If You Liked Him Then You Should Put a Drink In Him

I'm back from an unfortunate absence here at the blog and I promise to be more regular. I don't know what I was thinking actually. But the bar scene is terribly unfair. I'm about to turn it on it's head like a penis into a vagina. What? I don't know. Here are 5 Bullshit Things About Today's Bar Scene and Solutions to These Problems

If You Don't Buy a Girl a Drink, You Can't Flirt With Her
"You know, you've got quite the overbite. That could come in handy."
Why It's Crap: I could write an entire blog about this one alone. Hell, I could write a book. Girls have taken advantage of guys buying them drinks for TOO LONG. Why should I waste $6 or more on a girl that I just met, when it will likely go nowhere? I shouldn't have to liquor a girl up to have a nice conversation about how big my penis is or what color bra she's wearing. (The answer to both: big and pink, big and pink) Booze is expensive, especially all those Fluffy Island Navel's or whatever girls are drinking these days. And let's be honest: most single girls at bars aren't worth spending $6 just to talk to.
The Solution: The next time your flirting with a girl, ask her to buy YOU a drink. If she does, then you know she likes you. And you can always offer to get the next round anyway. If she won't, then screw her. (Not literally. You're not Ben Roethliesberger) TIME TO PLAY BY OUR OWN RULES MEN.

Bars are so Loud I Have to Yell To Hear Anyone
Because You Never Know Which Bar Might Play It....
Why It's Crap: Look, I get it. People like to go out, listen to music and dance. Well, that's what clubs are for. There's nothing wrong with music on, but when you're at a bar that doesn't even have a dance floor, why does music have to be deafening. I have to scream to talk to the person next to me? How am I supposed to flirt with that barely-legal Asian chick in the corner if Def Leopard is playing louder than a Chinese vowel? There's no reason for it, especially cause the music BLOWS.
The Solution: Create more pub-style bars, so there is a difference in this country between pubs, bars, and clubs. If I wanna go out and just chill with my friends, I don't want fucking "Bad Romance" playing for the 45th time that night overtaking my eardrums like a Nazi mine field. More bars should have karaoke anyway.

Overpriced Drinks
I Bet If You Replaced It With Cristal, You Wouldn't Even Know the Difference
Why It's Crap: On the weekends, when most people go out, bars rarely have anything on special and charge mucho prices for liquor-based drinks. It's a recession, motherfuckers! I'm not paying $8 for a vodka/cranberry and no, I'm not on my period! You need to have female sex organs for that! And....oh, I see what you're doing, that was an insult. Haha. But seriously, I know that tonic water doesn't cost $3 for half a glass. I'd rather get scurvy then pay that for it!
Solution: Buy 40s and drink on the stoop. Works for blacks.

Jagerbombs Specials
Why I Stopped Drinking Jager
Why It's Shit: Jagerbombs blow. Fuck jager. It's German, meaning you're supporting Nazism and the destruction of humor. Why can't they have specials on GOOD shots? Like, say, straight up JACK. Jagerbombs are for pussies who can't drink alcohol unless it tastes like a Sweet Tart. And they are hogging all the deals at bars.
Solution: Start a political party that's like the Tea Party but more like the Whiskey Party. Because Tea sucks. And so do they.

Slut's and Ho's
Look On the Bright Side, Kid. She gave me a good blowjob. Wait...that sucks for you. Hahahahahaha.
Why It's Shit: Half the people that go to the bars these days are skank asses dressed like Miley in the nude photoshoot. Look, I get it girls. Your boobs look great while they're hanging out and those skintight dresses shows off your fat ass. Blah blah blah. You aren't flattering yourself, guys that are looking for something short and one-nightish will always gravitate towards you.
Solution: Dress code for bars: sweetpants, hoodies, and slippers. Bam, the pajama bar. Wait, that's a pretty good idea.

Recession Proofs: How to Drink For Free

With tough times hitting everyone's wallet, it's at this time more than ever that it's important to save some cash. Well, that doesn't mean you necessarily have to give up fun. Just find more creative ways to have it! If you feel as if you still must go out (and let's be honest--if you're reading this, you probably do), I've put together a few ways you can save some cash by not having to pay for those pesky expensive drinks. Here are 6 Ways to Drink for Free.

Be Very, Very Attractive
How to Prepare: Do your hair, spray on some cologne/perfume, get on the treadmill, hope you were blessed with a favorable bone structure.
How It Works: The easiest and most effective way of getting free drinks is to be hot. Obviously, there's not much to it. Sit at the bar, flash a few glances, and BOOM! Drink's are freer than America on the 4th of July. Of course this works better if you're female but that doesn't mean it can't work for males. You just have to look really good and pray on the weak. It's been done for centuries, why stop now?
Pictured: Billy Zane always drinks free, bitches.


Flask
How to Prepare: Pour alcohol into flask, put flask in pocket, go to bar, don't be retarded.
How It Works: Ever since drunk-driving became so faux pas, bars have been giving out free soft drinks (read: mixers) to designated drivers. There's no reason in this struggling economy that you shouldn't take advantage of their offer. Get your free Sprite, go to the bathroom, and pour in some vodka. That's a free $6 cocktail right there, ladies and gents. For of those of you not blessed with a flask...well, you're reading a blog about alcoholism. I'm going to assume you have a flask.
Pictured: Don't get confused--this isn't science class.


