The After-Hours Party

Ahhh the word "Let's Keep Drinking!" when you leave the bar...is there any more dangerous statement? I think not. Well, besides maybe "I'm gonna kill my wife with a toothpick." The After-Party is an abomination of shit-faced proportions. It's at the point where, besides sex, there's no reason you should stay up any longer. It's a desperate plea for those too drunk to no and too horny to accept no as an answer. But, if you're gonna have one, you should do it right. Necessities of the After-Party.


Seating
If She's Pooping, Is That Picture Less Hot? I Say No.
Examples: Couch(es), Chairs, Beanbags, Toilets, Floors. Anywhere you can put your butt down without being in pain. So like, that girl above? Her sitting on my lap would hurt. Me. Cause she'd be sitting on my boner. And not while having sex...just sitting.
How It Helps Your After-Party: Drunk people are always bumbling, stumbling, tumbling onto the ground, so sometimes it's a good idea to let them sit down (not always. remember: pain is funny on other people). For your party, you're gonna want a few chairs or a couch so they can take part in the trend known as sitting. It's quite fun. Besides, if you don't have somewhere to sit in your place, that's pretty embarrassing. So that "Well, maybe..." from the 225 lb stunner you met at the bar's vending machine will turn into "Do you have any steak?" Or just "No."
Stay Ahead of the Game: Put a tarp or crappy blanket over your couch; that way, the vomit or spilled food will be easier to clean/not make your couch utterly hideous!

Food
You see, it makes sense because the sandwich sorta looks like a penis. And the girl, a hooker.
Examples: Chips, Pizza, Pretzels, a French Roommate that majors in Home Ec.
How It Helps Your After-Party: Drunk people get hungry. There's always one in every group that is hungry at the end of the night. And after they mention it, food seems like a good idea to anyone around them. So it's a good idea to have some food. (Probably is, anyway). Forewarning, it will be mostly gone after they leave but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that drunk people you didn't have sex with ate all your food and left that mess of half eaten edible undies that someone found in your underwear drawer while "looking for a rubber, bro!"
Stay Ahead of the Game: Bring out the shitty, older food that you don't really like! Drunk people will eat anything with salt!

Boobs
Yeah. Those.
Examples: A Cups, B Cups, C Cups, D Cups, DD Cups, Man Boobs.
How It Helps Your After-Party: I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. If Boobs come to the party, other Boobs will want to come to your party. If there are many Boobs, there will be more things to look at. And, if you're lucky, play with. They are also useful if you need milk for your White Russians. What's that you say? Girls aren't just boobs? Hush, B-Cup! I don't hear mammoryspeak from any Boobs under 30C!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Make sure you have a few good porno's loaded for when you get home--just in case!

Cleaning Products
Maids also Work
Examples: Comet, Windex, Paper Towels, Mexicans, Cubans, Colombians, Hot Latina Women that like to get their hands dirty.
How It Helps Your After-Party: The after-party usually resolves in someone getting sick. But the prepared drunk host is a clean drunk host! Invest in some cleaning products or threaten some illegal immigrants that you'll report them to the INS and you should be fine. After all, those Icehouses aren't going to be drank then thrown up while you watch Pablo clean by themselves!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Those people that look like getting sick can just be locked outside until the next morning!

Booze
Pictured: Skol Vodka
Examples: Beer, Vodka, Whiskey, Absinthe, Paint Thinner, Nyquil, Lindsay Lohan's Blood
How It Helps Your After-Party: Generally, people go to after-parties to drink more. So if you have drink, that can help. If not, maybe you can get that pushover in your group to go get some. The after-party is a great way to unload unwanted booze. At the point of drunkenness people are usually at during an after-party, it won't matter if you serve them Kristal or CatPiss Champagne. Rejoice! Hosting the after party usually gives you a better chance at getting laid. Why? Well, drunk people are lazy. If they're already somewhere and hammered they might look for a bed or couch to sleep on. But beware! Don't be The Sexless Innkeeper! Kick them out unless they're getting down! Boom!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Have a condom! They work good for sex things!

The Weekend Battle: Thursday vs. Friday vs. Saturday

With Thursday gaining such popularity, especially among college students, it leaves one to wonder: what is the best day of the weekend? It has became a three-way battle with this revelation and let me tell you: I know nothing about three-ways. And since I likely will never find out for free, I decided to consult my alter ego on this battle, for he has seen and done it all. I've decided to make The Weekend Battle a weekly segment, coming to you every Friday to prepare you for the upcoming debauchery feasts that you will partake in. But as for today, let's debate it: Thursday vs. Friday vs. Saturday.

