Drunk Personalities: Bar Staff

Quite often enough we don't give enough props to the people that pour our drinks for us. Sometimes maybe we don't tip enough, we get belligerent, or, even worse, we hit on them even though they are way out of their league. But without them, there would be no bars. The world would be chaos. Anarchy I say. I might even say that again. But I won't. So in my next edition of drunk personalities, here is the Typical Bar Staff.

The Bouncer
Appearance: Bald, Fat and Muscular, Goatte'd, Black Clothing
Traits: Mean, Tough, Clipboardish, "No I Don't See a Dolan On the List, I Don't Care if You Reserved it Last March"
Their Purpose: The bouncer is there to keep the undesirables out and the drunk people in order. Sometimes this means he'll get all medieval on your ass, sometimes it means he'll just ignore you completely. The bouncer's job is not easy. He has to be completely vain and base everyone off their looks, just like the people he lets straight in. And although my lifelong dream of becoming one will probably not come true, I hold out hope that one day it is ME who will finally be able to judge others. If not by bouncer, at least by judge on America's Next Top Model. FAB!
Job Requirements: Bench Press a Pontiac G6

The Kitchen Worker
Appearance: Grungy, Messed Up Hair, Apron'd, Not Smiling
Traits: Impatient, Smells like Fries, Talks Like Burgers.
Their Purpose: The kitchen worker is more often than not disgruntled. They make fun of the rest of the staff, usually in a different language, mainly out of jealousy. Although they make delicious, yummy food, they probably couldn't cook a real meal if they tried. He reeks of the crap he's cooking all day, err day. He doesn't have time to deal with your incompetence, I mean, come on it clearly says 3 Burgers/Hold the fries instead of the more sensical 3 Burgers/Fries. (Ed.'s Note: Someone is disgruntled) I know some of you think my editor is funny but in actuality he has a small penis and you shouldn't listen to him. Writer's notes are funnier anyway. (Ed.'s Note: Fuck you, desk jockey. Mine are more witty and unexpected) You do them every paragraph. Their about as expected as a girl's period by now.
Job Requirements: No Habla Ingles

The Hard-Working Bartender
Appearance: Average Looking, Average Talking, Average Weight/Height, Average Breast/Penis Size, Average Average Average Averageeeeeeeeeee. Good work ethic, though.
Traits: He/She's fucking average.
Their Purpose: Quite simply, the hard-working bartender is there to balance out the work the hot eye candy bartenders are not doing. While the others are flirting, the hard working bartender is getting drinks, talking to the alcoholics, and cleaning up the ditzytenders messes. Basically, their in control of the bar, while the eye candy brings in the tips. Fair, it is not, but the hard-working bartender doesn't care. Even though they keep up on the latest trends in barkeeping, new shots, and the advantages of wheat beer to ones prostate health, they will go home with just as much as the "OMG:-)LOLtender." FOR SHAME!
Job Requirements: Do Most of the Work

The Hot Bartender
Appearance: Big breasts/penis, Sexy tanned, Ripped/skinny, HAWT TO THE BONE
Traits: Ditzy, Flirty, Just. Plain. Hot. Seriously, most bars in Chicago make you send in your picture to apply for jobs. Think that's so they can put it on the wall? THINK AGAIN!
Their Purpose: One purpose only: $$$$. Hot people are funner to look at, draw more tips, and generally bring it horny guys and girls that are getting drunker and more horny by the millisecond. They may have to deal with disgusting people more than the hard-worker but nobody said the world's all flowers and ladybugs. I mean, sometimes it is. But not when you have some 50-year old hillbilly calling you "sugartits." Trust me, I would know. I went to school in Missouri.
Job Requirements: Induce Boners

