St. Patrick's Day is just one of those days that gets people all riled up and such. Green beer, green clothes, green food, green everything. It's a glorious day. But do you know anything about it? I THOUGHT NOT! Well, most of you know about Christmas and Jesus, Thanksgiving and the Pilgrims, and the 4th of July and rednecks. So, I thought I'd spread the greenish words of glory onto those who have little clue what it's all about. Going Green: Facts, Fun, and the History of St. Patrick's Day.
-St. Patrick's Day was first celebrated in the 1600's in Ireland, but many Irish claim it was even before then that it was celebrated. -It's popularity is due to the fact that the Irish Catholics used St. Patrick's Day as a break during Lent, so that they could drink. It eventually became an annual tradition. -Originally, the color Blue was widely associated with the holiday. The color green was adopted to honor St. Patrick, who used the 3-leaf clovered shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to the Irish while converting them. And also...Ireland is very green, not blue. -St. Patrick's Day wasn't as widely celebrated until the Irish government began to promote in the mid-1990s to gain tourism for Ireland and spread the Irish culture, like Australians do with Cinco de Mayo. -"Erin Go Braugh" means "Ireland Forever." You should ask anyone that says what it means and if they don't know, you should slap them. In the balls. -Although 38 Million Americans claim Irish ancestry, only 135,000 were born in Ireland. -St. Patrick was actually born in Britain.
-There are 48,000 bars in America that serve green beer on St. Patrick's Day -"Slainte" is the most common Irish toast, meaning "health." -Boston has the longest running St. Patrick's Day parade in the United States, the first being in 1737. This was the first St. Patrick's Day parade in the world, ever. -The only countries that get off work for the day are Ireland, Montserrat, and the Canadian territory Newfoundland. Montserrat, a small Caribbean island, was founded by Irish refugees and the day celebrates a slave uprising in the late 1700s. -Black and Tans, Irish Coffee, and "Light" beer will all get you made fun of, if you order them in Ireland.
There is actually a legitimate reason that drinking on St. Patrick's Day became a tradition, besides all the fun. It comes from an old Irish lesson. As it's told, St. Patrick was served a glass of whiskey that was far from full. To teach the bar owner a lesson in generosity, he told the owner that there was a devil in the basement of the bar that grew stronger with every bit of dishonesty that took place inside. To get rid of the devil, the owner must change his ways. St. Patrick returned to the bar some time later, this time to find the owner overflowing customer's glasses with whiskey. He took the owner down to the basement and declared the demon gone. St. Patrick proclaimed afterwords that "everyone should have a drop of the hard stuff" on his Feast Day. This drinking of the hard stuff is known as "Patrick's Pot" or "Drowning the Shamrock," as it is custom to float a shamrock in their drink before imbibing. Sometime later, in Heaven, St. Patrick was voted the "Saint With the Best Feast Day," just ahead of St. Valentine and little-known saint, St. Flag O'Day.
That's all I have for you....have a fun, safe, and very, very green St. Patrick's Day. Oh, and drunk. Have a drunk St. Patrick's Day!
With tough times hitting everyone's wallet, it's at this time more than ever that it's important to save some cash. Well, that doesn't mean you necessarily have to give up fun. Just find more creative ways to have it! If you feel as if you still must go out (and let's be honest--if you're reading this, you probably do), I've put together a few ways you can save some cash by not having to pay for those pesky expensive drinks. Here are 6 Ways to Drink for Free.
Be Very, Very Attractive How to Prepare: Do your hair, spray on some cologne/perfume, get on the treadmill, hope you were blessed with a favorable bone structure. How It Works: The easiest and most effective way of getting free drinks is to be hot. Obviously, there's not much to it. Sit at the bar, flash a few glances, and BOOM! Drink's are freer than America on the 4th of July. Of course this works better if you're female but that doesn't mean it can't work for males. You just have to look really good and pray on the weak. It's been done for centuries, why stop now? Pictured: Billy Zane always drinks free, bitches.
Flask How to Prepare: Pour alcohol into flask, put flask in pocket, go to bar, don't be retarded. How It Works: Ever since drunk-driving became so faux pas, bars have been giving out free soft drinks (read: mixers) to designated drivers. There's no reason in this struggling economy that you shouldn't take advantage of their offer. Get your free Sprite, go to the bathroom, and pour in some vodka. That's a free $6 cocktail right there, ladies and gents. For of those of you not blessed with a flask...well, you're reading a blog about alcoholism. I'm going to assume you have a flask. Pictured: Don't get confused--this isn't science class.