Identity Theft
How to Prepare: Steal Someone Else's Credit Card or Money.
How It Works: Is there someone you hate? I mean, like, a lot. If so, steal their wallet, take their credit card, and put it back (you don't want them canceling it--if it's all missing they'll cancel it. If just the credit card is missing, they'll look for it for a while). Go to your favorite bar and start a tab. I recommend taking complete advantage of this situation while you can. Grey goose martini's to those two decent looking girls should automatically not only make you look like a badass, but also in a position to get some bad ass. Identity Theft is extremely effective and requires very little effort. I assume that's why it's so popular.
Pictured: That's right--be the victor.


Tell People You Have Cancer
How to Prepare: Wear a hat so it looks like you have no hair, get a fake hospital wristband, prepare some funny cancer jokes to show you still have a sense of humor about it.
How It Works: Perhaps not the most ethical way to get free drinks, but a way nonetheless (After all, you're still reading this after I suggested identity theft). There's nothing that hits people harder than the "c" word. Cancer is deadly--and there's no way people are gonna let you pay for drinks while you've got one last night to have fun before starting chemo. Hell, you might even get some sympathy sex. The only problem may be that you can only use this once per bar, so maybe make it at a bar you may not go to for a while. And remember kiddies--the later the stage of the disease, the higher the class of the drinks. This also works with break-ups, deaths in the family, and horrific train accidents that your fiancee got in (hey, just thinking outside the box).
Pictured: What? Black people do it all the time.


Become a Con-Artist
How to Prepare: Look Unsuspecting, Think of a Good Ol' Fashioned Ruse, Prepare to Get Ass-Kicked.
How It Works: Usually not recommended, but hell, times are tough. There are millions of ways to do it. Maybe stop a girl from drinking her drink, tell her you saw someone put something it, tell her you'll get her a new one and walk off with it. Just think of an excuse if she asks you about it later. Go around with raffle tickets and a jar and sell them to morons for $2. Like you can't get three idiots at a bar to believe you? This idea WILL piss people off, very much so. So you might need to plan on bar-hopping on a night you do this. Just so, you know, you don't die for a vodka/cranberry.
Pictured: They got people to believe Bernie was dead--twice!


Buy an Auto-Tune Machine
How to Prepare: Go on Iphone, Buy T-Pain Autotune Application, Tell Bar Your Band Will Play All Night for Free Drinks.
How It Works: Yup, even for drinking free, there's an "App" for that! People love auto-tuned shit these days. It's horrific but who cares? Buy an auto-tune machine and pretend you have a band. Pre-record a bunch of shitty music auto-tuned with a similar beat that people can dance to. Most bars will let you play it if you only ask for free drinks. It may be a little more work than the rest but really, if you're thinking of ways to try and get free drinks, you've probably got some time on your hands. Wait--I think I just insulted myself.
Pictured: Worked for him and I doubt he's got a BA.


Well, I hope I helped a little bit. You people enjoy your weekend, YA HEAR?! Until next time, aur revoir mis bonita readers.

Guys Just Wanna Have Rum

WHAT? God, I'm ancy. Can't you tell? My girlfriend has been on a cruise for a while and I've had no car since then and my hormones feel like a pregnant girl craving chocolate, then sex, then chocolate again. Then sex. Again. Damnit. I like girly drinks and I presume every guy does. They're frickin delicious. But I would never order one. Girls may not know why. I'm here, as always, to explain. Here is What Fruity Drinks Say About Straight Guys.

Cosmopolitan
Why He Ordered It: Feel asleep to "Sex in the City" and is jonesing for one bad.
Probable Reaction: "What's that red thing in your hand, bro?"
Cover Up Attempt: Ordering a cosmo is an experience for a man. An experience in extreme lameness, that is. He's throwing out all reservations for good taste, something no men do. That's why we drink whiskey, scotch, and tequila. A man who has enough guts to say "cosmopolitan" is a man with misguided guts. Someone who orders it might tell you "It's really just a fancy name for a vodka/cranberry!" Whatever, Samantha. If the bartender is a guy, he will snicker and not serve this guy for the rest of the night. If the bartender is female, she'll set him up on a blind date--with her gay best friend.
Pictured: Founder of the Samantha Fan Club


Appletini
Why He Ordered It: Watches alot of "Scrubs" and is trying to be ironic or something.
Probable Reaction: "When you're done, are you gonna stick that tini core up your ass?"
Cover Up Attempt: The man likes vodka, yet can't deal with it straight. Doesn't like beer or any of that other "manly" stuff. Really just wants a drink that tastes good. Too bad that means all the men are going to be looking at him. Straight ones making fun of him and gay ones wondering how big his penis is. The man's friends will ostracize him for the rest of the night, for fear of "gay by association" chants. Will likely attempt to salvage his rep by pounding whiskey the rest of the night but, as is when you wet your pants eight years ago, "people don't forget!"
Pictured: Future Molester of your son.


Tequila Sunrise
Why He Ordered It: Remembers that one time he got hammered off Cuervo and banged that hand model.
Probable Reaction: "Sunrise? You gotta wake up in the morning to get your balls waxed?"
Cover Up Attempt: Well, it is tequila. But who drinks orange juice at a bar? Females. That's who. I mean the drink is red. You must be on your period, bro! Probably will try to make up for this drink by getting more ass than you. Fucker. Go listen to that Eagles song. "Just another Tequilaaaa Sunrise." I'VE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT AND I HATE THE FUCKING EAGLES MAN! And I hate not getting ass. It's like you get to it, you get to the mambo then she's like no no. FUCK. My brain is farting. Stupid penis.
Pictured: A guy who also hates The Eagles. And they do blow.


