Leave Me Alone, I'm Drinking

Many people hear drinking alone and immediately say "alcoholic." Well, the blog doesn't share this view. Sometimes, drinking alone is necessary. When, you ask? OH! Well, I'm going to tell you. Perhaps it's not the happiest topic, but I my writing could make "2 and a Half Men" funny. So listen up, this is When Drinking Alone is OK.


After a Break-Up
"See....the crying, this is why I broke up with you."
Why It's OK: People are naturally sad after a break-up. There's lots of self-pity, tears, and mood swings during the immediate post-relationship period. Alcohol is oh-so-necessary to help you through the process but going out and meeting new people will only remind you of your ex. At least at first, it's best to wallow in that self-pity all by your lonesome. Throw on the Bryan Adams CD, sit in your underwear, and sip on a drink or ten as you get ALL your wallowing out of the way. I mean, your friends don't wanna hear your bitching. Get your ass on the couch and feel sorry for your drunken self!
You Should Drink: like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.

After a Traumatic Event
Yes, Like That.
Why It's OK: Every goes through trauma. Car accident, death in the family, dropping your entire bag of popcorn at the movie theatre. Whatever it is, you're gonna need to booze on through it. And if you're drinking with other people, all they're only going to tell you "Oh I'm so sorry, that looked delicious" and stuff like that. Well fuck that! You need to ditch your date and sit by yourself, sipping on your Movie Theatre Sized Margarita and dream of the buttery goodness you're missing out on.
You Should Drink: like Pac-Man Jones at a wine tasting.

When You're Struggling To Find An Answer
That Guy's Got the Right Idea
Why It's OK: Sometimes in life, we search for the unattainable answers. "What's my life's purpose?" "Did I let "the one" get away?" "Will I ever see my hot MILF neighbor changing through my bedroom window?" Life's too short to spend TOO much time thinking about such questions, so pour yourself a double and reflect. Creativity stems from alcohol abuse. Find your answer at the bottom of a bottle.
You Should Drink: more than Mel Gibson at a David Hasselhoff fiesta.

When You're Just Getting Out of Rehab
Who Are Those People?
Why It's OK: Whatever you were in rehab for, you owe it to yourself to reward your good behavior. Crack? Meth? Heroin? Well, you're going to need something to replace that eventually. You need to sit down by yourself and find out if that thing is alcohol. You know you've got an addictive personality, as you're just leaving rehab, so nobody is going to let you drink too heavily after getting out. That's why you need to do it alone. Avoid those party-pooping losers.
You Should Drink: like someone who was in rehab for alcohol abuse.

When Nobody Reads Your Blog
STUPID STUPID STUPID!
Why It's OK: Sometimes you pour your heart into something and it just doesn't work out for the best. So you started a blog and nobody reads it? It's OK. Maybe you have a solid head of hair? No, ummm...a good job? Ehem, anyways, maybe you should just not think about it. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and walk down the street. Maybe peeing on your neighbor's lawn will make you feel better? Maybe all that MILF neighbor needs is to see you naked first....
You Should Drink: like a soccer hooligan on her period.

Origins of Obscenity

When people are drinking, it's commonplace to get louder and looser with obscene language. But everywhere we go, there's different types of vulgarity. What is offensive here might go unnoticed somewhere else. I thought you should know this the next time you're traveling. Here's a Dolan's Guide to Foreign Offensive Hand Gestures.


V-Sign

Where It's Used: Britain, Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand.
What It Means: "Fuck off, you (French) twat"
It's Origins: During the 100 years war between France and Great Britain, the French would often threaten to cut off the shooting fingers (middle and index) of any archers that were captured. British archers would flash this v-sign (with the palm facing yourself, not the person you're flashing it to) in a sign of utter defiance. Also, they probably didn't believe the French would cut them off anyone. After all, they're French. The only war they've won is against themselves (French Revolution).


Bras d'honneur

Where It's Used: Spain, Portugal, Latin America, Italy, Poland, Russian countries.
What It Means: "Up Yours" or "Fuck Off"
It's Origins: Originated presumably in France, where everything dirty seemingly originates. The bras d'honneur (the arm of honor) is an insulting gesture since it implies someone sticking something so far up a certain opening that it can't go any further. Otherwise, there really is no origin story. Originally though, the French meant to be an ironic pick-up line in bars, since they have small penises.

Moutza

Where It's Used: Greece
What It Means: "Eat Shit" or "Take That"
It's Origins: In 7th Century BC Byzantine (now Istanbul, Turkey), a chained criminal would be paraded around town, sitting on a donkey with their face covered in cinder. Since "moutza" was the word for cinder in ancient Greek, it became known as an insult for a common criminal. Another theory is that these criminals had poop thrown at them and the moutza is how the thrower of poop's hand ended up after they threw it. It's vitally important that, when in Greece, you don't wave goodbye to anyone or show them the number 5 with your hands. Your wine will otherwise be garnished with a bit of saliva.

Open Palm

Where It's Used: Some African and Caribbean countries.
What It Means: "You Have 5 fathers" or "You're a bastard"
It's Origins: Since the loss of parents is much more common in poorer countries like Africa and Caribbean countries, there are more orphans than you could imagine. Thus, one of the more popular and offensive insults is the open palm, basically calling someone a bastard. It's really a sad insult, as poverty really has no winners. And if you did it in America someone would just give you a high five. Which might explain why that Egyptian guy was pissed at me when I high-fived him after spilling my drink on him last week.

Thumbs Up

Where It's Used: Iran, Afghanistan, Nigeria, and parts of Italy/Greece
What It Means: "Sit on my dick, asshole" (hey, don't blame me. i'm just the messenger....of awesomeness!)
It's Origins: Contrary to popular belief, in Ancient Roman gladiator battles, a thumbs up actually meant that the gladiator was to be killed, not spared. In many movies such as Gladiator and Spartacus, they get this historical fact very wrong. Thus, it already had the stigma of being the signal of death, so it made a very smooth transition to being the signal of someone calling you an asshole. Thus, if you're in any of the above areas, you might wanna find a different hand signal if you're gonna hitchhike. But if you're hitchhiking in Nigeria, Iran, or Afghanistan....hand signals are probably the least of your worries.

Straight Up Gangsta

Like a white boy at a Dave Matthews concert, I'm here to get you high. High off my sexy writing that is. I know you've longed for it. I know you've craved it. Sometimes when you go to bed at night, you might even dream about it. What in the name of the Gods of Whiskey am I talking about? Douchebags. As girls criticize guys for going after sluts, guys often criticize girls for going after the highest forms of douche there is. It's true and scientific. Here are the 6 Biggest One-Hit Drunkard Douches.


6. LMFAO
They're Like Black Hipsters--Apparently, Those Exist
Their One-Hit: That despicable rap song that goes "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS."
Why They're Douchey: Well, first of all, look at them. They look that guy from House Party if he was retarded (for those of you who don't get that reference, you got Google--look it up). Their song is massively retarded. Anyone can sing that crap. ALL THEY ARE DOING IS YELLING SHOT OVER AND OVER. It's not that they're singing about alcohol or their music in general. It's everything combined. Their looks, their music, AND they were nominated for a Grammy. Proving one thing: the Grammy's are completely irrelevant.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like a girl getting sand in her va-jayj after beach sex that lasted 15 seconds.

5. Asher Roth
"I Make Good Music...For You to Poop On!"
His One HIt: His Frat-Boy Douche Anthem "I Love College"
Why He's Douchey: Must I explain? Yes, I went to college and stereotyped it to the bone. But I don't feel the need to create a song listing drinking games and taping parties and smoking weed. Do you know why I don't? Because I'm not a big ass douche. Every white male that's ever gone to college knows what's good about it, we don't need some wannabe rapper white-boy rapping a list. It's like if you took Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" and made it in to a douche bag anthem.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like a drunk frat boy screaming "NICE BEER BONG, BRO!" over and over until your ears hurt.