Thursday
On Thursday, Taco Bell and Wiener isn't that Uncommon.
Pro's: Thursdays usually bring out the best drink specials of the week, even for suburban and city bars. Bars don't need help getting people out on Fridays and Saturdays but the usually ridiculous Thursday specials tend to draw a crowd. And there's nothing like a few $1 beers to make it feel like it's an early weekend.
Con's: Well, for one, most people have to wake up for work/school on Friday morning so those specials can really hurt the day after. Nobody wants their Friday's to be ruined. And getting worn down on Thursday night can make you look like a loser the rest of the weekend. If you're a pussy.

Friday
Nothing Like the Innocence of a Child to Pick Up Your Spirits
Pro's: Everyone's out and about. Bars are crowded with music. People are in the mood to party. The school/work week is (usually) over and the name of the game is leisure. Parties are "hopping" (do people s till use that word?) and bitches are bopping. Drunken sex is in the air. Life just feels better on Friday.
Con's: Bars can get overcrowded with loud music making it impossible to hear. People are much more belligerent and sometimes annoying. Getting rejected by a drunk person is a real bad blow to the ego. Drunken masturbating is depressing. Rarely any drink specials.

Saturday
I Think That Translates to "Boobs"
Pro's: It's your last chance to let loose before the end of the weekend. Bars and clubs are still crowded. Such establishments are usually open later on Saturdays than any other days. You can acceptably drink all day on Saturdays. More sports games are on to watch while out or before going out.
Con's: People often use Saturdays to relax. Rarely any drink specials. A bad night on Saturday can damper the outlook of the weekend. Spending Sunday, your last day to unwind, hungover can be frustrating. People are just plain drained and it often takes more convincing to get people to go out on Saturday than Sunday.


So, Who's The Winner?
Well, it can be relative but the eternal winner for best weekend day will always be Friday. There is that feeling on Friday's that Saturday or Thursday cannot match. Debate over and settled!

Enjoy your weekend!

St. Patrick's Day: A Drunk History

St. Patrick's Day is just one of those days that gets people all riled up and such. Green beer, green clothes, green food, green everything. It's a glorious day. But do you know anything about it? I THOUGHT NOT! Well, most of you know about Christmas and Jesus, Thanksgiving and the Pilgrims, and the 4th of July and rednecks. So, I thought I'd spread the greenish words of glory onto those who have little clue what it's all about. Going Green: Facts, Fun, and the History of St. Patrick's Day.


St. Patrick's Day Facts

True Life: I'm a Drunk Irish Low-Level Blogger

-St. Patrick's Day was first celebrated in the 1600's in Ireland, but many Irish claim it was even before then that it was celebrated.
-It's popularity is due to the fact that the Irish Catholics used St. Patrick's Day as a break during Lent, so that they could drink. It eventually became an annual tradition.
-Originally, the color Blue was widely associated with the holiday. The color green was adopted to honor St. Patrick, who used the 3-leaf clovered shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to the Irish while converting them. And also...Ireland is very green, not blue.
-St. Patrick's Day wasn't as widely celebrated until the Irish government began to promote in the mid-1990s to gain tourism for Ireland and spread the Irish culture, like Australians do with Cinco de Mayo.
-"Erin Go Braugh" means "Ireland Forever." You should ask anyone that says what it means and if they don't know, you should slap them. In the balls.
-Although 38 Million Americans claim Irish ancestry, only 135,000 were born in Ireland.
-St. Patrick was actually born in Britain.

St. Patrick's Day Fun

Asian Girls Drinkin' Guinness. Doesn't Get Much More Irish than that.

-There are 48,000 bars in America that serve green beer on St. Patrick's Day
-"Slainte" is the most common Irish toast, meaning "health."
-Boston has the longest running St. Patrick's Day parade in the United States, the first being in 1737. This was the first St. Patrick's Day parade in the world, ever.
-The only countries that get off work for the day are Ireland, Montserrat, and the Canadian territory Newfoundland. Montserrat, a small Caribbean island, was founded by Irish refugees and the day celebrates a slave uprising in the late 1700s.
-Black and Tans, Irish Coffee, and "Light" beer will all get you made fun of, if you order them in Ireland.


