The 10 Steps to Happiness: Levels of Drunk

I know it's been a lackluster year so far here at the blog in 2010, but that's going to change. I've got a lot of compliments of my levels of sports fandom blog I did last year...so I thought I'd carry on that tradition. Of course, now that the blog is exclusively alcohol-related so I figured I'd take it in a different direction. What exactly are the levels of drunkenness? For some, they are difficult to gauge. But there are commonalities in the drunken states that we all occasionally find ourselves in. Here are the 10 Levels of Drunkenness.

Level 1: Tipsy
Common Traits: Giggly, Smiley-Faced, "OH YEAH I KNOW HIM!"
The Level: Tipsy, as said by J-Kwon, is what everyone in the club is getting. It's not drunk at all, really. More just an acknowledgment (or reminder) that "that's alcohol you're drinking, there." It won't get the shy kid to start singing Britney Spears on top of the bar, but it'll get him to start to loosen up a bit and maybe start talking about how the Bulls should probably fire Del Negro already. It's the perfect kind of drunk for a first date: loosened up enough to maybe make a mistake but not enough to blame it on the alcohol.
Pictured: This is like half a glass for a horse.


Level 2: "OK, I'm feeling it..."
Common Traits: Lightheaded, Braggy, "Haha, That's not what Monica told me..."
The Level: When you're feeling it, as the Black Eyed Peas would say, tonight's gonna be a good night. It's still not very high up on the scale, but it's enough to turn giggles to fits of laughter. The ugly people aren't attractive yet (still a ways away from that) but you might be planting the seeds of "Oh, he's kind of funnny...." at this point. Achieved by 1 margarita (for a man) and 2 sips of a margarita (for a girl). Not ready to dance yet but not ready to NOT dance, either. Boom.
Pictured: Ok, the conversion rate can differ....


Level 3: Over the Limit
Common Traits: Starting to Groove, "Oh Hell Yeah," "Ok, Fine, I'll go out..."
The Level: It's where, as ABBA would say, one can just become the dancing queen. No longer are you able to drive but that doesn't mean the night's over. Oh no, on the contrary. It's where one start to find their "groove thing." Finally feeling it enough to maybe dance. At the point where "Ay Bay Bay" actually sounds like a decent song. It's at this point where most people get the brilliant idea to belt out "let's get hammered baby!" Looking back on the night, you can foreshadow the regret you feel the next morning at this point.
Pictured: It's in your future...


Level 4: "Whooooo!"
Common Traits: Volume Increased, Attention Span Decreased, Seizure-Like Dance Moves (White People Only)
The Level: It's where, as T-Pain would say, guys will finally buy you a drank. Where "Whoo!"-Girls finally show their true selves. It's where your inhibition is lost and nothing else matters but having a good time for the rest of the night. Where guys finally get the courage to start hitting on woman at their equal level of attractiveness. Suddenly shots are not only encouraged, but for some reason mandatory. Where most people reach their apex of beer pong abilities. Also where stumbling begins but only once in a while. The point where most girls will start to spill all the secrets their friends just made them promise not to tell anyone. The point most guys will start lying about how much action they got from that girl to save face.
Pictured: Former MLB Superscumbag Jim Edmonds in-between striking out and overdiving for fly balls.


Level 5: Drunk
Common Traits: Dumbed-Down Arguments, Puckered Lips to Show How Cool that Person Is, Hands Raised Above Head (Girls Only) for Maximum Cool Effect
The Level: It's where, as Petey Pablo would say, one must "come on and raise up." Especially if you're from North Carolina. Congratulations, you have finally crossed into drunk! Nothing else matters but your buzz and your level of fun for the night at this point. Everyone else is now irrelevant. Besides members of the opposite sex, of course. It's where your genitalia says "You know, I wouldn't mind if you used me besides to piss once in a while..." Also the level where people begin to make absurd claims such as "Tequila? Nope, doesn't affect me at all." Or "What you drinking brah? Sex on the beach? More like period on the beach. HA!" "Whaaat?" Roasted.
Pictured: Token picture of a black person so I don't seem racist.