4. John Mayer
"Look at My Hair. I Gelled It All Morning to Make It Look Like I Didn't Gel It."
His One Hit: He's had a few but for the sake of me being able to call him a douche, let's just say he's banged half of the over 18 women in Hollywood.
Why He's Douchey: You know those liberal hippies in college that play acoustic guitar with their shirt off in the quad? John Mayer is their God. All he does is play acoustic guitar sing like he's having an orgasm. Not to mention that he's slept with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Heidi Klum, Minka Kelly ("Friday Night Lights," "Girl at the End of (500) Days of Summer"), Jennifer Aniston, and a nurse at the free clinic that gave him free penicilin. He used the "N" word in an magazine interview and talked about his sex life with Jessy Simps. I'd keep listing stuff, but I'm not Asher Roth. (Ed's Note: That's some high-quality backshadowing there, Michael)
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: That guy that your girlfriend is friends with that you know wants to get on her but you can't say anything because everyone likes him. (There's one in every relationship.)

3. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag
"We're Not Being Treated for AIDS...YET!"
Their One Hit: I don't even remember why they're famous. Did they kill joy? That must be it.
Why They're Douchey: If I need to explain, you clearly haven't been anywhere near the internet. All they do is famewhorefamewhorefamewhorefamewhore. They whore themselves for fame. Spencer Pratt is a douchebag already but his skank of obliviousness wife Heidi is convinced that she's a musical prodigy, despite being less talented than a cum-stained doorknob. All they do is beg for attention in the press and give you reason as to WHY we should pay attention to them. Yeah, Tiger Woods is a douche but least he's compelling because he's a star athlete, ya know? I don't care about anything these two have ever done and neither does 99% of the world. Get off my life, whorebags.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Having kids that continually yell "DADDY DADDY LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME."

2. Tila Tequila
"I BEAT TILA TEQUILA! AHHH BUT NOBODY CARES SO I GOT OFF! AHHH!! I'M SHAWNE MERRIMAN OF THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS AND I BEAT THAT WHORE FOR YOU!"
Her One Hit: That pitiful reality show on MTV "A Shot at Love." If only the shot came from a Machine Gun.
Why She's Douchey: Again, she contributed nothing and given nobody a reason to respect her. The only reason she got popular is because she set a record for MySpace friends, which in of itself sounds like the douchiest thing ever. But, not one to settle on being a fame whore, she prances around flaunting her bisexuality, as if that makes her super cool and awesome. Let's get one thing straight, Tila: you're just a slut with a cool name and a premise for a retarded reality show. You are half-Vietnamese, half- Disgusting. You're a boozing little twat. There's no reason to go on--whore's are pretty easy to explain.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like an aged Tequila that some drunk girl pours out for a fallen homie.

1. Dane Cook
"I"LL STEAL YO JOKES, YELL THEM, AND MAKE HAND GESTURES! IT'S WAY FUNNIER!"
His One Hit: That one joke he stole from [insert comedian's name here]
Why He's Douchey: Dane Cook is the epitome of the word "Douche." He steals jokes, acts like a child, and then attempts to act in movies. Everything he does is painful to watch but he is so utterly cocky and full of himself that it makes one just want to punch him in the spine until his 3rd vertebrate is crushed. If he was the Iraq War, his jokes are the land mind that kills our soldiers. Except he's not killing soldiers. He's killing comedy. As we know, at least. He's that special type of Boston douche. The one that hangs out in the bars and screams about how the Celtics are "TOO HAWDCAWWWWW!" The one that owes you $35 bucks but everytime you ask for it, he'll just say "Fuck you, bro, you'll get it." The funny thing is that Dane Cook thinks he is the funny thing. Good Luck Chuck makes me beg to differ.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like that fly you can't catch in your house and JUST WON'T LEAVE! THE WINDOW IS WIDE OPEN, JUST GO!

That's it, intro's are for lovers but conclusions are for bummers. G'night!

Guys Just Wanna Have Rum

WHAT? God, I'm ancy. Can't you tell? My girlfriend has been on a cruise for a while and I've had no car since then and my hormones feel like a pregnant girl craving chocolate, then sex, then chocolate again. Then sex. Again. Damnit. I like girly drinks and I presume every guy does. They're frickin delicious. But I would never order one. Girls may not know why. I'm here, as always, to explain. Here is What Fruity Drinks Say About Straight Guys.

Cosmopolitan
Why He Ordered It: Feel asleep to "Sex in the City" and is jonesing for one bad.
Probable Reaction: "What's that red thing in your hand, bro?"
Cover Up Attempt: Ordering a cosmo is an experience for a man. An experience in extreme lameness, that is. He's throwing out all reservations for good taste, something no men do. That's why we drink whiskey, scotch, and tequila. A man who has enough guts to say "cosmopolitan" is a man with misguided guts. Someone who orders it might tell you "It's really just a fancy name for a vodka/cranberry!" Whatever, Samantha. If the bartender is a guy, he will snicker and not serve this guy for the rest of the night. If the bartender is female, she'll set him up on a blind date--with her gay best friend.
Pictured: Founder of the Samantha Fan Club


Appletini
Why He Ordered It: Watches alot of "Scrubs" and is trying to be ironic or something.
Probable Reaction: "When you're done, are you gonna stick that tini core up your ass?"
Cover Up Attempt: The man likes vodka, yet can't deal with it straight. Doesn't like beer or any of that other "manly" stuff. Really just wants a drink that tastes good. Too bad that means all the men are going to be looking at him. Straight ones making fun of him and gay ones wondering how big his penis is. The man's friends will ostracize him for the rest of the night, for fear of "gay by association" chants. Will likely attempt to salvage his rep by pounding whiskey the rest of the night but, as is when you wet your pants eight years ago, "people don't forget!"
Pictured: Future Molester of your son.


Tequila Sunrise
Why He Ordered It: Remembers that one time he got hammered off Cuervo and banged that hand model.
Probable Reaction: "Sunrise? You gotta wake up in the morning to get your balls waxed?"
Cover Up Attempt: Well, it is tequila. But who drinks orange juice at a bar? Females. That's who. I mean the drink is red. You must be on your period, bro! Probably will try to make up for this drink by getting more ass than you. Fucker. Go listen to that Eagles song. "Just another Tequilaaaa Sunrise." I'VE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT AND I HATE THE FUCKING EAGLES MAN! And I hate not getting ass. It's like you get to it, you get to the mambo then she's like no no. FUCK. My brain is farting. Stupid penis.
Pictured: A guy who also hates The Eagles. And they do blow.


Amaretto/Midori Sour
Why He Ordered It: Heard the girl next to him order it and has been to bar like twice in his life.
Probable Reaction: "You like it sweet, eh sugartits?"
Cover Up Attempt: Not experienced in acceptable bar etiquette, apparently he didn't know there is a such thing as a "whiskey sour." It's alright to order this drink--if you wanna walk around like a jackass. One would have to say a Midori Sour is worse because, well, it's green. And it's only ok for a guy to drink green drinks on St. Patricks Day. Or if you're in China for New Year's--more on that later, though. Hold on--I'm having a chocolate craving. AHHHH!!! Whew where was I? Oh yes. Midori Sours. They're for fags.
Pictured: i think that's a guy. If it's not....yikes.


Pina Colada
Why He Ordered It: Maybe he just heard that one song and likes getting caught in the rain.
Probable Reaction: "What's in that drink--cum and rum? No wonder you're swallowing it so fast."
Cover Up Attempt: I've never been a fan of Pina Colada's. Rum is overrated and this drink is actually the highest calorie drink of all the alcoholic drinks (source: look it up on your own on google.) Perhaps the guy was on vacation and ordered it since it's such a vacation drink. May try and make up for his mistake by ordering Corona afterwards but Corona is nearly as girly. Why don't you just drink Michelob Ultra Light? Pussy. Go get caught in the rain with some other guy's balls. (All Blog and No Sex Makes Mike a Mean Boy)
Pictured: Pucker up, madam.


Fuzzy Navel
Why He Ordered It: Had schnapps that one time and it was "a killer night, dawg."
Probable Reaction: "Your dick get schnapped off or something?"
Cover Up Attempt: I'm not sure how one could go to up to a bar and ask for this drink. This drink doesn't even taste good! But I suppose after the guy who orders this gets slapped in the balls til he pukes, he could drink straight scotch for the rest of the night, get the phone numbers of twins, and get laid in the bathroom to atone for such a hideous bar offense as ordering a fuzzy navel. Who even likes a literal fuzzy navel? NOT MEN! Nobody wants to see hair on a girl there--or anywhere besides her head for that matter! SHAVE SHAVE SHAVE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Pictured: Milk--a manly drink.


