A Bon Voyage to LOST

Like all great things, LOST must end. And end it has. Whether you loathed loved the finale, at least the ride there was something to cherish. So let me take you back and recap a few "Top 5..." lists regarding my favorite show, which I will miss like a friend. Here are The Top 5 Episodes, Characters, and Unanswered Questions from LOST. This will contain major SPOILERS.

Top 5 Episodes

5. Live Together, Die Alone (Season 2, Episode 23)
The season two finale, where we're introduced to Desmond's backstory, has probably some of the best action sequences, answers, and aura of mystery that the show has ever put on display. Locke's quest to not press the button with Desmond, and Jack's and the gang being led into The Others' trap were both stories that magnified the hopelessness of all these characters and their situation.
Best Moment: Desmond shining the light up the hatch onto a broken John Locke, giving both characters the hope they need to continue.

4. Ab Aeterno (Season 6, Episode 8)
Isn't it funny that the supporting cast's love stories were much more interesting and beautiful than the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle/puke-fest? Finally, Richard's background is explored, as we are given insight into the ageless wonder's life. It turns out he's only stuck on the island because he was trying to save his wife. It's heartbreaking, but also hopeful when Hurley finally helps Richard let go of his wife.
Best Moment: Hurley speaking for Richard's dead wife to Richard, as he is finally able to let go and accept his fate.

3. Deus Ex Machina (Season 1, Episode 19)
Season one's best arc had to be that of John Locke's mission to understand his purpose on the island. As he and Boone try and open the hatch, we get some ultra-creepy visions of Boone, which brings back some nostalgia for me, as his death was untimely. It really opened up the door and promised that no character was ever really safe from death. And it only intensified the Jack vs. Locke rivalry.
Best Moment: "Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs."

2. Through the Looking Glass (Season 3, Episode 22)
Much of Season 3 was a tad below par, for me at least, but the ending of it was nothing short of excellent. With Charlie trying to complete his kamikaize mission and everyone else's vendetta against the other's coming to a head, there were many great moments in the episode. But it may have been the most hopeful we ever get to see our favorite castaways.
Best Moment: Charlie's death and his character going full-circle, from broken drug-addict to hero.

1. The Constant (Season 4, Episode 5)
Without a doubt, The Constant is the best episode of television that I could ever ask for. Without actually having too much to do with the story, The Constant does what Lost does best: create amazingly heartfelt, deep character moments. This episode is full of them, as Desmond's conciousness jumps back and forth through time and space, when all he needed was to talk to Penny to save his life. Love conquers all, indeed.
Best Moment: The entire Desmond-Penny phone call near the end.


Best Characters

5. Daniel Farraday
The bumbling psyicist often provided for great drama whenever on screen. Crazy hair, speech, and scientific mumbo-jumbo there was something inherently charming about him and his love for the fiery redhead Charlotte. He obviously had fun explaining time-travel, even if nobody had any idea what he was talking about.

4. Benjamin Linus
The creepiest, most manipulative and cold character that resided on the island, from Henry Gale to Benjamin Linus, there were so many moments that you forced you to like the leader of the mysterious others. His story, tragic, shows that everyone starts good until something bad happens to them. A common thread for many Lost characters, but his echo'd that sentiment the most.

3. James "Sawyer" Ford
Without Sawyer, how much fun would this show have been? A perfect mix of comedic relief, bad-asserery, and pathetic-ness, Sawyer's character was probably the one that grew the most throughout the show. His love for Juliet was heartwarming, and the nicknames were often times the highlight of underwhelming episodes. Sawyer is consensus fan favorite and rightfully so.

2. John Locke
Locke was the best character throughout Lost's best seasons, one and two, and brought the aura of mystery better than any other character. The way Terry O'Quinn was able to play Locke's character as a sad old man, bad ass hunter-gatherer, and even smoke monster was nothing short of remarkable. Even though his character had a sad end, he was one of the most memorable character to grace the small screen.

1. Desmond Hume
Did any other character feel more real than Desmond? The drunken Scotsman went through time for love and raced around the world for his one and only Penny. His heart-brokenness for his lost love echoes "the one that got away" better than almost any love story ever seen on TV. What will always be remembered about Desmond, besides his catchphrases, is his humanity in a extremely strange universe.

Top 5 Unanswered Questions

5. How were Ben and Widmore able to return to the Island, when they said they wouldn't be able to return?

4. What was the point of Ben/Widmore's war that took up much of Season 5? What were these rules they kept mentioning?

3. What was the point of The Temple characters that were introduced and took up so much time at the beginning of Season 6?

2. Why was Sayid with Shannon in the church in the end, instead of Nadia whom he had been spending his entire life trying to find?

1. What was the point, really, of having Jin and Sun having a baby? Wouldn't their story have been better if that plot device was never introduced?

