Clear Eyes and Full Hearts

Human emotion is a complex, yet beautiful thing. There's something about the unpredictability of life that makes it worth living. How emotion makes a person react in a completely different way than the guy across the room. When you find a great movie or TV show, you know it's great because of the way it makes you feel. It's when character become more than just a character that we feel for them, why we tear up when they are having their most emotional moments. There are five things that make me feel the most extreme of emotions: love, movies, the Cubs, loss, and TV. Call it sad, call it whatever you like, but watching the television version of "Friday Night Lights" makes me feel some of the most genuine of human emotions. Maybe you've seen it, or maybe NBC's ineptitude of promotion and scheduled has caused you to miss it. Either way, I'm going to share my insights on the greatness of the show. Shows like "The Wire," "Mad Men," or "The Shield" may be better in production values and overall quality, "Friday Night LIghts" preys on emotion better. So here they are, the 7 Best Moments of TV's "Friday Night Lights".

7. A QB with No Support
Episode: Season 2, Episode 14
The Situation: Starting QB Matt Saracen's dad is in the army and has just gotten sent back to Iraq. Matt has been left to balance school, football, and taking care of his grandma, who has the early signs of dementia. Matt gets really drunk but then has to take his mom to the hospital, where his Coach has to pick him up.
The Emotion: Matt's had everyone leave him; his coach, both his parents, his girlfriend. When a kid continuously gets let down, he starts to think it's fault. In this scene, after Coach Taylor takes him home and throws him in the shower, Matt Saracen might deliver his best line of the series: "What's wrong with me?" Even his Coach gets a little choked up when he hears this. No kid deserves to have to take care of his mentally ill grandma, go to school, and lead a football team. So when Matt breaks down, it's not completely unexpected. But when you see the kid drunk, laying in the shower, wondering what he did to deserve all of what he's gone through, it can't do much but tug at your heartstrings. Because, you know what? The answer is "Nothing."
Hulu Link: NBC doesn't support YouTube, so I'll link you to Hulu. The clip starts at about the 34 minute mark, so just click ahead.
Poon Clip


6. New QB Gets Hit
Episode: Season 3, Episode 11
The Moment: Freshmen phenom QB J.D. McCoy has just played a subpar playoff game to which he ignored his obsessed Dad's advice. J.D.'s tell off his Dad, who's already fuming, and his Dad proceeds to beat the crap out of him, while Coach Taylor tries to intervene.
The Emotion: J.D.'s got "that" Dad who took little league way too seriously and pushed his kid way too hard to succeed. Basically, he's restricted fun, girls, and anything and everything enjoyable. So when J.D. has a subpar game and his Dad confronts him, yelling at him like he just lost the Super Bowl, it's understandable the kid would lash out. But then his Dad beats the crap out of him. A very powerful moment that gives the viewer perspective as to just how far his Dad's obsession with his son's success or living his success through him. Child abuse is always uncomfortable but "FNL" does a great job at making seem real--maybe even too real.
Hulu Link: Here's the entire clip.
Watch this, fool.

5. I'm Not On a Boat
Episode: Season 2, Episode 5
The Moment: Paralyzed ex-QB Jason Street is on a boat with his best friend Tim Riggins and ex-girlfriend Lyla, with whom Riggins had an affair with when they were still dating and Jason was in the hospital. He's gone to Mexico to get an extremely experimental stem cell surgery that could kill him but his friends won't let him do it. Jason proceeds to drop himself into the ocean.
The Emotion: Although I haven't identified much with his character, Jason Street plummeting to what he wants to be his death, then realizing he wants to live is a profound moment of self-realization. There isn't a moment that betters captures the depleted spirit of a young man who's been paralyzed doing the thing he's the best at in this world. The scene shows the brilliant friendship that is captured time and time again between Riggins and Street. Riggins is, no doubt, a big fuckup throughout the entire series. But he knows and cares enough about his friend to tell him that what he's doing is desperate and dumb and that there's more to life than just walking. As Shawshank taught us all, a life without hope isn't much of a life. It makes you wonder just how much better you have it than some people, no matter what happens.
Hulu Clip: Skip to the 25 minute mark for pure awesomeness.
Click and Enjoy

4. Umm, I Can't Move.
Episode: Pilot, Season 1, Episode 1
The Moment: Jason Street, star QB of the Dillon Panthers, tries to make a tackle, which ends in about the worst way possible: he gets paralyzed.
The Emotion: A whole crowd, silent. A whole team, stunned. There are moments that occur in sports that render the game meaningless. This is one of those moments. A players life, hanging in the balance. I always feel this way after a line drive off a pitcher's head. It's one of the most disgusting and unnatural things that could happen during any game. But with a whole town looking on and their best player laying motionless on the field, the silence is deafening. What can you say? Even though there's a great moment with the backup QB coming in and leading the team to a win right after, the paralyzed QB just lying there is a moment that certainly is as powerful as it gets when it comes to sports.
Hulu Clip: Skip ahead to about the 33:30 minute mark
As Ugly As it Gets

3. What a Takedown!
Episode: Season 2, Episode 11
The Moment: After a team is displaced and shares a practice field with the team and then they play each other the next week. At the end of the game, the Dillon Panthers are about to score the winning touchdown when the opposing coach, who's seemed like an asshole for the entire story arc, tackles him. Dillon's declared the winners but as the coaches confront each other, the opposing coach reveals his wife's got brain cancer.
The Emotion: A cheap reveal? Maybe. But the image of the coach tackling a player about to score is everlasting. It's the last thing you ever expect to see at any sporting event. But telling Coach Taylor his wife has 3 month's to live? It certainly explains all his actions from the prior douchness that the audience has experienced from him, but it's a moment that shows that those people on the sidelines are real people with real problems. Does it excuse his behavior? Not at all. But it certainly makes it understandable. Because when you love something more than anything in the world and that's about to be taken away from you, how would you react? Coach Taylor's reaction says everything, as it often does throughout the entire run of "Friday Night Lights."
Hulu Link: Skip ahead to about 31:20 for the scene.
Pretty Good Form On that Tackle