Identity Theft How to Prepare: Steal Someone Else's Credit Card or Money. How It Works: Is there someone you hate? I mean, like, a lot. If so, steal their wallet, take their credit card, and put it back (you don't want them canceling it--if it's all missing they'll cancel it. If just the credit card is missing, they'll look for it for a while). Go to your favorite bar and start a tab. I recommend taking complete advantage of this situation while you can. Grey goose martini's to those two decent looking girls should automatically not only make you look like a badass, but also in a position to get some bad ass. Identity Theft is extremely effective and requires very little effort. I assume that's why it's so popular. Pictured: That's right--be the victor.
Tell People You Have Cancer How to Prepare: Wear a hat so it looks like you have no hair, get a fake hospital wristband, prepare some funny cancer jokes to show you still have a sense of humor about it. How It Works: Perhaps not the most ethical way to get free drinks, but a way nonetheless (After all, you're still reading this after I suggested identity theft). There's nothing that hits people harder than the "c" word. Cancer is deadly--and there's no way people are gonna let you pay for drinks while you've got one last night to have fun before starting chemo. Hell, you might even get some sympathy sex. The only problem may be that you can only use this once per bar, so maybe make it at a bar you may not go to for a while. And remember kiddies--the later the stage of the disease, the higher the class of the drinks. This also works with break-ups, deaths in the family, and horrific train accidents that your fiancee got in (hey, just thinking outside the box). Pictured: What? Black people do it all the time.
Become a Con-Artist How to Prepare: Look Unsuspecting, Think of a Good Ol' Fashioned Ruse, Prepare to Get Ass-Kicked. How It Works: Usually not recommended, but hell, times are tough. There are millions of ways to do it. Maybe stop a girl from drinking her drink, tell her you saw someone put something it, tell her you'll get her a new one and walk off with it. Just think of an excuse if she asks you about it later. Go around with raffle tickets and a jar and sell them to morons for $2. Like you can't get three idiots at a bar to believe you? This idea WILL piss people off, very much so. So you might need to plan on bar-hopping on a night you do this. Just so, you know, you don't die for a vodka/cranberry. Pictured: They got people to believe Bernie was dead--twice!
Buy an Auto-Tune Machine How to Prepare: Go on Iphone, Buy T-Pain Autotune Application, Tell Bar Your Band Will Play All Night for Free Drinks. How It Works: Yup, even for drinking free, there's an "App" for that! People love auto-tuned shit these days. It's horrific but who cares? Buy an auto-tune machine and pretend you have a band. Pre-record a bunch of shitty music auto-tuned with a similar beat that people can dance to. Most bars will let you play it if you only ask for free drinks. It may be a little more work than the rest but really, if you're thinking of ways to try and get free drinks, you've probably got some time on your hands. Wait--I think I just insulted myself. Pictured: Worked for him and I doubt he's got a BA.
Well, I hope I helped a little bit. You people enjoy your weekend, YA HEAR?! Until next time, aur revoir mis bonita readers.
Ladies and gentlemen, there has been an attack. An attack on all that is good and holy. I knew it would happen one day but now...a major media figure has joined the attack. And we all are in deep, deep trouble. That's right, Mitch Albom has denounced drinking before football games. Don't know Mitch? Yes you do. He wrote Tuesdays With Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Him and Oprah are buds. Whatever.
His denouncement came after this YouTube video got popular:
If you don't want to read it (and you don't), I'll give you the jist. Tailgating should be banned because people get hammered, start fights, and ruin the game for parents with their kids. Obviously, my blog loves alcohol and drinking it. How shall I deal with this man, who supposedly thinks he gets to judge people who like to drink? With scorn. Harsh, hurtful scorn.
7 Points In Drunk Tailgating's Defense
1. Football Isn't For Kids What Mitch Would Say: "How can I bring my 14 year old to church if they're serving wine up there?!? Same goes for football!" My Defense: Football is in no way for kids. It's an adult game. It's violent, there are half-naked women on the sidelines, and it's an intense atmosphere where emotions take over. Any parent that takes a kid to a pro football game is as irresponsible, if not moreso, as the people getting hammered before the game. This isn't baseball. This is an intense, quick moving game where every contest means so much more than in the NBA, NHL, and MLB.
2. Beer Inside the Stadium is Uber-Expensive What Mitch Would Say: "Detroit needs our hard-earned money! And you aren't even allowed to sell alcohol before noon on Sundays! Do these people hate Detroit?!" My Defense: Anyone that's gone to sporting event knows how ridiculously overpriced stadium food and drink is. So if I want to get there 3 hours before the game, down a twelve pack, and have a burger, that's my right. Because I paid a shitload of money for that ticket and I want the experience to be as enjoyable as possible. I want to get hammered before I leave the parking lot because there's no chance I'm buying $8 beers for 3 hours. I'm not a Saudi Prince. I can get drunk and full for $15 in the parking lot.