The Barback
Appearance: Skinny, Minority, or like those midgets from Lord of the Rings. What are they called? No, I mean besides lame movie characters. (Backlash in 3, 2, 1......)
Traits: Hard-working, not hard-enough, not much personality. There's something holding him back, but whattttttt? I mean, just because he chose ABBA on the jukebox the first night he worked, that doesn't mean he should be held back. There's nothing wrong with ABBA. Nothing. I mean, they made a Broadway play about them and I can't listen to them in a bar WELL FUCK YOU BAR I WANNA LISTEN TO DANCING QUEEN WHILE I"M CLEANING SHIT UP! (Ed.'s Note: Well, I don't even need to say anything really, do I?)
Their Purpose: To clean everything up. Fast. If they don't clean it all up fast, why the hell are they there? The answer: they aren't. There's hundreds of other "hard-working for low-pay workers" (read: illegal immigrants) that would swoop in and take their trabajo. NO BIEN! Limpias las manos en el bano AHORA, Miguel! AHORA! Algo corporativo es la banda más atractiva jamás. Tengo no mas comprension de espanol.
Job Requirements: Look Much Uglier and Be Willing to Do Much More Work than Hot Women Pictured Above

The Owner:
Appearance: Fat, Beard, Unkempt, Aged Horribly
Traits: Stressed to no end, Whiny, Usually not nice but let's be honest, you can't be nice to your employees and own a successful bar. Not possible.
Their Purpose: Their purpose is to run the day to day operations of the bar that nobody in the history of the world knows how horrible it actually is to own a bar. Everybody, at least once in their life, will at least temporarily contemplate how awesome it would be to own a bar. No. It's no much crap work for a risky investment that it nearly kills you from the stress. But the owner does it. Do you know why? So people like me and you can go boss around their lackeys for vodka tonics and shots that only exist in our heads that nobody has ever heard of. But damnit. We're the customer. And you're gonna make my fucking shot. Because I have money. And the owner wants it. Notice how. I don't really need. To put periods. In-between these words. What. Ever.
Job Requirement: Be Fat, Near Alcoholism, and Have High Blood Pressure

That'll do it for another great edition of drunk personalities! You love it don't you? I know you do, that's why I wrote it. Jerks. Anyway, I do have some exciting news. But before I go on, I must stress that this is not a promise, but a possibility. Too many people were upset deeply (read: one) by my last guest blogger's failure to write a paragraph in over a month. But he's been forever banned. And I have a new, real, enthusiastic guest blogger in his midsts. What he'll write about, I have no idea, but that's up to him. And hopefully it'll be soon. But this time I have more confidence that it'll actually get done. So get excited for that. I mean, the writing quality will probably be a little "off" from what you're used to, but I'm willing to give aspiring alcohol enthusiasts the chance to write about their enthusiasm. Until next time, aur revoir muchacho/as!

Where Do You Belong?

Everybody belongs somewhere. Well, I take that back. Some people are big losers. But everyone else belongs somewhere. Throughout life we continually search for our place in the world. Where do we live? Where do we eat? Where do we have sex? Where do we eat while having sex? Such hard questions that take a lifetime (or a few drinks) to figure out. But when it comes to where to drink, people need to fit in just like they do in their cozy suburb. Some people need help figuring it out. Here's where their help comes from. How To Tell Where You Should Be Drinking. Now let's make like Annie Lennox and walk on some broken glass. That made sense, trust me.

Sports Bar
Common Features: Lots of TV's, Lots of Men, Lots of Beer, Sports Decorations All Over, Fat People.
Do I Belong? You simply need to ask yourself the following questions: Do I Like Beer? Do I Like Sports? Am I Married? Do I Like Sports More than Women? Do I Like Sports More than My Family? Do I Like Buffalo Wings More than My Family? If you've answered yes to two of these questions or more, you belong at a sports bar. Obviously, it takes a special type of woman to belong at a sports star and there are only two questions to find out the answer: Are you a lesbian? and Are you Canadian? Answer yes to either, and you belong at a sports bar.
Pictured: Sports Bar's Attendees Look-A-Like