2. I'm the Smash and the Smash Got In!
Episode: Season 3, Episode 4
The Moment: After star RB Smash Williams suffers a bad knee injury at the end of Season 2, he works hard at rehabbing and getting into shape as Coach Taylor pushes him, so that he can get into college. The scene is Smash getting the call and celebrating with his family as Coach Taylor comes to his door, in which he finds out. The scene is one of the only TV scenes I've ever cried during and I don't care if the whole blogosphere knows it. The rest of the blogosphere are just a bunch of sarcastic, sex-addicted assholes anyway.
The Emotion: If you've watched the series, you know how demoralized Smash was after his knee injury. All the scenes with him and Coach Taylor in Season 3 provide my favorite and most emotional story arc of the entire series by far. After little hope and little support, Smash gets back into shape and gets a workout with Texas A&M and gets in thanks to how hard Coach Taylor has pushed him. This kid is nothing without football and everyone, including him, knows it. And you would just have to be a Nazi not to cheer the kid on. Yeah, he's made mistakes. But I stole a stoplight when I was 17 and almost got arrested, yet people still seem to want me to succeed for some reason.
Hulu Clip: Hulu does not have this episode, but I found it on a different site. Skip to the 42 minute mark.
The Smash


1. State
Episode: Season 3, Episode 12
The Moment: In the state championship, the Panthers rally with a huge, inspired 2nd half comeback to tie the game. Then the opposing team, who are probably better overall, gets in position for a game winning field goal and makes it to win the game with no time left. Coach Taylor then gives a very emotional, powerful speech to his losing team.
The Emotion: What makes this the best moment in the series is the fact that in every other show, the Panthers would win. But in this one, you get to see the losing locker room. The speech the coach has to make to the losing team. What happens when a bunch of 16-18 year olds have to experience the ultimate loss in their sporting careers? What does a coach say? It's so emotional, so unbelievable moving to hear Coach Taylor tell the players that they are champions, that they'll always remember that game. The best character in the show, Coach Taylor, delivers its finest moment. Because when an underdog fights as hard as it can against a much better team and comes up just short, by about the thinnest of margins. It's a moment as beautiful as a sunset, yet as sad as leaving someone behind. "Friday Night Lights" was never a show about football; it is a show about the relationships of a football obsessed Texas town. And this moment captured the great relationship, through everything, that this coach has had with his players. Even in a loss, they're winners. And you know what? So are we for having seen it.
Hulu Clip: Watch the entire episode if you can, otherwise skip to the 37 minute mark.
Watch the Greatness

There you have it. For those regular blog readers that don't watch FNL, I'm sorry but I'm really not. I love the show and it deserved a blog. I'll get another blog up by or during the weekend though hopefully. But anyways, I don't have much to say in this conclusion except that I'm concluding this blog immediately. BTW, Friday Night Lights just got picked up for 2 more seasons and most of the episodes are on Hulu.com if the non-watchers want to join the good guys. Until next time, I'll see ya lata mates.

Evaluating the Fall 2009 Pilot Season

I'm an avid TV watcher. Since I'm lazy, unemployed, and rarely sleep, I watch shows via DVR, Netflix, and Hulu.com. There is no doubt that I overindulge. Recently, I have become worried. Worried about the future of creative television. While reality TV shows continue to flourish in the ratings (note: anyone easily offended that watches reality TV should not continue reading), fiction is taking a major decline. Creative shows that I enjoy usually ended up getting cancelled. (i.e. Pushing Daisies, Firefly, Arrested Development, among others) So where am I going with this? I don't know but I am worried about the ever growing gap of reality vs. fiction. Is there any hope? That's what I'm going to find out. I've found out what new shows have been greenlit for the Fall 2009 and am here to evaluate their prospects. I'm like a TV Scout. Hey, that actually wouldn't be a bad name for my blog. Anyways, here is Fall 2009 TV Shows w/ Potential.

ABC
New Shows:
Eastwick: A show about 3 witches in 1960's Rhode Island who get their powers because their husbands leave them. Sounds like it'll be a big hit with men. Stars Rebecca Romaijn and two scrub actresses.
Flash Forward: Sounds like LOST redux, but it's based on a novel where the whole world blacks out for 2 minutes, 17 seconds of their lives with a scary glimpse of the future. Stars Shakespere from Shakespeare in Love, Penny from LOST, and Harold from Harold and Kumar.
V: Remake of an alien show from the 80's. Sounds dumb.
Cougartown: The title says it all. Courtney Cox "stars."
Funny in Farsi: Deals with Iranian family growing up in The O.C. in the 70's.
No Heroics: British remake about superheroes who are more alcoholics than super. My DVR is already set.
This Might Hurt: Doctor show said to be a mix of Scrubs and Private Practice. Yawn.

Pilots I'll Watch: Flash Forward, No Heroics, maybe Funny in Farsi, depending on cast and time.

CBS
"New" Shows:
Tick Tock: Mid-30s woman looking for love. It's that Elaine from Seinfeld show but 10 years younger.
Three Rivers: Organ transplant show about the people who give them up rather than the people who get them.
Other than that, 3 medical dramas, NCIS spinoff, and a few lawyer shows. Basically, the same shit that's on constantly.

Pilot's I'll Watch: Zippo

FOX
New Shows:
Human Target: Guy is hired to assume people's identities to protect them.
Masterwork: People recover stolen works of art and shit.
Absolutely Fabulous: Two rich women get plastic surgery and get wasted alot. Hmmm, maybe.
Glee: Spanish teacher in Ohio is forced to take over the Glee Club. Hour long comedy? Sounds cancelled.
Boldly Going Nowhere: Intergallactic spaceship helmed by a rogue captain. Comedy starring the 3 guys from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
The Station: Ben Stiller comedy about CIA agents in S. America trying to get a dictator in power.

Pilots I'll Watch: FOX has the best pilot potential by far, I'll check out The Station, Boldly Going Nowhere, and Human Target. Maybe Glee/Absolutely Fab depending on the casting, but probably not.