Long Island Iced Tea
Why He Ordered It: Wants to get fucked up and has no idea what to order besides this.
Probable Reaction: "What, you need to be hammered to hook up with chicks?"
Cover Up Attempt: Some may disagree and say the long island is more of a universal drink, for men and women, or a good name for a big penis that a Jewish girl made up. But I disagree (with the first part). The long island iced tea is expressly for getting girls drunk enough to get horny and make mistakes. Guys wanna get drunk, order a beer. Order whiskey. Goddamnit, don't ruin the long island iced tea. LET GIRLS HAVE IT! THE MORE OF A GIRLY DRINK WE MAKE IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL DRINK IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL BE DRUNK, THE MORE GIRLS WILL HAVE SEX! Listen to me. Please? (Ed.'s Note: Mike has lost it. This is why you don't participate in "sex challenges" with your girlfriend when she's on vacation.)
Pictured: YOU THINK THIS SHIT HAPPENS WHEN GIRLS DRINK BEER?


I hope I helped you examine the male psyche of girl drunkenness. There's not much to it really. Stray away from these ones though, ladies! They might turn over before you know it! Happy New Years! GET DRUNK AND HAVE FUN AND GET LAID I WONT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Drunk Awards of the Aughts (Or Whatever We're Calling this Decade)

Every decade needs a "Best of..." and of course, here at the blog, I had to make some sort of list to commemorate the ending of the decade. It's been an eventful one. Most are, but I feel like more happened than, say, in the 1860s. Seriously, name one thing that happened that decade. Anyways, let's get on with it. These are the Drunk Awards of the Last Decade

Best Drinking Movie

Nominees:

Beerfest

The Hangover

Bad Santa

Old School

Winner: Unfortunately, none of these movies are all that spectacular. But, since there has to be a winner, let's give it to Bad Santa since it's Christmas season and I'm feeling all cheery-like.

Most Ridiculous Celebrity DUI

Mel Gibson (2006)

Tony LaRussa (2006)

Lindsay Lohan (Pick 'Em)

Cedric Benson (2007)

Winner: Well, who can be the winner here? Gibson called a woman cop "Sugartits" while insults Jewish people, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa feel asleep in the middle of an intersection, Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan....but Cedric Benson gets the trophy for getting a DUI while driving a boat.

Worst Drinking Trend

Red Bull/Vodka

Sweet Tea Vodka

No Smoking in Bars

Me Dislocating My Knee

Winner: Red Bull/Vodka was on my shit list til I tried it, Sweet Tea Vodka isn't really a trend, rather just shitty booze, and me dislocating my knee is pretty bad but it also gets me alot of attention. No Smoking in Bars is an unfortunate development. I mean, I quit but still...where's my secondhand smoke brah?

Best Drinking Trend

Sorority Girls Reading My Blog

Winner: Yeah that's right. They're probably reading right now in between round 5 and 6 of their pillow fight.

Most Ridiculous Drunk Claims

Ron Artest claiming he Drank During NBA Games

Titans Running Back LenDale White claiming he lost weight drinking only tequila

Girls when they say"I Never Do This..."

Anything Tiger or His Wife Say About his Recent Scandal

Winner: Oh, Girls...Like we really believe you.

Best "Rehab" Television Show

Intervention

That Dr. Drew One

Intervention w/ Kristin Chenoweth

Winnter: All of these STINK besides Kristin.

Stupidest Song That Drunk People Love

Soulja Boy Tell 'Em- Crank Dat

Baha Men- Who Let the Dogs Out?

Hurricane Chris- Ay Bay Bay

Bloodhound Gang- Bad Touch (Discovery Channel)

Gomez- Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot (Mike Dolan in the Face)

Winner: Unfortunately, winner is more of an ironic term here. Or not, but nobody wins. The worst song, however, is Ay Bay Bay, forever and always.

Prettiest Place I Drank

Dublin, Ireland

Santorini, Greece

Cozumel, Mexico

Bloomington, Illinois

Winner: There's little prettier than drinking with my girlfriend in BLOOMington but let's be realistic. Santorini is one of the prettiest places on Earth. It's so pretty you just want to take it out for a nice dinner and be respectful all night, without even thinking of trying for sex until the 3rd or 4th date.

Ugliest Place I Drank

Kirksville, Missouri

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

(A Certain District Of...) Amsterdam, The Netherlands

St. Louis, Missouri

Winner: In a battle of shitstorms, no sane human being can deny Milwaukee, Wisconsinas the biggest load of crap in the Midwest besides Detroit.

Best Fictional Bars

The Winchester (Shaun of the Dead)

McClarren's (How I Met Your Mother)

Paddy's Pub (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Kavanaugh's (The Wire)

Winner: Oh please. Paddy's, McClaren's, and Kavanaugh's are all great, but The Winchester is the only bar sexy enough to survive a zombie romantic comedy.

Anti-Alcoholic of the Decade

Jonas Brothers

Miley Cyrus

The New Pope, I Forget His Name

I Don't Know, Aren't There Countries That Outlaw Alcohol? Those, then.

Winner: Miley Cyrus is the winner because she's 17 and richer than me and everyone who's ever come near this blog's lifetime net wealth.

Alcoholic of the Decade

Mel Gibson

Lindsay Lohan

Britney Spears

Paula Abdul

David Hasselhoff

Winner: Although some would argue that David Hasselhoff has "earned" the win here, there can be no denying that Lindsay Lohan has truly captured the true essence of the American problem child. Some (Jillie and her friends, probably) would argue that Britney deserves the award for her comeback and all that. BUT NO. Lindsay was at least a mildly sane and semi-functional alcoholic. Britney went off the rocker like a glorified cat lady. Except her kids and K-Fed ending up being the cats.

The "Mike Dolan Award" for Invincibility, Awesomeness, and Fulfilling Every One of Your Sexual Desires

Jesus

Mike Dolan

Everyone Who Reads This

Ha! Just Kidding, It's Just Between Me and Jesus.

Winner: Really, we're all winners here. Mike Dolan wins since Jesus was against sex before marriage, was never married, thus never had sex and fulfilled nobody's sexual desires ha ha ha I beat your Lord and Savior.

Whoa, I think I'll also win a first class ticket to hell.

Those are the drunk awards of the decade. Recognize, there'll be more "Best of the decade lists" in your future fo sho.

Pin the Tail on the Drunk Asshole

I love games. I'm very competitive and obviously like to drink, so its no surprise that I like drinking games. And none of them are really that out of control. I mean, you got beer pong, flip cup, and quarters and those are all fine and good. But sometimes you're just feeling like an actual challenge. Something you could look back on and maybe tell your AA sponsor some day. These are what only few men only dare attempt. For it is by blind competitive spirit (read: stupidity) that any human being would take on one of the 5 Most Ridiculous Drinking Challenges.

5. Century Club
The Challenge: A power hour for 100 Minutes
How Much Drinking Total: Between 10-11 Beers
How It Gets Ya: The century club, admittedly, probably shouldn't be on this list. It's not THAT hard (not that it's easy), but alas, I was searching for something to take up the fifth spot. So sue me for lack of creativity. I've never enjoyed power hours and I don't support the participation of anyone in them, although I will do it for the common good. And by that I simply mean I will do it if someone asks me too. But century club is for little sissies and girls that can't drink enough because they are on seizure meds. (I predict you've already told Jillie by the time you're finished with this sentence, Emily)

4. Case Race
The Challenge: A team of "x" amount of people tries to finish a case of beer before the other team(s) doing the EXACT SAME THING WHOA!
How Much Drinking Total: It depends. (Ed.'s Note: On What, Mike?) Well, many factors. Are you female or male? Are you over 160 lbs? Have you ever drank before? When you're choosing what to wear to go out on a Friday night, do you choose a pink polo and think "Damn, I need to pop that collaaaaaa, fo sho!"?? (Ed.'s Note: That would make you pretty cool, bro)
How It Gets Ya: Speed drinking isn't for everyone. Finishing a large amount of beer in a short amount of time takes a bit out of you. But a case race is about one thing and one thing only. And unlike sex, that thing is not endurance. But like sex, its about opening your throat real wide and swallowing a big load of semen. Wait. I mean beer. A big load of beer. Sorry. My mind is all up in the guttah.