Dive Bar
Common Features: Pungent Smells, Low Lighting, Silence, Alcoholics, Cheap Prices
Do I Belong? Ask yourself these questions: Am I an Alcoholic? Are You Looking to Drink During the Day Without Anyone Finding Out? Do I Not Care About Personal Hygiene? Am I Going to Pay For My Beer in Quarters Because I Have No Bills? Did My Wife/Girlfriend or Husband/Boyfriend just leave me for the 24-year old Colombian Maid/Pool Boy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you belong at a dive bar. And that's really a downer. Because if you belong at a dive bar, you have lost all shame. You might as well walk outside on Tuesday morning in sweatpants and your spaghetti stained shirt.
Pictured: Mickey Mouse's Drunk Cousins He Doesn't Want You to Know About

Jazz Bar
Common Features: Jazz, Wine, Candlelight, Faux Romanticism, Clever Words to Make Me Seem Smart.
Do I Belong? Again, ask yourself the following: Are you happily Married/In a Relationship? Do you like jazz more than most music? Do you like wine better than the better liquors? Are you over 40? Are you pretentious, i.e. are you a hipster? Do you enjoy taking it easy over having fun? Are you the death of fun? Do you play jazz flute like little fairy boys? (note: this is a movie quote, not an insult) If you answered yes to two or more, you belong in a jazz bar. If you answered yes to all, congratulations, you are the oldest people to ever read my blog. You win an early bedtime and an AARP membership.
Pictured: Class

Dance Bar
Common Features: Dancing, Loud, Blaring Techno that Makes Your Hear Nearly Explode, $15 drinks, People More Attractive than Me or You Dancing Together While We Try to Figure Out If It's Even Worth Going Out On the Dance Floor and Asking Someone Way Out of Our League to Dance and Look Like Losers When They Reject Us.
Do I Belong? Pose in the Mirror and ask yourself these questions: Are you a high roller? Are you addicted to coke/ecstasy? Are you a good dancer with no personality? Are you a good looking human? Do you have enough money to pay for all those $20 shots? Really? Are You Sure You Aren't Lying? Do you enjoy headaches because of music and not hangovers? Have you ever just let loose to your all time fav jam, like, tots all night? Would you reject me if I asked to talk/dance/come within 20 feet of you? Is your name Eric Prydz? If you answered yes to two or three of these questions, then you belong in a dance bar. I'll see you there after they make me wait in line for two hours.
Pictured: Three Pussies

Gay Bar
Common Features: FlamBOYance, Style, Ironic Decor, Fun Music, Dance Parties, Guys Singing Britney.
Do I Belong? Grab a orange mocha frappuccino and answer these inquiries: Are You Gay or Bi-Sexual? Are you a straight girl thinking "I JUST WANT TO DANNNNNNNCE!"? Are you looking for a challenge? Do You Watch Project Runway? Do you spend longer than 15 minutes on your hair? No, but seriously, are you gay? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, you belong in a Gay Bar. Gay bar's are crazy. They're like dance bars without the attitude of all the douchebag Italians.
PIctured: Antarctica's Only Gay Bar


Topless Bar
Common Features: Boobs. Naked.
Do I Belong? Are you a male with very little chance of getting laid tonight? Are you married and shameless? Do you like seeing girls naked? Did your dad not love you enough? Do you hate yourself and project that onto women? Are you a Senator? Do you watch porn daily? Do you like crappy buffets? Do you have an hour to kill during the workday? Are you a black professional athlete? Are you just a creepy dude overall? Are you a girl that has been asked by her boyfriend to go that wants her boyfriend to owe her one so he'll finally take you to that posh new Asian Fusion restaurant on State St.? If you answered yes to two questions, or more, than you belong at a Topless Bar. Congratulations, you aren't getting laid tonight. Unless you pay extra.
Pictured: Winners


I would hope after reading this you now know where you belong. And if you don't think it fits you, then maybe you need to take a look at your life. Go test out my theories tonight, readers. It is Tuesday, after all. Enjoy and thank me later. Until next time, which will likely be my guest blogger Jeremy Kase's first post, I bid you adieu.