NBC
New Shows: (note that NBC is giving away the 9-10pm slot to Leno 5 days a week, so there's not much new)
Parenthood: Based on the Steve Martin movie about a Midwestern family.
Day One: Group of survivors of a worldwide catastrophe try to rebuild Earth.
State of Romance: A modern day Pride and Prejudice.

Pilots I'll Watch: Maybe Day One. Maybe.

Other Networks:
New Shows:
Treme: HBO pilot about a group of jazz musicians in New Orleans post Katrina. Created by David Simon, creator of The Wire, and stars a ton of awesome actors. Can you say hit?
Possible Side Effects: Showtime pilot about a family that owns a pharmaceutical company.
Roommates: ABC Family show about a group of friends that are roommates.
Gossip Girl Spinoff: CW pilot about Gossip Girl.

Pilots I'll Watch: Treme, Possible Side Effects.

There you have it. Keep in mind that not all pilots get picked up, these are the only ones confirmed to actually be airing. So there'll probably be more but if they haven't been approved yet, I wouldn't have high hopes. Hopefully we'll get a few winners here, but who knows.
In a related note, NBC's Chuck, which airs Mondays at 7pm, is an excellent show threatened with cancellation. I urge you to watch it live, watch in Hulu.com or watch it on TheWB.com. Anything you can do to help the show, since it's my favorite besides LOST. Thanks for your help fellow citizens! Auf vida sang. (or whatever Tyra says at the end of America's Top Model)

You've Got No Direction!

Everybody hates somebody. Hell, someone probably even hates me (although, I can't understand why. I'm delightful!) It partly defines you on how you react to the people you hate. There are also things you love, I hope. What's the worst thing that can happen? The people you hate getting their hands on the things you love. (i.e. your girlfriend, your weed) And you know what I love? Well, yeah, I do love booze but that's not what I was going for. I love sex, but I don't have it enough to get too mad about it. My third love is most definitely film. And boy, there are some people around LaLaLand that I just can't stand. They make a mockery of my favorite business. One day, I will have my revenge. But until then, I bitch about them in blog form. Because that's what a classy person would do. Here are The 6 Worst Directors in Hollywood. Bring. It. On.

6. Michael Bay
Failures: Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys I + II, The Island
Redemption? The Rock
Shake It: Michael Bay. What's there to say that hasn't been said? Besides The Rock, he made the equivalent of dog crap and thrown it on screen. Violent camera movement? Check. Plethora of cuts? Check. Everything, including babies and nuns, exploding? Check. Here some antonyms for Michael Bay: creative, abstract, useful, thought-provoking, attractive, smart, polite, generous, God, capable, and poor. It's the last one that really gets me. His movies are full of lack of character development and made for mindless entertainment. See a Michael Bay movie is like bad pizza: it's still pizza, you just wished you ordered from somewhere else when you're done.
Urban Dictionary Definition: Michael Bay (adj.)- a movie that is profitable, yet painful to watch.


5. Steve Carr
Failures: Paul Blart, Are We Done Yet?, Daddy Day Care, Dr. Dolittle 2, Rebound, Next Friday
Redemption? Nope. Those are ALL his movies.
No Fun: When your highest grossing movie is Paul Blart: Mall Cop, you may want to consider another profession, like catering. Steve Carr is like that guy at all your parties that one of your friends like but everyone else hates. He just keeps showing up and puking all over the rug you just bought at IKEA. Plus, why is he doing all african-american themed movies? He's WHITE! Listen, there's nothing wrong with celebrating black culture, but not when it's basically playing into the stereotypes of all black people. I mean, do Ice Cube, Martin Lawrence, and Eddie Murphy really get excited when Steve calls them? "Steve Carr?! Let's do some cliche black people stuff!" One can only hope that "Paul Blart 2: You Saw the First, Why Not Second?" never sees the light of day. Or God help us all.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Steve Carr- to be deeply unfunny.

4. Brett Ratner
Failures: Rush Hour 2+3, X-Men 3: Last Stand, The Family Man, After the Sunset
Redemption? Rush Hour (it was OK) and Red Dragon (also just OK)
Franchiser: Brett Ratner is unlike the rest of this list, in that he only does remakes and sequels. And boy, those are both things people love, right? Ratner has been especially singled out for X-Men 3, since X-Men 2 was actually pretty good but then Ratner dumped on the hopes of fans that thought X-Men could be a good franchise. He is also one of those guys that makes bad movies then criticizes critics for not liking them. Well, here's a hint Brett: nobody liked ANY of the movies in the "Failures" section. Absolutely nobody. This guy is a dick. He has openly criticized Paul Thomas Anderson, who could make a better film if he turned into a crack addict, for wanting final cut for his films. Plus, people think the 3rd of any movie are going to suck basically because of this guy. Rush Hour 3 and X-Men 3 are two of the most hideous "paycheck whore" movies in a long while. Also, when you have it in your contract that your trailers must begin with "A Brett Ratner film..." then you are a prick. Because you are Brett Ratner, not Martin Scorsese or The Coen Brothers. You made the Rush Hour movies. You suck worse than Jackie Chan's English.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Brett Ratner- singlehandedly destroyed the X-Men franchise, scrapping all of the character development and careful storytelling of the previous two.
Here's the douche on "Entourage":


3. Brian Robbins
Failures: Meet Dave, Norbit, The Shaggy Dog, Good Burger, Ready to Rumble, The Perfect Score. Do people like Varsity Blues? I'm putting it here anyway.
Redemption? Hardball was pretty good. Except, why'd G-Baby have to die? HE WAS SO YOUNG!!!
Can I Take Your Order? Only getting better in age, Robbins has been nominated for "Worst Movie" at the Razzies the last two years. (I'm sure his next film, A Thousand Words with Eddie Murphy, will give him a third) It says a lot about an industry that will continually hire a man who is so obviously bad at his job. It'd be like hiring me to be an Alcoholics Anonymous speaker. You may as well take the people to a bar. When your claim to fame is a Keanu Reeves vehicle, you are not doing well at your job. It's like being head of Student Activities Committee for a High School in Los Angeles and hiring George Bush to head an assembly. You sure that's a good idea? Maybe he should learn a few of the lines from Good Burger and get a job more suited to his talents.
Urban Dictionary Def.: (no matches, but these came up): Male genitalia, moron, idiot, asshole, a drunk.

