Things Better Than Drinking (OR "A Very Short List")

I've recently decided to take a break from drinking for a while, so although I'll need to derive inspiration from elsewhere, I will have an extremely clear head. As my liver cries tears of joy, I've come up with a short list here about things to do that are better than drinking. Obviously, this list won't be very long. 6 Activities that are Better than Drinking.

Beat a Superior Opponent in a Fight
Furry Vengeance
Why It's Better than Booze: Although fighting is usually caused by booze, sober brawls have been known to happen from time to time. Sometimes you may find yourself in a fight with a stronger, obviously superior individual. No worries. Just think about how good you'll feel about yourself if you win. And, more importantly, how the women around will feel about you. That's got to be better than drinking, right?

Attend a Nude Beach (or anywhere with nude women, really)
Or Any Beach in Brasil
Why It's Better than Booze: Besides all the dingle-dangle, nude beaches have to be a gas. Not just for the exposed boobies and beaver, but for the pure hilarity of ugly people with no shame. Also....there are boobs. ALL OVER THE PLACE. If heaven exists, it is an all-Brazilian girls and me nude beach. Just imagine....even playing volleyball would give you a boner. Think of the jumping!

Road Trip
Laugh, But He's Getting More Bitches than Me
Why It's Better than Booze: There's rarely a better feeling than saddling up with your buddies and hitting the open road. Granted, driving is pretty boring. But the adventure of just getting there and all the stops on the way have to be a fun time. The hijinks, the rocking out, the girlfriend giving you a handjob while your friends are asleep--does it get any better than that? I THINK NOT GOOD SIR!

Getting Friends Laid
Pictured: A Very, Very Good Friend
Why It's Better than Booze: It surely isn't as satisfying as getting yourself laid, but knowing you wingman'd a brother in need straight into a fresh vagina and/or penis is a wonderful feeling. Plus, unless they're a douche, they'll likely return the favor one day. Seeing how happy your friend is the next day after getting laid--especially if he was on a cold streak--is a thing more beautiful than the Mona Lisa and the statue of David put together.

Fuck Bitches, Get Money
Don't Learn The Hard Way Like Tiger Had To
Why It's Better than Booze: Getting money--either through accomplishment or gambling or whatever--is a great thing, maybe the best of things. After all, if you don't "get money" how will you pay for booze? Exactly, you won't. AND THEN YOU'LL BE SOBER FOREVER. So disregard females for a while and acquire currency. Then, when you can drink, you can get bottle service and look like a straight up PIMP.

Get Money, Fuck Bitches
Leo knows it: You're Paying for Sex, One Way or the Other
Why It's Better than Booze: After you've gotten the money, and you still can't or don't want to drink, it's time to get laid. That's right, getting laid is better than anything ever, even the best high or drunk you've ever felt. People claim that ecstacy and cocaine can be a better feeling, but these people are stupid. Sticking your penis into a vagina is the greatest feeling imaginable. This is why mountains have been moved, wars have been fought, strip clubs/prostitutes exist, and men strive for excellence--in the end, it's mostly for ass. So you can't drink? SO WHAT! Go find a willing vagina/butt to stick your penis in and get drunk of the moment.

You're Gonna Have to Speak Up, My Penguin Can't Hear You (And Other Nonsense)

I had this blog before, you see. Over the summer, for one reason or the other, I lost interest. Now that I'm single, football is ending, and my short writing career has seemingly ended, I think it's time to rejuvenate my alcoholic musings on life, drinking, and the American way. I've been out of the game so it'll be interesting to see how hard my creativity boner remains (judging by that = not well). But today, I BLOG AGAIN. About what, you say? How about 5 Ways To Make Boring Bars Fun

