What's the story morning glory?! Oh, Oasis. Anyways, I've been thinking about how drunk people are all the time and it makes me think--which continent's are the drunkest? The weakest? I didn't know! And since I don't have a job, it's been driving me CRAZY! I'm just sitting around the house, screaming at Oprah "WHAT CONTINENT DRINKS THE MOST OPRAH?! YOU MUST KNOW!" Finally, I decided to do some research instead of inanely screaming at the television, since I don't want to become a cat lady when I'm 23. Here's what I found: From Soberest to Drunkest: Ranking the Drunkenness of the Continents. ANTARCTICA NOT INCLUDED FOOLS!
(Ranked from Soberest to Drunkest. Ex= #6 is the soberest, #1 is drunkest)
6. Asia
The Drunkest People: Thai, Chinese, and Koreans.
Slackers: Saudi Arabia, Iran, India, all the Muslim countries really.
The Ranking: If Russia was included, it might be higher....but the drunk part of Russia is mostly in Europe. Asia suffers from Muslim-itis, in that many of the Muslim countries ban alcohol all together. So not even the billions in the far far East could save Asia from being in last with the nonexistence of alcohol in the Middle East. Get with the times, Muslims! Drunkenness brings you closer to Allah! Just ask all those afros that go Muslim while in jail!
5. Africa
The Drunkest People: Uganda, Nigeria, Swaziland, Burundi. (If you've heard of 2 or more of these, gold star for you!)
Slackers: Egypt, Sudan, Libya, Algeria, Niger, Somalia, Ethiopia. (If you haven't heard of at least 3 of these, you are a moron)
The Ranking: Unfortunately, like Asia, Africa has many Muslim countries in the north that ban alcohol all together. Also, most African countries are so poor their official currency is "Dirt/Leaves." The lovely people of Uganda are doing straight up WORK, with the highest percentage of alcoholism in the world. Unfortunately, African warlords make it difficult to document things like this, not to mention the market price of a 5 kilos of blow on the open market. (What? I needed to know this for my missionary work in (blindly points at map) Libya.) Africa is fucked up, too fucked up to actually be getting fucked up all the time. I have heard good things about palmwine, an African delicacy that apparently tastes like paint thinner. So....they got that. Which is nice.
4. South America
The Drunkest: Argentina, Uruguay, Venezuela, French Guyana.
Slackers: Paraguay, Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Chile, Suriname.
The Ranking: South America is a tricky continent. On one hand, they have party countries like Brazil and Argentina, but so many of the other countries are not into it. It's a damn shame, really. Perhaps that's why it's BELOW North America. (Haha...get it?) Although South America might be displeased with their spot on this list, just know that you would be #1 if it were a list for "Attractive Continents." Ay curumba! Just thinking about it has me all caliente!
3. North America
The Drunkest: United States (College kids and Irish only), Canada, Dominica, Haiti, Bahamas. (Starts to make Haiti joke but remembers it happened less than a week ago and restrains self...) Hey, maybe Haiti is being (STOP!). Nevermind.
Slackers: Guatemala, Cuba, Honduras, Mexico. (Insert joke about Mexicans being in the "Slackers" category. Somethings just work themselves out.)
The Ranking: Remember when you forgot Haiti was a country until last week? Well, now alcoholism will go way up there! Also, college students and Canadians have piggybacked North America up to #3 for their impressive beer drinking performances. Unfortunately, if it were "Attractive Continents" we'd be last. But that's neither here nor there! We are the land of Jack Daniels and the home of Keystone! We can't make good beer here...but at least we can drink it! Take THAT Zimbabwe! HA!
2. Oceania
The Drunkest: Australia, New Zealand, Marshall Islands.
Slackers: Papua New Guinea, Fiji, Tonga, French Polynesia.
