Many people hear drinking alone and immediately say "alcoholic." Well, the blog doesn't share this view. Sometimes, drinking alone is necessary. When, you ask? OH! Well, I'm going to tell you. Perhaps it's not the happiest topic, but I my writing could make "2 and a Half Men" funny. So listen up, this is When Drinking Alone is OK.
After a Break-Up "See....the crying, this is why I broke up with you." Why It's OK: People are naturally sad after a break-up. There's lots of self-pity, tears, and mood swings during the immediate post-relationship period. Alcohol is oh-so-necessary to help you through the process but going out and meeting new people will only remind you of your ex. At least at first, it's best to wallow in that self-pity all by your lonesome. Throw on the Bryan Adams CD, sit in your underwear, and sip on a drink or ten as you get ALL your wallowing out of the way. I mean, your friends don't wanna hear your bitching. Get your ass on the couch and feel sorry for your drunken self! You Should Drink: like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.
After a Traumatic Event Yes, Like That. Why It's OK: Every goes through trauma. Car accident, death in the family, dropping your entire bag of popcorn at the movie theatre. Whatever it is, you're gonna need to booze on through it. And if you're drinking with other people, all they're only going to tell you "Oh I'm so sorry, that looked delicious" and stuff like that. Well fuck that! You need to ditch your date and sit by yourself, sipping on your Movie Theatre Sized Margarita and dream of the buttery goodness you're missing out on. You Should Drink: like Pac-Man Jones at a wine tasting.
When You're Struggling To Find An Answer That Guy's Got the Right Idea Why It's OK: Sometimes in life, we search for the unattainable answers. "What's my life's purpose?" "Did I let "the one" get away?" "Will I ever see my hot MILF neighbor changing through my bedroom window?" Life's too short to spend TOO much time thinking about such questions, so pour yourself a double and reflect. Creativity stems from alcohol abuse. Find your answer at the bottom of a bottle. You Should Drink: more than Mel Gibson at a David Hasselhoff fiesta.
When You're Just Getting Out of Rehab Who Are Those People? Why It's OK: Whatever you were in rehab for, you owe it to yourself to reward your good behavior. Crack? Meth? Heroin? Well, you're going to need something to replace that eventually. You need to sit down by yourself and find out if that thing is alcohol. You know you've got an addictive personality, as you're just leaving rehab, so nobody is going to let you drink too heavily after getting out. That's why you need to do it alone. Avoid those party-pooping losers. You Should Drink: like someone who was in rehab for alcohol abuse.
When Nobody Reads Your Blog STUPID STUPID STUPID! Why It's OK: Sometimes you pour your heart into something and it just doesn't work out for the best. So you started a blog and nobody reads it? It's OK. Maybe you have a solid head of hair? No, ummm...a good job? Ehem, anyways, maybe you should just not think about it. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and walk down the street. Maybe peeing on your neighbor's lawn will make you feel better? Maybe all that MILF neighbor needs is to see you naked first.... You Should Drink: like a soccer hooligan on her period.
The mailbag is back and it's heating up, both outside and in the mailroom. What do I mean? Oh, I just mean that the questions are getting more controversial, but not so controversial where I have to explain myself. But let's get down to it. The June Mailbag.
Q: What do you think of the Blackhawks doing so well, about to get a championship for your poor sports city? --A. Pujols, St. Louis, MO. A: I'm not the biggest hockey fan, but I do appreciate what they are doing for the city. I mean, I'm not going to start a Fantasy Hockey league but I will fair-weather fan it when they are playing well for the good of the city. After all, it's strange to see a sports team I like do well, being a Cubs fan and all.
Q; With the World Cup coming up, can you give us some pointers and possibly a drinking game for the tournament? --Kaka, Brasilia, Brazil. A: If you don't regularly watch soccer, then just sit back and enjoy without trying to understand it. If you enjoy that, then good. Look up the rules, because I'm not explaining soccer offsides to ANYONE. Here's a great drinking game for the World Cup: --Do a shot for every goal. --Drink two for every yellow card. --Drink four for every red card. --Drink one for every foul. --Drink two for every word the announcers say that you are not familiar with. --Drink every time they mention that the World Cup is in Africa. --Drink every time the English announcers overrate the England team You should be hammered from the last two alone.
Q: Say you're me. Say you have to chance to have sex with the girl of your dreams--not a celebrity--but you had to get chlamydia. Do I do it? --J. Beam, Mobile, AL. A: STD's are curable these days, aren't they? I say go for it, then get yourself some penicillin. Having chlamydia makes you sound like a hooker.
