The mailbag is back and it's heating up, both outside and in the mailroom. What do I mean? Oh, I just mean that the questions are getting more controversial, but not so controversial where I have to explain myself. But let's get down to it. The June Mailbag.
Q: What do you think of the Blackhawks doing so well, about to get a championship for your poor sports city?
--A. Pujols, St. Louis, MO.
A: I'm not the biggest hockey fan, but I do appreciate what they are doing for the city. I mean, I'm not going to start a Fantasy Hockey league but I will fair-weather fan it when they are playing well for the good of the city. After all, it's strange to see a sports team I like do well, being a Cubs fan and all.
Q; With the World Cup coming up, can you give us some pointers and possibly a drinking game for the tournament?
--Kaka, Brasilia, Brazil.
A: If you don't regularly watch soccer, then just sit back and enjoy without trying to understand it. If you enjoy that, then good. Look up the rules, because I'm not explaining soccer offsides to ANYONE. Here's a great drinking game for the World Cup:
--Do a shot for every goal.
--Drink two for every yellow card.
--Drink four for every red card.
--Drink one for every foul.
--Drink two for every word the announcers say that you are not familiar with.
--Drink every time they mention that the World Cup is in Africa.
--Drink every time the English announcers overrate the England team
You should be hammered from the last two alone.
Q: Say you're me. Say you have to chance to have sex with the girl of your dreams--not a celebrity--but you had to get chlamydia. Do I do it?
--J. Beam, Mobile, AL.
A: STD's are curable these days, aren't they? I say go for it, then get yourself some penicillin. Having chlamydia makes you sound like a hooker.
Q: What country would you say has the highest quality beer altogether?
--J. Foxx, LA, CA
A: What blog do you think you're at? Normally, I would say Ireland to anything that involves me picking a favorite. Unfortunately, besides Guinness, I don't find any other Irish beers to be that amazing. The Czech Republic and Belgium are both solid bets. I don't think I've ever had a bad Belgian or Czech beer.
Q: You've come home from a long day. You're extremely tired. What would you rather do: girl on top or get head?
--C. Bradshaw, NY, NY.
A: Girl on top. Granted, getting head is ALWAYS great. But girl on top is awesome. I just feel like girl on top is alot sexier than getting head. Sex is sex is sex is awesome. How old am I? (I'm over 18, ladies, that's all you need to know)
Q: Can you disprove three theories that women's magazine's think about men? Please, do it for us all.
--G. Lazenby, London, Eng.
A: "20 Shoes Men Love" (Cosmopolitan), "7 Signs He'll Never Marry You" (Cosmopolitan), "10 Sexy Sex and the City 2 Hairstyles" (Cosmo)
"20 Shoes Men Love"--I've never looked at a woman's shoes and said "Mmm that is hot." Black heels are fine with me and I don't really NEED anything else.
"7 Signs He'll Never Marry You"--It said "If your FB profile is limited" and "If his friends are distant." Listen, some people can't tag drunken pictures because they a) have jobs, b) are friends with relatives, c) don't want to seem like a douchebag. How bout spending time getting to know him instead of creeping on FB? And maybe, just maybe, his friends just don't like you. If he loves you enough, he would. Trust me, I've known plenty of guys/girls that would marry someone that didn't get along with their friends.
"10 Sexy Hairstyles"--There's no such thing as a sexy hairstyle from Sex and the City 2, since all the women are old/ugly.
Q: Which female celebrity would win a hot body/weird face contest?
--M. Broderick, Detroit, MI.
A: Uma Thurman. She's got a weird face but I find her strangely attractive all the same. As for the loser, it has to be Sarah Jessica Parker. Her face is so bad, I'd probably have a hard time not thinking about it in the pitch black dark. Ughhhhh.
Q: What is stupider: swimming in a pool while hammered or trying to climb a tree hammered? Keep in mind, there is beer up in the tree.
--M. Gibson, Las Vegas, NV.
A: Let's be honest: both are really, really fun. Not that I reccommend it to anyone or anything. I would have to say the stupider one is also the funner one: climbing a tree while hammered and drinking in a tree. Have you ever gotten drunk in a tree house?! FUCKING EPIC.
Q: Is there a protocol for drinking while your wife is pregnant? Obviously, she can't really drink at all. Are there any rules to this situation?
--S. Strasburg, Washington, DC.
A: I'm not sure there's an exact science to it. It depends how your wife is but I would stray away from drinking anymore than one single beer or one glass of wine. These are what nights out with friends are for--although you probably won't get many. If you really want/need to, then say you have to stay an extra hour for work and go to Happy Hour. Things like that. After all, there's nothing more important to a new marriage than lying about going out drinking after work when your wife's pregnant.