3. Irish Truck Bomb
The Challenge: Chug an Irish Truck Bomb without stopping/vomiting/dying
How Much Drinking Total: A pitcher full of Guinness, 1.5 shots of whiskey, 1.5 shots of Bailey's Irish Creme
How It Gets Ya: The Irish Truck Bomb is tough, in that Guinness is very heavy, like K-Fed Post-Britney. Plus you got all that booze and the fact that you need to chug it all at once. Well, it takes a true test of will to down one of these babies. Many Americans, blinded by their lack of taste and mortal stupidity, do not appreciate the sexual taste of Guinness that makes one's mouth go "mmmm, this is how sex must feel for Ron down there." (Ed.'s Note: Mike's mouth has apparently named his wonder organ. How is this guy not published?) And while my editor continues to be a mean, mean little man, ponder this doozy of a conundrum: if a Truck Bomb explodes in your mouth, does your tongue think it just got laid? Or just mine?

2. Down I-55
The Challenge: Drink a shot of beer corresponding to whatever minute it is for 10 minutes. (1 shot for the first, 2 for the second, 3 for the third, 4th for the fourth, etc....)
How Much Drinking Total: 55 Shots of Beer in 10 Minutes, about 6 beers.
How It Gets Ya: If you have to ask, you can't handle it. My attempts fall short when it gets to minute seven and there is nothing left in my field of vision. Reading it, you may not think it would be that hard. But that's what she said. And it is. It's a power hour in 10 minutes and it takes a true bread of man (read: an idiot) to attempt it, let alone finish it. But say you accidently invited both girls you're dating to the same party and need a quick way out: well, this could temporarily delay the fact that you'll probably need to get used to porn being a good friend of yours. Unless you're really smooth like me. I could pull off dating two girls if I tried, I choose not to because 1) I'm really nice and 2) really don't want to because my girlfriend is so nice and flat-out gorgeous. (tell THAT one to Jillie, madam)

1. 24 in 24
The Challenge: Drink 24 Beers in 24 hours, without sleeping at any time even if you're finished.
How Much Drinking Total: 24 Beers. I mean, come on, it's in the title.
How It Gets Ya: This challenge would be so much more enticing if you could actually sleep after you've finished. But no, the gods of dumbassery have bestowed that not to be enough to claim victory. One must stay awake, piss drunk, and not die. Well even though I got through 19 beers (no bragging or anything) in 12 hours, the game needs to be played to pure perfection if one is to even to come close to finishing it. But besides needing an iron liver, you'll need a crazy ass amount of endurance. (Writer's Note: Like Mike during s_x. He's a good woodwindest.) But it's all irrelevant really. You see, the 24 in 24 challenge can be attributed to one thing: moronism. (that's actually a word, no spell check came up) There's no reason to feel the need to finish besides maybe it getting you laid. But if you need this challenge to get laid, you might want to start watching re-runs of Happy Days and study The Fonz. HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, sucks to be you.

After destroying my writer's block with another wonderful post, I'm tired and don't much feel like adding a conclusion. Besides, this paragraph is just like Decaf coffee with dessert: unnecessary and unstimulating. So let's bust out of here like a nut...on an acorn tree and go out on the high note I just hit. Ciao!

Yes, It's a Random Mailbag but Maybe You Should Just Deal With It, Like WHOA!, and All that Jazz: The Random Holiday Mailbag

Why hello there! Since my guest blogger is taking longer than a lunar leapyear to get his blog post in, I'm gonna give you something new. I call it a SURPRISE MAILBAG! It's where I surprise you with an unexpected mailbag at an unexpected time, aka not the 1st of the month. We'll call it a SUPER SEXY SURPRISE HOLIDAY MAILBAG. Maybe the title needs work. But I'll tell you something: the questions and answers don't. Because they're perfect.


Q: I know you've been asked before, but what are you REALLY being for Halloween? And for that matter, I hear you're going to a dance. WITH A GIRL EVEN! What's that about?
--M. Forte's Declining Running Ability, Chicago, IL
A: I'm wearing a T-Shirt that reads as follows:
"Memo:
Ms. Cyrus, WEAR STILLETOS!
Love,
Hollywood"
Total win, right?

Q: If you had to be one other nationality, what would it be and why? I mean, don't say Irish. Stop being a stupid alcoholic and give me a straight answer.
--N. Patrick Harris' Unknown Homosexuality, New York, NY
A: After much deliberation, I'm thinking I'd be a Nigerian. How's that for a non-alcoholic answer?

Q: Don't you feel a little underdressed when you're listening to The White Tie Affair?
--L. Lohan's Sense of Self-Worth, Los Angeles, CA
A: I don't think I could've said it any better. I love this band but their name alone makes me feel like I'm a slob. Oh, just cause I'm wearing my Homer Simpson slippers, sweatpants and a paint-stained white t-shirt means I'm not classy? Please. White ties are for people who can pull off white ties. Not that I can't, but I'd probably just end up looking like 8 maids a milking. What?

Q: WHY CAN'T I FOLLOW YOU ON TWITTER?!?!?!
--H. Duff's Sense of Youthful Wonder, San Jose, CA
A: You can. My twitter name is "mdole" but I mostly use it to follow cool celebs, bands, and get movie/TV news. Because I'm really cool, remember?

Q: If you could have one person lead your intervention who would it be?
--Bono's Need For Attention, Belfast, Northern Ireland
A: OK. Who's a natural born leader, convincing, dashing, and all-around attractive but not so much that it'd be distracting? That's right, I know exactly who you're thinking too. I think it would have to be Creed from The Office. I mean, just think of all the wisdom he could impart. He's seen, heard, and done everything. So him leading an intervention for me would make me feel alot better about attempting to quit drinking if it ever got that bad.
(Side Note: I got an email today from substance-abuse-counsler.com telling me they've added my blog to their database. About time.)

Q: Ten Best Thing About Halloween....GO!
--A. McMahon's God-Like Demeanor, Everywhere, World
A: Well, I'll try and give this a go:
10. Trick or Treating
9. Taking your kids trick or treating.
8. Costume Parties
7. Seeing Creativity and Shame Reach No Bounds
6. Deciding What You're Going to Wear
5. Candy
4. Candy-Flavored Liquor
3. Girls drinking candy-flavored liquor
2. Girls' Costumes
1. It's an excuse to drink your pants off. (or go out without pants on at all)

Q: What is just the best idea you've ever had about anything? I'm talking anything....
S. Irwin's Stingray Friend Stabby, Melbourne, Australia
A: Going to Amsterdam without telling anyone is, was, and will always the best idea I've ever had. Even though I almost was robbed, arrested, and killed, I don't regret one single moment in the Promised Land. Because if something bad happens in Heaven, at least you're still waking up to angels. Copyright, Michael Francis, Inc.

Q: I remember a while back you answered a question completely in Jack's Mannequin lyrics. It was decently impressive I guess. Can you do the same with Britney Spears lyrics? I'm guessing no. But here's my question. If you had to pick one sexual position that could be the only one you could use for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
--K-Fed's Extremely Large Waistline, San Diego County Zoo, CA
A: There's things about me you just have to know: I'm not a girl, but now I'm stronger than yesterday. You're fakin' like a good one, but I'm addicted to you cause I know baby, I'm so into you. Baby, get it get it, get it get, what? They say she's so lucky as she says "I'm a Slave for being caught in between." Oops! I lose all my senses in between Peter, Paul, and Mary. If you seek Amy, I must confess, from the bottom of my broken heart, it's Britney bitch on shattered glass that I'm a slave for.
(WHOA!)

Q: I heard you're pretty good at Fantasy Football. What are some other fantasy things you're good at?
--D. Jackson's Incredibly Fast Legs, Philadelphia, PA
A: Hmmm. This is a tough question. Tough in that I want to answer it but might be judged too harshly. Whatever. I'm DYNAMITE at Fantasy Baseball and Fantasy Soccer. Also, I'm not bad at fantasy roleplay but I was just never born to be an actor. I bet I'd be better at writing fantasy roleplay. Not that I'm bad at it. Shit, stop talking Mike. You do realize you can go back and erase stuff you're saying to yourself, right Mike? Why are you still typing? YOU ARE TALKING TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON ON YOUR BLOG SHUT IT.

