The Oscars can be a little dull sometimes. If you read this, you probably like to have fun. So here's a surefire way to make the Oscars interesting. The Oscar Drinking Game. Enjoy.
Drink 1....
-Everytime they mention James Cameron competing against his ex-wife for Best Director
-For every joke about Avatar or District 9.
-Every time the winners thank their fellow nominees.
-Anytime a movie/actor you haven't heard of is nominated for something.
Drink 2...
-For EVERY award Avatar wins.
-For EVERY time Haiti or Chile is mentioned.
-For EVERY time they cut to James Cameron.
-For EVERY time they cut to a celebrity that has no business being there. (i.e. Jay-Z, Tony Romo, etc.)
Drink 1/2 Your Drink...
-When Sandra Bullock's accent in The Blind Side is made fun of.
-To Get Through the Musical Numbers
-Alec Baldwin does a vocal impression of someone
-Someone trips on the way to the podium.
Drink a Shot...
-If anything other than Avatar or The Hurt Locker win Best Picture.
-If anyone under 50 wins an acting award.
-If someone makes a joke about "Precious"
-If anyone kisses on stage (for real kissing. not a peck on the cheek)
-If there's a nipple-slip.
Kill Self...
-If The Blind Side wins Best Picture.
Chug the Bottle...
-If Kanye or Mickey Rourke drunkenly interrupt the ceremony.
Showing posts with label drinking rules. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drinking rules. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Yes, You Can Kiss Me, But Not Only Because I'm Irish ;-) and Other Immature Responses: The March Mailbag
It's back, it's back, IT. IS. BACK. February was both a long and short month. Long, in that it's still so cold. Short, because it's black history month and we whites wanted to make it the shortest month. But all that shall be rendered irrelevant as we move into March, which has Madness, St. Patty's Day, and so much green you might just get high or rich from being alive. Now let's move on--The March Mailbag.
Q: What is the best food that comes from a pig?
--S. Tyler, Rockville, CA.
A: Well, if you're a man, it's bacon. Or sausage. Or pork. Goddamnit, the pig is a beautiful animal. Everything but the skin is a pure dynamite sex explosion in your mouth.
Q: Where do you rate the Winter Olympics? Should we give Canada a break since there was good hockey and it's Canada?
--W. Gretzky, Toronto, ON, CA.
A: Besides the Opening Ceremonies, the luger death, and a few other "Canadian ScrewUps", the Olympics will be remembered as a success for the hockey tournament alone. It was quite a spectacle and it will be remembered as the best Olympic Hockey, in terms of quality, that anyone has ever seen. But Canada--You Still Suck. (Ed.'s Note: The Way You Eat Their Maple Syrup, I'd Say You Disagree With that Statement)
Q: You always say "Oh, I've been called worse." OK, drunk ass, what's the worst you've been called?
-Ke$ha, Blechville, USA.
A: Hmmm. I've been called the funniest person someone's ever met and the lamest person someone's ever met. As for the worst--I'd have to say it's gotta be calling "the most over-excessive person i've ever met." Who said it? My Greece study abroad chaperone and 2-time Missouri professor of the year. Yeah. That'll really bring your spirits down.
Q: There's so many food's and actions that have "French" in front of it. (i.e. French Toast, Kissing, etc.). What is the lamest country/place that has a popular distinction?
--C. O'Brien, LaughingAllTheWayToTheBankVille, CA.
A: Belgian waffles? No No. How bout Swedish Fish? The Swedish basically GAVE THEMSELVES to the Nazi's in WW2. So unless we're talking about "California Love" (read: man on man love. not that there's anything wrong with that. Just that I don't think Dr. Dre was talking about that), I think the Swedish are the most embarrassing. Unless, of course, they want to lend a few of those blondes over to the good people at the blog. (read: me. no wait. damnit, my girlfriend reads this. i mean for my friends. yeah, for them.)
Q: What is the worst sport to watch while drinking?
--T. Woods, Bellvue, NY.
A: Anything women are trying to do while running. It's really just more like "awww....look at those ladies trying so hard. So adorable, keep trying to keep up with us, girls. Ha Ha Ha!" GIrl's sports are a joke. Like if my girlfriend told me she wanted to be a pro in some sort of sports, I'd write down in my diary "Jillie made a very funny joke today! She said she wanted to be a sports star! Girls can't do that, she's so silly!" Boom. I just roasted myself.
