Fuck the Surgeon General's Warning

Back again, friends! Today, I present you with something so shocking, so unbelievable, that you probably won't be that shocked by it. In fact, it's pretty believable. I'm not sure why I said that. But anyways, today I've procured the 5 Most Alcoholic Spirits. It's for those nights where you just wanna end up crying on your bathroom floor. Naked. Also, my girlfriend said there's too many racist jokes on here and none about white people. So I'll include a racist joke about white people having to do with all 5 liquors. Enjoy, honky!


5. Absinthe
Naughty, Right?
Proof: 140 proof (70% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Absinthe has been much discussed here at the blog. It's Americanized version is a watered down piece of crap. The Czech Republic version is as potent as booze laced with PCP. And that's what you want to be getting. I mean, everyone loves mixing hard drugs and booze, right?! Right! So get your asses to Prague and get wild!
Racist Joke About It: A white person on absinthe would be like a Toyota stuck on accelerate: SCARY and HARD TO STOP FROM GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!

4. Sierra Silver Tequila
Who Wouldn't Buy It for the Hat Alone?
Proof: 150 (75% alcohol). Because tequila isn't strong enough!
Kick In the Teeth: The good people of Mexico decided it's had enough with weak tequila and infused it with almost DOUBLE the amount of alcohol as normal tequila. Try that margarita, senor! And since tequila didn't cause enough people to make mistakes, it comes with a funny hat to make it more attractive. I mean, I'd buy it. The funny hat one or Cuervo? WHO WOULDN'T CHOOSE THE FUNNY HAT?!
Racist Joke About It: People call white sorority girls that drink alot of tequila "whores" because they are easy to sleep with and not call the next day.

3. Stroh Austrian Rum
That's Messed Up, Even For a Guy Named Edmund
Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Outsmarting Bacardi 151 by adding a teeny more alcohol and a cheaper price, those Austrians sure know how to pull one over on Cuba. If only Kennedy had known how! This high proof rum is usually not drunk straight by little girly men, but more often used in Flaming Cocktails, which you can get in Austria, SoHo, or the Redder Light District.
Racist Joke About It: Date rapists are mostly white people because they have the least game of any race. Ha!

2. Devil Spring's Vodka
Wasn't There a Show About that Last Winter?
Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: New Jersey, not content with just getting wasted, wanted to create a new kind of drunken state. They doubled the proof of most vodkas and created this cheap, horrible, horrible concoction. Not found in states that don't smell funny, Devil Spring's is a funny name for a vodka that is created in the closest thing to hell America has to offer. Besides maybe like Mississippi. I mean, at least New Jersey is popular for sucking. Mississippi just sucks.
Racist Joke About It: The white people from New Jersey are a bigger problem to the world than AIDS. Boom, Roasted Like a Cashew! (That joke was lame cause I'm white)

1. Everclear
As Potent As Their Rhymes!
Proof: 190 (95% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Anyone who's had Everclear knows that it is the Devil's Drink of Choice. It may as well be lighter fluid. In fact, I'm pretty sure it is. The most alcoholic drink known to man that isn't pure alcohol, Everclear is used by white frat boys to get freshman girls hammered and alcoholics to get drunk faster. Other than that, if you're drinking Everclear, prepare for not remembering your future regrets and waking up to fat people. Yup. Fat people, the worst thing since we beat Vietnam in World War 2
Racist Joke About It: An epileptic black person could dance better than the best white dancer. BUHUAHAHAHA! WHITE JOKES!

Drunken Landmass

What's the story morning glory?! Oh, Oasis. Anyways, I've been thinking about how drunk people are all the time and it makes me think--which continent's are the drunkest? The weakest? I didn't know! And since I don't have a job, it's been driving me CRAZY! I'm just sitting around the house, screaming at Oprah "WHAT CONTINENT DRINKS THE MOST OPRAH?! YOU MUST KNOW!" Finally, I decided to do some research instead of inanely screaming at the television, since I don't want to become a cat lady when I'm 23. Here's what I found: From Soberest to Drunkest: Ranking the Drunkenness of the Continents. ANTARCTICA NOT INCLUDED FOOLS!

