If You Liked Him Then You Should Put a Drink In Him

I'm back from an unfortunate absence here at the blog and I promise to be more regular. I don't know what I was thinking actually. But the bar scene is terribly unfair. I'm about to turn it on it's head like a penis into a vagina. What? I don't know. Here are 5 Bullshit Things About Today's Bar Scene and Solutions to These Problems

If You Don't Buy a Girl a Drink, You Can't Flirt With Her
"You know, you've got quite the overbite. That could come in handy."
Why It's Crap: I could write an entire blog about this one alone. Hell, I could write a book. Girls have taken advantage of guys buying them drinks for TOO LONG. Why should I waste $6 or more on a girl that I just met, when it will likely go nowhere? I shouldn't have to liquor a girl up to have a nice conversation about how big my penis is or what color bra she's wearing. (The answer to both: big and pink, big and pink) Booze is expensive, especially all those Fluffy Island Navel's or whatever girls are drinking these days. And let's be honest: most single girls at bars aren't worth spending $6 just to talk to.
The Solution: The next time your flirting with a girl, ask her to buy YOU a drink. If she does, then you know she likes you. And you can always offer to get the next round anyway. If she won't, then screw her. (Not literally. You're not Ben Roethliesberger) TIME TO PLAY BY OUR OWN RULES MEN.

Bars are so Loud I Have to Yell To Hear Anyone
Because You Never Know Which Bar Might Play It....
Why It's Crap: Look, I get it. People like to go out, listen to music and dance. Well, that's what clubs are for. There's nothing wrong with music on, but when you're at a bar that doesn't even have a dance floor, why does music have to be deafening. I have to scream to talk to the person next to me? How am I supposed to flirt with that barely-legal Asian chick in the corner if Def Leopard is playing louder than a Chinese vowel? There's no reason for it, especially cause the music BLOWS.
The Solution: Create more pub-style bars, so there is a difference in this country between pubs, bars, and clubs. If I wanna go out and just chill with my friends, I don't want fucking "Bad Romance" playing for the 45th time that night overtaking my eardrums like a Nazi mine field. More bars should have karaoke anyway.

Overpriced Drinks
I Bet If You Replaced It With Cristal, You Wouldn't Even Know the Difference
Why It's Crap: On the weekends, when most people go out, bars rarely have anything on special and charge mucho prices for liquor-based drinks. It's a recession, motherfuckers! I'm not paying $8 for a vodka/cranberry and no, I'm not on my period! You need to have female sex organs for that! And....oh, I see what you're doing, that was an insult. Haha. But seriously, I know that tonic water doesn't cost $3 for half a glass. I'd rather get scurvy then pay that for it!
Solution: Buy 40s and drink on the stoop. Works for blacks.

Jagerbombs Specials
Why I Stopped Drinking Jager
Why It's Shit: Jagerbombs blow. Fuck jager. It's German, meaning you're supporting Nazism and the destruction of humor. Why can't they have specials on GOOD shots? Like, say, straight up JACK. Jagerbombs are for pussies who can't drink alcohol unless it tastes like a Sweet Tart. And they are hogging all the deals at bars.
Solution: Start a political party that's like the Tea Party but more like the Whiskey Party. Because Tea sucks. And so do they.

Slut's and Ho's
Look On the Bright Side, Kid. She gave me a good blowjob. Wait...that sucks for you. Hahahahahaha.
Why It's Shit: Half the people that go to the bars these days are skank asses dressed like Miley in the nude photoshoot. Look, I get it girls. Your boobs look great while they're hanging out and those skintight dresses shows off your fat ass. Blah blah blah. You aren't flattering yourself, guys that are looking for something short and one-nightish will always gravitate towards you.
Solution: Dress code for bars: sweetpants, hoodies, and slippers. Bam, the pajama bar. Wait, that's a pretty good idea.