Drunken Landmass

What's the story morning glory?! Oh, Oasis. Anyways, I've been thinking about how drunk people are all the time and it makes me think--which continent's are the drunkest? The weakest? I didn't know! And since I don't have a job, it's been driving me CRAZY! I'm just sitting around the house, screaming at Oprah "WHAT CONTINENT DRINKS THE MOST OPRAH?! YOU MUST KNOW!" Finally, I decided to do some research instead of inanely screaming at the television, since I don't want to become a cat lady when I'm 23. Here's what I found: From Soberest to Drunkest: Ranking the Drunkenness of the Continents. ANTARCTICA NOT INCLUDED FOOLS!

(Ranked from Soberest to Drunkest. Ex= #6 is the soberest, #1 is drunkest)

6. Asia
The Drunkest People: Thai, Chinese, and Koreans.
Slackers: Saudi Arabia, Iran, India, all the Muslim countries really.
The Ranking: If Russia was included, it might be higher....but the drunk part of Russia is mostly in Europe. Asia suffers from Muslim-itis, in that many of the Muslim countries ban alcohol all together. So not even the billions in the far far East could save Asia from being in last with the nonexistence of alcohol in the Middle East. Get with the times, Muslims! Drunkenness brings you closer to Allah! Just ask all those afros that go Muslim while in jail!

5. Africa
The Drunkest People: Uganda, Nigeria, Swaziland, Burundi. (If you've heard of 2 or more of these, gold star for you!)
Slackers: Egypt, Sudan, Libya, Algeria, Niger, Somalia, Ethiopia. (If you haven't heard of at least 3 of these, you are a moron)
The Ranking: Unfortunately, like Asia, Africa has many Muslim countries in the north that ban alcohol all together. Also, most African countries are so poor their official currency is "Dirt/Leaves." The lovely people of Uganda are doing straight up WORK, with the highest percentage of alcoholism in the world. Unfortunately, African warlords make it difficult to document things like this, not to mention the market price of a 5 kilos of blow on the open market. (What? I needed to know this for my missionary work in (blindly points at map) Libya.) Africa is fucked up, too fucked up to actually be getting fucked up all the time. I have heard good things about palmwine, an African delicacy that apparently tastes like paint thinner. So....they got that. Which is nice.

4. South America
The Drunkest: Argentina, Uruguay, Venezuela, French Guyana.
Slackers: Paraguay, Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Chile, Suriname.
The Ranking: South America is a tricky continent. On one hand, they have party countries like Brazil and Argentina, but so many of the other countries are not into it. It's a damn shame, really. Perhaps that's why it's BELOW North America. (Haha...get it?) Although South America might be displeased with their spot on this list, just know that you would be #1 if it were a list for "Attractive Continents." Ay curumba! Just thinking about it has me all caliente!

3. North America
The Drunkest: United States (College kids and Irish only), Canada, Dominica, Haiti, Bahamas. (Starts to make Haiti joke but remembers it happened less than a week ago and restrains self...) Hey, maybe Haiti is being (STOP!). Nevermind.
Slackers: Guatemala, Cuba, Honduras, Mexico. (Insert joke about Mexicans being in the "Slackers" category. Somethings just work themselves out.)
The Ranking: Remember when you forgot Haiti was a country until last week? Well, now alcoholism will go way up there! Also, college students and Canadians have piggybacked North America up to #3 for their impressive beer drinking performances. Unfortunately, if it were "Attractive Continents" we'd be last. But that's neither here nor there! We are the land of Jack Daniels and the home of Keystone! We can't make good beer here...but at least we can drink it! Take THAT Zimbabwe! HA!

2. Oceania
The Drunkest: Australia, New Zealand, Marshall Islands.
Slackers: Papua New Guinea, Fiji, Tonga, French Polynesia.
The Ranking: It's really all Australia and New Zealand here. There, they sure can bring it. The Aussies and the Kiwi's can certainly down their fruit salads! And Fosters! Ain't that Australian for whiskey? Hey, I mean, you had Steve Irwin. Lord of the Rings. The Olympics. That Opera House. Flight of the Conchords. Ummm....the flight that crashes in LOST takes off from there. (Anybody know anything else from these countries?) HEY! How bout those Lord of the Rings movies?! Wait...Damnit, I already said that. Uhhhhh....(dances).

1. Europe
The Drunkest: Spain, Portugal, England, Ireland, Germany, Holland, Austria, Crotia, Czech Republic, Moldova, France, Luxembourg, Hungary, Slovakia, Lithuania, Russia, Latvia, Estonia, Switzerland, Finland, Denmark, Greece.
Slackers: Turkey, Sweden, Norway.
The Ranking: Europe is one big party! Beer in the morning noon and night! Wine for lunch, Sangria for breakfast! Ouzo all night and promiscuous sex for money all day! When it all comes down to it though, Europe has earned their place at the top. Look at all those alcoholic countries. We should all stand up and give a great big round of applause for the Europeans and their lack of respect for their livers. Except to the French. We should punch them. In the balls. IT WAS A HANDBALL NO I WILL NOT GET OVER IT! CHOKE ON YOUR BORDEAUX FRENCHIE!