Drunk Guy Yelling At...A Baseball Game

Ever fantasized about just yelling at someone til their head fell off? Ever imagine doing it to an umpire but lack the athletic ability to even make a play that would be considered slightly debatable? Well, lucky for you I'm starting a new segment. It's called Drunk Guy Yelling At.....Over the passing of time, I will have my Drunk alter ego yell at tons of different authority figures. But let's get to it, this is Drunk Guy Yells At...A Baseball Game.




Guy: Man, it's a fucking GREAT day to be at the ballpark! Get my drink on, hit on some hotties, and fucking watch some grown hit balls around like my girl Janelle on the nights she lets me get weird. Man, Wrigley's so great, sun is shining, honey's beaming. Oh yeah, it's gonna be a great fucking day!

(7 Beers Later...)

Guy: Ah, whatever, your tits are too small anyway. I should get back to watching the game, what inning is it? Shit, i think I just spilled beer on that kid.



Guy: I PAID $7 FOR THAT BEER, YOU LITTLE BITCH! IF YOU WERE LEGAL TO RAPE, I'D POLITELY CONSIDER IT! Hey, you got a cigarette? THEN FUCK YOU, I'LL SMOKE WHERE I WANT. I HOPE YOUR TEETHING IS VERY PAINFUL!

Guy: God, I need to get it together. Where am I again? Oh right...the fluckin' Cubs game. What's the score?



Guy: The Cubs are losing?! The Cubs never lose, it must be the Umps fault. HEY UMP! YOUR MOM COULD MAKE THAT CALL BETTER ON A PAYPHONE! Ha I'm hilarious. I'm hungry, I should eat something. HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY!....

(7 minutes later)

Guy: HOT DOG GUY!

Hot Dog Guy: What can I get you?

Guy: Can I get some pizza?

Hot Dog Guy: I'm the hot dog vendor.

Guy: I SAID PIZZA ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE! FUCK YOU!

(pukes on kid in front of him)

Guy: WHY'D YOU GET IN THE WAY OF MY PROJECTILE YOU LITTLE WHORE?! THAT WAS AN EPIC PUKE AND YOUR TESTICLE HEAD GOT IN THE WAY!

PA Announcer: Now batting for the Cubs, Starlin Castro.

Guy: WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?! HEY CASTRO, YOU LOOK LIKE MY MOM ADOPTED YOUR DAD AND HAD SEX WITH HIM WHILE EATING LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD! (nudges guy next to him) AM I RIGHT? HUH? YEAH I'M FUCKING RIGHT, OF COURSE I'M RIGHT! THEY SHOULD BRING BACK FUCKIN' RYNE SANTOBERG! MAN, I"VE GOT TO PEE WORSE THAN THAT KID WITH THE FUCKIN' PUKE ON HER. HEY KID! CLEAN YOURSELF OFF YOU LITTLE BASTARD!

(kid cries)

Guy: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shit, the crowd's cheering. WHOOOOO GO CUBS! HEY, GUY NEXT TO ME, REMEMBER WHEN THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES A FEW YEARS AGO?

Other Guy: That was the White Sox.

Guy: Then why was I so excited then? Ahh, whatever. Oh shit, security's coming. TIME TO FUCKING BOOK!



Guy: WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT, UMP? NEVER SEEN A MAN THONG? I GOT IT ON SALE FOR $4.99 AT KOHLS DOUCHEHOLE! WHOOOO!!

(Is tackled by large security guard, ruptures spleen while air guitaring to "Turn My Swag On" while standing on the pitcher's mound)

Guy: Ow! TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, JOSE LIMA, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is one of those holidays. But they certainly deserve it...more so than their kids, usually. But kind of mom do you have? Is she a crazy alcoholic? A tame homebody? Either way, you love your mom. How do you know which booze to buy your mom for Mother's Day? Well, I've put together a handy little guide that should steer you towards a successful Mother's Day gift. Mother's Day Shopping at the Liquor Store.


Beer
Class.
If Your Mom Is... She's an old school lady. Oh, she enjoys to let the good times roll, alright. She has beer mugs, not wine glasses. Amaretto? What the hell is that?, she'll say. She'll be watching the game with her boys, just one of the guys in actuality. Good marrying material? Eh, probably not. But that doesn't mean she's not good in the sack ALL NIGHT LONG. For other guys I mean. Not for her kids, that'd be gross.


Wine
What Every Mom Should Strive to Be
If Your Mom Is... A classy woman, indeed. She just wants to pop open a bottle of red and turn on Celebrity Apprentice. Maybe she doesn't go out as much as she used to, but that's ok: those days are behind her. Not only is wine classier, it has more alcohol. And if she has the wine glasses that my mom has, then its more than enough to polish off a bottle (or two) on the right night (Tuesday-Sunday).

