A Bon Voyage to LOST

Like all great things, LOST must end. And end it has. Whether you loathed loved the finale, at least the ride there was something to cherish. So let me take you back and recap a few "Top 5..." lists regarding my favorite show, which I will miss like a friend. Here are The Top 5 Episodes, Characters, and Unanswered Questions from LOST. This will contain major SPOILERS.

Top 5 Episodes

5. Live Together, Die Alone (Season 2, Episode 23)
The season two finale, where we're introduced to Desmond's backstory, has probably some of the best action sequences, answers, and aura of mystery that the show has ever put on display. Locke's quest to not press the button with Desmond, and Jack's and the gang being led into The Others' trap were both stories that magnified the hopelessness of all these characters and their situation.
Best Moment: Desmond shining the light up the hatch onto a broken John Locke, giving both characters the hope they need to continue.

4. Ab Aeterno (Season 6, Episode 8)
Isn't it funny that the supporting cast's love stories were much more interesting and beautiful than the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle/puke-fest? Finally, Richard's background is explored, as we are given insight into the ageless wonder's life. It turns out he's only stuck on the island because he was trying to save his wife. It's heartbreaking, but also hopeful when Hurley finally helps Richard let go of his wife.
Best Moment: Hurley speaking for Richard's dead wife to Richard, as he is finally able to let go and accept his fate.

3. Deus Ex Machina (Season 1, Episode 19)
Season one's best arc had to be that of John Locke's mission to understand his purpose on the island. As he and Boone try and open the hatch, we get some ultra-creepy visions of Boone, which brings back some nostalgia for me, as his death was untimely. It really opened up the door and promised that no character was ever really safe from death. And it only intensified the Jack vs. Locke rivalry.
Best Moment: "Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs."

2. Through the Looking Glass (Season 3, Episode 22)
Much of Season 3 was a tad below par, for me at least, but the ending of it was nothing short of excellent. With Charlie trying to complete his kamikaize mission and everyone else's vendetta against the other's coming to a head, there were many great moments in the episode. But it may have been the most hopeful we ever get to see our favorite castaways.
Best Moment: Charlie's death and his character going full-circle, from broken drug-addict to hero.

1. The Constant (Season 4, Episode 5)
Without a doubt, The Constant is the best episode of television that I could ever ask for. Without actually having too much to do with the story, The Constant does what Lost does best: create amazingly heartfelt, deep character moments. This episode is full of them, as Desmond's conciousness jumps back and forth through time and space, when all he needed was to talk to Penny to save his life. Love conquers all, indeed.
Best Moment: The entire Desmond-Penny phone call near the end.


Best Characters

5. Daniel Farraday
The bumbling psyicist often provided for great drama whenever on screen. Crazy hair, speech, and scientific mumbo-jumbo there was something inherently charming about him and his love for the fiery redhead Charlotte. He obviously had fun explaining time-travel, even if nobody had any idea what he was talking about.

4. Benjamin Linus
The creepiest, most manipulative and cold character that resided on the island, from Henry Gale to Benjamin Linus, there were so many moments that you forced you to like the leader of the mysterious others. His story, tragic, shows that everyone starts good until something bad happens to them. A common thread for many Lost characters, but his echo'd that sentiment the most.

3. James "Sawyer" Ford
Without Sawyer, how much fun would this show have been? A perfect mix of comedic relief, bad-asserery, and pathetic-ness, Sawyer's character was probably the one that grew the most throughout the show. His love for Juliet was heartwarming, and the nicknames were often times the highlight of underwhelming episodes. Sawyer is consensus fan favorite and rightfully so.

2. John Locke
Locke was the best character throughout Lost's best seasons, one and two, and brought the aura of mystery better than any other character. The way Terry O'Quinn was able to play Locke's character as a sad old man, bad ass hunter-gatherer, and even smoke monster was nothing short of remarkable. Even though his character had a sad end, he was one of the most memorable character to grace the small screen.

1. Desmond Hume
Did any other character feel more real than Desmond? The drunken Scotsman went through time for love and raced around the world for his one and only Penny. His heart-brokenness for his lost love echoes "the one that got away" better than almost any love story ever seen on TV. What will always be remembered about Desmond, besides his catchphrases, is his humanity in a extremely strange universe.

Top 5 Unanswered Questions

5. How were Ben and Widmore able to return to the Island, when they said they wouldn't be able to return?

4. What was the point of Ben/Widmore's war that took up much of Season 5? What were these rules they kept mentioning?

3. What was the point of The Temple characters that were introduced and took up so much time at the beginning of Season 6?

2. Why was Sayid with Shannon in the church in the end, instead of Nadia whom he had been spending his entire life trying to find?

1. What was the point, really, of having Jin and Sun having a baby? Wouldn't their story have been better if that plot device was never introduced?

Love is Watching Brett Favre Fail. And Sex. Lots and Lots of Sex.