Q: Give me some weed talk. You never talk about weed. Didn't you use to be a huge stoner? What made you quit? Weed. WEED. WEED WEED WEED.
--A. Kutcher's Twitter Following, Hartford, CN.
A: This question has probably been a long time. Here's the deal. I've probably smoked more weed than you. Does that make me cooler than you? Absolutely not. I quit because weed makes me lazy and boring. And I like being active and exciting. I'll still do it now and then, but my stoner days are long gone. FOR NOW!

Q: What are some of the best movies to watch hungover? I'm always hungover on the weekends and just lay around. I need some suggestions like Christian Bale needs a Xanax.
--M. Fox's Match.com Account, Boise, ID
A: Movies that aren't great but a) light and enjoyable and b) require little thought, are the best hangover movies. Some good ones are Major League, Top Gun, Ghostbusters, Joe Dirt, The Transporter, High Fidelity, and (my personal cure for all hangovers, sadness, and the unfunnies) Shaun of the Dead.

Q: What are your thoughts on Adderall usage? Is it really helping our kids study or is it a dangerous problem that our schools need to deal with?
--National Association of Short People, Providence, Rhode Island
A: I love adderall usage. I think it brings out a really different side of a person that you wouldn't see normally. And you don't even have to get them drunk. It's also very useful to use for studying and partying, because sometimes you can't sleep during either activity. As for it's detractors, I say this: yeah, you're probably right. It's probably terrible for you. But think of it this way: so is an F, sleeping alone, and being tired all day. Dolan shoots. He scores.

Q: I'm a virgin new to the game. I just got my first girlfriend! I need 7 sex tips for beginners so that I don't embarrass myself with my more experienced lady.
--Carrie Bradshaw's Biggest Fans, New York, NY
A: WHOA! Talk about a question that is going to make people think I'm misogynistic to a high degree! Love it! Here are seven tips for virgin or just inexperienced sex that I've picked up on my many travels.
1. If you pay for it, they'll almost never laugh at you.
2. Being drunk might make it a little better, but you're still awful. Just do it sober and enjoy the feeling while it lasts.
3. No matter who it is, the girl is going to tell her friends about how bad you were. The novelty (or "cuteness") of sleeping with a virgin, for a girl at least, only lasts until she realizes how bad you are. Just tell her you're a virgin.
4. Wear a condom. If you don't, it'll last for about 20 seconds.
5. No dirty talk. You suck.
6. Make sure it's in the right hole. That'd be embarrassing.
7. Enjoy! It's sex and you're doing it!

Q: Yankees/Phillies World Series. How much do you not care? Answer in analogies please!
--Padres Fans' Sense of Self-Worth, San Diego, CA
A: The following analogies are all presented by how much I care about the World Series. (Imagine them all starting with "I care about the World Series this year as much as...")
...the Bears care about tackling.
...Florida hockey fans actually care about hockey.
...Jon and Kate actually care for their kids instead of money.
...red-green colorblind people care about the movie "The Color of Money"
...most Americans care about soccer.
...that two-month old cares where his milk comes from.
...Bobby Dolan cares.

Q: I need your help might badly. You see, Halloween is my favorite holiday. I'm dressing up as the St. Pauli Girl mascot and my boyfriend is going as a fat German guy. (Not much costume needed, lol!) Anyways, after we do some roleplay with some schnitzel, sauerkraut, and Munster cheese, we are heading out to a party. My boyfriend, however, wants to bring another "bratwurst" into the bedroom so to speak. Originally it was my idea, but he brought it up as sort of a "present" to me. Now, normally this would be this fraeulin's dream come true but I'm worried that he's a little too excited about it. How do I figure out if he's doing this for me or exploring some of his other "feelings"?
--Pam Beasely's Lesser Known Sister, Scranton, PA
A: I'm glad you came to me Pam because I have no experience in this matter. As for your costume, not bad. That's pretty creative. Sounds like your boyfriend is a class act. As for how to find out his real feelings on the topic, I'll tell you. You see, there's a large double standard when it comes to how "gay" it makes someone for participating in one. As for women, it's sexy to have the 2 women, 1 guy threesome. As for men, it's awkward to have the 2 guy, 1 girl threesome. Is it unfair? Maybe. But here's why it's consider much, much more "iffy" for a guy to have a 2 guy, 1 girl threesome: girls are attractive. Their bodies are beautiful works of art, carefully sculpted. There's barely any hair and more possibilites for attractive features. Guys? We're gross. We're hairy all over. And let's be honest: those things hanging off us are about as good looking as a gypsy garage sale. So when a girl participates in a threesome with another girl, it's more acceptable because it's easier to appreciate the attractiveness of a woman than it is for a man to appreciate how good another man looks. Girls are more attractive than guys in every sense of the word. So it's much EASIER for women to appreciate each other.
As for your answer freulien, he's at least bi-curious. Sorry. Might want to cook some extra bratwurst for the rest of the weekend.


Well that's it for the surprise mailbag! Did you enjoy? ME TOO! Anyways, I hope you've had a good start to the week and enjoy the rest of this week. My guest blogger WILL have his post up in a few days. Or he will die. Go in peace, brothers and sisters, and remember to always give it your all. Especially when it's telling other people about my blog.
Night!

Where Do You Belong?

Everybody belongs somewhere. Well, I take that back. Some people are big losers. But everyone else belongs somewhere. Throughout life we continually search for our place in the world. Where do we live? Where do we eat? Where do we have sex? Where do we eat while having sex? Such hard questions that take a lifetime (or a few drinks) to figure out. But when it comes to where to drink, people need to fit in just like they do in their cozy suburb. Some people need help figuring it out. Here's where their help comes from. How To Tell Where You Should Be Drinking. Now let's make like Annie Lennox and walk on some broken glass. That made sense, trust me.

Sports Bar
Common Features: Lots of TV's, Lots of Men, Lots of Beer, Sports Decorations All Over, Fat People.
Do I Belong? You simply need to ask yourself the following questions: Do I Like Beer? Do I Like Sports? Am I Married? Do I Like Sports More than Women? Do I Like Sports More than My Family? Do I Like Buffalo Wings More than My Family? If you've answered yes to two of these questions or more, you belong at a sports bar. Obviously, it takes a special type of woman to belong at a sports star and there are only two questions to find out the answer: Are you a lesbian? and Are you Canadian? Answer yes to either, and you belong at a sports bar.
Pictured: Sports Bar's Attendees Look-A-Like

Dive Bar
Common Features: Pungent Smells, Low Lighting, Silence, Alcoholics, Cheap Prices
Do I Belong? Ask yourself these questions: Am I an Alcoholic? Are You Looking to Drink During the Day Without Anyone Finding Out? Do I Not Care About Personal Hygiene? Am I Going to Pay For My Beer in Quarters Because I Have No Bills? Did My Wife/Girlfriend or Husband/Boyfriend just leave me for the 24-year old Colombian Maid/Pool Boy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you belong at a dive bar. And that's really a downer. Because if you belong at a dive bar, you have lost all shame. You might as well walk outside on Tuesday morning in sweatpants and your spaghetti stained shirt.
Pictured: Mickey Mouse's Drunk Cousins He Doesn't Want You to Know About

Jazz Bar
Common Features: Jazz, Wine, Candlelight, Faux Romanticism, Clever Words to Make Me Seem Smart.
Do I Belong? Again, ask yourself the following: Are you happily Married/In a Relationship? Do you like jazz more than most music? Do you like wine better than the better liquors? Are you over 40? Are you pretentious, i.e. are you a hipster? Do you enjoy taking it easy over having fun? Are you the death of fun? Do you play jazz flute like little fairy boys? (note: this is a movie quote, not an insult) If you answered yes to two or more, you belong in a jazz bar. If you answered yes to all, congratulations, you are the oldest people to ever read my blog. You win an early bedtime and an AARP membership.
Pictured: Class

