The mailbag is back and it's heating up, both outside and in the mailroom. What do I mean? Oh, I just mean that the questions are getting more controversial, but not so controversial where I have to explain myself. But let's get down to it. The June Mailbag.
Q: What do you think of the Blackhawks doing so well, about to get a championship for your poor sports city?
--A. Pujols, St. Louis, MO.
A: I'm not the biggest hockey fan, but I do appreciate what they are doing for the city. I mean, I'm not going to start a Fantasy Hockey league but I will fair-weather fan it when they are playing well for the good of the city. After all, it's strange to see a sports team I like do well, being a Cubs fan and all.
Q; With the World Cup coming up, can you give us some pointers and possibly a drinking game for the tournament?
--Kaka, Brasilia, Brazil.
A: If you don't regularly watch soccer, then just sit back and enjoy without trying to understand it. If you enjoy that, then good. Look up the rules, because I'm not explaining soccer offsides to ANYONE. Here's a great drinking game for the World Cup:
--Do a shot for every goal.
--Drink two for every yellow card.
--Drink four for every red card.
--Drink one for every foul.
--Drink two for every word the announcers say that you are not familiar with.
--Drink every time they mention that the World Cup is in Africa.
--Drink every time the English announcers overrate the England team
You should be hammered from the last two alone.
Q: Say you're me. Say you have to chance to have sex with the girl of your dreams--not a celebrity--but you had to get chlamydia. Do I do it?
--J. Beam, Mobile, AL.
A: STD's are curable these days, aren't they? I say go for it, then get yourself some penicillin. Having chlamydia makes you sound like a hooker.
Q: What country would you say has the highest quality beer altogether?
--J. Foxx, LA, CA
A: What blog do you think you're at? Normally, I would say Ireland to anything that involves me picking a favorite. Unfortunately, besides Guinness, I don't find any other Irish beers to be that amazing. The Czech Republic and Belgium are both solid bets. I don't think I've ever had a bad Belgian or Czech beer.
Q: You've come home from a long day. You're extremely tired. What would you rather do: girl on top or get head?
--C. Bradshaw, NY, NY.
A: Girl on top. Granted, getting head is ALWAYS great. But girl on top is awesome. I just feel like girl on top is alot sexier than getting head. Sex is sex is sex is awesome. How old am I? (I'm over 18, ladies, that's all you need to know)
Q: Can you disprove three theories that women's magazine's think about men? Please, do it for us all.
--G. Lazenby, London, Eng.
A: "20 Shoes Men Love" (Cosmopolitan), "7 Signs He'll Never Marry You" (Cosmopolitan), "10 Sexy Sex and the City 2 Hairstyles" (Cosmo)
"20 Shoes Men Love"--I've never looked at a woman's shoes and said "Mmm that is hot." Black heels are fine with me and I don't really NEED anything else.
"7 Signs He'll Never Marry You"--It said "If your FB profile is limited" and "If his friends are distant." Listen, some people can't tag drunken pictures because they a) have jobs, b) are friends with relatives, c) don't want to seem like a douchebag. How bout spending time getting to know him instead of creeping on FB? And maybe, just maybe, his friends just don't like you. If he loves you enough, he would. Trust me, I've known plenty of guys/girls that would marry someone that didn't get along with their friends.
"10 Sexy Hairstyles"--There's no such thing as a sexy hairstyle from Sex and the City 2, since all the women are old/ugly.
Q: Which female celebrity would win a hot body/weird face contest?
--M. Broderick, Detroit, MI.
A: Uma Thurman. She's got a weird face but I find her strangely attractive all the same. As for the loser, it has to be Sarah Jessica Parker. Her face is so bad, I'd probably have a hard time not thinking about it in the pitch black dark. Ughhhhh.
Q: What is stupider: swimming in a pool while hammered or trying to climb a tree hammered? Keep in mind, there is beer up in the tree.
--M. Gibson, Las Vegas, NV.
A: Let's be honest: both are really, really fun. Not that I reccommend it to anyone or anything. I would have to say the stupider one is also the funner one: climbing a tree while hammered and drinking in a tree. Have you ever gotten drunk in a tree house?! FUCKING EPIC.
Q: Is there a protocol for drinking while your wife is pregnant? Obviously, she can't really drink at all. Are there any rules to this situation?
--S. Strasburg, Washington, DC.
A: I'm not sure there's an exact science to it. It depends how your wife is but I would stray away from drinking anymore than one single beer or one glass of wine. These are what nights out with friends are for--although you probably won't get many. If you really want/need to, then say you have to stay an extra hour for work and go to Happy Hour. Things like that. After all, there's nothing more important to a new marriage than lying about going out drinking after work when your wife's pregnant.
Q: Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper died this week. Can you give us some of your favorite moments from them, on screen or otherwise?
--K. Reeves, ?????
A: Gary Coleman? Was that the bald guy who used to play for the 76ers? As for Dennis Hopper, well, the man was awesome at playing weird villain types. The following two clips are probably my favorite:
Q: Quick--Dispel the myth that people go to Wrigley Field only to drink and party and not to watch the Cubs play baseball.
--G. Coleman, Seattle, WA.
A: I'm a die-hard Cubs fan but nobody can dispel this myth. Most people go to Cubs games to get drunk and have a good time. There are some, like myself, who go to watch the actual baseball game. But that doesn't mean I don't love Wrigley Field. Hell, besides them getting a real scoreboard, there's nothing wrong with it. So it's old? So is my Grandma, that doesn't mean I want to get a new one.
Q: The Subject: Lindsay Lohan. The Question: How many times do you have to wrap it?
--S. Monster, Lost Island.
A: More times than a Cuban cigar. I feel like having sex with Lindsay Lohan, at this point, would be like sticking your penis in a nuclear reactor--who knows how it will come out.
Q: Lee DeWyze is from your hometown and he won American Idol. Is he now the most famous person to ever live in your town?
--P. Hilton, Blogville.
A: No, one of the Spice Girls was born next door to me. Jackass.
Q: How drunk is too drunk for BBQ parties?
--S. Soo-Choo, Cleveland, OH.
A: Depending on the rationing of beer and if you're driving (be safe kids!), it doesn't matter. The hosts want to get rid of all the stuff, especially the crappy beer that your aunt bought two cases of just for herself when she can barely finish 2 bottles. Drink and eat up, that's what the summer is for. Well, that and watching Mexicans cut lawns. It's like an art form!
Q: What would you rather do: have a beer with Obama or a boxing match against him?
--S. Sosa, Santiago, Chile.
A: Instead of asking him about the economy or health care, I'd like to ask him how his FACE is doing after I smash it! Ha-HA! I actually don't have anything against Obama really, I just think it'd be pretty badass to fight a President. Especially since I'd lose.
Q: If you could go back in time and go to one party, which party would it be and why?
--R. Gould, Chicago, IL.
A: Any single one of Hugh Hefner's Birthday parties. It really is that simple. Silly bunny, tricks are for me. What? I don't know, let's move on.
Q: Who is the most annoying/your least favorite sports anchor on ESPN?
--S. Scott, Bristol, CN.
A: God damn it all if I don't hate Chris Berman but he's not even the winner. No, it has to be either Stephen A. Smith or Skip Bayless. What the hell is the matter with those guys? IF I NEEDED TO HEAR YOU TALK LOUDER, I'D TURN MY VOLUME UP. Put them in a room and let them argue together until one of them has a brain hemorrhage.
Q: What is the appropriate amount of drinking that you can do if your boss is present at a company event/happy hour? Conversely, when is it ok to drink at work, if ever?
--F. Lapidus, West Lafeyette, IN.
A: It's appropriate to keep pace with the boss. Depending on your job/boss, you don't want to be hitting on secretaries in front of him. He's got first dibs on them anyway. If the boss leaves work, then I'd say if you got a partner in crime, go for it. Especially if that person is hot. There's nothing hotter than a hot partner in a hot crime.
Q: Which animal would be the funniest to get drunk with if it could talk? The least funny?
--S. Kitison, Hell.
A: Penguins would just be slip sliddin' around. HAhAHAHA. Just imagine it. The least funny would probably be a cat. I hate cats, they're so droll.
Q: What if you hook up with an older lady and it lasts one night. You then meet a young girl and start dating her for a while. You meet her parents and OH! that older lady you hooked up with before you guys met is her mom--and she's still married to the girls dad. What is the appropriate reaction, if any, to this situation?
--J. Chamberlain, NY, NY.
A: That is one of the more awkward situations I've ever heard of. I don't know how that situation could end well, but you HAVE to stay in this relationship until the daughter finds out. Hell, just tell her. That is TOO GOOD of a story to not have. Imagine their reactions! Family dinners = never the same!
Showing posts with label mailbag. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mailbag. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Yes, I've Been Caught Masturbating Before But It's Not As Embarrassing As You Think And Other Strange Admissions: The May Maylbag
Hey oh Hey oh, welcome back to the segment that most of know, love, cherish, and sometimes touch yourself to, the Mailbag! This month is a special mailbag, The Maylbag will consist only of questions regarding sex. Oh yeah. Sex. And alcohol. Be about it. Now, if you'll excuse the introduction, it's time to get down to business. Here's the Sexy May Maylbag. As always, these are real questions from fake readers. Onward!
Q: If you could be one body part during sex, what would you be?
--D. Bryant's Mom, Dallas, TX.
A: Hmmm. I think I would be one of the kneecaps. Think about it: you get to see everything that's going on. Although I do have bad knees so it might hurt to be a knee. Ugh. Maybe I'd be a boob. That's pretty much been my dream anyway.
Q: What would be better place to have sex: firing range or hood of a Lamburghini?
--Z. Braff, Oakland, CA.
A: In the moment, it has to be the firing range. There is just something that turns people on being in a firing range, let me tell you. They get that rush of adreneline from shooting the gun. Shooting that paper guy wettens the pussy. Trust me. (Ed.'s Note: Trusting Michael is misguided and dangerous. Do not trust him.)
Q; Is there any way to turn sex into a drinking game? HELP!
--B. Levinson, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Well that is just a brilliant idea, isn't it? Let's set it up like this: it'd have to be shots, because, unless you're Sting, sex probably won't last much longer than a half-hour, if that. Take a shot every time you switch positions. Take a shot every time the girl orgasms. Take a shot every time something unusual in introduced (this is entirely up to you, as to what is unusual. I'm not a judger, I'm a smudger. Uhhhh...) And finally, take two shots for every time someone else's name is screamed during sex. That's always the funnest thing. You'll need the booze if that happens.
Q: When is it OK to go from ass-to-mouth? I only ask because people poop out of their butts and I just watched "The Human Centipede."
--Koko the Monkey, San Diego, CA.
A: I certainly didn't need to know anything about your poop but thanks. I say there's nothing wrong with almost any sexual act as long as it's consensual and I don't have to watch fat people do it. But that's just me.
Q: Recently, I saw Jay Cutler out a bar in the city when I was with my girlfriend. That being said, who would be the worst athlete that you a significant could ever cheat on you with?
--B. Rapelsberger, Pittsburgh, PA.
A: I suppose if you have to be cheated on, it's at least a good story for your girl to do it with a professional athlete. Does Tony La Russa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, count? Cause if it does, then it's him by a million miles. That or Joakim Noah. Really? Noah? Why didn't you just cheat on me with a mustached lesbian?
Q: I was thinking about perhaps the Cubs one day winning the World Series and a thought crossed my head: Would I even want to drink during it? Wouldn't you want to recall every feeling, every emotion as the team has tortured you for so long?
--J Cochran, HeavenOrHell
A: Or you could make one of the best moments in the history of your sports fandom even better by a little beer and whiskey. I think that'd be pretty boring not to. If the Cubs won the World Series, the entire city might literally stop working for a week just to get hammered and drink away the 3 billion years it took to actually win it. God I hate the Cubs. But I love them. Fuck them though.
Q: I just had dinner at your mom's house. Let's just say she cooked some good sausage.
--T. Woods, Helena, MT.
A: My mom has a dick? Sounds like the jokes on you, buddy!
Q: What would you least want to be walked in on: masturbating, giving oral sex, or drinking alone?
--J. Appleseed, Hartford, CT.
A: Seeing as how this is a blog about drinking, I've already gotten caught drinking alone and in my family thats like drinking water. I think I'd least want to get caught masturbating. At least oral sex, you're not a loser, pleasing someone else and all. Masturbating, you're just sitting there by yourself playing with yourself...you should be ashamed of yourself.
Q: Which branch of military in the world would you most want to drink with?
--B. Mac, Deadville
A: Do I get to do it in that country? If so, then the Brazilian National Guard in Rio. If not, then it'd the South Korean Border Patrol. That must be the most boring job of all time. I'd like to cheer them up a little bit.
Q: What are the Top 5 Worst Things A Guy Could Hear From A Girl Say During Sex?
--K. Cattrall, New York , NY.
A: Yikes. OK.
5. "Is that it?"
4. "Wait...are you sure it's in?"
3. "It's ok, it happens to alot of guys"
2. "That's OK, you can stop."
1. "IMPREGNATE ME!"
Q: How bad does a country have to be to not wanna tell anyone you had sex with a girl from it?
--B. Urlacher, Spokane, WA.
A: I'm not sure, I think I'd say the girl's race no matter where she was from, just for the novelty of it. Like, how many people do you know have had sex with a Mongolian girl? Probably none, that's how many.
Q: My girlfriend recently dumped me. How do I get back in the game after so long and get after it again?
--G. Cooper, Fon Du Lac, WI.
A: As I do with most questions that "come in," I suggest you get hammered and have some meaningless sex.
Q: There is a hot Latino girl in my building. She looks early 20s and she comes home drunk an awful lot. Anyways, I'm a single dad and she keeps waking up my kids on Saturday night. What should I do about this?
--J. Smith, Boston, MA.
A: First of all, if you pass up the chance to sleep with this drunk Latina girl in her 20s I will kill myself. If you really want her to shut up on Saturday night, alot of girls enjoy being gagged or choked. I hate your kids and I hate you. SLEEP WITH THIS WOMAN ALREADY.
Q: What is the least fruity fruit to put in beer or cocktails?
--J. Leno, New York NY.
A: I've never been a supporter of fruit-in-beer but if I had to pick one it would be pineapple. Find someone you hate. Throw a lime at someone and see if it hurts, then throw a pineapple at someone and see if it hurts. I think you will be more satisfied with the pineapple.
Q; My boyfriend is on his iPhone ALL THE TIME. No matter what we're doing, it seems like he's always on another App, checking sports scores, or whatever. EVEN RIGHT AFTER SEX! How do I get him to put down the phone more and pay attention to meeeee?
--J. Mayer, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: Have you tried the iPhone? It's delightful. It's got music, apps, and all the ammenities of a regular phone. Your phone is probably a POS. DON'T JUDGE THE SEXINESS OF THE IPHONE. I suggest you get a Kindle so that you can read in front of him. I suspect he will become so annoyed that he will put down the iPhone and start having more sex with you. That's right folks. The secret to getting ass is buying a Kindle.
