St. Patrick's Day: A Drunk History

St. Patrick's Day is just one of those days that gets people all riled up and such. Green beer, green clothes, green food, green everything. It's a glorious day. But do you know anything about it? I THOUGHT NOT! Well, most of you know about Christmas and Jesus, Thanksgiving and the Pilgrims, and the 4th of July and rednecks. So, I thought I'd spread the greenish words of glory onto those who have little clue what it's all about. Going Green: Facts, Fun, and the History of St. Patrick's Day.


St. Patrick's Day Facts

True Life: I'm a Drunk Irish Low-Level Blogger

-St. Patrick's Day was first celebrated in the 1600's in Ireland, but many Irish claim it was even before then that it was celebrated.
-It's popularity is due to the fact that the Irish Catholics used St. Patrick's Day as a break during Lent, so that they could drink. It eventually became an annual tradition.
-Originally, the color Blue was widely associated with the holiday. The color green was adopted to honor St. Patrick, who used the 3-leaf clovered shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to the Irish while converting them. And also...Ireland is very green, not blue.
-St. Patrick's Day wasn't as widely celebrated until the Irish government began to promote in the mid-1990s to gain tourism for Ireland and spread the Irish culture, like Australians do with Cinco de Mayo.
-"Erin Go Braugh" means "Ireland Forever." You should ask anyone that says what it means and if they don't know, you should slap them. In the balls.
-Although 38 Million Americans claim Irish ancestry, only 135,000 were born in Ireland.
-St. Patrick was actually born in Britain.

St. Patrick's Day Fun

Asian Girls Drinkin' Guinness. Doesn't Get Much More Irish than that.

-There are 48,000 bars in America that serve green beer on St. Patrick's Day
-"Slainte" is the most common Irish toast, meaning "health."
-Boston has the longest running St. Patrick's Day parade in the United States, the first being in 1737. This was the first St. Patrick's Day parade in the world, ever.
-The only countries that get off work for the day are Ireland, Montserrat, and the Canadian territory Newfoundland. Montserrat, a small Caribbean island, was founded by Irish refugees and the day celebrates a slave uprising in the late 1700s.
-Black and Tans, Irish Coffee, and "Light" beer will all get you made fun of, if you order them in Ireland.


Why Do People Drink on St. Patrick's Day? Just Because?
Pictured: Irish Pride

There is actually a legitimate reason that drinking on St. Patrick's Day became a tradition, besides all the fun. It comes from an old Irish lesson. As it's told, St. Patrick was served a glass of whiskey that was far from full. To teach the bar owner a lesson in generosity, he told the owner that there was a devil in the basement of the bar that grew stronger with every bit of dishonesty that took place inside. To get rid of the devil, the owner must change his ways. St. Patrick returned to the bar some time later, this time to find the owner overflowing customer's glasses with whiskey. He took the owner down to the basement and declared the demon gone. St. Patrick proclaimed afterwords that "everyone should have a drop of the hard stuff" on his Feast Day. This drinking of the hard stuff is known as "Patrick's Pot" or "Drowning the Shamrock," as it is custom to float a shamrock in their drink before imbibing.
Sometime later, in Heaven, St. Patrick was voted the "Saint With the Best Feast Day," just ahead of St. Valentine and little-known saint, St. Flag O'Day.


That's all I have for you....have a fun, safe, and very, very green St. Patrick's Day. Oh, and drunk. Have a drunk St. Patrick's Day!

Valentine's Day: Your Guide to Love and Sex

Love is a hard thing to figure out. So is sex. If you're like me (Ed.'s Note: If you are...that sucks) then neither of these things has ever been easy to acquire. How can us men figure out women? How can you women figure out men? (hint: we like sports and sex) I'm created a foolproof guide to the opposite sex. Your Guide to True Love.


If You're A Man...
Pictured: A Real Man
How to Know If She Loves You:
Ask the following 10 questions to yourself.
1. Does she say "I Love You" to you?
2. Does she openly talk about stuff you are going to do in the future?
3. Does she let you watch sports/control the remote?
4. Have you met her family?
5. Does her family like you?
6. Do you buy her stuff on holidays/birthdays/anniversaries? (hint: flowers don't count)
7. Do you make her orgasm?
8. Are most of the guy friends she has gay?
9. Do you dress up/shave for your dates?
10. Does she shave her pubic region for you?