Q: Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper died this week. Can you give us some of your favorite moments from them, on screen or otherwise?
--K. Reeves, ?????
A: Gary Coleman? Was that the bald guy who used to play for the 76ers? As for Dennis Hopper, well, the man was awesome at playing weird villain types. The following two clips are probably my favorite:
Q: Quick--Dispel the myth that people go to Wrigley Field only to drink and party and not to watch the Cubs play baseball.
--G. Coleman, Seattle, WA.
A: I'm a die-hard Cubs fan but nobody can dispel this myth. Most people go to Cubs games to get drunk and have a good time. There are some, like myself, who go to watch the actual baseball game. But that doesn't mean I don't love Wrigley Field. Hell, besides them getting a real scoreboard, there's nothing wrong with it. So it's old? So is my Grandma, that doesn't mean I want to get a new one.
Q: The Subject: Lindsay Lohan. The Question: How many times do you have to wrap it?
--S. Monster, Lost Island.
A: More times than a Cuban cigar. I feel like having sex with Lindsay Lohan, at this point, would be like sticking your penis in a nuclear reactor--who knows how it will come out.
Q: Lee DeWyze is from your hometown and he won American Idol. Is he now the most famous person to ever live in your town?
--P. Hilton, Blogville.
A: No, one of the Spice Girls was born next door to me. Jackass.
Q: How drunk is too drunk for BBQ parties?
--S. Soo-Choo, Cleveland, OH.
A: Depending on the rationing of beer and if you're driving (be safe kids!), it doesn't matter. The hosts want to get rid of all the stuff, especially the crappy beer that your aunt bought two cases of just for herself when she can barely finish 2 bottles. Drink and eat up, that's what the summer is for. Well, that and watching Mexicans cut lawns. It's like an art form!
Q: What would you rather do: have a beer with Obama or a boxing match against him?
--S. Sosa, Santiago, Chile.
A: Instead of asking him about the economy or health care, I'd like to ask him how his FACE is doing after I smash it! Ha-HA! I actually don't have anything against Obama really, I just think it'd be pretty badass to fight a President. Especially since I'd lose.
Q: If you could go back in time and go to one party, which party would it be and why?
--R. Gould, Chicago, IL.
A: Any single one of Hugh Hefner's Birthday parties. It really is that simple. Silly bunny, tricks are for me. What? I don't know, let's move on.
Q: Who is the most annoying/your least favorite sports anchor on ESPN?
--S. Scott, Bristol, CN.
A: God damn it all if I don't hate Chris Berman but he's not even the winner. No, it has to be either Stephen A. Smith or Skip Bayless. What the hell is the matter with those guys? IF I NEEDED TO HEAR YOU TALK LOUDER, I'D TURN MY VOLUME UP. Put them in a room and let them argue together until one of them has a brain hemorrhage.
Q: What is the appropriate amount of drinking that you can do if your boss is present at a company event/happy hour? Conversely, when is it ok to drink at work, if ever?
--F. Lapidus, West Lafeyette, IN.
A: It's appropriate to keep pace with the boss. Depending on your job/boss, you don't want to be hitting on secretaries in front of him. He's got first dibs on them anyway. If the boss leaves work, then I'd say if you got a partner in crime, go for it. Especially if that person is hot. There's nothing hotter than a hot partner in a hot crime.
Q: Which animal would be the funniest to get drunk with if it could talk? The least funny?
--S. Kitison, Hell.
A: Penguins would just be slip sliddin' around. HAhAHAHA. Just imagine it. The least funny would probably be a cat. I hate cats, they're so droll.
Q: What if you hook up with an older lady and it lasts one night. You then meet a young girl and start dating her for a while. You meet her parents and OH! that older lady you hooked up with before you guys met is her mom--and she's still married to the girls dad. What is the appropriate reaction, if any, to this situation?
--J. Chamberlain, NY, NY.
A: That is one of the more awkward situations I've ever heard of. I don't know how that situation could end well, but you HAVE to stay in this relationship until the daughter finds out. Hell, just tell her. That is TOO GOOD of a story to not have. Imagine their reactions! Family dinners = never the same!
Showing posts with label poon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poon. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
A Bon Voyage to LOST
Like all great things, LOST must end. And end it has. Whether you loathed loved the finale, at least the ride there was something to cherish. So let me take you back and recap a few "Top 5..." lists regarding my favorite show, which I will miss like a friend. Here are The Top 5 Episodes, Characters, and Unanswered Questions from LOST. This will contain major SPOILERS.