Drunk Personalities: Men

Seeing as how I've already tackled the drunk personalities of women, it's time to add another chapter to the series. That is, if I've already done women, what's left? Yup. You guessed it (hopefully), men. What are men like while drunk? Read on and find out, ladies. (Do any ladies actually read this?)

The Bro Raper
Common Offenders: Current and Former Frat boys
Traits: Tan, Ripped, Bleached Hair, Possible Popped Collar, Definitely hates me
But Why? The direct opposite of the "Whoo!" Girls, Bro Rapers end every sentence with bro. Yeah, bro! For sure, bro! Everything is "as fuck." Drunk as fuck, jacked as fuck, fucked as fuck. The possibilities for lameness are endless. While drunk, these trends are amplified. They will hit on your girlfriend. Usually, they only go for obviously drunk young chicks. Pretty much too cool for anything but grinding, hitting on girls, or drinking some brewski's with his broski's. Also may sport a hat that is bright white, just tilted a little to the side. But only if he's feeling limber.



The Heavily Hammered
Common Offender: Really Skinny, Really Fat, and/or Really Ugly People
Traits: Ugly, Fat, Skinny, Cockblock, Fun, Teeny bit annoying
But Why? The Heavily Hammered are there to do one thing and one thing only: get FUCKED UP! And they will say it like that. They are loud, funny, and out of control. Will hang around any of his friends that aren't hitting on girls. Usually, the Heavily Hammered is too debilitated to pick up girls, which is why he compensates and gets hammered. He will never stop drinking throughout the night until he pukes in your back seat when you're 10 feet away from his driveway.



The One or Two
Common Offenders: Good Looking Guys out to pick up girls
Traits: Good-Looking, Well-Groomed, Not Me
But Why? The One or Two will only have one or two. He won't get that drunk because he needs to be on top of his game. He'll be on the prowl for drunk girls. He may even go to the bar alone, he's that confident in his game. He'll nurse his beer like he's moonlighting at the hospital. To him, Girls > Fun. Which is sometimes true, but not 100% of the time, but it is to him. Usually the guy in the group that everyone gets pissed at because he's good at everything he does.



The Creep
Common Offenders: Men with little to no social skills
Traits: Awkward, Creepy, Just.....strange.
But Why? The creep, normally reserved when sober, comes out completely when drunk. He's too forward, says things that are baffling, and doesn't know when to stop. Will probably be the guy that cock-blocks you because he thinks he's still got a shot with the girl you were just making out with on the dance floor. Even the drunkest of people can sense the creepiness. Probably was/is in a long relationship that has caused his social skills to deteriorate.


The Reverter
Common Offenders: Shy guys trying to get over the ex, in a fight with their current girl, or just lacking confidence
Traits: Stand-offish, depressed, fragile.
But Why? The Reverter just can't get over the bad things that have happened to him. Fight or break-up, possibly just unsuccessful with women in general, just reverts him back to his old, shy self. He's not fun to hang out with and alcohol makes it terribly worse. He'll probably spend most of the night in the corner, texting his ex, and wallowing in self-pity. Could be a fun guy but only if everything is going right for him. The most annoying type of guy drunk there is.


The Sophisticated
Common Offenders: Rich Guys, in general
Traits: Rich, Stylish, Suave, Stuck-Up
But Why? The Sophisticated has enough to spend on the entire bar. He'll be buying Grey Goose Martini's for him and all the girl's he's flirting with. Likely married and cheating. Only hangs out in the most expensive, cool bars around. Likely lives in the city or in a rich suburb. Isn't afraid to flaunt his money but won't "make it rain" or anything. The more of them there are, the more they flaunt it. The kind of guys that get DUI's even though they could probably hire a driver. Will buy a girl any and every drink she wants. May roofie.