5. Drinking Games
Dibs
What To Do: Drinking games are like sex: if you're not doing it, you're sober or married. Or both, in many cases. Sometimes, you need a good drinking game to spice things up. If you're not having a good time while out, getting drunk is usually a good option. Drinking games accelerate that. Just make sure you're not playing beer pong in the on top of the bar. Even dive bars may frown upon that.
Options: Asshole, Irish Poker, Circle of Death, Drink Whiskey Until Someone Pukes

4. Refine Your Skillz
Not Pictured: Game
What To Do: Boring bars usually are boring because there is a lack of females present. Well, you know what they say: practice makes perfect. So pick out the least disgusting thing there and hit on them. Charm them and help out an average-to-ugly friend get some. They'll love you forever and probably buy you drinks the rest of the night, thus making your night less boring.
Options: "Hey cutie, that's an extra sexy snaggletooth you got there. See my friend over there? He's a great dentist."

3. Make Sad People Happy
Clearly, James Van Der Beek Was Seeing His Future Right Here
What To Do: Spot a random stranger. See them slumping over the bar or fighting with their girlfriend? THEY HATE THEIR LIFE RIGHT NOW. Go up to them (ignoring their girlfriend....or boyfriend, depending on the attractiveness of the girl) and ask them if they want a drink. Buy them a freakin Grey Goose Martini or something. Don't even tell them why. Just walk away and don't talk to them for the rest of the night. That'll be the highlight of their night. Be the highlight. YOU ARE THE TOP PLAY ON SPORTSCENTER, REVEL IN YOUR GOOD DEEDINESS!
Options: (Guy is alone and sad or with girlfriend, looking sad) "Looks like you're dating an overreaction in human form, I'd like to buy you a drink."

2. Beat That Jackass Playing Darts in Darts and Buy Him a Shot of Crappy Booze
Or a Cheeseburger with Tartar Sauce
What To Do: Every crappy bar has one: a guy playing darts that just won't stop playing and let you play. Emasculate him. Make him feel like if he doesn't play you he's a woman. Tell him he plays darts like he's aiming for his penis. Who cares if it makes sense? It sounds insulting. Even if you lose to the guy, buy him a shot of Montezuma or crappy Brandy. It's irrelevant, really. If you win, rub it in and you may ruin that guy's entire weekend. Isn't that AWESOME?!
Options: "I just came up here to ask you to play a round of darts because I've always wanted to play against someone who's in a Nursing Home League."

1. Duh, Get Fucked Up
Gonna Let That Irish Baby Out-Drink You?
What To Do: If you're reading this blog (still), you clearly know how to get drunk. Order shots, imply your drinks are weak so your next one is strong, look at the highest ABV on the menu. IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS, PEOPLE! You're at a boring bar and not driving? Well, get hammered and who knows what might happen. You might wake up wearing a diaper with a hot girl wearing her Denny's uniform in a room smelling like pancakes. DARE TO DREAM BIG (AFTER DRINKING BIG).
Options: "I'll have six shots of whiskey and whatever my friends want." (Sees semi-fat blonde eyeing him across the bar) "Ehh....better make that seven."

How to Enjoy the World Cup If You Don't Like Soccer

The World Cup is the most global of all events. More people watch the World Cup than any other sporting event. It promotes national pride and unites fellow countrymen for a solid month. But loads of Americans (read: most) find soccer boring. Well, I'm not here to try and convert you into full-time soccer fanatics--but enjoying the World Cup has it's advantages. That's why I've put together a little list to help you enjoy. 6 Ways Soccer Haters Can Enjoy the World Cup.


Watch It In a Bar
Shout-Out to Where I Watch Soccer: The Globe Pub in Chicago. Over 100 Types of Beers!
Advantage: Nothing makes boring things fun like drinking. And soccer, if nothing else, is a great excuse to drink in the morning. I've had a few 8 AM pints to go along with the game and it can take the edge clean off. Most soccer bars in the USA are run by English/Irish ex-pats and have quite the variety of beer at decent prices. Bars will be PACKED during the World Cup. It's one thing to watch it alone at home, but you can feel the tension of an entire nation inside a bar--and it's rather contagious.

