It's Wedding Season!

It's summer and you know what that means....it's wedding season! If your my age, you probably have friends getting engaged and married while you sit back and mutter "Fuck me, really?" So while your name may not be on the invitations for a long time, you can still enjoy yourselves at these weddings. Cause look on the bright side: you can still sleep with anyone you want, while the guy up there everyone is making toasts to has his penis on lockdown. Some may call these tips ways to "ruin the weddings." Here are 6 Tips to Enjoying a Wedding.

6. Open Bar = Open Season
The Upside: People go crazy for free shit. Most people love alcohol. By natural logic, people go absolutely apeshit when they can get free alcohol for an entire night. But be sure to thank the bride's father, who's paying for all that liquor. Make sure, preferably when you've already had a modest 3 or 4 Grey Goose martini's, to go up to the man and yell (remember: he's old, so he probably can't hear that well) "FANKS FOR DA FREE BOOZE, I HALVENT HAD GLEY GLOOSE BLEEFOR!" Besides that, you'll get all the courage you need to finally tell your friend how he's making a huge mistake. Don't worry about his wife being right there, he needs to know it damnit. Just make sure you tell her that her dress makes her cleavage look spectacular, even moreso than on the sex tape your friend (now the groom) showed you last month.
The Downside: Besides the massive amount of respect your friends family will lose for you, alcohol makes people want to do things they never want to be seen doing. Especially dancing. If you dance while your extremely drunk: a)make sure the person dancing with is also inebriated, b) don't fall, and c)make sure you grind like your already inside each other. The kids table needs to learn the moves sometime.
Side Note: Your friends mother-in-law, who you will probably never see again, is hot and (about to be, because of you) single. Make sure you let her know your feelings on her looks and brag about your sexual prowess.

5. +1
The Upside: That invitation presumably says (Insert Your Name) Plus One. Please, please, please don't bring a date. If you do, make sure it's someone you can ditch later or someone that has the same intentions of "socializing" with other people throughout the wedding. Bring a same sex friend so that, in case you get stuck at a bad table, you can make embarrassing comments without getting stared at by the 68-year old Uncle Ted. Bring that friend that you suspect might be an alcoholic, but aren't sure. Or bring the groom's ex-girlfriend. They will deflect negative attention away from you when you start screaming at a 5-year old for spilling your drink or smoke pot in the back with the bride's brother who just got out of rehab. These are all normal parts of the wedding anyway.
The Downside: People might associate you with your disturbingly drunk friend. This isn't as bad as you think. The "He just broke up with a girl he was dating for 3 years" works absolutely every time when people get terribly drunk and need an excuse.
Side Note: If you are going to take advantage of the shortcomings of others, be sure to go all out. Bumming a 15-year old a cigarette or getting a double vodka cranberry for the ex-alcoholic Grandpa are encouraged and not ever looked down upon. Just plead ignorance.

4. Jokester
The Upside: There is no better place to show off your comedic skills than at a wedding. So slip the bride some ex-lax in her drink. Pay the minister $50 to say "You may now feel up the bride." Bring a hobo as your date. Trip the bride's dad as she's walking down the aisle. People love that shit. Just make sure you have a few drinks beforehand so you loosen up. Joke around with the groom "Whew--your wife's a virgin? That's ALOT of pressure! Am I right?" or "Good thing I loosened her up for ya buddy!" People love hearing these kind of jokes, especially on one of the most important days of their lives. You'll be known as "that asshole over there," but those people are just trying to be as funny as you. You know what? It's not working.
The Downside: For some reason, people that don't drink also don't laugh. These people are hard sells, but don't give up, they can be had. If a girl scoffs at a joke and starts talking to her friend, that just means "C'mon, that's the best you got?" Why no, actually, I can do much better. You also may have to explain some of the X-rated jokes to the youngsters who may not understand. Shaping the young minds at the wedding can be an added bonus and can give you a great feeling. Also, if attractive girls see you talking to kids they'll either think your a pedophile or a super-sensitive sexual entity.
Side Note: "If you weren't as stiff as my drink, I'd give you a stiff one back in the coat room." This is free material, ladies and gentlemen, use it to your advantage.

3. Iron Chef
The Upside: Free food is one of the cornerstones of any wedding. If you think the steak is a little undercooked, make sure you let the chef know about it by personally returning it with a note that says "This tastes like shit." The food industry is a harsh business, they better get used to it. If you don't like an appatizer, spit it out and put it back on the plate. Tell the bride's dad that he shouldn't have hired the McDonald's staff to cook for the wedding. Complain that there's no lobster or about the lobster. But, of course, enjoy it. Free food is a luxury that we rarely get to enjoy. So eat, but not too much to absorb the alcohol. That would just be stupid.
The Downside: Good food absorbs alcohol. Fuck that. Just drink more, you pussy. What, are you on a diet or something? Suck it up and eat your $40 steak with the champagne and side beer. Your at a wedding, not a church function.
Side Note: Bring a few doggy bags and take handfuls of appitizers home. You'll be eating pretty for at least a few days afterwards.

2. Super Duper Sex Romp
The Upside: Whether you believe "Wedding Crashers" or not, believe this: girls at a wedding are drunk and jealous. They won't admit it, but this leads them to being a little "easier" than in normal situations. You'd have to be asexual not to take advantage of this. Say stuff like "God, I'm so jealous of (Insert Groom's Name)!" or "You look prettier as a bridesmaid than she did as a bride." Try and lead the conversation to the bar whenever possible. Although this probably is coming off as bordering between "Extremely shallow" and "An Offense Punishable by Law," girls do that same thing, so don't feel bad. Women take advantage of men more than the Cubs take advantage of playing at Wrigley this year. So, take the opportunity at a wedding to get a few numbers, a hummer in the bathroom, and some sloppy, drunken sex. (Preferably all with different people)
The Downside: Um...your penis might get tired? Unless you have a girlfriend, wife, or life partner, there is no downside to this except for the obvious sexual risks such as STD's, pregnancy, and the dreaded calls that come the days later. No worries, that's why the "Ignore" button is on your cell phone. Also, why the hell are you giving her a real number? Moron. It doesn't matter, she wanted the same thing as you anyway. She's probably just calling because she forgot her earrings at your place. Still, don't answer. You don't want to take any risks.
Side Note: Vodka + Sweet Talk + Wedding + Looking Decent = Sex. It's a tried and true formula, folks. Works better than the Pythagorean Theorem. (Props to me for inserting a obscure math formula reference)

1. Speak Up
The Speech. Your biggest shot to leave your mark on the wedding. This will shape the entire wedding party's opinion of you, so make it good. Here's a "Good Speech" and a "Bad Speech." Trust me, I'm taking Public Speaking this summer.
Bad Speech: "I just can't believe how beautiful those two look together. When I first met Jane and Cody, they looked into each others like they were the only ones in the room. It was at that point, I knew they'd be together forever. If you asked me what love was, I would tell you to look at those two up there. They truly define the word. You found a great one pal and today, you're the luckiest guy in the room. Cheers." (Crickets...Yawning...Random guy screaming "You Suck!")
Good Speech: "I'm truly jealous of those two up there. You know what I mean people? God, I remember those nights in college where these two would keep the whole house up. Those two just couldn't keep their hands off each other. I mean...they were the last ones that showed up to the reception, what the hell do you think they were doing? You know? Ahh, anyways, I'm happy for this guy up there. I've known this guy for a long time, from the time freshmen year to the time we did ecstacy two weeks ago and he jerked off to a WNBA game for the entire second half! (At this point, people may try and get the mic from you. Ignore them, they are jealous of your speaking ability) But, I mean, c'mon, this guy's in love. I mean, he won't even drink and drive anymore because of that girl. And look at her. She's a knockout. Am I right? Huh? (Give the "You know what I'm saying elbow" to the person next to you. Body gestures are important.) If he wasn't marryin' her, I'd definitely try and get some of that fine action. (Point to random male relative) THAT MOTHERFUCKER KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT HERE!!! Anyways, good luck you guys, you're gonna make (Insert name of a slut present) look like a prude in Hawaii this weekend. Enjoy marriage, guys. (Look for your drink) Damn, I need another drink." (Set mic down on table and walk towards bar as the reception hall erupts in applause)
Side Note: Don't be afraid to use profanity. Normal people wouldn't use it in a wedding speech, but who the fuck wants their wedding speech to be normal? People may not like my "good speech" but they'll sure as hell remember it. The "bad speech"? Yeah, people will "ooo" and "ahhh" but they won't remember a word. Fuck that.

So take my advice and you should have a pretty good wedding season. Remember kiddies, never conform to social rules that you don't agree with. So be an asshole, chances are most people will be too drunk to remember you were even there. Keep enjoying summer and I will be back soon enough to spread my vast array of knowledge throughout the internet. Until then, try and take some advice from this speech, in which the best man tries to prove the groom is gay for the entire speech. Comic genius, at its best.