Q: What country would you say has the highest quality beer altogether? --J. Foxx, LA, CA A: What blog do you think you're at? Normally, I would say Ireland to anything that involves me picking a favorite. Unfortunately, besides Guinness, I don't find any other Irish beers to be that amazing. The Czech Republic and Belgium are both solid bets. I don't think I've ever had a bad Belgian or Czech beer.
Q: You've come home from a long day. You're extremely tired. What would you rather do: girl on top or get head? --C. Bradshaw, NY, NY. A: Girl on top. Granted, getting head is ALWAYS great. But girl on top is awesome. I just feel like girl on top is alot sexier than getting head. Sex is sex is sex is awesome. How old am I? (I'm over 18, ladies, that's all you need to know)
Q: Can you disprove three theories that women's magazine's think about men? Please, do it for us all. --G. Lazenby, London, Eng. A: "20 Shoes Men Love" (Cosmopolitan), "7 Signs He'll Never Marry You" (Cosmopolitan), "10 Sexy Sex and the City 2 Hairstyles" (Cosmo) "20 Shoes Men Love"--I've never looked at a woman's shoes and said "Mmm that is hot." Black heels are fine with me and I don't really NEED anything else. "7 Signs He'll Never Marry You"--It said "If your FB profile is limited" and "If his friends are distant." Listen, some people can't tag drunken pictures because they a) have jobs, b) are friends with relatives, c) don't want to seem like a douchebag. How bout spending time getting to know him instead of creeping on FB? And maybe, just maybe, his friends just don't like you. If he loves you enough, he would. Trust me, I've known plenty of guys/girls that would marry someone that didn't get along with their friends. "10 Sexy Hairstyles"--There's no such thing as a sexy hairstyle from Sex and the City 2, since all the women are old/ugly.
Q: Which female celebrity would win a hot body/weird face contest? --M. Broderick, Detroit, MI. A: Uma Thurman. She's got a weird face but I find her strangely attractive all the same. As for the loser, it has to be Sarah Jessica Parker. Her face is so bad, I'd probably have a hard time not thinking about it in the pitch black dark. Ughhhhh.
Q: What is stupider: swimming in a pool while hammered or trying to climb a tree hammered? Keep in mind, there is beer up in the tree. --M. Gibson, Las Vegas, NV. A: Let's be honest: both are really, really fun. Not that I reccommend it to anyone or anything. I would have to say the stupider one is also the funner one: climbing a tree while hammered and drinking in a tree. Have you ever gotten drunk in a tree house?! FUCKING EPIC.
Q: Is there a protocol for drinking while your wife is pregnant? Obviously, she can't really drink at all. Are there any rules to this situation? --S. Strasburg, Washington, DC. A: I'm not sure there's an exact science to it. It depends how your wife is but I would stray away from drinking anymore than one single beer or one glass of wine. These are what nights out with friends are for--although you probably won't get many. If you really want/need to, then say you have to stay an extra hour for work and go to Happy Hour. Things like that. After all, there's nothing more important to a new marriage than lying about going out drinking after work when your wife's pregnant.
Q: Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper died this week. Can you give us some of your favorite moments from them, on screen or otherwise? --K. Reeves, ????? A: Gary Coleman? Was that the bald guy who used to play for the 76ers? As for Dennis Hopper, well, the man was awesome at playing weird villain types. The following two clips are probably my favorite:
Q: Quick--Dispel the myth that people go to Wrigley Field only to drink and party and not to watch the Cubs play baseball. --G. Coleman, Seattle, WA. A: I'm a die-hard Cubs fan but nobody can dispel this myth. Most people go to Cubs games to get drunk and have a good time. There are some, like myself, who go to watch the actual baseball game. But that doesn't mean I don't love Wrigley Field. Hell, besides them getting a real scoreboard, there's nothing wrong with it. So it's old? So is my Grandma, that doesn't mean I want to get a new one.
Q: The Subject: Lindsay Lohan. The Question: How many times do you have to wrap it? --S. Monster, Lost Island. A: More times than a Cuban cigar. I feel like having sex with Lindsay Lohan, at this point, would be like sticking your penis in a nuclear reactor--who knows how it will come out.
Q: Lee DeWyze is from your hometown and he won American Idol. Is he now the most famous person to ever live in your town? --P. Hilton, Blogville. A: No, one of the Spice Girls was born next door to me. Jackass.