Dance Bar
Common Features: Dancing, Loud, Blaring Techno that Makes Your Hear Nearly Explode, $15 drinks, People More Attractive than Me or You Dancing Together While We Try to Figure Out If It's Even Worth Going Out On the Dance Floor and Asking Someone Way Out of Our League to Dance and Look Like Losers When They Reject Us.
Do I Belong? Pose in the Mirror and ask yourself these questions: Are you a high roller? Are you addicted to coke/ecstasy? Are you a good dancer with no personality? Are you a good looking human? Do you have enough money to pay for all those $20 shots? Really? Are You Sure You Aren't Lying? Do you enjoy headaches because of music and not hangovers? Have you ever just let loose to your all time fav jam, like, tots all night? Would you reject me if I asked to talk/dance/come within 20 feet of you? Is your name Eric Prydz? If you answered yes to two or three of these questions, then you belong in a dance bar. I'll see you there after they make me wait in line for two hours.
Pictured: Three Pussies

Gay Bar
Common Features: FlamBOYance, Style, Ironic Decor, Fun Music, Dance Parties, Guys Singing Britney.
Do I Belong? Grab a orange mocha frappuccino and answer these inquiries: Are You Gay or Bi-Sexual? Are you a straight girl thinking "I JUST WANT TO DANNNNNNNCE!"? Are you looking for a challenge? Do You Watch Project Runway? Do you spend longer than 15 minutes on your hair? No, but seriously, are you gay? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, you belong in a Gay Bar. Gay bar's are crazy. They're like dance bars without the attitude of all the douchebag Italians.
PIctured: Antarctica's Only Gay Bar


Topless Bar
Common Features: Boobs. Naked.
Do I Belong? Are you a male with very little chance of getting laid tonight? Are you married and shameless? Do you like seeing girls naked? Did your dad not love you enough? Do you hate yourself and project that onto women? Are you a Senator? Do you watch porn daily? Do you like crappy buffets? Do you have an hour to kill during the workday? Are you a black professional athlete? Are you just a creepy dude overall? Are you a girl that has been asked by her boyfriend to go that wants her boyfriend to owe her one so he'll finally take you to that posh new Asian Fusion restaurant on State St.? If you answered yes to two questions, or more, than you belong at a Topless Bar. Congratulations, you aren't getting laid tonight. Unless you pay extra.
Pictured: Winners


I would hope after reading this you now know where you belong. And if you don't think it fits you, then maybe you need to take a look at your life. Go test out my theories tonight, readers. It is Tuesday, after all. Enjoy and thank me later. Until next time, which will likely be my guest blogger Jeremy Kase's first post, I bid you adieu.

What Day Is It Again?

Holidays are fun. I mean, except for Arbor Day. But most are enjoyable. People love celebrating things, no matter how arbitrary or irrelevant. Basically, some people need excuses to drink. And while I sip on my third vodka tonic of this meaningless Sunday night, others need more than just the day to end in "y" to pop a bottle. That's why I've put together a little list. Because lists are like crack to me. Their order is me pipe. And my readers are of course the lighter. But here are The 6 Best Drinking Holidays. If you don't know what's going to win....you clearly need a Guinness.


6. Purim
Origin: It's a Jewish festival to celebrate the deliverance of their people from the Persian Empire. You know, way back in the day. Since they were going to be exterminated, this seems like an OK thing to celebrate. But I mean, if there was a holiday every time the Jewish people were threatened with extermination, the calender would just be the לוּחַ שָׁנָה.
Date: Purim takes place near the end of February, but I can't be sure since 1) I'm not Jewish and 2) I'm not going farther than Wikipedia for this info.
Boozy Influence: I'm not sure, but I hear it's a hell of a mitzvah. There are parades, big meals, giving of gifts, and tons of wine. And since, as everyone knows, those Hebrews party harder than any of us, they eat dessert with....get this....DECAF COFFEE! WHOA! Of course, I'm just kidding. These wildly appropriate parties that take place all through the "erev" with tons of liquor and other awesome stuff that I simply can't describe. Because I don't know what it is and refuse to do any more research.
Torah Torah Torah

5. Cinco De Mayo
Origin: The holiday celebrates the Mexican's victory of the French back in 1962. It is NOT Mexico's Independence Day and isn't as widely celebrated in Mexico as it is in the United States.
Date: I'm going to say that if you can't figure what day "Cinco De Mayo" is on, you belong with Tracy Turnblad in Special Ed. And they said I couldn't fit a Hairspray reference into Cinco De Mayo.
Boozy Influence: Since Americans will do anything for a chance to get "crunk" or whatever, we stole a nearly irrelevant Mexican holiday and BAM! We sip Corona, shoot Tequila, and make bad decisions like that Mexican heart surgeon who smuggled his kids into America to become a landscaper. Not to take anything away from the holiday, since it's one of the best days to celebrate. Mexicans know how to siesta and duermo mucho. I know. Crazy stuff.
Don't Drinko and Driveo

4. Halloween
Origin: It was a Celtic holiday that was adopted by the people who did everything awesome for this country, Irish immigrants, and its traditions spread like a California Wildfire that Arnold Schwarzanaegger doesn't know how to deal with--because he has no political experience. He's a bodybuilder. The United States of California, Ladies and Gents.
Date: Come on. October 31. EVERY YEAR, OVER AND OVER, TRICK OR TREAT, CASPER THE DAMNED FRIENDLY GHOST!
Boozy Influence: You know the drill. Girls, get your slutty costumes out. Guys, don't try too hard and just be simple and creative. Get drunk. Take off costumes. "Bob for apples." Get your "tricks or treats." Light your joints with a pumpkin. And make out with the other girl that's wearing the same slutty cheerleader costume. Wait, that's not a costume? Ummmm....Ooops! (runs far.)
The Girl In the Green Forgot She's Not 11

3. Mardi Gras
Origin: Simple. It's a designated party date to get out all your craziness before you don't ever drink, especially on St. Patrick's Day, Spring Break, or during the day on a random Saturday when you're bored.
Date: The last day before Lent begins. Sometimes, people party past midnight and it's like "Uh Oh!"
Boozy Influence: It's a damned carnival. People go to St. Louis or New Orleans, take to the treats dressed up as French pedofiles and get hammered. Because you know why? Because it's Tuesday, damnit! For the non-Christians, Mardi Gras is the same thing as it is for Christians. Get on that extra awesome pinata and wave to the crowd as you do your best Lady Di impression and....you know what? I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Let's just keep the line moving.
Not Recommended for People With Irrational Fear of Weird French MakeUp

2. New Years
Origin: The World Started.
Date: I'll give you a hint: no I won't.
Boozy Influence: Probably the biggest social holiday in the United States, New Years is a time to pop a cork, party with friends, and kiss strangers at midnight. Fireworks, fun, and frolicking along the boulevard. I know how that's I spend my new year's. Except last year. I dislocated my knee. People listen to "The New Year" by ABBA and drinking sparkling apple juice while holding hands with their best girl watching Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve, all the while hoping some little known blogger doesn't write about it 35 years ago while mocking them. But he will. OH! HE WILL!
Bongo Is Not Happy With You


1. ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Origin: The feast day of the snake murdering, English-hating, all-around awesome dude, St. Patrick. He'd totally pwn you.
Date: MARCH 17TH! YOU KNOW THIS! BAH!!!!!!
Boozy Influence: We dye things green, wear green, drink green beer, and we wear green condoms. WE DO IT ALL BECAUSE THE IRISH HAVE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING TO MAKE THIS WORLD AWESOME. YOU CAN"T DENY IT! YOU LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT! RAISE UP POLISH, GERMAN, FRENCH, ITALIAN, GREEK, AFRICAN, LATINO, ASIAN, AUSTRALIAN, CANADIAN, CHILEAN, AND ANTARCTIC ESKIMO PEOPLE, FOR IT IS THE IRISH YOU LOVE! WE EVEN ATE POTATOES FOR YEARS AT A TIME JUST SO YOU CAN PARTY ONE DAY A YEAR! NOT TRUE? THEN HOW DID I ADD IT TO WIKIPEDIA?!?! Grab a Guinness, take a shot of whiskey, and kiss me, i'm Irish. ERIN GO FUCKING BRAGH!
Photo of Dublin's River Liffey on St. Patty's Day, taken by yours truly

Enough. Capiche. Blahdey Blah Blah. You enjoyed it, I know, thank you. You know, I can't hear you, you don't actually have to give me a standing ovation. Ha, oh, this is just too flattering. Anyways, I love ya'll but i gots to hit and run. As usual, I know. But you know I'll be back soon enough. Until then....BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Blurry Between the F-Sharp and B-Flat

A new week, a new chance for you to catch up on my shrill writings about your favorite beverage: alcohol. I'm in a sing-songy mood, or whatever the adults are calling these days, and I feel like writing a bit about tunes. So I've decided to do just that. Obviously. Or this wouldn't be my intro, would it? I mean, what kind of writer would I be if I just rambled on and on and on about nothing in my introduction? You wouldn't even know what I am about to blog about! Anyways let's get started.