Why Do People Drink on St. Patrick's Day? Just Because?
Pictured: Irish Pride

There is actually a legitimate reason that drinking on St. Patrick's Day became a tradition, besides all the fun. It comes from an old Irish lesson. As it's told, St. Patrick was served a glass of whiskey that was far from full. To teach the bar owner a lesson in generosity, he told the owner that there was a devil in the basement of the bar that grew stronger with every bit of dishonesty that took place inside. To get rid of the devil, the owner must change his ways. St. Patrick returned to the bar some time later, this time to find the owner overflowing customer's glasses with whiskey. He took the owner down to the basement and declared the demon gone. St. Patrick proclaimed afterwords that "everyone should have a drop of the hard stuff" on his Feast Day. This drinking of the hard stuff is known as "Patrick's Pot" or "Drowning the Shamrock," as it is custom to float a shamrock in their drink before imbibing.
Sometime later, in Heaven, St. Patrick was voted the "Saint With the Best Feast Day," just ahead of St. Valentine and little-known saint, St. Flag O'Day.


That's all I have for you....have a fun, safe, and very, very green St. Patrick's Day. Oh, and drunk. Have a drunk St. Patrick's Day!

Origins of Obscenity

When people are drinking, it's commonplace to get louder and looser with obscene language. But everywhere we go, there's different types of vulgarity. What is offensive here might go unnoticed somewhere else. I thought you should know this the next time you're traveling. Here's a Dolan's Guide to Foreign Offensive Hand Gestures.


V-Sign

Where It's Used: Britain, Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand.
What It Means: "Fuck off, you (French) twat"
It's Origins: During the 100 years war between France and Great Britain, the French would often threaten to cut off the shooting fingers (middle and index) of any archers that were captured. British archers would flash this v-sign (with the palm facing yourself, not the person you're flashing it to) in a sign of utter defiance. Also, they probably didn't believe the French would cut them off anyone. After all, they're French. The only war they've won is against themselves (French Revolution).


Bras d'honneur

Where It's Used: Spain, Portugal, Latin America, Italy, Poland, Russian countries.
What It Means: "Up Yours" or "Fuck Off"
It's Origins: Originated presumably in France, where everything dirty seemingly originates. The bras d'honneur (the arm of honor) is an insulting gesture since it implies someone sticking something so far up a certain opening that it can't go any further. Otherwise, there really is no origin story. Originally though, the French meant to be an ironic pick-up line in bars, since they have small penises.

Moutza

Where It's Used: Greece
What It Means: "Eat Shit" or "Take That"
It's Origins: In 7th Century BC Byzantine (now Istanbul, Turkey), a chained criminal would be paraded around town, sitting on a donkey with their face covered in cinder. Since "moutza" was the word for cinder in ancient Greek, it became known as an insult for a common criminal. Another theory is that these criminals had poop thrown at them and the moutza is how the thrower of poop's hand ended up after they threw it. It's vitally important that, when in Greece, you don't wave goodbye to anyone or show them the number 5 with your hands. Your wine will otherwise be garnished with a bit of saliva.

Open Palm

Where It's Used: Some African and Caribbean countries.
What It Means: "You Have 5 fathers" or "You're a bastard"
It's Origins: Since the loss of parents is much more common in poorer countries like Africa and Caribbean countries, there are more orphans than you could imagine. Thus, one of the more popular and offensive insults is the open palm, basically calling someone a bastard. It's really a sad insult, as poverty really has no winners. And if you did it in America someone would just give you a high five. Which might explain why that Egyptian guy was pissed at me when I high-fived him after spilling my drink on him last week.

Thumbs Up

Where It's Used: Iran, Afghanistan, Nigeria, and parts of Italy/Greece
What It Means: "Sit on my dick, asshole" (hey, don't blame me. i'm just the messenger....of awesomeness!)
It's Origins: Contrary to popular belief, in Ancient Roman gladiator battles, a thumbs up actually meant that the gladiator was to be killed, not spared. In many movies such as Gladiator and Spartacus, they get this historical fact very wrong. Thus, it already had the stigma of being the signal of death, so it made a very smooth transition to being the signal of someone calling you an asshole. Thus, if you're in any of the above areas, you might wanna find a different hand signal if you're gonna hitchhike. But if you're hitchhiking in Nigeria, Iran, or Afghanistan....hand signals are probably the least of your worries.

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: In It To Win It

The titles just get more and more creative, don't they? Well, the segment you all know (perhaps love?) is back for a limited time. I think this is the second to last in the monumental Bring It On series, so I'll try and finish what I started. After all, nobody likes a quitter. Here we go with Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: In It to Win It

00:00:00: I'm drinking Vodka Martinis. Class class class.

00:00:01: This has a "N/A" on Rotten Tomatoes, so I'm holding out hope that his will be the Citizen Kane of straight-to-DVD cheerleader movies.

00:00:24: What morons are renting this after the three other ones? (*looks in mirror*)

00:01:04: There isn't a hair on screen that isn't blonde.