Vodka/Gin/Rum
Kanye Raised You, Bitch
If You're Mom Is... Clearly, this woman has lost all inhibition. If your mom is still drinking clear alcohol, then she is likely an alcoholic. Years of child-rearing have worn her out to the point where she just doesn't give a crap anymore. The only reason she still takes her kids to the park is because her flask sets off the metal detector at the library. And nobody reads. Except for this, hopefully. Nothing wrong with a woman who likes her martinis. It's just that she's probably a boozy hooker-like woman.

Tequila/Whiskey/Something Stronger
You Should Probably Make Up For Being On the Cover, Anyway....
If Your Mom Is... Borderline insane. What MOM drinks tequila or whiskey? That's a man's drink, honey. Here's the kind of woman that you meet and she sips whiskey, seems awesome, and is great in the sack. You know how those women end up? Crazy. They know your e-mail password, take every word you say out of context, and blow up if you pet her dog the wrong way. If she wants whiskey, you should buy her Xanax instead and crush it up into her oatmeal.

Weed
Perfection
If Your Mom Is... Cool. Your mom is super cool. Buy her a gram and turn on her old Janis Joplin records or whatever hippies listened to, light up a J and turn on Spongebob. Happy Mother's Day? Oh yeah, that's a Happy Anyone's Day.

Yes, I've Been Caught Masturbating Before But It's Not As Embarrassing As You Think And Other Strange Admissions: The May Maylbag

Hey oh Hey oh, welcome back to the segment that most of know, love, cherish, and sometimes touch yourself to, the Mailbag! This month is a special mailbag, The Maylbag will consist only of questions regarding sex. Oh yeah. Sex. And alcohol. Be about it. Now, if you'll excuse the introduction, it's time to get down to business. Here's the Sexy May Maylbag. As always, these are real questions from fake readers. Onward!

Q: If you could be one body part during sex, what would you be?
--D. Bryant's Mom, Dallas, TX.
A: Hmmm. I think I would be one of the kneecaps. Think about it: you get to see everything that's going on. Although I do have bad knees so it might hurt to be a knee. Ugh. Maybe I'd be a boob. That's pretty much been my dream anyway.

Q: What would be better place to have sex: firing range or hood of a Lamburghini?
--Z. Braff, Oakland, CA.
A: In the moment, it has to be the firing range. There is just something that turns people on being in a firing range, let me tell you. They get that rush of adreneline from shooting the gun. Shooting that paper guy wettens the pussy. Trust me. (Ed.'s Note: Trusting Michael is misguided and dangerous. Do not trust him.)

Q; Is there any way to turn sex into a drinking game? HELP!
--B. Levinson, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Well that is just a brilliant idea, isn't it? Let's set it up like this: it'd have to be shots, because, unless you're Sting, sex probably won't last much longer than a half-hour, if that. Take a shot every time you switch positions. Take a shot every time the girl orgasms. Take a shot every time something unusual in introduced (this is entirely up to you, as to what is unusual. I'm not a judger, I'm a smudger. Uhhhh...) And finally, take two shots for every time someone else's name is screamed during sex. That's always the funnest thing. You'll need the booze if that happens.

Q: When is it OK to go from ass-to-mouth? I only ask because people poop out of their butts and I just watched "The Human Centipede."
--Koko the Monkey, San Diego, CA.
A: I certainly didn't need to know anything about your poop but thanks. I say there's nothing wrong with almost any sexual act as long as it's consensual and I don't have to watch fat people do it. But that's just me.

Q: Recently, I saw Jay Cutler out a bar in the city when I was with my girlfriend. That being said, who would be the worst athlete that you a significant could ever cheat on you with?
--B. Rapelsberger, Pittsburgh, PA.
A: I suppose if you have to be cheated on, it's at least a good story for your girl to do it with a professional athlete. Does Tony La Russa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, count? Cause if it does, then it's him by a million miles. That or Joakim Noah. Really? Noah? Why didn't you just cheat on me with a mustached lesbian?

Q: I was thinking about perhaps the Cubs one day winning the World Series and a thought crossed my head: Would I even want to drink during it? Wouldn't you want to recall every feeling, every emotion as the team has tortured you for so long?
--J Cochran, HeavenOrHell
A: Or you could make one of the best moments in the history of your sports fandom even better by a little beer and whiskey. I think that'd be pretty boring not to. If the Cubs won the World Series, the entire city might literally stop working for a week just to get hammered and drink away the 3 billion years it took to actually win it. God I hate the Cubs. But I love them. Fuck them though.

Q: I just had dinner at your mom's house. Let's just say she cooked some good sausage.
--T. Woods, Helena, MT.
A: My mom has a dick? Sounds like the jokes on you, buddy!