Top 5 Episodes
5. Live Together, Die Alone (Season 2, Episode 23)
The season two finale, where we're introduced to Desmond's backstory, has probably some of the best action sequences, answers, and aura of mystery that the show has ever put on display. Locke's quest to not press the button with Desmond, and Jack's and the gang being led into The Others' trap were both stories that magnified the hopelessness of all these characters and their situation.
Best Moment: Desmond shining the light up the hatch onto a broken John Locke, giving both characters the hope they need to continue.
4. Ab Aeterno (Season 6, Episode 8)
Isn't it funny that the supporting cast's love stories were much more interesting and beautiful than the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle/puke-fest? Finally, Richard's background is explored, as we are given insight into the ageless wonder's life. It turns out he's only stuck on the island because he was trying to save his wife. It's heartbreaking, but also hopeful when Hurley finally helps Richard let go of his wife.
Best Moment: Hurley speaking for Richard's dead wife to Richard, as he is finally able to let go and accept his fate.
3. Deus Ex Machina (Season 1, Episode 19)
Season one's best arc had to be that of John Locke's mission to understand his purpose on the island. As he and Boone try and open the hatch, we get some ultra-creepy visions of Boone, which brings back some nostalgia for me, as his death was untimely. It really opened up the door and promised that no character was ever really safe from death. And it only intensified the Jack vs. Locke rivalry.
Best Moment: "Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs."
2. Through the Looking Glass (Season 3, Episode 22)
Much of Season 3 was a tad below par, for me at least, but the ending of it was nothing short of excellent. With Charlie trying to complete his kamikaize mission and everyone else's vendetta against the other's coming to a head, there were many great moments in the episode. But it may have been the most hopeful we ever get to see our favorite castaways.
Best Moment: Charlie's death and his character going full-circle, from broken drug-addict to hero.
1. The Constant (Season 4, Episode 5)
Without a doubt, The Constant is the best episode of television that I could ever ask for. Without actually having too much to do with the story, The Constant does what Lost does best: create amazingly heartfelt, deep character moments. This episode is full of them, as Desmond's conciousness jumps back and forth through time and space, when all he needed was to talk to Penny to save his life. Love conquers all, indeed.
Best Moment: The entire Desmond-Penny phone call near the end.
Best Characters
5. Daniel Farraday
The bumbling psyicist often provided for great drama whenever on screen. Crazy hair, speech, and scientific mumbo-jumbo there was something inherently charming about him and his love for the fiery redhead Charlotte. He obviously had fun explaining time-travel, even if nobody had any idea what he was talking about.
4. Benjamin Linus
The creepiest, most manipulative and cold character that resided on the island, from Henry Gale to Benjamin Linus, there were so many moments that you forced you to like the leader of the mysterious others. His story, tragic, shows that everyone starts good until something bad happens to them. A common thread for many Lost characters, but his echo'd that sentiment the most.
3. James "Sawyer" Ford
Without Sawyer, how much fun would this show have been? A perfect mix of comedic relief, bad-asserery, and pathetic-ness, Sawyer's character was probably the one that grew the most throughout the show. His love for Juliet was heartwarming, and the nicknames were often times the highlight of underwhelming episodes. Sawyer is consensus fan favorite and rightfully so.
2. John Locke
Locke was the best character throughout Lost's best seasons, one and two, and brought the aura of mystery better than any other character. The way Terry O'Quinn was able to play Locke's character as a sad old man, bad ass hunter-gatherer, and even smoke monster was nothing short of remarkable. Even though his character had a sad end, he was one of the most memorable character to grace the small screen.
1. Desmond Hume
Did any other character feel more real than Desmond? The drunken Scotsman went through time for love and raced around the world for his one and only Penny. His heart-brokenness for his lost love echoes "the one that got away" better than almost any love story ever seen on TV. What will always be remembered about Desmond, besides his catchphrases, is his humanity in a extremely strange universe.
Top 5 Unanswered Questions
5. How were Ben and Widmore able to return to the Island, when they said they wouldn't be able to return?
4. What was the point of Ben/Widmore's war that took up much of Season 5? What were these rules they kept mentioning?
3. What was the point of The Temple characters that were introduced and took up so much time at the beginning of Season 6?
2. Why was Sayid with Shannon in the church in the end, instead of Nadia whom he had been spending his entire life trying to find?
1. What was the point, really, of having Jin and Sun having a baby? Wouldn't their story have been better if that plot device was never introduced?