Amaretto/Midori Sour
Why He Ordered It: Heard the girl next to him order it and has been to bar like twice in his life.
Probable Reaction: "You like it sweet, eh sugartits?"
Cover Up Attempt: Not experienced in acceptable bar etiquette, apparently he didn't know there is a such thing as a "whiskey sour." It's alright to order this drink--if you wanna walk around like a jackass. One would have to say a Midori Sour is worse because, well, it's green. And it's only ok for a guy to drink green drinks on St. Patricks Day. Or if you're in China for New Year's--more on that later, though. Hold on--I'm having a chocolate craving. AHHHH!!! Whew where was I? Oh yes. Midori Sours. They're for fags.
Pictured: i think that's a guy. If it's not....yikes.


Pina Colada
Why He Ordered It: Maybe he just heard that one song and likes getting caught in the rain.
Probable Reaction: "What's in that drink--cum and rum? No wonder you're swallowing it so fast."
Cover Up Attempt: I've never been a fan of Pina Colada's. Rum is overrated and this drink is actually the highest calorie drink of all the alcoholic drinks (source: look it up on your own on google.) Perhaps the guy was on vacation and ordered it since it's such a vacation drink. May try and make up for his mistake by ordering Corona afterwards but Corona is nearly as girly. Why don't you just drink Michelob Ultra Light? Pussy. Go get caught in the rain with some other guy's balls. (All Blog and No Sex Makes Mike a Mean Boy)
Pictured: Pucker up, madam.


Fuzzy Navel
Why He Ordered It: Had schnapps that one time and it was "a killer night, dawg."
Probable Reaction: "Your dick get schnapped off or something?"
Cover Up Attempt: I'm not sure how one could go to up to a bar and ask for this drink. This drink doesn't even taste good! But I suppose after the guy who orders this gets slapped in the balls til he pukes, he could drink straight scotch for the rest of the night, get the phone numbers of twins, and get laid in the bathroom to atone for such a hideous bar offense as ordering a fuzzy navel. Who even likes a literal fuzzy navel? NOT MEN! Nobody wants to see hair on a girl there--or anywhere besides her head for that matter! SHAVE SHAVE SHAVE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Pictured: Milk--a manly drink.


Long Island Iced Tea
Why He Ordered It: Wants to get fucked up and has no idea what to order besides this.
Probable Reaction: "What, you need to be hammered to hook up with chicks?"
Cover Up Attempt: Some may disagree and say the long island is more of a universal drink, for men and women, or a good name for a big penis that a Jewish girl made up. But I disagree (with the first part). The long island iced tea is expressly for getting girls drunk enough to get horny and make mistakes. Guys wanna get drunk, order a beer. Order whiskey. Goddamnit, don't ruin the long island iced tea. LET GIRLS HAVE IT! THE MORE OF A GIRLY DRINK WE MAKE IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL DRINK IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL BE DRUNK, THE MORE GIRLS WILL HAVE SEX! Listen to me. Please? (Ed.'s Note: Mike has lost it. This is why you don't participate in "sex challenges" with your girlfriend when she's on vacation.)
Pictured: YOU THINK THIS SHIT HAPPENS WHEN GIRLS DRINK BEER?


I hope I helped you examine the male psyche of girl drunkenness. There's not much to it really. Stray away from these ones though, ladies! They might turn over before you know it! Happy New Years! GET DRUNK AND HAVE FUN AND GET LAID I WONT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Mike's Mildly Concussed Head's Best TV Shows of the Decade

I know these last few posts have had little to do with alcohol, but I must get said needs out of my system. Bear with me...I'll have another real-time review and holiday post up before years end. But you should all know the greatest things of the decade...so they are not lost to the past. What are the greatest TV shows of the decade and what criteria am I basing this on? Criteria is unimportant. It is the my opinion and you will follow it blindly thank you good day let's do this. Here are the 10 Best TV Shows of the 00's, As Told By Me With A Mild Concussion.

Honorable Mention: "Mad Men" -- "Mad Men," one of the best shows currently on TV, loses out on a top ten spot for one reason and one reason only: the inconsistency of it's third season, although still a good season, has not been up to par with season's one and two.

10. Freaks and Geeks
Included Because: F&G's is probably still the best depiction of high school life to be on television. Although it only lasted one season, it paved the way for future Judd Apatow to be one of the most successful comedic directors of the decade. Actors Jason Segel, Seth Rogen, James Franco, among others, all got their start right here. And what a brilliant, funny depiction it was. Anyone who was ever a "freak" or a "geek" in high school can identify with the hilariously real creations that are the shows characters.

9. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Included Because: In a painful eight years of ineptitude in the White House, an historical election and perhaps the worst national tragedy in our nation's history, Jon Stewart became the face of the younger generation's news. Finally, there's someone to call out the screaming heads at Fox News, among other news outlets, and criticize the government when it needed to be. Jon Stewart perhaps was one of the most politically influential people, especially to younger people, of the decade.