The Ranking: It's really all Australia and New Zealand here. There, they sure can bring it. The Aussies and the Kiwi's can certainly down their fruit salads! And Fosters! Ain't that Australian for whiskey? Hey, I mean, you had Steve Irwin. Lord of the Rings. The Olympics. That Opera House. Flight of the Conchords. Ummm....the flight that crashes in LOST takes off from there. (Anybody know anything else from these countries?) HEY! How bout those Lord of the Rings movies?! Wait...Damnit, I already said that. Uhhhhh....(dances).
1. Europe
The Drunkest: Spain, Portugal, England, Ireland, Germany, Holland, Austria, Crotia, Czech Republic, Moldova, France, Luxembourg, Hungary, Slovakia, Lithuania, Russia, Latvia, Estonia, Switzerland, Finland, Denmark, Greece.
Slackers: Turkey, Sweden, Norway.
The Ranking: Europe is one big party! Beer in the morning noon and night! Wine for lunch, Sangria for breakfast! Ouzo all night and promiscuous sex for money all day! When it all comes down to it though, Europe has earned their place at the top. Look at all those alcoholic countries. We should all stand up and give a great big round of applause for the Europeans and their lack of respect for their livers. Except to the French. We should punch them. In the balls. IT WAS A HANDBALL NO I WILL NOT GET OVER IT! CHOKE ON YOUR BORDEAUX FRENCHIE!
Well, there you have it. It's nice to get that information out of the way and into the open. Aren't you glad that you know all this now? I thought you would be. That's why I wrote it...for you. But, much like before sex, I have no time to wrap this up. So I'll catch you all when I catch you: on the flip side, yo!
Showing posts with label feats of strength. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feats of strength. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Feats of Strength: 30 Things To Do Before You Die
You see, when I write this blog thinger every so often, sometimes I stare out my window while I'm typing. I see the beautiful world out there, whether it be raining, snowing, hailing, or just plain sunny as a cucumber. I think "one day, I'm not gonna be able to see all this." There will be one day where you will look out that window for the last time. So what I'm doing for you today is to make sure that the last time you look out that window, you got a shit-eating grin on your face. You know why you have a shit-eating grin on your face? Because you've done it all. If you finish this list that is. 30 Things Every Drunk Should Do Before They Die. Obviously, they all involve alcohol.
30. Go On a Bender
Why? Maybe someone just died, maybe you just got dumped, maybe both. Maybe your life just sucks. A bender is this: drinking all day, waking up and doing it again and doing it again, etc. I'd say the minimum to be counted is 3 days. But it sure as hell will help you get over it. My bender was a full 4 days of basically living off of rum and pineapple juice. A weird combo, I know, but my justification was that it reminded me of sunnier times.
29. Dance By Yourself In Front of Everyone
Why? Some people won't dance, since they are awful. Well, look out on the dance floor. If there are 100 people, 75 are terrible dancers. I'd say 80% of people just rock back and forth anyway. But being hammered and attempting to get down like you never have in front of a large crowd? You might get boo'd. But you MIGHT get cheered. Either way, you're a winner. Because you had the confidence to do it. Confidence is hot.
28. Bartend
Why? I think this one goes without saying. Why not get paid to do what you do at home? Make drinks and talk to drunk people. 'Nuff said.
27. Get Sent to the Drunk Tank
Why? Nothing will make you regret drinking more than waking up in jail and not knowing why you're there. It's good sometimes to be reminded of the bad things that booze can do. It will make you learn your lesson. Hopefully just temporarily though.
26. Get Drunk With Your Parents
Why? They are the people that brought you into this world. Whether you hate them, love them, or whatever, it's important to remember that you could've had it worse. So sit back, mix a few cocktails and get a buzz going with mommy and daddy.
25. Get Drunk By Yourself
Why? There are these social norms that say you're an alcoholic if you drink by yourself. I say societal norms are for people who care what others think. You want to take a true, hard look at your life? Pour a few whiskey sours and look in the mirror. You may never be more honest with yourself.
24. Finish a Bottle of Liquor By Yourself
Why? The true test of a drinker is obviously their tolerance. Think you got what it takes? Finish that fifth of Captain Morgan and get back to me. (Ed.'s Note: I hate Captain Morgan)
23. Drunk Fight Someone
Why? I'm not much for fighting but I do believe everyone should at least get in one during their time on good ol' Earth. If nothing else, it'll convince you not to do it ever again. Unless you win. Which if you're reading this, is very doubtful.