Q: How drunk is too drunk for BBQ parties? --S. Soo-Choo, Cleveland, OH. A: Depending on the rationing of beer and if you're driving (be safe kids!), it doesn't matter. The hosts want to get rid of all the stuff, especially the crappy beer that your aunt bought two cases of just for herself when she can barely finish 2 bottles. Drink and eat up, that's what the summer is for. Well, that and watching Mexicans cut lawns. It's like an art form!
Q: What would you rather do: have a beer with Obama or a boxing match against him? --S. Sosa, Santiago, Chile. A: Instead of asking him about the economy or health care, I'd like to ask him how his FACE is doing after I smash it! Ha-HA! I actually don't have anything against Obama really, I just think it'd be pretty badass to fight a President. Especially since I'd lose.
Q: If you could go back in time and go to one party, which party would it be and why? --R. Gould, Chicago, IL. A: Any single one of Hugh Hefner's Birthday parties. It really is that simple. Silly bunny, tricks are for me. What? I don't know, let's move on.
Q: Who is the most annoying/your least favorite sports anchor on ESPN? --S. Scott, Bristol, CN. A: God damn it all if I don't hate Chris Berman but he's not even the winner. No, it has to be either Stephen A. Smith or Skip Bayless. What the hell is the matter with those guys? IF I NEEDED TO HEAR YOU TALK LOUDER, I'D TURN MY VOLUME UP. Put them in a room and let them argue together until one of them has a brain hemorrhage.
Q: What is the appropriate amount of drinking that you can do if your boss is present at a company event/happy hour? Conversely, when is it ok to drink at work, if ever? --F. Lapidus, West Lafeyette, IN. A: It's appropriate to keep pace with the boss. Depending on your job/boss, you don't want to be hitting on secretaries in front of him. He's got first dibs on them anyway. If the boss leaves work, then I'd say if you got a partner in crime, go for it. Especially if that person is hot. There's nothing hotter than a hot partner in a hot crime.
Q: Which animal would be the funniest to get drunk with if it could talk? The least funny? --S. Kitison, Hell. A: Penguins would just be slip sliddin' around. HAhAHAHA. Just imagine it. The least funny would probably be a cat. I hate cats, they're so droll.
Q: What if you hook up with an older lady and it lasts one night. You then meet a young girl and start dating her for a while. You meet her parents and OH! that older lady you hooked up with before you guys met is her mom--and she's still married to the girls dad. What is the appropriate reaction, if any, to this situation? --J. Chamberlain, NY, NY. A: That is one of the more awkward situations I've ever heard of. I don't know how that situation could end well, but you HAVE to stay in this relationship until the daughter finds out. Hell, just tell her. That is TOO GOOD of a story to not have. Imagine their reactions! Family dinners = never the same!
Yo yo yo and hey hey hey, it's such a beautiful, beautiful day! Naturally, I've decided to write about death. I've compiled some unusually funny deaths that have had to do with alcohol and, through my eloquence and pure, unadulterated verbosity, you will find them as interesting as I do. Funny Drunk Deaths, let's do it.
George Plantagenet Date/Age of Death: February 18, 1487 at the age of 28. Cause of Death: Drowning The Story: The young Irish Duke was going to be executed for some reason or another. Not to be outdone by his crazy torturers, the genius decided to trap himself in a barrel of wine, drowning in the process. Some believe his death inspired the phrase "like shooting a Duke in a barrel." Others disagree, and claim that anyone who thinks that is retarded...because that's not a real phrase. Not everyone is made to be intelligent, people.
London Beer Flood Date/Age of Death: Nine people of various age died on October 17, 1814 Cause of Death: Eight drowned, one died of alcohol poisoning. The Story: Sometime ago in jolly ole London, a rather large container of beer ruptured, spilling 323,000 gallons of beer out into the streets. This would've all been fine and good, except that it was in a poorer area of town where many apartments were situated in basements and underground. The beer flooded a few of these very apartments, where eight people drowned due to being knocked out from the force of the flood and drowning. Miraculously, one man survived this very same thing, but died of alcohol poisoning a few days later. Authorities blame his death on the flood, while some just saw he was hammered and wanted to go for a swim when he got home.
Dylan Thomas Date/Age of Death: Died November 9, 1953 at the age of 39. Cause of Death: Alcohol Poisoning or Pneumonia The Story: Although likely false, folklore has provided us with a wonderful story that--if true--is more badass than dying because you were having sex while sky diving. Thomas was a huge alcoholic. One day, he walked into a bar and ordered something like 18-20 shots of whiskey. He did them CONTINUOUSLY and finished them all, rendering all your drinking accomplishments more moot than an empty soda can. He then lit up a cigarette, told the bartender "Thanks," and walked out of the bar. He then proceeded to pass out right in front of the bar and die of alcohol poisoning. DO NOT GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT. True words, never written. Gotta respect a man that lives by the words he writes. Except for me, I guess.