Q: With St. Patrick's Day coming up, I'm jealous. See, I'm French and I suck. Can you give me (or make up) a day in my history worth celebrating? Might as well do it for all Western European countries with a population over 10 million.
--T. Henry, HandBallAssHouseLandofDEATH, France.
A: OK, Fine. Netherlands--4/20.
France-- Fourth of July. (After all, if it wasn't for us, you'd be celebrating Tag der Unabhängigkeit
Belgium: February 9th (Chocolate Day)
UK--Every day in October is National Oral Hygiene Month!
Germany--Who cares? Anyone that likes you is just acting.
Italy--Falling Down and Acting Like a Baby Day! DIVE IT UP!
Portugal and Spain: Iberian Peninsula Day! (Can be celebrated any day, as long as I don't have to think of any ideas for it)
Czech Republic: We're part of Western Europe?! Hooray For Us Day!
Q: What would you rather have as a pet: a monkey or a kangaroo?
--S. Irwin, Heaven.
A: Hmm. Bananas or boxing...I think a monkey would just be funnier. After all, if it gets out of line you could always spank the monkey. Who can spank a kangaroo? Central Australians. And NOBODY wants to know them.
Q: So I was having sex with this girl the other night. She was about 4'10, Jewish, brunette, and had big boobs. So I thought "Wow, this has to be a unique sexual experience for anyone." I thought of you, only because i wanted to give you a cyber high-five. I don't really have a question.
--A. Rose, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I'd high-five you back, but it doesn't seem like we have anything in common. My girlfriend is 4'9.
Q: What's protocol for getting a girl pregnant on a one-night stand? How obligated am I to do anything?
--D. Beat, Helena, MT.
A: One-Night Stands are sticky situations. However, if she's leaning towards coat hangerin' it, you probably should offer to pay for half. If she wants to keep it...the correct response is "I'm sorry, have I met you?"
Q: I'm throwing my friend a bachelor party pretty soon. I just want to know if there are any rules regarding who I should invite, booze, strippers, etc. Thanks, love the blog. I visit it 26 times a day.
--N.O Treal, Figmentationland, OR.
A: There are only a few rules to a bachelor party and I'll list them for my brother in need:
--No sex for the groom. If there is, there is no telling for FEAR OF DEATH.
--No inviting anyone from the bride's side. Unless: a) you were friends (good friends) with him before you met the girl, or b) they're paying.
--The groom shall not pay for a single thing.
--Those blonde strippers better be gorgeous.
--You shall only drink the groom's favorite alcohol all night. After all, he may not get to drink it much after he's married/has kids.
--The groom can veto all these rules and set his own.
Q: I'm a 21 year old virgin, I'm waiting until marriage to have sex with my boyfriend. Recently, I gave another guy a blowie while drunk. Am I still a virgin? Should I tell your boyfriend?
--T. Reid, HaHaHa, NM.
A: Haha. Sexually inexperienced people are funny. BUT I SHALL NOT INSULT! After all, I was you once. You did cheat on your boyfriend, so tell him that but please please please re-think your strategy. If you don't have sex until marriage, you are taking one of the worst risks of all time. Sex is an important part of the spark/chemistry that goes into a relationship and if taht part's not compatible, you will be unhappy for a long, long time.
Q: Is there any sort of protocol for an actual 5-second rule while dropping something on the floor?
--H. Ballsack, Terre Haute, IN.
A: The 5-second rule was invented for a reason. If it drops on the floor and looks delicious, you have 5 seconds to pick it up on eating. The only reasons that can cancel the rule out are these: a) you are on a date, b) the floor looks gross from the start, or c) you aren't hungry.
Q: What's "Guy Law" for bumping into someone and spilling their drink?
--W. Houston (when she was on crack), DreamWorld, NV.
A: Surely, it depends. You should buy the guy's drink back, in full, without question. Unless the following stipulations occur:
--It's a high-end liquor that you can't afford
--you're in the mood for fighting
--you are having sex with his girlfriend/mom
--he's Russian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Laotian, North Korean, or Cuban. (read simply: communist)
Q: Is there any particular place you put the boogers that you pick when your alone? Mine is under the the couch. It gets vacuumed and nobody looks down there. Win Win.
--Owl City Lead Singer's Painful Death, WhoCaresWhereAsLongAsItHappensTownship, IA.