Q: So when you're out and drinking alot, you're gonna have alot of beer, which is a bit of a pooper-instigator. What's the protocol on pooping at a girls house if it's your first time hooking up?
--D. Patrick, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Ahh, the hook-up poop. Is there a worse poop? Not only do you have to poop in a girl your about to hook up with's toilet, but you have to make sure there's no evidence, visible or olfactory wise. It's a nightmare poop. But it's better than pooping in the bar bathroom. Ugh. You can decide between Venereal Disease or embarrassment. Herpes or no sex. Poop in her pooper, spray some Lysol, and pray to god she doesn't have to go herself.
Q: How come overage girls are allowed to swoon over the underage Justin Bieber and have it not seem creepy but if an overage guy was doing it about Miley Cyrus or some other underage celebrity chick, it'd be just plan creepy? If women want equality in the workplace, schools, and homes, why shouldn't they be subjected to the same societal taboos that men are? Fuck this.
--O. Winfrey, Ft. Lauderdale, FL.
A: Good point. Isn't Justin Bieber a lesbian? That's what I always thought. I believe there was a South Park episode about this type of thing. The kids reported that their little brother was having sex with his teacher and all the cops just said "niceee." It's unfortunate that girls are allowed to feel this way, but it is creepy that they do. They can get away with it more, but it's still CREEPY AS FUCK to be swooning over a 17-year old who is JUST NOW going through puberty. So even if most people think it's not creepy, it still is. It's very weird and creepy. I'd like to punch that kid in the vagina for his crappy music.
Q: How unacceptable is it to get drunk at a WNBA game and constantly scream "IT"S LADIESSSSSSSS NIGHT!"? I mean, there aren't THAT many kids there.
--Bro, LA, CA.
A: Hell, if you had to go, I guess that'd be the way to do it. Although I'd rather just stay at home, get drunk, and make witty comments about how ESPN has an hilarious new sitcom called "Women's Sports."
Q: What would be a better story: having sex outside in a thunderstorm and getting hit by lightning or having a threesome with two Playboy Playmates in the Grotto?
--H. Hefner, San Bernardo, CA.
A: My dick is like LIGHTNING! Yes, definitely the thunderstorm. I don't think I've ever heard of a better way to die. "Here Lies Michael Dolan, who died mid-coitus from a lightning strike." Best tombstone ever.
Q: How long does pubic hair have to be for it to be acceptable to refuse to give oral sex?
--N. Armstrong, Space.
A: My philosophy is that if it's longer/hairier than yours, you can judge it any way you want to. It's not your fault their lazy. Who wants hair in their mouth? It should be enough that you're willing to give oral sex to someone, it shouldn't involve venturing through the enchanted forest. Shave your fucking private parts, people.
Q: I heard you're having some mad sex tonight. How unacceptable is it for couples to talk about their sex lives to their single friends? Is it just plain annoying?
--L. Machido, UFC Center.
A: Listen, an active healthy sex life is very normal for any couple to have. But that's probably who should have it. Your friends don't want to hear about you having sex 2-3 times a day, everyday, even if I accidently say it somehow. It's probably annoying, but you know who's more annoying? Friends who're complaining about not getting laid.
Q: If you could be one body part during sex, what would you be?
--D. Bryant's Mom, Dallas, TX.
A: Hmmm. I think I would be one of the kneecaps. Think about it: you get to see everything that's going on. Although I do have bad knees so it might hurt to be a knee. Ugh. Maybe I'd be a boob. That's pretty much been my dream anyway.
Q: What would be better place to have sex: firing range or hood of a Lamburghini?
--Z. Braff, Oakland, CA.
A: In the moment, it has to be the firing range. There is just something that turns people on being in a firing range, let me tell you. They get that rush of adreneline from shooting the gun. Shooting that paper guy wettens the pussy. Trust me. (Ed.'s Note: Trusting Michael is misguided and dangerous. Do not trust him.)
Q; Is there any way to turn sex into a drinking game? HELP!
--B. Levinson, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Well that is just a brilliant idea, isn't it? Let's set it up like this: it'd have to be shots, because, unless you're Sting, sex probably won't last much longer than a half-hour, if that. Take a shot every time you switch positions. Take a shot every time the girl orgasms. Take a shot every time something unusual in introduced (this is entirely up to you, as to what is unusual. I'm not a judger, I'm a smudger. Uhhhh...) And finally, take two shots for every time someone else's name is screamed during sex. That's always the funnest thing. You'll need the booze if that happens.
Q: When is it OK to go from ass-to-mouth? I only ask because people poop out of their butts and I just watched "The Human Centipede."
--Koko the Monkey, San Diego, CA.
A: I certainly didn't need to know anything about your poop but thanks. I say there's nothing wrong with almost any sexual act as long as it's consensual and I don't have to watch fat people do it. But that's just me.
Q: Recently, I saw Jay Cutler out a bar in the city when I was with my girlfriend. That being said, who would be the worst athlete that you a significant could ever cheat on you with?
--B. Rapelsberger, Pittsburgh, PA.
A: I suppose if you have to be cheated on, it's at least a good story for your girl to do it with a professional athlete. Does Tony La Russa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, count? Cause if it does, then it's him by a million miles. That or Joakim Noah. Really? Noah? Why didn't you just cheat on me with a mustached lesbian?
Q: I was thinking about perhaps the Cubs one day winning the World Series and a thought crossed my head: Would I even want to drink during it? Wouldn't you want to recall every feeling, every emotion as the team has tortured you for so long?
--J Cochran, HeavenOrHell
A: Or you could make one of the best moments in the history of your sports fandom even better by a little beer and whiskey. I think that'd be pretty boring not to. If the Cubs won the World Series, the entire city might literally stop working for a week just to get hammered and drink away the 3 billion years it took to actually win it. God I hate the Cubs. But I love them. Fuck them though.
Q: I just had dinner at your mom's house. Let's just say she cooked some good sausage.
--T. Woods, Helena, MT.
A: My mom has a dick? Sounds like the jokes on you, buddy!
Q: What would you least want to be walked in on: masturbating, giving oral sex, or drinking alone?
--J. Appleseed, Hartford, CT.
A: Seeing as how this is a blog about drinking, I've already gotten caught drinking alone and in my family thats like drinking water. I think I'd least want to get caught masturbating. At least oral sex, you're not a loser, pleasing someone else and all. Masturbating, you're just sitting there by yourself playing with yourself...you should be ashamed of yourself.
Q: Which branch of military in the world would you most want to drink with?
--B. Mac, Deadville
A: Do I get to do it in that country? If so, then the Brazilian National Guard in Rio. If not, then it'd the South Korean Border Patrol. That must be the most boring job of all time. I'd like to cheer them up a little bit.
Q: What are the Top 5 Worst Things A Guy Could Hear From A Girl Say During Sex?
--K. Cattrall, New York , NY.
A: Yikes. OK.
5. "Is that it?"
4. "Wait...are you sure it's in?"
3. "It's ok, it happens to alot of guys"
2. "That's OK, you can stop."
1. "IMPREGNATE ME!"
Q: How bad does a country have to be to not wanna tell anyone you had sex with a girl from it?
--B. Urlacher, Spokane, WA.
A: I'm not sure, I think I'd say the girl's race no matter where she was from, just for the novelty of it. Like, how many people do you know have had sex with a Mongolian girl? Probably none, that's how many.
Q: My girlfriend recently dumped me. How do I get back in the game after so long and get after it again?
--G. Cooper, Fon Du Lac, WI.
A: As I do with most questions that "come in," I suggest you get hammered and have some meaningless sex.
Q: There is a hot Latino girl in my building. She looks early 20s and she comes home drunk an awful lot. Anyways, I'm a single dad and she keeps waking up my kids on Saturday night. What should I do about this?
--J. Smith, Boston, MA.
A: First of all, if you pass up the chance to sleep with this drunk Latina girl in her 20s I will kill myself. If you really want her to shut up on Saturday night, alot of girls enjoy being gagged or choked. I hate your kids and I hate you. SLEEP WITH THIS WOMAN ALREADY.
Q: What is the least fruity fruit to put in beer or cocktails?
--J. Leno, New York NY.
A: I've never been a supporter of fruit-in-beer but if I had to pick one it would be pineapple. Find someone you hate. Throw a lime at someone and see if it hurts, then throw a pineapple at someone and see if it hurts. I think you will be more satisfied with the pineapple.
Q; My boyfriend is on his iPhone ALL THE TIME. No matter what we're doing, it seems like he's always on another App, checking sports scores, or whatever. EVEN RIGHT AFTER SEX! How do I get him to put down the phone more and pay attention to meeeee?
--J. Mayer, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: Have you tried the iPhone? It's delightful. It's got music, apps, and all the ammenities of a regular phone. Your phone is probably a POS. DON'T JUDGE THE SEXINESS OF THE IPHONE. I suggest you get a Kindle so that you can read in front of him. I suspect he will become so annoyed that he will put down the iPhone and start having more sex with you. That's right folks. The secret to getting ass is buying a Kindle.
Q: So when you're out and drinking alot, you're gonna have alot of beer, which is a bit of a pooper-instigator. What's the protocol on pooping at a girls house if it's your first time hooking up?
--D. Patrick, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Ahh, the hook-up poop. Is there a worse poop? Not only do you have to poop in a girl your about to hook up with's toilet, but you have to make sure there's no evidence, visible or olfactory wise. It's a nightmare poop. But it's better than pooping in the bar bathroom. Ugh. You can decide between Venereal Disease or embarrassment. Herpes or no sex. Poop in her pooper, spray some Lysol, and pray to god she doesn't have to go herself.
Q: How come overage girls are allowed to swoon over the underage Justin Bieber and have it not seem creepy but if an overage guy was doing it about Miley Cyrus or some other underage celebrity chick, it'd be just plan creepy? If women want equality in the workplace, schools, and homes, why shouldn't they be subjected to the same societal taboos that men are? Fuck this.
--O. Winfrey, Ft. Lauderdale, FL.
A: Good point. Isn't Justin Bieber a lesbian? That's what I always thought. I believe there was a South Park episode about this type of thing. The kids reported that their little brother was having sex with his teacher and all the cops just said "niceee." It's unfortunate that girls are allowed to feel this way, but it is creepy that they do. They can get away with it more, but it's still CREEPY AS FUCK to be swooning over a 17-year old who is JUST NOW going through puberty. So even if most people think it's not creepy, it still is. It's very weird and creepy. I'd like to punch that kid in the vagina for his crappy music.
Q: How unacceptable is it to get drunk at a WNBA game and constantly scream "IT"S LADIESSSSSSSS NIGHT!"? I mean, there aren't THAT many kids there.
--Bro, LA, CA.
A: Hell, if you had to go, I guess that'd be the way to do it. Although I'd rather just stay at home, get drunk, and make witty comments about how ESPN has an hilarious new sitcom called "Women's Sports."
Q: What would be a better story: having sex outside in a thunderstorm and getting hit by lightning or having a threesome with two Playboy Playmates in the Grotto?
--H. Hefner, San Bernardo, CA.
A: My dick is like LIGHTNING! Yes, definitely the thunderstorm. I don't think I've ever heard of a better way to die. "Here Lies Michael Dolan, who died mid-coitus from a lightning strike." Best tombstone ever.
Q: How long does pubic hair have to be for it to be acceptable to refuse to give oral sex?
--N. Armstrong, Space.
A: My philosophy is that if it's longer/hairier than yours, you can judge it any way you want to. It's not your fault their lazy. Who wants hair in their mouth? It should be enough that you're willing to give oral sex to someone, it shouldn't involve venturing through the enchanted forest. Shave your fucking private parts, people.
Q: I heard you're having some mad sex tonight. How unacceptable is it for couples to talk about their sex lives to their single friends? Is it just plain annoying?
--L. Machido, UFC Center.
A: Listen, an active healthy sex life is very normal for any couple to have. But that's probably who should have it. Your friends don't want to hear about you having sex 2-3 times a day, everyday, even if I accidently say it somehow. It's probably annoying, but you know who's more annoying? Friends who're complaining about not getting laid.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Yes, I Know It's April Fools Day But I'm Not In the Mood to Fool You. Or Am I? and Other Solved Mind Puzzles: The April Mailbag
Another month, another mailbag. When you have nothing else to depend on, the mailbag will always be there at the beginning of the month to give you some disturbing escapism. So as I take a break from losing bets to my girlfriend and preparing for my Irish Conquest of London next week, I present you with your favorite segment: The April Mailbag. WELCOME TO THE SHIT!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'VE HAD TOO MUCH RED BULL
Q: Is Easter the worst holiday of the year once you age? I mean, after a while the baskets and eggs get lame. And a giant bunny? Come on!
--B. Manumaleuna, Chicago, IL
A: Easter is a rather lame holiday, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun. After all, it's prime time for brunch. And only losers hate brunch. Although church is quite boring to go to....I guess there is no although. That's all I got.
Q: Any predictions for the Cubs this year?
--T. Hatcher, Wistoria Lane, SpellCheckDoesn'tCoverFakeStreetNames.
A: Yes, I predict that for every loss I will lose 20 minutes off my life due to unnecessary stress. So that's 1,600 minutes off my life. That's my prediction. Do the math. Or don't.
Q: If there was a global apocalypse, and you could only save one brewery or liquor distillery, what would be? Also, what animal would you most want to assist you on your post-apocalyptic journey?
--K. Powers, HBO
A: Well, if there's only gonna be one, it's gonna be liquor. After all, there's not gonna be any sex, no new TV episodes, no sports, no nothing. You're gonna wanna get loaded..alot. And whiskey will always do the trick quite nicely. Give me the Jameson brewery open and I say Happy Apocalypse! As for the animal, monkey is never the wrong answer. But if you could train a cheetah, that'd be awesome. You wouldn't even need a car! But if there's an apocalypse and I'm the last man standing, then god hates you all.
Q: What is the socially acceptable protocol for drinking on an airplane?
--J. Garcia, Montpellier, Vermont
A: This depends on many factors. Are you alone? With kids? Are you going on vacation? I say if you're on vacation without kids, then divide the number of hours your flight is in half. Maybe add one. Hell, you're on vacay, why's there a limit? Go wild, I say. If you are with kids though, just be sneaky about it. You don't want to look like a bad example or anything.
Q: Why do girls hate anal sex so much? What did anal sex ever do to them? Gay men do it, so if girls really wanted equality, they'd do it.
--ABBA, Stockholm, Sweden.
A: Girls hate anal sex because they've been brainwashed. Brainwashed by men, who have made it seem disgusting to do it, als turning girls off. If men didn't talk about it like it was some accomplishment or anything, then girls might be more open to it. But no. This is one thing that porn has ruined. And let me tell you something about porn: it's good. I mean, if the internet shut down, what would be the first thing you'd think of? "WHERE'S THE PORN GONE?!?!"
