Mother's Day

Mother's Day is one of those holidays. But they certainly deserve it...more so than their kids, usually. But kind of mom do you have? Is she a crazy alcoholic? A tame homebody? Either way, you love your mom. How do you know which booze to buy your mom for Mother's Day? Well, I've put together a handy little guide that should steer you towards a successful Mother's Day gift. Mother's Day Shopping at the Liquor Store.


Beer
Class.
If Your Mom Is... She's an old school lady. Oh, she enjoys to let the good times roll, alright. She has beer mugs, not wine glasses. Amaretto? What the hell is that?, she'll say. She'll be watching the game with her boys, just one of the guys in actuality. Good marrying material? Eh, probably not. But that doesn't mean she's not good in the sack ALL NIGHT LONG. For other guys I mean. Not for her kids, that'd be gross.


Wine
What Every Mom Should Strive to Be
If Your Mom Is... A classy woman, indeed. She just wants to pop open a bottle of red and turn on Celebrity Apprentice. Maybe she doesn't go out as much as she used to, but that's ok: those days are behind her. Not only is wine classier, it has more alcohol. And if she has the wine glasses that my mom has, then its more than enough to polish off a bottle (or two) on the right night (Tuesday-Sunday).

Vodka/Gin/Rum
Kanye Raised You, Bitch
If You're Mom Is... Clearly, this woman has lost all inhibition. If your mom is still drinking clear alcohol, then she is likely an alcoholic. Years of child-rearing have worn her out to the point where she just doesn't give a crap anymore. The only reason she still takes her kids to the park is because her flask sets off the metal detector at the library. And nobody reads. Except for this, hopefully. Nothing wrong with a woman who likes her martinis. It's just that she's probably a boozy hooker-like woman.

Tequila/Whiskey/Something Stronger
You Should Probably Make Up For Being On the Cover, Anyway....
If Your Mom Is... Borderline insane. What MOM drinks tequila or whiskey? That's a man's drink, honey. Here's the kind of woman that you meet and she sips whiskey, seems awesome, and is great in the sack. You know how those women end up? Crazy. They know your e-mail password, take every word you say out of context, and blow up if you pet her dog the wrong way. If she wants whiskey, you should buy her Xanax instead and crush it up into her oatmeal.

Weed
Perfection
If Your Mom Is... Cool. Your mom is super cool. Buy her a gram and turn on her old Janis Joplin records or whatever hippies listened to, light up a J and turn on Spongebob. Happy Mother's Day? Oh yeah, that's a Happy Anyone's Day.