Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: Fight to the Finish

Welcome ladies and men to the final real-time pom pom review. And we can all breathe a little deeper knowing that, although the Bring it On series is over, it still lives on in our hearts. I figured Id finish this segment while I still have time on my hands so let's get right down to brass tacks and watch some cheerleading I'm psyched. Drunk Real-Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On 438

00:00:00: It doesn't matter what I'm drinking since, when you're watching Bring It On 5, everything taste like dog pee. Not coincidently, I think my dad's girlfriend's dog that we're watching just peed on my bedroom rug. That's dynamite.

00:00:30: Hmmm Christina Milian is the lead. She's looking OK.

00:01:24: Stereotypical black people face off versus male latin gang members in a cheer off. I'm not joking.

00:02:09: Is it ironic when Mexicans wear wife beaters while dancing to "Lean Like a Cholo"?

00:02:42: More dancing. It could be worse, they could be acting.

00:03:12: Oh it's a dream and Christina's pissed her mom married a gringo. So cliche.

00:03:45: Poor her. She has to go live in Malibu. That's the worst.

00:04:40: Last day in East LA. Do white people actually marry latina women? Ay yay yay overpopulationa.

00:05:32: These people are making it hard to make fun of them by not doing anything. Do something.

00:06:15: Oh here we go. This guy does a head bob everytime he ends a sentence. I wonder where he got that habit....

00:06:49: Now they're going through security to get into class. I remember this one time at my high school, we all had to stay in line for a fire drill. That's kinda similar, no?

00:07:55: Latin people sure do have big butts. That's all I got.

00:08:27: A "cheer-wreck" and "cheer-ocide" is more like it, morons.

00:09:00: I think I could jump through those girls earings. OOOOO sexy latin music in spanky shorts. This rum is starting to taste good.

00:09:49: Hmmm yeah wipe yourself off girl. Wipe that sweat all over. Wait thats gross.

00:10:27: Broken spanish, so heartwarming as Christina says goodbye to beautiful Compton.

00:11:09: Pan out and we get a nice little view of LA. Or Salt Lake City, whatever they could afford probably.

00:11:59: I like her silver belt. So shiny.

00:12:36: This is alot sadder than the other Bring It On's. I know...shocking.

00:13:11: What the hell is this ginger doing here? Don't they know this is about disadvantaged minorities overcoming possible odds?!

00:14:00: Damn that girl is like really ginger. It's like they put makeup on her to make her more ginger. But how can you take away more of a soul that's not there?

00:14:36: Chrissy's wearing an "I'm so gangster" shirt. I think if you have to wear that shirt, you're as gangster as me when I had blonde hair.

00:15:11: Ginger's got a cheer cabinet full of cheer trophies. WILL THEY LEARN TO CHEER-SPECT EACH OTHER?

00:15:55: Three Jaguar's pull up in a row and the girls that get out....guess their nicknames....yup, The Jaguars. AND they're cheerleaders.

00:16:40: Bicker Bicker Bicker Wah Wah Wah. I can smell the menstruation.

00:17:30: Oh, they're Cuban. I'd smoke you, but that'd be illegal. Nope, that was too much. Terrible, Mike.

00:18:11: Preppy guy named Evan is wearing neon under a sweater with weird hair. My guess: closeted man-lover.

00:19:09: Label-whores. I don't get the nickname "Jalepeno," is that some sorta Malibuian thing?

00:19:55: Good point. Why DO people say No Offense then just offend you? Life lessons from the Asian nerd with a lisp!

00:20:39: Hydraulics leads to a sex joke leads to my second drink.

00:21:41: She gets to take a limo home? This bitch is mopey for a Cuban. Does that make sense?

00:22:20: Now the ginger looks ever LESS ginger. These makeup people need to fiiiiiired

00:22:59: White people dancing in yellow. At least Christina has hear cleavage hanging out. Why do latin people wear such annoying earrings. They're distracting me from her boobs.

00:23:58: She's gonna fall for the man-lover. Could've called that one. And Christina shoots a basketball like my girlfriend shoots....you know what? I'm gonna stop there. (Hint: I was gonna say pool. POCKET POOL! BWAHAHAHHAHA!)

00:24:59: Damn I need to get her personal trainers number. But how can she do all these cheers while not looking at them and being with them for the first time? I'll let it go, since the rest of the movie is Oscar quality.

00:25:49: Christina made the team and was named team captain. Captain of Latin-Boobville.

00:26:22: Anyone ever have Cuban food? I have a hankering for some Cuban Fish Tacos. (note: vagina references are always funny)

00:27:16: Hahaha the horn was a Mexican Hat Dance. But they're CUBAN.

00:28:01: No cheerleader left behind. That's been the plan from day 1, darling. That's why we let it go that you're all dumb.

00:28:44: A Dora the Explorer reference....can't go wrong there. (the sad thing is, I'm not joking.)

00:29:19: OK, you can't just put the word cheer in front of everything. Cheerbarasment? Look in the mirror, everyone in this movie.

00:30:00: A lot more cleavage and skankiness in this one. Hooray!

00:30:30: Sea Lions vs. Jaguars! I'd like to see who'd win....UNDERWATER!

00:31:01: That's not the only reason that girl dances with her tongue out!

00:31:29: That girl needs a tummy tuck. Oh don't act like I'm vain. 104 pounds is too much and you know it.

00:32:34: What's that girl complaining about? Christina is rocking it like T-Party. Is that a rapper? It should be. Think about it.

00:33:29: All her friends are moving into their Malibu house. Not stereotypical latinos at all. Next they'll be carpooling!

00:34:19: Shake what yo' mama gave you? They're white, silly Latins! You get butts, we get money.

00:34:55: How does this Cuban dude have sick rims/hydraulics and a customized license plate? Oh wait, he bummed some cash for gas. Back to normal.

00:35:45: I think man-lover and Christina are cheersexing. DIRTY!

00:36:28: Oh man-lover and the weird latino dude are bonding.

00:37:09: A latin bro? Can I be a white homey?

00:38:00: Pathetic, man-lover. Say something charming already and charm me. I mean Christina.

00:38:38: Basketball game. Cheering at halftime. Wait, I don't get it....why are the Latin girls from Compton at the Malibu school? I'll let it go, but only because I'm expecting big things from this franchise in the future.

00:39:44: Say what you will about bitches, they sure are hotter than nice girls.

00:40:30: Classic sea-lion vs. jaguar battle. WHO WILL RULE THE ANIMAL KINGDOM OF THE MALIBU JUNGLE?

00:40:54: The only time "This is sea lion territory" have ever been uttered in the history of cinema.

00:41:38: Chiquita Banana? Classic!

00:42:09: I just checked....this movie is 110 minutes! What happened to my mericful 90 minute runtimes?

00:43:11: How DO latin girls move their hips like that? Who cares. Why am I questioning perfecton.

00:44:00: Lisp Fried Rice is getting down with the Latin Kings. It's not racist if it's delicious.

00:44:50: I think Christina is wearing glitter as a top. What would your mother say? (Thanks for the free money, Christina chiciquita bonita)

00:45:48: Man-lover is wearing a fedora. I love fedoras. Their like the white sombreros.

00:46:18: Lisp asian is hot now. And I haven't even had any sake yet.

00:47: 22: You just can't be looking at people? This is stranger than that time I got lost and asked for directions to Anchorage and the guy told me to "Just take Lake Shore Drive 3 miles north." Is there cocaine in my rum?

