I'm So Druankkkkkkk

There are certain things that drive girls wild. Dance beats. Comic books. Watching Fox News. Yup, girls are strange creatures. But us men, we are quite unintelligent and will do anything to sleep with women. After all, women basically get to decide who sleeps with who. Unless their hookers. To help you out men, I've organized a comprehensive guide that can tell you if you are being played or what. Here's 25 Things That Are Better Drunk

1. Boobs.
2. Watching Sports. But Not Women's Sports, Those aren't Sports.
3. Taking a Test and Know That You're Failing It While Taking It.
4. Bragging to Your D.D. about How Awesome the Night Was on the Ride Home.
5. Being "that" jackass and yelling "Freebird!" at any concert ever.
6. Painting over the "s" and "d" in the word speed on a speed limit sign.
7. Sex. Obviously, did you really think I was going to leave this off?
8. Family Parties.
9. Going to a baseball game and standing up every time there's a pop up because you're that guy who thinks it could be a home run.
10. Getting out of a speeding ticket.
11. Posting on your grandma's Facebook wall.
12. Getting kicked out of Applebee's for peeing in your water so you "didn't have to pay for lemonade."
13. Telling 6-Years Old the Tooth Fair is "Just a Bunch of Horsecrap--like The fucking Eagles."
14. Showing Up Anywhere Naked.
15. Getting lost and asking a homeless guy for a ride.
16. Chugging the Communion wine at church.
17. Tackling (or Being) a Mall Santa/Easter Bunny.
18. Sending out a mass text to everyone in your phone book that just says "fuck you" and seeing what happens.
19. Screaming the last word of everyone sentences and saying "whooooooo!!!!" after that word.
20. Ask a girl what kind of drink she wants, then take it from the bartender and start drinking it, say "Mmmmm, this is good, thanks for the suggestion!" and walk away from that girl, seeing her face in utter confusion.
21. Taking a bubble bath using bubble gum.
22. Flashing the Cops while yelling "Oink Oink!"
23. Taking 2 Viagra Before Going Out to a Bar
24. Yelling "L'Chiem!" Before the Couple Finish their Vows at a Wedding.
25. Eating Soup with a Fork.

A Night Out With: The Popped Collar and Ed Hardy

Nothing worse than douchebags. Am I right or am I right? Recently, I wanted to find out what it's like to spend an entire night out with douchebags. I found a guy that wears Ed Hardy and a guy who had a Pink Collard Shirt with a popped collar and hair so gelled it would hurt to run your fingers through it. This is what happened.

Arrive at the Club at exactly 11:00pm

Ed Hardy: Tight, brah, just on the dot. Check out the tools here. The babies in the club be feelin' tahhhnighttttttt.
Popped: Fucking fuck bro. Let's get some brews and mack hard.
Ed Hardy: SICK AS TIGHT BRO.
(High five chest bump, into the club)

Ed Hardy: Hello there beautiful do you like my new sunglasses? I got them to shield me from your shining eyes.
Popped: FUCKIN' SICK PICK UP LINE BRO
Ed Hardy: YEAH BRO! Yo, barkeep, two jagerbombs light on the bombs, if ya can handle.
Popped: JAGERBOMBS LIGHT! FUCKINNNNG BEAUTIFUL!
Ed Hardy: Let us toast to Thealand and all the tight Ed Hardy gear they brewin'!
Popped: AND THE SICK POLO'S BRO!

Popped: Hey gorgeous, wanna come back to my place? I just got the new season of Entrouage. IN FUCKIN' BLUUUUUUU-RAY!
Ed Hardy: Yo, you said yo sis was 17 but maybe you could invite her anyway.
Girl: Tight, you don't mind the age limit things?
Popped: AGE LIMITS FOR FAGS BRO!
Ed Hardy: Alright let's bounce like gelatin. We'll be rollin' in my tight ass tricked out Izuzu. Yo, Popped, grab some Red Bull Lights for the road. Gotta stay energized for you, ladies.
Popped: TIGHT TRANSITION INTO A PICK UP LINE BRO! FOUR RED BULL LIGHTS!
Bartender: That's $15.69
Popped: Sixty nine like me and and your mom later, queer!

Popped: YO WHO WANTS TO WATCH MY REAL WORLD AUDITION TAPE?
Ed Hardy: Pop that in. Trust me ladies, it's about as tight as my all-in-one shampoo-conditioner-cologne-aftershave that I got from Ben Affleck, brosis's.
Popped: It's pretty tight bro. Smells like FUCKIN' SEX PLAYER JUICE!
Ed Hardy: You ladies wanna drink? I got this new recipe for GHBtini. Supposed to be SICK. AS. FUCK.
Girls: We'll have two each.
Popped: It's a FUCKIN' TROJAN NIGHT SICKSTER!
Ed Hardy: Let's bump chests in honor of this glorious time.
(bumps chests. Popped's phone rings)
Popped: Sup? WHAT?! (hangs up) WE GOTTA GO BRO!
Ed Hardy: What is it my brosef?
Popped: CLEARANCE SALE AT ABERCROMBIE FOR KIDS!
Ed Hardy: Oh we gotta go mack.
Popped: LET'S TEENY BOP BOP!
Ed Hardy: To the TIZUZU!
Popped: WAY TO COMBINE TIGHT AND IZUZU BRO!
Ed Hardy: Roll out bizetches.


And that's where they left me. And thank god. Because it was getting kind of ridiculous. But until next time, aur revoir!