Top 5 Episodes
5. Live Together, Die Alone (Season 2, Episode 23)
The season two finale, where we're introduced to Desmond's backstory, has probably some of the best action sequences, answers, and aura of mystery that the show has ever put on display. Locke's quest to not press the button with Desmond, and Jack's and the gang being led into The Others' trap were both stories that magnified the hopelessness of all these characters and their situation.
Best Moment: Desmond shining the light up the hatch onto a broken John Locke, giving both characters the hope they need to continue.
4. Ab Aeterno (Season 6, Episode 8)
Isn't it funny that the supporting cast's love stories were much more interesting and beautiful than the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle/puke-fest? Finally, Richard's background is explored, as we are given insight into the ageless wonder's life. It turns out he's only stuck on the island because he was trying to save his wife. It's heartbreaking, but also hopeful when Hurley finally helps Richard let go of his wife.
Best Moment: Hurley speaking for Richard's dead wife to Richard, as he is finally able to let go and accept his fate.
3. Deus Ex Machina (Season 1, Episode 19)
Season one's best arc had to be that of John Locke's mission to understand his purpose on the island. As he and Boone try and open the hatch, we get some ultra-creepy visions of Boone, which brings back some nostalgia for me, as his death was untimely. It really opened up the door and promised that no character was ever really safe from death. And it only intensified the Jack vs. Locke rivalry.
Best Moment: "Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs."
2. Through the Looking Glass (Season 3, Episode 22)
Much of Season 3 was a tad below par, for me at least, but the ending of it was nothing short of excellent. With Charlie trying to complete his kamikaize mission and everyone else's vendetta against the other's coming to a head, there were many great moments in the episode. But it may have been the most hopeful we ever get to see our favorite castaways.
Best Moment: Charlie's death and his character going full-circle, from broken drug-addict to hero.
1. The Constant (Season 4, Episode 5)
Without a doubt, The Constant is the best episode of television that I could ever ask for. Without actually having too much to do with the story, The Constant does what Lost does best: create amazingly heartfelt, deep character moments. This episode is full of them, as Desmond's conciousness jumps back and forth through time and space, when all he needed was to talk to Penny to save his life. Love conquers all, indeed.
Best Moment: The entire Desmond-Penny phone call near the end.
Best Characters
5. Daniel Farraday
The bumbling psyicist often provided for great drama whenever on screen. Crazy hair, speech, and scientific mumbo-jumbo there was something inherently charming about him and his love for the fiery redhead Charlotte. He obviously had fun explaining time-travel, even if nobody had any idea what he was talking about.
4. Benjamin Linus
The creepiest, most manipulative and cold character that resided on the island, from Henry Gale to Benjamin Linus, there were so many moments that you forced you to like the leader of the mysterious others. His story, tragic, shows that everyone starts good until something bad happens to them. A common thread for many Lost characters, but his echo'd that sentiment the most.
3. James "Sawyer" Ford
Without Sawyer, how much fun would this show have been? A perfect mix of comedic relief, bad-asserery, and pathetic-ness, Sawyer's character was probably the one that grew the most throughout the show. His love for Juliet was heartwarming, and the nicknames were often times the highlight of underwhelming episodes. Sawyer is consensus fan favorite and rightfully so.
2. John Locke
Locke was the best character throughout Lost's best seasons, one and two, and brought the aura of mystery better than any other character. The way Terry O'Quinn was able to play Locke's character as a sad old man, bad ass hunter-gatherer, and even smoke monster was nothing short of remarkable. Even though his character had a sad end, he was one of the most memorable character to grace the small screen.
1. Desmond Hume
Did any other character feel more real than Desmond? The drunken Scotsman went through time for love and raced around the world for his one and only Penny. His heart-brokenness for his lost love echoes "the one that got away" better than almost any love story ever seen on TV. What will always be remembered about Desmond, besides his catchphrases, is his humanity in a extremely strange universe.
Top 5 Unanswered Questions
5. How were Ben and Widmore able to return to the Island, when they said they wouldn't be able to return?
4. What was the point of Ben/Widmore's war that took up much of Season 5? What were these rules they kept mentioning?
3. What was the point of The Temple characters that were introduced and took up so much time at the beginning of Season 6?
2. Why was Sayid with Shannon in the church in the end, instead of Nadia whom he had been spending his entire life trying to find?
1. What was the point, really, of having Jin and Sun having a baby? Wouldn't their story have been better if that plot device was never introduced?
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Fuck the Surgeon General's Warning
Back again, friends! Today, I present you with something so shocking, so unbelievable, that you probably won't be that shocked by it. In fact, it's pretty believable. I'm not sure why I said that. But anyways, today I've procured the 5 Most Alcoholic Spirits. It's for those nights where you just wanna end up crying on your bathroom floor. Naked. Also, my girlfriend said there's too many racist jokes on here and none about white people. So I'll include a racist joke about white people having to do with all 5 liquors. Enjoy, honky!
5. Absinthe
Naughty, Right?
Proof: 140 proof (70% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Absinthe has been much discussed here at the blog. It's Americanized version is a watered down piece of crap. The Czech Republic version is as potent as booze laced with PCP. And that's what you want to be getting. I mean, everyone loves mixing hard drugs and booze, right?! Right! So get your asses to Prague and get wild!
Racist Joke About It: A white person on absinthe would be like a Toyota stuck on accelerate: SCARY and HARD TO STOP FROM GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!
4. Sierra Silver Tequila
Who Wouldn't Buy It for the Hat Alone?
Proof: 150 (75% alcohol). Because tequila isn't strong enough!
Kick In the Teeth: The good people of Mexico decided it's had enough with weak tequila and infused it with almost DOUBLE the amount of alcohol as normal tequila. Try that margarita, senor! And since tequila didn't cause enough people to make mistakes, it comes with a funny hat to make it more attractive. I mean, I'd buy it. The funny hat one or Cuervo? WHO WOULDN'T CHOOSE THE FUNNY HAT?!
Racist Joke About It: People call white sorority girls that drink alot of tequila "whores" because they are easy to sleep with and not call the next day.
3. Stroh Austrian Rum
That's Messed Up, Even For a Guy Named Edmund
Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Outsmarting Bacardi 151 by adding a teeny more alcohol and a cheaper price, those Austrians sure know how to pull one over on Cuba. If only Kennedy had known how! This high proof rum is usually not drunk straight by little girly men, but more often used in Flaming Cocktails, which you can get in Austria, SoHo, or the Redder Light District.
Racist Joke About It: Date rapists are mostly white people because they have the least game of any race. Ha!
2. Devil Spring's Vodka
Wasn't There a Show About that Last Winter?
Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: New Jersey, not content with just getting wasted, wanted to create a new kind of drunken state. They doubled the proof of most vodkas and created this cheap, horrible, horrible concoction. Not found in states that don't smell funny, Devil Spring's is a funny name for a vodka that is created in the closest thing to hell America has to offer. Besides maybe like Mississippi. I mean, at least New Jersey is popular for sucking. Mississippi just sucks.
Racist Joke About It: The white people from New Jersey are a bigger problem to the world than AIDS. Boom, Roasted Like a Cashew! (That joke was lame cause I'm white)
1. Everclear
As Potent As Their Rhymes!
Proof: 190 (95% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Anyone who's had Everclear knows that it is the Devil's Drink of Choice. It may as well be lighter fluid. In fact, I'm pretty sure it is. The most alcoholic drink known to man that isn't pure alcohol, Everclear is used by white frat boys to get freshman girls hammered and alcoholics to get drunk faster. Other than that, if you're drinking Everclear, prepare for not remembering your future regrets and waking up to fat people. Yup. Fat people, the worst thing since we beat Vietnam in World War 2
Racist Joke About It: An epileptic black person could dance better than the best white dancer. BUHUAHAHAHA! WHITE JOKES!
5. Absinthe
Naughty, Right?Proof: 140 proof (70% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Absinthe has been much discussed here at the blog. It's Americanized version is a watered down piece of crap. The Czech Republic version is as potent as booze laced with PCP. And that's what you want to be getting. I mean, everyone loves mixing hard drugs and booze, right?! Right! So get your asses to Prague and get wild!
Racist Joke About It: A white person on absinthe would be like a Toyota stuck on accelerate: SCARY and HARD TO STOP FROM GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!
4. Sierra Silver Tequila
Who Wouldn't Buy It for the Hat Alone?Proof: 150 (75% alcohol). Because tequila isn't strong enough!
Kick In the Teeth: The good people of Mexico decided it's had enough with weak tequila and infused it with almost DOUBLE the amount of alcohol as normal tequila. Try that margarita, senor! And since tequila didn't cause enough people to make mistakes, it comes with a funny hat to make it more attractive. I mean, I'd buy it. The funny hat one or Cuervo? WHO WOULDN'T CHOOSE THE FUNNY HAT?!