00:48:49: Graffiti jeans! The new trend in East Los. Catch ON NOW

00:49:14: I never thought I'd say this, but that is one badass plant.

00:49:30: Hold your chest up. Take Christina's advice, all girls that are reading this. A push up bra wouldn't hurt either.

00:50:30: Christina wears alot of Abercrombie for someone from Compton.

00:51:01: And with a little inspiration, the reject cheerleaders are now professional dancers. It's a Malibuiricle!

00:51:38: A Cheer-gasm has made it's first appearance and it's because of a guy in pink. I mean....he's gotta love cock.

00:52:49: How is the ginger this pale? She lives OFF THE BEACH.

00:53:28: How come gay boys always get the hottest girls? Am I right, men?

00:54:22: Acoustic guitar? They should've just casted John Mayer in the role of douchebag metrosexual.

00:55:19: That is some epic bird shit that ruined a kiss. Thank god.

00:55:40: MONTAGE TO CHEESY POP MUSIC ON THE BEACH. WELCOME TO THE OC, BITCH.

00:56:39: Haha the United Nations. Cause they're all minorities. Hahaha.

00:57:23: Hold up, I'm tweeting.

00:58:30: Debate about Tila Tequila's nationality. Whore isn't a nationality, girls.

00:59:19: Bluetooth: still only for douchebags.

00:59:40: I'm switching to beer. I'm sorry, I"m just running out of my dad's free booze. And I'm pretty drunk.

01:00:23: Evil plotting.

01:01:31: Illegal cheer-igrants?

01:01:45: Man-Lover feels like Cinderella. My theory is holding more water than a 8-month pregnant fat girl.

01:02:45: Illegal transfers! The team is ruined. Typical sea lions! Always getting into near-extinction!

01:03:55: Polka dot dress. Really, ginger girl? You can afford better. AND WITH THAT COMPLEXTION! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

01:04:49: Ginger just did a absolutely hideous impression of a Latin Robot Girl. Thank god Christina at least called out her dress. And a pop song by Christina herself comes on. How talented.

01:05:55: A Cuban sewing for free? Not stereotypical.

01:06:18: Ginger makeover! Guess what? You still don't have a soul beneath that makeup and yellow polka dots! I don't care how cute as a button you look!

01:07:40: Wow. Leather pants are really bringing out the ass in ass.

01:08:29: Tuck in your shirt with that tie, man-lover.

01:09:23: Lisp Fried Rice was going for sizzling. Only if there's shrimp that comes with you.

01:09:44: LADY GAGA PLAYS AS WE JUST DANCE OUR BAD ROMANCE AWAY FROM THE PAPARRAZI WHILE SHOWING OUR POKER FACES ON OUR TELEPHONES. Shit now I seriously feel like dancing.

01:10:48: I feel a dance off coming on I was in a dance-off once. I didn't win. I know, you're shocked like you're on the electric chair.

01:11:45: If this is a dance-off, what's a dance-on?

01:12:22: Drive by's and chickens. That sounds fun to me, I don't know why white bitch be hatin'.

01:13:03: Christina doens't like being insulted. I do.

01:13:58: Christina just broke up with man-lover. Better than catching him with a failed actor in a cheap bar bathroom.

01:14:40: You can't desert the sea lions. You've already abandonded the chinchillas and look what happened to them!

01:14:41: I'm not ever sure what that meant.

01:15:55: Beautiful courtyard montage. BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS FTW.

01:16:33: They're all quitting the cheer thing. Quitting is so lame. That's why you're in Bring it On 5.

01:17:19: Holy shit the ginger is going crazy with the latina lingada on the white bitches.

01:18:33: I tihnk they just took a limo to East LA, which is about as smart as taking a limo to East LA.

01:19:59: Too much latin music. I don't understand you, go back to your country, white power.

01:20:35: They're all-stars now. So what, I think Jon Lieber made an All-Star Team.

01:21:44: HOw does dancing in East LA help you dance like you're from East LA? Maybe if I moved to Cuba, it would help learn me to be poor. Wait, it probably would. This movies too long.

01:22:45: They all screamed something, but like Baxter the Dog, I don't speak spanish.

01:23:15: Is there a difference between dancing and cheerleading? Me thinks the movie dost protest too much! Sorry, I had to get a Shaekspeare reference in there.

01:24:09: Sometimes you just gotta pin Christina against a locker and kiss her, even though you like penis in your mouth.

01:25:38: Cheerchampionships, Day 1. Wait...there's more than one day of this? God, I hope my children are boys or fat girls.

01:26:19: Seriously, how do you get your abs like that? I used to do 200 situps a day and nothing. Whatever. (eats Haagen Dasz)

01:27:33: WHOA! Forever the Sickest Kid's song "Whoa Oh" is in this movie! That's number 4 on iTunes top 25 most played! Yikes I feel gay!

01:28:50: Toshiba latops. For your cheering needs. ugh, sorry, I'm really running on fumes here.

01:29:29: Hey they made the finals, go figure. And that host from Dancing With the Stars that has boobs talks to me for a second. Eh get a facial.

01:30:25: Lisp Fried Rice all the sudden is hot, limber and I wanna ban......ahhhhh oops.

01:32:22: I haven't really been paying attention because my Heineken was hard to open. The Jaguars did good though. What if one of them got in a car accident and had to drive a Mazda. Would they be the Jagzda's. ugh I really wanted that to turn into a sex joke but i couldn't find it. That's what she said! Haha there I found it.

01:33:29: The ginger's wearing glitter on her face....BUT I CAN STILL SEE HER FRECKLES EWWWW! (Jillie, tell Lucy I'm kidding)

01:34:10: Booty dancing is not chering. NONE of this is. It's just dancing and leg-spreading. Well, I have no problem with that really.

01:35:10: More dancing. If you care, I hate you.

01:36:00: I fast-forwarded to the end of their routine. Sorry, I'm cooking dinner too. I'm domestic like this.

01:36:49: Christina and her ghetto crew won it all. Hooray. Color me drunk. I can't really blame them though, it's not like the makers of this movie were like "hey some drunk guy is gonna real time blog these while drinking let's cater to him!"

01:37:45: That's a big ass trophy. Goes well with their big asses.

01:38:00: Holy shit they're eating Flipsides! Half-pretzel/half-cracker, how can you lose?! YOU CAN'T!

01:38:49: There's some Christina Milian music video but if you think I'm gonna live-blog that shit, you're drunker than an Amish person at Rumspringa. How the FUCK do I know that?

That's it's we're all done. That Asian is sure still hot. Jillie (my beautiful gf).....get this Asians number. What? I thought you loved threesome jokes.

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: In It To Win It

The titles just get more and more creative, don't they? Well, the segment you all know (perhaps love?) is back for a limited time. I think this is the second to last in the monumental Bring It On series, so I'll try and finish what I started. After all, nobody likes a quitter. Here we go with Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: In It to Win It

00:00:00: I'm drinking Vodka Martinis. Class class class.

00:00:01: This has a "N/A" on Rotten Tomatoes, so I'm holding out hope that his will be the Citizen Kane of straight-to-DVD cheerleader movies.

00:00:24: What morons are renting this after the three other ones? (*looks in mirror*)

00:01:04: There isn't a hair on screen that isn't blonde.

00:01:33: Script by Mike's Former Gym Teacher

00:02:04: Cheerleader in a Jason mask. What? (Checks title of movie.) Oh yeah, nevermind.