Did you say yes to:
0-2 Questions: She hates you and is cheating on you with multiple people.
3-5 Questions: She might love you, but it's more likely that you're just good in bed or convenient for her.
6-8 Questions: She loves you but it's probably fleeting. Do the kinky stuff while you can.
9-10 Questions; Congratulations! She loves you! You will now cuddle on Friday nights after seeing "Dear John" or whichever "The Notebook" re-make is out!

If You're a Woman:
Pictured: Unrealistic Expectations
How to Know He Loves You:
Ask the following 10 Questions to yourself:
1. Do you ever give him head?
2. Do you make him orgasm?
3. Do you pretend to like his super-cool friends that you find annoying?
4. Do you think cheating is wrong, no matter how drunk you are?
5. Honestly...do you give him head?
6. Do you have big boobs?
7. Are you skinny? (Seriously, though. This isn't the time for self-flattery)
8. Can you cook delicious food?
9. Do you have big boobs?
10. Do you have big boobs?

Did you say yes to:
0-3 Questions: He either loves your boobs or nothing at all.
4-6 Questions: He might love you. Pass the beer. I'm trying to watch the game.
7-8 Questions: Boobs. Hmm. But what's for dinner?
9-10 Questions: You have big boobs AND you give him head? Oh yeah. He loves you


Man or woman, if you have failed the self-test, there are still ways to FIND love on Valentine's Day. Here's what you can do to find love if you haven't yet.

If You're a Man, Looking for Love:
Ask Yourself the Following 5 Questions:
1. Do I have lots of money?
2. Is the girl you're looking for, is she that drunk girl in the corner dancing to "Sweet Child O' Mine"?
3. Does she have a tattoo on her lower back or shoulder that is kind of stupid?
4. Does she have a degree/good job?
5. Is she 18?

Did you say yes to:
0 Questions: Invest in lube.
1-2 Questions: If #5 is a yes, then you might get laid at least.
3-4 Questions: Unless #4 is a yes, you're getting some vajayjay.
5 Questions: Yup. You're gonna have to date her.

If You're a Woman, Looking for Love:
Ask Yourself the Following Questions:
1. Your boobs...are they big?
2. Are you skinny?

Did you say yes to:
0 Questions: Three letters: G-Y-M.
1-2 Questions: Go to a bar. Love = achieved.

That's the key to love, as far as I know. follow my advice and love will be in your present and future!

'Twas Drunk Before Christmas

Twas drunk before Christmas, looking up my girls blouse
The whole room was blurry, her squeaking like a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
but I tore them down and put up my underwear.

The children could probably hear us in bed,
"Stop!" they cried, but that's not what she said.
And her mom and mine drank wine, spilling on their lap
While the whiskey I'm drinking tastes like crap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
'twas just my friend Tom in his car, drunker and fatter
Right out the window, I hear quite a crash
But it was just my drunk friend knocking over my trash.

And his drunk ass fell down in the snow,
Which was a shame, cause he spilled all the blow.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My mom and hers lining up some good cheer.

We took shots of tequila but the blow hit us quick!
We were more fucked than Tiger Woods' dick.
"I love a white christmas," I did proclaim,
"What a faggot!" they said, and my high felt like shame.

"You're both skanks and whores, maybe even vixens!
Oh, you use Comet to clean carpets, but it makes the stains mix in!
And look at those drapes, you should be appalled!
Now line up more cocaine, before I go bald!"

As I looked for vodka, rum, or some rye
The cabinet was bare, the whole house was dry.
But as I searched the home of the women I not knew,
I found some chew, brew, and sniffed glue.

And then, while tweaking, I heard a noise on the roof
But it was probably just my mind going aloof.
The ladies were talking of shopping, it sounded so profound!
I went back to the daughter, debating the complex nature of proper nouns!

As I arrived, she sparked up a doobie, as long as a foot!
And she handed me a bottle with beer, not of the variety "root."
Like a dream, she pulled out some heroin and crack,
I said "Suit yourself, I don't dabble in smack."

His eyes-how they sparkled, I thought the drugs made her merry,
Until her nose bled out like 100 smashed cherries.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And all I could think of was getting more blow.