Q: All I hear is "Tiger Woods apologizes for this, Tiger Woods apologizes for that." I could give two shits about your apology. Why's he apologizing to me for banging other women? Eff that. I wanna know how he did it! How can you balance that many women for that long? Most men fail trying to balance two!
--V. Hudgens, Disneyland.
A: He's apologizing because the media is one crazy feeding frenzy pouncing and he wants them to go away. As for how he balanced that many women, who knows. The dude won the Masters on one leg. I'm sure balancing ho's wasn't too hard compared to that. Also: He has lots of money.
Q: What's a bigger faux pas: drunkenly hooking up with the boss' daughter at the company Christmas party or drunkenly hooking up with his son at the company Christmas party?
--R. Martin, Wrigleyville, IL.
A: Um. Well, you should absolutely never shit where you eat, so to speak. And that will have a double meaning if you hook up with the son. So go with the girl. Nobody likes poop all over the place.
Q: I've noticed a disturbing trend. So I've had 4 girlfriends in the last 2 years...and none of them know how to cook! Are women slowly refraining from learning how to cook food well?
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: As more and more women turn to the working world, less no how to cook. This is indeed a horrible, horrible trend. We've all feared equality for a long time and this is the worst pitfall of it all. And with the proliferation of take-out places and fast-food restaurants, it's only gonna get worse. You know what else it means? More fat girls. Yup. This is what equality is getting us, men. Fat girls and Crappy food.
Q: With baseball/fantasy baseball fast approaching, what are the chances that your girlfriend smashes your iPhone against the wall? And couple that with the World Cup this summer, how is she gonna get through it? I'm asking for suggestion for her.
--T. Thigpen, Miami, FL.
A: Hahaha. Here's a hint: if she breaks my phone, I will turn into a Hulk-like monstrosity of epically angerlicious proportions. Here's what she can do: thank god that the Cubs play a ton of day games, in which she will be at camp. South Africa, where the World Cup is held, is 7 hours ahead. Which means most of the games will be at 2-3 AM and she'll be sleeping. But since I'm such a nice boyfriend, I'll set up Easter Egg hunts to keep her busy all summer longggggggggg. For instance, putting something on the top shelf. HOW WILL YOU GET IT? Well, that is the question, isn't it?
Q: What's the age where you stop buying beer based on price, and start buying it for flavor?
--B. White's Ghost, Heaven.
A: I say once you have graduated from college and have a real job in which you can afford good beer, that's when you should start buying beer based on flavor. Natty Light and all that crap should be left in college. Give me a good Guinness or Killians? Now we're talking.
Q: What are your thoughts on licking your own nipples? Do you?
Usher, Los Angeles, CA.
A: How in the name of hell do you think I would lick my nipples? Do you think I have some sort of bionic neck? If I did, I wouldn't be licking my nipples. Shit. I've said too much. As for you guys, if you're a female and you can do it, well by all means take advantage of the god-given ability in everywhere possible. If you're a male and can do it, well by all means take advantage of that, since you probably won't be interacting with the opposite sex much.
Q: In a car, what's better for car sex: leather or cloth seats?
--E. Hardy, San Fransisco, CA.
A: I'd have to say cloth. It's smooth, makes less noise, and allows for better maneuvering I would imagine. Leather would be all uncomfortable too, just for sitting on I'd imagine. But that's just my opinion. I'm just a boy...standing in front of car...wanting to have sex in it.
Q: When was your first sleepover and where? And why is pizza packed in a square box? THINK ABOUT IT!
--S. Lejman, Bloomington, IL.
A: Interesting questions with even interestinger answers. Pizza is packed in a square box because how the hell would you get it out of the box if it fit exactly into the box? That'd be anarchy! Plus, I'd imagine that circular boxes aren't too commonly made and are likely more expensive. My first sleep over wa back when I was 10-11 years old and it was with an old friend of mine, let's call her "Lindsay." Eventually we grew apart, but the sleepover wasn't the only first that night! She was quite the Mean GIrl. That was quite a Freaky Friday. I hear she's a movie star now. Good for her.
Q: Here are the 5 most dangerous questions girls can ask: "What are you thinking?" "Do You Love Me?" "Do I look fat?" "Is she prettier than me?" "What would you do if I died?" What are the correct answers to these questions, since men has failed to grasp the answer as of yet.
--P. Diddy, New York, NY.
A: Wrong Answers: "Porn." "You're so nice..." "Those jeans make your butt look flabby." "She's a swimsuit model, what do you think?" "I'd probably go after your best friend for some grief sex." Correct Answers: "What I'm gonna get you for your birthday." "Like Pooh loves honey." "You couldn't look fat if you ate an entire pig!" "You're the prettiest girl this side of the equator!" "I would kill myself." White lies keep girls with guys. (copyrighted)
Q: What is the absolute worst food/drink combo that you could eat or drink when hungover?
--J. Bieber, Cheyenne, WY.
A: I always thought eggs were the worst thing you could possibly have hungover. Ugh. Your digestive system already hates you. And eggs? Ugh. Couple that with a glass of milk and I think you'd be on a one-way road to diarrhea town. Poop joke!
Q: What's the one booze you've never had that you most want to try? Do you think you ever actually will?
--Z. Galifawhatever, Los Fransisco, Can.
A: As an avid watcher of Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel, his visit to Laos inspired me to want to try this rice liquor Lao Lao. It sounds like motor oil mixed with alcohol mixed with llama piss. It makes me all giddy inside. Realistically, I'll probably never try it. But hey, that's what I thought about my chances of having sex with a midget and that's happened. So you never know I guess!
Q: Isn't it too hard to have sex while both of you are covered in butter and oil? I think you'd be a slipin' and slidin' all over the place!
--J. Aniston, DesperationLand, USA.
A: What the...I believe you would sir. I'm more prone to Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I don't care if it's on me or the girl or my ice cream that chocolate is going into my mouth PRONTO. Like now, motherfucker. Butter? What are you, a waffle? That's disgusting. (squirts chocolate sauce into mouth straight from the bottle)
Q: We all know vodka's the best alcohol for mixing....but what's the worst?
--H. Katrina, New Orleans, LA.
A: It has to be absinthe. Oh my god, there is NOTHING you can mix that shit with. It was made for you to taste how shitty it tastes No. Matter. What. Literally, google absinthe mixers and they'll say water. WATER?! Watered-down absinthe, hooray, now it tastes like watered down ass instead of just ass. But absinthe is a good time, ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I love absinthe.
Q: I was thinking the other day while watching (insert any women's "sport" here) that "these players seems drunk they're playing so bad!" What would be the funniest sport to actually watch with all the players really drunk?
--R. Hianna, Birmingham, AL.
A: Hahaha. That is a great idea. You'd want a sport that there could potentially be a lot of pain. I think football would be almost too much. Baseball would just be boring. It would have to be hockey, wouldn't it? People skating all over the place, falling down flat on their faces, going for checks and just smashing into the plexiglass. That would be comedy gold! Somebody spike the Red Wings' Gatorade!
Q: OK, Big Question Here. I was browsing the web, like always, just google searching flexibility for this physics dissertation I'm working on. I came across this picture
My Question Is This: How do I get my Girlfriend to do this?
--Some Guy, Everywhere.
A: God, I wish I took gymnastics. The answer is....you don't. Nobody actually gets to have sex with female gymnasts. It's a myth. A beautiful, sexy myth. Oh, come hither Nastia.........
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'VE HAD TOO MUCH RED BULL Q: Is Easter the worst holiday of the year once you age? I mean, after a while the baskets and eggs get lame. And a giant bunny? Come on!
--B. Manumaleuna, Chicago, IL
A: Easter is a rather lame holiday, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun. After all, it's prime time for brunch. And only losers hate brunch. Although church is quite boring to go to....I guess there is no although. That's all I got.
Q: Any predictions for the Cubs this year?
--T. Hatcher, Wistoria Lane, SpellCheckDoesn'tCoverFakeStreetNames.
A: Yes, I predict that for every loss I will lose 20 minutes off my life due to unnecessary stress. So that's 1,600 minutes off my life. That's my prediction. Do the math. Or don't.
Q: If there was a global apocalypse, and you could only save one brewery or liquor distillery, what would be? Also, what animal would you most want to assist you on your post-apocalyptic journey?
--K. Powers, HBO
A: Well, if there's only gonna be one, it's gonna be liquor. After all, there's not gonna be any sex, no new TV episodes, no sports, no nothing. You're gonna wanna get loaded..alot. And whiskey will always do the trick quite nicely. Give me the Jameson brewery open and I say Happy Apocalypse! As for the animal, monkey is never the wrong answer. But if you could train a cheetah, that'd be awesome. You wouldn't even need a car! But if there's an apocalypse and I'm the last man standing, then god hates you all.
Q: What is the socially acceptable protocol for drinking on an airplane?
--J. Garcia, Montpellier, Vermont
A: This depends on many factors. Are you alone? With kids? Are you going on vacation? I say if you're on vacation without kids, then divide the number of hours your flight is in half. Maybe add one. Hell, you're on vacay, why's there a limit? Go wild, I say. If you are with kids though, just be sneaky about it. You don't want to look like a bad example or anything.
Q: Why do girls hate anal sex so much? What did anal sex ever do to them? Gay men do it, so if girls really wanted equality, they'd do it.
--ABBA, Stockholm, Sweden.
A: Girls hate anal sex because they've been brainwashed. Brainwashed by men, who have made it seem disgusting to do it, als turning girls off. If men didn't talk about it like it was some accomplishment or anything, then girls might be more open to it. But no. This is one thing that porn has ruined. And let me tell you something about porn: it's good. I mean, if the internet shut down, what would be the first thing you'd think of? "WHERE'S THE PORN GONE?!?!"
Q: All I hear is "Tiger Woods apologizes for this, Tiger Woods apologizes for that." I could give two shits about your apology. Why's he apologizing to me for banging other women? Eff that. I wanna know how he did it! How can you balance that many women for that long? Most men fail trying to balance two!
--V. Hudgens, Disneyland.
A: He's apologizing because the media is one crazy feeding frenzy pouncing and he wants them to go away. As for how he balanced that many women, who knows. The dude won the Masters on one leg. I'm sure balancing ho's wasn't too hard compared to that. Also: He has lots of money.
Q: What's a bigger faux pas: drunkenly hooking up with the boss' daughter at the company Christmas party or drunkenly hooking up with his son at the company Christmas party?
--R. Martin, Wrigleyville, IL.
A: Um. Well, you should absolutely never shit where you eat, so to speak. And that will have a double meaning if you hook up with the son. So go with the girl. Nobody likes poop all over the place.
Q: I've noticed a disturbing trend. So I've had 4 girlfriends in the last 2 years...and none of them know how to cook! Are women slowly refraining from learning how to cook food well?
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: As more and more women turn to the working world, less no how to cook. This is indeed a horrible, horrible trend. We've all feared equality for a long time and this is the worst pitfall of it all. And with the proliferation of take-out places and fast-food restaurants, it's only gonna get worse. You know what else it means? More fat girls. Yup. This is what equality is getting us, men. Fat girls and Crappy food.
Q: With baseball/fantasy baseball fast approaching, what are the chances that your girlfriend smashes your iPhone against the wall? And couple that with the World Cup this summer, how is she gonna get through it? I'm asking for suggestion for her.
--T. Thigpen, Miami, FL.
A: Hahaha. Here's a hint: if she breaks my phone, I will turn into a Hulk-like monstrosity of epically angerlicious proportions. Here's what she can do: thank god that the Cubs play a ton of day games, in which she will be at camp. South Africa, where the World Cup is held, is 7 hours ahead. Which means most of the games will be at 2-3 AM and she'll be sleeping. But since I'm such a nice boyfriend, I'll set up Easter Egg hunts to keep her busy all summer longggggggggg. For instance, putting something on the top shelf. HOW WILL YOU GET IT? Well, that is the question, isn't it?
Q: What's the age where you stop buying beer based on price, and start buying it for flavor?
--B. White's Ghost, Heaven.
A: I say once you have graduated from college and have a real job in which you can afford good beer, that's when you should start buying beer based on flavor. Natty Light and all that crap should be left in college. Give me a good Guinness or Killians? Now we're talking.
Q: What are your thoughts on licking your own nipples? Do you?
Usher, Los Angeles, CA.
A: How in the name of hell do you think I would lick my nipples? Do you think I have some sort of bionic neck? If I did, I wouldn't be licking my nipples. Shit. I've said too much. As for you guys, if you're a female and you can do it, well by all means take advantage of the god-given ability in everywhere possible. If you're a male and can do it, well by all means take advantage of that, since you probably won't be interacting with the opposite sex much.
Q: In a car, what's better for car sex: leather or cloth seats?
--E. Hardy, San Fransisco, CA.
A: I'd have to say cloth. It's smooth, makes less noise, and allows for better maneuvering I would imagine. Leather would be all uncomfortable too, just for sitting on I'd imagine. But that's just my opinion. I'm just a boy...standing in front of car...wanting to have sex in it.
Q: When was your first sleepover and where? And why is pizza packed in a square box? THINK ABOUT IT!
--S. Lejman, Bloomington, IL.
A: Interesting questions with even interestinger answers. Pizza is packed in a square box because how the hell would you get it out of the box if it fit exactly into the box? That'd be anarchy! Plus, I'd imagine that circular boxes aren't too commonly made and are likely more expensive. My first sleep over wa back when I was 10-11 years old and it was with an old friend of mine, let's call her "Lindsay." Eventually we grew apart, but the sleepover wasn't the only first that night! She was quite the Mean GIrl. That was quite a Freaky Friday. I hear she's a movie star now. Good for her.
Q: Here are the 5 most dangerous questions girls can ask: "What are you thinking?" "Do You Love Me?" "Do I look fat?" "Is she prettier than me?" "What would you do if I died?" What are the correct answers to these questions, since men has failed to grasp the answer as of yet.
--P. Diddy, New York, NY.
A: Wrong Answers: "Porn." "You're so nice..." "Those jeans make your butt look flabby." "She's a swimsuit model, what do you think?" "I'd probably go after your best friend for some grief sex." Correct Answers: "What I'm gonna get you for your birthday." "Like Pooh loves honey." "You couldn't look fat if you ate an entire pig!" "You're the prettiest girl this side of the equator!" "I would kill myself." White lies keep girls with guys. (copyrighted)
Q: What is the absolute worst food/drink combo that you could eat or drink when hungover?
--J. Bieber, Cheyenne, WY.
A: I always thought eggs were the worst thing you could possibly have hungover. Ugh. Your digestive system already hates you. And eggs? Ugh. Couple that with a glass of milk and I think you'd be on a one-way road to diarrhea town. Poop joke!
Q: What's the one booze you've never had that you most want to try? Do you think you ever actually will?
--Z. Galifawhatever, Los Fransisco, Can.
A: As an avid watcher of Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel, his visit to Laos inspired me to want to try this rice liquor Lao Lao. It sounds like motor oil mixed with alcohol mixed with llama piss. It makes me all giddy inside. Realistically, I'll probably never try it. But hey, that's what I thought about my chances of having sex with a midget and that's happened. So you never know I guess!