00:03:12: Cheerleading camp is not fun. Tell it, cliche black girl!

00:03:40: "Dibs on their entrails." I swear, that just happened.

00:04:20: Epitomized? That's a pretty big word for Bring It On 4.

00:05:57: That is the blondest blonde I've ever blonded.

00:06:18: Note to self: Guerillia Warfare does NOT involve actual gorillas.

00:07:00: How come girls didn't have these kinda boobs in high school? Would have been such a better excuse for me not getting laid.

00:07:44: I don't think that's the right way to say "you've got skid marks."

00:08:30: This guy is like half-Indian, half-Vietnamese with a rat tail. Which is funny, because Veitnamese eat rat. It's like he's eating his own hair! EWWWWW!

00:09:39: Do girls actually like licking ass? That's gross, ladies. Oh wait, she said abs.

00:10:55: It's true, girls, guys do hate biters.

00:11:31: Sue me, so far I like it.

00:11:59: This girl's name is Chicago? I know black ppl like to be creative, but c'mon.

00:12:50: That'd be hotter if you were in a skirt, darling.

00:13:44: That stick she's holding is full of spirit, alright. And you'll get to feel it's aura all night. (Get it? It was a sex joke.)

00:14:33: The Cheer Gods? Are they named "Like" "Totally" and "Whatever"?

00:14:55: Girl just slapped her ass. BRB.

00:15:42: Inter-cheer-racial relationship. You see, it's funny because their cheerleaders.

00:16:45: Apparently, one of these girls is Ashley Tisdale's sister. I can only imagine that phone call: "Hey, Ashley, wanna do Bring It On 4? Oh ok, can you hand the phone to your sister?"

00:17:38: Cheer skirts, that's better. Don't worry, they're all 18. At least....shit, no more sex jokes.

00:18:39: Points will be deducted for bad facials. Wait...is this porn?

00:19:16: That's not dancing. That's the move I like to call "I'm a Slut So I Call Shaking My Ass Dancing"

00:20:12: Smile, emo girl. JESUS she's wearing vampire teeth. Note to self: Make sure my girlfriend doesn't turn emo.

00:21:00: Drink #2, on it's way. Too early for another drink? Shut up, you're not watching Bring It On 4.

00:21:01: Side Note: Can you use black olives for martinis? If not, I just wasted a ton of vodka.

00:21:15: Fairy Gothmother? Shut up and keep looking good in that bikini.

00:21:57: Cheer off on the beach. Written exculsively by 4th Grader Susie Johnson.

00:23:02: Popped a chubber. Classy way of saying you just got a boner.

00:23:40: This gay guy is annoying. Not because he's gay, but because the guy who wrote this obviously has never met a gay person before.

00:24:32: One conversation with Rat-Tail and this girl's acting like she's in love. See, this is why I chose to be abstinent in high school.

00:25:30: Fire, water, earth and air with the Spirit Stick in the center. cough*TheFifthElement*cough

00:26:40: Why can't I delete you? Funny, that's what I've been thinking for 27 minutes.

00:27:27: This is Romeo & Juliet, mixed with West Side Story, mixed with Down's Syndrome.

00:28:25: Wet T-Shirt Carwashes exist?!?! WHERE?!

00:29:00: Am I high or is that guy wearing a dog hat? WHOA nope. Dude just got his pants pulled off. That is NOT a dog.

00:30:15: Rat tail and the blonde are going on a 40 year long walk. Whatever, I'd still rather be watching this than Dear John.

00:31:01: Asian just made a karate joke. Then got a kiss. How come my karate jokes never work?

00:31:50: This is by far the gayest Latino on the planet.

00:32:34: The Rat Tail Asian wants to dance with the Jewish Princess. Reminds me of my first time. What?

00:33:33: Is that a cameraman in the CENTER OF THE SHOT? Oh wait they mean for us to see it. By "us" I mean "me" since no sane person would ever get this from Netflix.

00:34:38: Somebody jacked the spirit stick. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha. BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

00:35:23: OK, I'll say it. Somebody get Ashley Tisdale's sister a lead role in a serious dramatic movie. It'll win Best Comedy at the Golden Globes for sure.

00:36:48: What accent is this woman doing? Southern? Moroccan? Chilean? That would explain the earthquake. What? Too soon?

00:37:45: Hey, you can't go down head first down the slide? Someone kick the gay Latino out of the waterpark!

00:38:17: Now bad things are happening to all of them since they lost the spirit stick. you make your own luck ladies, just ask Dusty Baker in October 2003. JACKASS MOTHERFUCKER.

00:39:28: Wow, those are some nice eyes. I mean, it's not so often you see an Asian guy with baby blues. Whoa shit I'm typing this aren't I....

00:40:25: They are circling a bonfire....doing a "cheersacrifice"....please let it be me.

00:41:00: I wish I had that "Sassy Broadway Show Tunes" CD. I mean, I've been listening to the Wicked soundtrack lately and...it's delightful.

00:42:00: No. They're actually doing it. They are re-enacting a scene from West Side Story. Western Civilization = Over. Kill me. WHO WROTE THIS AND SAID HEY JOHN LETS RE-ENACT WEST SIDE STORY BECAUSE THIS IS BRING IT ON 4 AND WE NEED TO BRING IT!

00:43:12: Chugging faster in hopes that I will blackout from this horrible, horrible scene.

00:44:44: That girl's reading The Art of War. Come to meeeeeeeeeee.

00:45:19: Girl is having a dream about being cheerleading bums. But actually bums. Have you ever seen Evil Dead 2? I feel like it's that, but more......there really is no word. It's just fucking retarded.

00:46:40: DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR CHEER DREAMS! I NEED TO FINISH THE VODKA!

00:47:00: Switching to Red Bull/Vodka. It can't be any worse than the Black Olive Dirty Martini I just had. OR CAN IT? Stay tuned.

00:47:44: Stupid whores. That's all.

00:48:20: Hilary Duff Light? More like Hilary Duff Caffeine Free Diet Light.

00:49:00: Enemies becoming friends. Lovely.

00:49:59: God, I can't stop staring at Tisdale's boobs. Shit, I'm typing again aren't I?

00:50:44: We're the "Shets." Apparently, this is the best combination of Sharks and Jets. Not Sharts?

00:51:55: Booty dancing practice. My favorite kind of practice. Besides sex practice. That's funner.

00:52:31: I don't like this guy's mohawk. It makes him look like a rat-tailed half-Asian wannabee. What? It's not racist if it's true.

00:53:35: So mammy bobbs....so close to each other....must...sign up...for cheer squad...

00:54:28: Tisdale's wearing a lei. Ha. I'd lei her. Get it? I'm pretty clever.

00:55:33: Tisdale's being nice to Rat Tail. I don't like this side of her. I used to know you, Ashley Tisdale's sister.

00:56:20: That is his loss, if you are indeed double jointed, Ms. Tisdale. Meanwhile, my number's 630267941........

00:57:00: "Drinking 40's out the nipple" aka my new life motto.

00:57:45: A black girl that annunciates? hahahahaha. It just keeps getting less realistic!

00:58:34: They're all going around talking about their deepest secrets. It's like that day I saw a divorce therapist and then watched Space jam. Damn, Space Jam FUCKING RULES!

00:59:55: The gay latino is straight. Literally. And now he's getting attacked. Well played, not gay Latino. Well played.

