, Starring Kate Winslet, Ralph Fiennes, and David Kross
Also Nominated For: Best Director, Best Actress (Winslet), Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Cinematography
Plot: Post-WWII Germany: Nearly a decade after his affair with an older woman came to a mysterious end, law student Michael Berg re-encounters his former lover as she defends herself in a war-crime trial.
The Review: Since this is first, you know that I like it the least of the Best Pic nominees, not to mention about 10 other films that were better. But all bias aside, The Reader is a film that is driven by Kate Winslet as much as someone can drive this plot. Ralph Fiennes was pretty good, as just isn't enough to save the film. I know it's not the point or the intention of the movie, to cast itself in a "Nazi-sympathizing" light, but to me, it comes dangerously close. There are many other problems with the film that are problematic. For one, the statutory rape relationship with Winslet and Kross is neither believable, nor is it tolerable. I didn't believe it in the least bit, especially in the eyes of Winslet. Hey, there's no doubt that Winslet is an unbelievable actress that does a pretty good job in this film. But her partner, the young German David Kross, only learned English to star in this film. That's impressive. But where The Reader goes wrong is that it has no real end-game. Who wants to see another Holocaust movie, especially when we are supposed to sympathize with a death camp guard? Come on. I'm supposed to feel bad for Winslet in this movie because she can't read? It doesn't take literacy to burn a few hundred people to death or choose 10 women a week to be killed. I know this movie was rushed through editing and post-production to get a release date that would this eligible for the Oscar. Well, it worked, but I don't think any more time on the film would have made it better. It is a bleak, depressing film without a point. Is the point that a whole generation of Germans that were there for the Holocaust but didn't do anything and now they have to live with it? Because if it is, Winslet's character is not one of those people and even those that are deserve no sympathy. The movie tries to brighten up the scenes in concentration camps, make Winslet look all pretty, and tries to do what the rest of Germany wants you to do: forget the Holocaust. The movie's whole message is vague, if there is one, and I personally did not sympathize with one character, besides maybe Ralph Fiennes, whose depressing manner throughout seems appropriate for what he went through. Other than that, the film is well shot, but should it be? If you're going to make a film about this subject, make it bleak. Does this film deserve ANY of it's nominations? I'm not sure, but one thing I can see is this: someone at the Academy really, really like this film and I'd like his review, so I can understand what was so good about this movie.
Grade: D+
If you like The Reader, you should see....Schindler's List (a REAL Holocaust movie)
Friday, February 13, 2009
No, It's Not OK to Breast Feed in Public and Other Answers
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Friday, February 6, 2009
Gamblin' With Rubels
If you are reading this blog, then there's no doubt that you have gambled heavily before. It could have been $400 on a game of in-between-the-sheets or $100 on a woman's basketball game. It doesn't really matter. The point is, you've felt the thrill or despair or seeing an immense amount of money change hands. There are other things to gamble with than just money, though. There's food, violence, sex, or a simple act of stupidity that can be used as a prop in a bet. That's what makes gambling so great: it has no limits. I mean, I once bet on whether or not the Cubs or Cards would be in first at the end of April to wear a Cards shirt or have someone wear a Cubs shirt. Does it matter that I lost by half a game and Kerry Wood blew a 2-run save on the last day? Well, of course. But I got laid, so it's all good. Anyways, there's not much more that you can gamble with than your life. For instance, Russian Roulette. A game with deadly or sexy-awesome consequences, depending on whether or not you lose. So let's explore Russian Roulette, at least in it's fictionalized form (real Russian Roulette isn't allowed on YouTube. I know, gay). So here are the 6 Greatest Russian Roulette Games in Movie History. Let's cock it and rock it.
6. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
The Match Up: Robert Downey Jr.'s Harry Lockhart against Rockmund Dunbar's Mr. Fire.
Used For: The game is used as a interrogation technique to get RDJ's prisoner to talk. Unfortunately, for Rockmund, RDJ doesn't really know the rules. Or doesn't follow them. I don't know, I think Downey was still in his "to rehab and back" phase.
The Result: RDJ loads one round into his Magnum and spins the barrel not once, but twice. Then, before his prisoner can even answer, RDJ fires a round into that big black man's head like it ain't a thing. Because you know what? It isn't. Even the always mellow Val Kilmer can't believe that Downey doesn't know the rules of interrogation. For instance, you need to be alive to answer a question. After Kilmer zoned in on his Sherpa like qualities, the gay character he plays (or is, you decide) and Downey high-tail out of there like Usain Bolt running from the cops. What? I didn't just say that because he's black. I'm just saying, the cops could never catch him. Unless they shot him. But that doesn't seem fair.
If you haven't seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, please do. It is one of the top 5 underrated movies of the 00's. Here's the clip of RDJ, Val, and Mr Fire playing the always-fun game. It's in Russian, but that seems fitting rather than annoying:
5. Arizona Dream (1993)
The Match Up: Johnny Depp's Axel Blackmar against Paulina Porizkova's Grace. Axel vs. Grace. Not exactly top billing at Wrestlemania.
Used For: Both are depressed and don't have the guts to end each other's misery, so they did whatever any young adults do when they get down: play "suicide or no suicide."
The Result: Luckily (well, not for the audience), neither character has the gun discharge during the game. Johnny Depp does cheat by shooting the gun three times in a row, but still, the bastard is luckier than a hobo finding a winning lottery ticket. Even though they shoot 4 of the 6 possible chambers out, not one of them contained the fateful bullet. What's odd about the scene is that Johnny Depp comes in with the gun and it's the girl's idea to play. Who SUGGESTS they play Russian Roulette? And she does it like it's nothing, making JD look like a little man bitch when it comes to his turn and he nearly punks out. The real kicker: they have sex immediately after. Am I missing something? How are their lives not exciting and awesome? They gamble with their lives then fuck like their lives depended on it. Could you even IMAGINE the rush you'd get after surviving Russian Roulette? It'd be like pitching a no-hitter for the Cubs in Game 7 of the World Series at Wrigley against the Yankees and only up 1-0. Or taking the walk of shame out of Jessica Alba's house with her husband just getting back home with their kid. Or finding White Castle after all those adventures. Ahhh. Makes me want it to be April so I can get a few sliders, watch the Cubs, and check out the latest issue of Maxim.
The scene is strange. That's really all I can say.
4. Leon (1994)
The Match Up: A very young Natalie Portman (too young to even make a sex joke about) against a very French, robust Jean Reno as hitman Leon. He's a professional.