Tennessee Williams Date/Age of Death: Died on February 25, 1983 at the age of 71. Cause of Death: Choked The Story: The famous American playwright was checking out of his hotel room when he choked to death on eyedrop bottle cap. He usually held the cap in between his teeth while using the eyedrops. The well-known alcoholic was apparently so drunk that he didn't even realize he was choking until it was too late. He remains the only person to die from choking on a eyedrop cap besides the Teenage Eyedrop Mass Suicide that he inspired in the late 80s. Since then, eyedrops are only used by teenage stoners who don't want their parents to realize they're high. Bitches can tell anyway, bro.
Jimmy Lee Gray Date/Age of Death: September 2, 1983 at the age of 34 Cause of Death: Sentenced to Death By Gas Chamber The Story: I'll spare you the reasons WHY Jimmy Lee was being executed, but his crimes warranted the gas chamber according to the state of Mississippi. He was seated in the chamber with a metal rod behind his head. The gas wasn't working as it was supposed, causing Jimmy Lee to spasm and bang his head against the rod and not die for around 10-15 minutes, an eternity in that situation. Mississippi was criticized heavily for the disturbing incident, deservingly so. What does this tale have to do with alcohol? Well, the executioner, on one of the very few days of his life that he would be killing someone in a complicated process, was hammered drunk throughout the execution. Like they say in Mississippi, "Beer's the only solution for workin' an execution."
Like all great things, LOST must end. And end it has. Whether you loathed loved the finale, at least the ride there was something to cherish. So let me take you back and recap a few "Top 5..." lists regarding my favorite show, which I will miss like a friend. Here are The Top 5 Episodes, Characters, and Unanswered Questions from LOST. This will contain major SPOILERS.
Top 5 Episodes
5. Live Together, Die Alone (Season 2, Episode 23) The season two finale, where we're introduced to Desmond's backstory, has probably some of the best action sequences, answers, and aura of mystery that the show has ever put on display. Locke's quest to not press the button with Desmond, and Jack's and the gang being led into The Others' trap were both stories that magnified the hopelessness of all these characters and their situation. Best Moment: Desmond shining the light up the hatch onto a broken John Locke, giving both characters the hope they need to continue.
4. Ab Aeterno (Season 6, Episode 8) Isn't it funny that the supporting cast's love stories were much more interesting and beautiful than the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle/puke-fest? Finally, Richard's background is explored, as we are given insight into the ageless wonder's life. It turns out he's only stuck on the island because he was trying to save his wife. It's heartbreaking, but also hopeful when Hurley finally helps Richard let go of his wife. Best Moment: Hurley speaking for Richard's dead wife to Richard, as he is finally able to let go and accept his fate.
3. Deus Ex Machina (Season 1, Episode 19) Season one's best arc had to be that of John Locke's mission to understand his purpose on the island. As he and Boone try and open the hatch, we get some ultra-creepy visions of Boone, which brings back some nostalgia for me, as his death was untimely. It really opened up the door and promised that no character was ever really safe from death. And it only intensified the Jack vs. Locke rivalry. Best Moment: "Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs."
2. Through the Looking Glass (Season 3, Episode 22) Much of Season 3 was a tad below par, for me at least, but the ending of it was nothing short of excellent. With Charlie trying to complete his kamikaize mission and everyone else's vendetta against the other's coming to a head, there were many great moments in the episode. But it may have been the most hopeful we ever get to see our favorite castaways. Best Moment: Charlie's death and his character going full-circle, from broken drug-addict to hero.
1. The Constant (Season 4, Episode 5) Without a doubt, The Constant is the best episode of television that I could ever ask for. Without actually having too much to do with the story, The Constant does what Lost does best: create amazingly heartfelt, deep character moments. This episode is full of them, as Desmond's conciousness jumps back and forth through time and space, when all he needed was to talk to Penny to save his life. Love conquers all, indeed. Best Moment: The entire Desmond-Penny phone call near the end.
Best Characters
5. Daniel Farraday The bumbling psyicist often provided for great drama whenever on screen. Crazy hair, speech, and scientific mumbo-jumbo there was something inherently charming about him and his love for the fiery redhead Charlotte. He obviously had fun explaining time-travel, even if nobody had any idea what he was talking about.