01:00:55: Rat tail's telling Army dad about cheer camp. Rough. FATHER'S SHOULD ACCEPT THEIR SONS. NO MATTER WHAT!

01:01:59: OK, we get it Latino boy, you're not gay. But you are.

01:03:00: Why are they salsa dancing while moaning? Porn?

01:03:54: There's a straight closet, eh? Well, I'm out ladies. Dig in.

01:04:30: The worst. Montage. Ever.

01:05:04: Tisdale quotes The Art of War then walks away with taht fineeeeeee asss. Ugh. Jillie? We need to talk....about how great you are! (Whew....)

01:06:19: It's cheer recon spy shit. I feel liek I'm watching The Bourne Idiocy.

01:07:40: The opposing squad is in "Cheertopia." Meanwhile, I wish I was dead.

01:08:40: Tisdale's hat is bomb. Yeah, I'm down with today's lingo. Shut up, 20 year old haters.

01:09:26: "Straight" Latino's Hawaiian shirt makes me think he might be lying about....something....

01:10:25: I'm really wishing I was a cheerleader. It's so fun!

01:11:28: here we go, cheer camp championships! Why are there so many Asians?

01:12:30: Whoa, black guy didn't stick the landing. That's a points deduction for sure.

01:13:00: I can think of other things you can do while spreading those legs mid-air. But this is a family blog.

01:13:40: People live in South Dakota? I thought that was a myth.

01:14:02: I like making Vodka/Red Bull at home because at the bars it's like $9 for one. But if you do it at home, you just have to buy a Red Bull, which is like $4 and vodka, which is like....shit. It's probably the same. Fuck.

01:14:44: Jumping up and down = not that hard when you're makign a low budget cheer movie.

01:15:07: The following things were said in order: "Cheersaster," "Cheertastrophe," and "Cheerpocolypse of the sun." Ok, i'll give you the last one. I like that movie. It's just as mind-blowing....just in a....completely different way.

01:16:00: A Cheertage! See, i can do it tooo! Hehe haha.

01:16:39: The Mighty Flamingos? SnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnicker

01:17:34: OK I just have to say it. I wanna do strange things to Tisdale. I'm sorry, my girlfriend, but shes hot and BAM she's on my celeb list. So it's not cheating. Kinda.

01:19:09: SO MUCH PINK! HOW DO I FEEL THIS GOOD SOBERRRRRRRRRR

01:20:17: Rat tail and blondie fall in love. God damn, it's like Cinderella but....(LINE!)...less enchanting.

01:21:00: The Sharts start to perform. Noseplugs ready, people!

01:21:46: Lots of boobs and butts...some cute, some not. Other than that, IDK. Goth girl's looking like pretty do-able at this point. (Stares at drink) Mmmmmmmmm

01:22:50: Do cheerleaders like anal more than regular girls do? Sure seems like it from this scene.

01:23:55: Whoa. They got that move from a roller coaster. It's as dumb as it sounds, don't worry.

01:24:55: Cheer CAmp Competion = The Most Important Thing EVER.

01:25:34: South Dakota came in 3rd place. It's their new state motto.

01:26:00: The good guys won. Today was a fairy tale. Taylor Swift. What? Hmmmm

01:26:40: Rat-tail gets a makeout. And then they are in photoshopped London!

01:27:00: IT'S THE REAL ASHLEY TISDALE! SINGING HER HIT SINGLE "He said, She said." (Secretly likes it...)

01:27:56: The movie is over. Go away.

Also, Netflix: If this DVD smells like Vodka or Red Bull or Both, it wasn't me. It was Shaggy.

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: All or Nothing

You like it, you love it...here's some more of it. Drunk real time reviews of all those cheerleading movies you love cherish and ask for on your birthdays, anniversaries, christmas, chanukah, and kwanza. On that note...if you celebrate kwanza...you probably aren't at the right blog. But read on anyone! It's the one with Hayden Penetrationierre! That hot chick from Heroes and the little girl from Remember the Titans. And if you're a pedofile, that hot little girl from Remember the Titans. Also, please leave if you are that. Also the token black girl is Beyonce's sister...and she's 22. For once, I'm the real winner between writer vs. readers.

00:00:00: I'm drinking whatever the hell I want! WHAT DOES IT MATTA?!

00:00:44: Hayden grinding at prom. Then jumping. Who cares about the plot.

00:01:11: The star QB wins prom king. Where do they go to school, CRAZYTOWN?!?!

00:01:57: Cheering at Prom? Ummm...I feel like that's cool I guess.

00:02:55: Some kind of Satan worship cheer is going down. Is this one of those movies liek From Dusk Til Dawn where the vampires don't come til halfway through?

00:03:43: If this is one of Hayden's dreams, then where am I?

00:03:55: Hayden farted. Wait...girls do that?

00:04:33: Killer camera phone Hay-dawg.

00:05:00: Rihanna is in this? If Chris Brown shows up....WHOA!

00:05:55: PDA for Hay-Hay? AH so gross OMG WTF.

00:06:16: Hayden's a virgin? Haha. So is Lindsay Lohan.

00:06:59: Dude's gonna bang her by homecoming. I like this plot. It's like if American Pie was centered around jailbait and retarded monkeys.

00:07:46: Some guy just got hit in the balls. You really can't go wrong with comedy like that.

00:08:20: What's wrong with a big ass? I like them. So do black people. Right? I don't really know any, so maybe I'm wrong.

00:09:33: Hayden eating Funyons. I think I dreamt about that a few times. Also, they just mentioned Rihanna 3 times in a sentence. Shameless promotion, ftw I suppose.

00:10:38: Hayden's dad has a hideous mustache. This is a new category of bad mustache. It will be forever known as Shitstache.

00:11:16: Hayden has to move. RIGHT WHEN SHE MADE CAPTAIN! AHHH FUCK THAT!

00:12:04: Hayden was chewing gum and then she wasn't all in one double take. Someone must have used Diet iMovie to edit this one.

00:13:13: I think they are burying a dead body. Wait. They were burying her pom poms. Not even Beyonce's jailbait daughter can save us!

00:14:22: Girl spinning on her head. Doesn't that hurt or cause brain damage? Or wait...this is public school. Nevermind, nobody cares!

00:15:04: Awww Hayden's already getting made fun of at the black school. Let's all feel bad for her. Whoa beyonce's daughter isn't even that cute. My advice: ride the sis' coattails.

00:16:13: Blonde walking into a black school. Like meat thrown into the lions den.

00:17:00: "You speak IM? OFW!" That was literally written by someone. There have been like 82 abreevs. Save me whiskey.

00:18:05: The metal detector went off in Hayden's pants. Join the club.

00:19:09: Why would she need to go to public school if she was rich? That's so dumb, take a limo an hour away you stupid hoebag.

00:20:15: Some ho just slapped HayHay's Booty. From now on, I will speak ghetto in honor of mental retardation.

00:20:55: That cafeteria food looks good. If poop tastes good. HAHAHA.

00:21:21: Who the fuck cheers in a cafeteria? I would throw hot dogs ate them and yell "You suck suck those!"

00:22:02: Black people are pleased so easily. Must be why Tyler Perry's rich.

00:22:53: Not even the white chicks like Hayden. At least you can act!

00:23:55: hayden ran into a locker. Her rack looks better when she's lying down.