Q: Isn't it too hard to have sex while both of you are covered in butter and oil? I think you'd be a slipin' and slidin' all over the place!
--J. Aniston, DesperationLand, USA.
A: What the...I believe you would sir. I'm more prone to Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I don't care if it's on me or the girl or my ice cream that chocolate is going into my mouth PRONTO. Like now, motherfucker. Butter? What are you, a waffle? That's disgusting. (squirts chocolate sauce into mouth straight from the bottle)
Q: We all know vodka's the best alcohol for mixing....but what's the worst?
--H. Katrina, New Orleans, LA.
A: It has to be absinthe. Oh my god, there is NOTHING you can mix that shit with. It was made for you to taste how shitty it tastes No. Matter. What. Literally, google absinthe mixers and they'll say water. WATER?! Watered-down absinthe, hooray, now it tastes like watered down ass instead of just ass. But absinthe is a good time, ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I love absinthe.
Q: I was thinking the other day while watching (insert any women's "sport" here) that "these players seems drunk they're playing so bad!" What would be the funniest sport to actually watch with all the players really drunk?
--R. Hianna, Birmingham, AL.
A: Hahaha. That is a great idea. You'd want a sport that there could potentially be a lot of pain. I think football would be almost too much. Baseball would just be boring. It would have to be hockey, wouldn't it? People skating all over the place, falling down flat on their faces, going for checks and just smashing into the plexiglass. That would be comedy gold! Somebody spike the Red Wings' Gatorade!
Q: OK, Big Question Here. I was browsing the web, like always, just google searching flexibility for this physics dissertation I'm working on. I came across this picture
My Question Is This: How do I get my Girlfriend to do this?
--Some Guy, Everywhere.
A: God, I wish I took gymnastics. The answer is....you don't. Nobody actually gets to have sex with female gymnasts. It's a myth. A beautiful, sexy myth. Oh, come hither Nastia.........
Monday, March 1, 2010
Yes, You Can Kiss Me, But Not Only Because I'm Irish ;-) and Other Immature Responses: The March Mailbag
It's back, it's back, IT. IS. BACK. February was both a long and short month. Long, in that it's still so cold. Short, because it's black history month and we whites wanted to make it the shortest month. But all that shall be rendered irrelevant as we move into March, which has Madness, St. Patty's Day, and so much green you might just get high or rich from being alive. Now let's move on--The March Mailbag.
Q: What is the best food that comes from a pig?
--S. Tyler, Rockville, CA.
A: Well, if you're a man, it's bacon. Or sausage. Or pork. Goddamnit, the pig is a beautiful animal. Everything but the skin is a pure dynamite sex explosion in your mouth.
Q: Where do you rate the Winter Olympics? Should we give Canada a break since there was good hockey and it's Canada?
--W. Gretzky, Toronto, ON, CA.
A: Besides the Opening Ceremonies, the luger death, and a few other "Canadian ScrewUps", the Olympics will be remembered as a success for the hockey tournament alone. It was quite a spectacle and it will be remembered as the best Olympic Hockey, in terms of quality, that anyone has ever seen. But Canada--You Still Suck. (Ed.'s Note: The Way You Eat Their Maple Syrup, I'd Say You Disagree With that Statement)
Q: You always say "Oh, I've been called worse." OK, drunk ass, what's the worst you've been called?
-Ke$ha, Blechville, USA.
A: Hmmm. I've been called the funniest person someone's ever met and the lamest person someone's ever met. As for the worst--I'd have to say it's gotta be calling "the most over-excessive person i've ever met." Who said it? My Greece study abroad chaperone and 2-time Missouri professor of the year. Yeah. That'll really bring your spirits down.
Q: There's so many food's and actions that have "French" in front of it. (i.e. French Toast, Kissing, etc.). What is the lamest country/place that has a popular distinction?
--C. O'Brien, LaughingAllTheWayToTheBankVille, CA.
A: Belgian waffles? No No. How bout Swedish Fish? The Swedish basically GAVE THEMSELVES to the Nazi's in WW2. So unless we're talking about "California Love" (read: man on man love. not that there's anything wrong with that. Just that I don't think Dr. Dre was talking about that), I think the Swedish are the most embarrassing. Unless, of course, they want to lend a few of those blondes over to the good people at the blog. (read: me. no wait. damnit, my girlfriend reads this. i mean for my friends. yeah, for them.)
Q: What is the worst sport to watch while drinking?
--T. Woods, Bellvue, NY.
A: Anything women are trying to do while running. It's really just more like "awww....look at those ladies trying so hard. So adorable, keep trying to keep up with us, girls. Ha Ha Ha!" GIrl's sports are a joke. Like if my girlfriend told me she wanted to be a pro in some sort of sports, I'd write down in my diary "Jillie made a very funny joke today! She said she wanted to be a sports star! Girls can't do that, she's so silly!" Boom. I just roasted myself.
Q: With St. Patrick's Day coming up, I'm jealous. See, I'm French and I suck. Can you give me (or make up) a day in my history worth celebrating? Might as well do it for all Western European countries with a population over 10 million.
--T. Henry, HandBallAssHouseLandofDEATH, France.
A: OK, Fine. Netherlands--4/20.
France-- Fourth of July. (After all, if it wasn't for us, you'd be celebrating Tag der Unabhängigkeit
Belgium: February 9th (Chocolate Day)
UK--Every day in October is National Oral Hygiene Month!
Germany--Who cares? Anyone that likes you is just acting.
Italy--Falling Down and Acting Like a Baby Day! DIVE IT UP!
Portugal and Spain: Iberian Peninsula Day! (Can be celebrated any day, as long as I don't have to think of any ideas for it)
Czech Republic: We're part of Western Europe?! Hooray For Us Day!
Q: What would you rather have as a pet: a monkey or a kangaroo?
--S. Irwin, Heaven.
A: Hmm. Bananas or boxing...I think a monkey would just be funnier. After all, if it gets out of line you could always spank the monkey. Who can spank a kangaroo? Central Australians. And NOBODY wants to know them.
Q: So I was having sex with this girl the other night. She was about 4'10, Jewish, brunette, and had big boobs. So I thought "Wow, this has to be a unique sexual experience for anyone." I thought of you, only because i wanted to give you a cyber high-five. I don't really have a question.
--A. Rose, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I'd high-five you back, but it doesn't seem like we have anything in common. My girlfriend is 4'9.
Q: What's protocol for getting a girl pregnant on a one-night stand? How obligated am I to do anything?
--D. Beat, Helena, MT.
A: One-Night Stands are sticky situations. However, if she's leaning towards coat hangerin' it, you probably should offer to pay for half. If she wants to keep it...the correct response is "I'm sorry, have I met you?"
Q: I'm throwing my friend a bachelor party pretty soon. I just want to know if there are any rules regarding who I should invite, booze, strippers, etc. Thanks, love the blog. I visit it 26 times a day.
--N.O Treal, Figmentationland, OR.
A: There are only a few rules to a bachelor party and I'll list them for my brother in need:
--No sex for the groom. If there is, there is no telling for FEAR OF DEATH.
--No inviting anyone from the bride's side. Unless: a) you were friends (good friends) with him before you met the girl, or b) they're paying.
--The groom shall not pay for a single thing.
--Those blonde strippers better be gorgeous.
--You shall only drink the groom's favorite alcohol all night. After all, he may not get to drink it much after he's married/has kids.
--The groom can veto all these rules and set his own.
Q: I'm a 21 year old virgin, I'm waiting until marriage to have sex with my boyfriend. Recently, I gave another guy a blowie while drunk. Am I still a virgin? Should I tell your boyfriend?
--T. Reid, HaHaHa, NM.
A: Haha. Sexually inexperienced people are funny. BUT I SHALL NOT INSULT! After all, I was you once. You did cheat on your boyfriend, so tell him that but please please please re-think your strategy. If you don't have sex until marriage, you are taking one of the worst risks of all time. Sex is an important part of the spark/chemistry that goes into a relationship and if taht part's not compatible, you will be unhappy for a long, long time.
Q: Is there any sort of protocol for an actual 5-second rule while dropping something on the floor?
--H. Ballsack, Terre Haute, IN.
A: The 5-second rule was invented for a reason. If it drops on the floor and looks delicious, you have 5 seconds to pick it up on eating. The only reasons that can cancel the rule out are these: a) you are on a date, b) the floor looks gross from the start, or c) you aren't hungry.
Q: What's "Guy Law" for bumping into someone and spilling their drink?
--W. Houston (when she was on crack), DreamWorld, NV.
A: Surely, it depends. You should buy the guy's drink back, in full, without question. Unless the following stipulations occur:
--It's a high-end liquor that you can't afford
--you're in the mood for fighting
--you are having sex with his girlfriend/mom
--he's Russian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Laotian, North Korean, or Cuban. (read simply: communist)
Q: Is there any particular place you put the boogers that you pick when your alone? Mine is under the the couch. It gets vacuumed and nobody looks down there. Win Win.
--Owl City Lead Singer's Painful Death, WhoCaresWhereAsLongAsItHappensTownship, IA.
A: That's disgusting! I would never pick my nose and put it under the rug unless I'm at my girlfriends house, in which case I'd put in a kleenex and leave it WHO KNOWS WHERE just to freak her out hahahahahaa. HA! You are gross sir.
Q: Have you heard about this new thing Chat Roulette? I hear girls go on it alot so they have an excuse to look at penises but act like they are freaked out by it to save face.
--R. Smart Guy, WashingtonDC.
A: Chat Roulette is a pretty fun concept, I guess, if it weren't for lonely guys with no shame (read: 33% of American Males). If it weren't for all the wieners, it'd be pretty fun. But even then, you still get a German techno freak or something. Is it worth the risk? It's like roulette. Why bet on it when there's such a small chance on winning. Unless you bet on black of course. Black always wins.
Q: When does it officially become rape? I feel like with many girls having called "wolf" in the past, it's easy to blur the lines.
--Weirdo, WhereverWeirdosAreFrom.
A: This is the weirdest question. Rape is rape whenever the girl feels discontent about any sort of sexual contact. If it's not rape, it's at least sexual assault and you deserve the 5-10 you'll be doing being you're cellmate's girlfriend Wanda.
Q: The Oscars are coming up. Who's gonna win Best PIcture? Should I care?
--J. Cameron, San Fransisco, CA.
A: In a perfect world (500) Days of Summer would win the Oscar. In a normal world, Avatar would win. In an genre-friendly world, Inglorious Basterds would win. But, in our world, The Hurt Locker will win because it's a good movie about our recent war that critics want to get behind. It's not a bad choice--it's just not the right one, as usual.
Q: Is there a better timewaster than Sporcle.com? I THINK NOT!
--J. Elfman, RememberThatShowDharmaAndGreg?IWasInIt!
A: There are better time wasters. They are called drinking, masturbating, and sex. Anything else would be uncivilized.
Q: Irish people suck and so do you. Why should anyone read your damn blog, you stupid potato eating Mick? Go suck on a Guinness flavored potato sandwich while Ireland gets hit the hardest by the recession. Also, I've been seeing this American girl lately. Any advice?
--AllofEngland, UK.
A: As for your need for advice about American girls: buy her something and bring condoms, since the world stereotype is slutty. If you're trying to bag and English girl, just make sure you have a paper bag to put over her head. And don't diss the potato sandwich. It's delicious.
But on a more serious not, instead of writing an entire blog about it, I just want my readers to be educated about why they get to get hammered on St. Patrick's Day every year. Well, the Irish had to (and, to an extent, still have to) suffer the consequences of British rule. Famine, persecution, and apathy towards the Irish race has led to complete ignorance, racism, and violence on both sides. See, the Irish had their own Holocaust which led to over a million deaths, deportations, and immigrations that caused the population of Ireland to decrease by more than 30%. And if you're Irish-American, just know that you might have been born in Ireland happily without British persecution. So next time you say "The Luck of the Irish," just know that the phrase was invented to be ironic--since the Irish have never had any luck.
Sorry to end the mailbag on a depressing note. But not all months are fun! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the mailbag. Have a great month, Irishites and Heathens!
Q: What is the best food that comes from a pig?
--S. Tyler, Rockville, CA.
A: Well, if you're a man, it's bacon. Or sausage. Or pork. Goddamnit, the pig is a beautiful animal. Everything but the skin is a pure dynamite sex explosion in your mouth.
Q: Where do you rate the Winter Olympics? Should we give Canada a break since there was good hockey and it's Canada?
--W. Gretzky, Toronto, ON, CA.
A: Besides the Opening Ceremonies, the luger death, and a few other "Canadian ScrewUps", the Olympics will be remembered as a success for the hockey tournament alone. It was quite a spectacle and it will be remembered as the best Olympic Hockey, in terms of quality, that anyone has ever seen. But Canada--You Still Suck. (Ed.'s Note: The Way You Eat Their Maple Syrup, I'd Say You Disagree With that Statement)
Q: You always say "Oh, I've been called worse." OK, drunk ass, what's the worst you've been called?
-Ke$ha, Blechville, USA.
A: Hmmm. I've been called the funniest person someone's ever met and the lamest person someone's ever met. As for the worst--I'd have to say it's gotta be calling "the most over-excessive person i've ever met." Who said it? My Greece study abroad chaperone and 2-time Missouri professor of the year. Yeah. That'll really bring your spirits down.
Q: There's so many food's and actions that have "French" in front of it. (i.e. French Toast, Kissing, etc.). What is the lamest country/place that has a popular distinction?
--C. O'Brien, LaughingAllTheWayToTheBankVille, CA.
A: Belgian waffles? No No. How bout Swedish Fish? The Swedish basically GAVE THEMSELVES to the Nazi's in WW2. So unless we're talking about "California Love" (read: man on man love. not that there's anything wrong with that. Just that I don't think Dr. Dre was talking about that), I think the Swedish are the most embarrassing. Unless, of course, they want to lend a few of those blondes over to the good people at the blog. (read: me. no wait. damnit, my girlfriend reads this. i mean for my friends. yeah, for them.)
Q: What is the worst sport to watch while drinking?
--T. Woods, Bellvue, NY.
A: Anything women are trying to do while running. It's really just more like "awww....look at those ladies trying so hard. So adorable, keep trying to keep up with us, girls. Ha Ha Ha!" GIrl's sports are a joke. Like if my girlfriend told me she wanted to be a pro in some sort of sports, I'd write down in my diary "Jillie made a very funny joke today! She said she wanted to be a sports star! Girls can't do that, she's so silly!" Boom. I just roasted myself.
Q: With St. Patrick's Day coming up, I'm jealous. See, I'm French and I suck. Can you give me (or make up) a day in my history worth celebrating? Might as well do it for all Western European countries with a population over 10 million.
--T. Henry, HandBallAssHouseLandofDEATH, France.
A: OK, Fine. Netherlands--4/20.