The Fighter
Common Offenders: The Insecure, the Emotional, the Stupid, Meatheads
Traits: Angry, Stupid, Emotional,
But Why? Drinking is supposed to be fun but not for these guys. That guy glance at you for more than two seconds? "God, I'm gonna pound that douche." Bump into you in a crowded bar? "What the fuck, bra?" Likely also a "Bro Raper" drunk. There's just something about alcohol that makes the fighter want to fight and do nothing else. He's just begging for a reason to get in your face and look like a total badass, even though he's looking like a total ass. He's not secure enough with himself to just have fun, so he thinks he needs to prove something to everyone by beating on smaller people. Also, I hate these people because they can all kill me.



The Michael Francis Dolan
Common Offenders: Well, me. What are you, dumb?
Traits: Uber-Attractive, Funny, Smart, Loveable, just plain magic in bed and never exaggerates.
But Why? My drunkenness is one of a kind, or so I've heard. When drinking, rarely anything can get M.F. Dolan down. He may not be the life of the party, but everyone at the party loves that he's there. Even him being belligerent is fun because he's not too loud or stupid, just plain fun. Never fights or wants to, would rather drink with a person that just bumped into him. The perfect kind of drunk. The drunk I wish everyone was. He steals your women, drinks your Patron, hits on your mom, and is an excellent drunk writer. You may hate him because of that, but guess what? Everyone else does not.



There you have it. I'm sure you can lump all of your male friends into at least one of these categories. Trust me, I know drunk people. I was basically fertilized in red wine and rum anyway. But I'm not too much into the conclusion today. So I'm going to leave you with this, a dynamite video that will make you more awesome for having watched it. Here it is. It's humorous.

Drunk Personalities: Women

Lately, I figure I haven't given the blog much variety. Drunk Michael Bay Review here, mailbag there and not much else in between. So I'm gonna try out a few new segments for a little change of pace. Don't worry, I'll still be turning all my attention to booze and women. I'm assuming you all know what types of drunks you are (i.e. angry, fun, creepy). But what kind of drunks are women? I'll admit that I know so little about women. But if there is one think I know about them...it's what kind of drunks they are. I hope. Anyways, here are The Various Personalities of Drunk Girls.

The Bitch
Common Offenders: Really, Really Hot Girls that know it.
Drunk Traits: Bitchy, Sarcastic, Dismissive, Stuck Up.
But Why? Sobriety helps keep cockiness in check. So when a hot girl, that obviously knows it, has had a little too much to drink, modesty is not processed by the liver. Try and talk to her, you will get rejected. You know why? You definitely aren't good enough for her! I mean, she'll tell you she made out with Robert Downey Jr. in Vegas and he's the one who calls her. See her looking at you from across the room? She's not checking you out, she's judging you. Hard.




The Slut
Common Offenders: Marginally attractive girls compensating for not being more attractive, Horny Girls.
Drunk Traits: Sloppy, Messy, Aggressive, and just...slutty
But Why? The Slut is an insecure drunk. You wouldn't know it from the way she acts, but she just wants to be liked. That's why she'll sleep with you: because she thinks that's the only way you'll like her. When she's had too much alcohol, BAM!, her clothes are as good as off. And she will have too much alcohol. On the verge of vomiting, probably. Granted, some girls are just sluts because they love sex. But these sluts are much more emotionally unstable. The sex will probably be good but you might wake up in the morning and say to yourself "I've made a huge mistake." She's not the worst kind of drunk. Unless she gives you chlamydia.