00:01:33: Script by Mike's Former Gym Teacher

00:02:04: Cheerleader in a Jason mask. What? (Checks title of movie.) Oh yeah, nevermind.

00:03:12: Cheerleading camp is not fun. Tell it, cliche black girl!

00:03:40: "Dibs on their entrails." I swear, that just happened.

00:04:20: Epitomized? That's a pretty big word for Bring It On 4.

00:05:57: That is the blondest blonde I've ever blonded.

00:06:18: Note to self: Guerillia Warfare does NOT involve actual gorillas.

00:07:00: How come girls didn't have these kinda boobs in high school? Would have been such a better excuse for me not getting laid.

00:07:44: I don't think that's the right way to say "you've got skid marks."

00:08:30: This guy is like half-Indian, half-Vietnamese with a rat tail. Which is funny, because Veitnamese eat rat. It's like he's eating his own hair! EWWWWW!

00:09:39: Do girls actually like licking ass? That's gross, ladies. Oh wait, she said abs.

00:10:55: It's true, girls, guys do hate biters.

00:11:31: Sue me, so far I like it.

00:11:59: This girl's name is Chicago? I know black ppl like to be creative, but c'mon.

00:12:50: That'd be hotter if you were in a skirt, darling.

00:13:44: That stick she's holding is full of spirit, alright. And you'll get to feel it's aura all night. (Get it? It was a sex joke.)

00:14:33: The Cheer Gods? Are they named "Like" "Totally" and "Whatever"?

00:14:55: Girl just slapped her ass. BRB.

00:15:42: Inter-cheer-racial relationship. You see, it's funny because their cheerleaders.

00:16:45: Apparently, one of these girls is Ashley Tisdale's sister. I can only imagine that phone call: "Hey, Ashley, wanna do Bring It On 4? Oh ok, can you hand the phone to your sister?"

00:17:38: Cheer skirts, that's better. Don't worry, they're all 18. At least....shit, no more sex jokes.

00:18:39: Points will be deducted for bad facials. Wait...is this porn?

00:19:16: That's not dancing. That's the move I like to call "I'm a Slut So I Call Shaking My Ass Dancing"

00:20:12: Smile, emo girl. JESUS she's wearing vampire teeth. Note to self: Make sure my girlfriend doesn't turn emo.

00:21:00: Drink #2, on it's way. Too early for another drink? Shut up, you're not watching Bring It On 4.

00:21:01: Side Note: Can you use black olives for martinis? If not, I just wasted a ton of vodka.

00:21:15: Fairy Gothmother? Shut up and keep looking good in that bikini.

00:21:57: Cheer off on the beach. Written exculsively by 4th Grader Susie Johnson.

00:23:02: Popped a chubber. Classy way of saying you just got a boner.

00:23:40: This gay guy is annoying. Not because he's gay, but because the guy who wrote this obviously has never met a gay person before.

00:24:32: One conversation with Rat-Tail and this girl's acting like she's in love. See, this is why I chose to be abstinent in high school.

00:25:30: Fire, water, earth and air with the Spirit Stick in the center. cough*TheFifthElement*cough

00:26:40: Why can't I delete you? Funny, that's what I've been thinking for 27 minutes.

00:27:27: This is Romeo & Juliet, mixed with West Side Story, mixed with Down's Syndrome.

00:28:25: Wet T-Shirt Carwashes exist?!?! WHERE?!

00:29:00: Am I high or is that guy wearing a dog hat? WHOA nope. Dude just got his pants pulled off. That is NOT a dog.

00:30:15: Rat tail and the blonde are going on a 40 year long walk. Whatever, I'd still rather be watching this than Dear John.

00:31:01: Asian just made a karate joke. Then got a kiss. How come my karate jokes never work?

00:31:50: This is by far the gayest Latino on the planet.

00:32:34: The Rat Tail Asian wants to dance with the Jewish Princess. Reminds me of my first time. What?

00:33:33: Is that a cameraman in the CENTER OF THE SHOT? Oh wait they mean for us to see it. By "us" I mean "me" since no sane person would ever get this from Netflix.

00:34:38: Somebody jacked the spirit stick. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha. BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

00:35:23: OK, I'll say it. Somebody get Ashley Tisdale's sister a lead role in a serious dramatic movie. It'll win Best Comedy at the Golden Globes for sure.

00:36:48: What accent is this woman doing? Southern? Moroccan? Chilean? That would explain the earthquake. What? Too soon?

00:37:45: Hey, you can't go down head first down the slide? Someone kick the gay Latino out of the waterpark!