A: That's disgusting! I would never pick my nose and put it under the rug unless I'm at my girlfriends house, in which case I'd put in a kleenex and leave it WHO KNOWS WHERE just to freak her out hahahahahaa. HA! You are gross sir.
Q: Have you heard about this new thing Chat Roulette? I hear girls go on it alot so they have an excuse to look at penises but act like they are freaked out by it to save face.
--R. Smart Guy, WashingtonDC.
A: Chat Roulette is a pretty fun concept, I guess, if it weren't for lonely guys with no shame (read: 33% of American Males). If it weren't for all the wieners, it'd be pretty fun. But even then, you still get a German techno freak or something. Is it worth the risk? It's like roulette. Why bet on it when there's such a small chance on winning. Unless you bet on black of course. Black always wins.
Q: When does it officially become rape? I feel like with many girls having called "wolf" in the past, it's easy to blur the lines.
--Weirdo, WhereverWeirdosAreFrom.
A: This is the weirdest question. Rape is rape whenever the girl feels discontent about any sort of sexual contact. If it's not rape, it's at least sexual assault and you deserve the 5-10 you'll be doing being you're cellmate's girlfriend Wanda.
Q: The Oscars are coming up. Who's gonna win Best PIcture? Should I care?
--J. Cameron, San Fransisco, CA.
A: In a perfect world (500) Days of Summer would win the Oscar. In a normal world, Avatar would win. In an genre-friendly world, Inglorious Basterds would win. But, in our world, The Hurt Locker will win because it's a good movie about our recent war that critics want to get behind. It's not a bad choice--it's just not the right one, as usual.
Q: Is there a better timewaster than Sporcle.com? I THINK NOT!
--J. Elfman, RememberThatShowDharmaAndGreg?IWasInIt!
A: There are better time wasters. They are called drinking, masturbating, and sex. Anything else would be uncivilized.
Q: Irish people suck and so do you. Why should anyone read your damn blog, you stupid potato eating Mick? Go suck on a Guinness flavored potato sandwich while Ireland gets hit the hardest by the recession. Also, I've been seeing this American girl lately. Any advice?
--AllofEngland, UK.
A: As for your need for advice about American girls: buy her something and bring condoms, since the world stereotype is slutty. If you're trying to bag and English girl, just make sure you have a paper bag to put over her head. And don't diss the potato sandwich. It's delicious.
But on a more serious not, instead of writing an entire blog about it, I just want my readers to be educated about why they get to get hammered on St. Patrick's Day every year. Well, the Irish had to (and, to an extent, still have to) suffer the consequences of British rule. Famine, persecution, and apathy towards the Irish race has led to complete ignorance, racism, and violence on both sides. See, the Irish had their own Holocaust which led to over a million deaths, deportations, and immigrations that caused the population of Ireland to decrease by more than 30%. And if you're Irish-American, just know that you might have been born in Ireland happily without British persecution. So next time you say "The Luck of the Irish," just know that the phrase was invented to be ironic--since the Irish have never had any luck.
Sorry to end the mailbag on a depressing note. But not all months are fun! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the mailbag. Have a great month, Irishites and Heathens!
Q: What is the best food that comes from a pig?
--S. Tyler, Rockville, CA.
A: Well, if you're a man, it's bacon. Or sausage. Or pork. Goddamnit, the pig is a beautiful animal. Everything but the skin is a pure dynamite sex explosion in your mouth.
Q: Where do you rate the Winter Olympics? Should we give Canada a break since there was good hockey and it's Canada?
--W. Gretzky, Toronto, ON, CA.
A: Besides the Opening Ceremonies, the luger death, and a few other "Canadian ScrewUps", the Olympics will be remembered as a success for the hockey tournament alone. It was quite a spectacle and it will be remembered as the best Olympic Hockey, in terms of quality, that anyone has ever seen. But Canada--You Still Suck. (Ed.'s Note: The Way You Eat Their Maple Syrup, I'd Say You Disagree With that Statement)
Q: You always say "Oh, I've been called worse." OK, drunk ass, what's the worst you've been called?
-Ke$ha, Blechville, USA.
A: Hmmm. I've been called the funniest person someone's ever met and the lamest person someone's ever met. As for the worst--I'd have to say it's gotta be calling "the most over-excessive person i've ever met." Who said it? My Greece study abroad chaperone and 2-time Missouri professor of the year. Yeah. That'll really bring your spirits down.