Pick a Side
Like North Korea, If You're Feeling Controversial
Advantage: I used to be apathetic towards The Beautiful Game--until I picked a team. Let me tell you--when you are invested in a team, soccer is the most nerve-racking game ever. With every goal ridiculously important, every pass towards goal, every mistake is amplified so much that it makes the anticipation almost unbearable. Being invested in a team--even if it's just gambling on them--can make soccer go from a bore to a game of heart-attack inducing excitement.

Embrace the Controversy
God, I Hate France
Advantage: Soccer gossip is pretty much the same as celebrity gossip--shameful, unrelenting, and zooming in on EVERY. LITTLE. THING. It's part of how soccer can get so addicting. For women who love gossip, there's a little bit of everything. A player sleeping/impregnating with a teammate's girlfriend? Got that. Argentina reccomending their players get hookers on off-days to stay fresh? Check. Racism? Conspiracy Theories? Stampedes Outside the Stadium? Oh yes...there's all that. Chances are, especially since it's in the mildly-unstable, massively crowded South Africa, that there will be deaths of fans. Usually, in soccer, there is more drama off the pitch than there is on it.

Hate On Others
Well, Not THAT Hateful...
Advantage: I'm not condoning racism. But for me, I'm distraught over France's ousting of the Irish team, and will be loudly cheering against them forever and ever. It gives you a chance to cheer against douches--like North Korea for being communist. Maybe you hate Switzerland for always being neutral? Maybe you live in the 19th century and hate Mexicans for "ruining our country" or some lame crap? I suggest cheering against England. They believe it's their god-given right to win the World Cup. They write the USA off like we're a joke team that they will roll over. Cheer against pompousness. English people suck. After all, they fucked Ireland too. By trying to own them. Eff them. HARD.

Learn About Culture
Yes...Culture...
Advantage: Chances are you will hear quite a bit about the World Cup being in Africa during the month. All the African teams (Cameroon, Ghana, Ivory Coast, Algeria, Nigeria, and South Africa) will be magnified. These are countries that nobody knows anything about, besides maybe South Africa. What a great chance (for those that are interested) to see how important this game is to their culture. Didier Drogba, Ivory Coast's best player, has a beer named after him in his country. Also, during the last World Cup, while his country was in turmoil, he called for peace and to let soccer stand as a symbol for peace....and his people listened. The power to unite an entire nation, just for kicking a ball around.

US Pride
Pride: It's What's Hot
Advantage: If nothing else, support your country. It would be a massive achievement to beat a team like England or get far in the Cup. Whether or not you really care, it's still a matter of pride. People talk shit about USA soccer like it's their job--don't you want to defend your country? It's like the Olympics: you may not really care about the actual events, you just care if your country does well. So grab a pint, cheer on the USA, and wait--soccer is a much more beautiful game than you think. Maybe--just mabye--you'll get sucked in.

Leave Me Alone, I'm Drinking

Many people hear drinking alone and immediately say "alcoholic." Well, the blog doesn't share this view. Sometimes, drinking alone is necessary. When, you ask? OH! Well, I'm going to tell you. Perhaps it's not the happiest topic, but I my writing could make "2 and a Half Men" funny. So listen up, this is When Drinking Alone is OK.


After a Break-Up
"See....the crying, this is why I broke up with you."
Why It's OK: People are naturally sad after a break-up. There's lots of self-pity, tears, and mood swings during the immediate post-relationship period. Alcohol is oh-so-necessary to help you through the process but going out and meeting new people will only remind you of your ex. At least at first, it's best to wallow in that self-pity all by your lonesome. Throw on the Bryan Adams CD, sit in your underwear, and sip on a drink or ten as you get ALL your wallowing out of the way. I mean, your friends don't wanna hear your bitching. Get your ass on the couch and feel sorry for your drunken self!
You Should Drink: like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.

