Drunk Guy Yelling At...A Baseball Game

Ever fantasized about just yelling at someone til their head fell off? Ever imagine doing it to an umpire but lack the athletic ability to even make a play that would be considered slightly debatable? Well, lucky for you I'm starting a new segment. It's called Drunk Guy Yelling At.....Over the passing of time, I will have my Drunk alter ego yell at tons of different authority figures. But let's get to it, this is Drunk Guy Yells At...A Baseball Game.




Guy: Man, it's a fucking GREAT day to be at the ballpark! Get my drink on, hit on some hotties, and fucking watch some grown hit balls around like my girl Janelle on the nights she lets me get weird. Man, Wrigley's so great, sun is shining, honey's beaming. Oh yeah, it's gonna be a great fucking day!

(7 Beers Later...)

Guy: Ah, whatever, your tits are too small anyway. I should get back to watching the game, what inning is it? Shit, i think I just spilled beer on that kid.



Guy: I PAID $7 FOR THAT BEER, YOU LITTLE BITCH! IF YOU WERE LEGAL TO RAPE, I'D POLITELY CONSIDER IT! Hey, you got a cigarette? THEN FUCK YOU, I'LL SMOKE WHERE I WANT. I HOPE YOUR TEETHING IS VERY PAINFUL!

Guy: God, I need to get it together. Where am I again? Oh right...the fluckin' Cubs game. What's the score?



Guy: The Cubs are losing?! The Cubs never lose, it must be the Umps fault. HEY UMP! YOUR MOM COULD MAKE THAT CALL BETTER ON A PAYPHONE! Ha I'm hilarious. I'm hungry, I should eat something. HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY!....

(7 minutes later)

Guy: HOT DOG GUY!

Hot Dog Guy: What can I get you?

Guy: Can I get some pizza?

Hot Dog Guy: I'm the hot dog vendor.

Guy: I SAID PIZZA ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE! FUCK YOU!

(pukes on kid in front of him)

Guy: WHY'D YOU GET IN THE WAY OF MY PROJECTILE YOU LITTLE WHORE?! THAT WAS AN EPIC PUKE AND YOUR TESTICLE HEAD GOT IN THE WAY!

PA Announcer: Now batting for the Cubs, Starlin Castro.

Guy: WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?! HEY CASTRO, YOU LOOK LIKE MY MOM ADOPTED YOUR DAD AND HAD SEX WITH HIM WHILE EATING LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD! (nudges guy next to him) AM I RIGHT? HUH? YEAH I'M FUCKING RIGHT, OF COURSE I'M RIGHT! THEY SHOULD BRING BACK FUCKIN' RYNE SANTOBERG! MAN, I"VE GOT TO PEE WORSE THAN THAT KID WITH THE FUCKIN' PUKE ON HER. HEY KID! CLEAN YOURSELF OFF YOU LITTLE BASTARD!

(kid cries)

Guy: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shit, the crowd's cheering. WHOOOOO GO CUBS! HEY, GUY NEXT TO ME, REMEMBER WHEN THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES A FEW YEARS AGO?

Other Guy: That was the White Sox.

Guy: Then why was I so excited then? Ahh, whatever. Oh shit, security's coming. TIME TO FUCKING BOOK!



Guy: WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT, UMP? NEVER SEEN A MAN THONG? I GOT IT ON SALE FOR $4.99 AT KOHLS DOUCHEHOLE! WHOOOO!!

(Is tackled by large security guard, ruptures spleen while air guitaring to "Turn My Swag On" while standing on the pitcher's mound)

Guy: Ow! TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, JOSE LIMA, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!