France-- Fourth of July. (After all, if it wasn't for us, you'd be celebrating Tag der Unabhängigkeit
Belgium: February 9th (Chocolate Day)
UK--Every day in October is National Oral Hygiene Month!
Germany--Who cares? Anyone that likes you is just acting.
Italy--Falling Down and Acting Like a Baby Day! DIVE IT UP!
Portugal and Spain: Iberian Peninsula Day! (Can be celebrated any day, as long as I don't have to think of any ideas for it)
Czech Republic: We're part of Western Europe?! Hooray For Us Day!
Q: What would you rather have as a pet: a monkey or a kangaroo?
--S. Irwin, Heaven.
A: Hmm. Bananas or boxing...I think a monkey would just be funnier. After all, if it gets out of line you could always spank the monkey. Who can spank a kangaroo? Central Australians. And NOBODY wants to know them.
Q: So I was having sex with this girl the other night. She was about 4'10, Jewish, brunette, and had big boobs. So I thought "Wow, this has to be a unique sexual experience for anyone." I thought of you, only because i wanted to give you a cyber high-five. I don't really have a question.
--A. Rose, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I'd high-five you back, but it doesn't seem like we have anything in common. My girlfriend is 4'9.
Q: What's protocol for getting a girl pregnant on a one-night stand? How obligated am I to do anything?
--D. Beat, Helena, MT.
A: One-Night Stands are sticky situations. However, if she's leaning towards coat hangerin' it, you probably should offer to pay for half. If she wants to keep it...the correct response is "I'm sorry, have I met you?"
Q: I'm throwing my friend a bachelor party pretty soon. I just want to know if there are any rules regarding who I should invite, booze, strippers, etc. Thanks, love the blog. I visit it 26 times a day.
--N.O Treal, Figmentationland, OR.
A: There are only a few rules to a bachelor party and I'll list them for my brother in need:
--No sex for the groom. If there is, there is no telling for FEAR OF DEATH.
--No inviting anyone from the bride's side. Unless: a) you were friends (good friends) with him before you met the girl, or b) they're paying.
--The groom shall not pay for a single thing.
--Those blonde strippers better be gorgeous.
--You shall only drink the groom's favorite alcohol all night. After all, he may not get to drink it much after he's married/has kids.
--The groom can veto all these rules and set his own.
Q: I'm a 21 year old virgin, I'm waiting until marriage to have sex with my boyfriend. Recently, I gave another guy a blowie while drunk. Am I still a virgin? Should I tell your boyfriend?
--T. Reid, HaHaHa, NM.
A: Haha. Sexually inexperienced people are funny. BUT I SHALL NOT INSULT! After all, I was you once. You did cheat on your boyfriend, so tell him that but please please please re-think your strategy. If you don't have sex until marriage, you are taking one of the worst risks of all time. Sex is an important part of the spark/chemistry that goes into a relationship and if taht part's not compatible, you will be unhappy for a long, long time.
Q: Is there any sort of protocol for an actual 5-second rule while dropping something on the floor?
--H. Ballsack, Terre Haute, IN.
A: The 5-second rule was invented for a reason. If it drops on the floor and looks delicious, you have 5 seconds to pick it up on eating. The only reasons that can cancel the rule out are these: a) you are on a date, b) the floor looks gross from the start, or c) you aren't hungry.
Q: What's "Guy Law" for bumping into someone and spilling their drink?
--W. Houston (when she was on crack), DreamWorld, NV.
A: Surely, it depends. You should buy the guy's drink back, in full, without question. Unless the following stipulations occur:
--It's a high-end liquor that you can't afford
--you're in the mood for fighting
--you are having sex with his girlfriend/mom
--he's Russian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Laotian, North Korean, or Cuban. (read simply: communist)
Q: Is there any particular place you put the boogers that you pick when your alone? Mine is under the the couch. It gets vacuumed and nobody looks down there. Win Win.
--Owl City Lead Singer's Painful Death, WhoCaresWhereAsLongAsItHappensTownship, IA.
A: That's disgusting! I would never pick my nose and put it under the rug unless I'm at my girlfriends house, in which case I'd put in a kleenex and leave it WHO KNOWS WHERE just to freak her out hahahahahaa. HA! You are gross sir.
Q: Have you heard about this new thing Chat Roulette? I hear girls go on it alot so they have an excuse to look at penises but act like they are freaked out by it to save face.
--R. Smart Guy, WashingtonDC.
A: Chat Roulette is a pretty fun concept, I guess, if it weren't for lonely guys with no shame (read: 33% of American Males). If it weren't for all the wieners, it'd be pretty fun. But even then, you still get a German techno freak or something. Is it worth the risk? It's like roulette. Why bet on it when there's such a small chance on winning. Unless you bet on black of course. Black always wins.
Q: When does it officially become rape? I feel like with many girls having called "wolf" in the past, it's easy to blur the lines.
--Weirdo, WhereverWeirdosAreFrom.
A: This is the weirdest question. Rape is rape whenever the girl feels discontent about any sort of sexual contact. If it's not rape, it's at least sexual assault and you deserve the 5-10 you'll be doing being you're cellmate's girlfriend Wanda.
Q: The Oscars are coming up. Who's gonna win Best PIcture? Should I care?
--J. Cameron, San Fransisco, CA.
A: In a perfect world (500) Days of Summer would win the Oscar. In a normal world, Avatar would win. In an genre-friendly world, Inglorious Basterds would win. But, in our world, The Hurt Locker will win because it's a good movie about our recent war that critics want to get behind. It's not a bad choice--it's just not the right one, as usual.
Q: Is there a better timewaster than Sporcle.com? I THINK NOT!
--J. Elfman, RememberThatShowDharmaAndGreg?IWasInIt!
A: There are better time wasters. They are called drinking, masturbating, and sex. Anything else would be uncivilized.
Q: Irish people suck and so do you. Why should anyone read your damn blog, you stupid potato eating Mick? Go suck on a Guinness flavored potato sandwich while Ireland gets hit the hardest by the recession. Also, I've been seeing this American girl lately. Any advice?
--AllofEngland, UK.
A: As for your need for advice about American girls: buy her something and bring condoms, since the world stereotype is slutty. If you're trying to bag and English girl, just make sure you have a paper bag to put over her head. And don't diss the potato sandwich. It's delicious.
But on a more serious not, instead of writing an entire blog about it, I just want my readers to be educated about why they get to get hammered on St. Patrick's Day every year. Well, the Irish had to (and, to an extent, still have to) suffer the consequences of British rule. Famine, persecution, and apathy towards the Irish race has led to complete ignorance, racism, and violence on both sides. See, the Irish had their own Holocaust which led to over a million deaths, deportations, and immigrations that caused the population of Ireland to decrease by more than 30%. And if you're Irish-American, just know that you might have been born in Ireland happily without British persecution. So next time you say "The Luck of the Irish," just know that the phrase was invented to be ironic--since the Irish have never had any luck.
Sorry to end the mailbag on a depressing note. But not all months are fun! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the mailbag. Have a great month, Irishites and Heathens!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Yes, It's Funny & Cute that an African Country's Gonna Try and Host the World Cup! Haha So Much Crime! & Other Offensiveness: The February Mailbag
So there's this thing...it's the mailbag. I'm doing it. I'm writing it. Let's get to it. Also, if you name a movie "Love Happens" you are retarded. Or "Dear John" for that matter. Women realize that if they stop seeing these awful movies that eventually they will make them better? Ugh it's hopeless, here's this months edition of me talking to myself. (Except for the first question. That's actually real.
Q: In your opinion, do you think it would be appropriate if I were to discuss my boyfriend's penis size with my best friends? What if we were to go as far as making up a common nickname for him regarding his penis size?
--S. Lejman, BloNo, IL.
A: Well, I think it's perfectly fine to make up a name for your friend's boyfriend's penis. As long as it's somewhat subtle, I think it's fair play. I mean, if you heard it from your friend, it's her fault really. I don't know why Jillie--ehem, girls would get so upset about that...unless the nickname is geared towards the proverbial lack of lead in one's pencil.
Q: Why is soccer so popular in every other country everywhere but here, in the United States, soccer is almost hated?
--S. Seagal's Short Reality TV Career, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I've already answered this question a billion times, so maybe you should pay attention. Perhaps then someone would watch your show. But soccer isn't popular here because everywhere else, it's really the only sport they play. Here, we got a plethora of athletic competitions. Just no room for it, is all.
Q: What's would be the weirdest mix of two races having a baby? Not weird like racist, but weird in like...looking. OK, maybe it's racist. But who cares, it's black history month, right?!
--L. Neason and H. Ford's Wanting of their Daughter Back, Worldwide.
A: Of course, I frown upon racism, as it is cheap humor, but also terribly childish (also: funny). I'm pretty sure the weirdest mix of two people having a baby would be some fat chick from Texas and a male, skinny Iroquois tribal leader. Hell yeah. Cowboys and Indians.
Q: What would it be like if "District 9" happened for real in Chicago? Would you drink with the aliens?
--L. Smith's Challenging This Question, Chicago, IL
A: I mean, who can blame aliens for landing in Chicago? It's a better city than say...Minneapolis or Detroit or Indianapolis. Plus, we got the vibrant nightlife that aliens crave. My guess is they would just be shoved aside into Cabrini Green or something (might class it up) but sure...why wouldn't I have a drink with an alien? Welcome to Earth! (punches alien like Will Smith in Independence Day)
Q: What would be the last race of people on Earth that you'd sleep with? Might as well be racist...it's black history month!
--T. Swift's Lack of Virginity/Talent, Hollywood, CA
A: Well, that's a silly question. But I mean...I'll answer it. There are probably some exceptions for every race but I don't see too much redeeming about New Zealanders. Damn Kiwis. Think cause you had Lord of the Rings, you can just get fat and not have to do anything? IT DON'T WORK LIKE THAT!
Q: What's the difference between business drunk and college drunk?
--R. Kelly's Love of Urinating on Underage Girls, Private Basement, ???
A: College drunk is a sloppy, less sophisticated drunk that is aimed at drinking as much as possible and achieving sexual intercourse from a mate. Business drunk is a subtler, "don't admit it"-drunk, with the aura of sophistication, even if you feel like barfing from all those rounds of scotch.
Q: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
--P. Manning's Flopping Ability, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Your mom. (Who says comedy is dead?)
Q: What state do you think would be the most lenient about drinking and driving? The strictest? How about public sex?
--J. Leno's Unwavering Sadness, New York, NY.
A: As for DUI'n, I think the most lenient state would be something like a small town in Arkansas or Alabama where everyone knows each other. As for the strictest, well, welcome to Illinois. Illinois has the strictest driving laws in the nation. Funny, because you sure don't teach you how to drive very well. Public sex should never be frowned upon. Unless it's like on a dance floor or something. But that shit's gross.
Q: Do you think each continent has a liquor that defines it? If so, please list them because I hate you and want you to write more.
--J. Locke's Ability to Do What You Can't, ????
A: OK, I think I'll take a stab at this.
North America- Light Beer (we suck)
Europe- Wine (preferably red)
Australia- Foster's
Antarctica- Everclear
South America- Rum
Africa- (Data not available due to lack of resources)
Asia- SAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
(Stereotypes not included)
Q: With the final season of LOST coming up, what do you think the most disappointing ending to the series would be? The best?
--D. Brees' Huddle Screaming, Jasper, North Carolina.
A: I think the most disappointing ending would it being all someone's dream/nightmare. That way is such a cop out for any TV show/movie/play. The best way to end it would be for them to show how Desmond conquered the world through pure sexiness and made Penny his Queen of All that Lives. Also, nudity.
Q: When it comes to jerking off, how much is too much? How about for girls?
--H. Klum's Love of Scarred Faces, Oklahoma City, CA.
A: I say it depends on how much you're having sex. If you are having sex regularly (3-4 times a week or more), then taking care of business should probably only be done 3-4 times. I have a simple ratio for men. You start with the number 8. Subtract the amount of times you had sex from 8 and that's how many times you should really be masturbating a week. For girls, the number is 4. Simply because you hold sex in a higher esteem and don't masturbate as much. It's really a solid formula trust me.
Q: What's the key to a perfect Super Bowl party? And since it's a little classier than, say, a kegger, how drunk is too drunk for a party like this?
--D. Trump's Silly Hairline, New York , NY.
A: It depends who's there, but I say there's no such thing as too drunk for a Super Bowl party. All you need for a perfect Super Bowl party are the following: large TV, beer, pizza and snacks, and lack of women who are loud and don't know what's going on.
Q: Let's say you need a beer. You're going down to Wrigley Field a few hours early. What are the best bars around Wrigley Field that are good to pregame the game at?
S.Sosa's Whiteness, San Jose, CA.
A: I have not immersed myself in the Wrigley seen too often but the prices/lines are too large right across the street at Murphy's, etc. I'd say go to Lucky's Sandwhich place, get a great meal and cheap beer before you have to go pay a mortgage for a beer in the stadium.
Q: Why do you hate British people so much? They have good beer, culture, and one of the most diverse, vibrant cities on Earth. WHERE'S THE BEEF?!
--L. Kiffin's A-Plus in Being a Douche, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Again, why must I explain things that have already been answered? British people have good beer, culture and a very great city. And I don't hate British people, I hate Britain. The simple answer is this: Israel, India, Iraq, Ireland, and especially Ireland (among many, many others) have gone through a bunch of unnecessary hardships in the last 100 years because of the UK. Some might argue that America is doing the very same thing and I say then to that: hate me then, other people. I don't care. Maybe America deserves to be hated. Like I do with Britain, hate America, don't hate the American.
Q: What's the protocol for Valentine's Day if you have a girlfriend? We've been dating for about a year and I've asked her but she says I don't have to get her anything. Obviously, I'm not that stupid. Help?
--J. Bourne's Lack of Memory, Prague, Czech Rep.
A: Valentine's Day is an unfortunate holiday for men. Obviously, you need to get her something. Since you've been dating a year, I'd say it should be pretty good. Jewelry and a nice dinner out should do the trick. Clothes are always a hideous idea (You don't know my size? Don't you know I hate this color? Do you think I'm a slut?), jewelry always good.
Q: I have a question about boobs. Most guys find them better natural. But is there anything wrong with fake boobs? They're still big and they're still in your face, plastic or not.
--H. Montag's Failure At Every Single Thing Besides Fame Whoring, The Hills, CA.
A: Personally, fake boobs are a turn-off because they signal how insecure someone is with their body. Then again, they are bigger....so I mean, there's nothing wrong with them. It just shows a lack of confidence really. I mean, they are pretty big. (dazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees off)
Q: What's your take on rub and tugs? Are they considered cheating? I mean it's basically just a massage...for your penis.
--H. Grant's Slack-Jawed Sweetness, London, UK
A: Obviously rub and tugs are cheating. Is your girlfriend getting fingered by a masseuse cheating? Hell yeah, so how's it any difference. You see, the key to rub and tugs is that they are always run in sketchy Asian massage parlors. So it's pretty easy to get away with. But yeah...it's cheating.
Q: What kind of car is best to have sex in?
--A. Greenspan's Declining Budget, Washington D.C.
A: Anything with hydraulics.
Q: If you were at a concert and lead singer couldn't make it on stage for a song...and they asked you to sing for him, would you do it? And would what be the band/song you'd most wanna do that for?
--T. Swift's Limited Vocal Range, Deep in the Heart of Texas (Included Twice to Get Point Across)
A: You might expect me to say Andrew McMahon/Jack's Mannequin but I wouldn't wanna ruin that for the people in attendance. I'd probably pick All Time Low's "Jasey Rae" because it's my favorite song by them and it doesn't require a whole lot of vocal ability.
Q: Say you're at a bar, drinking with your friends, on the prowl for some ladies, whatever. You meet a girl on the dance floor and you start making out, like sloppy drunk I'm talking. What's the time-limit on a makeout in public? And how long does it take for you start to just get bored and ask if she wants to "get out of here."?
--T. Tebow"s Virginity, Talahassee, FL.
A: I say when you makeout in public, you're already committing a "faux pas" so why put a time limit on it? Just have at it til you don't feel like it no more. Personally, it depends. For me to get bored, it doesn't take much longer than like 5-10 minutes before I'm like "Uhhh can we either take it up a notch or just stop?" But obviously, with the possibility of sex in the back of my mind, I probably wouldn't stop til a long while after that. Yes, I'm a guy and everything girls have heard about guys is true: we only think, care, and talk about one thing: sex.
Fuck you, Kase.
(I love you)
That's it for this month! I'll see you sometime this week, hopefully, with another cracking post on the intricacies of my troubles brain. Til then, das vedayna!
glimming
Q: In your opinion, do you think it would be appropriate if I were to discuss my boyfriend's penis size with my best friends? What if we were to go as far as making up a common nickname for him regarding his penis size?
--S. Lejman, BloNo, IL.
A: Well, I think it's perfectly fine to make up a name for your friend's boyfriend's penis. As long as it's somewhat subtle, I think it's fair play. I mean, if you heard it from your friend, it's her fault really. I don't know why Jillie--ehem, girls would get so upset about that...unless the nickname is geared towards the proverbial lack of lead in one's pencil.
Q: Why is soccer so popular in every other country everywhere but here, in the United States, soccer is almost hated?
--S. Seagal's Short Reality TV Career, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I've already answered this question a billion times, so maybe you should pay attention. Perhaps then someone would watch your show. But soccer isn't popular here because everywhere else, it's really the only sport they play. Here, we got a plethora of athletic competitions. Just no room for it, is all.
Q: What's would be the weirdest mix of two races having a baby? Not weird like racist, but weird in like...looking. OK, maybe it's racist. But who cares, it's black history month, right?!
--L. Neason and H. Ford's Wanting of their Daughter Back, Worldwide.
A: Of course, I frown upon racism, as it is cheap humor, but also terribly childish (also: funny). I'm pretty sure the weirdest mix of two people having a baby would be some fat chick from Texas and a male, skinny Iroquois tribal leader. Hell yeah. Cowboys and Indians.
Q: What would it be like if "District 9" happened for real in Chicago? Would you drink with the aliens?
--L. Smith's Challenging This Question, Chicago, IL
A: I mean, who can blame aliens for landing in Chicago? It's a better city than say...Minneapolis or Detroit or Indianapolis. Plus, we got the vibrant nightlife that aliens crave. My guess is they would just be shoved aside into Cabrini Green or something (might class it up) but sure...why wouldn't I have a drink with an alien? Welcome to Earth! (punches alien like Will Smith in Independence Day)
Q: What would be the last race of people on Earth that you'd sleep with? Might as well be racist...it's black history month!
--T. Swift's Lack of Virginity/Talent, Hollywood, CA
A: Well, that's a silly question. But I mean...I'll answer it. There are probably some exceptions for every race but I don't see too much redeeming about New Zealanders. Damn Kiwis. Think cause you had Lord of the Rings, you can just get fat and not have to do anything? IT DON'T WORK LIKE THAT!
Q: What's the difference between business drunk and college drunk?
--R. Kelly's Love of Urinating on Underage Girls, Private Basement, ???
A: College drunk is a sloppy, less sophisticated drunk that is aimed at drinking as much as possible and achieving sexual intercourse from a mate. Business drunk is a subtler, "don't admit it"-drunk, with the aura of sophistication, even if you feel like barfing from all those rounds of scotch.
Q: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
--P. Manning's Flopping Ability, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Your mom. (Who says comedy is dead?)
Q: What state do you think would be the most lenient about drinking and driving? The strictest? How about public sex?
--J. Leno's Unwavering Sadness, New York, NY.
A: As for DUI'n, I think the most lenient state would be something like a small town in Arkansas or Alabama where everyone knows each other. As for the strictest, well, welcome to Illinois. Illinois has the strictest driving laws in the nation. Funny, because you sure don't teach you how to drive very well. Public sex should never be frowned upon. Unless it's like on a dance floor or something. But that shit's gross.
Q: Do you think each continent has a liquor that defines it? If so, please list them because I hate you and want you to write more.
--J. Locke's Ability to Do What You Can't, ????
A: OK, I think I'll take a stab at this.
North America- Light Beer (we suck)
Europe- Wine (preferably red)
Australia- Foster's
Antarctica- Everclear
South America- Rum
Africa- (Data not available due to lack of resources)
Asia- SAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
(Stereotypes not included)
Q: With the final season of LOST coming up, what do you think the most disappointing ending to the series would be? The best?
--D. Brees' Huddle Screaming, Jasper, North Carolina.
A: I think the most disappointing ending would it being all someone's dream/nightmare. That way is such a cop out for any TV show/movie/play. The best way to end it would be for them to show how Desmond conquered the world through pure sexiness and made Penny his Queen of All that Lives. Also, nudity.
Q: When it comes to jerking off, how much is too much? How about for girls?
--H. Klum's Love of Scarred Faces, Oklahoma City, CA.
A: I say it depends on how much you're having sex. If you are having sex regularly (3-4 times a week or more), then taking care of business should probably only be done 3-4 times. I have a simple ratio for men. You start with the number 8. Subtract the amount of times you had sex from 8 and that's how many times you should really be masturbating a week. For girls, the number is 4. Simply because you hold sex in a higher esteem and don't masturbate as much. It's really a solid formula trust me.
Q: What's the key to a perfect Super Bowl party? And since it's a little classier than, say, a kegger, how drunk is too drunk for a party like this?
--D. Trump's Silly Hairline, New York , NY.
A: It depends who's there, but I say there's no such thing as too drunk for a Super Bowl party. All you need for a perfect Super Bowl party are the following: large TV, beer, pizza and snacks, and lack of women who are loud and don't know what's going on.
Q: Let's say you need a beer. You're going down to Wrigley Field a few hours early. What are the best bars around Wrigley Field that are good to pregame the game at?
S.Sosa's Whiteness, San Jose, CA.
A: I have not immersed myself in the Wrigley seen too often but the prices/lines are too large right across the street at Murphy's, etc. I'd say go to Lucky's Sandwhich place, get a great meal and cheap beer before you have to go pay a mortgage for a beer in the stadium.
Q: Why do you hate British people so much? They have good beer, culture, and one of the most diverse, vibrant cities on Earth. WHERE'S THE BEEF?!
--L. Kiffin's A-Plus in Being a Douche, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Again, why must I explain things that have already been answered? British people have good beer, culture and a very great city. And I don't hate British people, I hate Britain. The simple answer is this: Israel, India, Iraq, Ireland, and especially Ireland (among many, many others) have gone through a bunch of unnecessary hardships in the last 100 years because of the UK. Some might argue that America is doing the very same thing and I say then to that: hate me then, other people. I don't care. Maybe America deserves to be hated. Like I do with Britain, hate America, don't hate the American.
Q: What's the protocol for Valentine's Day if you have a girlfriend? We've been dating for about a year and I've asked her but she says I don't have to get her anything. Obviously, I'm not that stupid. Help?
--J. Bourne's Lack of Memory, Prague, Czech Rep.
A: Valentine's Day is an unfortunate holiday for men. Obviously, you need to get her something. Since you've been dating a year, I'd say it should be pretty good. Jewelry and a nice dinner out should do the trick. Clothes are always a hideous idea (You don't know my size? Don't you know I hate this color? Do you think I'm a slut?), jewelry always good.
Q: I have a question about boobs. Most guys find them better natural. But is there anything wrong with fake boobs? They're still big and they're still in your face, plastic or not.
--H. Montag's Failure At Every Single Thing Besides Fame Whoring, The Hills, CA.
A: Personally, fake boobs are a turn-off because they signal how insecure someone is with their body. Then again, they are bigger....so I mean, there's nothing wrong with them. It just shows a lack of confidence really. I mean, they are pretty big. (dazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees off)
Q: What's your take on rub and tugs? Are they considered cheating? I mean it's basically just a massage...for your penis.
--H. Grant's Slack-Jawed Sweetness, London, UK
A: Obviously rub and tugs are cheating. Is your girlfriend getting fingered by a masseuse cheating? Hell yeah, so how's it any difference. You see, the key to rub and tugs is that they are always run in sketchy Asian massage parlors. So it's pretty easy to get away with. But yeah...it's cheating.
Q: What kind of car is best to have sex in?
--A. Greenspan's Declining Budget, Washington D.C.
A: Anything with hydraulics.
Q: If you were at a concert and lead singer couldn't make it on stage for a song...and they asked you to sing for him, would you do it? And would what be the band/song you'd most wanna do that for?
--T. Swift's Limited Vocal Range, Deep in the Heart of Texas (Included Twice to Get Point Across)
A: You might expect me to say Andrew McMahon/Jack's Mannequin but I wouldn't wanna ruin that for the people in attendance. I'd probably pick All Time Low's "Jasey Rae" because it's my favorite song by them and it doesn't require a whole lot of vocal ability.
Q: Say you're at a bar, drinking with your friends, on the prowl for some ladies, whatever. You meet a girl on the dance floor and you start making out, like sloppy drunk I'm talking. What's the time-limit on a makeout in public? And how long does it take for you start to just get bored and ask if she wants to "get out of here."?
--T. Tebow"s Virginity, Talahassee, FL.
A: I say when you makeout in public, you're already committing a "faux pas" so why put a time limit on it? Just have at it til you don't feel like it no more. Personally, it depends. For me to get bored, it doesn't take much longer than like 5-10 minutes before I'm like "Uhhh can we either take it up a notch or just stop?" But obviously, with the possibility of sex in the back of my mind, I probably wouldn't stop til a long while after that. Yes, I'm a guy and everything girls have heard about guys is true: we only think, care, and talk about one thing: sex.
Fuck you, Kase.
(I love you)
That's it for this month! I'll see you sometime this week, hopefully, with another cracking post on the intricacies of my troubles brain. Til then, das vedayna!
glimming
Friday, January 1, 2010
Yes, I Always Wondered What Having Sex On The Moon Would Feel Like, Although It'd Probably Be Hard, and Other Hungover Nonsense: The January Mailbag
It's a new year...but the mailbag ain't changing, that's for sure! Welcome to 2010....where the mailbag will only get hotter, more raunchy, and even some improvement in the quality of writing (maybe). But anyways...introductions are for people who like wasting time. Let's get to the January Mailbag
Q: Who is a more talented artist Lady Gaga or Britney Spears? Who do you like better personally?
--S. Jillie, Vacationforeverville.
A: This is a tough question. I feel like Lady Gaga probably has more talent, especially since Britney got popular for dancing around as an 18 year old in a schoolgirl outfit. So Gaga. How much that's saying is debatable, though.
Q: What's your favorite kind of whiskey?
--W. Shatner's Stop and Go Voice, Ranchville, WY.
A: Known to be a fine purveyor of whiskey, there are many, many kinds that I do enjoy. As for my favorite--it's so hard to choose--but I'd have to say that Seagrams 7 is my favorite. I mean you can make something sweet, something sour, something ANYTHING with it. But I mean, this question is ridiculous. I love whiskey in general. It's like sex or pizza...bad is still better than nothing.
Q: I'm a girl. I've always heard that girls drink free in bars but I've never figured out how to actually get free drinks. Do you have any tips as to how to get free drinks, since I'm poor and don't feel like paying?
--M. Cyrus' Expaning Maturity, Disneyland, CA.
A: What are you, ten years old and fat? Here are the 5 steps to getting free drinks at bars for girls:
1) Approach a guy, but make sure you are out of his league
2) Flirt with him for approximately 16 seconds.
3) Ask him to buy you a drink.
4) Take a few sips and flirt for a few more seconds (if you wanna be nice).
5) Walk away and repeat.
Q; Why should I listen to Howie Long when it comes to truck buying? And for that matter, is there any way to beat him in a fight?
--T. Bradshaw's Very Annoying Personality, FoxStudios, Republicanville.
A: Because Howie Long is a man. Not just a man, but a MAN. As for fighting him, I think that if you got enough whiskey in Howie and kicked him in the balls, you could get a few shots in before he murdered you.
Q: What is, in your opinion, the worst political decision of the last decade?
--R. Limabugh's Unfilled Prescriptions, Washington RX.
A: I'm tempted to say something about Bush, since I'm so used to going there when thinking about bad political decisions. But, since I'm in a nice mood, I'll go with Congress or whoever in the government and their decision to feel the need to have a hearing on Roger Clemens. Seriously? I don't pay or care to hear about Roger Clemens and his douche steroid use, pedofila, and overall crap poop that is what's coming out of his mouth. Don't waste my tax money on faux trials so the GOV can get some PUB.
Q: If Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have a child, will it end the world?
--D. Beckham's Bending _ick, LA, CA.
A: Well, no. But only because they need to have four kids that look like horsemen, then the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse will be alive and well, living among us, no doubt begging for our attention.
Q: Where is the best place to vacation on every major holiday (i.e. where can I get drunk for cheap)?
--J. Travolta's Fear of Women, Spokane, WA.
A: I'll only use the days that are national holidays, i.e. you'd get off work or school for.
New Years Day: If you really need to drink, NEW Mexico. It's like the old one, except it smells better.
MLK Jr. Day: Anywhere in the North, since the South still hates blacks.
St. Patty's Day: Dublin. Moron.
Easter: Mexico. Aren't they religious or something?
Memorial Day: Vegas. Sex Workers don't get off.
4th of July: Oregon. Talk to Shaune. He'll hook you up with whatever you need.
Labor Day: Vegas. Sex workers don't get off AND you can start betting on football.
Thanksgiving: Go to Turkey and laugh about the irony.
Christmas: Vegas. Sex Workers don't get off.
Q: How is Magic Johnson still alive, let alone announcing? Didn't he get AIDS in like 1990?
--G. Areanas' Unpaid Gambling Debts, TheGunStore.