Used For: Natalie Portman is trying to provoke, Leon, a hitman, to admit he loves her (not platonically either. dude, she's like 12, he'd tear her up. oops, there goes the sex joke). Thank God he doesn't, that would just be too R. Kelly for this movie.
The Result: Leon, seeing that the young Padme was serious, and that he needed to preserve the force, smacked the gun away right as she pulled the trigger and it discharged. What would have done without that terribly sexy Jewish actress that has made classics like The Other Boyeln Girl and My Blueberry Nights> (Just kidding, I love NP). But what was ol' Nat thinking? She even asks Jean Reno to be her first, which is like turning 21 and going out drinking with your Grandma (although mine probably would have drank me under the table). Jean Reno is being nice to enough to look after you since your parents died, not to mention teaching you, a 12 year old, how to effectively kill people and get away with it. What do you do? Put a gun to your head and threaten to shoot yourself because he won't destroy your woman parts? Grow up, Evey. I like you better when you grow up and shave your head (not gonna lie: Natty is still hot with the shaved head, I don't care if she looks like a concentration camp victim. Also, would that be taking role playing too far? Jewish concentration camp inmate with commanding German guard? Do tell).
I was 8 at the time of this movie. IF you were so desperate, I would have gone through puberty in 6.7 seconds and been more ready than a pedofile at Disney World.
3. 13 Tzameti (2005)
The Match Up: 13 different men against each other...at the same time. Now THAT'S Entertainment!
Used For: The 13 men are part of a deadly gambling event organized by deadly gamblers who bet on who will survive, with the winner get an immense amount of money, while the others make like G-Baby in Hardball.
The Result: Well, someone, the main character stole the invitation from his dying neighbor, so that's what you get for stealing kids! But anyways, he gets in the game but ends up winning, walking away with almost a million Euro's for surviving 4 rounds of Russian Roulette, even though they add a bullet every round. This guy must be luckier than a leprechaun shitting rabbit's feet. I was going to put this number one until I realized I'd never heard of it and, while the execution of the scene is great, it doesn't stack up to the top two. This guy could walk into any bar, anywhere and just go up to a group of 5 nineteen year old blonde sorority girls and be like "Excuse me ladies, I just won a million dollars in a russian roulette game and figured, hey, if I can shoot a loaded gun at my head 4 times in a row and win money for it, why can't I buy 5 pretty girls a round of whatever they wanted while I decide what to do with my money." Twelve hours later, he'd have 500,000 Euros left with an empty pack of Trojan's and an STD. Ahhhhh, to dream.
I haven't seen the movie, but I suspect if they added the last part of my rant, I'd probably Netflix that quicker than you could say "free carl lee".
2. 187 (1997)
The Match Up: Samuel L. Jackson as Samuel L. Jackson against Clifton Collins, Jr. as Cesar Sanchez. Nothing like a cliche Hispanic name for a guy who has a strangely coincidenced white hick name.
Used For: Cesar is a disgruntled inner city student who wants to do the right thing and pin his friends' murder on his teacher, SLJ. They play the game of Russian Roulette for honor, but mainly to give SLJ to prove a point and scream it. LOUDLY.
The Result: For a guy who plays a badass in most of his movies, Samuel sure does die alot. But not without honor. See, during the game, SLJ takes his shot but then gets so mad, he takes Cesar's shot as well, which actually kills him. Hard. Cesar, having some stupid feeling of pride or something to proveness, decided to take the next shot to make up for it, which actually kills him. What both of them don't realize is that, they both would have died anyway, just in reverse order. So SLJ proves his point but also proves the gangbanger's point: you can get what you want, as long as you use a gun. It is a rather intense scene, though, and is a very powerful ending that makes you wonder: where would Samuel Jackson rank on "The Last People I'd Play Russian Roulette With" list? Besides our numero uno lister and Eastwood, he might be 3. You can't lie, the scene is rather great, even if it is in a mediocre movie that seems like a rip-off of Dangerous Minds. Except a fierce black man instead of a hot blonde white woman.
1. The Deer Hunter (1978)
You were expecting something else?
The Match Up: Christopher Walken and De Niro against the Vietcong and once more with Christopher Walken against De Niro
Used For: Gambling and psychoticness. What? Have you SEEN Walken in this movie?
The Result: Well, for those of you that haven't seen the movie (why the hell not?), this IS the most intense prisoner of war re-enactments ever caught on cinema. In the first scene, DeNiro, Walken, and one other are forced to play the game by the Vietcong as they gamble on it. Although no one dies, it leaves Walken severely psychologically damaged upon his return to America, which would explain his subsequent movies. Later on, toward the end, Walken's character is playing others for money and is so out of it, barely recognizes DeNiro and the rest of his friends. So DeNiro challenges Walken and, in the end, Walken ends up killing himself after a moment of self-realization. The two scenes embody the experience of the American soldier in Vietnam and in their return, which is why there are so many homeless and disabled veterans. You can't expect to expect to enter a forest and out navigate a clever fox, which was what the Americans had trouble dealing with throughout Vietnam. Throughout all my sarcastic comments and stylized rants with sexy adjectives, I can honestly say that, without a doubt, Chris Walken's performance may be one of the greatest supporting performances of all time, if not the numero uno. I mean, come on, the guy had a watch stuck up his ass for years, while inventing a remote control that controls reality and organizing a deadly ping pong tournament with horrible actors. What a role.
Here are both scenes, and DeNiro insisted they used a real bullet in the chamber to make the fear real. I miss that kind of DeNiro.
Well, gents and women, I hope you enjoyed this deadly version of the blog. It was rather sexy and disturbing if I do say so myself. It just goes to show you that, if you got any in the chambers, don't blow them out too soon. If you do, it might be the last time you ever participate in such an activity. And yes, we are talking about both Russian Roulette and sex. Or, more specifically, premature ejaculation. It has been a prolific blogging year so far here at the center of all that is good. I wonder how long I can keep it up. Hopefully another 15-20. Months or Years, you perv. Well, what can I say? I do encourage offshoot thinking here at the blog rather often. I guess I'll just have to end on that and bid you personas adieu. I'll send you off with Kevin Bacon punk'n people. No lie. Faux de fa and aur revoir!
6. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
The Match Up: Robert Downey Jr.'s Harry Lockhart against Rockmund Dunbar's Mr. Fire.
Used For: The game is used as a interrogation technique to get RDJ's prisoner to talk. Unfortunately, for Rockmund, RDJ doesn't really know the rules. Or doesn't follow them. I don't know, I think Downey was still in his "to rehab and back" phase.