For the next fifteen minutes, I stared at a wreath,
while the old ladies watched "What Lies Beneath."
That Michelle Pfieffer, I said, Isn't she smelly?
The old ladies were confused and turned back to the telly

"Your daughter, I say, that's short as an elf,
I think she OD'd and puked on herself!"
I sipped on my whiskey, while the women fleed,
I didn't feel bad, everyone knows not to mix heroin and speed.

I turned up the telly, the women were yelling and going berserk,
They rushed to the ER, while she bled on my seat. Jerk.
And laying my finger aside of my nose,
I asked if they could drop me at off at the 2-for-1 special at Joe's.

They rushed into the hospital, as fast as a missle,
I stayed in the car to listen to that rap song with the whislte.
There I sit drunk, as high as a kite,
Not letting a pesky O.D. ruin Christmas night!

Holiday Mailbag

It's that time of year that everyone loves! And I love it even more, do you know why? Because today marks a new mailbag, not just any mailbag-a real one. Well, not like a real mailbag, I'm not a mailman. But I am the mail MAN. For the first time in mailbag history, every question is for real. Real questions from real readers. WHAT A CONCEPT!

Q: What are your feelings about New Years Eve and the kiss at midnight? Is there any sort of etiquette, espeically if alcohol is involved? And say your girlfriend is going on vacation over New Years. Is she allowed to kiss someone else? Is she allowed to kiss another girl?

-E. Szymski, Bloomington, IL

A: My feelings on the kiss at midnight are that I love it. Alcohol is pretty much a given on New Years Eve, and there's no real etiquette to be quite honest. Interesting you ask such a convenient hypothetical question! She would absolutely not be able to kiss someone else--especially say if she took a friend and tried to kiss her. Because THEN they're already friends and the possibility arises of a spark igniting between the two. And a girl turning into a lesbian right after they dated you is all sorts of ego-shattering.

Q: This is my first Christmas where I am 21, so my family will finally let me drink. How completely obliterated do I get? Should I just take life by the throat and tell my family how I really feel about them or should I wait a few years to make a terribly large scene?

--B.P. Stewart, Bloomington, IL

A: This reminds me of my first X-Mas as a 21 year old, something I like to call Zzzz-Mas since I passed out during my family party. That is neither here nor there, though. Family parties are often tedious, nerving, and/or downright hard to deal with. You should absolutely get hammered like a loose nail on a floorboard. As for telling them what you really feel--that is an awful idea. Part of being a family is not telling them how you really feel of them. You think anyone wants to hear Grandma's old stories about her dancing with a navy man after a bunch of martini's? Hell no. But they also want that Best Buy gift card so they can pick up Season 5 of the Gilmore Girls.

Q: If you could pick any 2 celebrities that would be the "it" couple, based on success, money, looks, personality, and that would make the perfect baby... who would you choose and why?

--Anonymous, ScardyCatVille.

A: Hmm, this is a tough question. Looks and personality do not often come together. And who knows, two weeks ago I may have included Tiger Woods in this answer but now he's one of the last people I'd pick. Based on personality, looks, success, etc, I would have to include George Clooney, although a little old, and Beyonce. Perhaps the answer is a little weird...but there's nothing wrong with a little white chocolate. I mean, both those celebs are successful, attractive, and seem to be pretty down to earth in comparison to most others.

Q: What's the most embarrassing drinking story you have heard? (yours, a friends, or any other real one: I don't want to read the story about the people who picked up a troll on the road, sobered up, and realized they abducted a midget)-

--J. McDonald, Chicago, IL

A: Funny...that's the story of how me and my girlfriend met. Whoa, just kidding. As for most embarrassing, that's a toughie. And I can't post any of my girlfriend's stories since her entire family reads this. There was a time in college where I was "walking" home and a cop stopped me since I believe I had an open container. To get out of my ticket, I started crying and told him my fiancee just broke up with me...even though I hadn't had a girlfriend since junior high. The officer was very understanding and even offered me a ride home...but looking back I kinda wish I at least didn't just type that.

Q; What are your feelings on the conspiracy theory that Lady Gaga is a victim of government mind control?

--J-Mayer, Probably From Inside My House

A: Not all the questions can be winners apparently. But in the interest of fairness, I will of course answer it. I think that conspiracy theories and anyone who believes them are quite dumb. Why would the government mind control someone into being a mega-popstar crazy woman? Did they also mind control Stevie Wonder to be blind and Lance Bass to be gay? Let's be realistic here people.

Q; If you had to pick one of the following, who would you be? Cappie from GREEK,Chuck from CHUCK,Desmond from LOST,or Jack Bauer from 24?

--Anonymous, CrazyHoeLand.

A: Hmm, let's analyze this here...Cappie is a burnout college student so no. Jack Bauer runs around just killing people and getting shot at so also no. Desmond and Chuck...how does one decide? I have no clue. I'll go with Desmond, only because he's already got the girl...while Chuck is a bumbling idiot in front of them. Plus...I'd have that sexy (to girls, at least) Scottish accent. MMMMMMMM.

Q: Let's say you're sleeping with someone and they keep saying that you're "just friends". Then they spend every night at your house for practically 3 months. Then one night, they tell you they are starting to fall in love with you. A couple weeks later, they tell you they've met someone that they've "never felt so connected to and she's amazing" and it's back to friends doing it. Tell me Mike, did they ever really love me? Aw crap, I mean, did they ever really love you?

--R. Logan, ABC Family Studios

A: The only thing they really loved was sleeping with you. If they were sleeping with you for that long...but were able to fall for someone else that quickly, then I think it's pretty clear that you were being used for your fantastic body and possible flexibility. You're kind of a ho though.

Q; If you plan a spring break trip when you are single, but you have a boyfriend by the time you go on said trip are you considered single during the trip?

--Anonymous, Jillie's Sorority House

A: Only if you also want to be single when you come back.

Q: Why do you think red wine is good for you? And in a more general sense, what other alcoholic beverage do you suppose might prove beneficial to the human body in the long run?
-Sara Elizabeth Scarim, Buffalo Grove

A: Well, I think that red wine is good for you since it's the blood of christ, obviously. In more seriousness, red wine has certain ingredients that can be beneficial to your heart in the long run IF drank in moderation. Why, I don't know. As for any others, I know Guinness also has some potential health benefits, especially for the heart, if it is drank in moderation. But remember kiddos: everything in moderation, even moderation.

Q; What is your favorite place to go watch soccer games in Chicago and why?
-Tim Quirsfeld, Arlington Heights, IL

A: Soccer is rather underappreciated in Chi-town and in the United States, which is a damn shame since I love it so much. But you can get your fix at The Globe Pub on the 1900 block of Irving Park Rd. It's fun (if you like soccer) and beer is moderately priced, which is a plus no matter what you like watching/not watching.

Q: What is Mike Fontenot's current relationship status, and do you think I'd have any chance of "touching base" with him?
--Some Girl that has no chance with Mike Fontenot
A: Mike Fontenot is currently single and in all likelihood, will be looking for a girlfriend in a new city if the Cubs remember to wake up from their hibernation so far this winter. But go for it, I know my brother's friend sister hooked up with Ronny Cedeno when he was a Cub...so maybe there's hope for you yet. (Let's be honest though, there really isn't, Sara.)

Q: My hamster is having an insanely bad hair day. Do you have any personal recommendations for hamster hair care? (This is in reference to Tristan, of course)
--Hopefully a PetCo Employee

A: My girlfriend's dad is supposedly a vet and I'm assuming that means he also specializes in animal hair care...so I can ask during chanukah tonight and let you know any hamster hair care tips. I'll make sure to get into as much detail as possible, since I know this is really, really important. (Personally, I think you should just save it. Then there's no hair care to worry about.)

Q: In your own professional opinion, what is the absolute best way to go about stealing a pizza from a bar's charity function? Please list this in step-by-step format.
-Tim, Arlington Heights, IL

A: Some might say it'd be wrong to steal from a charity event at a bar...but I say I need that pizza as bad as the needy people. Lora only cooks so much filet mignon. Here is the step-by-step process for stealing pizza from a bar charity event:

1) pick up pizza

2) walk towards door

3) tell friends walking in front of you to stop walking like your grandma and hurry the hell up

4) get in car and drive home

5) eat pizza in car/at home

6) Enjoy! And don't waste it--there's starving kids in Africa.

Q: How do you come up with so many "smooth" lines to wooo! the ladies? Is there a formula, or what's the trick?
-Tim, PoonVille, USA.