Now that the massive skankbag attention whore Brett Favre has failed, Conan is off the Late Show, and I begin the hell that is marathon training, we all can revert back to bitching about stupid things like Miley Cyrus being a slut and how bad Taylor Swift's new song is. (What? Don't people bitch about those things?) Anyways, I like writing things. Funny things. This is pretty funny, what I'm about to write here. What if TV Shows did spin-offs that we're crazy alcoholic and offensive? FIND OUT MOTHAFRACKERS! Alcoholic TV-Spin Offs

How I Divorced Your Mother
Starring: Tiger Woods, his kids, Bob Saget as the narrator
Spin-Off Of: How I Met Your Mother
The Plot: An alcoholic Tiger Woods, now 260 pounds, tells the kids the story of how he met their mother and what led up to their tragic divorce. The show is much like "Entourage" except that....he's married. That doesn't stop Tiger from becoming a hero, goat, then eventually hero again when he wins his next golf tournament. Also stars John Daly as Tiger's wingman. Laugh track included because it's hilarious. Or something.
Preview: "NEXT WEEK.....TIGER FUCKS BITCHES!"


The Biggest Boozer
Starring: Mel Gibson, Mickey Rourke, Those Chicks On the Sweden Team from Beerfest that were drinking in almost nothing.
Spin-Off Of: The Biggest Loser
The Plot: Much like "Inside the Actors Studio," Gibson and Rourke sit in front of a classroom, drinking scotch, and talking about the annihilation of all minorities. Shown on NBC's "Nobody Watches This Network Now, Anyways" Tuesday Night line-up, right before Leno, there are in-depth arguments as to the destruction of the Jewish people, how to get out of DUI's, and the intricacies of a good bar fight. Rourke says brass knuckles, Gibson says knife attached to boot. By the end of each show, they won't remember they were even there! And neither will the 6 people watching!
Preview: The Season 1 Finale...


Sexter
Starring: Charlie Sheen, Jack Nicholson, Paula Abdul
Spin-Off Of: Dexter
The Plot; Sex addicts Sheen and Nicholson become obsessed with becoming the first to take sultry celebrity Paula Abdul's virginity. In-between trying to hook-up with Abdul, the two buddies learn valuable life lessons such as the power of rum, beer, cocaine, and penicillin. The show, shown on CBS' Wednesday night Drama Line-Up, also focuses on the two trying to learn how to become the best they can be at Sexting. Three thousand girls guest star as former sex partners of Sheen and Nicholson. Far fetched, right?
Preview: Who WOULDN'T center a show around this?!


Rye & Porter: Awesome Vices Unit
Starring: Colin Farrell, Enya, Liam Neeson
Spin-Off Of: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
The Plot: Three Irish Cops and the missions they encounter--off duty! They all frequent a bar called Mickey O'Dolanihan's in central Dublin--OHIO! They all drink large amounts of Rye Whiskey and Porter Brew. Neeson looks for his daughter that has been dead for ten years every episode by using a pool cue as a gun. Enya sings karaoke after 6 whiskeytini's and Colin Farrell hits on all the customer's girlfriend's while slurring something about how he's Alexander the Greatest. Bono guest stars as an interventionist who the three kill.
Preview: "I says OI ! hows boot a saquel ta S.W.A.T?!"


Flight from ParoleBoads
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Andy Dick, Gary Coleman
Spin-Off Of: Flight of the Conchords
The Plot: The shows chronicles of how three drunks attempt to escape out of the drunk tank and avoiding their third DUI conviction by fleeing to Mexico. FOX bills it as "PRISON BREAK mixed with IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA except it sucks!" Andy Dick continuously mistakes Coleman for a small child and attempts to molest him. Downey Jr. thanks god that he got sober and was cast in Iron Man. Can he lay off the booze? Is this premise really that far fetched? TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!! The three talk in New Zealand accents to blend in to the Mexican desert--or so they think.
Preview: "What ARE you talking about, William?"


Binge
Starring: Jack Bauer, Liz Lemon, Michael Scott, and John Locke
Spin-Off Of: Fringe
The Plot: The show explores TV's most famous characters--if they turned to binge drinking instead of their fictional professions! Jack Bauer gets fat and forgets how to beat up anything besides his liver! Liz Lemon becomes a martini addict and actually becomes a better writer but continuously throws up on her laptop when she's about to save her work! Michael Scott becomes a stand-up comedian and gets super famous! John Locke sits inside and feels sorry for himself all day in his Island-themed home! Barney Stinson does the same things as always: suits up, hits ass, and takes names like it ain't a THANG! Also, they all have sex with Liz Lemon and try and squeeze her into their drink. (Haha get it? Because she's named "Lemon"!)
Preview: Who drinks out of a pineapple continuously? SPONGE-BOB SQUAREPANTS!"


Hope you enjoyed my mindless diatribe! See you next timeeeeeeee!

Mike's Mildly Concussed Head's Best TV Shows of the Decade

I know these last few posts have had little to do with alcohol, but I must get said needs out of my system. Bear with me...I'll have another real-time review and holiday post up before years end. But you should all know the greatest things of the decade...so they are not lost to the past. What are the greatest TV shows of the decade and what criteria am I basing this on? Criteria is unimportant. It is the my opinion and you will follow it blindly thank you good day let's do this. Here are the 10 Best TV Shows of the 00's, As Told By Me With A Mild Concussion.

