Hey oh Hey oh, welcome back to the segment that most of know, love, cherish, and sometimes touch yourself to, the Mailbag! This month is a special mailbag, The Maylbag will consist only of questions regarding sex. Oh yeah. Sex. And alcohol. Be about it. Now, if you'll excuse the introduction, it's time to get down to business. Here's the Sexy May Maylbag. As always, these are real questions from fake readers. Onward!
Q: If you could be one body part during sex, what would you be?
--D. Bryant's Mom, Dallas, TX.
A: Hmmm. I think I would be one of the kneecaps. Think about it: you get to see everything that's going on. Although I do have bad knees so it might hurt to be a knee. Ugh. Maybe I'd be a boob. That's pretty much been my dream anyway.
Q: What would be better place to have sex: firing range or hood of a Lamburghini?
--Z. Braff, Oakland, CA.
A: In the moment, it has to be the firing range. There is just something that turns people on being in a firing range, let me tell you. They get that rush of adreneline from shooting the gun. Shooting that paper guy wettens the pussy. Trust me. (Ed.'s Note: Trusting Michael is misguided and dangerous. Do not trust him.)
Q; Is there any way to turn sex into a drinking game? HELP!
--B. Levinson, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Well that is just a brilliant idea, isn't it? Let's set it up like this: it'd have to be shots, because, unless you're Sting, sex probably won't last much longer than a half-hour, if that. Take a shot every time you switch positions. Take a shot every time the girl orgasms. Take a shot every time something unusual in introduced (this is entirely up to you, as to what is unusual. I'm not a judger, I'm a smudger. Uhhhh...) And finally, take two shots for every time someone else's name is screamed during sex. That's always the funnest thing. You'll need the booze if that happens.
Q: When is it OK to go from ass-to-mouth? I only ask because people poop out of their butts and I just watched "The Human Centipede."
--Koko the Monkey, San Diego, CA.
A: I certainly didn't need to know anything about your poop but thanks. I say there's nothing wrong with almost any sexual act as long as it's consensual and I don't have to watch fat people do it. But that's just me.
Q: Recently, I saw Jay Cutler out a bar in the city when I was with my girlfriend. That being said, who would be the worst athlete that you a significant could ever cheat on you with?
--B. Rapelsberger, Pittsburgh, PA.
A: I suppose if you have to be cheated on, it's at least a good story for your girl to do it with a professional athlete. Does Tony La Russa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, count? Cause if it does, then it's him by a million miles. That or Joakim Noah. Really? Noah? Why didn't you just cheat on me with a mustached lesbian?
Q: I was thinking about perhaps the Cubs one day winning the World Series and a thought crossed my head: Would I even want to drink during it? Wouldn't you want to recall every feeling, every emotion as the team has tortured you for so long?
--J Cochran, HeavenOrHell
A: Or you could make one of the best moments in the history of your sports fandom even better by a little beer and whiskey. I think that'd be pretty boring not to. If the Cubs won the World Series, the entire city might literally stop working for a week just to get hammered and drink away the 3 billion years it took to actually win it. God I hate the Cubs. But I love them. Fuck them though.
Q: I just had dinner at your mom's house. Let's just say she cooked some good sausage.
--T. Woods, Helena, MT.
A: My mom has a dick? Sounds like the jokes on you, buddy!
Q: What would you least want to be walked in on: masturbating, giving oral sex, or drinking alone?
--J. Appleseed, Hartford, CT.
A: Seeing as how this is a blog about drinking, I've already gotten caught drinking alone and in my family thats like drinking water. I think I'd least want to get caught masturbating. At least oral sex, you're not a loser, pleasing someone else and all. Masturbating, you're just sitting there by yourself playing with yourself...you should be ashamed of yourself.
Q: Which branch of military in the world would you most want to drink with?
--B. Mac, Deadville
A: Do I get to do it in that country? If so, then the Brazilian National Guard in Rio. If not, then it'd the South Korean Border Patrol. That must be the most boring job of all time. I'd like to cheer them up a little bit.
Q: What are the Top 5 Worst Things A Guy Could Hear From A Girl Say During Sex?
--K. Cattrall, New York , NY.
A: Yikes. OK.
5. "Is that it?"
4. "Wait...are you sure it's in?"
3. "It's ok, it happens to alot of guys"
2. "That's OK, you can stop."
1. "IMPREGNATE ME!"
Q: How bad does a country have to be to not wanna tell anyone you had sex with a girl from it?
--B. Urlacher, Spokane, WA.
A: I'm not sure, I think I'd say the girl's race no matter where she was from, just for the novelty of it. Like, how many people do you know have had sex with a Mongolian girl? Probably none, that's how many.
Q: My girlfriend recently dumped me. How do I get back in the game after so long and get after it again?