8. The Sopranos
Included Because: HBO's excellent mob drama, The Sopranos was an explosively entertaining drama. Even the world's scariest people are not exempt from psychological problems like depression and anxiety, i.e. Tony Soprano. The show, although some were disappointed with the ending, was consistently captivating throughout its run. It's characters gave stand out performances and the story's direction never faltered. Mob life has never been so dramatic on the small screen.

7. Battlestar Galactica
Included Because: BSG, which will get me openly criticized for me being a complete loser and it's spot on the list, was an excellent drama. I once thought too that it was completely only for nerds of the highest degree--until I saw it. It's action packed, thumping space drama that has rich characters and a compelling mythos. It's so much more than just nerd fodder: it's a human drama, set in space. Freaks and Geeks is in high school, The Sopranos is in the mob, and BSG is in space. Why it gets the nerd rap, I don't know, but it's undeserved since it's excellence is relatively unmatched in the sci-fi genre, or almost any drama as a whole.

6. Curb Your Enthusiasm
Included Because: Larry David's next show about nothing is almost as good, if not as good, as his baby Seinfeld. Such a simply show, played to perfection by David and his improv companions. It's the tale of a rich Jewish man living in L.A., obsessed with the most superfluous, ridiculous details of life. It's hilarious in it's subtly but also overt in that it knows what it's dealing with. It's Seinfeld, on HBO, with a different lead actor that can actually act.

5. The Office (U.S.)
Included Because: Some might argue it should be the British version in this spot and perhaps those people are right. But the American "Office" translates much better to it's American audience than the British one. And let's be honest: the American version is a much happier show. Besides it's lackluster 1st season, The Office has been consistently hilarious. It perhaps uses running jokes better than any other show, yet still manages to keep them funny. It has developed every member of Dunder Mifflin and given their own perfect persona. The Office is funny, awkward, and heartfelt. And it's proved that you CAN have the "will they or won't they" couple get together and still keep the show very, very funny.

4. Friday Night Lights
Included Because: It's one of the crimes of the decade that viewers couldn't see past the football of this show and give it a chance--since it's one of the best dramas on television. It's focus on a small, football obsessed town focuses on so much more than sport. High school, marriage, corruption, and all the elements of a good drama are there to draw the viewers in. No show will break your heart or lift it up more so than FNL, and you will be rewarded for your faith in the show while tuning in. It's a show that's hard to describe but so easy to be drawn in by. Brilliant, yet overlooked, performances give the show a mystique rarely found on TV.

3. Lost
Included Because: For all it's haters, Lost has a ridiculously obsessed fanbase, me included. Usually sci-fi doesn't capture the loyalty of a large fanbase, but this show has done so by developing it's characters and centering the show around them. The show, granted, can be confusing at times, but really only to those who do not completely invest in the show. It's preposterously addicting--like the TV edition of crack. It's one of those things that must be seen to be believed. Beautiful, enriching, and emotionally invested, Lost will be a show imitated for years to come.

2. Arrested Development
Included Because: AD was definitely the best comedic creation of the decade. Centered around a dysfunctional family, AD became an epic collection of running jokes, catchphrases, meta-humor, and preposterously hilarious characters. It's a show that has lived on long past it's end date and has inspired similar shows. AD is the best sitcom of the decade, maybe even one of the best ever, and is so glorifiably table and just plain fun to watch that it's longevity will likely last much longer than any show could ever dream to.

1. The Wire
Included Because: The Wire is an achievement unlike any other. Paint a portrait of an entire city: but not only it's police force, rather it's police, it's drug dealers, it's addicts, and it's corrupt politicians. It explores the inner workings of the entire system, not just one. It's deliberate pacing may be off putting at first--but it transforms the show into something unbelievably monumental. It's one of the best collection of acting, direction, story, and personality that television has ever seen. It's emotionally haunting and supremely confident and real. It doesn't pull any punches or turn something into a happy ending to keep the audience uplifted. It's real, it's disturbing, it's captivating, but most of all--it's one of the best televisions since forever and ever.

Best Movies of the Decade

It's been quite a decade, hasn't it? Maybe not for movies, but still. What are the best movies of the decade? Who knows? Me. Here are the 11 Best Movies of the Decade.

11. Almost Famous (2000)
Almost Famous is a brilliant reminder of the beauty of music. I don't understand people who can't find emotion from listening to something beautiful in their headphones while lying in the dark. It's in Almost Famous that so many tragically beautiful moments remind us of the utter preposterousness of trying to be cool--when being yourself is the coolest thing in the world. From the "Tiny Dancer" scene on the bus, to the crazy awesome performance of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Almost Famous is the quintessential music movie.


10. In Bruges (2008)
Out of nowhere, perhaps the biggest surprise of this list swept up out of nowhere and simply stuns the audience. It's funny, smart, and the performances of Ralph Fiennes, Colin Farrell, and Brandon Gleason are all spot on with the tone of the movie. Set in the medieval town of Bruges, Belgium, the film follow two hitmen hiding out and the bizarre circumstances that surround them. Perhaps the most surprising thing about the movie is how much heart it is. It is bizarrely sweet, in a way that only a movie about two Irish hitmen hiding out in a historical town could be.
Funny Moments


9. The 40-Year Old Virgin (2005)
Judd Apatow's first effort as director started off a new era of comedy. To the ridiculous concept and bromance fad the movie starts, 40-Year Old Virgin is one of the most re-watchable movies of the decade. Steve Carrell is hilarious and it really started the rise of Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd as comedic tools. It's a comedic masterpiece that is quotable from start to finish, and who can ask for much more?