00:38:17: Now bad things are happening to all of them since they lost the spirit stick. you make your own luck ladies, just ask Dusty Baker in October 2003. JACKASS MOTHERFUCKER.

00:39:28: Wow, those are some nice eyes. I mean, it's not so often you see an Asian guy with baby blues. Whoa shit I'm typing this aren't I....

00:40:25: They are circling a bonfire....doing a "cheersacrifice"....please let it be me.

00:41:00: I wish I had that "Sassy Broadway Show Tunes" CD. I mean, I've been listening to the Wicked soundtrack lately and...it's delightful.

00:42:00: No. They're actually doing it. They are re-enacting a scene from West Side Story. Western Civilization = Over. Kill me. WHO WROTE THIS AND SAID HEY JOHN LETS RE-ENACT WEST SIDE STORY BECAUSE THIS IS BRING IT ON 4 AND WE NEED TO BRING IT!

00:43:12: Chugging faster in hopes that I will blackout from this horrible, horrible scene.

00:44:44: That girl's reading The Art of War. Come to meeeeeeeeeee.

00:45:19: Girl is having a dream about being cheerleading bums. But actually bums. Have you ever seen Evil Dead 2? I feel like it's that, but more......there really is no word. It's just fucking retarded.

00:46:40: DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR CHEER DREAMS! I NEED TO FINISH THE VODKA!

00:47:00: Switching to Red Bull/Vodka. It can't be any worse than the Black Olive Dirty Martini I just had. OR CAN IT? Stay tuned.

00:47:44: Stupid whores. That's all.

00:48:20: Hilary Duff Light? More like Hilary Duff Caffeine Free Diet Light.

00:49:00: Enemies becoming friends. Lovely.

00:49:59: God, I can't stop staring at Tisdale's boobs. Shit, I'm typing again aren't I?

00:50:44: We're the "Shets." Apparently, this is the best combination of Sharks and Jets. Not Sharts?

00:51:55: Booty dancing practice. My favorite kind of practice. Besides sex practice. That's funner.

00:52:31: I don't like this guy's mohawk. It makes him look like a rat-tailed half-Asian wannabee. What? It's not racist if it's true.

00:53:35: So mammy bobbs....so close to each other....must...sign up...for cheer squad...

00:54:28: Tisdale's wearing a lei. Ha. I'd lei her. Get it? I'm pretty clever.

00:55:33: Tisdale's being nice to Rat Tail. I don't like this side of her. I used to know you, Ashley Tisdale's sister.

00:56:20: That is his loss, if you are indeed double jointed, Ms. Tisdale. Meanwhile, my number's 630267941........

00:57:00: "Drinking 40's out the nipple" aka my new life motto.

00:57:45: A black girl that annunciates? hahahahaha. It just keeps getting less realistic!

00:58:34: They're all going around talking about their deepest secrets. It's like that day I saw a divorce therapist and then watched Space jam. Damn, Space Jam FUCKING RULES!

00:59:55: The gay latino is straight. Literally. And now he's getting attacked. Well played, not gay Latino. Well played.

01:00:55: Rat tail's telling Army dad about cheer camp. Rough. FATHER'S SHOULD ACCEPT THEIR SONS. NO MATTER WHAT!

01:01:59: OK, we get it Latino boy, you're not gay. But you are.

01:03:00: Why are they salsa dancing while moaning? Porn?

01:03:54: There's a straight closet, eh? Well, I'm out ladies. Dig in.

01:04:30: The worst. Montage. Ever.

01:05:04: Tisdale quotes The Art of War then walks away with taht fineeeeeee asss. Ugh. Jillie? We need to talk....about how great you are! (Whew....)

01:06:19: It's cheer recon spy shit. I feel liek I'm watching The Bourne Idiocy.

01:07:40: The opposing squad is in "Cheertopia." Meanwhile, I wish I was dead.

01:08:40: Tisdale's hat is bomb. Yeah, I'm down with today's lingo. Shut up, 20 year old haters.

01:09:26: "Straight" Latino's Hawaiian shirt makes me think he might be lying about....something....

01:10:25: I'm really wishing I was a cheerleader. It's so fun!

01:11:28: here we go, cheer camp championships! Why are there so many Asians?

01:12:30: Whoa, black guy didn't stick the landing. That's a points deduction for sure.

01:13:00: I can think of other things you can do while spreading those legs mid-air. But this is a family blog.

01:13:40: People live in South Dakota? I thought that was a myth.

01:14:02: I like making Vodka/Red Bull at home because at the bars it's like $9 for one. But if you do it at home, you just have to buy a Red Bull, which is like $4 and vodka, which is like....shit. It's probably the same. Fuck.