Q: There's so many food's and actions that have "French" in front of it. (i.e. French Toast, Kissing, etc.). What is the lamest country/place that has a popular distinction?
--C. O'Brien, LaughingAllTheWayToTheBankVille, CA.
A: Belgian waffles? No No. How bout Swedish Fish? The Swedish basically GAVE THEMSELVES to the Nazi's in WW2. So unless we're talking about "California Love" (read: man on man love. not that there's anything wrong with that. Just that I don't think Dr. Dre was talking about that), I think the Swedish are the most embarrassing. Unless, of course, they want to lend a few of those blondes over to the good people at the blog. (read: me. no wait. damnit, my girlfriend reads this. i mean for my friends. yeah, for them.)
Q: What is the worst sport to watch while drinking?
--T. Woods, Bellvue, NY.
A: Anything women are trying to do while running. It's really just more like "awww....look at those ladies trying so hard. So adorable, keep trying to keep up with us, girls. Ha Ha Ha!" GIrl's sports are a joke. Like if my girlfriend told me she wanted to be a pro in some sort of sports, I'd write down in my diary "Jillie made a very funny joke today! She said she wanted to be a sports star! Girls can't do that, she's so silly!" Boom. I just roasted myself.
Q: With St. Patrick's Day coming up, I'm jealous. See, I'm French and I suck. Can you give me (or make up) a day in my history worth celebrating? Might as well do it for all Western European countries with a population over 10 million.
--T. Henry, HandBallAssHouseLandofDEATH, France.
A: OK, Fine. Netherlands--4/20.
France-- Fourth of July. (After all, if it wasn't for us, you'd be celebrating Tag der Unabhängigkeit
Belgium: February 9th (Chocolate Day)
UK--Every day in October is National Oral Hygiene Month!
Germany--Who cares? Anyone that likes you is just acting.
Italy--Falling Down and Acting Like a Baby Day! DIVE IT UP!
Portugal and Spain: Iberian Peninsula Day! (Can be celebrated any day, as long as I don't have to think of any ideas for it)
Czech Republic: We're part of Western Europe?! Hooray For Us Day!
Q: What would you rather have as a pet: a monkey or a kangaroo?
--S. Irwin, Heaven.
A: Hmm. Bananas or boxing...I think a monkey would just be funnier. After all, if it gets out of line you could always spank the monkey. Who can spank a kangaroo? Central Australians. And NOBODY wants to know them.
Q: So I was having sex with this girl the other night. She was about 4'10, Jewish, brunette, and had big boobs. So I thought "Wow, this has to be a unique sexual experience for anyone." I thought of you, only because i wanted to give you a cyber high-five. I don't really have a question.
--A. Rose, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I'd high-five you back, but it doesn't seem like we have anything in common. My girlfriend is 4'9.
Q: What's protocol for getting a girl pregnant on a one-night stand? How obligated am I to do anything?
--D. Beat, Helena, MT.
A: One-Night Stands are sticky situations. However, if she's leaning towards coat hangerin' it, you probably should offer to pay for half. If she wants to keep it...the correct response is "I'm sorry, have I met you?"
Q: I'm throwing my friend a bachelor party pretty soon. I just want to know if there are any rules regarding who I should invite, booze, strippers, etc. Thanks, love the blog. I visit it 26 times a day.
--N.O Treal, Figmentationland, OR.
A: There are only a few rules to a bachelor party and I'll list them for my brother in need:
--No sex for the groom. If there is, there is no telling for FEAR OF DEATH.
--No inviting anyone from the bride's side. Unless: a) you were friends (good friends) with him before you met the girl, or b) they're paying.
--The groom shall not pay for a single thing.
--Those blonde strippers better be gorgeous.
--You shall only drink the groom's favorite alcohol all night. After all, he may not get to drink it much after he's married/has kids.
--The groom can veto all these rules and set his own.
Q: I'm a 21 year old virgin, I'm waiting until marriage to have sex with my boyfriend. Recently, I gave another guy a blowie while drunk. Am I still a virgin? Should I tell your boyfriend?
--T. Reid, HaHaHa, NM.
A: Haha. Sexually inexperienced people are funny. BUT I SHALL NOT INSULT! After all, I was you once. You did cheat on your boyfriend, so tell him that but please please please re-think your strategy. If you don't have sex until marriage, you are taking one of the worst risks of all time. Sex is an important part of the spark/chemistry that goes into a relationship and if taht part's not compatible, you will be unhappy for a long, long time.
