Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

More like revenge of the....eh, I got nothing. Yes, yes, since Transformers 2 has come out on DVD I've decided to resurrect this pitiful segment for a limited time. You know the drill: I eat junk food, get sloshed, and watch Michael Bay movies, not necessarily in that order. It's all-around torture (who I am I kidding? I love it). But onward with the tomfoolery! I am proud to say that I have not seen this yet and only sort of paid for it because I got it via Netflix. Also, I'm expecting this to be than Waterworld on Land. Let's shake out booties out on the dock and get groovin' here.

00:00:00: Today, I will be drinking Jack & Coke throughout the film. I miss Jack & Coke. We used to be such a great threesome. In fact, the only threesome I ever had was with Jack & Coke. And by that I mean I had a threesome with Jack and Coke, not two girls because of Jack & Coke. Ugh...it's so much harder to write an immoral blog with judges of character now reading. Juuuuuuuuuuuust kiddinggggggggg.......

00:01:00: You people that like this crap realize it's about toys right? Also, there are Mayans. This has alot to do with stuff I bet.

00:02:01: Oh, so the Mayans discovered the transformers first? Cliche alert: 1.

00:03:31: Nothing says awesome movie like a robot narrator. Reminds of those speech filters on the really old Mac comps.

00:04:56: Tyrese and that guy who played Tad Hamilton are pretty attractive males. And usually I'd wait until an hour and three drinks in to say that.

00:06:14: OK, the problem I have so far with this movie is that it's really stinky. What, you were expecting something profound?

00:06:41: Are those robots voiced by Chris Tucker and his gay brother Christoph Tucker?

00:08:16: Robots are fighting. How much it matters is up to you.

00:09:33: Shia's mom cries as he's about to leave for college. I remember when I left for college. My parents just told me "please don't fuck this up." Direct quote.

00:10:31: Dogs humping. So far, that's the most interesting thing that's happened so far.

00:11:31: Megan Fox sighting. Why is she talking? Shut up.

00:12:49: Everything in Shia's kitchen is turning into deadly robots. I think. I'm just judging by the music.

00:14:21: There's a war in Shia's front lawn! Reminds me of my 21st birthday.

00:16:19: Megan Fox is undressing. AND not talking. MMMMHMMM.

00:18:03: How could you be in a Long Distance Relationship with Megan Fox and not think she's gonna bang half the block by the time you're 40 miles away?

00:19:01: Just to let you know: There is NO plot yet. Still waiting. Oh wait, there's two black robots apparently and one's an ice cream truck. I'll have a butta pecan, yo!

00:21:28: Cheesy religious reference by Tyrese. Cliche Alert: 192.

00:22:59: "You're paid to shoot, not talk." Michael Bay: He Can Even Offend the Troops!

00:23:53: When you need a character to give a speech explaining what the plot of the movie is, your movie SUCKS BALLS.

00:25:00: The dialogue...ugh. Who wrote this, Bobo the Performing Monkey?

00:25:36: Popular Rock Song. Cliche Alert: 244.

00:26:29: therealeffingdeal.com. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, cause it's mentally disabled.

00:27:11: Pause. Drink NUMERO DOS, POR FAVOR!

00:27:46: Shia's roomie is obsessed with the media's cover up of the robots. Of course.

00:29:33: Shia's mom is high off hash brownies. OK. That's actually pretty funny. I wish my mom would do that.

00:31:12: Robot puking something down a pipe. Oh it's a bunch of little robots. How sweet.

00:32:22: Sorry, I'm not really paying attention. BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED!

00:33:07: College party with girls that are so hot they wouldn't even need to go to college. Cliche Alert: 333.

00:34:25: I bet this girls evil. Also hot. Lapdance. Megan Fox is waiting by a computer for Shia. I hate Shia.

00:35:01: "I was going to get you a tighter shirt." "There is no tigher shirt. We checked." Stuff you'll hear at a frat party, take one.

00;37:15: Either Shia's car spooged all over some girl, or my middle name isn't Francis. (Hint: it might be)

00:38:16: Plot update: none.

00:40:10: Normally there'd be more witty comments, but there is literally nothing happening.

00:41:01: Evil robot rises from the ashes of the deep blue see and quickly lands on another planet. LOVEEEEEEEE IT!

00:42:44: i wonder if these robots can go on Facebook like, in their heads. That'd be pretty badass. Also, I'm thinking of starting Colts Defense over Patriots Defense in fantasy football. Your thoughts?

00:43:44: DWIGHT FROM THE OFFICE AS A COLLEGE PROFESSOR! He just told a girl to finish his apple. And keeps flirting with the hot girls in the front row. "There are no questions til the climax." No truer words....