After a Traumatic Event
Yes, Like That.
Why It's OK: Every goes through trauma. Car accident, death in the family, dropping your entire bag of popcorn at the movie theatre. Whatever it is, you're gonna need to booze on through it. And if you're drinking with other people, all they're only going to tell you "Oh I'm so sorry, that looked delicious" and stuff like that. Well fuck that! You need to ditch your date and sit by yourself, sipping on your Movie Theatre Sized Margarita and dream of the buttery goodness you're missing out on.
You Should Drink: like Pac-Man Jones at a wine tasting.

When You're Struggling To Find An Answer
That Guy's Got the Right Idea
Why It's OK: Sometimes in life, we search for the unattainable answers. "What's my life's purpose?" "Did I let "the one" get away?" "Will I ever see my hot MILF neighbor changing through my bedroom window?" Life's too short to spend TOO much time thinking about such questions, so pour yourself a double and reflect. Creativity stems from alcohol abuse. Find your answer at the bottom of a bottle.
You Should Drink: more than Mel Gibson at a David Hasselhoff fiesta.

When You're Just Getting Out of Rehab
Who Are Those People?
Why It's OK: Whatever you were in rehab for, you owe it to yourself to reward your good behavior. Crack? Meth? Heroin? Well, you're going to need something to replace that eventually. You need to sit down by yourself and find out if that thing is alcohol. You know you've got an addictive personality, as you're just leaving rehab, so nobody is going to let you drink too heavily after getting out. That's why you need to do it alone. Avoid those party-pooping losers.
You Should Drink: like someone who was in rehab for alcohol abuse.

When Nobody Reads Your Blog
STUPID STUPID STUPID!
Why It's OK: Sometimes you pour your heart into something and it just doesn't work out for the best. So you started a blog and nobody reads it? It's OK. Maybe you have a solid head of hair? No, ummm...a good job? Ehem, anyways, maybe you should just not think about it. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and walk down the street. Maybe peeing on your neighbor's lawn will make you feel better? Maybe all that MILF neighbor needs is to see you naked first....
You Should Drink: like a soccer hooligan on her period.

Yes, I'm Pretty Sure That Nobody Reads These Long Titles, But They Stayin 'Cause I'm a Verbose Mofo, and Other Snobby Responses: The June Mailbag

The mailbag is back and it's heating up, both outside and in the mailroom. What do I mean? Oh, I just mean that the questions are getting more controversial, but not so controversial where I have to explain myself. But let's get down to it. The June Mailbag.


Q: What do you think of the Blackhawks doing so well, about to get a championship for your poor sports city?
--A. Pujols, St. Louis, MO.
A: I'm not the biggest hockey fan, but I do appreciate what they are doing for the city. I mean, I'm not going to start a Fantasy Hockey league but I will fair-weather fan it when they are playing well for the good of the city. After all, it's strange to see a sports team I like do well, being a Cubs fan and all.

Q; With the World Cup coming up, can you give us some pointers and possibly a drinking game for the tournament?
--Kaka, Brasilia, Brazil.
A: If you don't regularly watch soccer, then just sit back and enjoy without trying to understand it. If you enjoy that, then good. Look up the rules, because I'm not explaining soccer offsides to ANYONE. Here's a great drinking game for the World Cup:
--Do a shot for every goal.
--Drink two for every yellow card.
--Drink four for every red card.
--Drink one for every foul.
--Drink two for every word the announcers say that you are not familiar with.
--Drink every time they mention that the World Cup is in Africa.
--Drink every time the English announcers overrate the England team
You should be hammered from the last two alone.

Q: Say you're me. Say you have to chance to have sex with the girl of your dreams--not a celebrity--but you had to get chlamydia. Do I do it?
--J. Beam, Mobile, AL.
A: STD's are curable these days, aren't they? I say go for it, then get yourself some penicillin. Having chlamydia makes you sound like a hooker.

