Extreme Bond-age

Bond kicks ass and gets ass, occasionally at the same time. We all know that. Even back in the day of conservative movie titles, characters, and plots, Bond certainly got away with quite a bit. Racism, sexism, and awesomeism is all a big part of the Bond universe. They didn't skip on the names of the characters either. Especially the names of the women. Let's examine these sexually explicit names because, well, sex jokes are funny. Here are the 6 Most Sexually Explicit Bond Girl Names.

6. Kissy Suzuki
Featured In: You Only Live Twice, portrayed by Mie Hama. (That's gotta be Japanese for "Mia Hamm")
Occupation: British Secret Agent
Sexual Overtones: Why didn't they just name her smoochers? Or smacker? What's funny about this character is that she is the only known character to marry Bond, except in the little known Bond film From Vegas with Rum. In the book, Kissy actually gets pregnant, marking the only known (to us) child of James Bond. Who names their kid Kissy? I don't knwon if that's like a common thing, or whatever, in Japan but it's not good. I mean, why didn't they just name her Slutty Motorbike? She's also a secret agent, which has to mean nothing about her is a secret to any agent. Yikes.

5. Honey Rider
Featured In: Dr. No, portrayed by Ursula Andrews, voiced by Nikki van der Zyl because Andrews had an annoying Swiss accent, since everybody paid attention to her voice.
Occupation: Honey is a, uh, shell diver. What kind of shells does she dive for? The muffled ones? Does she dive for muffled shells? Hmmm...(Yes, that was a sex joke.)
Sexual Overtones: Ever called your significant other Honey? Yeah, I thought so. What does your Honey ride? Exactly. She helps Bond escape and then they have sex on a tow boat. Which is mildly kinky. Honey has the most famous Bond girl scene in which she comes out of the ocean in a scantily clad bikini, immediately solidifying Bond movies as a staple of American culture. Even though, you know, Bond is a British agent making love to a Swiss woman in Jamaica. Yeah, alright, that's pretty cool.



4. Xenia Onatopp
Featured In: Goldeneye, portrayed by Famke Jaansen
Occupation: In the Soviet Military, the only country to throw a woman as hot as this into the military.
Sexual Overtones: Onatopp of what, you might ask. Well, she's on the top of men. Lots of them. She seduces men with her hotness the climbs on top of them and then strangles them with her legs. (You have to see it to even consider that being a bad thing.) She gets sexual satisfaction from doing this, which is hot in a "I'm really horny and I don't really care if I die" kind of way. In a type of irony that makes one think "wow, that death really is just to set up a one-liner," she gets squeezed to death against a tree when Bond remarks "She always did enjoy a good squeeze." Filmmaking at it's....lazie....finest.


3. Plenty O'Toole
Featured In: Diamonds Are Forever, portrayed by Lana Wood.
Occupation: Girl that really wants to have sex with James Bond.
Sexual Overtones: Well, I think the jist (no, i didn't misspell that last word) of it is that this woman can handle plenty of tool (penis, for those who are still in 4th grade). She wears a dress that exposes 78% of her chest, undresses approximately 5.6 seconds after getting into Bond's room, and seems to only latch onto Bond because he's a good gambler. Verdict: slutbag. Besides that, she meets an unfortunate death before she gets some of the ole JB. Following suit with her character, Lana Wood has been married 5 times, making one wonder: is it her name? (It kind of sounds like "wanna wood?" No it doesn't? Yeah, that's a bigger stretch than Stretch Armstrong. And his arms stretch out to next week!)


2. Holly Goodhead
Featured In: Moonraker, portrayed by Lois Chiles
Occupation: Scientist and Astronaut working undercover for the CIA, in what must be "#1 Job Description that Gets You Laid."
Sexual Overtones: Goodhead is actually the smartest Bond girl to date but....that name. Her and Bond go through adventures on Earth and in space, marking the only time that Bond has had sex while not in the Earths atmosphere. (Bond would get wasted if you ever played "I Never" with him) Goodhead aside (ha), her and Bond totally kick the bad guys ass and destroy his plan of raking the moon (presumably). It is debatable though as to whether or not Ms. Goodhead lives up to her name or whether her name simply means she has a good head, meaning she is smart. In an interview the scriptwriter Christopher Wood responded by saying "What, are you fucking moronical? It's a euphemism for oral sex you dumbass! Now when do I get my Vicodin?"


1. Pussy Galore
Featured In: Goldfinger, portrayed by Honor Blackman. (That's seriously her name. Like, she honors blackman (or men). I'd rather be named Pussy Galore than Honor Blackmen, which means I'd rather be a slut than racially tolerant.)
Occupation: Spy for Goldfinger, organized crime boss.
Sexual Overtones: How did they even get away with this one? They are telling she is all pussy. Bond is so good though, that he seduces her over to his side, as she turns on Goldfinger. That's funny though, since Pussy Galore is a lesbian. Well, you know what they say: once you go Bond, you need Penicillin. That actually has nothing to do with sexual orientation but whatever. Pussy was the oldest Bond girl but that didn't mean she refused to get down with the ol' JB. They never mention her sexual orientation, as it was too riske for a culture that was busy having a shitload of unprotected sex, doing massive amounts of drugs, and the taking of power by Velasco Alvardo in Peru. Despite her amazingly sexual name, her initials matched the films rating: P.G.


Ah, the sexual enterprise that is the James Bond franchise. Perhaps there will be a new addition to this list when the new Bond comes out in November, ehh? Well, I would say I hoped you enjoyed it but I know you did. Because it's really good. Like as good as the Cubs. Who are fucking amazing. Anyways, there is no substitute for a good sex symbol. Especially on this blog. I know you can just feel the sexiness radiating from the blog. Anyways, I'll be back soon with more words of wisdom that will surely enlighten and strengthen your life. Until then, Ciao Erotico!