8. The Departed (2006)
Martin Scorsese's gangster flick, just a remake of an Asian film, brings so much to the table. One might look at the ridiculously stacked cast of DiCaprio, Damon, Nicholson, and Wahlberg, just to name a few, for the films success. And they wouldn't be far off. The densely layered plot takes twists and turns and drives its characters in so many different directions, it's hard to figure out who's playing who sometimes. But Scorsese succeeds where other gangster films fail: he's got an excellently written script to go along with the violence. And it's played to near perfection.


7. Lost in Translation (2003)
All lists are subjective, and I know this pick will be disputed. But there's something so beautiful about Lost in Translation. Painting Tokyo as a vibrant, alive city with two dead inside souls inside it, Sofia Coppola captures the feeling of hopelessness perfectly. What some may find boring about this movie, I simply find fantastic. Bill Murray is excellent and even Scarlett Johnasson's dialogue is minimal, as to allow us to take in her beauty. Lost in Translation shows that age, location, and distance have nothing to do with our happiness. It can happen anytime, anywhere, no matter what.
Lost in Translation Moments

6. (500) Days of Summer (2009)
Out of nowhere, a movie can take its audience and make it feel like they're living up on that screen. And in (500) Days of Summer, it's hipster agenda aside, it all feels real. It's what happens when two people fall in and out of love and how our own ideas of it can blind us from the truth. One of the best love stories of the decade, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the adorable Zooey Deschanel act on screen like they've been there before--and we all have.


5. There Will Be Blood (2007)
Pair the greatest actor of the generation with the greatest director of the generation and this is what you get: a piece of cinematic brilliance. Daniel Day-Lewis puts in a mesmerizing performance behind director Paul Thomas Anderson's oil spectacle. The movie is often overshadowed by Day-Lewis' bravura show of a performance, but Paul Thomas Anderson's vision is about much more than that. The ending has turned into a bit of a pop culture joke, but lest not forget how amazingly mesmerizing this PTA and DDL made There Will Be Blood.


4. Cidade de Deus (City of God) (2002)
The best foreign language film of the decade, if not the century, is no doubt City of God. The Brazilian gangster epic pans a depressing picture of the youth of Brazil's slums and the inner working of the terrifying "City of God" area that is a haven for violence. It's a brilliant piece of cinema and a master work of art that could only be equaled by a Scorsese.


3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
The greatest love story in the 00's, Eternal Sunshine is indie filmmaking with A-list stars. Perhaps the female performance of the decade, Kate Winslet is excellent as a quirky, lovelorn companion for Jim Carrey. As the movie erases the memories of their past romance, it doesn't stop them from finding each other yet again. It's serendipity at it's finest and it's the essence of love in it's most supernatural way.


2. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Shaun of the Dead is the reason many of those shitty parody movies are made--but one can hardly blame it. The best zombie movie, best comedy, and one of the best stories of the decade, Shaun combines all these elements to a near perfect result. There's little to complain about as Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Director Edgar Wright take us on an hilarious journey through London as a bunch of underachievers try to survive a zombie invasion. It's heartfelt, it's funny, and best of all--it knows exactly what it is and knows the perfect tone to convey.


1. Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
It's the reason we go to movies. To be enchanted. It's a love story but that's an inaccurate description. Every element of the film works to 100% perfection. The soundtrack is thumping in the vibrant slums. The cinematography is beautiful in an imperfect world. The actors are perhaps not perfect, but real. Director Danny Boyle leaves his audience with a feeling of euphoria leaving the theatre. It's a movie to be remembered. Cliched? Who cares? When a life is that hard, nothing but a happy ending is deserved.

The Drunk Awards of the Aughts (Or Whatever We're Calling this Decade)

Every decade needs a "Best of..." and of course, here at the blog, I had to make some sort of list to commemorate the ending of the decade. It's been an eventful one. Most are, but I feel like more happened than, say, in the 1860s. Seriously, name one thing that happened that decade. Anyways, let's get on with it. These are the Drunk Awards of the Last Decade

Best Drinking Movie

Nominees:

Beerfest

The Hangover

Bad Santa

Old School

Winner: Unfortunately, none of these movies are all that spectacular. But, since there has to be a winner, let's give it to Bad Santa since it's Christmas season and I'm feeling all cheery-like.

Most Ridiculous Celebrity DUI

Mel Gibson (2006)

Tony LaRussa (2006)

Lindsay Lohan (Pick 'Em)

Cedric Benson (2007)

Winner: Well, who can be the winner here? Gibson called a woman cop "Sugartits" while insults Jewish people, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa feel asleep in the middle of an intersection, Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan....but Cedric Benson gets the trophy for getting a DUI while driving a boat.

Worst Drinking Trend

Red Bull/Vodka

Sweet Tea Vodka

No Smoking in Bars

Me Dislocating My Knee

Winner: Red Bull/Vodka was on my shit list til I tried it, Sweet Tea Vodka isn't really a trend, rather just shitty booze, and me dislocating my knee is pretty bad but it also gets me alot of attention. No Smoking in Bars is an unfortunate development. I mean, I quit but still...where's my secondhand smoke brah?