(Your Favorite Bloggers 8 Favorite Songs About Alcohol.)
(Hint: Your favorite blogger is me, not Perez Hilton. I don't even know why your head would go there. Seems kind of mean.)

8. "Who's Got the Hooch?"-Everything
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Who's got the hooch, baby? Who's got the only sweetest thing in the world?"
Why It Cracks the List: Personally, I think this song is beyond recognition, all sorts of terrible. At least...UNTIL I HEARD IT AGAIN. Now I can't get this damn thing out of my head every time it comes up on shuffle. Is it a good song? Probably not. But it won't go away. So it makes my list. FOR NOW.


7. "I Kissed a Drunk Girl"-Something Corporate
Favorite Alcy Lyrics: "Everyone there was gone, her little cousin was passed out on the lawn."
Why it Cracks the List: Because I am personally obligated to include an Andrew McMahon song in every list I ever do about music. Also, I've been listening to Something Corporate for almost a decade. This song, not even close to SoCo's best, is the only Andy song I could find that is purely about drinking. And it's not THAT bad. I mean, it's about making out with a drunk girl. We've all done that before. Even the girl(s) reading.


6. "Let's Get Fucked Up and Die"-Motion City Soundtrack
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "God damn the liquor store's closed, we were so close to scoring."
Why it Cracks the List: Kind of a downer, but still a great tune. It's like, screw it, let's get hammered and fuck the consequences. Even though the song is about the lead singer's alcoholism, I still say it encourages drinking and having a good time. And it's a really fun song. I mean, to me at least. Maybe I just see the boozy goodness in all things awesome. Who cares? It's a damn good song about getting drunk as a skunk.


5. "Drunken Lament"-Ludo
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Pour the rum in my eyes, tell me lies."
Why It Cracks the List: Another kind of downer but at least it's semi-catchy. Not a song I really expect anyone reading to like, because it's kind of like indie pop-punkish, but this is my list damnit. And I will bore you to death if I feel like it. WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! Sorry, I love you all. Anyways, this song rocks my proverbial drunken socks off.


4. "Hot Mess"-Cobra Starship
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Stumblin' but yeah, you're still lookin' hella-fine!"
Why it Cracks the List: This is the song on the list that I will (and probably should) get the most shit for. It's an insanely poppy song, with insanely ridiculous lyrics, from an insanely preposterous band. And I love every damned second of it. Criticize, make fun, do what you will, but know this is probably what I'm singing in my car when I'm on my way to pick you as the DD. (interpret DD anyway you want)


3. "Bright Future in Sales"-Fountains of Wayne
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "Seven scotch and sodas at the office party, now I don't remember where I'm from."
Why it Cracks the List: Yes, this is that "Stacy's Mom"-song band. But they are oh-so-much more to me and this song pretty much describes a business alcoholic. And I think it's devilishly catchy. And so does your mom. Just kidding. She probably hasn't heard this song.


2. "The Science of Selling Yourself Short"-Less Than Jake
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "I've been spending my time at the local liquor store, and I've been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor."
Why it Cracks the List: This song has been one of my favorites for a long time. Even though it's extremely depressing when you listen to the lyrics, it never fails to make me happy. Maybe it's the inclusion of so many instruments, maybe because it makes me feel better about myself. I don't know. And I don't care. I don't ask questions when I like a song. I just listen on.


1. "Saturday Night"-Lucky Boys Confusion
Favorite Alcy Lyric: "This room is like a bottle...it's never full enough!"
Why it Cracks the List: From one of, if not my, favorite bands, "Saturday Night" is a song I think I try and listen to every Saturday Night I go out since the beginning of high school. Probably my number one "Pump-Up" song for going out, it has been part of going out routine, which basically means I listen to it when I'm pre-gaming on Saturday nights. But it wins. For so many reasons.
"Saturday Night"-LBC


Well that'll about do it. Like I said, these were MY favorite songs about alcohol. So obviously everyone and their 2-year old sister/niece/daughter is going to disagree with the list. I hope you enjoyed at least a few of the entries. I'm sure I'll be back here for more later in the week. Until next time, (insert however you say "have a good one" in Arabic since I'm too lazy to look that up)

Yes, It Started Feeling Like October and Any Time You Want Me, Annie, You Should Indeed Use Your Telescope : The October Mailbag

It's back once again. The featurette that keeps you coming back for more and more, without regard for human decency. What does that even mean? WHO CARES?! Sit back, relax, crack open an ice cold Cranberry Apple Snapple, and enjoy yet another version of what you all know and love. It's The October Mailbag. Just make sure your snapple has a lil' kick to it.

Q: So Mike, What are you going to be for Halloween? An "AA Member"? Ha! All you'd have to do is wear a nametag!
--S. Tyler, East St. Louis, IL.
A: Me and my buddy were planning on being "Len and Bob," the Cubs TV broadcasters. But now I'm thinking I may need to be the guy that kicks your ass.

Q: Can you shed some light on this whole Roman Polanski situation for me and the blog?

--j. Morneau, Minneapolis, MN.
A: I don't really want to be a downer, but I will shed a teeny bit o' light on it. See Polanski is a great director. Without him, we wouldn't have Chinatown, Rosemary's Baby, or The Pianist. But here's the scoop: he drugged up a 13 year old on champagne and Quaaludes, took naked pictures of her, and raped her. Anyone that says he doesn't deserve to rot in jail for the rest of his life is an idiot. Any Hollywood figure that supports him because he makes great movies is a douchebag and should get an "aiding and abetting" charge. Hell, I hope Polanski lives til he's 115 just so he gets the sentence he deserves.

Q: Hey drunkstuff, what would the price of beer need to be at a bar for you to just say: "You know what? I'm not drinking tonight."
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: Um...in this economy, almost any price is too much. But seriously, if I had a full wallet and was out, the highest price for a beer that I'd pay would be $5. And I'm talking for like a Guinness or 312. Not PBR. I'm not a total sucker. Although I did get a free sucker from the bank today. It was green apple. Not gonna lie, totally made my day.

Q: Say you're out for your birthday. Your buddy buys you a shot of a whiskey or something that you've always wanted to try that's like $40 a shot. Some drunk guy just comes up and takes the shot off the bar. What'd ya do?
--R. Sterling, New York City, NY.
A: First, I'd ask him "What the fuck?" Second, I'd ask him to buy the shot for me. As he would almost definitely not, I would, on behalf of my friend's generosity, order a beer to pour on said man. Then he'd hit me, I'd be knocked down. Then we both would get kicked out of the bar, but since it's my birthday, I'd just walk to a nearby bar. I mean, it's my birthday. A silly lil fight isn't going to ruin it.

Q: Who's the absolute worst and absolute best ESPN sportscaster?
--T. Roosevelt, Helena, MT.
A: The best sportscaster on ESPN, in my opinion, is Tim Kurkijan. I love that man, he could tell me lies about baseball for hours and I'd believe every single one. As for the worst, I would have to say Stuart Scott. I hate that lazy eyed man. Not because of his lazy eye, more because he is such a white-black guy that it's more see through than a wet t-shirt contest. Please, Stu. Embrace you're inner whiteness. "Boo-ya" went out of style in 1999.

Q: Is there a band out there that you would break up with someone for liking them?

--B. Mays, Heaven (or Hell).
A: Me? Probably not. But my loathtred for Nickelback and Creed is almost to the point where I would never let them drive, ever, so I'd pick the music every time. Sorry, those bands are more ear-infection-inducing than me on karaoke night. And anyone who's seen that is probably still taking their meds.