Well, there you have it. It's nice to get that information out of the way and into the open. Aren't you glad that you know all this now? I thought you would be. That's why I wrote it...for you. But, much like before sex, I have no time to wrap this up. So I'll catch you all when I catch you: on the flip side, yo!

The Drunk Awards of the Aughts (Or Whatever We're Calling this Decade)

Every decade needs a "Best of..." and of course, here at the blog, I had to make some sort of list to commemorate the ending of the decade. It's been an eventful one. Most are, but I feel like more happened than, say, in the 1860s. Seriously, name one thing that happened that decade. Anyways, let's get on with it. These are the Drunk Awards of the Last Decade

Best Drinking Movie

Nominees:

Beerfest

The Hangover

Bad Santa

Old School

Winner: Unfortunately, none of these movies are all that spectacular. But, since there has to be a winner, let's give it to Bad Santa since it's Christmas season and I'm feeling all cheery-like.

Most Ridiculous Celebrity DUI

Mel Gibson (2006)

Tony LaRussa (2006)

Lindsay Lohan (Pick 'Em)

Cedric Benson (2007)

Winner: Well, who can be the winner here? Gibson called a woman cop "Sugartits" while insults Jewish people, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa feel asleep in the middle of an intersection, Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan....but Cedric Benson gets the trophy for getting a DUI while driving a boat.

Worst Drinking Trend

Red Bull/Vodka

Sweet Tea Vodka

No Smoking in Bars

Me Dislocating My Knee

Winner: Red Bull/Vodka was on my shit list til I tried it, Sweet Tea Vodka isn't really a trend, rather just shitty booze, and me dislocating my knee is pretty bad but it also gets me alot of attention. No Smoking in Bars is an unfortunate development. I mean, I quit but still...where's my secondhand smoke brah?

Best Drinking Trend

Sorority Girls Reading My Blog

Winner: Yeah that's right. They're probably reading right now in between round 5 and 6 of their pillow fight.

Most Ridiculous Drunk Claims

Ron Artest claiming he Drank During NBA Games

Titans Running Back LenDale White claiming he lost weight drinking only tequila

Girls when they say"I Never Do This..."

Anything Tiger or His Wife Say About his Recent Scandal

Winner: Oh, Girls...Like we really believe you.

Best "Rehab" Television Show

Intervention

That Dr. Drew One

Intervention w/ Kristin Chenoweth

Winnter: All of these STINK besides Kristin.

Stupidest Song That Drunk People Love

Soulja Boy Tell 'Em- Crank Dat

Baha Men- Who Let the Dogs Out?

Hurricane Chris- Ay Bay Bay

Bloodhound Gang- Bad Touch (Discovery Channel)

Gomez- Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot (Mike Dolan in the Face)

Winner: Unfortunately, winner is more of an ironic term here. Or not, but nobody wins. The worst song, however, is Ay Bay Bay, forever and always.

Prettiest Place I Drank

Dublin, Ireland

Santorini, Greece

Cozumel, Mexico

Bloomington, Illinois

Winner: There's little prettier than drinking with my girlfriend in BLOOMington but let's be realistic. Santorini is one of the prettiest places on Earth. It's so pretty you just want to take it out for a nice dinner and be respectful all night, without even thinking of trying for sex until the 3rd or 4th date.

Ugliest Place I Drank

Kirksville, Missouri

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

(A Certain District Of...) Amsterdam, The Netherlands

St. Louis, Missouri

Winner: In a battle of shitstorms, no sane human being can deny Milwaukee, Wisconsinas the biggest load of crap in the Midwest besides Detroit.

Best Fictional Bars

The Winchester (Shaun of the Dead)

McClarren's (How I Met Your Mother)

Paddy's Pub (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Kavanaugh's (The Wire)

Winner: Oh please. Paddy's, McClaren's, and Kavanaugh's are all great, but The Winchester is the only bar sexy enough to survive a zombie romantic comedy.

Anti-Alcoholic of the Decade

Jonas Brothers

Miley Cyrus

The New Pope, I Forget His Name

I Don't Know, Aren't There Countries That Outlaw Alcohol? Those, then.

Winner: Miley Cyrus is the winner because she's 17 and richer than me and everyone who's ever come near this blog's lifetime net wealth.

Alcoholic of the Decade

Mel Gibson

Lindsay Lohan

Britney Spears

Paula Abdul

David Hasselhoff

Winner: Although some would argue that David Hasselhoff has "earned" the win here, there can be no denying that Lindsay Lohan has truly captured the true essence of the American problem child. Some (Jillie and her friends, probably) would argue that Britney deserves the award for her comeback and all that. BUT NO. Lindsay was at least a mildly sane and semi-functional alcoholic. Britney went off the rocker like a glorified cat lady. Except her kids and K-Fed ending up being the cats.

The "Mike Dolan Award" for Invincibility, Awesomeness, and Fulfilling Every One of Your Sexual Desires

Jesus

Mike Dolan

Everyone Who Reads This

Ha! Just Kidding, It's Just Between Me and Jesus.

Winner: Really, we're all winners here. Mike Dolan wins since Jesus was against sex before marriage, was never married, thus never had sex and fulfilled nobody's sexual desires ha ha ha I beat your Lord and Savior.

Whoa, I think I'll also win a first class ticket to hell.

Those are the drunk awards of the decade. Recognize, there'll be more "Best of the decade lists" in your future fo sho.