Q: What would you least want to be walked in on: masturbating, giving oral sex, or drinking alone?
--J. Appleseed, Hartford, CT.
A: Seeing as how this is a blog about drinking, I've already gotten caught drinking alone and in my family thats like drinking water. I think I'd least want to get caught masturbating. At least oral sex, you're not a loser, pleasing someone else and all. Masturbating, you're just sitting there by yourself playing with yourself...you should be ashamed of yourself.

Q: Which branch of military in the world would you most want to drink with?
--B. Mac, Deadville
A: Do I get to do it in that country? If so, then the Brazilian National Guard in Rio. If not, then it'd the South Korean Border Patrol. That must be the most boring job of all time. I'd like to cheer them up a little bit.

Q: What are the Top 5 Worst Things A Guy Could Hear From A Girl Say During Sex?
--K. Cattrall, New York , NY.
A: Yikes. OK.
5. "Is that it?"
4. "Wait...are you sure it's in?"
3. "It's ok, it happens to alot of guys"
2. "That's OK, you can stop."
1. "IMPREGNATE ME!"

Q: How bad does a country have to be to not wanna tell anyone you had sex with a girl from it?
--B. Urlacher, Spokane, WA.
A: I'm not sure, I think I'd say the girl's race no matter where she was from, just for the novelty of it. Like, how many people do you know have had sex with a Mongolian girl? Probably none, that's how many.

Q: My girlfriend recently dumped me. How do I get back in the game after so long and get after it again?
--G. Cooper, Fon Du Lac, WI.
A: As I do with most questions that "come in," I suggest you get hammered and have some meaningless sex.

Q: There is a hot Latino girl in my building. She looks early 20s and she comes home drunk an awful lot. Anyways, I'm a single dad and she keeps waking up my kids on Saturday night. What should I do about this?
--J. Smith, Boston, MA.
A: First of all, if you pass up the chance to sleep with this drunk Latina girl in her 20s I will kill myself. If you really want her to shut up on Saturday night, alot of girls enjoy being gagged or choked. I hate your kids and I hate you. SLEEP WITH THIS WOMAN ALREADY.

Q: What is the least fruity fruit to put in beer or cocktails?
--J. Leno, New York NY.
A: I've never been a supporter of fruit-in-beer but if I had to pick one it would be pineapple. Find someone you hate. Throw a lime at someone and see if it hurts, then throw a pineapple at someone and see if it hurts. I think you will be more satisfied with the pineapple.

Q; My boyfriend is on his iPhone ALL THE TIME. No matter what we're doing, it seems like he's always on another App, checking sports scores, or whatever. EVEN RIGHT AFTER SEX! How do I get him to put down the phone more and pay attention to meeeee?
--J. Mayer, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: Have you tried the iPhone? It's delightful. It's got music, apps, and all the ammenities of a regular phone. Your phone is probably a POS. DON'T JUDGE THE SEXINESS OF THE IPHONE. I suggest you get a Kindle so that you can read in front of him. I suspect he will become so annoyed that he will put down the iPhone and start having more sex with you. That's right folks. The secret to getting ass is buying a Kindle.

Q: So when you're out and drinking alot, you're gonna have alot of beer, which is a bit of a pooper-instigator. What's the protocol on pooping at a girls house if it's your first time hooking up?
--D. Patrick, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Ahh, the hook-up poop. Is there a worse poop? Not only do you have to poop in a girl your about to hook up with's toilet, but you have to make sure there's no evidence, visible or olfactory wise. It's a nightmare poop. But it's better than pooping in the bar bathroom. Ugh. You can decide between Venereal Disease or embarrassment. Herpes or no sex. Poop in her pooper, spray some Lysol, and pray to god she doesn't have to go herself.

Q: How come overage girls are allowed to swoon over the underage Justin Bieber and have it not seem creepy but if an overage guy was doing it about Miley Cyrus or some other underage celebrity chick, it'd be just plan creepy? If women want equality in the workplace, schools, and homes, why shouldn't they be subjected to the same societal taboos that men are? Fuck this.
--O. Winfrey, Ft. Lauderdale, FL.
A: Good point. Isn't Justin Bieber a lesbian? That's what I always thought. I believe there was a South Park episode about this type of thing. The kids reported that their little brother was having sex with his teacher and all the cops just said "niceee." It's unfortunate that girls are allowed to feel this way, but it is creepy that they do. They can get away with it more, but it's still CREEPY AS FUCK to be swooning over a 17-year old who is JUST NOW going through puberty. So even if most people think it's not creepy, it still is. It's very weird and creepy. I'd like to punch that kid in the vagina for his crappy music.