Q: What country would you say has the highest quality beer altogether?
--J. Foxx, LA, CA
A: What blog do you think you're at? Normally, I would say Ireland to anything that involves me picking a favorite. Unfortunately, besides Guinness, I don't find any other Irish beers to be that amazing. The Czech Republic and Belgium are both solid bets. I don't think I've ever had a bad Belgian or Czech beer.

Q: You've come home from a long day. You're extremely tired. What would you rather do: girl on top or get head?
--C. Bradshaw, NY, NY.
A: Girl on top. Granted, getting head is ALWAYS great. But girl on top is awesome. I just feel like girl on top is alot sexier than getting head. Sex is sex is sex is awesome. How old am I? (I'm over 18, ladies, that's all you need to know)

Q: Can you disprove three theories that women's magazine's think about men? Please, do it for us all.
--G. Lazenby, London, Eng.
A: "20 Shoes Men Love" (Cosmopolitan), "7 Signs He'll Never Marry You" (Cosmopolitan), "10 Sexy Sex and the City 2 Hairstyles" (Cosmo)
"20 Shoes Men Love"--I've never looked at a woman's shoes and said "Mmm that is hot." Black heels are fine with me and I don't really NEED anything else.
"7 Signs He'll Never Marry You"--It said "If your FB profile is limited" and "If his friends are distant." Listen, some people can't tag drunken pictures because they a) have jobs, b) are friends with relatives, c) don't want to seem like a douchebag. How bout spending time getting to know him instead of creeping on FB? And maybe, just maybe, his friends just don't like you. If he loves you enough, he would. Trust me, I've known plenty of guys/girls that would marry someone that didn't get along with their friends.
"10 Sexy Hairstyles"--There's no such thing as a sexy hairstyle from Sex and the City 2, since all the women are old/ugly.

Q: Which female celebrity would win a hot body/weird face contest?
--M. Broderick, Detroit, MI.
A: Uma Thurman. She's got a weird face but I find her strangely attractive all the same. As for the loser, it has to be Sarah Jessica Parker. Her face is so bad, I'd probably have a hard time not thinking about it in the pitch black dark. Ughhhhh.

Q: What is stupider: swimming in a pool while hammered or trying to climb a tree hammered? Keep in mind, there is beer up in the tree.
--M. Gibson, Las Vegas, NV.
A: Let's be honest: both are really, really fun. Not that I reccommend it to anyone or anything. I would have to say the stupider one is also the funner one: climbing a tree while hammered and drinking in a tree. Have you ever gotten drunk in a tree house?! FUCKING EPIC.

Q: Is there a protocol for drinking while your wife is pregnant? Obviously, she can't really drink at all. Are there any rules to this situation?
--S. Strasburg, Washington, DC.
A: I'm not sure there's an exact science to it. It depends how your wife is but I would stray away from drinking anymore than one single beer or one glass of wine. These are what nights out with friends are for--although you probably won't get many. If you really want/need to, then say you have to stay an extra hour for work and go to Happy Hour. Things like that. After all, there's nothing more important to a new marriage than lying about going out drinking after work when your wife's pregnant.

Q: Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper died this week. Can you give us some of your favorite moments from them, on screen or otherwise?
--K. Reeves, ?????
A: Gary Coleman? Was that the bald guy who used to play for the 76ers? As for Dennis Hopper, well, the man was awesome at playing weird villain types. The following two clips are probably my favorite:




Q: Quick--Dispel the myth that people go to Wrigley Field only to drink and party and not to watch the Cubs play baseball.
--G. Coleman, Seattle, WA.
A: I'm a die-hard Cubs fan but nobody can dispel this myth. Most people go to Cubs games to get drunk and have a good time. There are some, like myself, who go to watch the actual baseball game. But that doesn't mean I don't love Wrigley Field. Hell, besides them getting a real scoreboard, there's nothing wrong with it. So it's old? So is my Grandma, that doesn't mean I want to get a new one.