The Result: RDJ loads one round into his Magnum and spins the barrel not once, but twice. Then, before his prisoner can even answer, RDJ fires a round into that big black man's head like it ain't a thing. Because you know what? It isn't. Even the always mellow Val Kilmer can't believe that Downey doesn't know the rules of interrogation. For instance, you need to be alive to answer a question. After Kilmer zoned in on his Sherpa like qualities, the gay character he plays (or is, you decide) and Downey high-tail out of there like Usain Bolt running from the cops. What? I didn't just say that because he's black. I'm just saying, the cops could never catch him. Unless they shot him. But that doesn't seem fair.
If you haven't seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, please do. It is one of the top 5 underrated movies of the 00's. Here's the clip of RDJ, Val, and Mr Fire playing the always-fun game. It's in Russian, but that seems fitting rather than annoying:
5. Arizona Dream (1993)
The Match Up: Johnny Depp's Axel Blackmar against Paulina Porizkova's Grace. Axel vs. Grace. Not exactly top billing at Wrestlemania.
Used For: Both are depressed and don't have the guts to end each other's misery, so they did whatever any young adults do when they get down: play "suicide or no suicide."
The Result: Luckily (well, not for the audience), neither character has the gun discharge during the game. Johnny Depp does cheat by shooting the gun three times in a row, but still, the bastard is luckier than a hobo finding a winning lottery ticket. Even though they shoot 4 of the 6 possible chambers out, not one of them contained the fateful bullet. What's odd about the scene is that Johnny Depp comes in with the gun and it's the girl's idea to play. Who SUGGESTS they play Russian Roulette? And she does it like it's nothing, making JD look like a little man bitch when it comes to his turn and he nearly punks out. The real kicker: they have sex immediately after. Am I missing something? How are their lives not exciting and awesome? They gamble with their lives then fuck like their lives depended on it. Could you even IMAGINE the rush you'd get after surviving Russian Roulette? It'd be like pitching a no-hitter for the Cubs in Game 7 of the World Series at Wrigley against the Yankees and only up 1-0. Or taking the walk of shame out of Jessica Alba's house with her husband just getting back home with their kid. Or finding White Castle after all those adventures. Ahhh. Makes me want it to be April so I can get a few sliders, watch the Cubs, and check out the latest issue of Maxim.
The scene is strange. That's really all I can say.
4. Leon (1994)
The Match Up: A very young Natalie Portman (too young to even make a sex joke about) against a very French, robust Jean Reno as hitman Leon. He's a professional.
Used For: Natalie Portman is trying to provoke, Leon, a hitman, to admit he loves her (not platonically either. dude, she's like 12, he'd tear her up. oops, there goes the sex joke). Thank God he doesn't, that would just be too R. Kelly for this movie.
The Result: Leon, seeing that the young Padme was serious, and that he needed to preserve the force, smacked the gun away right as she pulled the trigger and it discharged. What would have done without that terribly sexy Jewish actress that has made classics like The Other Boyeln Girl and My Blueberry Nights> (Just kidding, I love NP). But what was ol' Nat thinking? She even asks Jean Reno to be her first, which is like turning 21 and going out drinking with your Grandma (although mine probably would have drank me under the table). Jean Reno is being nice to enough to look after you since your parents died, not to mention teaching you, a 12 year old, how to effectively kill people and get away with it. What do you do? Put a gun to your head and threaten to shoot yourself because he won't destroy your woman parts? Grow up, Evey. I like you better when you grow up and shave your head (not gonna lie: Natty is still hot with the shaved head, I don't care if she looks like a concentration camp victim. Also, would that be taking role playing too far? Jewish concentration camp inmate with commanding German guard? Do tell).
I was 8 at the time of this movie. IF you were so desperate, I would have gone through puberty in 6.7 seconds and been more ready than a pedofile at Disney World.
3. 13 Tzameti (2005)
The Match Up: 13 different men against each other...at the same time. Now THAT'S Entertainment!
Used For: The 13 men are part of a deadly gambling event organized by deadly gamblers who bet on who will survive, with the winner get an immense amount of money, while the others make like G-Baby in Hardball.
The Result: Well, someone, the main character stole the invitation from his dying neighbor, so that's what you get for stealing kids! But anyways, he gets in the game but ends up winning, walking away with almost a million Euro's for surviving 4 rounds of Russian Roulette, even though they add a bullet every round. This guy must be luckier than a leprechaun shitting rabbit's feet. I was going to put this number one until I realized I'd never heard of it and, while the execution of the scene is great, it doesn't stack up to the top two. This guy could walk into any bar, anywhere and just go up to a group of 5 nineteen year old blonde sorority girls and be like "Excuse me ladies, I just won a million dollars in a russian roulette game and figured, hey, if I can shoot a loaded gun at my head 4 times in a row and win money for it, why can't I buy 5 pretty girls a round of whatever they wanted while I decide what to do with my money." Twelve hours later, he'd have 500,000 Euros left with an empty pack of Trojan's and an STD. Ahhhhh, to dream.
I haven't seen the movie, but I suspect if they added the last part of my rant, I'd probably Netflix that quicker than you could say "free carl lee".
2. 187 (1997)
The Match Up: Samuel L. Jackson as Samuel L. Jackson against Clifton Collins, Jr. as Cesar Sanchez. Nothing like a cliche Hispanic name for a guy who has a strangely coincidenced white hick name.
Used For: Cesar is a disgruntled inner city student who wants to do the right thing and pin his friends' murder on his teacher, SLJ. They play the game of Russian Roulette for honor, but mainly to give SLJ to prove a point and scream it. LOUDLY.
The Result: For a guy who plays a badass in most of his movies, Samuel sure does die alot. But not without honor. See, during the game, SLJ takes his shot but then gets so mad, he takes Cesar's shot as well, which actually kills him. Hard. Cesar, having some stupid feeling of pride or something to proveness, decided to take the next shot to make up for it, which actually kills him. What both of them don't realize is that, they both would have died anyway, just in reverse order. So SLJ proves his point but also proves the gangbanger's point: you can get what you want, as long as you use a gun. It is a rather intense scene, though, and is a very powerful ending that makes you wonder: where would Samuel Jackson rank on "The Last People I'd Play Russian Roulette With" list? Besides our numero uno lister and Eastwood, he might be 3. You can't lie, the scene is rather great, even if it is in a mediocre movie that seems like a rip-off of Dangerous Minds. Except a fierce black man instead of a hot blonde white woman.
1. The Deer Hunter (1978)
You were expecting something else?
The Match Up: Christopher Walken and De Niro against the Vietcong and once more with Christopher Walken against De Niro
Used For: Gambling and psychoticness. What? Have you SEEN Walken in this movie?
The Result: Well, for those of you that haven't seen the movie (why the hell not?), this IS the most intense prisoner of war re-enactments ever caught on cinema. In the first scene, DeNiro, Walken, and one other are forced to play the game by the Vietcong as they gamble on it. Although no one dies, it leaves Walken severely psychologically damaged upon his return to America, which would explain his subsequent movies. Later on, toward the end, Walken's character is playing others for money and is so out of it, barely recognizes DeNiro and the rest of his friends. So DeNiro challenges Walken and, in the end, Walken ends up killing himself after a moment of self-realization. The two scenes embody the experience of the American soldier in Vietnam and in their return, which is why there are so many homeless and disabled veterans. You can't expect to expect to enter a forest and out navigate a clever fox, which was what the Americans had trouble dealing with throughout Vietnam. Throughout all my sarcastic comments and stylized rants with sexy adjectives, I can honestly say that, without a doubt, Chris Walken's performance may be one of the greatest supporting performances of all time, if not the numero uno. I mean, come on, the guy had a watch stuck up his ass for years, while inventing a remote control that controls reality and organizing a deadly ping pong tournament with horrible actors. What a role.
Here are both scenes, and DeNiro insisted they used a real bullet in the chamber to make the fear real. I miss that kind of DeNiro.
Well, gents and women, I hope you enjoyed this deadly version of the blog. It was rather sexy and disturbing if I do say so myself. It just goes to show you that, if you got any in the chambers, don't blow them out too soon. If you do, it might be the last time you ever participate in such an activity. And yes, we are talking about both Russian Roulette and sex. Or, more specifically, premature ejaculation. It has been a prolific blogging year so far here at the center of all that is good. I wonder how long I can keep it up. Hopefully another 15-20. Months or Years, you perv. Well, what can I say? I do encourage offshoot thinking here at the blog rather often. I guess I'll just have to end on that and bid you personas adieu. I'll send you off with Kevin Bacon punk'n people. No lie. Faux de fa and aur revoir!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Too Much, Even For Tyler Perry
After recently catching the pigtastic show Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel, I was inspired. Not to take up any of these challenges, as I would be embarrassed by the food, but rather to find the most obscure and ridiculous eating challenges from across the country. There was no way I'd copy anything from the show, so all those restaurants are out. And since there were so many steak and burger challenges, I decided I'd stray away from the norm and find the disgusting. Eating challenges usually aren't my thing (drinking challenges, on the other hand) and I have no respect for anyone who attempts any of these challenges because they are basically killing themselves. But I passed out drunk during my family Christmas celebration, so I guess to each their own. If you do try any of these challenges, have 911 on alert. They will be needed. These are North America's 7 Most Disgusting Eating Challenges. Also, there will be no conclusion this time since the pictures are screwing up my formatting and I'm too lazy to correct them.
7 Where's the Beef?
Challenge: Eat a 120 ounce steak in under an hour
Where it's Done: Gregory's Steakhouse Restaurant in Allentown, PA
Just...Why? This is, undoubtably, the largest steak in America. With no regard for the fact that humans like to live, Gregory's offers up this little ditty for $64. I couldn't find a prize, or if anyone has even attempted it, but no matter. It's physically impossible to eat a 120 ounce ribeye and only Andy Reid would even try and down it. I know Pennsylvania was never known for it's intelligence or creativity (see: Philadelphians) but the least you could do is make the challenge possible. In addition to this horrible, makes-me-think-of-Orson-Wells-idea, they also have all you can eat 12-oz steak nights, all you can eat ribs days, and what every guy loves: large portions of Valentines Day food. Because remember: Valentine's Day isn't only to increase your debt, it's to increase your woman's weight! It's only redeeming quality: happy hour is two hours. Well, you sold me.
New Motto: "Gregory's: Throw out the bikini and come on down!"
Here is the 120 oz. steak in all it's....sexyness?
6. Hold the Syrup--Over the Pancake!
Challenge: Eat a 6 lb. pancake in 20 minutes.
Where It's Done: The Steamboat Cafe in my favorite former stopover--Hannibal, Missouri! (Exclamation point included to increase sarcasm)
Just...Why? Since Mark Twain's hometown is still catching on to the internet, Steamboat Cafe doesn't have a website for me to find out if anyone actually has completed the challenge. You do get the thing for free if you beat the challenge, but there really are no winners here. Take it from someone who's been to Hannibal: they need stuff like this for fun in Hannibal and this doesn't surprise me at all. I'll go even as far as to say they get someone to finish it every weekend. Which will induce cringes all over the blogosphere when you see the picture. With the pancake, you get an entire stick of butter and an entire bottle of syrup. Other things you get if you try the challenge: high cholesterol, 4.5 pounds, massive indigestion, and clogged arteries. What I think: this is just initiation to become a citizen of Missouri. Ever been there? Then you know what I be talkin' bout.
New Motto: "Mark Twain called the owner's great (times 5)-uncle he was fat! Eat here!"
The 6 lb. Pancake. OK, nobody's finished that:
5. I Scream, You Cream, We All Scream "Call 911!"
Challenge: Drink a 6 lb. Milkshake
Where It's Done: Chick and Ruth's Delly in Annapolis, MD.
Just...Why? This challenge I don't mind as much. It gets alot of military types in there and seems like people like to pop the question there. Plus, I really like milkshakes. People only try this challenge in groups and all you get is "pride" and your picture on the wall. Seems like only a select few have actually finished the milkshake and they, thankfully, needed a group to get it done. Besides, formerly being a huge pothead, this sounds like a perfect place to go after a nice wake 'n bake session. And they serve it all, all day. Unfortunately, Annapolis is a city occupied only by the Navy, which means living there would force me to fear any bar that I walked into was a "alternative lifestyle" bar. You know, a Navy bar. All kidding (read: seriousness) aside, any guy named Chick has parents with a terribly, terribly cruel sense of humor or spite.
New Motto: "Our milkshakes will make the boys stay away from the yard!"
The "Colossal" Milkshake. Colossal is an underused word. Like resplendent or panglossian. (Don't know what it is? You are a vocabulariarly inferior to me.)
It's Rather Big. (That's what she said!)
4. Frozen with Fear
Challenge: Eat 21 scoops (almost 7 lbs) of ice cream w/ whipped cream, nuts, and a cherry, the healthiest thing on the menu.