The Hot Mess
Common Offenders: Good looking girls that have drank themselves stupid.
Drunk Traits: Total lack of inhibitions, Instant Mood Swings, Confusion.
But Why? The hot mess is having a really bad or really good day. Maybe she just broke up with her BF or got a promotion at work. But she's letting it all out. She wants either to make it a night to forget or a night to remember. You'll see her at the bar doing a few rounds of Lemon Drops then getting on the dance floor and dancing with her girls. If you aren't a "hot" guy, this type of drunk is your only chance to sex up a girl much hotter than you.



The "Taken"
Common Offenders: Girls with boyfriends
Drunk Traits: Reserved, quiet, polite.
But Why? They'll wait 20 minutes into a conversation that they have a boyfriend, but c'mon! You should already know that (why do u do this, ladies?)!! She's trying to have fun, but doesn't want to get too wild. She'll often be the one in the group who drives to the bar or waits for their friend(s). Will you score with her? Probably not. Doesn't mean you can't try. The "Taken" is a challenge. Beware.



The Criers
Common Offenders: Lame-o's
Drunk Traits: Mood swinging like crazy, unstable, loud, complainer.
But Why? There are some girls who just have to wait to get drunk to cry. And those that do will snap at any instant. Hot girl walks by? "Waaaaaa...I used to be that hot." Usually, it's not what happens that makes cry but a whole bunch of pent up issues. Well, thanks for letting me get to deal with that! I just met you 20 minutes ago but let me solve your emotional problems! This is what they will expect. She'll either fall asleep on your shoulder with mascara all over your new Lacoste polo or in your bed staining your satin sheets. Try to stay away from this one. Ugh.



The Way-Too-Personal
Common Offenders: Girls with deep-seeded emotional problems
Drunk Traits: Attention-hogging, seems really cool, hesitant.
But Why? Hey, we're about to have sex on the first we met but you tell me you're molested? That's what you're dealing with her. "I was raped when I was 5." "My Dad used to hit me." "My grandpa was hit by a crashing airplane last year and I just can't deal with it." Things like this are sometimes better saved for date number 3 or 4 and even then it's a little off-putting. You don't hear me talking about my problems. Saying stuff like this is your invitation to please get away from me, ladies.



The "Whoo!" Girls
Common Offenders: Former or current sorority girls
Drunk Traits: Obnoxious, "Like, totally, whatever," attractive, dressed to impress.
But Why? Whoo girls are simply that: girls that go "Whooo!" whenever something exciting is happening. Who needs a toast when you just have to yell "Whoo!" These groups of girls are basically a guys dream: hot, unintelligent girls looking to get really drunk. If you can handle all the Whoo!'s then there is absolutely no reason why you should be standing on the other side of the room. Buy them a drink, scream along, and they'll love you forever. Or about 30 seconds.



The Dream Girl
Common Offenders: Ultra-hot, modest girls. (About as rare as an eclipse)
Drunk Traits: Fun, Funny, Wild, Spontaneous, Not Slutty but Not Prude.
Do They Exist? See that 10 over there sipping on her Guinness (oh yeah, she can handle the heavy stuff.)? She's not a bitch. Go see, I'll wait. The "Dream Girl" rarely exists in reality. It's the girl you meet that you can't believe likes you, the one that always makes you think your a Double-A relief pitcher starting in the big leagues. She's drunk but not stupid. She's funny but not obnoxious. She doesn't play games and if she does, they're fun. Every night a guy go's out and will pick a "best-case scenario" girl. Usually, it doesn't pan out. But when a guy has that girl picked out, she can do no wrong. Thus, the first night he meets her he will walk away thinking the girl is perfect and, thus, the dream girl. There's nothing a girl can really do to become a dream girl except stand there and look pretty.




Well, that's it today for the blog. Hope you enjoyed further insight into the female psyche. It's complicated yet so so simple. At least when they're drunk. When they're sober, don't ask me for any advice. I'll keep this short today since I'm a busy man but always remember: if you don't meet them at a bar, then where do you meet them? (No seriously, where do people meet?) Anyways, until next time, bon voyage my lovely readers!