Level 6: "You know, Fuck You, Jesse McCartney is awesome!"
Common Traits: Slurred Speech, Dazed Look, Craving High-Fat Foods, Singing Everything that Even Resembles a Song.
The Level: This is where, as 3OH!3 would say, girls start to do the Hellen Keller (as offensive as it may be). You've decided to move on past drunk! Congratulations! Your head will hurt a little in the morning. Where all you wanna do is dance and have sex. And drink much, much more. Where most people lose control of any sort of cares at all in the world including the following obligations the next day: attend a funeral, take a final, be part of a wedding, work, church, and/or voting. It's at this point where people at this level have "deep" conversations and make friends out of complete strangers for no other reason than you are both drinking red wine on the dance floor. Wait...what?
Pictured: See? Friend's forever...


Level 7: "Is that guy staring at me? F**K YOU BUDDY!"
Common Traits: Lack of Self-Awareness, Feeling "Invincible", Ability to make Extremely Rash Decisions, Ability to Make Complete Ass of Self.
The Level: It's where, as Nelly Furtado would say, one becomes a promiscuous girl (if you're female or gay). Where are you? In out of control town, population you. Dance as white as you possibly can. Pick up lines go from good to "You're ass looks hot in those jeans, reminds me of my stepsister." The power of suggestion works well on this level. Someone thinks you can't chuck that Long Island Iced Tea? Fuck them, it's on. Think you can't jump that fire hydrant even though it's really icy out? Jokes on them, I got health insurance anyway BRAH! Fighting always seems like a good idea, especially if it's someone who can kick your ass. (Girl Equivalent: Starting to spread lies about girls they hate. It's emotionally crippling instead of a broken nose.)
Pictured: I LOVE THIS SONG STRANGER!


Level 8: Hammered
Common Traits: Falling Down, Telling People About Their Rock Collection, Creepy, Swaying Back and Forth, Screaming at Highlights to Sports as if they were Currently Happening.
The Level: It's where, as Kanye would say, "I'MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT BEYONCE DOES KARAOKE BETTER!" You have officially fallen off the wagon of civilization and entered a level where anything and everything could and might just happen. That ugly guy/girl from across the bar is now Brad Pitt/Jessica Alba. Your speech is more slurred than Lil Wayne's is sober. Everything is hilarious, brilliant, or epic. Where people do stuff they say they'd never do. Because if you don't say it, who's gonna scream "MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT DREWWWWWWW" on the karaoke mic about your ex-boyfriend?
Pictured: Everyone's got a purpose, you know.


Level 9: Blacked Out
Common Traits: Throwing Up, Grinding with a Mannequin, Yelling Profane Disgusting Thing at People That Really Don't Deserve that at all. Where the part of the brain obsessed with sex becomes your whole brain.
The Level: It's where, as Hilary Duff would say, Why Not? There's no reason not to do anything anything anymore, you won't remember it anyway, remember? You have reached a level only achievable by the Rex Grossman's of the world. You feel like you might puke, but you won't remember if you did, so keep drinking, you amateur. It's at this level where not even Nostradamus could predict what might happen to you. The next morning you will have 2 or more of the following on or near you: bruises, vomit, condom wrapper, extremely ugly person (not including yourself), unfinished food, a broken phone (yours or otherwise), a drink, pee, poo, sharpie drawing of a penis on your face, or women's underwear on your head.
Pictured: What you might wake up--sooner or later.


Level 10: Alcohol Poisoning
Common Traits: Vomiting, Hospital Visits, Doctors Scoffing "Ugh, Another one of those...," Death.
The Level: It's where, as Tupac would say, I'm dead. Unfortunately, this is not a happy level. Only bad things happen. Vomiting with blood in it, usually, is a tell-tale sign you might need to dial 911. Also, people will go from concern to thinking you are a jackass when they hear that you're in the hospital until they hear why. It's the Lindsay Lohan level that few achieve and fewer live through. But worry not, silly alcohol drinker, a simple stomach pump will put you back in action. After all: that case of Natty isn't gonna finish itself.
Pictured: Not as cute as this picture would suggest.



There you have it. A personal level of drunk chart to consult on your future adventures. But that'll be all for now. After all, Level 5 isn't gonna reach itself....

Blurry Between the F-Sharp and B-Flat

A new week, a new chance for you to catch up on my shrill writings about your favorite beverage: alcohol. I'm in a sing-songy mood, or whatever the adults are calling these days, and I feel like writing a bit about tunes. So I've decided to do just that. Obviously. Or this wouldn't be my intro, would it? I mean, what kind of writer would I be if I just rambled on and on and on about nothing in my introduction? You wouldn't even know what I am about to blog about! Anyways let's get started.