2. Uwe Boll
Failures: Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne I+II, House of the Dead, his life. His highest rated movie on IMDb has a 3.8. Out of ten movies. Death be upon him.
Redemption? Ha. His only redemption is not being #1 on this list.
Ewww Uwe: I don't like bring up past memories but Uwe Boll must be a Neo-Nazi. I mean, most Germans are generations removed from WWII, yet Uwe Boll, a personification of evil, turns up and makes movies that make people want to commit murder. People that have seen Uwe Boll movies often experience nausea, dizziness, loss of sex drive, suicidal tendencies, and death. Anyone that has seen more than one of Uwe Boll's movie should considered mentally retarded and have a fear of anything that is good and decent in this world. If movies were a religion, he'd be Satan's right-hand man. He has 9 movies scheduled to come out in the next 2 years, including one called "Darfur." I, MICHAEL DOLAN, am offended by that and I rarely concern myself with the world's problems. Some nights, I cry about having saw "Alone in the Dark." In a just world, Uwe would be number one on this list. In a just world, Uwe Boll would be on the front line for the Germans during WWII.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Often referred to as a modern day Ed Wood but this is inaccurate. Boll's films are driven by cynical exploitation of German tax law that allows a movie to make money even when it fails at the box office. He is better thought of as Max of The Producers, who intentionally makes a flop to profit of it.

1. Jason Freidberg and Adam Seltzer
Failures: Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Date Movie, Epic Movie
Redemption? Only in death shall these two be redeemed. Even then, they are probably going to hell.
Suck Movie: When you continually make movies mocking other genre's, you may have a problem. I mean, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz mock genres but they do it in a way that isn't retarded. These guys are to movies what Hitler was to evil. I saw Epic Movie (when I say saw, I mean my girlfriend just broke up with me and I was too drunk to change the channel when it was on) and I can honestly say, I have never, ever seen a film that made me want to give up pot before. But then, I saw this. Obviously, these guys are so high they just pound their hands against the keyboard and scream "DONE!" like a sex addict who purposely sticks in the wrong hole while going "doggy style", claims it was accident, then finishes all over her/his back, laughs, then licks his juice all up, then spits it all in your face, then yells "I've got HIV!" as he runs out of the room. If I ever met these motherfuckers, I'd slap them, ask for their moms phone number, then call their mom and yell into the phone "YOU'VE FAILED! WHY WOULD YOU RAISE THE SPAWN OF SATAN?!?!" Ok, I think I've gotten my point across.
Urban Dictionary Def.: Disaster Movie- to be raped by a rotting corpse, an object so reviled that even its name inspires fear and loathing into all who have ever heard of or seen it; quite possible the worst thing ever to have shed light upon this earth; a film so bad words can't even describe how bad it really is.

There you have, ladies and gentlemen. Another solid blog, if I do say so myself. And I do say so. Hope you enjoyed or hated, either of the two most extreme emotions, this here entry into the blogosphere. I do anticipate that it will inspire fear and violence but I think people need to know who is ruining the glorious world of cinema with their cheap trash. But I digress into a state of apathy, as I must go and watch the Cubs game. Because they inspire in me the opposite of the previous six men. So, as I leave you, I leave you with a message of love and tenderness from here in my very own living room. Stay safe, people. And as always, PLEASE wear a rubber. Nobody, especially me, wants your disgusting diseases.

The Weekend Box-Office (Or: Some People are Very Stupid)

Today, I'm going to go over the Top 5 of this past weekend's Box Office. I'll try and get to this every week, if time permits. Here it is, the April 3-5 Box Office.
(ed.'s note: Greg Mottola's Adventureland was not in the Top 5, even though it's the highest rated movie in the Top 10 by far. Shame on you, folks.

5. I Love You Man ($7.85 Million)
At almost $50 million, ILYM is going strong thanks to the star power of Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. And good for them. With a really strong marketing campaign, people are actually seeing this movie, which is a good decision because it's very funny. Comedies have trouble making a real ton of money, so $50 mil is a solid figure after 3 weeks for this movie. It's no Knocked Up, but it should beat out Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Role Models when it surpasses $60 million. Good work.

4. Knowing ($8.13 Million)
Nicholas Cage baffles me. His movies are horrible, yet...they continue to make money. Is it the hair? The saving of the world? The aliens obsessed with numbers? Or is it "HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!" It did have a pretty big drop though from it's opening weekend, so at least bad word of mouth is putting this movie in it's rightful place: on the way to a DVD release in June so people don't forget about it. (Forget about it, please)

3. The Haunting in Connecticut ($9.55 Million)
I don't know much about this movie, except that people are desperate to see a good horror movie. Well, I am too, but I'm not gonna spend my money on this garbage. I hear Martin Scorsese's "Shutter Island" that's due out in October is sort of a horror movie. So I'll wait to see that if I want to see a horror movie. It's too bad that teenagers go see these horrible movies because they think a movie that makes them "jump" is scary. Psh, maybe it is. Give me something horrifying that I'm going to have nightmares about, not something that's gonna make me go "OH! I didn't know that guy was gonna be there but he was so I flinched in my seat!"

2. Monsters vs. Aliens ($33.5 Million)
I guess kids gotta see something, right? I'm not sure how I feel about this movie but 3D surely helped the box office figures for this one. Even if it's just a gimmick, it's a gimmick that is working right now, so why wouldn't studios hammer it into the ground? Seems like a decent enough movie to take your kids too, but how has it made over $100 Million in two weeks? I suppose that it has something to do with the fact that we are in a recession or something. Then again, I spent $20 last night at various bars hoping to pick up women, so can I really fault parents taking their kids to a movie? Yes. But I won't. BTW, who would win in this matchup? I'd say Aliens. Monsters seem kind of dumb and like one-trick ponies.