Racist Joke About It: People call white sorority girls that drink alot of tequila "whores" because they are easy to sleep with and not call the next day.
3. Stroh Austrian Rum
That's Messed Up, Even For a Guy Named EdmundProof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Outsmarting Bacardi 151 by adding a teeny more alcohol and a cheaper price, those Austrians sure know how to pull one over on Cuba. If only Kennedy had known how! This high proof rum is usually not drunk straight by little girly men, but more often used in Flaming Cocktails, which you can get in Austria, SoHo, or the Redder Light District.
Racist Joke About It: Date rapists are mostly white people because they have the least game of any race. Ha!
2. Devil Spring's Vodka
Wasn't There a Show About that Last Winter?Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: New Jersey, not content with just getting wasted, wanted to create a new kind of drunken state. They doubled the proof of most vodkas and created this cheap, horrible, horrible concoction. Not found in states that don't smell funny, Devil Spring's is a funny name for a vodka that is created in the closest thing to hell America has to offer. Besides maybe like Mississippi. I mean, at least New Jersey is popular for sucking. Mississippi just sucks.
Racist Joke About It: The white people from New Jersey are a bigger problem to the world than AIDS. Boom, Roasted Like a Cashew! (That joke was lame cause I'm white)
1. Everclear
As Potent As Their Rhymes!Proof: 190 (95% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Anyone who's had Everclear knows that it is the Devil's Drink of Choice. It may as well be lighter fluid. In fact, I'm pretty sure it is. The most alcoholic drink known to man that isn't pure alcohol, Everclear is used by white frat boys to get freshman girls hammered and alcoholics to get drunk faster. Other than that, if you're drinking Everclear, prepare for not remembering your future regrets and waking up to fat people. Yup. Fat people, the worst thing since we beat Vietnam in World War 2
Racist Joke About It: An epileptic black person could dance better than the best white dancer. BUHUAHAHAHA! WHITE JOKES!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Guys Just Wanna Have Rum
WHAT? God, I'm ancy. Can't you tell? My girlfriend has been on a cruise for a while and I've had no car since then and my hormones feel like a pregnant girl craving chocolate, then sex, then chocolate again. Then sex. Again. Damnit. I like girly drinks and I presume every guy does. They're frickin delicious. But I would never order one. Girls may not know why. I'm here, as always, to explain. Here is What Fruity Drinks Say About Straight Guys.
Cosmopolitan
Why He Ordered It: Feel asleep to "Sex in the City" and is jonesing for one bad.
Probable Reaction: "What's that red thing in your hand, bro?"
Cover Up Attempt: Ordering a cosmo is an experience for a man. An experience in extreme lameness, that is. He's throwing out all reservations for good taste, something no men do. That's why we drink whiskey, scotch, and tequila. A man who has enough guts to say "cosmopolitan" is a man with misguided guts. Someone who orders it might tell you "It's really just a fancy name for a vodka/cranberry!" Whatever, Samantha. If the bartender is a guy, he will snicker and not serve this guy for the rest of the night. If the bartender is female, she'll set him up on a blind date--with her gay best friend.
Pictured: Founder of the Samantha Fan Club
Appletini
Why He Ordered It: Watches alot of "Scrubs" and is trying to be ironic or something.
Probable Reaction: "When you're done, are you gonna stick that tini core up your ass?"
Cover Up Attempt: The man likes vodka, yet can't deal with it straight. Doesn't like beer or any of that other "manly" stuff. Really just wants a drink that tastes good. Too bad that means all the men are going to be looking at him. Straight ones making fun of him and gay ones wondering how big his penis is. The man's friends will ostracize him for the rest of the night, for fear of "gay by association" chants. Will likely attempt to salvage his rep by pounding whiskey the rest of the night but, as is when you wet your pants eight years ago, "people don't forget!"
Pictured: Future Molester of your son.
Tequila Sunrise
Why He Ordered It: Remembers that one time he got hammered off Cuervo and banged that hand model.
Probable Reaction: "Sunrise? You gotta wake up in the morning to get your balls waxed?"
Cover Up Attempt: Well, it is tequila. But who drinks orange juice at a bar? Females. That's who. I mean the drink is red. You must be on your period, bro! Probably will try to make up for this drink by getting more ass than you. Fucker. Go listen to that Eagles song. "Just another Tequilaaaa Sunrise." I'VE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT AND I HATE THE FUCKING EAGLES MAN! And I hate not getting ass. It's like you get to it, you get to the mambo then she's like no no. FUCK. My brain is farting. Stupid penis.
Pictured: A guy who also hates The Eagles. And they do blow.