Q: The Subject: Lindsay Lohan. The Question: How many times do you have to wrap it?
--S. Monster, Lost Island.
A: More times than a Cuban cigar. I feel like having sex with Lindsay Lohan, at this point, would be like sticking your penis in a nuclear reactor--who knows how it will come out.

Q: Lee DeWyze is from your hometown and he won American Idol. Is he now the most famous person to ever live in your town?
--P. Hilton, Blogville.
A: No, one of the Spice Girls was born next door to me. Jackass.

Q: How drunk is too drunk for BBQ parties?
--S. Soo-Choo, Cleveland, OH.
A: Depending on the rationing of beer and if you're driving (be safe kids!), it doesn't matter. The hosts want to get rid of all the stuff, especially the crappy beer that your aunt bought two cases of just for herself when she can barely finish 2 bottles. Drink and eat up, that's what the summer is for. Well, that and watching Mexicans cut lawns. It's like an art form!

Q: What would you rather do: have a beer with Obama or a boxing match against him?
--S. Sosa, Santiago, Chile.
A: Instead of asking him about the economy or health care, I'd like to ask him how his FACE is doing after I smash it! Ha-HA! I actually don't have anything against Obama really, I just think it'd be pretty badass to fight a President. Especially since I'd lose.

Q: If you could go back in time and go to one party, which party would it be and why?
--R. Gould, Chicago, IL.
A: Any single one of Hugh Hefner's Birthday parties. It really is that simple. Silly bunny, tricks are for me. What? I don't know, let's move on.

Q: Who is the most annoying/your least favorite sports anchor on ESPN?
--S. Scott, Bristol, CN.
A: God damn it all if I don't hate Chris Berman but he's not even the winner. No, it has to be either Stephen A. Smith or Skip Bayless. What the hell is the matter with those guys? IF I NEEDED TO HEAR YOU TALK LOUDER, I'D TURN MY VOLUME UP. Put them in a room and let them argue together until one of them has a brain hemorrhage.

Q: What is the appropriate amount of drinking that you can do if your boss is present at a company event/happy hour? Conversely, when is it ok to drink at work, if ever?
--F. Lapidus, West Lafeyette, IN.
A: It's appropriate to keep pace with the boss. Depending on your job/boss, you don't want to be hitting on secretaries in front of him. He's got first dibs on them anyway. If the boss leaves work, then I'd say if you got a partner in crime, go for it. Especially if that person is hot. There's nothing hotter than a hot partner in a hot crime.

Q: Which animal would be the funniest to get drunk with if it could talk? The least funny?
--S. Kitison, Hell.
A: Penguins would just be slip sliddin' around. HAhAHAHA. Just imagine it. The least funny would probably be a cat. I hate cats, they're so droll.

Q: What if you hook up with an older lady and it lasts one night. You then meet a young girl and start dating her for a while. You meet her parents and OH! that older lady you hooked up with before you guys met is her mom--and she's still married to the girls dad. What is the appropriate reaction, if any, to this situation?
--J. Chamberlain, NY, NY.
A: That is one of the more awkward situations I've ever heard of. I don't know how that situation could end well, but you HAVE to stay in this relationship until the daughter finds out. Hell, just tell her. That is TOO GOOD of a story to not have. Imagine their reactions! Family dinners = never the same!

Unusual Alcohol-Related Deaths

Yo yo yo and hey hey hey, it's such a beautiful, beautiful day! Naturally, I've decided to write about death. I've compiled some unusually funny deaths that have had to do with alcohol and, through my eloquence and pure, unadulterated verbosity, you will find them as interesting as I do. Funny Drunk Deaths, let's do it.

George Plantagenet
Date/Age of Death: February 18, 1487 at the age of 28.
Cause of Death: Drowning
The Story: The young Irish Duke was going to be executed for some reason or another. Not to be outdone by his crazy torturers, the genius decided to trap himself in a barrel of wine, drowning in the process. Some believe his death inspired the phrase "like shooting a Duke in a barrel." Others disagree, and claim that anyone who thinks that is retarded...because that's not a real phrase. Not everyone is made to be intelligent, people.