22. Get Banned From a Bar
Why? Not kicked out, banned. Forever. Now I've been kicked out before, but not banned. To be banned requires an act so vile, so perverse that only the most drunk of drunk people can pull it off. Anyone ever been 86'd? I'd love to hear your story.
21. Overtip Your Bartender
Why? Once in your life, show your favorite bartender how grateful you really are for pouring your scotch and sodas. You'll never get bad service at that bar ever again.
20. Have Sex in Public
Why? Sex if fun. Unless you're my friend Tim, then it's just worth too much effort. Know the rush you get when you're doing something bad and getting away with it? Oh. Well, have sex in public (public = outside, somewhere visible) and feel the rush. Hard.
19. Drink at Work (or Go to Work Drunk)
Why? Because work sucks and this will make it feel a little better. Those TPS reports will seem comical when you're thinking about your water bottle full of vodka sitting right next to it. Make sure you have some gum and cologne though.
18. Be the Night's DJ
Why? Even if it's standing by the jukebox all night putting in quarters, there's not many better feelings than picking a song and hearing people say "OH! I love this song!" and getting up to dance. If you've got a good flow going, noone would dare pick a song til you miss.
17. Dominate a Drinking Game All Night
Why? Maybe it's quarters, beer pong, or flip cup. Who cares? Hold the title of "winner" for the whole night. Make people say "Damn, that guy is good." They might think you spend too much time in your life playing that game. I say fuck 'em. They're really just jealous they can't do it. Besides, people who are winning at drinking games tend to get more free booze.
16. Make Out In Front of EVERYONE at a Bar
Why? I'm assuming my over-age readers (and underage with Fake IDs) have probably polished this one off. But for those who haven't, do it. There really is nothing like making out with someone sloppy drunk in front of baffled onlookers and not caring. It's liberating.
15. Take Too Many Pictures
Why? Guys tend to not like to take pictures while they're out. I don't know why, I love it. I think it's more the mentality that it's a girl thing and guys (at least the ones I know) are really only out to pick up girls. Well, FUCK THAT! The memories of drunken fun usually only live on in the pictures you take. So take way too many.
14. Spend Over $100 on One Bottle
Why? It might be champagne for you and your spouse's anniversary or a present for your best friend, but one time in your life, you should know how $100 booze tastes like. Maybe it tastes like that $10 bottle of whiskey you have at home, but at least you'll have tasted it.
13. Get Drunk Somewhere You Shouldn't Be Drunk
Why? Church, Class, Your AA Meeting, wherever. Somewhere completely inappropriate. It's funner than it sounds and it'll make even the most boring leadership seminar seem at least a little interesting.
12. Buy a Member of Your Favorite Band a Drink
Why? There is little better than drunk music. Thank the men that make you rock out while getting liquored up. They deserve at least one.
11. Watch Your Favorite Movie Drunk
Why? Remember how being drunk makes everything better? Try being drunk and watching your favorite flick. Your fond memories of it will only intensify under the sauce.
10. Do a Kick-Ass Kegstand
Why? I say "kick-ass" because it obviously depends on your size and tolerance. I'd say a 15-20 seconds is OK, but not great. If you want a real goal, I'd say something really impressive would be between 45-60 seconds. You'll get mad respect.
9. Join the Century Club
Why? You can do a power hour, whoop-de-doo. So can the rest of your campus/city/slum. Try doing it for 100 minutes. Can you handle 10-11 beers in less than two hours? Now that's a real feat of strength.
8. Get Drunk Overseas (Mexico is not "Overseas")
Why? Drink up someone else's culture. Buy a bottle of wine and sit out in a cafe in Venice. Split a bottle of ouzo in Greece. Get some pitchers of Sangria in Spain. Have some sake in a Japanese karaoke bar. Take in the culture of another country by sitting out and just enjoying the view with a bottle of liquor. Customs, sightseeing, and all that is great, but just sitting and taking the city in? That's what too many travelers take for granted.