Where It's Done: Brown Cow Ice Cream Parlor in Forest Park, IL
Just...Why? Because they bet you can't do it, that's why! There is little rhyme or reason to actually eating 21 scoops of ice cream. The only way I'd do this challenge is if the whipped cream was covering up Jessica Alba and the cherry was her...well, you get the idea (a GREAT idea). (Be back in 13 minutes) OK, back. I would be happier if the website posted anyone that has actually tried this, yet finished it. I'm pretty sure that eating this would help exceed your daily fat content tenfold. If that's the kind of thing your into, go for it (you might also want to check out sadomasochism). There really are times when I think that there are people that want you to get fat or acquire diabetes, as long as you get it from them. Then again, there are times where I think that I'm destined to do something great. And I'm only right half the time. Fuck you, subconscious.
New Motto: "We'll make you look like our namesake!"
Here's a look at it. It looks good now...just wait til you get 8 scoops in (whiskey looks good before 13 shots, too).
3. Ever Seen a Cow and Pig Breed?
Challenge: Eat a 9 lb burger topped with 3 fried eggs, 6 strips bacon, an entire tomato, half head of lettuce, cheese, and a side of fries. I'm assuming you get as much time as you need. At least, I hope.
Where It's Done: At Mrs. Riches Dinner Club Cafe in Vancouver Island, British Columbia (that's Canada and about as far west as you can go). I'd like to ask a question: is Canada relevant? Discuss.
Just...Why? This fine Canadian hotspot doesn't have a website, so I'll have to go with sarcasm and pop culture references. Ever seen the South Park movie where they invade Canada? Well, I'm assuming eating this burger makes Canadians feel like one of those soldiers in Saving Private Ryan with their guys spilled out on Omaha Beach. But seriously, it just seems like this burger is trying to kill you. It has to be worse for you than alcohol poisoning. There's like breakfast, dinner, and a salad on this sandwich. You'd have to be as retarded Sean Penn in I Am Sam to try this one (never go full retard). I feel like watching someone eat this would be like watching that scene in Requiem for a Dream where Jennifer Conolly is doing the ass-to-ass scene at the end with a bunch of old men watching on repeat. There. I made enough pop culture references to make the writers of Disaster Movie cringe.
New Motto: "Howie Mandel once ate here!"
Here's a Canadian looking guy or girl sporting the MONSTER BURGER (cue creepy music--for the Canadian looking....person)
2. Mmm...Sexual and Disgusting! Like Tila Tequila's Reality Show!
Challenge: Eat 72 ounces of Bangers and Mash (Sausages and Mashed Potatoes. That means "Bangers" are "Sausages." British people have a strange sense of humor) in under an hour, and IT'S FREE!
Where It's Done: The Brewhouse Cafe in Atlanta, GA
Just...Why? First off, Bangers and Mash is a very popular dish in England and The Brewhouse is an international sports bar. Nobody has won the challenge and with good reason: an average polish sausage is about 8 ounces. So the dish is probably about 5 sausages and the rest mashers. Besides the obvious sexual connotations that the dish gives off, you can imagine the amount of discomfort someone would be in if they actually finished this monstrosity. One would have to be panglossian to think they would get away with this unscathed, and yes that sentence was only written so I could use that word. Maybe not enough people are attempting it (the name, perhaps?) or maybe (read: definitely) people don't like the dish. English food sucks. Trust me, I've been there. And, despite my anorexic like stature, I know food. When food puts you in the bathroom for half the day and makes you feel like the chick from The Exorcist the other half, you shouldn't ever eat it again. I'd have a threesome with Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell before attempting this. (hey, maybe it isn't that bad. Usually the ugly ones try harder. At least, that's what I hear. All the people I've had sex with are beautiful!) As my lovely girlfriend, who reads this blog, would know, I hate all things British. And this challenge is no exception.
New Motto: "If you have enough beer here, there will be plenty of bangers waiting for ya!"
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on if you're fat or not), I couldn't find a picture of the delectable treat. so instead I'll show you a picture of me drunk:
1. Words Cannot Describe How Dead You'll Be
Challenge: Remember, when you're reading this, that I am in no way joking. It is a sandwich with two rolls, four cheeseburgers, a double cheesesteak, a chicken cheesesteak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese bites, and fried mushrooms. And you have 15 minute to finish it to get a t-shirt and a casket. Just kidding. Your family pays for the casket.
Where It's Done: Fat Sandwich Co. in Champaign, IL and Norman, OK.
Just...Why? This sandwich separates the men from the clinically retarded. There is just no explanation someone could give me for ordering this sandwich that I wouldn't say "Uhhhh..." to. Four cheeseburgers? Mixed with chicken nuggets and fingers? This sounds like a week worth of eating, or at least two days in John Goodman's house. I don't know how such a mix was ever invented or could ever taste good but it sounds like a bunch of stoners got together and made a sandwich when they were blitzed higher than John Belushi at a staff Christmas party. The real kicker is that you only get 15 minutes to finish it all. It takes me longer than that to eat my so-called "wimpy" dinner, yet someone's eating a "I Really Don't Want to Ever Get Laid Again" Sandwich. I don't think if you gave Kobayashi 15 minutes to finish that he would. Since the sandwich costs $25, why don't you just go get 4 burrito's from Chipolte for the same price and much better taste? Or 4 value meals from McDonalds or Burger King? Or an 18 piece chicken from KFC? For Gods sakes, this isn't even a sandwich. This is Lucifer in between a bun with mozzarella sticks (those are actually pretty heavenly). At least the restaurant isn't lying about what the sandwich is going to do to you. It's like that fat girl that will always love and be honest with you who's still somehow worse than the skinnier blonde who treats you like shit and lies about drinking your last juice box. Fuck off, juice boxes kick ass.
New Motto: "Who needs Dr. Kevorkian? We charge less and taste better!"
There were no pictures for the "Big Fat Ugly" off the website or on Google images, which gave me images far more disturbing than the sandwich.
Instead, you get Neil Patrick Harris on a unicorn. Oh HAPPY DAY!
7 Where's the Beef?
Challenge: Eat a 120 ounce steak in under an hour
Where it's Done: Gregory's Steakhouse Restaurant in Allentown, PA
Just...Why? This is, undoubtably, the largest steak in America. With no regard for the fact that humans like to live, Gregory's offers up this little ditty for $64. I couldn't find a prize, or if anyone has even attempted it, but no matter. It's physically impossible to eat a 120 ounce ribeye and only Andy Reid would even try and down it. I know Pennsylvania was never known for it's intelligence or creativity (see: Philadelphians) but the least you could do is make the challenge possible. In addition to this horrible, makes-me-think-of-Orson-Wells-idea, they also have all you can eat 12-oz steak nights, all you can eat ribs days, and what every guy loves: large portions of Valentines Day food. Because remember: Valentine's Day isn't only to increase your debt, it's to increase your woman's weight! It's only redeeming quality: happy hour is two hours. Well, you sold me.