Amaretto/Midori Sour
Why He Ordered It: Heard the girl next to him order it and has been to bar like twice in his life.
Probable Reaction: "You like it sweet, eh sugartits?"
Cover Up Attempt: Not experienced in acceptable bar etiquette, apparently he didn't know there is a such thing as a "whiskey sour." It's alright to order this drink--if you wanna walk around like a jackass. One would have to say a Midori Sour is worse because, well, it's green. And it's only ok for a guy to drink green drinks on St. Patricks Day. Or if you're in China for New Year's--more on that later, though. Hold on--I'm having a chocolate craving. AHHHH!!! Whew where was I? Oh yes. Midori Sours. They're for fags.
Pictured: i think that's a guy. If it's not....yikes.
Pina Colada
Why He Ordered It: Maybe he just heard that one song and likes getting caught in the rain.
Probable Reaction: "What's in that drink--cum and rum? No wonder you're swallowing it so fast."
Cover Up Attempt: I've never been a fan of Pina Colada's. Rum is overrated and this drink is actually the highest calorie drink of all the alcoholic drinks (source: look it up on your own on google.) Perhaps the guy was on vacation and ordered it since it's such a vacation drink. May try and make up for his mistake by ordering Corona afterwards but Corona is nearly as girly. Why don't you just drink Michelob Ultra Light? Pussy. Go get caught in the rain with some other guy's balls. (All Blog and No Sex Makes Mike a Mean Boy)
Pictured: Pucker up, madam.
Fuzzy Navel
Why He Ordered It: Had schnapps that one time and it was "a killer night, dawg."
Probable Reaction: "Your dick get schnapped off or something?"
Cover Up Attempt: I'm not sure how one could go to up to a bar and ask for this drink. This drink doesn't even taste good! But I suppose after the guy who orders this gets slapped in the balls til he pukes, he could drink straight scotch for the rest of the night, get the phone numbers of twins, and get laid in the bathroom to atone for such a hideous bar offense as ordering a fuzzy navel. Who even likes a literal fuzzy navel? NOT MEN! Nobody wants to see hair on a girl there--or anywhere besides her head for that matter! SHAVE SHAVE SHAVE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Pictured: Milk--a manly drink.
Long Island Iced Tea
Why He Ordered It: Wants to get fucked up and has no idea what to order besides this.
Probable Reaction: "What, you need to be hammered to hook up with chicks?"
Cover Up Attempt: Some may disagree and say the long island is more of a universal drink, for men and women, or a good name for a big penis that a Jewish girl made up. But I disagree (with the first part). The long island iced tea is expressly for getting girls drunk enough to get horny and make mistakes. Guys wanna get drunk, order a beer. Order whiskey. Goddamnit, don't ruin the long island iced tea. LET GIRLS HAVE IT! THE MORE OF A GIRLY DRINK WE MAKE IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL DRINK IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL BE DRUNK, THE MORE GIRLS WILL HAVE SEX! Listen to me. Please? (Ed.'s Note: Mike has lost it. This is why you don't participate in "sex challenges" with your girlfriend when she's on vacation.)
Pictured: YOU THINK THIS SHIT HAPPENS WHEN GIRLS DRINK BEER?
I hope I helped you examine the male psyche of girl drunkenness. There's not much to it really. Stray away from these ones though, ladies! They might turn over before you know it! Happy New Years! GET DRUNK AND HAVE FUN AND GET LAID I WONT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Cosmopolitan
Why He Ordered It: Feel asleep to "Sex in the City" and is jonesing for one bad.
Probable Reaction: "What's that red thing in your hand, bro?"
Cover Up Attempt: Ordering a cosmo is an experience for a man. An experience in extreme lameness, that is. He's throwing out all reservations for good taste, something no men do. That's why we drink whiskey, scotch, and tequila. A man who has enough guts to say "cosmopolitan" is a man with misguided guts. Someone who orders it might tell you "It's really just a fancy name for a vodka/cranberry!" Whatever, Samantha. If the bartender is a guy, he will snicker and not serve this guy for the rest of the night. If the bartender is female, she'll set him up on a blind date--with her gay best friend.
Pictured: Founder of the Samantha Fan Club
Appletini
Why He Ordered It: Watches alot of "Scrubs" and is trying to be ironic or something.
Probable Reaction: "When you're done, are you gonna stick that tini core up your ass?"