1. Fast and Furious ($72.5 Million)
Please, people, stop choosing cheap thrills over quality. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are two of, if not THE two, worst actors currently working. And they are only currently working because of this movie. I'm just baffled and pissed off that this made so much. Ugh. One thing you can learn from this is that Marketing is Everything. Unbelievable. People are losing their jobs, but apparently people are spending their last dollars on Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, and two nameless hot chicks drag racing. Was Tokyo Drift not enough? Are we on our way to Fast and Furious 8? Will this win any Razzies? I sure hope so.

Next Week Preview:
If you think this week was bad, wait til next week. The two big releases next week are Seth Rogen's "We suffer from bad timing" mall cop comedy, Observe and Report and the hellspawn that is Miley Cyrus' Hannah Montana Movie. Here is my Top 5 Prediction for next week:
1. Fast and Furious
2. Hannah Montana
3. Monsters vs. Aliens
4. Observe and Report
5. Haunting in Connecticut

I'd stay at home or spend your money at a bar. That's what I'll be doing.
And Good Night!

Random Review: "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"

As a self-proclaimed movie buff, I tend to notice things in movies that the regular moviegoer may not. It probably makes me more picky about movies in general, but I don't really care. It does, on occasion, take the fun out of certain movies but I'd rather appreciate the quality of the filmmaking than just enjoy myself. I now, I'm that kind of asshole but to each their own, I guess. There's one thing you should know before reading on: this review will be largely negative. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised to get a cease and desist from FOX since I attended a "free screening" of their movie before it came out and am going to bash it like I'm Chris Brown on Rihanna. But here is a review of the movie anyway because I'm just a rebel like that.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Ryan Reyonlds, Taylor Kitsch
Plot: How Wolverine became Wolverine.

*There will be no spoilers, although I wouldn't be spoiling much.*

Keep in mind that I'm not, nor have I ever been, a fan of the X-Men comics. Not because they are bad, just because I was never into comics. The three movies before though? They sucked. Hard.
Casting Iron
A big problem, but not the only one, was the casting. There were miscasts up, down, and all around. So much so that I'm going to write about the problem with a few of the major characters of the movie.
Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool: Anytime Ryan Reynolds opens his mouth, or even moves his arms in a funny fashion, I'm tempted to laugh even when I'm not supposed to. The man is not an action star, no matter how ripped he is. Stick to romantic comedies with a little raunch in them, Ryan. Here, his character is a laughable clown. And it's not funny.
Liev Schreiber as Sabertooth: Liev, you are better than this. His character was so badly constructed from the start that it made the character development in X-Men 3 look like an Alfred Hitchcock piece.
Dominic Monaghan as Beak: Hmmm, let's cast a Hobbit as a superhero! People that like Lord of the Rings will see this movie. No offense, Dominic, but maybe you should go back to TV until Guillermo Del Toro needs for 2011's The Hobbit. You aren't a great actor.
Taylor Kitsch as Gambit: If you've seen the TV show Friday Night Lights, then you know him as Riggins. And he doesn't act very different here. At all.

Remember When I Hosted the Oscars?
Listen, I have no problem with Hugh Jackman. He tried his hardest to make the Oscars more exciting and original, even if only parts of the show worked. But I don't see his appeal, as an actor. Yeah, he's a good looking guy, I get it, but can he really act? Because I haven't seen it. This movie here? It's a complete disaster from head to toe. Director of the movie Gavin Hood and I are buddies. (By buddies, I mean I looked him up on IMDb). When he invited me over for a "free screening" I was hesitant, because I didn't really want to see this movie ever. But it was free and before most people will see it, so I took up his offer. When it ended, he asked me what I thought. I told him "You know that scene in Jurrasic Park where they find that huge pile of dinosaur shit? Well, that had to pile up somehow. Over the last 100 minutes, I saw a pile of shit piling up more and more and more. This movie makes much hated X-Men 3 director Bret Ratner look like Orson Wells. Gavin, people are going to hate this movie and they are going to hate you for making it. Forever." Although I was kicked out of his house, I was satisfied with my answer. I had time to reflect on whether I was being too hard on the movie or not and I decided that I was being completely fair with my assessment. Nobody will like this movie. The action sequences are stupid, the emotional parts laughable, the plot holes bigger than Queen Kong's vagina, and actors that are either bad or really don't care about the product. I don't even feel bad about seeing it at my own private "free screening." There are just some movies you wish were never made. This is going to be one of them.
My suggestion? Save the $10 you would spend on this crap and wait a week to spend it to see Star Trek in IMAX. Or Terminator 4. Or Up. Or Drag Me to Hell. I'd even recommend Angels and Demons over this, because it can't be worse.
But you can watch this for free on numerous websites that I won't list, at risk of them getting taken off because of me. But instead of seeing it, you can do what I did after watching this garbage: ding-dong ditch my friend Gavin Hood at 4 AM.

Rating: 3/10

Hey FOX! Your movies suck and you're assholes for canceling Arrested Development!

Heroes Get Remembered, Legends Never Die: A Retrospective on Flight of the Conchords

There comes a time in every person's life where they must say goodbye to the people they love. It's a difficult process, one that pains most people to even think about. And while TV characters aren't really people we love, they do provide some solemn relief for the hour or so they invade our screens. I get sad every time I know a TV show that I watch is ending. With so many great shows leaving or about to leave the air (i.e. BSG, LOST next year, The Wire), what's left? One that is really getting to me is the recent loss of Flight of the Conchords. Season Two just ended and it's unlikely they'll return for a third. So to memorialize the boys, I'd like to offer up the 7 Best Songs From FOTC Season Two. I'll miss you, boys (points to sky).

7. "We're Both in Love with a Sexy Lady"
Featured In: Season 2, Ep. 6, "Love is a Weapon of Choice"
Parody Of: R. Kelly's "Same Girl"
FTW: As per usual, Bret and Jemaine have fallen for the same girl (played by the very funny SNL member Kristen Wiig), who they met while she was searching for her epilectic dog. Whether it be the confusion over her name (Barbara vs. Brahbrah) or the always present lack of awareness that allows them to sing for 2 minutes without realizing they are singing about the same girl, the song is great at showcasing the two's inadequacy in pretty much everything they do.
Highlight: "Was this about 20 seconds ago?" "No, it was about 23 seconds ago."