Q: Is there any sort of protocol for an actual 5-second rule while dropping something on the floor?
--H. Ballsack, Terre Haute, IN.
A: The 5-second rule was invented for a reason. If it drops on the floor and looks delicious, you have 5 seconds to pick it up on eating. The only reasons that can cancel the rule out are these: a) you are on a date, b) the floor looks gross from the start, or c) you aren't hungry.
Q: What's "Guy Law" for bumping into someone and spilling their drink?
--W. Houston (when she was on crack), DreamWorld, NV.
A: Surely, it depends. You should buy the guy's drink back, in full, without question. Unless the following stipulations occur:
--It's a high-end liquor that you can't afford
--you're in the mood for fighting
--you are having sex with his girlfriend/mom
--he's Russian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Laotian, North Korean, or Cuban. (read simply: communist)
Q: Is there any particular place you put the boogers that you pick when your alone? Mine is under the the couch. It gets vacuumed and nobody looks down there. Win Win.
--Owl City Lead Singer's Painful Death, WhoCaresWhereAsLongAsItHappensTownship, IA.
A: That's disgusting! I would never pick my nose and put it under the rug unless I'm at my girlfriends house, in which case I'd put in a kleenex and leave it WHO KNOWS WHERE just to freak her out hahahahahaa. HA! You are gross sir.
Q: Have you heard about this new thing Chat Roulette? I hear girls go on it alot so they have an excuse to look at penises but act like they are freaked out by it to save face.
--R. Smart Guy, WashingtonDC.
A: Chat Roulette is a pretty fun concept, I guess, if it weren't for lonely guys with no shame (read: 33% of American Males). If it weren't for all the wieners, it'd be pretty fun. But even then, you still get a German techno freak or something. Is it worth the risk? It's like roulette. Why bet on it when there's such a small chance on winning. Unless you bet on black of course. Black always wins.
Q: When does it officially become rape? I feel like with many girls having called "wolf" in the past, it's easy to blur the lines.
--Weirdo, WhereverWeirdosAreFrom.
A: This is the weirdest question. Rape is rape whenever the girl feels discontent about any sort of sexual contact. If it's not rape, it's at least sexual assault and you deserve the 5-10 you'll be doing being you're cellmate's girlfriend Wanda.
Q: The Oscars are coming up. Who's gonna win Best PIcture? Should I care?
--J. Cameron, San Fransisco, CA.
A: In a perfect world (500) Days of Summer would win the Oscar. In a normal world, Avatar would win. In an genre-friendly world, Inglorious Basterds would win. But, in our world, The Hurt Locker will win because it's a good movie about our recent war that critics want to get behind. It's not a bad choice--it's just not the right one, as usual.
Q: Is there a better timewaster than Sporcle.com? I THINK NOT!
--J. Elfman, RememberThatShowDharmaAndGreg?IWasInIt!
A: There are better time wasters. They are called drinking, masturbating, and sex. Anything else would be uncivilized.
Q: Irish people suck and so do you. Why should anyone read your damn blog, you stupid potato eating Mick? Go suck on a Guinness flavored potato sandwich while Ireland gets hit the hardest by the recession. Also, I've been seeing this American girl lately. Any advice?
--AllofEngland, UK.
A: As for your need for advice about American girls: buy her something and bring condoms, since the world stereotype is slutty. If you're trying to bag and English girl, just make sure you have a paper bag to put over her head. And don't diss the potato sandwich. It's delicious.
But on a more serious not, instead of writing an entire blog about it, I just want my readers to be educated about why they get to get hammered on St. Patrick's Day every year. Well, the Irish had to (and, to an extent, still have to) suffer the consequences of British rule. Famine, persecution, and apathy towards the Irish race has led to complete ignorance, racism, and violence on both sides. See, the Irish had their own Holocaust which led to over a million deaths, deportations, and immigrations that caused the population of Ireland to decrease by more than 30%. And if you're Irish-American, just know that you might have been born in Ireland happily without British persecution. So next time you say "The Luck of the Irish," just know that the phrase was invented to be ironic--since the Irish have never had any luck.
Sorry to end the mailbag on a depressing note. But not all months are fun! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the mailbag. Have a great month, Irishites and Heathens!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Drinking Rules: 50-1
Back to complete the 100 rules of drinking. Introductions, you are overrated.
50. There are no "wrong" songs to dance to as long as you're drinking.
49. Try new drinks as much as you can, but always have a go to.
48. No matter how drunk you are, don't use any racial slurs. They will get you mauled.
47. Outdoor sex is advisable.
46. Thou will not waste any booze above well in a mixed drink. The stuff was meant to be tasted.
45. Never, ever turn down a shot from a girl. Ever.
44. Don't be the guy who gets too drunk and makes everyone leave early.
43. If your hosting a party, you can't act that surprised if your house gets destroyed.
42. BYOB= Bum Yours Off Bobby
41. Anyone with two or more drinks gets the right of way.
40. Drink whiskey and/or tequila all night, and they might as well put out an arrest warrant for you
39. There's no better way to get to know someone else's culture than by drinking it.
38. There is definitely sex in the champagne room. It just costs extra.
37. Straws are for women and Mind Erasers.
36. You got a high drinking tolerance? Prove it.
35. Yeah, you're gonna be hungover tomorrow. Deal with it.
34. Salted snacks, while drunk, are sex for your mouth. Unless you're giving head.
33. You don't smoke if you only smoke when you're drunk.
32. Never admit you spilled the drink.
31. Stolen Booze > Free Booze
30. Don't piss off the bartender.
29. Tip him/her well. Especially if they're cute.
28. Compliments and one-liners are cheesy, but they work better than "Hi, My Name is..."
27. Never pass out with your shoes on.
26. If a girl wears heels out to a dance bar/club, she is trying to impress you. Or that other guy.
25. Getting animals drunk is extremely amusing.
24. Someone stealing your drink is akin to someone stealing your dignity.
23. "Makin' It Rain" in the club is not as cool as black people make it sound.
22. After 5 drinks, you are smarter than everyone. Make sure everyone knows it.
21. If people are switching off rounds and you say you'll just pay for yourself, you're a cheap ass. Go home.
20. If the girl you're hitting on keeps getting texts/calls, there are 2 options: 1) she's got a boyfriend. 2) she's a slut. either way, who cares?
19. Time heals all wounds. But whiskey does it faster.
18. Sometimes when I'm really drunk, I don't want to have sex with you. Head would do nicely.
17. Making out on the dance floor makes everyone else awkward. Keep doing it.
16. A girl will not dance with you or respond to your advances if you stand around looking at her for 10 minutes debating whether to go over and talk to her. Just go do it.
15. Buy a girl enough drinks and she should at least fake an orgasm.
14. If you're not sure if someone's a guy or a girl at a bar, don't ask.
13. Surround yourself with fun drunks and you will have a fun time. Unless they're sober.
12. Always buy booze for your underage siblings/friends.
11. If a guy says "I don't dance" to a girl who wants to dance, he also doesn't want to get laid.
10. Never ask a friend with a girlfriend to be the D.D. You will likely have to leave early.
9. At least one time in your life, buy your best friend a really good bottle of his favorite booze.
8. Wine gives the worst hangovers, not drinking it gives the worst regrets.
7. If you throw up and keep drinking, someone definitely has to be your drinks for the rest of the night, since you're a hero.
6. When life gives you lemons, say "fuck the lemons" and order a beer.
5. Any girl will tell you, Good Dancer > Good Talker
4. If a girl likes a song, so do you.
3. Life is like a box of chocolates, it's better when soaked in booze.
2. Make one trip to your homeland and drink the drink your ancestors did.
1. Always break the rules.
50. There are no "wrong" songs to dance to as long as you're drinking.
49. Try new drinks as much as you can, but always have a go to.
48. No matter how drunk you are, don't use any racial slurs. They will get you mauled.
47. Outdoor sex is advisable.
46. Thou will not waste any booze above well in a mixed drink. The stuff was meant to be tasted.
45. Never, ever turn down a shot from a girl. Ever.
44. Don't be the guy who gets too drunk and makes everyone leave early.
43. If your hosting a party, you can't act that surprised if your house gets destroyed.
42. BYOB= Bum Yours Off Bobby
41. Anyone with two or more drinks gets the right of way.
40. Drink whiskey and/or tequila all night, and they might as well put out an arrest warrant for you
39. There's no better way to get to know someone else's culture than by drinking it.
38. There is definitely sex in the champagne room. It just costs extra.
37. Straws are for women and Mind Erasers.
36. You got a high drinking tolerance? Prove it.
35. Yeah, you're gonna be hungover tomorrow. Deal with it.
34. Salted snacks, while drunk, are sex for your mouth. Unless you're giving head.
33. You don't smoke if you only smoke when you're drunk.
32. Never admit you spilled the drink.
31. Stolen Booze > Free Booze
30. Don't piss off the bartender.
29. Tip him/her well. Especially if they're cute.
28. Compliments and one-liners are cheesy, but they work better than "Hi, My Name is..."
27. Never pass out with your shoes on.
26. If a girl wears heels out to a dance bar/club, she is trying to impress you. Or that other guy.
25. Getting animals drunk is extremely amusing.
24. Someone stealing your drink is akin to someone stealing your dignity.
23. "Makin' It Rain" in the club is not as cool as black people make it sound.
22. After 5 drinks, you are smarter than everyone. Make sure everyone knows it.
21. If people are switching off rounds and you say you'll just pay for yourself, you're a cheap ass. Go home.
20. If the girl you're hitting on keeps getting texts/calls, there are 2 options: 1) she's got a boyfriend. 2) she's a slut. either way, who cares?
19. Time heals all wounds. But whiskey does it faster.
18. Sometimes when I'm really drunk, I don't want to have sex with you. Head would do nicely.
17. Making out on the dance floor makes everyone else awkward. Keep doing it.
16. A girl will not dance with you or respond to your advances if you stand around looking at her for 10 minutes debating whether to go over and talk to her. Just go do it.
15. Buy a girl enough drinks and she should at least fake an orgasm.
14. If you're not sure if someone's a guy or a girl at a bar, don't ask.
13. Surround yourself with fun drunks and you will have a fun time. Unless they're sober.
12. Always buy booze for your underage siblings/friends.
11. If a guy says "I don't dance" to a girl who wants to dance, he also doesn't want to get laid.
10. Never ask a friend with a girlfriend to be the D.D. You will likely have to leave early.
9. At least one time in your life, buy your best friend a really good bottle of his favorite booze.
8. Wine gives the worst hangovers, not drinking it gives the worst regrets.
7. If you throw up and keep drinking, someone definitely has to be your drinks for the rest of the night, since you're a hero.
6. When life gives you lemons, say "fuck the lemons" and order a beer.
5. Any girl will tell you, Good Dancer > Good Talker
4. If a girl likes a song, so do you.
3. Life is like a box of chocolates, it's better when soaked in booze.
2. Make one trip to your homeland and drink the drink your ancestors did.
1. Always break the rules.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Rules of Drinking: 100-51
Hey there! Since I haven't got to do a list in a while I thought I'd do an ultra, mega list. That's right, it's so big, it needs two parts. But here we go with the 100 Rules of Drinking. Here are 100-51. Let them replace your Bible.
100. Happy Hour is every hour.
99. Karaoke is always a good idea.
98. If you puke on someone, they are allowed one free shot at you.
97. If you need to go pee, nature is one big bathroom.
96. It doesn't count if you can't remember (unless, of course, you were a virgin before)
95. Food is sobering. Please avoid.
94. Driving sober is not fun. But neither is getting arrested.
93. Nursing is for hospital workers. If you can't keep pace, get out of the race.
92. Drinking CAN be a race but only for the brave.
91. At any sporting event, you should have at least one drink.
90. Don't get so angry--being drunk is supposed to be fun.
89. At bars, don't try so hard. If you're having fun, the fun will come to you.
88. Drinking game rules are made by the host and should be followed to a "t".
87. Every shot needs a toast.
86. Your cocktail waitress doesn't REALLY like you. You're just a tip.
85. Getting too deep is for sex--not drunk conversation.
84. It is your duty to embarrass your friends.
83. If you pay for drinks in change, look for spit.
82. Every four months of a relationship gives you the right to one day of a bender when you break up. (12 months = 3 days) After that, get over it.
81. You must, at least once in life, get drunk with your father.
80. If someone offers to buy you a shot, you don't get to complain about the taste.
79. You don't need an excuse to drink, you need one not to.
78. Fruity drinks taste good and are acceptable, so fuck you if you don't like me drinking it.
77. You don't need other people around to drink, they need you.
76. Alcohol does make you more smooth, so get hit on her.
75. When you go to bars, always bring a condom, males and females.
74. It's not wrong to go out with bad looking people as long as they make you look better.
73. If you're just bobbing back and forth, get the hell of the dance floor and make room for my awesome skills.
72. Winners of dance-offs, indeed, are guaranteed to get laid.
71. Counting your drinks is for pussies and, is thus, forbidden.
70. As long as she/he's 18, no judgement shall be passed.
69. Pass judgement at every turn on everyone.
68. If you brag about how drunk you are, you are too drunk or an amateur. Or both.
67. Music should be turned up very, very loud.
66. It should also be sung very, very loud.
65. Vacation = Bender
64. If you can't do the shot, at least one person has to call you a "pussy."
63. Buy women drinks but not ALL their drinks, that's just dumb.
62. There is no such thing as too strong a drink.
61. If a girl buys you a drink and you don't hit on her, you better be gay or married.
60. If you don't have a corkscrew, there's no wrong way to open the bottle.
59. Talking to someone while drunk peeing is highly frowned upon.
58. You can drink your roommates beer, as long as you've known him/her for a year.
57. If you're drunk, it's forgivable to forget a guy/girl's name, provided you've never met them before. But don't admit it
56. If you think you're slurring, then you are.
55. If you're gonna fight, always make it someone drunker than you.
54. If you're at a bar without your significant other, you're fair game.
53. The fuller beer is always yours.
52. Bringing booze to a party means you either finish it or it's the party's.
51. If you drink at work, drink vodka. It looks like water.
50-1 coming tomorrow.
100. Happy Hour is every hour.
99. Karaoke is always a good idea.
98. If you puke on someone, they are allowed one free shot at you.
97. If you need to go pee, nature is one big bathroom.
96. It doesn't count if you can't remember (unless, of course, you were a virgin before)
95. Food is sobering. Please avoid.
94. Driving sober is not fun. But neither is getting arrested.
93. Nursing is for hospital workers. If you can't keep pace, get out of the race.
92. Drinking CAN be a race but only for the brave.
91. At any sporting event, you should have at least one drink.
90. Don't get so angry--being drunk is supposed to be fun.
89. At bars, don't try so hard. If you're having fun, the fun will come to you.
88. Drinking game rules are made by the host and should be followed to a "t".
87. Every shot needs a toast.
86. Your cocktail waitress doesn't REALLY like you. You're just a tip.
85. Getting too deep is for sex--not drunk conversation.
84. It is your duty to embarrass your friends.
83. If you pay for drinks in change, look for spit.
82. Every four months of a relationship gives you the right to one day of a bender when you break up. (12 months = 3 days) After that, get over it.
81. You must, at least once in life, get drunk with your father.
80. If someone offers to buy you a shot, you don't get to complain about the taste.
79. You don't need an excuse to drink, you need one not to.
78. Fruity drinks taste good and are acceptable, so fuck you if you don't like me drinking it.
77. You don't need other people around to drink, they need you.
76. Alcohol does make you more smooth, so get hit on her.
75. When you go to bars, always bring a condom, males and females.
74. It's not wrong to go out with bad looking people as long as they make you look better.
73. If you're just bobbing back and forth, get the hell of the dance floor and make room for my awesome skills.
72. Winners of dance-offs, indeed, are guaranteed to get laid.
71. Counting your drinks is for pussies and, is thus, forbidden.
70. As long as she/he's 18, no judgement shall be passed.
69. Pass judgement at every turn on everyone.
68. If you brag about how drunk you are, you are too drunk or an amateur. Or both.
67. Music should be turned up very, very loud.
66. It should also be sung very, very loud.
65. Vacation = Bender
64. If you can't do the shot, at least one person has to call you a "pussy."
63. Buy women drinks but not ALL their drinks, that's just dumb.
62. There is no such thing as too strong a drink.
61. If a girl buys you a drink and you don't hit on her, you better be gay or married.
60. If you don't have a corkscrew, there's no wrong way to open the bottle.
59. Talking to someone while drunk peeing is highly frowned upon.
58. You can drink your roommates beer, as long as you've known him/her for a year.
57. If you're drunk, it's forgivable to forget a guy/girl's name, provided you've never met them before. But don't admit it
56. If you think you're slurring, then you are.
55. If you're gonna fight, always make it someone drunker than you.
54. If you're at a bar without your significant other, you're fair game.
53. The fuller beer is always yours.
52. Bringing booze to a party means you either finish it or it's the party's.
51. If you drink at work, drink vodka. It looks like water.
50-1 coming tomorrow.
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