New Motto: "Gregory's: Throw out the bikini and come on down!"
Here is the 120 oz. steak in all it's....sexyness?
6. Hold the Syrup--Over the Pancake!
Challenge: Eat a 6 lb. pancake in 20 minutes.
Where It's Done: The Steamboat Cafe in my favorite former stopover--Hannibal, Missouri! (Exclamation point included to increase sarcasm)
Just...Why? Since Mark Twain's hometown is still catching on to the internet, Steamboat Cafe doesn't have a website for me to find out if anyone actually has completed the challenge. You do get the thing for free if you beat the challenge, but there really are no winners here. Take it from someone who's been to Hannibal: they need stuff like this for fun in Hannibal and this doesn't surprise me at all. I'll go even as far as to say they get someone to finish it every weekend. Which will induce cringes all over the blogosphere when you see the picture. With the pancake, you get an entire stick of butter and an entire bottle of syrup. Other things you get if you try the challenge: high cholesterol, 4.5 pounds, massive indigestion, and clogged arteries. What I think: this is just initiation to become a citizen of Missouri. Ever been there? Then you know what I be talkin' bout.
New Motto: "Mark Twain called the owner's great (times 5)-uncle he was fat! Eat here!"
The 6 lb. Pancake. OK, nobody's finished that:
5. I Scream, You Cream, We All Scream "Call 911!"
Challenge: Drink a 6 lb. Milkshake
Where It's Done: Chick and Ruth's Delly in Annapolis, MD.
Just...Why? This challenge I don't mind as much. It gets alot of military types in there and seems like people like to pop the question there. Plus, I really like milkshakes. People only try this challenge in groups and all you get is "pride" and your picture on the wall. Seems like only a select few have actually finished the milkshake and they, thankfully, needed a group to get it done. Besides, formerly being a huge pothead, this sounds like a perfect place to go after a nice wake 'n bake session. And they serve it all, all day. Unfortunately, Annapolis is a city occupied only by the Navy, which means living there would force me to fear any bar that I walked into was a "alternative lifestyle" bar. You know, a Navy bar. All kidding (read: seriousness) aside, any guy named Chick has parents with a terribly, terribly cruel sense of humor or spite.
New Motto: "Our milkshakes will make the boys stay away from the yard!"
The "Colossal" Milkshake. Colossal is an underused word. Like resplendent or panglossian. (Don't know what it is? You are a vocabulariarly inferior to me.)
It's Rather Big. (That's what she said!)
4. Frozen with Fear
Challenge: Eat 21 scoops (almost 7 lbs) of ice cream w/ whipped cream, nuts, and a cherry, the healthiest thing on the menu.
Where It's Done: Brown Cow Ice Cream Parlor in Forest Park, IL
Just...Why? Because they bet you can't do it, that's why! There is little rhyme or reason to actually eating 21 scoops of ice cream. The only way I'd do this challenge is if the whipped cream was covering up Jessica Alba and the cherry was her...well, you get the idea (a GREAT idea). (Be back in 13 minutes) OK, back. I would be happier if the website posted anyone that has actually tried this, yet finished it. I'm pretty sure that eating this would help exceed your daily fat content tenfold. If that's the kind of thing your into, go for it (you might also want to check out sadomasochism). There really are times when I think that there are people that want you to get fat or acquire diabetes, as long as you get it from them. Then again, there are times where I think that I'm destined to do something great. And I'm only right half the time. Fuck you, subconscious.
New Motto: "We'll make you look like our namesake!"
Here's a look at it. It looks good now...just wait til you get 8 scoops in (whiskey looks good before 13 shots, too).
3. Ever Seen a Cow and Pig Breed?
Challenge: Eat a 9 lb burger topped with 3 fried eggs, 6 strips bacon, an entire tomato, half head of lettuce, cheese, and a side of fries. I'm assuming you get as much time as you need. At least, I hope.
Where It's Done: At Mrs. Riches Dinner Club Cafe in Vancouver Island, British Columbia (that's Canada and about as far west as you can go). I'd like to ask a question: is Canada relevant? Discuss.
Just...Why? This fine Canadian hotspot doesn't have a website, so I'll have to go with sarcasm and pop culture references. Ever seen the South Park movie where they invade Canada? Well, I'm assuming eating this burger makes Canadians feel like one of those soldiers in Saving Private Ryan with their guys spilled out on Omaha Beach. But seriously, it just seems like this burger is trying to kill you. It has to be worse for you than alcohol poisoning. There's like breakfast, dinner, and a salad on this sandwich. You'd have to be as retarded Sean Penn in I Am Sam to try this one (never go full retard). I feel like watching someone eat this would be like watching that scene in Requiem for a Dream where Jennifer Conolly is doing the ass-to-ass scene at the end with a bunch of old men watching on repeat. There. I made enough pop culture references to make the writers of Disaster Movie cringe.
New Motto: "Howie Mandel once ate here!"
Here's a Canadian looking guy or girl sporting the MONSTER BURGER (cue creepy music--for the Canadian looking....person)
2. Mmm...Sexual and Disgusting! Like Tila Tequila's Reality Show!
Challenge: Eat 72 ounces of Bangers and Mash (Sausages and Mashed Potatoes. That means "Bangers" are "Sausages." British people have a strange sense of humor) in under an hour, and IT'S FREE!
Where It's Done: The Brewhouse Cafe in Atlanta, GA
Just...Why? First off, Bangers and Mash is a very popular dish in England and The Brewhouse is an international sports bar. Nobody has won the challenge and with good reason: an average polish sausage is about 8 ounces. So the dish is probably about 5 sausages and the rest mashers. Besides the obvious sexual connotations that the dish gives off, you can imagine the amount of discomfort someone would be in if they actually finished this monstrosity. One would have to be panglossian to think they would get away with this unscathed, and yes that sentence was only written so I could use that word. Maybe not enough people are attempting it (the name, perhaps?) or maybe (read: definitely) people don't like the dish. English food sucks. Trust me, I've been there. And, despite my anorexic like stature, I know food. When food puts you in the bathroom for half the day and makes you feel like the chick from The Exorcist the other half, you shouldn't ever eat it again. I'd have a threesome with Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell before attempting this. (hey, maybe it isn't that bad. Usually the ugly ones try harder. At least, that's what I hear. All the people I've had sex with are beautiful!) As my lovely girlfriend, who reads this blog, would know, I hate all things British. And this challenge is no exception.