6. "You Don't Have to be a Prostitute"
Featured In: Season 2, Ep. 2, "The New Cup"
Parody Of: The Police's "Roxanne"
FTW: Described as a "judgmental version of Roxanne", this reggae beat about Jemaine's male prostitution features the always brilliant strategy of Jemaine singing the backing vocals, which is probably the best part of any song they do. Or maybe it's their landlord playing whatever that instrument is at the end. There are so many reasons to love this song but the mere visual of Jemaine as a prostitute and who would actually pay him for sex...well, that just makes it great.
Highlight: "You can say no to being a man ho, a male gigolo."


5. "I Told You I Was Frekkie"
Featured In: Season 2, Ep. 9, "Wingmen"
Parody Of: Electric Six's "Danger! High Voltage" and most MGMT songs
FTW: After Bret picks up a girl by basically stalking her, he tells her he is freaky and, of course, she is into it. The way the rhymes in this song are used are so beyond ridiculous that there are no words to describe them. The song is, admittedly not nearly as good without the video, but it still is a catchy tune that brings out the rarely explored "freaky" side of the two guys.
Highlight: "I'll go outside and get some leaves, I'll pretend to be a tree, you can be a squirrel that stole my nuts from me."


4. "Too Many Dicks on the Dancefloor"
Featured In: Season 2, Ep. 5, "Unnatural Love"
Parody Of: Techno music and straight clubs that only guys attend
FTW: Any song that throws in the two's Indian friend is pure gold, in my opinion. All I can say about this song is that the lyrics have never been more preposterous and clever. What Season Two was missing was the creativity in regards to the music, but not here. The song takes an embarrassing situation and places it in the realm of absurdity. And who couldn't love it? With "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" director Michael Gondry creating this video, it's hard not to sing along.
Highlight: "Not enough ladies, too many mans."


3. "Carol Brown"
Featured In: Season 2, Ep. 5, "Unnatural Love"
Parody Of: Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"
FTW: A slower song from the Conchords, but extremely funny and effective. The song details all the ways Jemaine has been dumped with a choir of his ex's singing in the background. Mostly, the song is more catchy than it is funny but it still manages to bring the funny. With Jemaine's awareness of the girls in the background singing, his interactions with them are the funniest parts of the song. But I'll let you listen for yourself.
Highlight: "Oh, he doesn't cook or clean, he's not good boyfriend material." "Oooo, he even eats cereal."


2. "Sugar Lumps"
Featured In: Season 2, Ep. 2, "The New Cup"
Parody Of: Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" and The Pussycat Dolls' "Beep"
FTW: I'm sure that most people would have this as their #1 song from the 2nd season and I can definitely see why. It's basically "My Humps" by a male singing about his balls. And it's genius in every sense of the word. These descriptions are so short because the songs can do all the talking for me. And in the case of "Sugar Lumps", it needs to be seen to be understood.
Highlight: "My sugalumps are two of a kind, sweet and white and highly refined, honeys try all kinds of tomfoolery to steal a feel of my family jewelry."


1. "Hurt Feelings"
Featured In: Season 2, Ep. 3, "The Tough Brets"
Parody Of: Rap, in general.
FTW: "Hurt Feelings" is so unbelievably funny. The fact that the two think of themselves as rappers that are getting their feelings hurt is something so awesome and funny, that what else can you say except "wow". Not to mention the song is extremely catchy. Bret shopping for a wetsuit? Jemaine cooking? How is such greatness even possible? This song actually sounds like it could be on the radio. And God do I wish it was.
Highlight: "Have you ever been told you look like a llama?"


There you have it. My fond farewell to FOTC. Hopefully, they'll at least make a few new albums or something. Oh well. Anyways, I must thank you and be on my way for I am a busy man. Well, I at least like to appear busy. So I'm probably going to go appear busy. It's not as depressing as it sounds (although it's still pretty bad), so don't worry about it. Enjoy the...cold, cloudy day that has become the norm. Because soon you won't be able to enjoy them and it will be all nice out! Bon voyage, senoras!

The Dancing Queen Said She Was 18, And Other Lies ABBA Told Me: The April Mailbag

Welcome, new and old, to a monthly tradition here at THE blog: the mailbag. Most questions are sent in from readers throughout the month, but some are made up because....well, not enough people send questions in. If you are communist, dumb, or under 16 (talk to me when you're 18) then this probably isn't for you. It's a good thing, because I'm blocked in all communist countries and three democratic ones. Anyways, let's get started.


Q: Why are you such a stoner, stoner?
--P. Russo, Chicago, IL
A: This coming from the kid who once told me "I don't care about the girl during sex; I'm just like BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM and that's that." Bet you thought I didn't remember that since I was having an emotional breakdown! HA!

Q: Everyone has guilty pleasures. Whether it be food, a TV show, or movies. But can a person be a guilty pleasure? That is, can hanging out with someone be a "guilty pleasure."?
--T. Tate, Office, LB.
A: I don't see why not. I'd say, as long as something is a noun, it can be a guilty pleasure. Verbs, however, can't be. Like...stalking. That's not a guilty pleasure, that's just something that friends do. So if you like hanging out with someone, nobody else likes but you're sleeping with them, or you're hooking up with you're ex because the sex is so good but you feel guilty afterwards, that's a guilty pleasure. And it doesn't HAVE to be someone whose pants you're trying to get into. That's just where my head usually goes. (Pun, as always, intended)

Q: I once asked a friend if it was possible to drive to South America from the U.S. Apparently, you could, except for a roadless, dangerous, 50 mile stretch of land known as the "Darien Gap" upon entering Colombia. Now, there is no law against driving it but there are no roads and people often disappear around here. So my question is, are there travel ideas that are more insane than this one? Or would this be the ultimate test in travel stupidity/bravery?
--A. Davis, Oakland, CA.
A: Not only is this the most insane travel idea, I have personally made it my mission to drive to South America before the end of 2010. Stupidity and bravery are oftentimes the same thing and I know of no better way to prove it than driving 50 miles off-road in an extremely dangerous Colombian wasteland. I'm obviously going to be bringing a gun, 4 condoms (don't ask), and a bunch of whatever the Colombian currency is (or cocaine. probably cocaine.). Other than that, I don't see anything too insane about the trip.