3. The NFL Wants Me To Tailgate What Mitch Would Say: "How could the NFL condone such drunken sinners? They let people get there up to 3 hours early! What do they think'll happen?!" My Defense: The NFL faces a problem: their tickets are expensive and watching at home is much more exciting in my beautiful HD, warm house, free food, and as many friends over as I want. Especially with office pools and fantasy football being so popular, people want as much coverage as humanly possible, something that's harder to get while sitting in the stands for 3 hours. Tailgating is half the reason people go to games. Take that away, and you'll lose so much attendance, Dolphins games will turn into Marlins games. Don't let people in the lots til 11? They'll end up sleeping in and watching it at home.
4. Fights Happen Everywhere, Should We Ban Bars, Too? What Mitch Would Say: "Fighting is dangerous! People that have been drinking since 9 am are going to be hammered and looking for fights! Can't they just enjoy the game with an ice-cold lemonade and hugs?!" My Defense: People fight sober, people fight even more drunk. Every idiot knows that. Shall we ban getting drunk? Half the reason people ever leave the house is to go out and drink. Sorry if most people aren't as creative as Mitch in their daily activities. Getting drunk is fun. Beer tastes good. And guess what? It tastes even better when you're hanging with your friends, getting excited to go watch your favorite team. People are gonna fight. People get drunk and fight everywhere, it isn't just at football games. Take away tailgating because people are getting too drunk? Please, the one thing I know about the general public is this: we will find ways to get drunk, whether you want us to or not.
5. Have You Seen the Lions Play? What Mitch Would Say: "How could anyone say that watching Calvin Johnson play wide receiver is better with beer and meat than a Sunny D and PB&J?!?!" My Defense: There are lots of bad teams. Yet, we're stuck with our tickets. How the hell else are we gonna make the game enjoyable? (I mean, besides weed) It can be painful knowing your team is about to lose, even before kickoff. So you make the best of a bad situation and get blackout drunk, yell at Matt Forte "to get his skinny white ass in the end zone for some fucking fantasy points," and maybe give that blonde your number by writing it on a beer cup and throwing it at her. Watching a shitty team sober is degrading to the human spirit, so adding a little artificial spirit is the best way to go about it.
6. I Don't Watch Football Because I'm a Moralist What Mitch Would Say: "Why, I can't even believe that the NFL allows so much violence. Can't we just play flag football like I used to do in good ol' Saginaw?!" My Defense: Listen, Mitch. I, along with the rest of the people that enjoy getting obliterated before football games, don't give two shits what you think of me or my "morally gray habits." If I was moral, I'd stay home and watch Tennis or something. Us drunken idiots that you are speaking out against love being drunken idiots. Often, we know we're being drunken idiots. And we fucking love every second of it. It's much more fun to tell Brett Favre to "Suck Some Purple Dick" after five or six 40's. We thrive on people like you telling us we're wrong--it makes us want to get drunker and be more obnoxious. I'm not going to stop being an drunk idiot because some guy who'd rather be in confession on Sunday afternoon thinks I'm the spawn of Satan because I enjoy alcohol more than church, where I'll hear some 75 year old talk like a monotone drone for an hour. If I wanted that, I start a petition to get Madden and Summerall back in the booth together.
7. It's Tradition What Mitch Would Say: "Just because it's tradition doesn't mean it's right! Tradition in Malaysia is having 8-year olds make your Nikes for 14 hours a day!" My Defense: Tradition is important to some people. Inhaling a little heart disease and liver failure every fall Sunday is tradition to some people. And who are you to take that away from them? They aren't telling you to not go to church or to stop sacrificing squirrels to the Gods of Nutville, where you certainly must be from Mitch. People LOVE this. You are trying to take away something people LOVE. For some guys, tailgating with their friends every Sunday might be the only time they get to see those guys since they're married with kids. You're killing friendship, Mitch. Go stick your moral opinions up your tight ass while I beer bong a 40 before Monday Night Football starts.
Whew. That was good to get off my chest. Excuse me, I've got to go eat delicious food and get belligerent with my mother. Because that's our Monday tradition.
Check out my YouTube channel at Dolan's YouTube Channel or you can E-Mail Me at mdolan2@gmail.com.
My other blog, a movie review website, is located at Two Thumbs Down. Come over and enjoy occasionally.
True Life: I'm a Drunk Irish Low-Level Blogger
Asian Girls Drinkin' Guinness. Doesn't Get Much More Irish than that.
Pictured: Irish Pride