New Motto: "If you have enough beer here, there will be plenty of bangers waiting for ya!"
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on if you're fat or not), I couldn't find a picture of the delectable treat. so instead I'll show you a picture of me drunk:
1. Words Cannot Describe How Dead You'll Be
Challenge: Remember, when you're reading this, that I am in no way joking. It is a sandwich with two rolls, four cheeseburgers, a double cheesesteak, a chicken cheesesteak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese bites, and fried mushrooms. And you have 15 minute to finish it to get a t-shirt and a casket. Just kidding. Your family pays for the casket.
Where It's Done: Fat Sandwich Co. in Champaign, IL and Norman, OK.
Just...Why? This sandwich separates the men from the clinically retarded. There is just no explanation someone could give me for ordering this sandwich that I wouldn't say "Uhhhh..." to. Four cheeseburgers? Mixed with chicken nuggets and fingers? This sounds like a week worth of eating, or at least two days in John Goodman's house. I don't know how such a mix was ever invented or could ever taste good but it sounds like a bunch of stoners got together and made a sandwich when they were blitzed higher than John Belushi at a staff Christmas party. The real kicker is that you only get 15 minutes to finish it all. It takes me longer than that to eat my so-called "wimpy" dinner, yet someone's eating a "I Really Don't Want to Ever Get Laid Again" Sandwich. I don't think if you gave Kobayashi 15 minutes to finish that he would. Since the sandwich costs $25, why don't you just go get 4 burrito's from Chipolte for the same price and much better taste? Or 4 value meals from McDonalds or Burger King? Or an 18 piece chicken from KFC? For Gods sakes, this isn't even a sandwich. This is Lucifer in between a bun with mozzarella sticks (those are actually pretty heavenly). At least the restaurant isn't lying about what the sandwich is going to do to you. It's like that fat girl that will always love and be honest with you who's still somehow worse than the skinnier blonde who treats you like shit and lies about drinking your last juice box. Fuck off, juice boxes kick ass.
New Motto: "Who needs Dr. Kevorkian? We charge less and taste better!"
There were no pictures for the "Big Fat Ugly" off the website or on Google images, which gave me images far more disturbing than the sandwich.
Instead, you get Neil Patrick Harris on a unicorn. Oh HAPPY DAY!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Quick Oscar Predix
This may be a cheap blog, but I'm just going to tell you who's gonna win the Oscars right here and now. Winners are in Bold.
Best Motion Picture of the Year
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Frost/Nixon (2008)
Milk (2008)
The Reader (2008)
Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Quick Overview: Dissapointing category to say the least. Here are 10 movies in 2008 better than The Reader that weren't nominated: WALL-E, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, In Bruges, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler, Tropic Thunder, Rachel Getting Married, The Visitor, and Let the Right One In (it's like Twilight mixed with Blade, without the suckyness).
Biggest Competition: Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Richard Jenkins for The Visitor (2007/I)
Frank Langella for Frost/Nixon (2008)
Sean Penn for Milk (2008)
Brad Pitt for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler (2008)
Quick Overview: Probably the best category, quality-wise. No snubs (unless you count angry old man Clint).
Biggest Competition: Anyone but Pitt, I'd say Jenkins would be a shocker but don't count him out completely.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Anne Hathaway for Rachel Getting Married (2008)
Angelina Jolie for Changeling (2008)
Melissa Leo for Frozen River (2008)
Meryl Streep for Doubt (2008/I)
Kate Winslet for The Reader (2008)
Quick Overview: Haven't seen Frozen River, won't see Changeling, so those 2 I could have done without. Sally Hawkins for Happy-Go-Lucky was snubbed and it saddened me. Revolutionary Road was better than The Reader but Kate was better in The Reader. Her nom here may have taken Dark Knight and my beloved WALL-E out of best pic race.
Biggest Competition: I thought of the 4 in Doubt, Meryl did the worst but she is Meryl and the Academy eats her up. So her and, maybe the best but won't win performance, Anne Hathaway.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Josh Brolin for Milk (2008)
Robert Downey Jr. for Tropic Thunder (2008)
Philip Seymour Hoffman for Doubt (2008/I)
Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight (2008)
Michael Shannon for Revolutionary Road (2008)
Quick Overview: They got it all right here. Very happy to see Shannon, the best part of Revolutionary Road, get the nom. Too bad there's no competition in this category. If they don't give it Ledger, more people will be dead.
Biggest Competition: N/A
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams for Doubt (2008/I)
Penelope Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)
Viola Davis for Doubt (2008/I)
Taraji P. Henson for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Marisa Tomei for The Wrestler (2008)
Quick Overview: Usually the weakest category, it still is. Love Adams and Tomei. Davis was good but her screen time was lacking, yet powerful. Henson is filler.
Biggest Competition: Probably Viola Davis. Unless we have Marisa Tomei-gate, Round 2
Best Achievement in Directing
Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Stephen Daldry for The Reader (2008)
David Fincher for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Ron Howard for Frost/Nixon (2008)
Gus Van Sant for Milk (2008)
Quick Overview: A bigger snub than best pic, Chris Nolan, say what you will, deserved a nomination here. Fincher and Boyle did a great job in their films and deserve to be here. But I say Nolan could be over the other THREE, especially since they are all performance-driven movies. Daldry, somehow, has made three movies (The Hours, Billy Elliot, and The Reader) and been nominated here every time. And where is Darren Aronofsky? He's a bigger reason for Rourke's performance than Daldry is for Winslet's. Sad, so sad.
Biggest Competition: David Fincher, who admittedly did a wonderful job in what I thought was an overrated movie, is the threat. If any of the other 3 win, I will declare mutiny.
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Frozen River (2008): Courtney Hunt
Happy-Go-Lucky (2008): Mike Leigh
In Bruges (2008): Martin McDonagh
Milk (2008): Dustin Lance Black
WALL·E (2008): Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter, Jim Reardon
Quick Overview: My favorite category this year and hardest to predict, I was THRILLED to see In Burges, WALL-E, and Happy-Go-Lucky here. Especially In Bruges. How that movie has gone so overlooked, I will never know.