7. Drink All Night to Honor the Fallen
Why? Maybe one of your parents, friends, or extended family members has just died. Honor their memory with a bunch of shots, drinks, and stories about their past. Trust me on this, it'll help you remember the best of times you had with that person. And that truly is the testament of a lifetime: the great times you'll never forget.
6. Buy the Entire Bar a Shot
Why? Yeah, it may not be economically viable these days. So maybe go into a dive and buy the five alcoholics there a shot. Either way, feel the feeling of complete and utter joy around you. That's everyone toasting to you. Even as you sign that $150 bar tab, you'll still be smiling.
5. Make Your Pilgrimage
Why? Go drink where your ancestors boozed. Go get a St. Patrick's Day Guinness in Dublin (best moment of my life? probably) if you're Irish. German? Go sample the Oktoberfest brews. Russian? I hear the vodka is da, very good, in Moscow. Every country has their own special brand of alcohol. Drinking it in America is just not the same as enjoying it where it was meant to be enjoyed.
4. Go to Vegas for a Impromptu Weekend
Why? Get three of your friends and plan a trip on Tuesday to leave on Friday. Spend two nights drinking, gambling, and carousing all over the city. There is no better city to find adventure and fun than in Vegas. Remember: no matter what you bet on, you can bet on having a good time. (Wordplay? kind of my thing)
3. Hit on Someone So Far Out of Your League, You Might as Well Be on the Latvian Bowling Team, Second Division
Why? Rejection is part of life. There's something wrong with you if you don't ever get rejected. Not everyone clicks, it's just a part of life. Sometimes you only have 10 seconds to get someone to like you. Go over to that ten. Not a good idea to ask if she wants a drink, since it'll probably be for nothing, but getting a little sauced and going for it is never a bad idea.
2. Tell Someone How You Really Feel
Why? In love with that girl that you're only supposed to be friends with? Hate your boss? Think your girlfriends "platonic" guy friend has a secret agenda? Get drunk and call them out. There's no better feeling than getting the truth out. Because there's no worse feeling than regretting not doing something. You might hurt feelings, you might lose friends. But you might find out that others feel the exact same way. Either way, regret is too strong of a feeling to live with. So don't live with it.
1. Give and Receive an Awesome Best Man Speech (Or Maid of Honor Toast)
Why? There's rarely a bigger honor in a man's life than being someone's best man or asking someone to be your best man. I, for one, already know who my best man will be and I'm sure it will reciprocated. Giving a great best man speech is tough, but if it comes from the heart, there's no doubt that it will kill. So toast your best friend on the best day of his life and listen to him toast you on yours. It's unlikely you'll have a drunken moment that will be more meaningful.
There you go. Cross them off one by one on your way to your grave and hopefully, when you die, they can print this out and show all 30 things crossed off at your funeral. It'll be awesome. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my post on feats of strength and your hopefully future accomplishments. Until next time, adios muchachos!
30. Go On a Bender
Why? Maybe someone just died, maybe you just got dumped, maybe both. Maybe your life just sucks. A bender is this: drinking all day, waking up and doing it again and doing it again, etc. I'd say the minimum to be counted is 3 days. But it sure as hell will help you get over it. My bender was a full 4 days of basically living off of rum and pineapple juice. A weird combo, I know, but my justification was that it reminded me of sunnier times.
29. Dance By Yourself In Front of Everyone
Why? Some people won't dance, since they are awful. Well, look out on the dance floor. If there are 100 people, 75 are terrible dancers. I'd say 80% of people just rock back and forth anyway. But being hammered and attempting to get down like you never have in front of a large crowd? You might get boo'd. But you MIGHT get cheered. Either way, you're a winner. Because you had the confidence to do it. Confidence is hot.
28. Bartend
Why? I think this one goes without saying. Why not get paid to do what you do at home? Make drinks and talk to drunk people. 'Nuff said.