A: I'm convinced that Magic Johnson's blood is the cure for AIDS and that Magic Johnson is a douche. Guy looks exactly the same as he did when he announced he had it. WTF. Aren't you supposed to lose weight?! Look sick?! Guy has probably put ON muscle. oh Oh OH it's MAGIC.
Q: Got any New Year's Resolution?
--J. Z.'s Extremely Attractive Female Counterpart, Ghettonation.
A: Yeah, to stop answering stupid questions like yours.
Q: What are some movies I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T MISS THIS YEAR? Also, how does it feel to be one of the only people left to not see Avatar that likes movies like you?
--B. Spears' Love of Bald Heads, Crazytown, TN.
A: I'll give you a little list of some movies I think can't miss this year. If I'm wrong about any, I'll buy you a shot:
Shutter Island (February)
Green Zone (March)
Iron Man 2 (May)
Get Him to the Greek (June) (2010's The Hangover Belie' that.
Toy Story 3 (June)
Inception (July)
Harry Potter Deathly Hollows (Nov)
As for anything else, idk. I'm sure there will be indie movies throughout the year that I won't hear of until a week before I see them (i.e. 500 Days of Summer and Slumdog Millionaire) that will be good hopefully. But these are my only guarantees.
Q: Which of the following props would you use during sex: handcuffs, whip, dildo, videocamera, belt, blindfold, and gag.
D. Jeter's Bright Blue Eyes, NY, NY.
A: Handcuffs, Whip, Camera, Belt, Blindfold, and the gag if it's not on me. Dildo? Get the fuck out of here. Keep that shit in the drawer, ladies, it's the least you can do. I mean, I delete the "last websites visited" stuff off my computer before you come over. And it's usually porn. So fair's fair.
Q: Your favorite show, LOST, is ending after it's next season forever. What's the best ending to a show you've ever seen? The worst?
--S. Rogen's Liposuction Surgery, American Samoa.
A: This is such a tough question since I just finished Six Feet Under and the ending was perfect for that show. I mean, The Wire is the best show of the decade, maybe ever, and it's ending was fitting, but not overwhelming. The problem is nowadays that shows always overstay their welcomes and the endings become irrelevant. I'll get the worst over with first...it's definitely Seinfeld, considering it's popularity. It's as if they intentionally chose something that nobody could guess, but I'm sorry, it was batshit stupid. The best, however, might just have to be Six Feet Under. Not to say that it's the best show or anything like that but it had the most overwhelmingly good ending I've ever seen. Hopefully I'll be changing my tune when LOST ends.
Q: What's the most off-putting words that you can use for both male and female genitalia?
--E. Nordegren's Improving Golf Swing, Tiger Wood's House.
A: Yikes. As for male genitalia, the most off-putting word to use for a penis is "sausage" or any derivation about meat. I don't really like it. As for women's, it's obvious: "baby maker." No. Never. Not even if you're trying to have a kid. Instant boner killer.
Q: Britney Spears dyed her hair black. Wouldn't it be cool if a girl dyed her pubic hair (or shaved it) a different, weird color? What if a guy did that?
--A. Carter's Ability to Beat Shaq, StraightUpInTheHood
A: The only thing "cool" about pubic hair is not having it. If you have a little and you died it a weird color, well it ain't gonna stop me from going down on a girl. But I'm certainly not going to discuss how awesome it was that "OH I WENT DOWN ON HER AND SHE HAD NEON ORANGE PUBES!" False. As for men....the same. Just shave most of it damnit. Pubic hair is gross and you'll get alot more head if you do. At least I will. Maybe not you. Me, yes. You, maybe.
Q: If you had to have sex in front of three people, anyone in the world, who would it be and why? Has anyone ever watched you before?
--J. Shore's Inherent Douchiness, Scumville, NJ.
A: Nobody has ever watched me before and I don't think I'd really like it--probably too much pressure. But if I had to pick three people, I'd pick Tiger Woods since he could give me pointers, Padma from Top Chef cause she could have a nice quiche ready for me when I'm done, and Michelle Obama. Just so I'd have SOMETHING over Obama. The only thing you'll need to change after that is your wife's underwear, Barack. BOOMBAMA!
Q: How does one go for eight days without the following: sex, oral sex, handjobs (self-inflicted or otherwise), or any sort of "finish" and stay sane?
--C. Farrell's Very Hot Irish Accent That's Better Than Any England Accent Cause England Sucks, Dublin, Ireland.
A: One drinks alot. One eats alot. One smokes alot. One goes insane every other moment of everyday every hour every minute every second everyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyMOMMMMMMMENTTTTTTT. DAMN YOU SCUBA STEVE.
Q: Hey Brando, I hear you're a godfather now. What's your favorite mob movie of all time?
--M. Brando's Dead But Still Fat Behind, ALbany, NY.
A: My favorite mob movie of all time is The Departed. Listen, I love Godfather and Goodfellas and all that jazz but The Departed just hits me. Loaded cast, great dialogue. It's just a sexy experience for lovers of violence and the F word.
Q: What's the best drunk food you could possibly have in Chicago, IL? I just moved here and am a near alcoholic.
--D. Schrute's Love of Beets, Scranton, PN.
A: I have been and always will be a pizza guy. Although I'm not familiar with many food areas in the city, the best pizza I've had while drinking/after drinking is at Piece in Wicker Park (I think). It's really good and it's a microbrewery...so there's no reason you have to lose your buzz.
Q: Re-Write a Song for Me. Any song. Just re-write it so it's all about alcohol and partying. Pull no punches.
--V. Hot Blonde I Turned Down Last Night, The Internet.
A: For my symphony of drunkenness, I choose 3OH!3's "Don't Trust Me" because of course I do:
Black beer with whiskey underneath,
All this Guinness has stained my teeth.
And that actress doing lines of keef,
She's so drunk she wouldn't know chicken from beef.
T-t-the drinks taste kinda weak,
While my tongue taste kinda like I licked a leaf.
She told her boyfriend "Hey, yo, chief"
That guy's a barbarian and he stole our Jack & Jim.
I want to drink it, Whoa Oh
I want to shot it, Whoa Oh,
i want to stumble ho-ho-ho-ho home
Don't trust the blow, Never Trust the Blow, Won't Trust, Cause the Blow Fucks Up Me.
Exit's and scrapes on my hands
Always in my future since I won't comply with demands
And the drink list, I spit on that page
Then hit on some chick since I know she's engaged.
S-S-She's not giving into my charm
I wonder if this works back in Veitnam.
And the best is, back in Myanmar
Just a few places I;ve got kicked out of so far.
She wants my drink, Whoa Oh
I want my drink, Whoa Oh,
I think I'll trade it for a blow-oh-oh-oh
Trade your drink for sex, Always trade for Sex, Will Trade, Cause Sex fills me with Glee.
Shush girl, shut your lips
If I wanted to hear you talk I wouldn't have made you strip
(repeat 3 times)
I'll let her drink it, Whoa Oh
I'll have a little, Whoa Oh
This verse sucks, whoa oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Drinks over hoes, Always Booze Befo, Don't Drink if you're Expecting.
That's it for the mailbag this month--aur revoir muchachas!
Q: Who is a more talented artist Lady Gaga or Britney Spears? Who do you like better personally?
--S. Jillie, Vacationforeverville.
A: This is a tough question. I feel like Lady Gaga probably has more talent, especially since Britney got popular for dancing around as an 18 year old in a schoolgirl outfit. So Gaga. How much that's saying is debatable, though.
Q: What's your favorite kind of whiskey?
--W. Shatner's Stop and Go Voice, Ranchville, WY.
A: Known to be a fine purveyor of whiskey, there are many, many kinds that I do enjoy. As for my favorite--it's so hard to choose--but I'd have to say that Seagrams 7 is my favorite. I mean you can make something sweet, something sour, something ANYTHING with it. But I mean, this question is ridiculous. I love whiskey in general. It's like sex or pizza...bad is still better than nothing.
Q: I'm a girl. I've always heard that girls drink free in bars but I've never figured out how to actually get free drinks. Do you have any tips as to how to get free drinks, since I'm poor and don't feel like paying?
--M. Cyrus' Expaning Maturity, Disneyland, CA.
A: What are you, ten years old and fat? Here are the 5 steps to getting free drinks at bars for girls:
1) Approach a guy, but make sure you are out of his league
2) Flirt with him for approximately 16 seconds.
3) Ask him to buy you a drink.
4) Take a few sips and flirt for a few more seconds (if you wanna be nice).
5) Walk away and repeat.
Q; Why should I listen to Howie Long when it comes to truck buying? And for that matter, is there any way to beat him in a fight?
--T. Bradshaw's Very Annoying Personality, FoxStudios, Republicanville.
A: Because Howie Long is a man. Not just a man, but a MAN. As for fighting him, I think that if you got enough whiskey in Howie and kicked him in the balls, you could get a few shots in before he murdered you.
Q: What is, in your opinion, the worst political decision of the last decade?
--R. Limabugh's Unfilled Prescriptions, Washington RX.
A: I'm tempted to say something about Bush, since I'm so used to going there when thinking about bad political decisions. But, since I'm in a nice mood, I'll go with Congress or whoever in the government and their decision to feel the need to have a hearing on Roger Clemens. Seriously? I don't pay or care to hear about Roger Clemens and his douche steroid use, pedofila, and overall crap poop that is what's coming out of his mouth. Don't waste my tax money on faux trials so the GOV can get some PUB.
Q: If Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have a child, will it end the world?
--D. Beckham's Bending _ick, LA, CA.
A: Well, no. But only because they need to have four kids that look like horsemen, then the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse will be alive and well, living among us, no doubt begging for our attention.
Q: Where is the best place to vacation on every major holiday (i.e. where can I get drunk for cheap)?
--J. Travolta's Fear of Women, Spokane, WA.
A: I'll only use the days that are national holidays, i.e. you'd get off work or school for.
New Years Day: If you really need to drink, NEW Mexico. It's like the old one, except it smells better.
MLK Jr. Day: Anywhere in the North, since the South still hates blacks.
St. Patty's Day: Dublin. Moron.
Easter: Mexico. Aren't they religious or something?
Memorial Day: Vegas. Sex Workers don't get off.
4th of July: Oregon. Talk to Shaune. He'll hook you up with whatever you need.
Labor Day: Vegas. Sex workers don't get off AND you can start betting on football.
Thanksgiving: Go to Turkey and laugh about the irony.
Christmas: Vegas. Sex Workers don't get off.
Q: How is Magic Johnson still alive, let alone announcing? Didn't he get AIDS in like 1990?
--G. Areanas' Unpaid Gambling Debts, TheGunStore.
A: I'm convinced that Magic Johnson's blood is the cure for AIDS and that Magic Johnson is a douche. Guy looks exactly the same as he did when he announced he had it. WTF. Aren't you supposed to lose weight?! Look sick?! Guy has probably put ON muscle. oh Oh OH it's MAGIC.
Q: Got any New Year's Resolution?
--J. Z.'s Extremely Attractive Female Counterpart, Ghettonation.
A: Yeah, to stop answering stupid questions like yours.
Q: What are some movies I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T MISS THIS YEAR? Also, how does it feel to be one of the only people left to not see Avatar that likes movies like you?
--B. Spears' Love of Bald Heads, Crazytown, TN.
A: I'll give you a little list of some movies I think can't miss this year. If I'm wrong about any, I'll buy you a shot:
Shutter Island (February)
Green Zone (March)
Iron Man 2 (May)
Get Him to the Greek (June) (2010's The Hangover Belie' that.
Toy Story 3 (June)
Inception (July)
Harry Potter Deathly Hollows (Nov)
As for anything else, idk. I'm sure there will be indie movies throughout the year that I won't hear of until a week before I see them (i.e. 500 Days of Summer and Slumdog Millionaire) that will be good hopefully. But these are my only guarantees.
Q: Which of the following props would you use during sex: handcuffs, whip, dildo, videocamera, belt, blindfold, and gag.
D. Jeter's Bright Blue Eyes, NY, NY.
A: Handcuffs, Whip, Camera, Belt, Blindfold, and the gag if it's not on me. Dildo? Get the fuck out of here. Keep that shit in the drawer, ladies, it's the least you can do. I mean, I delete the "last websites visited" stuff off my computer before you come over. And it's usually porn. So fair's fair.
Q: Your favorite show, LOST, is ending after it's next season forever. What's the best ending to a show you've ever seen? The worst?
--S. Rogen's Liposuction Surgery, American Samoa.
A: This is such a tough question since I just finished Six Feet Under and the ending was perfect for that show. I mean, The Wire is the best show of the decade, maybe ever, and it's ending was fitting, but not overwhelming. The problem is nowadays that shows always overstay their welcomes and the endings become irrelevant. I'll get the worst over with first...it's definitely Seinfeld, considering it's popularity. It's as if they intentionally chose something that nobody could guess, but I'm sorry, it was batshit stupid. The best, however, might just have to be Six Feet Under. Not to say that it's the best show or anything like that but it had the most overwhelmingly good ending I've ever seen. Hopefully I'll be changing my tune when LOST ends.
Q: What's the most off-putting words that you can use for both male and female genitalia?
--E. Nordegren's Improving Golf Swing, Tiger Wood's House.
A: Yikes. As for male genitalia, the most off-putting word to use for a penis is "sausage" or any derivation about meat. I don't really like it. As for women's, it's obvious: "baby maker." No. Never. Not even if you're trying to have a kid. Instant boner killer.
Q: Britney Spears dyed her hair black. Wouldn't it be cool if a girl dyed her pubic hair (or shaved it) a different, weird color? What if a guy did that?
--A. Carter's Ability to Beat Shaq, StraightUpInTheHood
A: The only thing "cool" about pubic hair is not having it. If you have a little and you died it a weird color, well it ain't gonna stop me from going down on a girl. But I'm certainly not going to discuss how awesome it was that "OH I WENT DOWN ON HER AND SHE HAD NEON ORANGE PUBES!" False. As for men....the same. Just shave most of it damnit. Pubic hair is gross and you'll get alot more head if you do. At least I will. Maybe not you. Me, yes. You, maybe.
Q: If you had to have sex in front of three people, anyone in the world, who would it be and why? Has anyone ever watched you before?
--J. Shore's Inherent Douchiness, Scumville, NJ.
A: Nobody has ever watched me before and I don't think I'd really like it--probably too much pressure. But if I had to pick three people, I'd pick Tiger Woods since he could give me pointers, Padma from Top Chef cause she could have a nice quiche ready for me when I'm done, and Michelle Obama. Just so I'd have SOMETHING over Obama. The only thing you'll need to change after that is your wife's underwear, Barack. BOOMBAMA!
Q: How does one go for eight days without the following: sex, oral sex, handjobs (self-inflicted or otherwise), or any sort of "finish" and stay sane?
--C. Farrell's Very Hot Irish Accent That's Better Than Any England Accent Cause England Sucks, Dublin, Ireland.
A: One drinks alot. One eats alot. One smokes alot. One goes insane every other moment of everyday every hour every minute every second everyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyMOMMMMMMMENTTTTTTT. DAMN YOU SCUBA STEVE.
