Love is Watching Brett Favre Fail. And Sex. Lots and Lots of Sex.

Now that the massive skankbag attention whore Brett Favre has failed, Conan is off the Late Show, and I begin the hell that is marathon training, we all can revert back to bitching about stupid things like Miley Cyrus being a slut and how bad Taylor Swift's new song is. (What? Don't people bitch about those things?) Anyways, I like writing things. Funny things. This is pretty funny, what I'm about to write here. What if TV Shows did spin-offs that we're crazy alcoholic and offensive? FIND OUT MOTHAFRACKERS! Alcoholic TV-Spin Offs

How I Divorced Your Mother
Starring: Tiger Woods, his kids, Bob Saget as the narrator
Spin-Off Of: How I Met Your Mother
The Plot: An alcoholic Tiger Woods, now 260 pounds, tells the kids the story of how he met their mother and what led up to their tragic divorce. The show is much like "Entourage" except that....he's married. That doesn't stop Tiger from becoming a hero, goat, then eventually hero again when he wins his next golf tournament. Also stars John Daly as Tiger's wingman. Laugh track included because it's hilarious. Or something.
Preview: "NEXT WEEK.....TIGER FUCKS BITCHES!"


The Biggest Boozer
Starring: Mel Gibson, Mickey Rourke, Those Chicks On the Sweden Team from Beerfest that were drinking in almost nothing.
Spin-Off Of: The Biggest Loser
The Plot: Much like "Inside the Actors Studio," Gibson and Rourke sit in front of a classroom, drinking scotch, and talking about the annihilation of all minorities. Shown on NBC's "Nobody Watches This Network Now, Anyways" Tuesday Night line-up, right before Leno, there are in-depth arguments as to the destruction of the Jewish people, how to get out of DUI's, and the intricacies of a good bar fight. Rourke says brass knuckles, Gibson says knife attached to boot. By the end of each show, they won't remember they were even there! And neither will the 6 people watching!
Preview: The Season 1 Finale...


Sexter
Starring: Charlie Sheen, Jack Nicholson, Paula Abdul
Spin-Off Of: Dexter
The Plot; Sex addicts Sheen and Nicholson become obsessed with becoming the first to take sultry celebrity Paula Abdul's virginity. In-between trying to hook-up with Abdul, the two buddies learn valuable life lessons such as the power of rum, beer, cocaine, and penicillin. The show, shown on CBS' Wednesday night Drama Line-Up, also focuses on the two trying to learn how to become the best they can be at Sexting. Three thousand girls guest star as former sex partners of Sheen and Nicholson. Far fetched, right?
Preview: Who WOULDN'T center a show around this?!


Rye & Porter: Awesome Vices Unit
Starring: Colin Farrell, Enya, Liam Neeson
Spin-Off Of: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
The Plot: Three Irish Cops and the missions they encounter--off duty! They all frequent a bar called Mickey O'Dolanihan's in central Dublin--OHIO! They all drink large amounts of Rye Whiskey and Porter Brew. Neeson looks for his daughter that has been dead for ten years every episode by using a pool cue as a gun. Enya sings karaoke after 6 whiskeytini's and Colin Farrell hits on all the customer's girlfriend's while slurring something about how he's Alexander the Greatest. Bono guest stars as an interventionist who the three kill.
Preview: "I says OI ! hows boot a saquel ta S.W.A.T?!"


Flight from ParoleBoads
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Andy Dick, Gary Coleman
Spin-Off Of: Flight of the Conchords
The Plot: The shows chronicles of how three drunks attempt to escape out of the drunk tank and avoiding their third DUI conviction by fleeing to Mexico. FOX bills it as "PRISON BREAK mixed with IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA except it sucks!" Andy Dick continuously mistakes Coleman for a small child and attempts to molest him. Downey Jr. thanks god that he got sober and was cast in Iron Man. Can he lay off the booze? Is this premise really that far fetched? TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!! The three talk in New Zealand accents to blend in to the Mexican desert--or so they think.
Preview: "What ARE you talking about, William?"


Binge
Starring: Jack Bauer, Liz Lemon, Michael Scott, and John Locke
Spin-Off Of: Fringe
The Plot: The show explores TV's most famous characters--if they turned to binge drinking instead of their fictional professions! Jack Bauer gets fat and forgets how to beat up anything besides his liver! Liz Lemon becomes a martini addict and actually becomes a better writer but continuously throws up on her laptop when she's about to save her work! Michael Scott becomes a stand-up comedian and gets super famous! John Locke sits inside and feels sorry for himself all day in his Island-themed home! Barney Stinson does the same things as always: suits up, hits ass, and takes names like it ain't a THANG! Also, they all have sex with Liz Lemon and try and squeeze her into their drink. (Haha get it? Because she's named "Lemon"!)
Preview: Who drinks out of a pineapple continuously? SPONGE-BOB SQUAREPANTS!"


Hope you enjoyed my mindless diatribe! See you next timeeeeeeee!

You're a Hot Mess. But Since It's Fiction, It's Adorable

Now that we've got all that lovey-dovey stuff out of the way, we can go back to talking about what you all love: getting smashed and being stupid. And of course, I'm happy to be your lovely guide throughout the process. The more you live, the more you find irony hilarious. Others people's misfortunes are indeed funny, depending on the severity, especially when they are in the spotlight. Who do we love because they are crazy stupid? These lovely starlets that have bravely chosen a life of boozing and drugs rather than take the cowardly route of following social norms. Even though they are fake, they are tragically hilarious. Who are these alcoholics? They are the 6 Best Female Alcoholic TV Characters of the Decade


6. Karen Walker
Portrayed By: Megan Mullally
TV Show: Will & Grace
Hot Mess Characteristics: I haven't seen very much of this show. But I know a few friends who loved the show that mentioned her alcoholic goodness, so I watched a clip of her on YouTube and wha-la! It's enough to make my extra special list. Her one liners and sarcastic, patronizing attitude made her one of, if not the show's most popular characters. Booze often fuels her quirks throughout the show. Again, I can't write a whole diatribe since I haven't seen much, but from what I can gather, she was a boozy quirkster. Those are me faves.
Karen Walker's Best Moments


5. Meredith Palmer
Portrayed By: Kate Flannery
TV Show: The Office (U.S. Version)
Hot Mess Characteristics: Meredith is a full-blown alcy. She drinks during work, is always drunk at the parties, and is a bit of a floozy. Everybody's favorite "Red-Headed Slut" is a shot of life in a, overall, non-party group. Although she may not even be the third or fourth best character in the show, she makes the most of her moments, like Creed, by delivering them with such good deadpan. Pretty much all she talks about in the show is sex and drinking, even if it's not obvious, and she would make either a partier proud or a AA sponson cringe. Every office has one. But THE Office's alcoholic skankstress wins a spot on my top 6.


4. Marsha Klein
Portrayed By: Julia Deakin
TV Show: Spaced
Hot Mess Characteristics: Although barely any of you have seen the British hit TV show, you really should. It stars the writers/stars and director of "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz," which were basically sprung from this show. Marsha, the landlord in the apartment where most of the series takes place, is a chain-smoking wino that is constantly popping in to have a "splash" of vino. Occasionally, she ends up flat on her face. Every episode of the short series, Marsha is polishing off some wine and taking a drag. And with all that rain and bad weather in London, who can blame her?


3. Jordan Sullivan
Portrayed By: Christa Miller
TV Show: Scrubs
Hot Mess Characteristics: Egotistical, diabolical, and just plain mean, Dr. Cox's evil ex-wife/wife from Scrubs drops in at numero tres. Whether it's not being late for Cougar Night or just being a hospital ho (copyrighted, TWC, Inc), Jordan brings out the worst in everyone. And that's what most drunks do. At least, after they've been drunks for a long time. Although the show is semi-over, nobody can forget the brunette boozette of Sacred Heart Hospital.



2. Dee Reynolds
Portrayed By: Kaitlin Olson
TV Show: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Hot Mess Characteristics: Oh, Sweet Dee. Although basically everyone at Paddy's Pub is basically a huge boozehound, they have to have their houndress. And in Sweet Dee, they've found her. Getting drunk is half the show's premise, and Ms. Reynolds displays all the tendencies of an alcster: egotistical, selfish, angry, and unhealthy. But Goddamnit if she isn't the funniest damn blonde on TV. Even though she'll never hold a candle to Charlie in terms of comedy (few TV characters can), her narcissistic, boozy behavior is unlike any woman we've seen on TV.



1. Lucille Bluth
Portrayed By: Jessica Walter
TV Show: Arrested Development
Hot Mess Characteristics: There can be no doubt. In what has to be the greatest comedy of the decade, we have our number one alcoholic female. The mother of the selfish, moronic, and preposterously hilarious Bluth family, Lucille rarely is waddling around without a martini glass in hand. She's drunk in the morning, she's drunk at parties, she's drunk at work. Hell, she's probably drunk right now even though she's fictional. Disagree you may, but Ms. Bluth certainly is the most experienced, funniest, and definitely the biggest boozer of the bunch. Congrats to her. Now only if they could get that movie made.



There it is. The best in lady drinking. No cosmos or sex on the beaches for these ladies. You may disagree, you may ask "Why is there no Samantha from Sex in the City on this?" To you people, I must say that I haven't, contrary to popular belief, seen every TV show of the last ten years. (Sex in the City, especially) But I'm pretty confident in my concrete list of floozy drunkardettes. No one denies this? Good. I'll be back shortly enough to give you the male version. Until then, aur revoir madamoiselles. (Is that right? I didn't even have to look it up if it is.)