27. Get Sent to the Drunk Tank
Why? Nothing will make you regret drinking more than waking up in jail and not knowing why you're there. It's good sometimes to be reminded of the bad things that booze can do. It will make you learn your lesson. Hopefully just temporarily though.
26. Get Drunk With Your Parents
Why? They are the people that brought you into this world. Whether you hate them, love them, or whatever, it's important to remember that you could've had it worse. So sit back, mix a few cocktails and get a buzz going with mommy and daddy.
25. Get Drunk By Yourself
Why? There are these social norms that say you're an alcoholic if you drink by yourself. I say societal norms are for people who care what others think. You want to take a true, hard look at your life? Pour a few whiskey sours and look in the mirror. You may never be more honest with yourself.
24. Finish a Bottle of Liquor By Yourself
Why? The true test of a drinker is obviously their tolerance. Think you got what it takes? Finish that fifth of Captain Morgan and get back to me. (Ed.'s Note: I hate Captain Morgan)
23. Drunk Fight Someone
Why? I'm not much for fighting but I do believe everyone should at least get in one during their time on good ol' Earth. If nothing else, it'll convince you not to do it ever again. Unless you win. Which if you're reading this, is very doubtful.
22. Get Banned From a Bar
Why? Not kicked out, banned. Forever. Now I've been kicked out before, but not banned. To be banned requires an act so vile, so perverse that only the most drunk of drunk people can pull it off. Anyone ever been 86'd? I'd love to hear your story.
21. Overtip Your Bartender
Why? Once in your life, show your favorite bartender how grateful you really are for pouring your scotch and sodas. You'll never get bad service at that bar ever again.
20. Have Sex in Public
Why? Sex if fun. Unless you're my friend Tim, then it's just worth too much effort. Know the rush you get when you're doing something bad and getting away with it? Oh. Well, have sex in public (public = outside, somewhere visible) and feel the rush. Hard.
19. Drink at Work (or Go to Work Drunk)
Why? Because work sucks and this will make it feel a little better. Those TPS reports will seem comical when you're thinking about your water bottle full of vodka sitting right next to it. Make sure you have some gum and cologne though.
18. Be the Night's DJ
Why? Even if it's standing by the jukebox all night putting in quarters, there's not many better feelings than picking a song and hearing people say "OH! I love this song!" and getting up to dance. If you've got a good flow going, noone would dare pick a song til you miss.
17. Dominate a Drinking Game All Night
Why? Maybe it's quarters, beer pong, or flip cup. Who cares? Hold the title of "winner" for the whole night. Make people say "Damn, that guy is good." They might think you spend too much time in your life playing that game. I say fuck 'em. They're really just jealous they can't do it. Besides, people who are winning at drinking games tend to get more free booze.
16. Make Out In Front of EVERYONE at a Bar
Why? I'm assuming my over-age readers (and underage with Fake IDs) have probably polished this one off. But for those who haven't, do it. There really is nothing like making out with someone sloppy drunk in front of baffled onlookers and not caring. It's liberating.
15. Take Too Many Pictures
Why? Guys tend to not like to take pictures while they're out. I don't know why, I love it. I think it's more the mentality that it's a girl thing and guys (at least the ones I know) are really only out to pick up girls. Well, FUCK THAT! The memories of drunken fun usually only live on in the pictures you take. So take way too many.
14. Spend Over $100 on One Bottle
Why? It might be champagne for you and your spouse's anniversary or a present for your best friend, but one time in your life, you should know how $100 booze tastes like. Maybe it tastes like that $10 bottle of whiskey you have at home, but at least you'll have tasted it.
13. Get Drunk Somewhere You Shouldn't Be Drunk
Why? Church, Class, Your AA Meeting, wherever. Somewhere completely inappropriate. It's funner than it sounds and it'll make even the most boring leadership seminar seem at least a little interesting.
12. Buy a Member of Your Favorite Band a Drink
Why? There is little better than drunk music. Thank the men that make you rock out while getting liquored up. They deserve at least one.