4. Benjamin Linus The creepiest, most manipulative and cold character that resided on the island, from Henry Gale to Benjamin Linus, there were so many moments that you forced you to like the leader of the mysterious others. His story, tragic, shows that everyone starts good until something bad happens to them. A common thread for many Lost characters, but his echo'd that sentiment the most.
3. James "Sawyer" Ford Without Sawyer, how much fun would this show have been? A perfect mix of comedic relief, bad-asserery, and pathetic-ness, Sawyer's character was probably the one that grew the most throughout the show. His love for Juliet was heartwarming, and the nicknames were often times the highlight of underwhelming episodes. Sawyer is consensus fan favorite and rightfully so.
2. John Locke Locke was the best character throughout Lost's best seasons, one and two, and brought the aura of mystery better than any other character. The way Terry O'Quinn was able to play Locke's character as a sad old man, bad ass hunter-gatherer, and even smoke monster was nothing short of remarkable. Even though his character had a sad end, he was one of the most memorable character to grace the small screen.
1. Desmond Hume Did any other character feel more real than Desmond? The drunken Scotsman went through time for love and raced around the world for his one and only Penny. His heart-brokenness for his lost love echoes "the one that got away" better than almost any love story ever seen on TV. What will always be remembered about Desmond, besides his catchphrases, is his humanity in a extremely strange universe.
Top 5 Unanswered Questions
5. How were Ben and Widmore able to return to the Island, when they said they wouldn't be able to return?
4. What was the point of Ben/Widmore's war that took up much of Season 5? What were these rules they kept mentioning?
3. What was the point of The Temple characters that were introduced and took up so much time at the beginning of Season 6?
2. Why was Sayid with Shannon in the church in the end, instead of Nadia whom he had been spending his entire life trying to find?
1. What was the point, really, of having Jin and Sun having a baby? Wouldn't their story have been better if that plot device was never introduced?
Ever fantasized about just yelling at someone til their head fell off? Ever imagine doing it to an umpire but lack the athletic ability to even make a play that would be considered slightly debatable? Well, lucky for you I'm starting a new segment. It's called Drunk Guy Yelling At.....Over the passing of time, I will have my Drunk alter ego yell at tons of different authority figures. But let's get to it, this is Drunk Guy Yells At...A Baseball Game.
Guy: Man, it's a fucking GREAT day to be at the ballpark! Get my drink on, hit on some hotties, and fucking watch some grown hit balls around like my girl Janelle on the nights she lets me get weird. Man, Wrigley's so great, sun is shining, honey's beaming. Oh yeah, it's gonna be a great fucking day!
(7 Beers Later...)
Guy: Ah, whatever, your tits are too small anyway. I should get back to watching the game, what inning is it? Shit, i think I just spilled beer on that kid.
Guy: I PAID $7 FOR THAT BEER, YOU LITTLE BITCH! IF YOU WERE LEGAL TO RAPE, I'D POLITELY CONSIDER IT! Hey, you got a cigarette? THEN FUCK YOU, I'LL SMOKE WHERE I WANT. I HOPE YOUR TEETHING IS VERY PAINFUL!
Guy: God, I need to get it together. Where am I again? Oh right...the fluckin' Cubs game. What's the score?
Guy: The Cubs are losing?! The Cubs never lose, it must be the Umps fault. HEY UMP! YOUR MOM COULD MAKE THAT CALL BETTER ON A PAYPHONE! Ha I'm hilarious. I'm hungry, I should eat something. HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY!....
(7 minutes later)
Guy: HOT DOG GUY!
Hot Dog Guy: What can I get you?
Guy: Can I get some pizza?
Hot Dog Guy: I'm the hot dog vendor.
Guy: I SAID PIZZA ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE! FUCK YOU!
(pukes on kid in front of him)
Guy: WHY'D YOU GET IN THE WAY OF MY PROJECTILE YOU LITTLE WHORE?! THAT WAS AN EPIC PUKE AND YOUR TESTICLE HEAD GOT IN THE WAY!
PA Announcer: Now batting for the Cubs, Starlin Castro.