Best Drinking Trend

Sorority Girls Reading My Blog

Winner: Yeah that's right. They're probably reading right now in between round 5 and 6 of their pillow fight.

Most Ridiculous Drunk Claims

Ron Artest claiming he Drank During NBA Games

Titans Running Back LenDale White claiming he lost weight drinking only tequila

Girls when they say"I Never Do This..."

Anything Tiger or His Wife Say About his Recent Scandal

Winner: Oh, Girls...Like we really believe you.

Best "Rehab" Television Show

Intervention

That Dr. Drew One

Intervention w/ Kristin Chenoweth

Winnter: All of these STINK besides Kristin.

Stupidest Song That Drunk People Love

Soulja Boy Tell 'Em- Crank Dat

Baha Men- Who Let the Dogs Out?

Hurricane Chris- Ay Bay Bay

Bloodhound Gang- Bad Touch (Discovery Channel)

Gomez- Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot (Mike Dolan in the Face)

Winner: Unfortunately, winner is more of an ironic term here. Or not, but nobody wins. The worst song, however, is Ay Bay Bay, forever and always.

Prettiest Place I Drank

Dublin, Ireland

Santorini, Greece

Cozumel, Mexico

Bloomington, Illinois

Winner: There's little prettier than drinking with my girlfriend in BLOOMington but let's be realistic. Santorini is one of the prettiest places on Earth. It's so pretty you just want to take it out for a nice dinner and be respectful all night, without even thinking of trying for sex until the 3rd or 4th date.

Ugliest Place I Drank

Kirksville, Missouri

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

(A Certain District Of...) Amsterdam, The Netherlands

St. Louis, Missouri

Winner: In a battle of shitstorms, no sane human being can deny Milwaukee, Wisconsinas the biggest load of crap in the Midwest besides Detroit.

Best Fictional Bars

The Winchester (Shaun of the Dead)

McClarren's (How I Met Your Mother)

Paddy's Pub (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Kavanaugh's (The Wire)

Winner: Oh please. Paddy's, McClaren's, and Kavanaugh's are all great, but The Winchester is the only bar sexy enough to survive a zombie romantic comedy.

Anti-Alcoholic of the Decade

Jonas Brothers

Miley Cyrus

The New Pope, I Forget His Name

I Don't Know, Aren't There Countries That Outlaw Alcohol? Those, then.

Winner: Miley Cyrus is the winner because she's 17 and richer than me and everyone who's ever come near this blog's lifetime net wealth.

Alcoholic of the Decade

Mel Gibson

Lindsay Lohan

Britney Spears

Paula Abdul

David Hasselhoff

Winner: Although some would argue that David Hasselhoff has "earned" the win here, there can be no denying that Lindsay Lohan has truly captured the true essence of the American problem child. Some (Jillie and her friends, probably) would argue that Britney deserves the award for her comeback and all that. BUT NO. Lindsay was at least a mildly sane and semi-functional alcoholic. Britney went off the rocker like a glorified cat lady. Except her kids and K-Fed ending up being the cats.

The "Mike Dolan Award" for Invincibility, Awesomeness, and Fulfilling Every One of Your Sexual Desires

Jesus

Mike Dolan

Everyone Who Reads This

Ha! Just Kidding, It's Just Between Me and Jesus.

Winner: Really, we're all winners here. Mike Dolan wins since Jesus was against sex before marriage, was never married, thus never had sex and fulfilled nobody's sexual desires ha ha ha I beat your Lord and Savior.

Whoa, I think I'll also win a first class ticket to hell.

Those are the drunk awards of the decade. Recognize, there'll be more "Best of the decade lists" in your future fo sho.

What You're Really Thankful For

On a day like today, we are supposed to look at our lives and give thanks for the most important things. Your family, friends, significant others, health, etc. Please. I know what you're really thankful for and have compiled a list of the stuff that really does matter most. Because sometimes you need to thank the people who make your lives more interesting, like me. So thank me. After you're done reading 40 Things You're Really Thankful For

1. Designated Drivers
2. When you're girl/boy friend gets drunk and you just know you're gonna get some good lovin' because of it.
3. Dance/Hip-Hop music that makes girls dance like they're in a rap video.
4. Drink specials that are so preposterous, you'd be stupid not to go out/take extreme advantage.
5. Ridiculous drunk texts from ridiculously drunk people.
6. When a drunk girl tells you she's a virgin, even if she's not, to make sex more fun.
7. Terrible looking people hooking up with each other.
8. People stumbling and falling down while drunkwalking.
9. Food places that are open ALL. NIGHT. LONG.
10. That shitty band that is all the sudden pretty damn good after your 6th beer.
11. Pictures of you that you have no recollection of taking.
12. Tylenol, Advil, and Coffee
13. Not remembering someone's name all night long and getting away with it.
14. Looking much worse than you think you look.
15. Finding creative ways to get free drinks.
16. The invention of a tasty new drink that is yours and yours alone. (See: Seagrams 7, Splash of Tequila, 7 Up, Top with Champagne)
17. Waking up, looking next to you, and breathing a sigh of relief.
18. Passing other people on their walks of shame while you are on yours.
19. Being able to hide your hangover from everyone well.
20. Being the drunkest person at a family event--and not caring.
21. Bars that are open til 4 AM.
22. Being the only drunk person somewhere and being proud of it.
23. Cubs games that give you an excuse to drink during the day.
24. Drunk girls in heels.
25. Saying things that feel profound--but aren't.
26. Asking the bartender "What's the strongest drink you can make?" and have him respond "I know what you need" when buying a girl a drink.
27. Having a gay person hit on you even if you aren't gay and liking it because gay people know all about looks and style.
28. Not knowing any better.
29. Waking up wearing something completely different than the night before.
30. Hungover morning sex.
31. Choosing mexican food because, hey, they have margaritas.
32. Saying "it'll all work out" throughout the night and being right.
33. People in your phone with names like "Purple Shirt Bar Guy" or "Best Head Ever."
34. Your friend foolishly opening up a tab with you around.
35. Being allowed to go to a bar in gym shorts.
36. "Whoo!" girls.
37. Being hurt and not able to feel it.
38. Sunday Fundays.
39. Droral Sex. (Drunk Oral Sex) I mean...it's pretty satisfying.
40. Short Epileptic Jewish Girls that like you for some reason.