11. Watch Your Favorite Movie Drunk
Why? Remember how being drunk makes everything better? Try being drunk and watching your favorite flick. Your fond memories of it will only intensify under the sauce.
10. Do a Kick-Ass Kegstand
Why? I say "kick-ass" because it obviously depends on your size and tolerance. I'd say a 15-20 seconds is OK, but not great. If you want a real goal, I'd say something really impressive would be between 45-60 seconds. You'll get mad respect.
9. Join the Century Club
Why? You can do a power hour, whoop-de-doo. So can the rest of your campus/city/slum. Try doing it for 100 minutes. Can you handle 10-11 beers in less than two hours? Now that's a real feat of strength.
8. Get Drunk Overseas (Mexico is not "Overseas")
Why? Drink up someone else's culture. Buy a bottle of wine and sit out in a cafe in Venice. Split a bottle of ouzo in Greece. Get some pitchers of Sangria in Spain. Have some sake in a Japanese karaoke bar. Take in the culture of another country by sitting out and just enjoying the view with a bottle of liquor. Customs, sightseeing, and all that is great, but just sitting and taking the city in? That's what too many travelers take for granted.
7. Drink All Night to Honor the Fallen
Why? Maybe one of your parents, friends, or extended family members has just died. Honor their memory with a bunch of shots, drinks, and stories about their past. Trust me on this, it'll help you remember the best of times you had with that person. And that truly is the testament of a lifetime: the great times you'll never forget.
6. Buy the Entire Bar a Shot
Why? Yeah, it may not be economically viable these days. So maybe go into a dive and buy the five alcoholics there a shot. Either way, feel the feeling of complete and utter joy around you. That's everyone toasting to you. Even as you sign that $150 bar tab, you'll still be smiling.
5. Make Your Pilgrimage
Why? Go drink where your ancestors boozed. Go get a St. Patrick's Day Guinness in Dublin (best moment of my life? probably) if you're Irish. German? Go sample the Oktoberfest brews. Russian? I hear the vodka is da, very good, in Moscow. Every country has their own special brand of alcohol. Drinking it in America is just not the same as enjoying it where it was meant to be enjoyed.
4. Go to Vegas for a Impromptu Weekend
Why? Get three of your friends and plan a trip on Tuesday to leave on Friday. Spend two nights drinking, gambling, and carousing all over the city. There is no better city to find adventure and fun than in Vegas. Remember: no matter what you bet on, you can bet on having a good time. (Wordplay? kind of my thing)
3. Hit on Someone So Far Out of Your League, You Might as Well Be on the Latvian Bowling Team, Second Division
Why? Rejection is part of life. There's something wrong with you if you don't ever get rejected. Not everyone clicks, it's just a part of life. Sometimes you only have 10 seconds to get someone to like you. Go over to that ten. Not a good idea to ask if she wants a drink, since it'll probably be for nothing, but getting a little sauced and going for it is never a bad idea.
2. Tell Someone How You Really Feel
Why? In love with that girl that you're only supposed to be friends with? Hate your boss? Think your girlfriends "platonic" guy friend has a secret agenda? Get drunk and call them out. There's no better feeling than getting the truth out. Because there's no worse feeling than regretting not doing something. You might hurt feelings, you might lose friends. But you might find out that others feel the exact same way. Either way, regret is too strong of a feeling to live with. So don't live with it.
1. Give and Receive an Awesome Best Man Speech (Or Maid of Honor Toast)
Why? There's rarely a bigger honor in a man's life than being someone's best man or asking someone to be your best man. I, for one, already know who my best man will be and I'm sure it will reciprocated. Giving a great best man speech is tough, but if it comes from the heart, there's no doubt that it will kill. So toast your best friend on the best day of his life and listen to him toast you on yours. It's unlikely you'll have a drunken moment that will be more meaningful.
There you go. Cross them off one by one on your way to your grave and hopefully, when you die, they can print this out and show all 30 things crossed off at your funeral. It'll be awesome. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my post on feats of strength and your hopefully future accomplishments. Until next time, adios muchachos!
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