Guy: WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?! HEY CASTRO, YOU LOOK LIKE MY MOM ADOPTED YOUR DAD AND HAD SEX WITH HIM WHILE EATING LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD! (nudges guy next to him) AM I RIGHT? HUH? YEAH I'M FUCKING RIGHT, OF COURSE I'M RIGHT! THEY SHOULD BRING BACK FUCKIN' RYNE SANTOBERG! MAN, I"VE GOT TO PEE WORSE THAN THAT KID WITH THE FUCKIN' PUKE ON HER. HEY KID! CLEAN YOURSELF OFF YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
(kid cries)
Guy: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shit, the crowd's cheering. WHOOOOO GO CUBS! HEY, GUY NEXT TO ME, REMEMBER WHEN THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES A FEW YEARS AGO?
Other Guy: That was the White Sox.
Guy: Then why was I so excited then? Ahh, whatever. Oh shit, security's coming. TIME TO FUCKING BOOK!
Guy: WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT, UMP? NEVER SEEN A MAN THONG? I GOT IT ON SALE FOR $4.99 AT KOHLS DOUCHEHOLE! WHOOOO!!
(Is tackled by large security guard, ruptures spleen while air guitaring to "Turn My Swag On" while standing on the pitcher's mound)
Guy: Ow! TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, JOSE LIMA, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!
Mother's Day is one of those holidays. But they certainly deserve it...more so than their kids, usually. But kind of mom do you have? Is she a crazy alcoholic? A tame homebody? Either way, you love your mom. How do you know which booze to buy your mom for Mother's Day? Well, I've put together a handy little guide that should steer you towards a successful Mother's Day gift. Mother's Day Shopping at the Liquor Store.
Beer Class. If Your Mom Is... She's an old school lady. Oh, she enjoys to let the good times roll, alright. She has beer mugs, not wine glasses. Amaretto? What the hell is that?, she'll say. She'll be watching the game with her boys, just one of the guys in actuality. Good marrying material? Eh, probably not. But that doesn't mean she's not good in the sack ALL NIGHT LONG. For other guys I mean. Not for her kids, that'd be gross.
Wine What Every Mom Should Strive to Be If Your Mom Is... A classy woman, indeed. She just wants to pop open a bottle of red and turn on Celebrity Apprentice. Maybe she doesn't go out as much as she used to, but that's ok: those days are behind her. Not only is wine classier, it has more alcohol. And if she has the wine glasses that my mom has, then its more than enough to polish off a bottle (or two) on the right night (Tuesday-Sunday).
Vodka/Gin/Rum Kanye Raised You, Bitch If You're Mom Is... Clearly, this woman has lost all inhibition. If your mom is still drinking clear alcohol, then she is likely an alcoholic. Years of child-rearing have worn her out to the point where she just doesn't give a crap anymore. The only reason she still takes her kids to the park is because her flask sets off the metal detector at the library. And nobody reads. Except for this, hopefully. Nothing wrong with a woman who likes her martinis. It's just that she's probably a boozy hooker-like woman.
Tequila/Whiskey/Something Stronger You Should Probably Make Up For Being On the Cover, Anyway.... If Your Mom Is... Borderline insane. What MOM drinks tequila or whiskey? That's a man's drink, honey. Here's the kind of woman that you meet and she sips whiskey, seems awesome, and is great in the sack. You know how those women end up? Crazy. They know your e-mail password, take every word you say out of context, and blow up if you pet her dog the wrong way. If she wants whiskey, you should buy her Xanax instead and crush it up into her oatmeal.
Weed Perfection If Your Mom Is... Cool. Your mom is super cool. Buy her a gram and turn on her old Janis Joplin records or whatever hippies listened to, light up a J and turn on Spongebob. Happy Mother's Day? Oh yeah, that's a Happy Anyone's Day.
Hey oh Hey oh, welcome back to the segment that most of know, love, cherish, and sometimes touch yourself to, the Mailbag! This month is a special mailbag, The Maylbag will consist only of questions regarding sex. Oh yeah. Sex. And alcohol. Be about it. Now, if you'll excuse the introduction, it's time to get down to business. Here's the Sexy May Maylbag. As always, these are real questions from fake readers. Onward!
Q: If you could be one body part during sex, what would you be? --D. Bryant's Mom, Dallas, TX. A: Hmmm. I think I would be one of the kneecaps. Think about it: you get to see everything that's going on. Although I do have bad knees so it might hurt to be a knee. Ugh. Maybe I'd be a boob. That's pretty much been my dream anyway.
Q: What would be better place to have sex: firing range or hood of a Lamburghini? --Z. Braff, Oakland, CA. A: In the moment, it has to be the firing range. There is just something that turns people on being in a firing range, let me tell you. They get that rush of adreneline from shooting the gun. Shooting that paper guy wettens the pussy. Trust me. (Ed.'s Note: Trusting Michael is misguided and dangerous. Do not trust him.)