London Beer Flood
Date/Age of Death: Nine people of various age died on October 17, 1814
Cause of Death: Eight drowned, one died of alcohol poisoning.
The Story: Sometime ago in jolly ole London, a rather large container of beer ruptured, spilling 323,000 gallons of beer out into the streets. This would've all been fine and good, except that it was in a poorer area of town where many apartments were situated in basements and underground. The beer flooded a few of these very apartments, where eight people drowned due to being knocked out from the force of the flood and drowning. Miraculously, one man survived this very same thing, but died of alcohol poisoning a few days later. Authorities blame his death on the flood, while some just saw he was hammered and wanted to go for a swim when he got home.

Dylan Thomas
Date/Age of Death: Died November 9, 1953 at the age of 39.
Cause of Death: Alcohol Poisoning or Pneumonia
The Story: Although likely false, folklore has provided us with a wonderful story that--if true--is more badass than dying because you were having sex while sky diving. Thomas was a huge alcoholic. One day, he walked into a bar and ordered something like 18-20 shots of whiskey. He did them CONTINUOUSLY and finished them all, rendering all your drinking accomplishments more moot than an empty soda can. He then lit up a cigarette, told the bartender "Thanks," and walked out of the bar. He then proceeded to pass out right in front of the bar and die of alcohol poisoning. DO NOT GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT. True words, never written. Gotta respect a man that lives by the words he writes. Except for me, I guess.

Tennessee Williams
Date/Age of Death: Died on February 25, 1983 at the age of 71.
Cause of Death: Choked
The Story: The famous American playwright was checking out of his hotel room when he choked to death on eyedrop bottle cap. He usually held the cap in between his teeth while using the eyedrops. The well-known alcoholic was apparently so drunk that he didn't even realize he was choking until it was too late. He remains the only person to die from choking on a eyedrop cap besides the Teenage Eyedrop Mass Suicide that he inspired in the late 80s. Since then, eyedrops are only used by teenage stoners who don't want their parents to realize they're high. Bitches can tell anyway, bro.

Jimmy Lee Gray
Date/Age of Death: September 2, 1983 at the age of 34
Cause of Death: Sentenced to Death By Gas Chamber
The Story: I'll spare you the reasons WHY Jimmy Lee was being executed, but his crimes warranted the gas chamber according to the state of Mississippi. He was seated in the chamber with a metal rod behind his head. The gas wasn't working as it was supposed, causing Jimmy Lee to spasm and bang his head against the rod and not die for around 10-15 minutes, an eternity in that situation. Mississippi was criticized heavily for the disturbing incident, deservingly so. What does this tale have to do with alcohol? Well, the executioner, on one of the very few days of his life that he would be killing someone in a complicated process, was hammered drunk throughout the execution. Like they say in Mississippi, "Beer's the only solution for workin' an execution."

A Bon Voyage to LOST

Like all great things, LOST must end. And end it has. Whether you loathed loved the finale, at least the ride there was something to cherish. So let me take you back and recap a few "Top 5..." lists regarding my favorite show, which I will miss like a friend. Here are The Top 5 Episodes, Characters, and Unanswered Questions from LOST. This will contain major SPOILERS.

Top 5 Episodes

5. Live Together, Die Alone (Season 2, Episode 23)
The season two finale, where we're introduced to Desmond's backstory, has probably some of the best action sequences, answers, and aura of mystery that the show has ever put on display. Locke's quest to not press the button with Desmond, and Jack's and the gang being led into The Others' trap were both stories that magnified the hopelessness of all these characters and their situation.
Best Moment: Desmond shining the light up the hatch onto a broken John Locke, giving both characters the hope they need to continue.