Q: How unacceptable is it to get drunk at a WNBA game and constantly scream "IT"S LADIESSSSSSSS NIGHT!"? I mean, there aren't THAT many kids there.
--Bro, LA, CA.
A: Hell, if you had to go, I guess that'd be the way to do it. Although I'd rather just stay at home, get drunk, and make witty comments about how ESPN has an hilarious new sitcom called "Women's Sports."

Q: What would be a better story: having sex outside in a thunderstorm and getting hit by lightning or having a threesome with two Playboy Playmates in the Grotto?
--H. Hefner, San Bernardo, CA.
A: My dick is like LIGHTNING! Yes, definitely the thunderstorm. I don't think I've ever heard of a better way to die. "Here Lies Michael Dolan, who died mid-coitus from a lightning strike." Best tombstone ever.

Q: How long does pubic hair have to be for it to be acceptable to refuse to give oral sex?
--N. Armstrong, Space.
A: My philosophy is that if it's longer/hairier than yours, you can judge it any way you want to. It's not your fault their lazy. Who wants hair in their mouth? It should be enough that you're willing to give oral sex to someone, it shouldn't involve venturing through the enchanted forest. Shave your fucking private parts, people.

Q: I heard you're having some mad sex tonight. How unacceptable is it for couples to talk about their sex lives to their single friends? Is it just plain annoying?
--L. Machido, UFC Center.
A: Listen, an active healthy sex life is very normal for any couple to have. But that's probably who should have it. Your friends don't want to hear about you having sex 2-3 times a day, everyday, even if I accidently say it somehow. It's probably annoying, but you know who's more annoying? Friends who're complaining about not getting laid.

Fuck the Surgeon General's Warning

Back again, friends! Today, I present you with something so shocking, so unbelievable, that you probably won't be that shocked by it. In fact, it's pretty believable. I'm not sure why I said that. But anyways, today I've procured the 5 Most Alcoholic Spirits. It's for those nights where you just wanna end up crying on your bathroom floor. Naked. Also, my girlfriend said there's too many racist jokes on here and none about white people. So I'll include a racist joke about white people having to do with all 5 liquors. Enjoy, honky!


5. Absinthe
Naughty, Right?
Proof: 140 proof (70% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Absinthe has been much discussed here at the blog. It's Americanized version is a watered down piece of crap. The Czech Republic version is as potent as booze laced with PCP. And that's what you want to be getting. I mean, everyone loves mixing hard drugs and booze, right?! Right! So get your asses to Prague and get wild!
Racist Joke About It: A white person on absinthe would be like a Toyota stuck on accelerate: SCARY and HARD TO STOP FROM GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!

4. Sierra Silver Tequila
Who Wouldn't Buy It for the Hat Alone?
Proof: 150 (75% alcohol). Because tequila isn't strong enough!
Kick In the Teeth: The good people of Mexico decided it's had enough with weak tequila and infused it with almost DOUBLE the amount of alcohol as normal tequila. Try that margarita, senor! And since tequila didn't cause enough people to make mistakes, it comes with a funny hat to make it more attractive. I mean, I'd buy it. The funny hat one or Cuervo? WHO WOULDN'T CHOOSE THE FUNNY HAT?!
Racist Joke About It: People call white sorority girls that drink alot of tequila "whores" because they are easy to sleep with and not call the next day.

3. Stroh Austrian Rum
That's Messed Up, Even For a Guy Named Edmund
Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Outsmarting Bacardi 151 by adding a teeny more alcohol and a cheaper price, those Austrians sure know how to pull one over on Cuba. If only Kennedy had known how! This high proof rum is usually not drunk straight by little girly men, but more often used in Flaming Cocktails, which you can get in Austria, SoHo, or the Redder Light District.
Racist Joke About It: Date rapists are mostly white people because they have the least game of any race. Ha!

2. Devil Spring's Vodka
Wasn't There a Show About that Last Winter?
Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: New Jersey, not content with just getting wasted, wanted to create a new kind of drunken state. They doubled the proof of most vodkas and created this cheap, horrible, horrible concoction. Not found in states that don't smell funny, Devil Spring's is a funny name for a vodka that is created in the closest thing to hell America has to offer. Besides maybe like Mississippi. I mean, at least New Jersey is popular for sucking. Mississippi just sucks.
Racist Joke About It: The white people from New Jersey are a bigger problem to the world than AIDS. Boom, Roasted Like a Cashew! (That joke was lame cause I'm white)

1. Everclear
As Potent As Their Rhymes!
Proof: 190 (95% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Anyone who's had Everclear knows that it is the Devil's Drink of Choice. It may as well be lighter fluid. In fact, I'm pretty sure it is. The most alcoholic drink known to man that isn't pure alcohol, Everclear is used by white frat boys to get freshman girls hammered and alcoholics to get drunk faster. Other than that, if you're drinking Everclear, prepare for not remembering your future regrets and waking up to fat people. Yup. Fat people, the worst thing since we beat Vietnam in World War 2
Racist Joke About It: An epileptic black person could dance better than the best white dancer. BUHUAHAHAHA! WHITE JOKES!