Q; Is there any way to turn sex into a drinking game? HELP! --B. Levinson, Phoenix, AZ. A: Well that is just a brilliant idea, isn't it? Let's set it up like this: it'd have to be shots, because, unless you're Sting, sex probably won't last much longer than a half-hour, if that. Take a shot every time you switch positions. Take a shot every time the girl orgasms. Take a shot every time something unusual in introduced (this is entirely up to you, as to what is unusual. I'm not a judger, I'm a smudger. Uhhhh...) And finally, take two shots for every time someone else's name is screamed during sex. That's always the funnest thing. You'll need the booze if that happens.
Q: When is it OK to go from ass-to-mouth? I only ask because people poop out of their butts and I just watched "The Human Centipede." --Koko the Monkey, San Diego, CA. A: I certainly didn't need to know anything about your poop but thanks. I say there's nothing wrong with almost any sexual act as long as it's consensual and I don't have to watch fat people do it. But that's just me.
Q: Recently, I saw Jay Cutler out a bar in the city when I was with my girlfriend. That being said, who would be the worst athlete that you a significant could ever cheat on you with? --B. Rapelsberger, Pittsburgh, PA. A: I suppose if you have to be cheated on, it's at least a good story for your girl to do it with a professional athlete. Does Tony La Russa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, count? Cause if it does, then it's him by a million miles. That or Joakim Noah. Really? Noah? Why didn't you just cheat on me with a mustached lesbian?
Q: I was thinking about perhaps the Cubs one day winning the World Series and a thought crossed my head: Would I even want to drink during it? Wouldn't you want to recall every feeling, every emotion as the team has tortured you for so long? --J Cochran, HeavenOrHell A: Or you could make one of the best moments in the history of your sports fandom even better by a little beer and whiskey. I think that'd be pretty boring not to. If the Cubs won the World Series, the entire city might literally stop working for a week just to get hammered and drink away the 3 billion years it took to actually win it. God I hate the Cubs. But I love them. Fuck them though.
Q: I just had dinner at your mom's house. Let's just say she cooked some good sausage. --T. Woods, Helena, MT. A: My mom has a dick? Sounds like the jokes on you, buddy!
Q: What would you least want to be walked in on: masturbating, giving oral sex, or drinking alone? --J. Appleseed, Hartford, CT. A: Seeing as how this is a blog about drinking, I've already gotten caught drinking alone and in my family thats like drinking water. I think I'd least want to get caught masturbating. At least oral sex, you're not a loser, pleasing someone else and all. Masturbating, you're just sitting there by yourself playing with yourself...you should be ashamed of yourself.
Q: Which branch of military in the world would you most want to drink with? --B. Mac, Deadville A: Do I get to do it in that country? If so, then the Brazilian National Guard in Rio. If not, then it'd the South Korean Border Patrol. That must be the most boring job of all time. I'd like to cheer them up a little bit.
Q: What are the Top 5 Worst Things A Guy Could Hear From A Girl Say During Sex? --K. Cattrall, New York , NY. A: Yikes. OK. 5. "Is that it?" 4. "Wait...are you sure it's in?" 3. "It's ok, it happens to alot of guys" 2. "That's OK, you can stop." 1. "IMPREGNATE ME!"
Q: How bad does a country have to be to not wanna tell anyone you had sex with a girl from it? --B. Urlacher, Spokane, WA. A: I'm not sure, I think I'd say the girl's race no matter where she was from, just for the novelty of it. Like, how many people do you know have had sex with a Mongolian girl? Probably none, that's how many.
Q: My girlfriend recently dumped me. How do I get back in the game after so long and get after it again? --G. Cooper, Fon Du Lac, WI. A: As I do with most questions that "come in," I suggest you get hammered and have some meaningless sex.
Q: There is a hot Latino girl in my building. She looks early 20s and she comes home drunk an awful lot. Anyways, I'm a single dad and she keeps waking up my kids on Saturday night. What should I do about this? --J. Smith, Boston, MA. A: First of all, if you pass up the chance to sleep with this drunk Latina girl in her 20s I will kill myself. If you really want her to shut up on Saturday night, alot of girls enjoy being gagged or choked. I hate your kids and I hate you. SLEEP WITH THIS WOMAN ALREADY.
Q: What is the least fruity fruit to put in beer or cocktails? --J. Leno, New York NY. A: I've never been a supporter of fruit-in-beer but if I had to pick one it would be pineapple. Find someone you hate. Throw a lime at someone and see if it hurts, then throw a pineapple at someone and see if it hurts. I think you will be more satisfied with the pineapple.