01:14:44: Jumping up and down = not that hard when you're makign a low budget cheer movie.

01:15:07: The following things were said in order: "Cheersaster," "Cheertastrophe," and "Cheerpocolypse of the sun." Ok, i'll give you the last one. I like that movie. It's just as mind-blowing....just in a....completely different way.

01:16:00: A Cheertage! See, i can do it tooo! Hehe haha.

01:16:39: The Mighty Flamingos? SnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnicker

01:17:34: OK I just have to say it. I wanna do strange things to Tisdale. I'm sorry, my girlfriend, but shes hot and BAM she's on my celeb list. So it's not cheating. Kinda.

01:19:09: SO MUCH PINK! HOW DO I FEEL THIS GOOD SOBERRRRRRRRRR

01:20:17: Rat tail and blondie fall in love. God damn, it's like Cinderella but....(LINE!)...less enchanting.

01:21:00: The Sharts start to perform. Noseplugs ready, people!

01:21:46: Lots of boobs and butts...some cute, some not. Other than that, IDK. Goth girl's looking like pretty do-able at this point. (Stares at drink) Mmmmmmmmm

01:22:50: Do cheerleaders like anal more than regular girls do? Sure seems like it from this scene.

01:23:55: Whoa. They got that move from a roller coaster. It's as dumb as it sounds, don't worry.

01:24:55: Cheer CAmp Competion = The Most Important Thing EVER.

01:25:34: South Dakota came in 3rd place. It's their new state motto.

01:26:00: The good guys won. Today was a fairy tale. Taylor Swift. What? Hmmmm

01:26:40: Rat-tail gets a makeout. And then they are in photoshopped London!

01:27:00: IT'S THE REAL ASHLEY TISDALE! SINGING HER HIT SINGLE "He said, She said." (Secretly likes it...)

01:27:56: The movie is over. Go away.

Also, Netflix: If this DVD smells like Vodka or Red Bull or Both, it wasn't me. It was Shaggy.

The Oscar Drinking Game

The Oscars can be a little dull sometimes. If you read this, you probably like to have fun. So here's a surefire way to make the Oscars interesting. The Oscar Drinking Game. Enjoy.


Drink 1....
-Everytime they mention James Cameron competing against his ex-wife for Best Director
-For every joke about Avatar or District 9.
-Every time the winners thank their fellow nominees.
-Anytime a movie/actor you haven't heard of is nominated for something.

Drink 2...
-For EVERY award Avatar wins.
-For EVERY time Haiti or Chile is mentioned.
-For EVERY time they cut to James Cameron.
-For EVERY time they cut to a celebrity that has no business being there. (i.e. Jay-Z, Tony Romo, etc.)

Drink 1/2 Your Drink...
-When Sandra Bullock's accent in The Blind Side is made fun of.
-To Get Through the Musical Numbers
-Alec Baldwin does a vocal impression of someone
-Someone trips on the way to the podium.


Drink a Shot...
-If anything other than Avatar or The Hurt Locker win Best Picture.
-If anyone under 50 wins an acting award.
-If someone makes a joke about "Precious"
-If anyone kisses on stage (for real kissing. not a peck on the cheek)
-If there's a nipple-slip.

Kill Self...
-If The Blind Side wins Best Picture.

Chug the Bottle...
-If Kanye or Mickey Rourke drunkenly interrupt the ceremony.

Yes, You Can Kiss Me, But Not Only Because I'm Irish ;-) and Other Immature Responses: The March Mailbag

It's back, it's back, IT. IS. BACK. February was both a long and short month. Long, in that it's still so cold. Short, because it's black history month and we whites wanted to make it the shortest month. But all that shall be rendered irrelevant as we move into March, which has Madness, St. Patty's Day, and so much green you might just get high or rich from being alive. Now let's move on--The March Mailbag.

Q: What is the best food that comes from a pig?
--S. Tyler, Rockville, CA.
A: Well, if you're a man, it's bacon. Or sausage. Or pork. Goddamnit, the pig is a beautiful animal. Everything but the skin is a pure dynamite sex explosion in your mouth.