Honorable Mention: "Mad Men" -- "Mad Men," one of the best shows currently on TV, loses out on a top ten spot for one reason and one reason only: the inconsistency of it's third season, although still a good season, has not been up to par with season's one and two.

10. Freaks and Geeks
Included Because: F&G's is probably still the best depiction of high school life to be on television. Although it only lasted one season, it paved the way for future Judd Apatow to be one of the most successful comedic directors of the decade. Actors Jason Segel, Seth Rogen, James Franco, among others, all got their start right here. And what a brilliant, funny depiction it was. Anyone who was ever a "freak" or a "geek" in high school can identify with the hilariously real creations that are the shows characters.

9. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Included Because: In a painful eight years of ineptitude in the White House, an historical election and perhaps the worst national tragedy in our nation's history, Jon Stewart became the face of the younger generation's news. Finally, there's someone to call out the screaming heads at Fox News, among other news outlets, and criticize the government when it needed to be. Jon Stewart perhaps was one of the most politically influential people, especially to younger people, of the decade.

8. The Sopranos
Included Because: HBO's excellent mob drama, The Sopranos was an explosively entertaining drama. Even the world's scariest people are not exempt from psychological problems like depression and anxiety, i.e. Tony Soprano. The show, although some were disappointed with the ending, was consistently captivating throughout its run. It's characters gave stand out performances and the story's direction never faltered. Mob life has never been so dramatic on the small screen.

7. Battlestar Galactica
Included Because: BSG, which will get me openly criticized for me being a complete loser and it's spot on the list, was an excellent drama. I once thought too that it was completely only for nerds of the highest degree--until I saw it. It's action packed, thumping space drama that has rich characters and a compelling mythos. It's so much more than just nerd fodder: it's a human drama, set in space. Freaks and Geeks is in high school, The Sopranos is in the mob, and BSG is in space. Why it gets the nerd rap, I don't know, but it's undeserved since it's excellence is relatively unmatched in the sci-fi genre, or almost any drama as a whole.

6. Curb Your Enthusiasm
Included Because: Larry David's next show about nothing is almost as good, if not as good, as his baby Seinfeld. Such a simply show, played to perfection by David and his improv companions. It's the tale of a rich Jewish man living in L.A., obsessed with the most superfluous, ridiculous details of life. It's hilarious in it's subtly but also overt in that it knows what it's dealing with. It's Seinfeld, on HBO, with a different lead actor that can actually act.

5. The Office (U.S.)
Included Because: Some might argue it should be the British version in this spot and perhaps those people are right. But the American "Office" translates much better to it's American audience than the British one. And let's be honest: the American version is a much happier show. Besides it's lackluster 1st season, The Office has been consistently hilarious. It perhaps uses running jokes better than any other show, yet still manages to keep them funny. It has developed every member of Dunder Mifflin and given their own perfect persona. The Office is funny, awkward, and heartfelt. And it's proved that you CAN have the "will they or won't they" couple get together and still keep the show very, very funny.

4. Friday Night Lights
Included Because: It's one of the crimes of the decade that viewers couldn't see past the football of this show and give it a chance--since it's one of the best dramas on television. It's focus on a small, football obsessed town focuses on so much more than sport. High school, marriage, corruption, and all the elements of a good drama are there to draw the viewers in. No show will break your heart or lift it up more so than FNL, and you will be rewarded for your faith in the show while tuning in. It's a show that's hard to describe but so easy to be drawn in by. Brilliant, yet overlooked, performances give the show a mystique rarely found on TV.

3. Lost
Included Because: For all it's haters, Lost has a ridiculously obsessed fanbase, me included. Usually sci-fi doesn't capture the loyalty of a large fanbase, but this show has done so by developing it's characters and centering the show around them. The show, granted, can be confusing at times, but really only to those who do not completely invest in the show. It's preposterously addicting--like the TV edition of crack. It's one of those things that must be seen to be believed. Beautiful, enriching, and emotionally invested, Lost will be a show imitated for years to come.

2. Arrested Development
Included Because: AD was definitely the best comedic creation of the decade. Centered around a dysfunctional family, AD became an epic collection of running jokes, catchphrases, meta-humor, and preposterously hilarious characters. It's a show that has lived on long past it's end date and has inspired similar shows. AD is the best sitcom of the decade, maybe even one of the best ever, and is so glorifiably table and just plain fun to watch that it's longevity will likely last much longer than any show could ever dream to.

1. The Wire
Included Because: The Wire is an achievement unlike any other. Paint a portrait of an entire city: but not only it's police force, rather it's police, it's drug dealers, it's addicts, and it's corrupt politicians. It explores the inner workings of the entire system, not just one. It's deliberate pacing may be off putting at first--but it transforms the show into something unbelievably monumental. It's one of the best collection of acting, direction, story, and personality that television has ever seen. It's emotionally haunting and supremely confident and real. It doesn't pull any punches or turn something into a happy ending to keep the audience uplifted. It's real, it's disturbing, it's captivating, but most of all--it's one of the best televisions since forever and ever.