Biggest Competition: I would say In Bruges and Happy Go Lucky have no chance, while I haven't seen or heard anything about Frozen River, but I'll count it out based on the that. Milk, the only Best Pic Nominee here, could steal WALL-E's non-animated feature Oscar that it deserves, especially since I'd like to see anyone else right a movie with no dialogue in the first 35 minutes and get nominated here. Fuck the haters, WALL-E ALL THE WAY! (I will look back in a month and realize this is the one category I lost)
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008): Eric Roth, Robin Swicord
Doubt (2008/I): John Patrick Shanley
Frost/Nixon (2008): Peter Morgan
The Reader (2008): David Hare
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): Simon Beaufoy
Quick Overview: Another Dark Knight snub for The Reader here. What is with all The Reader love? I don't get it. Good movie with one great performance. *Sigh* I guess that's what The Dark Knight was too. Would have liked to see Revolutionary Road here since they did as good as they could adapting that great book.
Biggest Competition: 7 of the last 10 Best Picture Winners have won in their writing category. Only Gladiator, Million Dollar Baby, and Chicago didn't win. Chicago and Doubt are theatrical pieces. Million Dollar Baby and Frost/Nixon are movies about the competitive spirit. The Reader and Gladiator were driven by performance and spectacle. Curious Case is the competition but I see it losing out on most of the minor categories and splitting the minor ones with The Dark Knight.
Movie with the Most Oscars: Slumdog, with 5
There Will Be Jokes About: Nixon and Indians
There Won't Be Jokes About: Heath Ledger and Doubt
Best Motion Picture of the Year
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Frost/Nixon (2008)
Milk (2008)
The Reader (2008)
Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Quick Overview: Dissapointing category to say the least. Here are 10 movies in 2008 better than The Reader that weren't nominated: WALL-E, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, In Bruges, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler, Tropic Thunder, Rachel Getting Married, The Visitor, and Let the Right One In (it's like Twilight mixed with Blade, without the suckyness).
Biggest Competition: Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Richard Jenkins for The Visitor (2007/I)
Frank Langella for Frost/Nixon (2008)
Sean Penn for Milk (2008)
Brad Pitt for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler (2008)
Quick Overview: Probably the best category, quality-wise. No snubs (unless you count angry old man Clint).
Biggest Competition: Anyone but Pitt, I'd say Jenkins would be a shocker but don't count him out completely.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Anne Hathaway for Rachel Getting Married (2008)
Angelina Jolie for Changeling (2008)
Melissa Leo for Frozen River (2008)
Meryl Streep for Doubt (2008/I)
Kate Winslet for The Reader (2008)
Quick Overview: Haven't seen Frozen River, won't see Changeling, so those 2 I could have done without. Sally Hawkins for Happy-Go-Lucky was snubbed and it saddened me. Revolutionary Road was better than The Reader but Kate was better in The Reader. Her nom here may have taken Dark Knight and my beloved WALL-E out of best pic race.
Biggest Competition: I thought of the 4 in Doubt, Meryl did the worst but she is Meryl and the Academy eats her up. So her and, maybe the best but won't win performance, Anne Hathaway.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Josh Brolin for Milk (2008)
Robert Downey Jr. for Tropic Thunder (2008)
Philip Seymour Hoffman for Doubt (2008/I)
Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight (2008)
Michael Shannon for Revolutionary Road (2008)
Quick Overview: They got it all right here. Very happy to see Shannon, the best part of Revolutionary Road, get the nom. Too bad there's no competition in this category. If they don't give it Ledger, more people will be dead.
Biggest Competition: N/A
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams for Doubt (2008/I)
Penelope Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)
Viola Davis for Doubt (2008/I)
Taraji P. Henson for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Marisa Tomei for The Wrestler (2008)
Quick Overview: Usually the weakest category, it still is. Love Adams and Tomei. Davis was good but her screen time was lacking, yet powerful. Henson is filler.
Biggest Competition: Probably Viola Davis. Unless we have Marisa Tomei-gate, Round 2
Best Achievement in Directing
Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Stephen Daldry for The Reader (2008)
David Fincher for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Ron Howard for Frost/Nixon (2008)
Gus Van Sant for Milk (2008)
Quick Overview: A bigger snub than best pic, Chris Nolan, say what you will, deserved a nomination here. Fincher and Boyle did a great job in their films and deserve to be here. But I say Nolan could be over the other THREE, especially since they are all performance-driven movies. Daldry, somehow, has made three movies (The Hours, Billy Elliot, and The Reader) and been nominated here every time. And where is Darren Aronofsky? He's a bigger reason for Rourke's performance than Daldry is for Winslet's. Sad, so sad.
Biggest Competition: David Fincher, who admittedly did a wonderful job in what I thought was an overrated movie, is the threat. If any of the other 3 win, I will declare mutiny.
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Frozen River (2008): Courtney Hunt
Happy-Go-Lucky (2008): Mike Leigh
In Bruges (2008): Martin McDonagh
Milk (2008): Dustin Lance Black
WALL·E (2008): Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter, Jim Reardon
Quick Overview: My favorite category this year and hardest to predict, I was THRILLED to see In Burges, WALL-E, and Happy-Go-Lucky here. Especially In Bruges. How that movie has gone so overlooked, I will never know.
Biggest Competition: I would say In Bruges and Happy Go Lucky have no chance, while I haven't seen or heard anything about Frozen River, but I'll count it out based on the that. Milk, the only Best Pic Nominee here, could steal WALL-E's non-animated feature Oscar that it deserves, especially since I'd like to see anyone else right a movie with no dialogue in the first 35 minutes and get nominated here. Fuck the haters, WALL-E ALL THE WAY! (I will look back in a month and realize this is the one category I lost)
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008): Eric Roth, Robin Swicord
Doubt (2008/I): John Patrick Shanley
Frost/Nixon (2008): Peter Morgan
The Reader (2008): David Hare
Slumdog Millionaire (2008): Simon Beaufoy
Quick Overview: Another Dark Knight snub for The Reader here. What is with all The Reader love? I don't get it. Good movie with one great performance. *Sigh* I guess that's what The Dark Knight was too. Would have liked to see Revolutionary Road here since they did as good as they could adapting that great book.
Biggest Competition: 7 of the last 10 Best Picture Winners have won in their writing category. Only Gladiator, Million Dollar Baby, and Chicago didn't win. Chicago and Doubt are theatrical pieces. Million Dollar Baby and Frost/Nixon are movies about the competitive spirit. The Reader and Gladiator were driven by performance and spectacle. Curious Case is the competition but I see it losing out on most of the minor categories and splitting the minor ones with The Dark Knight.
Movie with the Most Oscars: Slumdog, with 5
There Will Be Jokes About: Nixon and Indians
There Won't Be Jokes About: Heath Ledger and Doubt
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