Q: Hey Brando, I hear you're a godfather now. What's your favorite mob movie of all time?
--M. Brando's Dead But Still Fat Behind, ALbany, NY.
A: My favorite mob movie of all time is The Departed. Listen, I love Godfather and Goodfellas and all that jazz but The Departed just hits me. Loaded cast, great dialogue. It's just a sexy experience for lovers of violence and the F word.
Q: What's the best drunk food you could possibly have in Chicago, IL? I just moved here and am a near alcoholic.
--D. Schrute's Love of Beets, Scranton, PN.
A: I have been and always will be a pizza guy. Although I'm not familiar with many food areas in the city, the best pizza I've had while drinking/after drinking is at Piece in Wicker Park (I think). It's really good and it's a microbrewery...so there's no reason you have to lose your buzz.
Q: Re-Write a Song for Me. Any song. Just re-write it so it's all about alcohol and partying. Pull no punches.
--V. Hot Blonde I Turned Down Last Night, The Internet.
A: For my symphony of drunkenness, I choose 3OH!3's "Don't Trust Me" because of course I do:
Black beer with whiskey underneath,
All this Guinness has stained my teeth.
And that actress doing lines of keef,
She's so drunk she wouldn't know chicken from beef.
T-t-the drinks taste kinda weak,
While my tongue taste kinda like I licked a leaf.
She told her boyfriend "Hey, yo, chief"
That guy's a barbarian and he stole our Jack & Jim.
I want to drink it, Whoa Oh
I want to shot it, Whoa Oh,
i want to stumble ho-ho-ho-ho home
Don't trust the blow, Never Trust the Blow, Won't Trust, Cause the Blow Fucks Up Me.
Exit's and scrapes on my hands
Always in my future since I won't comply with demands
And the drink list, I spit on that page
Then hit on some chick since I know she's engaged.
S-S-She's not giving into my charm
I wonder if this works back in Veitnam.
And the best is, back in Myanmar
Just a few places I;ve got kicked out of so far.
She wants my drink, Whoa Oh
I want my drink, Whoa Oh,
I think I'll trade it for a blow-oh-oh-oh
Trade your drink for sex, Always trade for Sex, Will Trade, Cause Sex fills me with Glee.
Shush girl, shut your lips
If I wanted to hear you talk I wouldn't have made you strip
(repeat 3 times)
I'll let her drink it, Whoa Oh
I'll have a little, Whoa Oh
This verse sucks, whoa oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Drinks over hoes, Always Booze Befo, Don't Drink if you're Expecting.
That's it for the mailbag this month--aur revoir muchachas!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Holiday Mailbag
It's that time of year that everyone loves! And I love it even more, do you know why? Because today marks a new mailbag, not just any mailbag-a real one. Well, not like a real mailbag, I'm not a mailman. But I am the mail MAN. For the first time in mailbag history, every question is for real. Real questions from real readers. WHAT A CONCEPT!
-E. Szymski, Bloomington, IL
A: My feelings on the kiss at midnight are that I love it. Alcohol is pretty much a given on New Years Eve, and there's no real etiquette to be quite honest. Interesting you ask such a convenient hypothetical question! She would absolutely not be able to kiss someone else--especially say if she took a friend and tried to kiss her. Because THEN they're already friends and the possibility arises of a spark igniting between the two. And a girl turning into a lesbian right after they dated you is all sorts of ego-shattering.
Q: This is my first Christmas where I am 21, so my family will finally let me drink. How completely obliterated do I get? Should I just take life by the throat and tell my family how I really feel about them or should I wait a few years to make a terribly large scene?
--B.P. Stewart, Bloomington, IL
A: This reminds me of my first X-Mas as a 21 year old, something I like to call Zzzz-Mas since I passed out during my family party. That is neither here nor there, though. Family parties are often tedious, nerving, and/or downright hard to deal with. You should absolutely get hammered like a loose nail on a floorboard. As for telling them what you really feel--that is an awful idea. Part of being a family is not telling them how you really feel of them. You think anyone wants to hear Grandma's old stories about her dancing with a navy man after a bunch of martini's? Hell no. But they also want that Best Buy gift card so they can pick up Season 5 of the Gilmore Girls.
Q: If you could pick any 2 celebrities that would be the "it" couple, based on success, money, looks, personality, and that would make the perfect baby... who would you choose and why?
--Anonymous, ScardyCatVille.
A: Hmm, this is a tough question. Looks and personality do not often come together. And who knows, two weeks ago I may have included Tiger Woods in this answer but now he's one of the last people I'd pick. Based on personality, looks, success, etc, I would have to include George Clooney, although a little old, and Beyonce. Perhaps the answer is a little weird...but there's nothing wrong with a little white chocolate. I mean, both those celebs are successful, attractive, and seem to be pretty down to earth in comparison to most others.
Q: What's the most embarrassing drinking story you have heard? (yours, a friends, or any other real one: I don't want to read the story about the people who picked up a troll on the road, sobered up, and realized they abducted a midget)-
--J. McDonald, Chicago, IL
A: Funny...that's the story of how me and my girlfriend met. Whoa, just kidding. As for most embarrassing, that's a toughie. And I can't post any of my girlfriend's stories since her entire family reads this. There was a time in college where I was "walking" home and a cop stopped me since I believe I had an open container. To get out of my ticket, I started crying and told him my fiancee just broke up with me...even though I hadn't had a girlfriend since junior high. The officer was very understanding and even offered me a ride home...but looking back I kinda wish I at least didn't just type that.
Q; What are your feelings on the conspiracy theory that Lady Gaga is a victim of government mind control?
--J-Mayer, Probably From Inside My House
A: Not all the questions can be winners apparently. But in the interest of fairness, I will of course answer it. I think that conspiracy theories and anyone who believes them are quite dumb. Why would the government mind control someone into being a mega-popstar crazy woman? Did they also mind control Stevie Wonder to be blind and Lance Bass to be gay? Let's be realistic here people.
Q; If you had to pick one of the following, who would you be? Cappie from GREEK,Chuck from CHUCK,Desmond from LOST,or Jack Bauer from 24?
--Anonymous, CrazyHoeLand.
A: Hmm, let's analyze this here...Cappie is a burnout college student so no. Jack Bauer runs around just killing people and getting shot at so also no. Desmond and Chuck...how does one decide? I have no clue. I'll go with Desmond, only because he's already got the girl...while Chuck is a bumbling idiot in front of them. Plus...I'd have that sexy (to girls, at least) Scottish accent. MMMMMMMM.
Q: Let's say you're sleeping with someone and they keep saying that you're "just friends". Then they spend every night at your house for practically 3 months. Then one night, they tell you they are starting to fall in love with you. A couple weeks later, they tell you they've met someone that they've "never felt so connected to and she's amazing" and it's back to friends doing it. Tell me Mike, did they ever really love me? Aw crap, I mean, did they ever really love you?
--R. Logan, ABC Family Studios
A: The only thing they really loved was sleeping with you. If they were sleeping with you for that long...but were able to fall for someone else that quickly, then I think it's pretty clear that you were being used for your fantastic body and possible flexibility. You're kind of a ho though.
Q; If you plan a spring break trip when you are single, but you have a boyfriend by the time you go on said trip are you considered single during the trip?
--Anonymous, Jillie's Sorority House
A: Only if you also want to be single when you come back.
Q: Why do you think red wine is good for you? And in a more general sense, what other alcoholic beverage do you suppose might prove beneficial to the human body in the long run?
-Sara Elizabeth Scarim, Buffalo Grove
-Sara Elizabeth Scarim, Buffalo Grove
A: Well, I think that red wine is good for you since it's the blood of christ, obviously. In more seriousness, red wine has certain ingredients that can be beneficial to your heart in the long run IF drank in moderation. Why, I don't know. As for any others, I know Guinness also has some potential health benefits, especially for the heart, if it is drank in moderation. But remember kiddos: everything in moderation, even moderation.
Q; What is your favorite place to go watch soccer games in Chicago and why?
-Tim Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL
Q; What is your favorite place to go watch soccer games in Chicago and why?
-Tim Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL
A: Soccer is rather underappreciated in Chi-town and in the United States, which is a damn shame since I love it so much. But you can get your fix at The Globe Pub on the 1900 block of Irving Park Rd. It's fun (if you like soccer) and beer is moderately priced, which is a plus no matter what you like watching/not watching.
Q: What is Mike Fontenot's current relationship status, and do you think I'd have any chance of "touching base" with him?
--Some Girl that has no chance with Mike Fontenot
A: Mike Fontenot is currently single and in all likelihood, will be looking for a girlfriend in a new city if the Cubs remember to wake up from their hibernation so far this winter. But go for it, I know my brother's friend sister hooked up with Ronny Cedeno when he was a Cub...so maybe there's hope for you yet. (Let's be honest though, there really isn't, Sara.)
Q: My hamster is having an insanely bad hair day. Do you have any personal recommendations for hamster hair care? (This is in reference to Tristan, of course)
--Hopefully a PetCo Employee
A: My girlfriend's dad is supposedly a vet and I'm assuming that means he also specializes in animal hair care...so I can ask during chanukah tonight and let you know any hamster hair care tips. I'll make sure to get into as much detail as possible, since I know this is really, really important. (Personally, I think you should just save it. Then there's no hair care to worry about.)
Q: In your own professional opinion, what is the absolute best way to go about stealing a pizza from a bar's charity function? Please list this in step-by-step format.
-Tim, Arlington Heights, IL
Q: In your own professional opinion, what is the absolute best way to go about stealing a pizza from a bar's charity function? Please list this in step-by-step format.
-Tim, Arlington Heights, IL
A: Some might say it'd be wrong to steal from a charity event at a bar...but I say I need that pizza as bad as the needy people. Lora only cooks so much filet mignon. Here is the step-by-step process for stealing pizza from a bar charity event:
1) pick up pizza
2) walk towards door
3) tell friends walking in front of you to stop walking like your grandma and hurry the hell up
4) get in car and drive home
5) eat pizza in car/at home
6) Enjoy! And don't waste it--there's starving kids in Africa.
Q: How do you come up with so many "smooth" lines to wooo! the ladies? Is there a formula, or what's the trick?
-Tim, PoonVille, USA.
-Tim, PoonVille, USA.
A: You'd have to get the formula from Jack Daniels. The trick is girls like being told they're pretty, so tell them they're pretty. Believe it or not, it's Just. That. Simple. Also, I don't appreciate the smooth being in quotation marks. I think Jessica Alba and Hilary Duff would beg to differ.
Q: Toss up! Christmas or Chanukah? Go!
-Timbone, Bad Nickname Factory, IL.
A: This is such an uncool question. I have enjoyed my previous 22 Christmases and am not even halfway through my first Chanukah. But I clearly have to say Christmas. Not every holiday offers me the opportunity to drink Nog-A-Sake and see my aunts and grandma get drunk and yell at everyone else while opening presents. Although, that's not too different from my Chanukah experience so far...
Q: Toss up! Christmas or Chanukah? Go!
-Timbone, Bad Nickname Factory, IL.
A: This is such an uncool question. I have enjoyed my previous 22 Christmases and am not even halfway through my first Chanukah. But I clearly have to say Christmas. Not every holiday offers me the opportunity to drink Nog-A-Sake and see my aunts and grandma get drunk and yell at everyone else while opening presents. Although, that's not too different from my Chanukah experience so far...
Q; What are your top-3 one-liners from all of Seth Rogan's films? One per movie, please.
-yeadude, Couldn'tEvenTypeYourNameVille.
A: Ok, I guess...I didn't see Observe and Report, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, or You Me and Dupree so those will be excluded.
Funny People: "I don't think I can hide that, my face is circumsized."
Pineapple Express: "CousCous, the food so nice they named it twice."
Superbad: "18 road beers...oh there's no time to pay."
Knocked Up: "Haha...no work today..."
40-Year Old Virgin: "There's something wrong with her underwear.." "Yeah, they're not in my mouth."
Q: Other than Party at Kitty and Stud's, what's your favorite Sly Stallone film?
--JerkInTheComments, Jerkville.
A: Clearly there is no substitute for Rocky IV. It is the best Sly movie, best boxing movie, and best anti-communism movie of all time. And make no mistake: communism is the worst thing ever invented by whatever atheists believe in.
Q; Everyone knows the 12 days of christmas song... if you had to re-write it, what would your true love give you each day?
--Anonymous, Obviouslytown.
A: I'm not going to rewrite the whole song, since I don't feel like retyping the 1st day twelve times, but here are the 12 things:
1st Day: One Pie for Eating
2nd: Two Cakes for Caking
3rd: Three Ice's a Creamin'
4th: Four Strawberrys for Shortcaking
5th: Five Goldennnn Caramelssss
6th: Six Free Drinks
7th: Seven Grams for Smoking
8th: Eight Hours of Football
9th: Nine Times a "Knockin'"
10th: Ten Purple Dranks
11th: Eleven Figs for Newtoning
12th: Twelve More Dayssssssssssssssss
Q: In your experience, what's the most exotic place you've bumped uglies? If you could pick anywhere you haven't already done the nasty, where would you do the deed?
--That'sKindofPrivateButOK
A: Once, I did it in Israel. That was so exotic. Or was it just a Jewish girls house? Probably. I wish I could say I've been more exotic but no. I've always wanted to do that at church. Does that make me a bad person? Probably, but so do other things...so don't worry about it.
Q: Say that you were FORCED to sleep with one of the following sex kittens (as they are today, not in the past). Who do you pick, and why? 1) Hillary Clinton, 2) Susan Boyle, 3) Michelle Duggar, 4) Aretha Franklin, 5) Cher, 6) Jocelyn Wildenstein.
--Larry Dolan, ProbablyNotHimTown.
A: It would most definitely NOT be Michelle Duggar because I think if I triple wrapped it, she'd still have a kid. Aretha and Cher are just tooo old, Boyle too ugly, and Wildenstein is flat out one of the most disgusting things to walk the Earth since Jellyfish could walk. Why not Hilary? Seems like she might make up for all that lost time Bill doesn't show her attention.
Q: What is the single most overrated film of all time?
--GenericQuestionAsker, GerericismCourt.
A: Of all time? Yikes spikes dykes. Personally, I hate the Lord of the Rings films. And people seem to be obsessed to the bone with all that junk. So I suppose I'd pick those. All of them. Three films to rule all suck.
Q: What's the best present/gift/kind gesture you've ever received?
-SuchASweetPerson, SweetTartCandyLand.
A: My graduation present from college was a trip to Ireland for St. Patrick's Day. Aka the best day ever in the best place ever with the best drink ever AND Tim. Whoa. As for like a gift from a friend/girlfriend, I don't know but I assume I will get it next week. Best. Chanukah. Ever.
That will do it for the holiday mailbag. I hope it got you all festive and stuff. But I must go for I have to celebrate Chanukah again. AND AGAIN! I'll see-or write-you all later. Adios!
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