Cover Up Attempt: The man likes vodka, yet can't deal with it straight. Doesn't like beer or any of that other "manly" stuff. Really just wants a drink that tastes good. Too bad that means all the men are going to be looking at him. Straight ones making fun of him and gay ones wondering how big his penis is. The man's friends will ostracize him for the rest of the night, for fear of "gay by association" chants. Will likely attempt to salvage his rep by pounding whiskey the rest of the night but, as is when you wet your pants eight years ago, "people don't forget!"
Pictured: Future Molester of your son.
Tequila Sunrise
Why He Ordered It: Remembers that one time he got hammered off Cuervo and banged that hand model.
Probable Reaction: "Sunrise? You gotta wake up in the morning to get your balls waxed?"
Cover Up Attempt: Well, it is tequila. But who drinks orange juice at a bar? Females. That's who. I mean the drink is red. You must be on your period, bro! Probably will try to make up for this drink by getting more ass than you. Fucker. Go listen to that Eagles song. "Just another Tequilaaaa Sunrise." I'VE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT AND I HATE THE FUCKING EAGLES MAN! And I hate not getting ass. It's like you get to it, you get to the mambo then she's like no no. FUCK. My brain is farting. Stupid penis.
Pictured: A guy who also hates The Eagles. And they do blow.
Amaretto/Midori Sour
Why He Ordered It: Heard the girl next to him order it and has been to bar like twice in his life.
Probable Reaction: "You like it sweet, eh sugartits?"
Cover Up Attempt: Not experienced in acceptable bar etiquette, apparently he didn't know there is a such thing as a "whiskey sour." It's alright to order this drink--if you wanna walk around like a jackass. One would have to say a Midori Sour is worse because, well, it's green. And it's only ok for a guy to drink green drinks on St. Patricks Day. Or if you're in China for New Year's--more on that later, though. Hold on--I'm having a chocolate craving. AHHHH!!! Whew where was I? Oh yes. Midori Sours. They're for fags.
Pictured: i think that's a guy. If it's not....yikes.
Pina Colada
Why He Ordered It: Maybe he just heard that one song and likes getting caught in the rain.
Probable Reaction: "What's in that drink--cum and rum? No wonder you're swallowing it so fast."
Cover Up Attempt: I've never been a fan of Pina Colada's. Rum is overrated and this drink is actually the highest calorie drink of all the alcoholic drinks (source: look it up on your own on google.) Perhaps the guy was on vacation and ordered it since it's such a vacation drink. May try and make up for his mistake by ordering Corona afterwards but Corona is nearly as girly. Why don't you just drink Michelob Ultra Light? Pussy. Go get caught in the rain with some other guy's balls. (All Blog and No Sex Makes Mike a Mean Boy)
Pictured: Pucker up, madam.
Fuzzy Navel
Why He Ordered It: Had schnapps that one time and it was "a killer night, dawg."
Probable Reaction: "Your dick get schnapped off or something?"
Cover Up Attempt: I'm not sure how one could go to up to a bar and ask for this drink. This drink doesn't even taste good! But I suppose after the guy who orders this gets slapped in the balls til he pukes, he could drink straight scotch for the rest of the night, get the phone numbers of twins, and get laid in the bathroom to atone for such a hideous bar offense as ordering a fuzzy navel. Who even likes a literal fuzzy navel? NOT MEN! Nobody wants to see hair on a girl there--or anywhere besides her head for that matter! SHAVE SHAVE SHAVE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Pictured: Milk--a manly drink.
Long Island Iced Tea
Why He Ordered It: Wants to get fucked up and has no idea what to order besides this.
Probable Reaction: "What, you need to be hammered to hook up with chicks?"
Cover Up Attempt: Some may disagree and say the long island is more of a universal drink, for men and women, or a good name for a big penis that a Jewish girl made up. But I disagree (with the first part). The long island iced tea is expressly for getting girls drunk enough to get horny and make mistakes. Guys wanna get drunk, order a beer. Order whiskey. Goddamnit, don't ruin the long island iced tea. LET GIRLS HAVE IT! THE MORE OF A GIRLY DRINK WE MAKE IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL DRINK IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL BE DRUNK, THE MORE GIRLS WILL HAVE SEX! Listen to me. Please? (Ed.'s Note: Mike has lost it. This is why you don't participate in "sex challenges" with your girlfriend when she's on vacation.)
Pictured: YOU THINK THIS SHIT HAPPENS WHEN GIRLS DRINK BEER?
I hope I helped you examine the male psyche of girl drunkenness. There's not much to it really. Stray away from these ones though, ladies! They might turn over before you know it! Happy New Years! GET DRUNK AND HAVE FUN AND GET LAID I WONT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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