Q: Why the hell do college coaches even get contracts? Seems to me like they can bolt pretty much whenever they want. Aren't contracts supposed to stop this kind of greedy behavior?
--J. Wainwright, Lincoln Park, IL.
A: College coaching is a joke. Since recruiting is all that matters in college, coaches are the most important person on the team. Yet, they are allowed to just up and leave whenever the hell they want! The NCAA is a joke, since they won't do shit about this, and the coaches should really be ashamed of themselves. They are basically abandoning the kids they recruited to their former school. It's like Seth Cohen choosing the blonde chick in Season 1 of "The O.C.", then decides he'd rather have Summer so he leaves the blonde and the blonde is so devastated she moves. How did he even pick the blonde after Summer dressed up as Wonder Woman? You put that shit on lockdown, Cohen.

Q: Jim Carrey, Sean Penn, and Benicio Del Toro as the Three Stooges? Can this actually happen?
--J. Black, Hollywood, CA.
A: Are you kidding? Not only is it confirmed to definitely be happening, it's going to be hilarious. First off, this movie is going to be such an epic disaster that it's gonna be awesome. Here's a few reasons why:
-Sean Penn is the least funny man in Hollywood.
-Benicio Del Toro isn't far behind him. And he's WOLFMAN later this year!
-Jim Carrey is gaining 40 lbs to play the fat guy.
-How long into the movie before Penn and Del Toro decide they just want to kill Jim Carrey? But, for real.
-Imagine Penn accidently poking Del Toro in the eyes for real. Shit will go DOWN.
-The Farrelly Brothers can't make a funny movie to save their lives anymore and....they're directing!
-This movie is hopefully going to bomb and keep these 3 away from each other like herpes.

Q: Not many women can be described as a "10". Which begs this disturbing question: are there any women out there that transcend beauty so much that you would sleep with them, provided you had to sleep with a guy first? And you could pick the guy.
--J. Cutler, Denver, CO.
A: Hmmm. This is a tough question. If I had to pick the guy, I'd probably pick someone gay, so at least one of us would enjoy it. And since looks don't really matter, because it'd be traumatizing no matter who it was, I'll say Neil Patrick Harris. Because he's awesome. As for the all important girl side of this answer: gymnast Nastia Liukin. See, if I'm fucking a guy to sleep with this girl, she better be able to do things that no other girl can. And if you watched the Olympics last year, you know Nastia can take down the rings in more ways than one. And I would fully expect her to, for the price I'd be paying. I am the motherfucking BALANCE BEAM, Nastia!!! Settle, Mike....Settle down and move on.

Q: I have trouble picking up women in bars and often lean off of whoever my friends pick up just to stay sane. Do you have any good pickup lines I could use that aren't too cliche and that are not too forward and gross? Also, lines that reference pop culture would be even better! Usually I just walk up and tell girls my name, but it rarely works!
--G. Chiakulas, Mt. Prospect, IL.
A: Here are a few from the vault that tend to work, for the most part (remember, always play into a girls vanity):
Dolan trademark: "You girls are too pretty to be dancing alone."
"Are those real? (girl hits you) OW! I meant those wings on your back, angel."
"If there were a fork in the road, I'd take you."
"Do you have a taser on you? Or are you just naturally this stunning?"
"I had some cheesy pick-up line I was going to say, but I got distracted by how pretty you are."
"Marion Ravenwood sure would be jealous." "Why?" "Cause I just found the Ark of the Covenant right in front of me." (marry the girl is she laughs knowingly)
"I'd like to put you in my movie. It's about Helen of Troy."
"I donate to charity every time I run into a "10". Looks like my first donation will be tomorrow."


Q: It's FUCKING BASEBALL season! That, of course, begs an important question that probably could only be answered by you. What are some ways you can get kicked out of a professional baseball stadium without getting into a fight?
--P. Galore, London, England.
A: You have come to the right place. Obviously, start with alcohol then follow these simple steps:
1. Yell EVERYTHING
2. Make it obvious you are drunk.
3. Swear. A lot.
4. Throw peanuts at people in front of you.
5. Keep drinking.
6. Say something against the home team that nobody else in the stadium will agree with.
Bye!

Q: Why do you talk about masturbation on this blog so much more than you talk about sex?
--STEVE HOLT!, Orange County, CA.
A: Well, think of it this way. If a dog could talk about all the squirrels he was chasing, you wouldn't hear much about the ones he caught. Because he doesn't catch any. He just chases them. Got it?

Q: Say you're having sex and it doesn't last that long. The girl says afterwords "It's fine, besides, it hurts after a while anyway." Is this girl just patronizing you?
--Tim, Champaign, IL.
A: That girl is indeed patronizing you, and with my experience with premature ejaculation, girls don't mind when you've paid them for sex. But other than that, they mind. They are REALLY patronizing you if they say "Oh, don't worry, sex isn't that important to me." Now, if they keep having sex with you, then they must really like you (unless they're fucking around on you), so don't fuck that up. But tell her to stop saying that. She think she's being nice but she's really being extremely emasculating. Bitch!

Q: What's the best April Fool's joke you've ever played on anyone?
--Some Random Idiot, Detroit, MI.
A: My dad once told me it was being born. Just kidding! Sort of. He told me, just not on April 1st. Other than that, this blog is pretty much one big joke. So getting people to read this thing is kind of my April Fools' on everyone. Oh, and I tripped my brother when he was coming out of his room and he wiped out and broke his leg. I don't think that was on April 1st either, but we'll count that one anyway since my life hasn't been known for it's creativity. Not even in Creative Writing.