That's what you're really thankful for. Thank ME later. Peace out and Happy Thanksgiving!

Feats of Strength: 30 Things To Do Before You Die

You see, when I write this blog thinger every so often, sometimes I stare out my window while I'm typing. I see the beautiful world out there, whether it be raining, snowing, hailing, or just plain sunny as a cucumber. I think "one day, I'm not gonna be able to see all this." There will be one day where you will look out that window for the last time. So what I'm doing for you today is to make sure that the last time you look out that window, you got a shit-eating grin on your face. You know why you have a shit-eating grin on your face? Because you've done it all. If you finish this list that is. 30 Things Every Drunk Should Do Before They Die. Obviously, they all involve alcohol.


30. Go On a Bender
Why? Maybe someone just died, maybe you just got dumped, maybe both. Maybe your life just sucks. A bender is this: drinking all day, waking up and doing it again and doing it again, etc. I'd say the minimum to be counted is 3 days. But it sure as hell will help you get over it. My bender was a full 4 days of basically living off of rum and pineapple juice. A weird combo, I know, but my justification was that it reminded me of sunnier times.

29. Dance By Yourself In Front of Everyone
Why? Some people won't dance, since they are awful. Well, look out on the dance floor. If there are 100 people, 75 are terrible dancers. I'd say 80% of people just rock back and forth anyway. But being hammered and attempting to get down like you never have in front of a large crowd? You might get boo'd. But you MIGHT get cheered. Either way, you're a winner. Because you had the confidence to do it. Confidence is hot.

28. Bartend
Why? I think this one goes without saying. Why not get paid to do what you do at home? Make drinks and talk to drunk people. 'Nuff said.

27. Get Sent to the Drunk Tank
Why? Nothing will make you regret drinking more than waking up in jail and not knowing why you're there. It's good sometimes to be reminded of the bad things that booze can do. It will make you learn your lesson. Hopefully just temporarily though.

26. Get Drunk With Your Parents
Why? They are the people that brought you into this world. Whether you hate them, love them, or whatever, it's important to remember that you could've had it worse. So sit back, mix a few cocktails and get a buzz going with mommy and daddy.

25. Get Drunk By Yourself
Why? There are these social norms that say you're an alcoholic if you drink by yourself. I say societal norms are for people who care what others think. You want to take a true, hard look at your life? Pour a few whiskey sours and look in the mirror. You may never be more honest with yourself.

24. Finish a Bottle of Liquor By Yourself
Why? The true test of a drinker is obviously their tolerance. Think you got what it takes? Finish that fifth of Captain Morgan and get back to me. (Ed.'s Note: I hate Captain Morgan)

23. Drunk Fight Someone
Why? I'm not much for fighting but I do believe everyone should at least get in one during their time on good ol' Earth. If nothing else, it'll convince you not to do it ever again. Unless you win. Which if you're reading this, is very doubtful.

22. Get Banned From a Bar
Why? Not kicked out, banned. Forever. Now I've been kicked out before, but not banned. To be banned requires an act so vile, so perverse that only the most drunk of drunk people can pull it off. Anyone ever been 86'd? I'd love to hear your story.

21. Overtip Your Bartender
Why? Once in your life, show your favorite bartender how grateful you really are for pouring your scotch and sodas. You'll never get bad service at that bar ever again.

20. Have Sex in Public
Why? Sex if fun. Unless you're my friend Tim, then it's just worth too much effort. Know the rush you get when you're doing something bad and getting away with it? Oh. Well, have sex in public (public = outside, somewhere visible) and feel the rush. Hard.

19. Drink at Work (or Go to Work Drunk)
Why? Because work sucks and this will make it feel a little better. Those TPS reports will seem comical when you're thinking about your water bottle full of vodka sitting right next to it. Make sure you have some gum and cologne though.

18. Be the Night's DJ
Why? Even if it's standing by the jukebox all night putting in quarters, there's not many better feelings than picking a song and hearing people say "OH! I love this song!" and getting up to dance. If you've got a good flow going, noone would dare pick a song til you miss.

17. Dominate a Drinking Game All Night
Why? Maybe it's quarters, beer pong, or flip cup. Who cares? Hold the title of "winner" for the whole night. Make people say "Damn, that guy is good." They might think you spend too much time in your life playing that game. I say fuck 'em. They're really just jealous they can't do it. Besides, people who are winning at drinking games tend to get more free booze.