Q: Where do you rate the Winter Olympics? Should we give Canada a break since there was good hockey and it's Canada?
--W. Gretzky, Toronto, ON, CA.
A: Besides the Opening Ceremonies, the luger death, and a few other "Canadian ScrewUps", the Olympics will be remembered as a success for the hockey tournament alone. It was quite a spectacle and it will be remembered as the best Olympic Hockey, in terms of quality, that anyone has ever seen. But Canada--You Still Suck. (Ed.'s Note: The Way You Eat Their Maple Syrup, I'd Say You Disagree With that Statement)

Q: You always say "Oh, I've been called worse." OK, drunk ass, what's the worst you've been called?
-Ke$ha, Blechville, USA.
A: Hmmm. I've been called the funniest person someone's ever met and the lamest person someone's ever met. As for the worst--I'd have to say it's gotta be calling "the most over-excessive person i've ever met." Who said it? My Greece study abroad chaperone and 2-time Missouri professor of the year. Yeah. That'll really bring your spirits down.

Q: There's so many food's and actions that have "French" in front of it. (i.e. French Toast, Kissing, etc.). What is the lamest country/place that has a popular distinction?
--C. O'Brien, LaughingAllTheWayToTheBankVille, CA.
A: Belgian waffles? No No. How bout Swedish Fish? The Swedish basically GAVE THEMSELVES to the Nazi's in WW2. So unless we're talking about "California Love" (read: man on man love. not that there's anything wrong with that. Just that I don't think Dr. Dre was talking about that), I think the Swedish are the most embarrassing. Unless, of course, they want to lend a few of those blondes over to the good people at the blog. (read: me. no wait. damnit, my girlfriend reads this. i mean for my friends. yeah, for them.)

Q: What is the worst sport to watch while drinking?
--T. Woods, Bellvue, NY.
A: Anything women are trying to do while running. It's really just more like "awww....look at those ladies trying so hard. So adorable, keep trying to keep up with us, girls. Ha Ha Ha!" GIrl's sports are a joke. Like if my girlfriend told me she wanted to be a pro in some sort of sports, I'd write down in my diary "Jillie made a very funny joke today! She said she wanted to be a sports star! Girls can't do that, she's so silly!" Boom. I just roasted myself.

Q: With St. Patrick's Day coming up, I'm jealous. See, I'm French and I suck. Can you give me (or make up) a day in my history worth celebrating? Might as well do it for all Western European countries with a population over 10 million.
--T. Henry, HandBallAssHouseLandofDEATH, France.
A: OK, Fine. Netherlands--4/20.
France-- Fourth of July. (After all, if it wasn't for us, you'd be celebrating Tag der Unabhängigkeit
Belgium: February 9th (Chocolate Day)
UK--Every day in October is National Oral Hygiene Month!
Germany--Who cares? Anyone that likes you is just acting.
Italy--Falling Down and Acting Like a Baby Day! DIVE IT UP!
Portugal and Spain: Iberian Peninsula Day! (Can be celebrated any day, as long as I don't have to think of any ideas for it)
Czech Republic: We're part of Western Europe?! Hooray For Us Day!

Q: What would you rather have as a pet: a monkey or a kangaroo?
--S. Irwin, Heaven.
A: Hmm. Bananas or boxing...I think a monkey would just be funnier. After all, if it gets out of line you could always spank the monkey. Who can spank a kangaroo? Central Australians. And NOBODY wants to know them.

Q: So I was having sex with this girl the other night. She was about 4'10, Jewish, brunette, and had big boobs. So I thought "Wow, this has to be a unique sexual experience for anyone." I thought of you, only because i wanted to give you a cyber high-five. I don't really have a question.
--A. Rose, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I'd high-five you back, but it doesn't seem like we have anything in common. My girlfriend is 4'9.

Q: What's protocol for getting a girl pregnant on a one-night stand? How obligated am I to do anything?
--D. Beat, Helena, MT.
A: One-Night Stands are sticky situations. However, if she's leaning towards coat hangerin' it, you probably should offer to pay for half. If she wants to keep it...the correct response is "I'm sorry, have I met you?"

Q: I'm throwing my friend a bachelor party pretty soon. I just want to know if there are any rules regarding who I should invite, booze, strippers, etc. Thanks, love the blog. I visit it 26 times a day.
--N.O Treal, Figmentationland, OR.
A: There are only a few rules to a bachelor party and I'll list them for my brother in need:
--No sex for the groom. If there is, there is no telling for FEAR OF DEATH.
--No inviting anyone from the bride's side. Unless: a) you were friends (good friends) with him before you met the girl, or b) they're paying.
--The groom shall not pay for a single thing.
--Those blonde strippers better be gorgeous.
--You shall only drink the groom's favorite alcohol all night. After all, he may not get to drink it much after he's married/has kids.
--The groom can veto all these rules and set his own.