(Ranked from Soberest to Drunkest. Ex= #6 is the soberest, #1 is drunkest)

6. Asia
The Drunkest People: Thai, Chinese, and Koreans.
Slackers: Saudi Arabia, Iran, India, all the Muslim countries really.
The Ranking: If Russia was included, it might be higher....but the drunk part of Russia is mostly in Europe. Asia suffers from Muslim-itis, in that many of the Muslim countries ban alcohol all together. So not even the billions in the far far East could save Asia from being in last with the nonexistence of alcohol in the Middle East. Get with the times, Muslims! Drunkenness brings you closer to Allah! Just ask all those afros that go Muslim while in jail!

5. Africa
The Drunkest People: Uganda, Nigeria, Swaziland, Burundi. (If you've heard of 2 or more of these, gold star for you!)
Slackers: Egypt, Sudan, Libya, Algeria, Niger, Somalia, Ethiopia. (If you haven't heard of at least 3 of these, you are a moron)
The Ranking: Unfortunately, like Asia, Africa has many Muslim countries in the north that ban alcohol all together. Also, most African countries are so poor their official currency is "Dirt/Leaves." The lovely people of Uganda are doing straight up WORK, with the highest percentage of alcoholism in the world. Unfortunately, African warlords make it difficult to document things like this, not to mention the market price of a 5 kilos of blow on the open market. (What? I needed to know this for my missionary work in (blindly points at map) Libya.) Africa is fucked up, too fucked up to actually be getting fucked up all the time. I have heard good things about palmwine, an African delicacy that apparently tastes like paint thinner. So....they got that. Which is nice.

4. South America
The Drunkest: Argentina, Uruguay, Venezuela, French Guyana.
Slackers: Paraguay, Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Chile, Suriname.
The Ranking: South America is a tricky continent. On one hand, they have party countries like Brazil and Argentina, but so many of the other countries are not into it. It's a damn shame, really. Perhaps that's why it's BELOW North America. (Haha...get it?) Although South America might be displeased with their spot on this list, just know that you would be #1 if it were a list for "Attractive Continents." Ay curumba! Just thinking about it has me all caliente!

3. North America
The Drunkest: United States (College kids and Irish only), Canada, Dominica, Haiti, Bahamas. (Starts to make Haiti joke but remembers it happened less than a week ago and restrains self...) Hey, maybe Haiti is being (STOP!). Nevermind.
Slackers: Guatemala, Cuba, Honduras, Mexico. (Insert joke about Mexicans being in the "Slackers" category. Somethings just work themselves out.)
The Ranking: Remember when you forgot Haiti was a country until last week? Well, now alcoholism will go way up there! Also, college students and Canadians have piggybacked North America up to #3 for their impressive beer drinking performances. Unfortunately, if it were "Attractive Continents" we'd be last. But that's neither here nor there! We are the land of Jack Daniels and the home of Keystone! We can't make good beer here...but at least we can drink it! Take THAT Zimbabwe! HA!

2. Oceania
The Drunkest: Australia, New Zealand, Marshall Islands.
Slackers: Papua New Guinea, Fiji, Tonga, French Polynesia.
The Ranking: It's really all Australia and New Zealand here. There, they sure can bring it. The Aussies and the Kiwi's can certainly down their fruit salads! And Fosters! Ain't that Australian for whiskey? Hey, I mean, you had Steve Irwin. Lord of the Rings. The Olympics. That Opera House. Flight of the Conchords. Ummm....the flight that crashes in LOST takes off from there. (Anybody know anything else from these countries?) HEY! How bout those Lord of the Rings movies?! Wait...Damnit, I already said that. Uhhhhh....(dances).

1. Europe
The Drunkest: Spain, Portugal, England, Ireland, Germany, Holland, Austria, Crotia, Czech Republic, Moldova, France, Luxembourg, Hungary, Slovakia, Lithuania, Russia, Latvia, Estonia, Switzerland, Finland, Denmark, Greece.
Slackers: Turkey, Sweden, Norway.
The Ranking: Europe is one big party! Beer in the morning noon and night! Wine for lunch, Sangria for breakfast! Ouzo all night and promiscuous sex for money all day! When it all comes down to it though, Europe has earned their place at the top. Look at all those alcoholic countries. We should all stand up and give a great big round of applause for the Europeans and their lack of respect for their livers. Except to the French. We should punch them. In the balls. IT WAS A HANDBALL NO I WILL NOT GET OVER IT! CHOKE ON YOUR BORDEAUX FRENCHIE!

Well, there you have it. It's nice to get that information out of the way and into the open. Aren't you glad that you know all this now? I thought you would be. That's why I wrote it...for you. But, much like before sex, I have no time to wrap this up. So I'll catch you all when I catch you: on the flip side, yo!