Q: Hey man, when are you going to get a twitter already? GET WITH IT GRAMPS! It's the new age, whether you like it or not and you might as well join. That way, you can keep up with all your friends and what they are doing every single moment! And celebs, OMGZ!!
--Generic Teenager, Topeka, KS.
A: I've never wanted to kill a reader more than this one but I will admit, I have a twitter account to follow other twitter accounts, rather than update mine. I'm especially fond of reading Puff Daddy's. He's always so motivational and positive! And he capitalizes every other word. It's awesome. It's the first thing I check when I wake up: Puff Daddy's twitter. Reason number 41 why being unemployed can be fun! Other than that, I am indeed NOT a GRAMPS and EVERY motherfucker THAT says SO on MY goddamned BLOG will NEVER get A question ANSWERED ever AGAIN!!!! Got IT?!?! GET OFF MY LAWN!!

Q: How much alcohol in one night do you have to drink to have that night considered "legendary." Legendary, in that everyone that you are with will never forget that night or the story behind it.
--R. Downey, Jr., Hollywood, CA.
A: Sometimes, I think the questions were just made for me. But, in order to be legendary, completely depends on the situation. For a seasoned drinker (say, a college senior), a legendary night would be drinking this simple formula: number of beers + shots +mixed drinks = 1/6th your body weight. (150 lbs = 25 drinks, 200 lbs= around 33) I think that's a fair formula that takes most factors into account. Also, do not attempt this because you can't do it. I know you can't. You pussy. And yeah, I've done it before. So match me, I dare you.

Q: If you had to pick one actress, which do you think would be most willing to have anal on the first date?
--D. Day Lewis, London, UK.
A: I think that there are a few I could name for after a few dates, but after one? Is there possibly a girl out there so deliciously slutty? Elisha Cuthbert aka The Girl Next Door aka Jack Bauer's daughter would. You KNOW she would. Just look at her and tell me she isn't absolutely begging for it:


Q: Fergie's in a movie this year with 7 actor/actresses who have been nominated for an Academy Award. It's by the same guy who did "Chicago." What would it do to your love of movies if Fergie was nominated/won an Oscar? Thank you, Rob Marshall and the cast of "Nine", you have successfully made me consider seeing this just to see how epically bad Fergie will be.
--M. Scorsese, New York, NY.
A: This HAS to be a casting error. HOW HOW HOW?!! Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Collitard, Judi Dench, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson, and FERGIE?!! What. The. Fuck? This is a bigger miscast than Beyonce in (pick 'em).

Q: If you had to have sex with one woman over 60, who would it be? And if you didn't have to, would you anyway?
--A. Kutcher, LegoLand, CA. (OMG Check out my twitter!)
A: I thought nobody would ever ask this question, let alone a guy who posts pictures of his wife's ass on his twitter feed! Obviously my answer is Helen Mirren. Girl keeps in shape for her age! Attempt to sway me, I dare you. Who else could make The Queen so sexy? NOBODY! And of course I would do it anyway! Girlfriend's got it workin' at 63, she deserves a young man to take care of her. Mmm-hmm.

Q: What else do loose lips do beside sink ships? And what's the limit on friendship/ex-girlfriend scale? That is, where does it reach the point where it becomes OK to hook up with his ex, based on your level of friendship?
--Some Sceezbag Who Wants His Friend's Girl, Everywhere, Ever.
A: Loose lips sink the following things: boners, planes, people, Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, and Billy Zane.
As for your second question, there's a clear scale as to when a person broke up with the girl and how good a friend he was, taking into some account how serious their relationship was. If you've ever said "I love you, man" to this guy, drunk or sober, you can't sleep with her ever. Even if he gives you permission, you are still a dick for even thinking about it. If you aren't good friends with this guy, then it doesn't matter when you do it. That guy will not like you anymore no matter when you do it, so just do it. If you are at the point of friendship where you go out with them on the weekends, but probably wouldn't call them yourself, then you are have a dilemma. You HAVE to take into account how over their ex they are. Honestly, there are plenty of girls out there. Do you really need to hook up with a friends ex? Justify it all you want, but if you call someone a friend and I don't mean the facebook way, then don't screw their ex's unless you see love. Then, who could blame you? Don't be a douchebag though.

Q: What would need to happen in your life, between now and the time your 40, for it to be considered a success if you died at 40? (You, personally that is)
--A. Rodriguez, Bronx, NY.
A: Obviously, I've already thought about this question before in my life. A few things would need to happen: Cubs winning the World Series, me getting my Irish citizenship, hooking up with a girl way out of my league JUST ONCE, and to find a job that makes me happy on a daily basis. Of course, I would take one of these happening. Money's never been too important to me and I'll just spend it anyway, so giving me too much could be dangerous.

Q: My ex-girlfriend still reads my blog because she likes it when I "sex-drop" her, or reference a time we had sex. Since I haven't had that many different sex partners, I was wondering if I should continue to "sex-drop" her, reference the few others times I've had sex, or just stop talking about sex?
--Me. I asked myself a question.
A: Well, Me, I think telling everyone that paying for sex 3 times in one day while your in Amsterdam, then hooking up with some fat girl when I was drunk out of my mind in college before I was dating the "sex-drop" girl isn't as effective as saying "I had sex on my brothers bed." Or "that time I turned it up to 11." Or "anal." Or "in the backseat of my car that some readers sit in pretty often." Or "when my friend texting me to stop fucking so we could play vertical beer pong, which would have been more obscene than the sex. Maybe." See, most of my sex stories just wouldn't be alive without the help of Senorita Sex-Drop, which she will now be known as on this blog.
BTW, WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE SITTING IN?!?! BWAHAHAHAHAHHAA. GROSS!

Q: Aren't you just a terrible person?
--Bono, Dublin, Ireland.
A: Was it the anal question that tipped you off?

Well, thanks for reading ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully I pulled a few new readers in through the art of shameless plugging, but obviously I am shameless so I don't really care how it gets done. I'll keep the conclusion short today, but that's only because I can't think of anything to write. But fear not! I will be back soon enough to entertain the shallow, appease the horny, and dismiss the politically correct as pretentious assholes that are just jealous of my superior wit.
Here's a little "goodbye treat" in the form of the sexy Helen Mirren: