Origins of Obscenity

When people are drinking, it's commonplace to get louder and looser with obscene language. But everywhere we go, there's different types of vulgarity. What is offensive here might go unnoticed somewhere else. I thought you should know this the next time you're traveling. Here's a Dolan's Guide to Foreign Offensive Hand Gestures.


V-Sign

Where It's Used: Britain, Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand.
What It Means: "Fuck off, you (French) twat"
It's Origins: During the 100 years war between France and Great Britain, the French would often threaten to cut off the shooting fingers (middle and index) of any archers that were captured. British archers would flash this v-sign (with the palm facing yourself, not the person you're flashing it to) in a sign of utter defiance. Also, they probably didn't believe the French would cut them off anyone. After all, they're French. The only war they've won is against themselves (French Revolution).


Bras d'honneur

Where It's Used: Spain, Portugal, Latin America, Italy, Poland, Russian countries.
What It Means: "Up Yours" or "Fuck Off"
It's Origins: Originated presumably in France, where everything dirty seemingly originates. The bras d'honneur (the arm of honor) is an insulting gesture since it implies someone sticking something so far up a certain opening that it can't go any further. Otherwise, there really is no origin story. Originally though, the French meant to be an ironic pick-up line in bars, since they have small penises.

Moutza

Where It's Used: Greece
What It Means: "Eat Shit" or "Take That"
It's Origins: In 7th Century BC Byzantine (now Istanbul, Turkey), a chained criminal would be paraded around town, sitting on a donkey with their face covered in cinder. Since "moutza" was the word for cinder in ancient Greek, it became known as an insult for a common criminal. Another theory is that these criminals had poop thrown at them and the moutza is how the thrower of poop's hand ended up after they threw it. It's vitally important that, when in Greece, you don't wave goodbye to anyone or show them the number 5 with your hands. Your wine will otherwise be garnished with a bit of saliva.

Open Palm

Where It's Used: Some African and Caribbean countries.
What It Means: "You Have 5 fathers" or "You're a bastard"
It's Origins: Since the loss of parents is much more common in poorer countries like Africa and Caribbean countries, there are more orphans than you could imagine. Thus, one of the more popular and offensive insults is the open palm, basically calling someone a bastard. It's really a sad insult, as poverty really has no winners. And if you did it in America someone would just give you a high five. Which might explain why that Egyptian guy was pissed at me when I high-fived him after spilling my drink on him last week.

Thumbs Up

Where It's Used: Iran, Afghanistan, Nigeria, and parts of Italy/Greece
What It Means: "Sit on my dick, asshole" (hey, don't blame me. i'm just the messenger....of awesomeness!)
It's Origins: Contrary to popular belief, in Ancient Roman gladiator battles, a thumbs up actually meant that the gladiator was to be killed, not spared. In many movies such as Gladiator and Spartacus, they get this historical fact very wrong. Thus, it already had the stigma of being the signal of death, so it made a very smooth transition to being the signal of someone calling you an asshole. Thus, if you're in any of the above areas, you might wanna find a different hand signal if you're gonna hitchhike. But if you're hitchhiking in Nigeria, Iran, or Afghanistan....hand signals are probably the least of your worries.

The Great Alcohol Debate: Liquor Before Beer or Beer Before Liquor?

Long since man created the spirits that take the brain and liver out of commission, a debate has raged on: what's the optimal strategy for drinking both liquor and beer in the same evening? Which one comes first? Does it even matter? Well, drunken morons have argued for centuries as to which one actually works. I've set out to end the debate once and for all. Ladies and Gentlemen, Which Comes First: Liquor or Beer?

The Case For Liquor Before Beer
Is It Funnier Because the Kid's Asian? I Didn't Say It...
The Case For: Evidence for liquor before beer is vague but we don't source things here at the blog! Liquor is somewhat safer to drink, actually, than beer. At bars, liquor is usually watered down by using very little liquor compared to mixer. Liquor obviously gets you drunk much faster, but in terms of avoiding getting sick, it can be beneficial to start with booze over brew. Liquor, when mixed with any sort of carbonated drink, gets absorbed much, much quicker than beer. But if you drink liquor first and drink beer at the same pace, then it will actually help you sober up a little bit. Beer obviously has much less alcohol content and is absorbed much slower that liquor. As long as you stay on the same pace, you'll be less drunk than you would think at the end of a "Liquor before Beer" night. That is, of course, unless you are a 4-foot, 9-inch, Jewish epileptic girl. Then you'll just puke.
Celebrity Endorsement: Jack Bauer: Saving the World Without Pants On.



The Case for Beer Before Liquor
Dad Would Be So Proud (If That's Not His Kid, That Is. Then He'll Be...You Know...I've Said Too Much"
The Case For: Beer is a delicious drink--anyone who's had a one-night stand with a fatty would know (Ed's Note: What the Fuck are you talking about?). As said before, beer is absorbed much slower than liquor. There's no reason to trust what I say, but trust this: beer has less alcohol in it than booze right? Less alcohol means you will be less drunk by the time you start drinking liquor right? By asking questions that are vague and almost nonsensical, am I just delaying the fact that I really have nothing smart to say about this particular topic? I know you are, but what am I? You know, I always thought Matt Damon was kind of a Streisand but he really rocked the shit out of the Bourne movies. Ammmm I right or am I right or am I right? Ahhhh this is pathetic.
Celebrity Endorsement: Fozzie Bear. He makes as much sense as the rest of this, doesn't he?


The Verdict: There really is no verdict. I've made a list to explain which situations which rule applies.

Occasions for Liquor Before Beer:
-Going Out to Hit On Opposite Sex
-If You Need to Drive
-St. Patrick's Day
-Cinco De Mayo
-Norwegian Day of Independence
-When You Just Wanna Dance to Whitney Houston and Let Loose.

Occasions for Beer Before Liquor:
-21st Birthday
-Days You Crave Death
-If You're Going to a Cubs Day Game
-Cold Days
-When You Can't Afford Anything But a 6-Pack of Schlitz, a Slushy, and a Handle of Skol.
-The Day Your Girlfriend/Friend that's a Girl Finds Your Porn Stash
-The Day You Have a Ginger Male Child

There. I think I've covered most occasions. Just know this: when you're drinking to get really drunk, it really doesn't matter. Just do it.

Be responsible. Or don't, I don't know. My blog is on a list of Anti-Alcohol Websites for a reason.

Immorally Yours,
Senor Pepe