You're Gonna Have to Speak Up, My Penguin Can't Hear You (And Other Nonsense)

I had this blog before, you see. Over the summer, for one reason or the other, I lost interest. Now that I'm single, football is ending, and my short writing career has seemingly ended, I think it's time to rejuvenate my alcoholic musings on life, drinking, and the American way. I've been out of the game so it'll be interesting to see how hard my creativity boner remains (judging by that = not well). But today, I BLOG AGAIN. About what, you say? How about 5 Ways To Make Boring Bars Fun

5. Drinking Games
Dibs
What To Do: Drinking games are like sex: if you're not doing it, you're sober or married. Or both, in many cases. Sometimes, you need a good drinking game to spice things up. If you're not having a good time while out, getting drunk is usually a good option. Drinking games accelerate that. Just make sure you're not playing beer pong in the on top of the bar. Even dive bars may frown upon that.
Options: Asshole, Irish Poker, Circle of Death, Drink Whiskey Until Someone Pukes

4. Refine Your Skillz
Not Pictured: Game
What To Do: Boring bars usually are boring because there is a lack of females present. Well, you know what they say: practice makes perfect. So pick out the least disgusting thing there and hit on them. Charm them and help out an average-to-ugly friend get some. They'll love you forever and probably buy you drinks the rest of the night, thus making your night less boring.
Options: "Hey cutie, that's an extra sexy snaggletooth you got there. See my friend over there? He's a great dentist."

3. Make Sad People Happy
Clearly, James Van Der Beek Was Seeing His Future Right Here
What To Do: Spot a random stranger. See them slumping over the bar or fighting with their girlfriend? THEY HATE THEIR LIFE RIGHT NOW. Go up to them (ignoring their girlfriend....or boyfriend, depending on the attractiveness of the girl) and ask them if they want a drink. Buy them a freakin Grey Goose Martini or something. Don't even tell them why. Just walk away and don't talk to them for the rest of the night. That'll be the highlight of their night. Be the highlight. YOU ARE THE TOP PLAY ON SPORTSCENTER, REVEL IN YOUR GOOD DEEDINESS!
Options: (Guy is alone and sad or with girlfriend, looking sad) "Looks like you're dating an overreaction in human form, I'd like to buy you a drink."

2. Beat That Jackass Playing Darts in Darts and Buy Him a Shot of Crappy Booze
Or a Cheeseburger with Tartar Sauce
What To Do: Every crappy bar has one: a guy playing darts that just won't stop playing and let you play. Emasculate him. Make him feel like if he doesn't play you he's a woman. Tell him he plays darts like he's aiming for his penis. Who cares if it makes sense? It sounds insulting. Even if you lose to the guy, buy him a shot of Montezuma or crappy Brandy. It's irrelevant, really. If you win, rub it in and you may ruin that guy's entire weekend. Isn't that AWESOME?!
Options: "I just came up here to ask you to play a round of darts because I've always wanted to play against someone who's in a Nursing Home League."

1. Duh, Get Fucked Up
Gonna Let That Irish Baby Out-Drink You?
What To Do: If you're reading this blog (still), you clearly know how to get drunk. Order shots, imply your drinks are weak so your next one is strong, look at the highest ABV on the menu. IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS, PEOPLE! You're at a boring bar and not driving? Well, get hammered and who knows what might happen. You might wake up wearing a diaper with a hot girl wearing her Denny's uniform in a room smelling like pancakes. DARE TO DREAM BIG (AFTER DRINKING BIG).
Options: "I'll have six shots of whiskey and whatever my friends want." (Sees semi-fat blonde eyeing him across the bar) "Ehh....better make that seven."