(Your Favorite Bloggers 8 Favorite Songs About Alcohol.)
(Hint: Your favorite blogger is me, not Perez Hilton. I don't even know why your head would go there. Seems kind of mean.)

8. "Who's Got the Hooch?"-Everything
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Who's got the hooch, baby? Who's got the only sweetest thing in the world?"
Why It Cracks the List: Personally, I think this song is beyond recognition, all sorts of terrible. At least...UNTIL I HEARD IT AGAIN. Now I can't get this damn thing out of my head every time it comes up on shuffle. Is it a good song? Probably not. But it won't go away. So it makes my list. FOR NOW.


7. "I Kissed a Drunk Girl"-Something Corporate
Favorite Alcy Lyrics: "Everyone there was gone, her little cousin was passed out on the lawn."
Why it Cracks the List: Because I am personally obligated to include an Andrew McMahon song in every list I ever do about music. Also, I've been listening to Something Corporate for almost a decade. This song, not even close to SoCo's best, is the only Andy song I could find that is purely about drinking. And it's not THAT bad. I mean, it's about making out with a drunk girl. We've all done that before. Even the girl(s) reading.


6. "Let's Get Fucked Up and Die"-Motion City Soundtrack
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "God damn the liquor store's closed, we were so close to scoring."
Why it Cracks the List: Kind of a downer, but still a great tune. It's like, screw it, let's get hammered and fuck the consequences. Even though the song is about the lead singer's alcoholism, I still say it encourages drinking and having a good time. And it's a really fun song. I mean, to me at least. Maybe I just see the boozy goodness in all things awesome. Who cares? It's a damn good song about getting drunk as a skunk.


5. "Drunken Lament"-Ludo
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Pour the rum in my eyes, tell me lies."
Why It Cracks the List: Another kind of downer but at least it's semi-catchy. Not a song I really expect anyone reading to like, because it's kind of like indie pop-punkish, but this is my list damnit. And I will bore you to death if I feel like it. WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! Sorry, I love you all. Anyways, this song rocks my proverbial drunken socks off.


4. "Hot Mess"-Cobra Starship
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Stumblin' but yeah, you're still lookin' hella-fine!"
Why it Cracks the List: This is the song on the list that I will (and probably should) get the most shit for. It's an insanely poppy song, with insanely ridiculous lyrics, from an insanely preposterous band. And I love every damned second of it. Criticize, make fun, do what you will, but know this is probably what I'm singing in my car when I'm on my way to pick you as the DD. (interpret DD anyway you want)


3. "Bright Future in Sales"-Fountains of Wayne
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Seven scotch and sodas at the office party, now I don't remember where I'm from."
Why it Cracks the List: Yes, this is that "Stacy's Mom"-song band. But they are oh-so-much more to me and this song pretty much describes a business alcoholic. And I think it's devilishly catchy. And so does your mom. Just kidding. She probably hasn't heard this song.


2. "The Science of Selling Yourself Short"-Less Than Jake
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "I've been spending my time at the local liquor store, and I've been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor."
Why it Cracks the List: This song has been one of my favorites for a long time. Even though it's extremely depressing when you listen to the lyrics, it never fails to make me happy. Maybe it's the inclusion of so many instruments, maybe because it makes me feel better about myself. I don't know. And I don't care. I don't ask questions when I like a song. I just listen on.


1. "Saturday Night"-Lucky Boys Confusion
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "This room is like a bottle...it's never full enough!"
Why it Cracks the List: From one of, if not my, favorite bands, "Saturday Night" is a song I think I try and listen to every Saturday Night I go out since the beginning of high school. Probably my number one "Pump-Up" song for going out, it has been part of going out routine, which basically means I listen to it when I'm pre-gaming on Saturday nights. But it wins. For so many reasons.
"Saturday Night"-LBC


Well that'll about do it. Like I said, these were MY favorite songs about alcohol. So obviously everyone and their 2-year old sister/niece/daughter is going to disagree with the list. I hope you enjoyed at least a few of the entries. I'm sure I'll be back here for more later in the week. Until next time, (insert however you say "have a good one" in Arabic since I'm too lazy to look that up)

Yes, It Started Feeling Like October and Any Time You Want Me, Annie, You Should Indeed Use Your Telescope : The October Mailbag

It's back once again. The featurette that keeps you coming back for more and more, without regard for human decency. What does that even mean? WHO CARES?! Sit back, relax, crack open an ice cold Cranberry Apple Snapple, and enjoy yet another version of what you all know and love. It's The October Mailbag. Just make sure your snapple has a lil' kick to it.

Q: So Mike, What are you going to be for Halloween? An "AA Member"? Ha! All you'd have to do is wear a nametag!
--S. Tyler, East St. Louis, IL.
A: Me and my buddy were planning on being "Len and Bob," the Cubs TV broadcasters. But now I'm thinking I may need to be the guy that kicks your ass.

Q: Can you shed some light on this whole Roman Polanski situation for me and the blog?

--j. Morneau, Minneapolis, MN.
A: I don't really want to be a downer, but I will shed a teeny bit o' light on it. See Polanski is a great director. Without him, we wouldn't have Chinatown, Rosemary's Baby, or The Pianist. But here's the scoop: he drugged up a 13 year old on champagne and Quaaludes, took naked pictures of her, and raped her. Anyone that says he doesn't deserve to rot in jail for the rest of his life is an idiot. Any Hollywood figure that supports him because he makes great movies is a douchebag and should get an "aiding and abetting" charge. Hell, I hope Polanski lives til he's 115 just so he gets the sentence he deserves.

Q: Hey drunkstuff, what would the price of beer need to be at a bar for you to just say: "You know what? I'm not drinking tonight."
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: Um...in this economy, almost any price is too much. But seriously, if I had a full wallet and was out, the highest price for a beer that I'd pay would be $5. And I'm talking for like a Guinness or 312. Not PBR. I'm not a total sucker. Although I did get a free sucker from the bank today. It was green apple. Not gonna lie, totally made my day.

Q: Say you're out for your birthday. Your buddy buys you a shot of a whiskey or something that you've always wanted to try that's like $40 a shot. Some drunk guy just comes up and takes the shot off the bar. What'd ya do?
--R. Sterling, New York City, NY.
A: First, I'd ask him "What the fuck?" Second, I'd ask him to buy the shot for me. As he would almost definitely not, I would, on behalf of my friend's generosity, order a beer to pour on said man. Then he'd hit me, I'd be knocked down. Then we both would get kicked out of the bar, but since it's my birthday, I'd just walk to a nearby bar. I mean, it's my birthday. A silly lil fight isn't going to ruin it.

Q: Who's the absolute worst and absolute best ESPN sportscaster?
--T. Roosevelt, Helena, MT.
A: The best sportscaster on ESPN, in my opinion, is Tim Kurkijan. I love that man, he could tell me lies about baseball for hours and I'd believe every single one. As for the worst, I would have to say Stuart Scott. I hate that lazy eyed man. Not because of his lazy eye, more because he is such a white-black guy that it's more see through than a wet t-shirt contest. Please, Stu. Embrace you're inner whiteness. "Boo-ya" went out of style in 1999.

Q: Is there a band out there that you would break up with someone for liking them?

--B. Mays, Heaven (or Hell).
A: Me? Probably not. But my loathtred for Nickelback and Creed is almost to the point where I would never let them drive, ever, so I'd pick the music every time. Sorry, those bands are more ear-infection-inducing than me on karaoke night. And anyone who's seen that is probably still taking their meds.

Q: What's the verdict here on drunk texting?
--W. Smith, Bel-Air, CA.
A: Drunk texting is a gloriously terrible thing. On one hand, it's so much easier than drunk dialing. On the other, it's so much easier than drunk dialing. Easy access and the lack of actual talking make it easier to say stupid things and easier to say stuff that we may think of but wouldn't actually say. There's no reason you shouldn't drunk text. It'll just let your true self out into the open. And everyone wants that. Especially potential girl/boy friends.

Q: What TV character would you most want to get drunk with?
--M.Scott, Scranton, PN.
A: All cool Mike Dolan aside, I'm going with my inner nerd here. I would totally love to get drunk with Desmond Hume from LOST. Also, I feel like I've answered this question in a previous mailbag. If I have to explain my answer, then you don't watch LOST. Desmond just straight up rocks the boat that is my life. In a totally bromantic way.

Q: What is the absolute lowest you would go for a free drink? Be honest, I don't want some evasive crap answer.
--V.Vaughn, Crappy Rom-Com Land, Hollywood.
A: I'd dance on a bar without my shirt on without fear of getting kicked out. Is that degrading enough? No? I'd dance on the bar without my shirt on while singing Miley Cyrus. Only for a top shelf cocktail though.

Q: On Monday October 5th, ESPN is attempting to break the record for most times saying "Brett Favre" on a television broadcast. Fair or foul?
--M. Forte, FantasyBustland, IL.
A: Here's what's gonna happen. Let's all pitch in and buy an hour on public access TV and just repeat "BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE ESPN SUCKS BRETT FAVRE" over and over until we break the record. Then, ESPN would have a bad publicity war, especially when I submit the video to Fox Sports. Then, I will be in the Guinness Book of World Records and preserve my legacy of spite and awesomeness. Take that, ESPN, I will beat you at being epically lame.

Q: Have you "kissed a drunk girl"? Would you tell someone "damn you look good and I'm drunk"? Have you ever "blamed it on the al-al-al-alcohol"? Are you "love drunk or hungover"? Are you "dulling the day with a drink in a parking garage by a theatre"?
--E. Brokovich, HoDunk, MS.
A: I love this question. Of course I've kissed a drunk girl, I think a better question is if I kissed a sober one. Of course I would tell someone that, especially if said person was looking mighty fine and I was drunk. Everyone's blamed in on the alcohol, Jaime, it's just one of those things I have to do to live with myself. I'm not hungover and I'm not sure what "love drunk" actually is and I haven't had anything to drink today, so neither? Oh. I will be. Soooooooooooon.

Q: So Tom Arnold and I went out for a beer last night, one thing led to another and we ended up hooking up. Does this one encounter make me gay, considering I was drunk?
--M. Moore, Pretentiousville, Washington DC.
A: Um...you aren't gay. Just desperate.

Q: How many times a week is "too much" when it comes to masturbation? For guys and girls, please.
J. Louis-Dreyfus, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Too much? Listen, nobody likes talking about this in front of the opposite sex. But let's be honest for a second: regardless of personal feelings on the subject, it's a natural thing. I think though, that if you average more than once a day, that's a problem and you should probably start spending your money on drinks for women at bars rather than subscriptions to porn. Just saying. Also, if girls think that guys don't like hearing that they masturbate, they are wrong. Also, just sayin'.

Q: Quick. I'm having a party in 10 minutes and I need an obscene drinking game that nobody's played before to get people so drunk they barely remember being here. GO!
Rev. A. Sharpton, New York City, NY.
A: OK OK OK OK OK....uhhhhh....uhhhh.....HERE I GOT IT! Set up a game of beer pong BUT fill up 4 cups with shots of something. Fill the others up with beer. Have a round robin tournament. OR you could play wine pong (aka Greek Pong), which is equally as mind blowing/erasing.

Q: Who's the one celebrity, that if they died, you would be most shaken by their death?

--W. Goldber, New York City, NY.
A: Wow. Um. I think that if Jay Cutler died, the entire city of Chicago's heads would instantaneously explode out of sheer disbelief. Like, the city would literally lose it. Tears of grown men on the way to work, women OMGing on their cell phones. But not me. Mine would be Morgan Freeman. What? Guy was in Shawshank. Shaw fucking Shank.

Q: If you could meet one person, living or dead, for just one night, but then would never come within 5 miles of him/her again for the rest of your life, who would it be?
K. Nealon, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Andrew McMahon. You ask me this question like I asked it to myself! Ha! The lead singer of Jack's Mannequin/Something Corporate is pretty much my favorite person alive. Although I would have to sacrifice seeing him live, I could never deny the opportunity to sit down with that man. Dude survive cancer and he's still making music with his eyes closed. Fucking hero right there. Ok, back to stuff more people than just me care about.

Q: Why don't more people like, listen to, and respect 3OH!3 more? Their musical talent is ridiculous.
--Chumbuwumba, London, England.
A: Because people are stupid and they just can't respect musical talent when they here it. Radiohead? Led Zepplin? The Beatles? What are people even thinking? Their talent is so lacking it makes William Hung look like a musical genius. 3OH!3 has the courage to just go balls to the wall and go for it. And guess what? They hit it on the nail every damn time.
(This answer sponsored by sarcasm.)

Q: What would be the best idea for a wedding ever? I need to know, since I'm probably getting married soon.
--T. Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: OK, this is weird. But there's this band I like called "The White Tie Affair" and I just think that's the perfect name for a wedding band. So if they played, then if everyone wore White Ties, that would be so awesome I wouldn't even know how to handle all the greatness in the room. Oh, and obviously I'm going to have an open bar, but only if the bartender talks in an Irish/Australian accent all night. Also, my first dance is going to be an acoustic version of "Jack's Mannequin- Made For Each Other." But I haven't really thought about it.

Q: What's a perfect night for you? Also, can you answer this entire question only using Jack's Mannequin lyrics?
J. Kase, Chicago, IL.
A: Ehem, if you please. "This is morning, it's when I spend the most time writing your songs by a palm tree. Hours pass, I wanna hear some music. I deconstruct my thoughts, dulling the day with a drink in my boxcar on the beach. I swim across an ocean, fill our cups and light one up. Hours pass and now there's no turning back. I drink gin and watch the news. Miss Delaney lets me drive her car so I can score an eighth from the lesbians out west in Venice. She's raising hell, I'm coming home from the mansion where i hide. I read your books, but stay out late, here til close. This night's a perfect shade of lights and buzz. I'm weak in the knees, her black designer dress in my car where it's warm. On 3rd street, I see Arizona stars, we made out until the sun came up. Fuck yeah, we can live like this."
(This answer sponsored by how awesome I am.)

Q: What's the best drunk scene in a movie this year?
--S. Seagal, Oakland, CA.
A: The easy answer would be some scene from The Hangover, but you never really seem them drunk. So I'd say the best drunk scene from a movie is when Paul Rudd projectile vomits all over that guy in "I Love You, Man." Or the drunk karaoke scene in "(500) Days Of Summer," the best movie of the year.

Q: Is there any surefire way to get rid of a hangover? I mean, I keep trying different things but nothing works.
K. Orton, Denver, CO.
A: Every hangover is different or everyone would treat hangovers the exact same. Here are the most effective ways of dealing with a hangover: marijuana, caffeine, greasy food, sleep. In that order. (What? Just because my initials are "M.F.D." doesn't mean I'm a Mother Fucking Doctor.)

FINAL QUESTIONNNNNNNNNNN
Q: Say you're out at a club. You're clearly too drunk to dance, but you're dancing, letting loose, whatever. That blonde across the room is eyeing you a little bit. So you go and ask her to dance. You two start making out. Eventually you get back to your place, start fooling around, blah blah blah. What is a proper reaction to reaching down there and "not finding what you expect", so to speak?
--T. Harding, Anchorage, AK.
A: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............whaaaaaaaaaaat? Give me a second to compose myself. Ugh, ok. Um. I would kick her out/leave and take sleeping pills or roofies, pass out, and hope I didn't remember that in the morning. Or I would tape the whole encounter and send it to your boss. Either way, it's up to you. And it's a big big big big big failllllllllure.

Hope you LOL'd enough to be satisfied with this month's mailbag. As always, I apologize if you didn't laugh or cry. Anyways, that's it. As always, I'll see you soon. Stay happy peoples and remember: if you can't laugh at my blog, read it more closely. You're missing something. It's funny as hell.
Bye Bye!

Feats of Strength: 30 Things To Do Before You Die

You see, when I write this blog thinger every so often, sometimes I stare out my window while I'm typing. I see the beautiful world out there, whether it be raining, snowing, hailing, or just plain sunny as a cucumber. I think "one day, I'm not gonna be able to see all this." There will be one day where you will look out that window for the last time. So what I'm doing for you today is to make sure that the last time you look out that window, you got a shit-eating grin on your face. You know why you have a shit-eating grin on your face? Because you've done it all. If you finish this list that is. 30 Things Every Drunk Should Do Before They Die. Obviously, they all involve alcohol.


30. Go On a Bender
Why? Maybe someone just died, maybe you just got dumped, maybe both. Maybe your life just sucks. A bender is this: drinking all day, waking up and doing it again and doing it again, etc. I'd say the minimum to be counted is 3 days. But it sure as hell will help you get over it. My bender was a full 4 days of basically living off of rum and pineapple juice. A weird combo, I know, but my justification was that it reminded me of sunnier times.

29. Dance By Yourself In Front of Everyone
Why? Some people won't dance, since they are awful. Well, look out on the dance floor. If there are 100 people, 75 are terrible dancers. I'd say 80% of people just rock back and forth anyway. But being hammered and attempting to get down like you never have in front of a large crowd? You might get boo'd. But you MIGHT get cheered. Either way, you're a winner. Because you had the confidence to do it. Confidence is hot.

28. Bartend
Why? I think this one goes without saying. Why not get paid to do what you do at home? Make drinks and talk to drunk people. 'Nuff said.

27. Get Sent to the Drunk Tank
Why? Nothing will make you regret drinking more than waking up in jail and not knowing why you're there. It's good sometimes to be reminded of the bad things that booze can do. It will make you learn your lesson. Hopefully just temporarily though.

26. Get Drunk With Your Parents
Why? They are the people that brought you into this world. Whether you hate them, love them, or whatever, it's important to remember that you could've had it worse. So sit back, mix a few cocktails and get a buzz going with mommy and daddy.

25. Get Drunk By Yourself
Why? There are these social norms that say you're an alcoholic if you drink by yourself. I say societal norms are for people who care what others think. You want to take a true, hard look at your life? Pour a few whiskey sours and look in the mirror. You may never be more honest with yourself.

24. Finish a Bottle of Liquor By Yourself
Why? The true test of a drinker is obviously their tolerance. Think you got what it takes? Finish that fifth of Captain Morgan and get back to me. (Ed.'s Note: I hate Captain Morgan)

23. Drunk Fight Someone
Why? I'm not much for fighting but I do believe everyone should at least get in one during their time on good ol' Earth. If nothing else, it'll convince you not to do it ever again. Unless you win. Which if you're reading this, is very doubtful.

22. Get Banned From a Bar
Why? Not kicked out, banned. Forever. Now I've been kicked out before, but not banned. To be banned requires an act so vile, so perverse that only the most drunk of drunk people can pull it off. Anyone ever been 86'd? I'd love to hear your story.

21. Overtip Your Bartender
Why? Once in your life, show your favorite bartender how grateful you really are for pouring your scotch and sodas. You'll never get bad service at that bar ever again.

20. Have Sex in Public
Why? Sex if fun. Unless you're my friend Tim, then it's just worth too much effort. Know the rush you get when you're doing something bad and getting away with it? Oh. Well, have sex in public (public = outside, somewhere visible) and feel the rush. Hard.

19. Drink at Work (or Go to Work Drunk)
Why? Because work sucks and this will make it feel a little better. Those TPS reports will seem comical when you're thinking about your water bottle full of vodka sitting right next to it. Make sure you have some gum and cologne though.

18. Be the Night's DJ
Why? Even if it's standing by the jukebox all night putting in quarters, there's not many better feelings than picking a song and hearing people say "OH! I love this song!" and getting up to dance. If you've got a good flow going, noone would dare pick a song til you miss.

17. Dominate a Drinking Game All Night
Why? Maybe it's quarters, beer pong, or flip cup. Who cares? Hold the title of "winner" for the whole night. Make people say "Damn, that guy is good." They might think you spend too much time in your life playing that game. I say fuck 'em. They're really just jealous they can't do it. Besides, people who are winning at drinking games tend to get more free booze.

16. Make Out In Front of EVERYONE at a Bar
Why? I'm assuming my over-age readers (and underage with Fake IDs) have probably polished this one off. But for those who haven't, do it. There really is nothing like making out with someone sloppy drunk in front of baffled onlookers and not caring. It's liberating.

15. Take Too Many Pictures
Why? Guys tend to not like to take pictures while they're out. I don't know why, I love it. I think it's more the mentality that it's a girl thing and guys (at least the ones I know) are really only out to pick up girls. Well, FUCK THAT! The memories of drunken fun usually only live on in the pictures you take. So take way too many.

14. Spend Over $100 on One Bottle
Why? It might be champagne for you and your spouse's anniversary or a present for your best friend, but one time in your life, you should know how $100 booze tastes like. Maybe it tastes like that $10 bottle of whiskey you have at home, but at least you'll have tasted it.

13. Get Drunk Somewhere You Shouldn't Be Drunk
Why? Church, Class, Your AA Meeting, wherever. Somewhere completely inappropriate. It's funner than it sounds and it'll make even the most boring leadership seminar seem at least a little interesting.

12. Buy a Member of Your Favorite Band a Drink
Why? There is little better than drunk music. Thank the men that make you rock out while getting liquored up. They deserve at least one.

11. Watch Your Favorite Movie Drunk
Why? Remember how being drunk makes everything better? Try being drunk and watching your favorite flick. Your fond memories of it will only intensify under the sauce.

10. Do a Kick-Ass Kegstand
Why? I say "kick-ass" because it obviously depends on your size and tolerance. I'd say a 15-20 seconds is OK, but not great. If you want a real goal, I'd say something really impressive would be between 45-60 seconds. You'll get mad respect.

9. Join the Century Club
Why? You can do a power hour, whoop-de-doo. So can the rest of your campus/city/slum. Try doing it for 100 minutes. Can you handle 10-11 beers in less than two hours? Now that's a real feat of strength.

8. Get Drunk Overseas (Mexico is not "Overseas")
Why? Drink up someone else's culture. Buy a bottle of wine and sit out in a cafe in Venice. Split a bottle of ouzo in Greece. Get some pitchers of Sangria in Spain. Have some sake in a Japanese karaoke bar. Take in the culture of another country by sitting out and just enjoying the view with a bottle of liquor. Customs, sightseeing, and all that is great, but just sitting and taking the city in? That's what too many travelers take for granted.

7. Drink All Night to Honor the Fallen
Why? Maybe one of your parents, friends, or extended family members has just died. Honor their memory with a bunch of shots, drinks, and stories about their past. Trust me on this, it'll help you remember the best of times you had with that person. And that truly is the testament of a lifetime: the great times you'll never forget.

6. Buy the Entire Bar a Shot
Why? Yeah, it may not be economically viable these days. So maybe go into a dive and buy the five alcoholics there a shot. Either way, feel the feeling of complete and utter joy around you. That's everyone toasting to you. Even as you sign that $150 bar tab, you'll still be smiling.

5. Make Your Pilgrimage
Why? Go drink where your ancestors boozed. Go get a St. Patrick's Day Guinness in Dublin (best moment of my life? probably) if you're Irish. German? Go sample the Oktoberfest brews. Russian? I hear the vodka is da, very good, in Moscow. Every country has their own special brand of alcohol. Drinking it in America is just not the same as enjoying it where it was meant to be enjoyed.

4. Go to Vegas for a Impromptu Weekend
Why? Get three of your friends and plan a trip on Tuesday to leave on Friday. Spend two nights drinking, gambling, and carousing all over the city. There is no better city to find adventure and fun than in Vegas. Remember: no matter what you bet on, you can bet on having a good time. (Wordplay? kind of my thing)

3. Hit on Someone So Far Out of Your League, You Might as Well Be on the Latvian Bowling Team, Second Division
Why? Rejection is part of life. There's something wrong with you if you don't ever get rejected. Not everyone clicks, it's just a part of life. Sometimes you only have 10 seconds to get someone to like you. Go over to that ten. Not a good idea to ask if she wants a drink, since it'll probably be for nothing, but getting a little sauced and going for it is never a bad idea.

2. Tell Someone How You Really Feel
Why? In love with that girl that you're only supposed to be friends with? Hate your boss? Think your girlfriends "platonic" guy friend has a secret agenda? Get drunk and call them out. There's no better feeling than getting the truth out. Because there's no worse feeling than regretting not doing something. You might hurt feelings, you might lose friends. But you might find out that others feel the exact same way. Either way, regret is too strong of a feeling to live with. So don't live with it.

1. Give and Receive an Awesome Best Man Speech (Or Maid of Honor Toast)
Why? There's rarely a bigger honor in a man's life than being someone's best man or asking someone to be your best man. I, for one, already know who my best man will be and I'm sure it will reciprocated. Giving a great best man speech is tough, but if it comes from the heart, there's no doubt that it will kill. So toast your best friend on the best day of his life and listen to him toast you on yours. It's unlikely you'll have a drunken moment that will be more meaningful.


There you go. Cross them off one by one on your way to your grave and hopefully, when you die, they can print this out and show all 30 things crossed off at your funeral. It'll be awesome. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my post on feats of strength and your hopefully future accomplishments. Until next time, adios muchachos!