A: You'd have to get the formula from Jack Daniels. The trick is girls like being told they're pretty, so tell them they're pretty. Believe it or not, it's Just. That. Simple. Also, I don't appreciate the smooth being in quotation marks. I think Jessica Alba and Hilary Duff would beg to differ.

Q: Toss up! Christmas or Chanukah? Go!
-Timbone, Bad Nickname Factory, IL.
A: This is such an uncool question. I have enjoyed my previous 22 Christmases and am not even halfway through my first Chanukah. But I clearly have to say Christmas. Not every holiday offers me the opportunity to drink Nog-A-Sake and see my aunts and grandma get drunk and yell at everyone else while opening presents. Although, that's not too different from my Chanukah experience so far...

Q; What are your top-3 one-liners from all of Seth Rogan's films? One per movie, please.
-yeadude, Couldn'tEvenTypeYourNameVille.

A: Ok, I guess...I didn't see Observe and Report, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, or You Me and Dupree so those will be excluded.

Funny People: "I don't think I can hide that, my face is circumsized."

Pineapple Express: "CousCous, the food so nice they named it twice."

Superbad: "18 road beers...oh there's no time to pay."

Knocked Up: "Haha...no work today..."

40-Year Old Virgin: "There's something wrong with her underwear.." "Yeah, they're not in my mouth."

Q: Other than Party at Kitty and Stud's, what's your favorite Sly Stallone film?

--JerkInTheComments, Jerkville.

A: Clearly there is no substitute for Rocky IV. It is the best Sly movie, best boxing movie, and best anti-communism movie of all time. And make no mistake: communism is the worst thing ever invented by whatever atheists believe in.

Q; Everyone knows the 12 days of christmas song... if you had to re-write it, what would your true love give you each day?

--Anonymous, Obviouslytown.

A: I'm not going to rewrite the whole song, since I don't feel like retyping the 1st day twelve times, but here are the 12 things:

1st Day: One Pie for Eating

2nd: Two Cakes for Caking

3rd: Three Ice's a Creamin'

4th: Four Strawberrys for Shortcaking

5th: Five Goldennnn Caramelssss

6th: Six Free Drinks

7th: Seven Grams for Smoking

8th: Eight Hours of Football

9th: Nine Times a "Knockin'"

10th: Ten Purple Dranks

11th: Eleven Figs for Newtoning

12th: Twelve More Dayssssssssssssssss

Q: In your experience, what's the most exotic place you've bumped uglies? If you could pick anywhere you haven't already done the nasty, where would you do the deed?

--That'sKindofPrivateButOK

A: Once, I did it in Israel. That was so exotic. Or was it just a Jewish girls house? Probably. I wish I could say I've been more exotic but no. I've always wanted to do that at church. Does that make me a bad person? Probably, but so do other things...so don't worry about it.

Q: Say that you were FORCED to sleep with one of the following sex kittens (as they are today, not in the past). Who do you pick, and why? 1) Hillary Clinton, 2) Susan Boyle, 3) Michelle Duggar, 4) Aretha Franklin, 5) Cher, 6) Jocelyn Wildenstein.

--Larry Dolan, ProbablyNotHimTown.

A: It would most definitely NOT be Michelle Duggar because I think if I triple wrapped it, she'd still have a kid. Aretha and Cher are just tooo old, Boyle too ugly, and Wildenstein is flat out one of the most disgusting things to walk the Earth since Jellyfish could walk. Why not Hilary? Seems like she might make up for all that lost time Bill doesn't show her attention.

Q: What is the single most overrated film of all time?

--GenericQuestionAsker, GerericismCourt.

A: Of all time? Yikes spikes dykes. Personally, I hate the Lord of the Rings films. And people seem to be obsessed to the bone with all that junk. So I suppose I'd pick those. All of them. Three films to rule all suck.

Q: What's the best present/gift/kind gesture you've ever received?

-SuchASweetPerson, SweetTartCandyLand.

A: My graduation present from college was a trip to Ireland for St. Patrick's Day. Aka the best day ever in the best place ever with the best drink ever AND Tim. Whoa. As for like a gift from a friend/girlfriend, I don't know but I assume I will get it next week. Best. Chanukah. Ever.

That will do it for the holiday mailbag. I hope it got you all festive and stuff. But I must go for I have to celebrate Chanukah again. AND AGAIN! I'll see-or write-you all later. Adios!