4. Ab Aeterno (Season 6, Episode 8)
Isn't it funny that the supporting cast's love stories were much more interesting and beautiful than the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle/puke-fest? Finally, Richard's background is explored, as we are given insight into the ageless wonder's life. It turns out he's only stuck on the island because he was trying to save his wife. It's heartbreaking, but also hopeful when Hurley finally helps Richard let go of his wife.
Best Moment: Hurley speaking for Richard's dead wife to Richard, as he is finally able to let go and accept his fate.

3. Deus Ex Machina (Season 1, Episode 19)
Season one's best arc had to be that of John Locke's mission to understand his purpose on the island. As he and Boone try and open the hatch, we get some ultra-creepy visions of Boone, which brings back some nostalgia for me, as his death was untimely. It really opened up the door and promised that no character was ever really safe from death. And it only intensified the Jack vs. Locke rivalry.
Best Moment: "Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs."

2. Through the Looking Glass (Season 3, Episode 22)
Much of Season 3 was a tad below par, for me at least, but the ending of it was nothing short of excellent. With Charlie trying to complete his kamikaize mission and everyone else's vendetta against the other's coming to a head, there were many great moments in the episode. But it may have been the most hopeful we ever get to see our favorite castaways.
Best Moment: Charlie's death and his character going full-circle, from broken drug-addict to hero.

1. The Constant (Season 4, Episode 5)
Without a doubt, The Constant is the best episode of television that I could ever ask for. Without actually having too much to do with the story, The Constant does what Lost does best: create amazingly heartfelt, deep character moments. This episode is full of them, as Desmond's conciousness jumps back and forth through time and space, when all he needed was to talk to Penny to save his life. Love conquers all, indeed.
Best Moment: The entire Desmond-Penny phone call near the end.


Best Characters

5. Daniel Farraday
The bumbling psyicist often provided for great drama whenever on screen. Crazy hair, speech, and scientific mumbo-jumbo there was something inherently charming about him and his love for the fiery redhead Charlotte. He obviously had fun explaining time-travel, even if nobody had any idea what he was talking about.

4. Benjamin Linus
The creepiest, most manipulative and cold character that resided on the island, from Henry Gale to Benjamin Linus, there were so many moments that you forced you to like the leader of the mysterious others. His story, tragic, shows that everyone starts good until something bad happens to them. A common thread for many Lost characters, but his echo'd that sentiment the most.

3. James "Sawyer" Ford
Without Sawyer, how much fun would this show have been? A perfect mix of comedic relief, bad-asserery, and pathetic-ness, Sawyer's character was probably the one that grew the most throughout the show. His love for Juliet was heartwarming, and the nicknames were often times the highlight of underwhelming episodes. Sawyer is consensus fan favorite and rightfully so.

2. John Locke
Locke was the best character throughout Lost's best seasons, one and two, and brought the aura of mystery better than any other character. The way Terry O'Quinn was able to play Locke's character as a sad old man, bad ass hunter-gatherer, and even smoke monster was nothing short of remarkable. Even though his character had a sad end, he was one of the most memorable character to grace the small screen.

1. Desmond Hume
Did any other character feel more real than Desmond? The drunken Scotsman went through time for love and raced around the world for his one and only Penny. His heart-brokenness for his lost love echoes "the one that got away" better than almost any love story ever seen on TV. What will always be remembered about Desmond, besides his catchphrases, is his humanity in a extremely strange universe.

Top 5 Unanswered Questions

5. How were Ben and Widmore able to return to the Island, when they said they wouldn't be able to return?

4. What was the point of Ben/Widmore's war that took up much of Season 5? What were these rules they kept mentioning?

3. What was the point of The Temple characters that were introduced and took up so much time at the beginning of Season 6?

2. Why was Sayid with Shannon in the church in the end, instead of Nadia whom he had been spending his entire life trying to find?

1. What was the point, really, of having Jin and Sun having a baby? Wouldn't their story have been better if that plot device was never introduced?