If You Liked Him Then You Should Put a Drink In Him

I'm back from an unfortunate absence here at the blog and I promise to be more regular. I don't know what I was thinking actually. But the bar scene is terribly unfair. I'm about to turn it on it's head like a penis into a vagina. What? I don't know. Here are 5 Bullshit Things About Today's Bar Scene and Solutions to These Problems

If You Don't Buy a Girl a Drink, You Can't Flirt With Her
"You know, you've got quite the overbite. That could come in handy."
Why It's Crap: I could write an entire blog about this one alone. Hell, I could write a book. Girls have taken advantage of guys buying them drinks for TOO LONG. Why should I waste $6 or more on a girl that I just met, when it will likely go nowhere? I shouldn't have to liquor a girl up to have a nice conversation about how big my penis is or what color bra she's wearing. (The answer to both: big and pink, big and pink) Booze is expensive, especially all those Fluffy Island Navel's or whatever girls are drinking these days. And let's be honest: most single girls at bars aren't worth spending $6 just to talk to.
The Solution: The next time your flirting with a girl, ask her to buy YOU a drink. If she does, then you know she likes you. And you can always offer to get the next round anyway. If she won't, then screw her. (Not literally. You're not Ben Roethliesberger) TIME TO PLAY BY OUR OWN RULES MEN.

Bars are so Loud I Have to Yell To Hear Anyone
Because You Never Know Which Bar Might Play It....
Why It's Crap: Look, I get it. People like to go out, listen to music and dance. Well, that's what clubs are for. There's nothing wrong with music on, but when you're at a bar that doesn't even have a dance floor, why does music have to be deafening. I have to scream to talk to the person next to me? How am I supposed to flirt with that barely-legal Asian chick in the corner if Def Leopard is playing louder than a Chinese vowel? There's no reason for it, especially cause the music BLOWS.
The Solution: Create more pub-style bars, so there is a difference in this country between pubs, bars, and clubs. If I wanna go out and just chill with my friends, I don't want fucking "Bad Romance" playing for the 45th time that night overtaking my eardrums like a Nazi mine field. More bars should have karaoke anyway.

Overpriced Drinks
I Bet If You Replaced It With Cristal, You Wouldn't Even Know the Difference
Why It's Crap: On the weekends, when most people go out, bars rarely have anything on special and charge mucho prices for liquor-based drinks. It's a recession, motherfuckers! I'm not paying $8 for a vodka/cranberry and no, I'm not on my period! You need to have female sex organs for that! And....oh, I see what you're doing, that was an insult. Haha. But seriously, I know that tonic water doesn't cost $3 for half a glass. I'd rather get scurvy then pay that for it!
Solution: Buy 40s and drink on the stoop. Works for blacks.

Jagerbombs Specials
Why I Stopped Drinking Jager
Why It's Shit: Jagerbombs blow. Fuck jager. It's German, meaning you're supporting Nazism and the destruction of humor. Why can't they have specials on GOOD shots? Like, say, straight up JACK. Jagerbombs are for pussies who can't drink alcohol unless it tastes like a Sweet Tart. And they are hogging all the deals at bars.
Solution: Start a political party that's like the Tea Party but more like the Whiskey Party. Because Tea sucks. And so do they.

Slut's and Ho's
Look On the Bright Side, Kid. She gave me a good blowjob. Wait...that sucks for you. Hahahahahaha.
Why It's Shit: Half the people that go to the bars these days are skank asses dressed like Miley in the nude photoshoot. Look, I get it girls. Your boobs look great while they're hanging out and those skintight dresses shows off your fat ass. Blah blah blah. You aren't flattering yourself, guys that are looking for something short and one-nightish will always gravitate towards you.
Solution: Dress code for bars: sweetpants, hoodies, and slippers. Bam, the pajama bar. Wait, that's a pretty good idea.

Yes, I Know It's April Fools Day But I'm Not In the Mood to Fool You. Or Am I? and Other Solved Mind Puzzles: The April Mailbag

Another month, another mailbag. When you have nothing else to depend on, the mailbag will always be there at the beginning of the month to give you some disturbing escapism. So as I take a break from losing bets to my girlfriend and preparing for my Irish Conquest of London next week, I present you with your favorite segment: The April Mailbag. WELCOME TO THE SHIT!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'VE HAD TOO MUCH RED BULL

Q: Is Easter the worst holiday of the year once you age? I mean, after a while the baskets and eggs get lame. And a giant bunny? Come on!
--B. Manumaleuna, Chicago, IL
A: Easter is a rather lame holiday, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun. After all, it's prime time for brunch. And only losers hate brunch. Although church is quite boring to go to....I guess there is no although. That's all I got.