00:24:36: I bet these two will kiss in the next hour. Now excuse me while I kisssss da skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

00:25:11: Holy S, yo! Dose Cheerleedas be rockin' mad flips and handostandos! And that guy is clearrly nawt Hispaniccc!

00:26:03: (Convienent announcement for cheerleading tryouts)

00:26:34: "Queerleaders!" Haha new name for male cheerleaders in my memory bank forevah evah.

00:27:19: The production value on this movie is surprisingly low.

00:28:22: Beyonce's sis is a total bitch. I'm telling Beyonce on you. (Dreams of doing so.....)

00:29:09: Girl's are so much more manupulative than guys. Like, twirling their hair means FUCK YOU HOBITCH. Whoa!

00:30:00: Cheer off! I haven't been this aroused since 4:59!

00:30:34: One time, One day, I want to be known as "Vanilla Latte." IGTS. What does that mean, mis hoes de sorority?

00:32:44: Where does one go about getting one of those pink star crusted heart jackets? Also, Rihanna radio mention. I bet you a penny worth of Kristal that she plays at the final competition.

00:33:55: Pout Pout Pout I want to cheer. Oops I feel in a box wah wah wah.

00:34:40: Hayden just grabbed a guy's balls. Now THAT'S a threat I wanna be threatened with! SEX JOKE!

00:35:35: Black can, for all intensive purposes, dance very well. But that doesn't mean we whites cannot "bust a move." Oh the lingo kids use nowadays!

00:35:53: First "awww shit!" It's about time.

00:36:44: Girl just flicked off Hayden and said "That's my spirit finger." I've got spirit fingers. They're gunfingaz.

00:37:40: Flat-chested girl from the old school can't get control of the squad. Push up bras might help.

00:38:22: Holy shit this girl learned to dance at the StripClub University. My favorite of them all.

00:39:05: Asian girl's a blackbelt. Where's the stereotyping?

00:40:20: They're break dance fighting.

00:40:50: They now appear to be crumping. That's not a thing, is it?

00:41:48: Now Hayden is crumping. I'd crump the shit out of her.

00:42:38: Hayden looks like my girlfriend when she's having an epileptic fit.

00:43:31: If crumping will get me noticed by Rihanna, what will ChrisBrowning do?

00:44:40: Beyonce Jr doesn't like crumping. Jay-Z Jr must have her on a leash!

00:45:43: I like her hoopy earings. Ghettofab.

00:46:11: I know nothing about fashion and know that what Hay-Hay's wearing is what gay people would call "a disaster worse than Chernobyl."

00:47:49: Why doesn't wanna have sex with the dumb jock? Isn't that all girls misguided and what will eventualy be a dissappointment's dream?

00:48:48: Is there a real "Cheer TV" and how can I order it on Comcast?

00:49:40: The school has a drumline. Where's Nick Cannon? He's hialrrrrious.

00:50:30: Flat chest vs. HayHay's Boobs! Together they might make a regular breast size.

00:51:50: Rihanna mentions: 19. Strangely, I feel like listening to "Disturbia."

00:52:33: Girls are gonna crump all the way to nationals. You go, respectful word for ladies.

00:53:22: Nothing like a cheer montage to "Hollaback Girl." I think 96% of their budget was for the music and Rihanna.

00:54:36: Maroon is such an ugly color. When will people learn.

00:55;11: I go to the beach in november too. Except I go ice skating.

00:55:33: That's hilar, West Coast Guido.

00:56:30: Kiss. How cute, except HayHay looks like she ain't feeling it. Maybe she's got his hair gel in her eye.

00:57:30: Now she looks like a pinata. WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY SPELLING OUT IM ABBREVIATIONS IN NORMAL CONVERSATION EVERY OTHER WORD AHHHH

00:58:12: Apparently, your dog dying is a bad excuse to miss a cheer meet. If you say it like a bumbling idiot.

00:59:00: Me thinks that's not the last time our beloved Hayden has put a twizzler in her mouth.

00:59:38: The dumb jock is doing a good job at playing the dumb jock. Me thinks that's no coincidence.

01:00:31: I'll beat the "dude" out of you. That's pretty clever.

01:01:11: Guido vs. Dumbass for HayHay. The pretty girls sure know how to choose them.

01:02:02: A room key as a prom present. How romantic. I got some hand lotion for prom.

01:03:21: A Rihanna mention and a fat joke in the same sentence and HAYDEN AINT HAPPY! BITCHES BE STEPPING ON HER SHIT!

01:04:10: The following words were said in near succession: "Crouching Tiger, Wigger, Buttpirate" Somewhere, a 14-year old writer is counting the money from this movie.

01:05:31: My brain hurts.

01:06:20: Hayden just straight up worked it with her booty. All ghetto style. (Looks for hand lotion I got for prom)

01:07:03: Flat Chest wins Prom Queen. Her uncircumsised dad and fat mom must be so proud.

01:08:11: Dumb jock gets broken up with. Looks like the guido's gonna win out. First time since The Situation fought Snooki.

01:09:35: Don't diss a black person. ALso, Hayden learned valuable lesson that you should conform. How sweet.

01:10:14: RahRahBarbie and her WuTangClan. So much racial tension, I feel like I'm watching West Side Story, Retard Edition.

01:11:11: She's back on the squad. Did I even mention that she was off it? Eh who cares. Deal with it.

01:12:39: Cheerleaders sure are flexible. I know because I slept with so many in high school.

01:13:26: Gotta tell HayHay how you feel! Be a Guido not a Guidon't!

01:14:33: Rihanna makes an apperance. Wonder how much effort she puts in to this. Answer: Not Much.

01:15:30: HayHay's team is cheering and it looks like all she did was take some Beginner's Ballet Lessons to learn the part. Bravo.

01:16:21: I'm no cheer judge, but this is just dancing.....If I can tell the difference.....

01:17:09: But since Rihanna's judging....the ghettoer the better I suppose. BTW how is that fat black chick getting thrown? Be like me throwing a Toyota.

01:18:32: Hayden's rivals are doing much better. And by that I mean...they are dressed way sluttier.

01:19:24: They're still cheering and the slutty comment was really all I had.

01:20:22: One of the rival hoes just passed out from lack of eating. Reminds me of that time I got stoned and forgot I was eating until I passed out mid chew.

01:21:45: These people are treating a big ass like it's some sort of hinderance. Rihanna's judging...shake that thing girl.

01:22:25: Guido and HayHay are making up. Classic.

01:23:21: The winners are in! And Rihanna's back from her part-time job of being Chris Brown's sparrer.

01:24:11: We have the twist ending! IT's between the two rival schools!

01:24:41: Cheer-Off in front of Rihanna. Reminds me of that tike I ____'d off in front of Rihanna.

01:25:46: Rivals (SluttyDancers) go first and they are dancing as slutty as ever, with a few moans thrown in. Christmas in December. Wait. That line doesn't work.

01:26:43: They're gonna improv like they do on the streets! Or Curb Your Enthusiasm. Probably the streets though.

01:27:29: Question: how are they all in sync if they are improv'n. That makes little sense. Then again...I am watching Bring it On 3 while drinking.

01:28:49: Also, they are dressed in camo. It's not hot. At least they blend in. Don't black people already look enough alike? Haha, I kid I kid.

01:29:31: Rihanna loves it. She's in the minority. But she's used to that so it's ok.

01:30:09: Rihanna also loves making the rules. Time the titles been said: 6.

01:31:16: HayHay's team wins. Proceed to feel shock and awe. And sunshine.

01:32:20: Is over. Commence real celebration.

Goodnight!

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On Again

The segment you (hopefully) know and love is back in action. Yes, that's right, the Real-Time Reviews of the ENTIRE Bring it On series. And tonight, we join Bring It On Again for some good ole torture on Michael's psyche, not to mention liver. But it's only 90 minutes. It's like how long it takes a girl to do her hair or something. So idk, read it while your girlfriend (or boyfriend, if he's a guido) gets ready.

00:00:00: I was led to believe that Hayden Peniteitjeitrre, the hot blonde chick from Heroes, was in this, but that's not until the next Bring it On. She must have a dynamite agent. Anyway, today I'm drinking Vodka/Red Bull, if for no other reason than to keep me awake. Also, I'll be drinking it through a straw to prove that doesn't get you drunk faster. Stay tuned. Or don't, I wouldn't.

00:00:45: Cheerleader tryouts in the dark. Now we're talking.

00:01:44: Blonde chick wakes up from her dream to arrive at college. SHE'S NERVOUS! HOPE SHE HAS HER CAT HANGING FROM A BRANCH POSTER THAT SAYS "HANG IN THERE!"

00:02:30: Hey that's Felicia Day! Ugh none of you know what I'm talking about.

00:03:11: Is cheerleading camp as fun as it sounds? Or am I dreaming again?

00:04:02: I'm not sure what's happening. It's that good.

00:04:44: The dude with pedo facial hair checking out the Blonde Bimbo main character looks like he's 40. It's never too late to get that degree, people.

00:06:09: Cheer sequence. The actoring cheerleaders are so good, I can't even understand what they're saying.

00:07:28: Speaking of perfect, have you ever checked out your own ass? Shakeaspeare is so jealous.

00:08:44: I mean, if a boy smiles at you, he likes you. Or, since he hasn't met you yet, he looks how you look. See how bad this movie is? It's hard to even be funny. I need to drink faster.

00:09:44: Hey look, cheerleading tryouts just got turned into "You Got Served 2."

00:10:54: Asian girl just puked at tryouts. Should've gone with the Sweet & Sour Chicken.

00:11:30: Girl needs to take off her bellybutton ring to do tryouts. i almost got a bellybutton ring in Greece, true story.

00:12:52: What's pink ink? I don't care.

00:14:28: What fucking Alumni cares about cheerleading championships and why would that make them donate? What a stupid college. Must be the ISU of California.

00:15:32: You can tell you the bitches are in this movie by whose wearing pearls. Pearls are hot. I like pearls. Girls who wear pearls are pretty. OK, I'm basically saying "Jillie, do you have any pearls?" at this point.

00:16:53: They literally just told the noobs to be the "bomb diggity." File that Under "How to Go Straight to DVD"

00:17:34: Pedo-Beard is back. Isn't that 18-year old freshmen a little bit old for you buddy?

00:17:51: His real name's Derek. I prefer Pedo-Beard.

00:18:25: Do you want to do something illegal? is always a good pickup line. On Blonde Bimbo, who asks after they jumped a fence "Are we allowed to be in here?" What a dumbass.

00:19:50; Pedo-Beard looks like a 80's porn star. Who casted this dude? Shave, you douchebag.

00:20:39: Are we gonna get some pool sex 20 minutes in? G-damn, I take it all back Bring it On 2.

00:21:59: Dialogue fail so bad I'm not even going to justify writing about it.

00:23:19: Not trying to be vain, but they could've casted hotter cheerleaders. Just saying.

00:23:59: Why's head cheerleader talking about a "Popov"? Isn't it a little early for vodka? Oh, she said pop-off.

00:25:15: Head cheerleader has a bigger office than the dean of my college has. I remember this one time I left a bag of dog poo in front of her door and lit on her fire and rang the doorbell. No I didn't, I'm a pussy.

00:26:24: Tina is a pretty bitchy name. Reminds me of that chick from the Love Boat. Shit, even I don't get that reference.

00:27:15: OK, this head cheerleader is bragging alot for a chick with a shitload of makeup and a pasty ass big ear face.

00:28:24: Blonde Bimbo just said "Britney's Back." If my girlfriend had twitter, she'd totally Re-Tweet that shit.

00:29:20: I didn't think you could say Bomb-Diggity three times in once sentence, but again, retarded people have proved me wrong.

00:29:52: MORGAN FROM CHUCK! Only Jeremy Kase will understand this.

00:30:14: Morgan is a DEADLY STINGER BITCH! Line of the movie, nothing will beat it. Now he's beat boxing. I love it. So worth being the first person to Netflix this movie.

00:31:44: All the mean people are laughing at Morgan and I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it.

00:32:29: I wish I was watching this with a real cheerleading judge so I actually knew how bad these cheers were. "Like a bunch of 8th graders out there, really. Watkins, get me some more tea." Maybe one day.

00:33:39: Nobody says shizzle.

00:33:44: "OMG that was TDF, FYI" I had to put on subtitles just to get that. What does TDF mean? (urbandictionaries) Oh to die for. Whatev, LMO. That means let's move on, bitch.

00:35:28: Football players are so one-note. OH I CAN BENCH 220! OH WHAT BRO? OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH O HO H O HO HO H OH O HO H OHOH O HO H OH

00:36:49: I'd celebrate all over you too, black chick that looks like Will Smith's wife.

00:37:40: I would say soccer guys get more ass than football guys. Soccer guys aren't like HUGE, they are like the perfect size to catch all women's attractiveness. Whoa. This needs to end now.

00:38:50: Blonde Bimbo breaks up with Pedo-Beard to keep her spot on the CheerioBitchios. Shut Up, I know that sucked, I'm drunk.

00:39:50: I like pearls.

00:40:19: This is like a cheer off. I'm trying to decide if this is more or less retarded than the walk off in Zoolander.

00:41:39: Who names their kid Whittier? Is that even a name, or is that a pun? OH THEY'RE ALL QUITTING! There was just underboob by the way. Small victories, people.

00:42:58: Head Bitch is all depressed because the Blonde Bimbo quit. And is now eating a Chili dog. Nothing says "I'm Hot" like eating a high fat, gassy hot dog.

00:44:00: I ruined my entire life! Jesus, girls are so overdramatic. There are worse things than not cheerleading and having no boyfriend. Go to a party and you can find one, girl.

00:45:20: WHOA! The Blonde Bimbo is going rogue and cheering by herself at a baseball game! AND IT"S WORKING OMG

00:46:05: And it's willing the always exciting sport of girls softball to victory! Who cares!

00:46:50: It's as dumb as I thought, they're starting they're own squad. It's like Little Giants for stupid people.

00:47:38: BEcause, really, waht is a sign without glitter? NOTHING I SAY!! I got glitter for a Chanukah present. To make one, not like someone gave me it. Shut up Mike.

00:49:22: Does cheerleading really keep you psychially fit? I mean, it's not a sport. Neither is show choir. WHOA! Kidddddddddding.

00:50:44: They are telling a bunch of losers they could make nationals. They've never cheered before. That makes sense. Even to me.

00:51:30: Someone just said "ridic" and I'm really happy about that abreev.

00:52:44: Ahh, using the 80's theory of "you can learn anything in a montage, no matter how difficult," I see.

00:53:55: I literally am going to explode from bafflement. Is that a thing? I'm about to make it one.

00:54:49: Pedo-Beard guy makes his unriumphant return to the Oscar Worthy Film.

00:56:00: Pedo-Beard guy is being more dramatic than the cheerleaders. What a pussy. Get over it, it's not like you lost Jessica Alba or Jillie Mayer. (win)

00:57:18: Back-Ups are cheering for the croquet team. Hey, the croquet team should take it. When the hell are girls gonna cheer for them ever again?

00:58:29: Pedo-Beard shows up with thumping beats to will on the BackUp cheerblondes. And of course, that wills the croquet team to victory. That actually was pretty amusing. Sue me for enjoying it.

00:59:20: Switching to beer from redbull/vodka because, hey, a heart attack at 23 would be both potentially deadly and kind of embarassing to be honest. Like, come on Korey Stringer! (Tasteless joke, but laugh anyway)

01:00:49: Someone just told Pedo-Beard to shave and hey, it's about damn time in my case.

01:01:02: Make like a Tom and Cruise. Total win for the real cheerleaders. Puns are so funny.

01:01:40: What the fuck is an impasse?

01:02:49: The Dean is wearing a golf shirt that looks like Tiger Woods would use to clean his balls. Golf balls. Get your mind out of the gutter.

01:03:55: IT"S A CHEER OFF EVERYONE GET PUMPED LIKE A GUIDO AT THE JERSEY SHORE ON LABOR DAY!

01:04:40: Don't be all up in my kool-aid. Even Main Bitch doesn't know what it means and she majors in bitch-lingo.

01:05:30: Would you go to a inner-school cheer matchup? I mean, girls barely dressed but also....girls thinking they're doing something that matter that doesn't. (clarification: not that girls do nothing that matters. just that cheerleading doesn't. even show choir is more of a sport.)

01:06:50: I really like how the backups are cheering for the croquet team and the fencing team. That's just mainstream comedy at it's best right there people.

01:07:52: Some guy is named Francis. Poser. I'm the only Francis IN THESE HERE PARTS!

01:08:11: Francis is talking about violating himself. Also, I'm the only Francis allowed to do such things.

GUN

FING

AZ

01:09:28: Will Smith's Wannabe Daughter and some Poser Bitch fight, but Francis gets hit in the face. Ugh. Story of people named Francis' life.

01:10:29: I did Phantom of the Opera too in my dorm room once. I was gonna turn that into a sex reference but I didn't get laid at school til like junior year. I suck.

01:11:11: It's gonna be hard without Francis. Mmmhmm, that's what she said. Wait. Damnit.

01:12:04: Morgan's back and SHIT is he beatboxing like a mofo.

01:13:09: First team goes first. Stand by for my sarcastic review of their..........rock hard abs.......................what? Go away I'm working.

01:14:19: THEY ALL LOVE MORGAN!!! Maybe you bitches should watch Chuck then so it doesn't get cancelled. Assclowns.

01:15:49: Main squad's doing ok. What the fuck do I know, I only watch cheerleading when I'm alone........I'll stop there.

01:16:55: Classic middle finger from the backup squad. Bet that'll be on a bunch of "Best Cheerleader Movie Moments of the Decade" lists.

01:17:50: Back up squad are dressed as monks. Losers. When I call you a loser, you must be.

01:18:00: Wait I like cheergasms let me see.

01:18:44: I guess they're good. I was expecting sexier after the word "cheergasm"

01:19:39: What's the point anymore. Just end already.

01:20:35: Finally, it's over. Now for the judging, gee I wonder who'll win?!?!?!??!

01:21:00: Just saw Francis in the crowd. He's my boy.

01:21:39: FRANCIS FTW WITH A DEAN BURN

01:22:04: Back-Up squad wins. Glitter pours down from the ceiling. Reminds me of that stipper named giltter I paid to......you know what....what occurs in Amsterdam, stays in Amsterdam.

01:23:33: The backups are now the school's main cheerleading squad. Reminds me when I was on the backup squad of the Sex Club. Eh who am I kidding. I was better off in the Celibacy-Not-By-Choice Club.

01:24:40: Some shitty girl band is covering "Hit Me WIth Your Best Shot" over the credits so they don't have to pay for the original song. Kind of brilliant really. If you're stupid. BOOM. Roasted. Also, if you said Boom, Roasted to someone at Starbucks would it also be a pun? Food for thought.

01:25:52: Francis just slapped his ass. That is not the Francis way. We slap the other person's ass. Just ask...you know what, brakes Mike. Slam on them.

01:26:44: Oh and it fades to black just like my sanity.

That's all. See you all in my early grave.

HAPPY WEEKEND AND CHRISMUKAH SEASON!

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On

Now that I'm done with all the Michael Bay movies, I must find something else to Real Time Review. And guess what? I thought long and hard about what series of movies to do next. The movies had to be both in a series of similar movies and mind-blowingly retarded. I thought of all those American Pie movies--but I actually like the first three and I think making fun of comedies isn't as funny as say making fun of horrible directors. But after searching long and hard (for about 10 minutes), I found my golden insult baby. What movies, you might ask, are so horrible, that they might even be WORSE than the Michael Bay ones? Well, you're answer my friends is the Bring It On series. Yes, the cheerleading ones. Did you know there are FIVE of them?! I couldn't believe it myself. And since I hate myself, I'm going to get drunk...and real time review them. I call this series the Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review. Clever, I know.

00:00:00: What to drink, What to drink? Well, since I need a little spirit (if you think that's the last cheerleading pun, think again), I think I'll go with a good old friend...I forgot what I named it but it's my Seagram's 7 Whiskey, Tequila, 7 Up, and Champagne mix. POP IT AND LOCK IT BABY!

00:00:39: I immediately regret this decision.

00:01:45: To kill time, I'm going to stir up argument: cheerleading is not a sport. Discuss.

00:02:10: If there was nudity, I would have just saw Kirsten Dunst naked. Thank you, PG-13.

00:03:33: Skeez ball boyfriend should check in to the "Horseshit School of Acting."

00:04:22: Do male cheerleaders really get this much ass? Let me rephrase that...female ass.

00:05:40: Ten bucks says the Asian and the Blonde at least kissed on set.

00:06:04: Winning cheerleading captain is kind of like winning....I don't know, something stupid.

00:06:55: Sometimes I wish I had a gay friend. He could help me with fashion and girl problems and shopping.

00:07:59: The snotty brother thinks he's funny but I hate it.

00:08:22: Kirsten Dunst admits she's not a genius. Nomination for Least Shocking Thing Ever Heard.

00:09:20: Jocks doing the loser sneeze. Classic.

00:09:45: Cute new guy tries to school jocks about the loser sneeze being out of style. Jocks pwn him and do it again. Double classic.

00:10:30: Who names their kid Cliff? Unless you're a red dog, I think THAT'S what out of style, *sneezelosersneeze*

00:11:09: "Malignant this, tool." while holding their junk. Jocks are hilar.

00:12:05: Special Olympics joke! And it works! (Unlike their legs! BWAHAHAHHA)

00:12:55: Are cheerleading tryouts really this ugly and boring? Where are all the hot chicks with daddy issues?

00:13:40: Rapping cheerleader. So cliche.

00:13:59: I auditioned for Pippin once. They told me my voice was too alto-tastic.

00:14:39: This Asian 14 year old looks/sound like she's 3. And she's still taller than my girlfriend. Haha. Whoa, that one's gonna land me in el case de perros.

00:15:33: Hey, didn't you use to be Eliza Dushku?