00:45:20: Shia just had a seizure. I know cause I read up on them when I started dated an epileptic.

00:46:13: Megan Fox is about to get invaded. And god, even the humor in this is more forced than a huge black penis into a teenager in amateur porn. ugh. too much visiual.

00:47:38: Some mini-robots stepping in mouse traps. WHAT A KLUTZ LOLZZZZZZZZZZ!

00:48:55: There is a Bad Boys 2 poster in Shia's dorm. (Another Michael Bay Movie) I think I just might punch my fireplace.

00:50:11: Shia just wrote hieroglyphics all over his dorm and the evil blonde that his car spooged on is coming on to him hard. Megan Fox is coming in. Broken up. OH THE BLONDE'S A ROBOT! Happens to the best of 'em Shia.

00:52:11: OK, if I HAD to get killed, it would be by a hot alien robot. Ugh I'm already too drunk to write. This could be fuN!

00:53:43: Trapped in the library! It's like Columbine with technology!

00:54:46: Megan Fox acting < Megan Fox sitting doing nothing.

00:55:55: OK. What just happened, nobody would ever survive. NO SCRATCHES! WHERE ARE WE, NARNIA?!!?!? FCK ME.

00:56:44: Shia's taken prisoner by some evil robot thing. He can cross that off his sex fantasy list.

00:58:19: I mean Shia's talking about relationships with the evil robot and I mean, that's a major turn off after just meeting someone. Right, ladies?

01:00:01: If robots fight in the forest, do people pay $9.50 to see it? Apparently the answer is: you're retarded if you did.

01:01:19: Robot dialogue > Human dialogue

01:03:04: Robots fighting with depressing sad music. Listen: this is the sound of me not caring.

01:04:49: God, Shia's mom is such a unhot mess.

01:06:13: Tanker just got destroyed. How is there an hour an twenty minutes left? Fuck me running.

01:07:08: Watching this in Blu-Ray makes me want to destroy my Blu-Ray player.

01:08:55: News reports about what just happened. You know, this movie could've been 3 minutes shorter without this.

01:10:00: Racist robots are back. I mean, they aren't even really trying to be racially alright. They are just straight up stereotypes. Might as well be carrying some KFC and Watermelon.

01:12:09: YOU DIDN'T JUST DO TYRESE LIKE THAT!

01:13:25: FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER. See, I can do it too, Michael Bay.

01:14:29: If I were a racist robot, I'd totally be sippin' on Hen and Patron.

01:15:48: John Turtorro owns a Jewish delicasttesian. I wish someone would take me to a Jewish deli....just saying.

01:16:43: DUDE'S GOT BAGEL'S TO SCHMEAR!

01:17:22: Secret hideout underneath the Jewish deli. Anti-Jewish conspiracy theorist ammuniation, take four.

01:18:44: Their using words and phrases I'm supposed to know but don't. Hey, I could lie and say I know what I'm doing but then I'd be Michael Bay.

01:20:28: No, that dude's ass does not look better in Blu-Ray.

01:21:32: That guy just tasered someone without his pants on. Is that a worse crime than doing it WITH your pants on?

01:22:40: Megan Fox running to dramatic music. I wonder if that happens like, in her real life.

01:24:00: That can't be a old British transformer. S-T-E-R-E-O-T-Y-P-E. LAZY ASS MOVIE FUCKERS.

01:25:49: Did that robot really just fart or am I THAT drunk?

01:27:19: Megan Fox just landed on that guys testicles. Am I joking? Clearly, I'm not.

01:29:10: I hate this movie so much, I almost want to cry, die, or throw up. ROBO FLASHBACK! You know that show Bored to Death? I feel like they were thinking of titles for it while watching this.

01:32:40: Megan Fox in a birka. Racism, keep it coming!

01:33:49: Where are these guys, Islam?

01:34:49: OK, has Michael Bay ever seen another race besides white? Hahaha this guys really short. If he were a girl, that would turn me on.

01:36:38: Bangage = imminent. And Megan Fox is involved. I know, I almost put it on pause too.

01:38:02: Their looking at Orion's belt. Someone exploring some un-hetero feelings, Shia?

01:39:22: Tyrese, Tad Hamilton, and some nervous White Guy are about to jump off a plane. i'm in a rap video, apparently.

01:41:44: They're in some Egyptian temple and still they try and make the prettiest thing Megan Fox. WHAT ABOUT THE RACIST ROBOTS? I LOVE 'EM!

01:43:14: Robo-graveyard. About as lame as some of the puns I use.

01:44:02: OK PAUSE I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEE.

01:44:33: OK, BACK! My brother Bobby is going to his girlfriends house. Thought you'd want to know.

01:45:44: Soliders, robots, goats, and more racism.