Q: I'm a 21 year old virgin, I'm waiting until marriage to have sex with my boyfriend. Recently, I gave another guy a blowie while drunk. Am I still a virgin? Should I tell your boyfriend?
--T. Reid, HaHaHa, NM.
A: Haha. Sexually inexperienced people are funny. BUT I SHALL NOT INSULT! After all, I was you once. You did cheat on your boyfriend, so tell him that but please please please re-think your strategy. If you don't have sex until marriage, you are taking one of the worst risks of all time. Sex is an important part of the spark/chemistry that goes into a relationship and if taht part's not compatible, you will be unhappy for a long, long time.

Q: Is there any sort of protocol for an actual 5-second rule while dropping something on the floor?
--H. Ballsack, Terre Haute, IN.
A: The 5-second rule was invented for a reason. If it drops on the floor and looks delicious, you have 5 seconds to pick it up on eating. The only reasons that can cancel the rule out are these: a) you are on a date, b) the floor looks gross from the start, or c) you aren't hungry.

Q: What's "Guy Law" for bumping into someone and spilling their drink?
--W. Houston (when she was on crack), DreamWorld, NV.
A: Surely, it depends. You should buy the guy's drink back, in full, without question. Unless the following stipulations occur:
--It's a high-end liquor that you can't afford
--you're in the mood for fighting
--you are having sex with his girlfriend/mom
--he's Russian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Laotian, North Korean, or Cuban. (read simply: communist)

Q: Is there any particular place you put the boogers that you pick when your alone? Mine is under the the couch. It gets vacuumed and nobody looks down there. Win Win.
--Owl City Lead Singer's Painful Death, WhoCaresWhereAsLongAsItHappensTownship, IA.
A: That's disgusting! I would never pick my nose and put it under the rug unless I'm at my girlfriends house, in which case I'd put in a kleenex and leave it WHO KNOWS WHERE just to freak her out hahahahahaa. HA! You are gross sir.

Q: Have you heard about this new thing Chat Roulette? I hear girls go on it alot so they have an excuse to look at penises but act like they are freaked out by it to save face.
--R. Smart Guy, WashingtonDC.
A: Chat Roulette is a pretty fun concept, I guess, if it weren't for lonely guys with no shame (read: 33% of American Males). If it weren't for all the wieners, it'd be pretty fun. But even then, you still get a German techno freak or something. Is it worth the risk? It's like roulette. Why bet on it when there's such a small chance on winning. Unless you bet on black of course. Black always wins.

Q: When does it officially become rape? I feel like with many girls having called "wolf" in the past, it's easy to blur the lines.
--Weirdo, WhereverWeirdosAreFrom.
A: This is the weirdest question. Rape is rape whenever the girl feels discontent about any sort of sexual contact. If it's not rape, it's at least sexual assault and you deserve the 5-10 you'll be doing being you're cellmate's girlfriend Wanda.

Q: The Oscars are coming up. Who's gonna win Best PIcture? Should I care?
--J. Cameron, San Fransisco, CA.
A: In a perfect world (500) Days of Summer would win the Oscar. In a normal world, Avatar would win. In an genre-friendly world, Inglorious Basterds would win. But, in our world, The Hurt Locker will win because it's a good movie about our recent war that critics want to get behind. It's not a bad choice--it's just not the right one, as usual.

Q: Is there a better timewaster than Sporcle.com? I THINK NOT!
--J. Elfman, RememberThatShowDharmaAndGreg?IWasInIt!
A: There are better time wasters. They are called drinking, masturbating, and sex. Anything else would be uncivilized.

Q: Irish people suck and so do you. Why should anyone read your damn blog, you stupid potato eating Mick? Go suck on a Guinness flavored potato sandwich while Ireland gets hit the hardest by the recession. Also, I've been seeing this American girl lately. Any advice?
--AllofEngland, UK.
A: As for your need for advice about American girls: buy her something and bring condoms, since the world stereotype is slutty. If you're trying to bag and English girl, just make sure you have a paper bag to put over her head. And don't diss the potato sandwich. It's delicious.
But on a more serious not, instead of writing an entire blog about it, I just want my readers to be educated about why they get to get hammered on St. Patrick's Day every year. Well, the Irish had to (and, to an extent, still have to) suffer the consequences of British rule. Famine, persecution, and apathy towards the Irish race has led to complete ignorance, racism, and violence on both sides. See, the Irish had their own Holocaust which led to over a million deaths, deportations, and immigrations that caused the population of Ireland to decrease by more than 30%. And if you're Irish-American, just know that you might have been born in Ireland happily without British persecution. So next time you say "The Luck of the Irish," just know that the phrase was invented to be ironic--since the Irish have never had any luck.

Sorry to end the mailbag on a depressing note. But not all months are fun! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the mailbag. Have a great month, Irishites and Heathens!