Q: What's the verdict here on drunk texting?
--W. Smith, Bel-Air, CA.
A: Drunk texting is a gloriously terrible thing. On one hand, it's so much easier than drunk dialing. On the other, it's so much easier than drunk dialing. Easy access and the lack of actual talking make it easier to say stupid things and easier to say stuff that we may think of but wouldn't actually say. There's no reason you shouldn't drunk text. It'll just let your true self out into the open. And everyone wants that. Especially potential girl/boy friends.

Q: What TV character would you most want to get drunk with?
--M.Scott, Scranton, PN.
A: All cool Mike Dolan aside, I'm going with my inner nerd here. I would totally love to get drunk with Desmond Hume from LOST. Also, I feel like I've answered this question in a previous mailbag. If I have to explain my answer, then you don't watch LOST. Desmond just straight up rocks the boat that is my life. In a totally bromantic way.

Q: What is the absolute lowest you would go for a free drink? Be honest, I don't want some evasive crap answer.
--V.Vaughn, Crappy Rom-Com Land, Hollywood.
A: I'd dance on a bar without my shirt on without fear of getting kicked out. Is that degrading enough? No? I'd dance on the bar without my shirt on while singing Miley Cyrus. Only for a top shelf cocktail though.

Q: On Monday October 5th, ESPN is attempting to break the record for most times saying "Brett Favre" on a television broadcast. Fair or foul?
--M. Forte, FantasyBustland, IL.
A: Here's what's gonna happen. Let's all pitch in and buy an hour on public access TV and just repeat "BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE ESPN SUCKS BRETT FAVRE" over and over until we break the record. Then, ESPN would have a bad publicity war, especially when I submit the video to Fox Sports. Then, I will be in the Guinness Book of World Records and preserve my legacy of spite and awesomeness. Take that, ESPN, I will beat you at being epically lame.

Q: Have you "kissed a drunk girl"? Would you tell someone "damn you look good and I'm drunk"? Have you ever "blamed it on the al-al-al-alcohol"? Are you "love drunk or hungover"? Are you "dulling the day with a drink in a parking garage by a theatre"?
--E. Brokovich, HoDunk, MS.
A: I love this question. Of course I've kissed a drunk girl, I think a better question is if I kissed a sober one. Of course I would tell someone that, especially if said person was looking mighty fine and I was drunk. Everyone's blamed in on the alcohol, Jaime, it's just one of those things I have to do to live with myself. I'm not hungover and I'm not sure what "love drunk" actually is and I haven't had anything to drink today, so neither? Oh. I will be. Soooooooooooon.

Q: So Tom Arnold and I went out for a beer last night, one thing led to another and we ended up hooking up. Does this one encounter make me gay, considering I was drunk?
--M. Moore, Pretentiousville, Washington DC.
A: Um...you aren't gay. Just desperate.

Q: How many times a week is "too much" when it comes to masturbation? For guys and girls, please.
J. Louis-Dreyfus, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Too much? Listen, nobody likes talking about this in front of the opposite sex. But let's be honest for a second: regardless of personal feelings on the subject, it's a natural thing. I think though, that if you average more than once a day, that's a problem and you should probably start spending your money on drinks for women at bars rather than subscriptions to porn. Just saying. Also, if girls think that guys don't like hearing that they masturbate, they are wrong. Also, just sayin'.

Q: Quick. I'm having a party in 10 minutes and I need an obscene drinking game that nobody's played before to get people so drunk they barely remember being here. GO!
Rev. A. Sharpton, New York City, NY.
A: OK OK OK OK OK....uhhhhh....uhhhh.....HERE I GOT IT! Set up a game of beer pong BUT fill up 4 cups with shots of something. Fill the others up with beer. Have a round robin tournament. OR you could play wine pong (aka Greek Pong), which is equally as mind blowing/erasing.

Q: Who's the one celebrity, that if they died, you would be most shaken by their death?

--W. Goldber, New York City, NY.
A: Wow. Um. I think that if Jay Cutler died, the entire city of Chicago's heads would instantaneously explode out of sheer disbelief. Like, the city would literally lose it. Tears of grown men on the way to work, women OMGing on their cell phones. But not me. Mine would be Morgan Freeman. What? Guy was in Shawshank. Shaw fucking Shank.

Q: If you could meet one person, living or dead, for just one night, but then would never come within 5 miles of him/her again for the rest of your life, who would it be?
K. Nealon, San Fransisco, CA.
A: Andrew McMahon. You ask me this question like I asked it to myself! Ha! The lead singer of Jack's Mannequin/Something Corporate is pretty much my favorite person alive. Although I would have to sacrifice seeing him live, I could never deny the opportunity to sit down with that man. Dude survive cancer and he's still making music with his eyes closed. Fucking hero right there. Ok, back to stuff more people than just me care about.

Q: Why don't more people like, listen to, and respect 3OH!3 more? Their musical talent is ridiculous.
--Chumbuwumba, London, England.
A: Because people are stupid and they just can't respect musical talent when they here it. Radiohead? Led Zepplin? The Beatles? What are people even thinking? Their talent is so lacking it makes William Hung look like a musical genius. 3OH!3 has the courage to just go balls to the wall and go for it. And guess what? They hit it on the nail every damn time.
(This answer sponsored by sarcasm.)

Q: What would be the best idea for a wedding ever? I need to know, since I'm probably getting married soon.
--T. Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: OK, this is weird. But there's this band I like called "The White Tie Affair" and I just think that's the perfect name for a wedding band. So if they played, then if everyone wore White Ties, that would be so awesome I wouldn't even know how to handle all the greatness in the room. Oh, and obviously I'm going to have an open bar, but only if the bartender talks in an Irish/Australian accent all night. Also, my first dance is going to be an acoustic version of "Jack's Mannequin- Made For Each Other." But I haven't really thought about it.

Q: What's a perfect night for you? Also, can you answer this entire question only using Jack's Mannequin lyrics?
J. Kase, Chicago, IL.
A: Ehem, if you please. "This is morning, it's when I spend the most time writing your songs by a palm tree. Hours pass, I wanna hear some music. I deconstruct my thoughts, dulling the day with a drink in my boxcar on the beach. I swim across an ocean, fill our cups and light one up. Hours pass and now there's no turning back. I drink gin and watch the news. Miss Delaney lets me drive her car so I can score an eighth from the lesbians out west in Venice. She's raising hell, I'm coming home from the mansion where i hide. I read your books, but stay out late, here til close. This night's a perfect shade of lights and buzz. I'm weak in the knees, her black designer dress in my car where it's warm. On 3rd street, I see Arizona stars, we made out until the sun came up. Fuck yeah, we can live like this."
(This answer sponsored by how awesome I am.)

Q: What's the best drunk scene in a movie this year?
--S. Seagal, Oakland, CA.
A: The easy answer would be some scene from The Hangover, but you never really seem them drunk. So I'd say the best drunk scene from a movie is when Paul Rudd projectile vomits all over that guy in "I Love You, Man." Or the drunk karaoke scene in "(500) Days Of Summer," the best movie of the year.

Q: Is there any surefire way to get rid of a hangover? I mean, I keep trying different things but nothing works.
K. Orton, Denver, CO.
A: Every hangover is different or everyone would treat hangovers the exact same. Here are the most effective ways of dealing with a hangover: marijuana, caffeine, greasy food, sleep. In that order. (What? Just because my initials are "M.F.D." doesn't mean I'm a Mother Fucking Doctor.)

FINAL QUESTIONNNNNNNNNNN
Q: Say you're out at a club. You're clearly too drunk to dance, but you're dancing, letting loose, whatever. That blonde across the room is eyeing you a little bit. So you go and ask her to dance. You two start making out. Eventually you get back to your place, start fooling around, blah blah blah. What is a proper reaction to reaching down there and "not finding what you expect", so to speak?
--T. Harding, Anchorage, AK.
A: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............whaaaaaaaaaaat? Give me a second to compose myself. Ugh, ok. Um. I would kick her out/leave and take sleeping pills or roofies, pass out, and hope I didn't remember that in the morning. Or I would tape the whole encounter and send it to your boss. Either way, it's up to you. And it's a big big big big big failllllllllure.

Hope you LOL'd enough to be satisfied with this month's mailbag. As always, I apologize if you didn't laugh or cry. Anyways, that's it. As always, I'll see you soon. Stay happy peoples and remember: if you can't laugh at my blog, read it more closely. You're missing something. It's funny as hell.
Bye Bye!