01:46:50: Tech guy looks nervous. What a pussy. Whoa they just tasered him unconcious. DON'T TASE HIM BRO!

01:48:36: Tyrese just doesn't like the desert. BUT YOU'RE FROM THERE!

01:49:55: Our army is so smart in this movie. Makes you wonder why you don't name all our missions "OPERATION TRANSFORMERS TWO"

01:51:30: I think I just heard the robots talking about The Matrix. I mean, why bring Keanu into this? Seems a bit unfair, even for Keanu.

01:53:00: No, Tech guy, being in the middle of "The Gunfight at OK Corral" is generally not a good thing. DID YOU EVER GO TO HISTORY CLASS TECH BOY?

01:54:40: You'd think after being next to Shia for almost 4 hours in both movies, Megan wouldn't be afraid of the robots anymore. Especially since she hangs around SHIA. BABABABABABABABABBA-BOOM!

01:56:54: I think that monster from Return of the Jedi has returned in robot form to try and kill Shia. For those that don't know what I'm talking about, RACIST ROBOTS!

01:58:33: Where am I? Is this movie still real? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

01:59:49: How the hell did Shia's parents get there? I've missed so much. AND THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT THE MATRIX! WHERE"S KEANUE AND LAURENCE FISHBURNE THEN? NOWHERE!

02:02:02: Bumbleebee is the lamest name for something that's trying to be cool ever. I mean, maybe except Michael Francis.

02:03:45: I'll remember what you did John Turturo. Barton Fink, Rounders, The Big Lebowski. GOOD SHIT BESIDES THIS!

02:05:11: Stop destroying the Giza Pyramids! Don't you know that that's a UNESCO HERITAGE SITE?

02:07:16: This is the lamest robot fighting I've seen since WALL-E tried to get past that fat guy.

02:08:05: Say what you will about who she is as a person or actress, Megan Fox running is slo-mo with a halter top on? Rarely do things get better. Unless it's my girlfriend doing it, of course. (BOYFRIEND FILTER ACTIVATED)

02:09:34: Old British robot's back. Ugh. I hate British stuff. Except soccer. And beer.

02:11:02: Is staying on someone's ass a good thing, Tyrese?

02:12:10: More Megan Fox slo-mo = more winning. OH AND IT KEEPS ON GOING! LOLZ WOW!

02:13:48: WILL SHIA LIVE?!!!!!!!!!??!?!??!?

02:14:36: OK this is too fucked up. Is Shia in robo-heaven? This is beyond retarded. BUT SHIA LIVES PRAISE ALLAH.

02:15:52: You know that scene with the adrenline shot to the heart in Pulp Fiction? Well Shia just did that to a robot. Excuse me while I lose faith in humanity.

02:17:07: The bad bots are about to do something terrible. I care like not.

02:18:59: Stupid Robo fighting. I don't care who wins, unless WALL-E is fighting.

02:20:24: Good robots win. WHO PREDICTED THAT? GIVE YOURSELF A FUCKING GOLD STAR.

02:21:44: Shia and Megan make out behind the sunset and honestly, it is kind of a romantic scene. Too bad it's a robot movie.

02:22:22: The movie ends with more robo narrarating ane me succumbing to retardation poisoning.

02:22:44: DWIGHT MAKES HIS RETURN IN THE CREDITS! AND WE'LL END ON THAT NOTE!


Well, Jesus H. Christ. Even for a Michael Bay movie, that was hideous. I think that was worse than Pearl Harbor. Definitely one of the worst movies of the decade. AND I'VE SEEN MEET THE SPARTANS! Anyways, I actually am thinking of keeping this segment going. Maybe I'll start doing it with the crappy ass American Pie sequels that come out straight to DVD every year. We'll see. But until next time, maybe it you that should be bidding me adieu. After all, I'm the one doing all the work here. ADIOS!

Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Transformers

Hey ladies, gentlemen, and other things that can inexplicably read! I've decided to come and finish my Drunk Real Michael Bay Review segment. (No, I'm not doing Transformers 2. I don't think either of us will lose too much sleep over it) I hate Tranformers. I hate Shia LaBeof. But one thing I don't hate it being done with stuff that I hate. So today I finish this abysmal segment, unless I decide to keep it going later on through another director, once and for all. And to all those reading, I'd just like to remind you: I'm not a douchebag asshole writer, I just play one on the Internet. Intro's are for essays. And this is drinking and matching a movie. So let'sssssssssssssssssss GO!

00:00:00: My drink of choice today? Well, I feel like you've been cheated. I haven't got as drunk as I really could've during these segments. So today, if I have all the ingredients, I'm going to be drinking LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS during this garbage flick. (Checks for ingredients....Damnit! I don't have Triple Sec. That is so not worth going to buy.) How bout I create a drink? Ok. Whiskey, Tequila, Sprite with a dash of Champagne. And guess what? It's so good, only a genius would think of it. I now proclaim this drink "The Mannequin" in honor of my fav band Jack's Mannequin and the fact that I'll probably be acting as lifeless as a mannequin after I finish it.