16. Make Out In Front of EVERYONE at a Bar
Why? I'm assuming my over-age readers (and underage with Fake IDs) have probably polished this one off. But for those who haven't, do it. There really is nothing like making out with someone sloppy drunk in front of baffled onlookers and not caring. It's liberating.

15. Take Too Many Pictures
Why? Guys tend to not like to take pictures while they're out. I don't know why, I love it. I think it's more the mentality that it's a girl thing and guys (at least the ones I know) are really only out to pick up girls. Well, FUCK THAT! The memories of drunken fun usually only live on in the pictures you take. So take way too many.

14. Spend Over $100 on One Bottle
Why? It might be champagne for you and your spouse's anniversary or a present for your best friend, but one time in your life, you should know how $100 booze tastes like. Maybe it tastes like that $10 bottle of whiskey you have at home, but at least you'll have tasted it.

13. Get Drunk Somewhere You Shouldn't Be Drunk
Why? Church, Class, Your AA Meeting, wherever. Somewhere completely inappropriate. It's funner than it sounds and it'll make even the most boring leadership seminar seem at least a little interesting.

12. Buy a Member of Your Favorite Band a Drink
Why? There is little better than drunk music. Thank the men that make you rock out while getting liquored up. They deserve at least one.

11. Watch Your Favorite Movie Drunk
Why? Remember how being drunk makes everything better? Try being drunk and watching your favorite flick. Your fond memories of it will only intensify under the sauce.

10. Do a Kick-Ass Kegstand
Why? I say "kick-ass" because it obviously depends on your size and tolerance. I'd say a 15-20 seconds is OK, but not great. If you want a real goal, I'd say something really impressive would be between 45-60 seconds. You'll get mad respect.

9. Join the Century Club
Why? You can do a power hour, whoop-de-doo. So can the rest of your campus/city/slum. Try doing it for 100 minutes. Can you handle 10-11 beers in less than two hours? Now that's a real feat of strength.

8. Get Drunk Overseas (Mexico is not "Overseas")
Why? Drink up someone else's culture. Buy a bottle of wine and sit out in a cafe in Venice. Split a bottle of ouzo in Greece. Get some pitchers of Sangria in Spain. Have some sake in a Japanese karaoke bar. Take in the culture of another country by sitting out and just enjoying the view with a bottle of liquor. Customs, sightseeing, and all that is great, but just sitting and taking the city in? That's what too many travelers take for granted.

7. Drink All Night to Honor the Fallen
Why? Maybe one of your parents, friends, or extended family members has just died. Honor their memory with a bunch of shots, drinks, and stories about their past. Trust me on this, it'll help you remember the best of times you had with that person. And that truly is the testament of a lifetime: the great times you'll never forget.

6. Buy the Entire Bar a Shot
Why? Yeah, it may not be economically viable these days. So maybe go into a dive and buy the five alcoholics there a shot. Either way, feel the feeling of complete and utter joy around you. That's everyone toasting to you. Even as you sign that $150 bar tab, you'll still be smiling.

5. Make Your Pilgrimage
Why? Go drink where your ancestors boozed. Go get a St. Patrick's Day Guinness in Dublin (best moment of my life? probably) if you're Irish. German? Go sample the Oktoberfest brews. Russian? I hear the vodka is da, very good, in Moscow. Every country has their own special brand of alcohol. Drinking it in America is just not the same as enjoying it where it was meant to be enjoyed.

4. Go to Vegas for a Impromptu Weekend
Why? Get three of your friends and plan a trip on Tuesday to leave on Friday. Spend two nights drinking, gambling, and carousing all over the city. There is no better city to find adventure and fun than in Vegas. Remember: no matter what you bet on, you can bet on having a good time. (Wordplay? kind of my thing)

3. Hit on Someone So Far Out of Your League, You Might as Well Be on the Latvian Bowling Team, Second Division
Why? Rejection is part of life. There's something wrong with you if you don't ever get rejected. Not everyone clicks, it's just a part of life. Sometimes you only have 10 seconds to get someone to like you. Go over to that ten. Not a good idea to ask if she wants a drink, since it'll probably be for nothing, but getting a little sauced and going for it is never a bad idea.

2. Tell Someone How You Really Feel
Why? In love with that girl that you're only supposed to be friends with? Hate your boss? Think your girlfriends "platonic" guy friend has a secret agenda? Get drunk and call them out. There's no better feeling than getting the truth out. Because there's no worse feeling than regretting not doing something. You might hurt feelings, you might lose friends. But you might find out that others feel the exact same way. Either way, regret is too strong of a feeling to live with. So don't live with it.

1. Give and Receive an Awesome Best Man Speech (Or Maid of Honor Toast)
Why? There's rarely a bigger honor in a man's life than being someone's best man or asking someone to be your best man. I, for one, already know who my best man will be and I'm sure it will reciprocated. Giving a great best man speech is tough, but if it comes from the heart, there's no doubt that it will kill. So toast your best friend on the best day of his life and listen to him toast you on yours. It's unlikely you'll have a drunken moment that will be more meaningful.


There you go. Cross them off one by one on your way to your grave and hopefully, when you die, they can print this out and show all 30 things crossed off at your funeral. It'll be awesome. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my post on feats of strength and your hopefully future accomplishments. Until next time, adios muchachos!