Q: Any predictions for the Cubs this year?
--T. Hatcher, Wistoria Lane, SpellCheckDoesn'tCoverFakeStreetNames.
A: Yes, I predict that for every loss I will lose 20 minutes off my life due to unnecessary stress. So that's 1,600 minutes off my life. That's my prediction. Do the math. Or don't.

Q: If there was a global apocalypse, and you could only save one brewery or liquor distillery, what would be? Also, what animal would you most want to assist you on your post-apocalyptic journey?
--K. Powers, HBO
A: Well, if there's only gonna be one, it's gonna be liquor. After all, there's not gonna be any sex, no new TV episodes, no sports, no nothing. You're gonna wanna get loaded..alot. And whiskey will always do the trick quite nicely. Give me the Jameson brewery open and I say Happy Apocalypse! As for the animal, monkey is never the wrong answer. But if you could train a cheetah, that'd be awesome. You wouldn't even need a car! But if there's an apocalypse and I'm the last man standing, then god hates you all.

Q: What is the socially acceptable protocol for drinking on an airplane?
--J. Garcia, Montpellier, Vermont
A: This depends on many factors. Are you alone? With kids? Are you going on vacation? I say if you're on vacation without kids, then divide the number of hours your flight is in half. Maybe add one. Hell, you're on vacay, why's there a limit? Go wild, I say. If you are with kids though, just be sneaky about it. You don't want to look like a bad example or anything.

Q: Why do girls hate anal sex so much? What did anal sex ever do to them? Gay men do it, so if girls really wanted equality, they'd do it.
--ABBA, Stockholm, Sweden.
A: Girls hate anal sex because they've been brainwashed. Brainwashed by men, who have made it seem disgusting to do it, als turning girls off. If men didn't talk about it like it was some accomplishment or anything, then girls might be more open to it. But no. This is one thing that porn has ruined. And let me tell you something about porn: it's good. I mean, if the internet shut down, what would be the first thing you'd think of? "WHERE'S THE PORN GONE?!?!"

Q: All I hear is "Tiger Woods apologizes for this, Tiger Woods apologizes for that." I could give two shits about your apology. Why's he apologizing to me for banging other women? Eff that. I wanna know how he did it! How can you balance that many women for that long? Most men fail trying to balance two!
--V. Hudgens, Disneyland.
A: He's apologizing because the media is one crazy feeding frenzy pouncing and he wants them to go away. As for how he balanced that many women, who knows. The dude won the Masters on one leg. I'm sure balancing ho's wasn't too hard compared to that. Also: He has lots of money.

Q: What's a bigger faux pas: drunkenly hooking up with the boss' daughter at the company Christmas party or drunkenly hooking up with his son at the company Christmas party?
--R. Martin, Wrigleyville, IL.
A: Um. Well, you should absolutely never shit where you eat, so to speak. And that will have a double meaning if you hook up with the son. So go with the girl. Nobody likes poop all over the place.

Q: I've noticed a disturbing trend. So I've had 4 girlfriends in the last 2 years...and none of them know how to cook! Are women slowly refraining from learning how to cook food well?
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: As more and more women turn to the working world, less no how to cook. This is indeed a horrible, horrible trend. We've all feared equality for a long time and this is the worst pitfall of it all. And with the proliferation of take-out places and fast-food restaurants, it's only gonna get worse. You know what else it means? More fat girls. Yup. This is what equality is getting us, men. Fat girls and Crappy food.

Q: With baseball/fantasy baseball fast approaching, what are the chances that your girlfriend smashes your iPhone against the wall? And couple that with the World Cup this summer, how is she gonna get through it? I'm asking for suggestion for her.
--T. Thigpen, Miami, FL.
A: Hahaha. Here's a hint: if she breaks my phone, I will turn into a Hulk-like monstrosity of epically angerlicious proportions. Here's what she can do: thank god that the Cubs play a ton of day games, in which she will be at camp. South Africa, where the World Cup is held, is 7 hours ahead. Which means most of the games will be at 2-3 AM and she'll be sleeping. But since I'm such a nice boyfriend, I'll set up Easter Egg hunts to keep her busy all summer longggggggggg. For instance, putting something on the top shelf. HOW WILL YOU GET IT? Well, that is the question, isn't it?

Q: What's the age where you stop buying beer based on price, and start buying it for flavor?
--B. White's Ghost, Heaven.
A: I say once you have graduated from college and have a real job in which you can afford good beer, that's when you should start buying beer based on flavor. Natty Light and all that crap should be left in college. Give me a good Guinness or Killians? Now we're talking.