--G. Cooper, Fon Du Lac, WI.
A: As I do with most questions that "come in," I suggest you get hammered and have some meaningless sex.
Q: There is a hot Latino girl in my building. She looks early 20s and she comes home drunk an awful lot. Anyways, I'm a single dad and she keeps waking up my kids on Saturday night. What should I do about this?
--J. Smith, Boston, MA.
A: First of all, if you pass up the chance to sleep with this drunk Latina girl in her 20s I will kill myself. If you really want her to shut up on Saturday night, alot of girls enjoy being gagged or choked. I hate your kids and I hate you. SLEEP WITH THIS WOMAN ALREADY.
Q: What is the least fruity fruit to put in beer or cocktails?
--J. Leno, New York NY.
A: I've never been a supporter of fruit-in-beer but if I had to pick one it would be pineapple. Find someone you hate. Throw a lime at someone and see if it hurts, then throw a pineapple at someone and see if it hurts. I think you will be more satisfied with the pineapple.
Q; My boyfriend is on his iPhone ALL THE TIME. No matter what we're doing, it seems like he's always on another App, checking sports scores, or whatever. EVEN RIGHT AFTER SEX! How do I get him to put down the phone more and pay attention to meeeee?
--J. Mayer, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: Have you tried the iPhone? It's delightful. It's got music, apps, and all the ammenities of a regular phone. Your phone is probably a POS. DON'T JUDGE THE SEXINESS OF THE IPHONE. I suggest you get a Kindle so that you can read in front of him. I suspect he will become so annoyed that he will put down the iPhone and start having more sex with you. That's right folks. The secret to getting ass is buying a Kindle.
Q: So when you're out and drinking alot, you're gonna have alot of beer, which is a bit of a pooper-instigator. What's the protocol on pooping at a girls house if it's your first time hooking up?
--D. Patrick, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Ahh, the hook-up poop. Is there a worse poop? Not only do you have to poop in a girl your about to hook up with's toilet, but you have to make sure there's no evidence, visible or olfactory wise. It's a nightmare poop. But it's better than pooping in the bar bathroom. Ugh. You can decide between Venereal Disease or embarrassment. Herpes or no sex. Poop in her pooper, spray some Lysol, and pray to god she doesn't have to go herself.
Q: How come overage girls are allowed to swoon over the underage Justin Bieber and have it not seem creepy but if an overage guy was doing it about Miley Cyrus or some other underage celebrity chick, it'd be just plan creepy? If women want equality in the workplace, schools, and homes, why shouldn't they be subjected to the same societal taboos that men are? Fuck this.
--O. Winfrey, Ft. Lauderdale, FL.
A: Good point. Isn't Justin Bieber a lesbian? That's what I always thought. I believe there was a South Park episode about this type of thing. The kids reported that their little brother was having sex with his teacher and all the cops just said "niceee." It's unfortunate that girls are allowed to feel this way, but it is creepy that they do. They can get away with it more, but it's still CREEPY AS FUCK to be swooning over a 17-year old who is JUST NOW going through puberty. So even if most people think it's not creepy, it still is. It's very weird and creepy. I'd like to punch that kid in the vagina for his crappy music.
Q: How unacceptable is it to get drunk at a WNBA game and constantly scream "IT"S LADIESSSSSSSS NIGHT!"? I mean, there aren't THAT many kids there.
--Bro, LA, CA.
A: Hell, if you had to go, I guess that'd be the way to do it. Although I'd rather just stay at home, get drunk, and make witty comments about how ESPN has an hilarious new sitcom called "Women's Sports."
Q: What would be a better story: having sex outside in a thunderstorm and getting hit by lightning or having a threesome with two Playboy Playmates in the Grotto?
--H. Hefner, San Bernardo, CA.
A: My dick is like LIGHTNING! Yes, definitely the thunderstorm. I don't think I've ever heard of a better way to die. "Here Lies Michael Dolan, who died mid-coitus from a lightning strike." Best tombstone ever.
Q: How long does pubic hair have to be for it to be acceptable to refuse to give oral sex?
--N. Armstrong, Space.
A: My philosophy is that if it's longer/hairier than yours, you can judge it any way you want to. It's not your fault their lazy. Who wants hair in their mouth? It should be enough that you're willing to give oral sex to someone, it shouldn't involve venturing through the enchanted forest. Shave your fucking private parts, people.
Q: I heard you're having some mad sex tonight. How unacceptable is it for couples to talk about their sex lives to their single friends? Is it just plain annoying?
--L. Machido, UFC Center.
A: Listen, an active healthy sex life is very normal for any couple to have. But that's probably who should have it. Your friends don't want to hear about you having sex 2-3 times a day, everyday, even if I accidently say it somehow. It's probably annoying, but you know who's more annoying? Friends who're complaining about not getting laid.
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