00:16:30: Girl can flip and shit.

00:17:08: What the fuck is a cheerocracy? Is that some Canadian political term?

00:18:38: Cliff thinks Kirsten is interesting. So go start a Facebook group about it and be the only member, buddy.

00:19:41: Ugh. Back in my day, cheerleadering chants had creativity. I could choreograph that, for Jesus' sake!

00:20:43: CAT FIGHTTTTTTT! No never mind. They going for a ride instead. Why don't girls fight with their hands instead of their heads? Bitches.

00:21:39: Black cheer squad is significantly better than white one. Color me not surprised. They practice that shit in the club like 3 times a week. MAKE IT RAIN GIRL!

00:22:33: Kirsten about to get her ass whooped by black squad.

00:23:39: Gangsta girl is begging for a fight. Urbanites total schooled the suburbanites on life lessons!

00:24:40: I'm cursed too Kirsten. Except my curse....is watching you try to act.

00:25:40: YOU DROPPED THE SPIRIT STICK OMG ROFLZZZZZZZZ

00:26:09: Apparently if you drop a spirit stick, you go to hell. I mean the logic is just undeniable.

00:27:00: Is Kirsten wearing a bra as a shirt? I mean, it's California, but c'mon now. Nobody wants to see that.

00:27:55: Everyone's in favor winning....and bad fashion! BOO YA!

00:28:40: A big gay cheerleader who won't return your phone calls is just not worth your sweet time, K-Girl!

00:29:22: Eliza dancing in a cheerleading uniform...that would be my complete fantasy, except it's not my girlfriend. I'm soo good at that filtering stuff, ain't I?

00:30:40: Cliche dumb jocks enter, and the cheerleaders get cheered on by the crowd. I think I just entered San Fransisco School of People that Aren't Heterosexual.

00:31:40: Reading at a football game means your brooding and interesting. Mark it down.

00:32:19: Bench clearing brawl and some girl redoes her underwear. Smooth transition if there ever was one.

00:32:44: That's what they call a cheerleading fail, other team. Who cares, you're rocking them in football. And nobody reads about cheerleading in the paper, so you win, hooray!

00:34:03: Totally having cheer sex. Totally. There's all this lingo that I never learned in high school. I missed out, apparently.

00:35:00: Black cheer squad totally owns the white one. I mean...honestly, who's gonna have better careers in the end? Just saying...

00:35:50: When a football player gets insulted by a cheerleader, I don't laugh. Jocks are so cool, I love them, always have.

00:35;51: Also, Jocks are easier to insult.

00:36:50: Speaking of insult, the brooder is totally rocking out while Kirsten is peeping. Define peeping however you want.

00:37:44: TOOTHRBUSH WARRRRRR!!! MALE VS FEMALE IN A BATTLE TO THE DEATH! WHO'S GONNA WIN?!?!

00:38:29: One thing we've learned from toothbrush war 2000: Kirsten Dunst spits. Spitters are Quitters, ladies.

00:39:03: We pause so Mike can refill his lovely drink of death.

00:39:59: Gotta love hiring crazy chorepgrahers.

00:40:55: Cheerleader car wash. I believe some girls could make a career out of this if they wanted too.

00:41:56: Cleavage alert!

00:42:35: THe brooder drives hard. I hate brooders. Go be emo with Edward and Bella, you dirty scumboy.

00:43:30: This crazy choregrapher musta won a few Oscars that I've never heard about, WHOA!

00:44:29: Just goin and insulting everyone isn't the way to get things done, choreoboy.

00:45:44: He's taking crazzzzzzzzzAYYYYYYY pills!

00:46:20: Are spirit fingers just cheerleading talk for "guys who use their hands well down there on girlssss"?

00:47:39: Guys who act dark and mysterious apparently get girls. I must have missed the "you have to be lame to pick up women" memo.

00:48:55: Cheerleaders are out of control. I think they are cute though.

00:50:22: How does one judge a cheerleading competition? By attractiveness!

00:51:22: Black squad does good. WHITE PEOPLE LOVE WATCHING BLACK PEOPLE DANCE!

00:52:38: Girls before Kirsten copy their routine. Aww shucks, now we won't make it regional semi-LOLZOMGZROFLCOPTERZZZZZZfinals

00:53:55: This is just embarassing. They are doing the same thing as the last team. Reminds me of the time I copied how to have sex for the first time from the porn I watched. Not appropriate?

00:54:55: Why do black people hate white people so much? What did we ever do to them?

00:55:33: I mean it was a copy...but I still enjoyed myself. Assholes could've clapped at least.

00:56:38: I have spirit fingers too. Middle and Index. They could put spirit into any lady.

00:58:09: Girls crying. You know the drill.

00:59:40: Guy tries to French Kiss Kirsten. I call that "Cutting the Challah." Only Jewish people understand.

01:00:59: Kirsten dances like an idiot. And that's just when she's cheering.

01:01:50: The brooders song is actually pretty good. But I like teenage pop-rock music. FTW!

01:03:38: Kirsten's inspirational speech reminds me of a young Audrey Hepburn. With a weird face and on heroin.

01:04:39: Practice montage of crazy different dances that matters like WHOA!

01:05:30: Kirsten catches the gay boyfriend cheating...with a girl?!??! NOW we're getting somewhere!

01:06:39: Inner-city squad can't afford to go? What's next, a Mexican family having more kids than they can afford and overpopulating?!

01:08:20: Black girl rips up a check. That's a first. BITCHES BE CRAZY!

01:08:50: Blach cheer girl never worries. I seriously doubt that honey, you live in an impoverished hood.

01:10:15: Brooder is retardeddd to the bone. Be Aggressive! B-E-AGRESSIVE!

01:11:08: Fat Oprah wannabe gives the black sqaud money to go to some cheer competition. If I had a nickel for everytime that happened!

01:12:30: FLORIDA HAS BEEN INVADED BY CHEERLEADERS! BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RUN FOR OYUR LIFE!

01:13:45: Advice from one cheer captain to another: if you don't wear underwear, you will be a big hit on YouTube.

01:14:10: Doesn't everyone love when the characters repeat the title of the movie over and over and over and over and over and over and over again?

01:16:09: Cheerleader slumber...can you say....RAH RAH RAH

01:17:13: Spanky pants, FTW!

01:18:10: Girl just projectiled in a coaches face. That's why I quit the cheer biz, in the first place to be quite honest.

01:19:59: The black team is owning the white team. It's like the 1800s in reverse!

01:20:51: The brooder is there and thus, will inspire Kirsten to victory. Brooders are so lame, the only thing they inspire is cheeeer.

01:21:49: What an orig routine, like totes OMG, I lol'd @ dat fo sho, all day err day, sistah!

01:22:33: Using the brooders song in the final routine, ugh waht a fail.

01:24:33: The blacks won. It's only been a few thousand years.

01:25:00: Is East Compton better than just Compton? Who cares, this movies almost over and I LOVE these 90 minutes runtimes.

01:26:09: Kirsten let the spirit stick drop again! Welcome to the SECOND CIRCLE OF HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL

01:26:59: Sometimes when you get the girl/guy, second place feels like first. I figured that out on my many travels to StrikeOutVille.

01:27:33: I am just not blogging on this "Hey Mickey" montage. Just no no no no no no.

That'll do it for my first in our brand new series. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go out now and start drinking again. Because I apparently have no regard for human life when it's my own. GOODNIGHTY NIGHT!