Q; My boyfriend is on his iPhone ALL THE TIME. No matter what we're doing, it seems like he's always on another App, checking sports scores, or whatever. EVEN RIGHT AFTER SEX! How do I get him to put down the phone more and pay attention to meeeee? --J. Mayer, Arlington Heights, IL. A: Have you tried the iPhone? It's delightful. It's got music, apps, and all the ammenities of a regular phone. Your phone is probably a POS. DON'T JUDGE THE SEXINESS OF THE IPHONE. I suggest you get a Kindle so that you can read in front of him. I suspect he will become so annoyed that he will put down the iPhone and start having more sex with you. That's right folks. The secret to getting ass is buying a Kindle.
Q: So when you're out and drinking alot, you're gonna have alot of beer, which is a bit of a pooper-instigator. What's the protocol on pooping at a girls house if it's your first time hooking up? --D. Patrick, Indianapolis, IN. A: Ahh, the hook-up poop. Is there a worse poop? Not only do you have to poop in a girl your about to hook up with's toilet, but you have to make sure there's no evidence, visible or olfactory wise. It's a nightmare poop. But it's better than pooping in the bar bathroom. Ugh. You can decide between Venereal Disease or embarrassment. Herpes or no sex. Poop in her pooper, spray some Lysol, and pray to god she doesn't have to go herself.
Q: How come overage girls are allowed to swoon over the underage Justin Bieber and have it not seem creepy but if an overage guy was doing it about Miley Cyrus or some other underage celebrity chick, it'd be just plan creepy? If women want equality in the workplace, schools, and homes, why shouldn't they be subjected to the same societal taboos that men are? Fuck this. --O. Winfrey, Ft. Lauderdale, FL. A: Good point. Isn't Justin Bieber a lesbian? That's what I always thought. I believe there was a South Park episode about this type of thing. The kids reported that their little brother was having sex with his teacher and all the cops just said "niceee." It's unfortunate that girls are allowed to feel this way, but it is creepy that they do. They can get away with it more, but it's still CREEPY AS FUCK to be swooning over a 17-year old who is JUST NOW going through puberty. So even if most people think it's not creepy, it still is. It's very weird and creepy. I'd like to punch that kid in the vagina for his crappy music.
Q: How unacceptable is it to get drunk at a WNBA game and constantly scream "IT"S LADIESSSSSSSS NIGHT!"? I mean, there aren't THAT many kids there. --Bro, LA, CA. A: Hell, if you had to go, I guess that'd be the way to do it. Although I'd rather just stay at home, get drunk, and make witty comments about how ESPN has an hilarious new sitcom called "Women's Sports."
Q: What would be a better story: having sex outside in a thunderstorm and getting hit by lightning or having a threesome with two Playboy Playmates in the Grotto? --H. Hefner, San Bernardo, CA. A: My dick is like LIGHTNING! Yes, definitely the thunderstorm. I don't think I've ever heard of a better way to die. "Here Lies Michael Dolan, who died mid-coitus from a lightning strike." Best tombstone ever.
Q: How long does pubic hair have to be for it to be acceptable to refuse to give oral sex? --N. Armstrong, Space. A: My philosophy is that if it's longer/hairier than yours, you can judge it any way you want to. It's not your fault their lazy. Who wants hair in their mouth? It should be enough that you're willing to give oral sex to someone, it shouldn't involve venturing through the enchanted forest. Shave your fucking private parts, people.
Q: I heard you're having some mad sex tonight. How unacceptable is it for couples to talk about their sex lives to their single friends? Is it just plain annoying? --L. Machido, UFC Center. A: Listen, an active healthy sex life is very normal for any couple to have. But that's probably who should have it. Your friends don't want to hear about you having sex 2-3 times a day, everyday, even if I accidently say it somehow. It's probably annoying, but you know who's more annoying? Friends who're complaining about not getting laid.
Check out my YouTube channel at Dolan's YouTube Channel or you can E-Mail Me at mdolan2@gmail.com.
My other blog, a movie review website, is located at Two Thumbs Down. Come over and enjoy occasionally.
"See....the crying, this is why I broke up with you."
Yes, Like That.
That Guy's Got the Right Idea
Who Are Those People?
STUPID STUPID STUPID!
Class.
What Every Mom Should Strive to Be
Kanye Raised You, Bitch
You Should Probably Make Up For Being On the Cover, Anyway....
Perfection