Q: What are your thoughts on licking your own nipples? Do you?
Usher, Los Angeles, CA.
A: How in the name of hell do you think I would lick my nipples? Do you think I have some sort of bionic neck? If I did, I wouldn't be licking my nipples. Shit. I've said too much. As for you guys, if you're a female and you can do it, well by all means take advantage of the god-given ability in everywhere possible. If you're a male and can do it, well by all means take advantage of that, since you probably won't be interacting with the opposite sex much.

Q: In a car, what's better for car sex: leather or cloth seats?
--E. Hardy, San Fransisco, CA.
A: I'd have to say cloth. It's smooth, makes less noise, and allows for better maneuvering I would imagine. Leather would be all uncomfortable too, just for sitting on I'd imagine. But that's just my opinion. I'm just a boy...standing in front of car...wanting to have sex in it.

Q: When was your first sleepover and where? And why is pizza packed in a square box? THINK ABOUT IT!
--S. Lejman, Bloomington, IL.
A: Interesting questions with even interestinger answers. Pizza is packed in a square box because how the hell would you get it out of the box if it fit exactly into the box? That'd be anarchy! Plus, I'd imagine that circular boxes aren't too commonly made and are likely more expensive. My first sleep over wa back when I was 10-11 years old and it was with an old friend of mine, let's call her "Lindsay." Eventually we grew apart, but the sleepover wasn't the only first that night! She was quite the Mean GIrl. That was quite a Freaky Friday. I hear she's a movie star now. Good for her.

Q: Here are the 5 most dangerous questions girls can ask: "What are you thinking?" "Do You Love Me?" "Do I look fat?" "Is she prettier than me?" "What would you do if I died?" What are the correct answers to these questions, since men has failed to grasp the answer as of yet.
--P. Diddy, New York, NY.
A: Wrong Answers: "Porn." "You're so nice..." "Those jeans make your butt look flabby." "She's a swimsuit model, what do you think?" "I'd probably go after your best friend for some grief sex." Correct Answers: "What I'm gonna get you for your birthday." "Like Pooh loves honey." "You couldn't look fat if you ate an entire pig!" "You're the prettiest girl this side of the equator!" "I would kill myself." White lies keep girls with guys. (copyrighted)

Q: What is the absolute worst food/drink combo that you could eat or drink when hungover?
--J. Bieber, Cheyenne, WY.
A: I always thought eggs were the worst thing you could possibly have hungover. Ugh. Your digestive system already hates you. And eggs? Ugh. Couple that with a glass of milk and I think you'd be on a one-way road to diarrhea town. Poop joke!

Q: What's the one booze you've never had that you most want to try? Do you think you ever actually will?
--Z. Galifawhatever, Los Fransisco, Can.
A: As an avid watcher of Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel, his visit to Laos inspired me to want to try this rice liquor Lao Lao. It sounds like motor oil mixed with alcohol mixed with llama piss. It makes me all giddy inside. Realistically, I'll probably never try it. But hey, that's what I thought about my chances of having sex with a midget and that's happened. So you never know I guess!

Q: Isn't it too hard to have sex while both of you are covered in butter and oil? I think you'd be a slipin' and slidin' all over the place!
--J. Aniston, DesperationLand, USA.
A: What the...I believe you would sir. I'm more prone to Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I don't care if it's on me or the girl or my ice cream that chocolate is going into my mouth PRONTO. Like now, motherfucker. Butter? What are you, a waffle? That's disgusting. (squirts chocolate sauce into mouth straight from the bottle)

Q: We all know vodka's the best alcohol for mixing....but what's the worst?
--H. Katrina, New Orleans, LA.
A: It has to be absinthe. Oh my god, there is NOTHING you can mix that shit with. It was made for you to taste how shitty it tastes No. Matter. What. Literally, google absinthe mixers and they'll say water. WATER?! Watered-down absinthe, hooray, now it tastes like watered down ass instead of just ass. But absinthe is a good time, ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I love absinthe.

Q: I was thinking the other day while watching (insert any women's "sport" here) that "these players seems drunk they're playing so bad!" What would be the funniest sport to actually watch with all the players really drunk?
--R. Hianna, Birmingham, AL.
A: Hahaha. That is a great idea. You'd want a sport that there could potentially be a lot of pain. I think football would be almost too much. Baseball would just be boring. It would have to be hockey, wouldn't it? People skating all over the place, falling down flat on their faces, going for checks and just smashing into the plexiglass. That would be comedy gold! Somebody spike the Red Wings' Gatorade!

Q: OK, Big Question Here. I was browsing the web, like always, just google searching flexibility for this physics dissertation I'm working on. I came across this picture
My Question Is This: How do I get my Girlfriend to do this?
--Some Guy, Everywhere.
A: God, I wish I took gymnastics. The answer is....you don't. Nobody actually gets to have sex with female gymnasts. It's a myth. A beautiful, sexy myth. Oh, come hither Nastia.........