00:00:44: Is it too much to complain about the TV i'm watching Blu-Ray on being too small?

00:02:00: Robot monologues are as monotonely boring as you'd expect one to be.

00:02:39: Taye Diggs is so racist. Attractive, but racist. The good ones, it's always something. Am I right ladies?

00:03:44: How bad do you have to piss someone off to be stationed in Qatar?

00:05:13: Some soldiering skyping with his cute wife asked if his kid "just farted or not." What a catch.

00:06:39: First Transformer sighting and he just straight up murders an army base. When in Qatar...

00:07:50: Transformer downloads all our secrets then throws a few tanks around. No big.

00:09:18: Shia aka Whitwickie, has the worst lame-o name ever in this movie. Let's call him Shia Witwickkie.

00:10:50: First Megan Fox sighting. She's currently ripping out souls in my head.

00:11:45: This is how Shia Witwickie convinced his teacher to give him an A: "What would Jesus do?" Probably tell him his report sucks ass, that's what.

00:12:40: Bernie Mac! BACK FROM THE DEAAAAAAAAAAAD!

00:13:54: Ostrich at a car dealer? Seems relevant.

00:15:35: Car destroys parking lot and Bernie Mac gives into the bartering. That's not the Mac we all knew and loved.

00:16:40: Secretary of Defense recruits kids younger than me to save America. Story of my life, really.

00:17:10: Holy shit, that guy looks exactly like Ryan Reynolds if Ryan was fat and grew a mullet.

00:18:00: Advice to Shia: If you're hawking antiques on ebay, a good user name is NOT ladiesman217.

00:20:49: Shia getting made fun of by the popular kids. I know that, S-Dawg.

00:21:59: When you have a friend that climbs trees, you're chances of having sex with Megan Fox go down times 40,000.

00:23:10: Shia was wondering if he could ride Megan home. His words, not mine.

00:24:36: Megan Fox has an Oscar, right?

00:26:07: Does this movie have a plot, or am I just supposed to be looking at Megan Fox?

00:27:31: How did you not try and kiss her Shia? Wimp.

00:28:09: Guy makes fun of Iran. That's bush league dude.

00:28:50: There's a Tranofrmer on Air Force One. Probably up to good things.

00:29:59: Downloading shit off AFO. GET OFF MY PLANE!

00:30:43: Do hot girl British computer programmer really exist or is that a movie thing?

00:32:19: Secret Service agents getting capped like 50 Cent at a fried chicken BBQ. Not racist. If you don't have fried chicken BBQ's, you have no taste in food.

00:33:25: Robot language is confusing and annoying after tequila and whiskey.

00:34:08: Shia's car is getting stolen by itself. It makes sense if you're Michael Bay and/or a Transformer collector. (hint: you aren't)

00:35:29: If you give a "last words" on video and you mention porn, you are Shia Witwickiee.

00:36:38: Who ever asks "I wonder if Jon Voight's available?" when they are casting movies.

00:37:39: Hot British programmer is actually Australian. That makes her hotter since....I hate British things. Except soccer. I love that.

00:39:11: We are back in Qatar with our soldiers. And thank god, because I was just missing lame action sequences.

00:40:29: Killer robots all OVER the place. No wonder Qatar's tourism industry is strugling.

00:41:33: Taye Diggs screaming about his ass.

00:43:18: Air support blah blah, gunfire, explosions, racism, death. You get the point.

00:44:08: If Taye Diggs tells you to "bring the rain," you better BRING THE RAIN DAMNIT!

00:45:39: There's only one hacker in the world who can crack that code and it's ANTHONY ANDERSON. His fat cuz is busy playing DDR. What a player.

00:47:22: Project Iceman? What is this, Top Gun? Anthony Anderson is crying like a woman. Blech yuck insert unreal word of disgust.

00:48:33: Shia just totally wiped out on a pink bike in front of Megan Fox while being chased by his car. And something tells me that police car is a robot. Hunch only.

00:50:40: ROBOT WARSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

00:51:01: That robot really wants to find out who the ladies man is.

00:53:05: I don't remember what I was going to type.

00:54:22: Robot's are fighting and Shia's in his underwear. Because anything else would be uncivilized.

00:54:49: Found Megan and Shia's future professions: Robot killer and Placekicker.

00:56:30: I doubt Shia's the weirdest boy Megan Fox has ever met.

00:57:38: Nothing like a good ol' fashioned robot fight to bring two horny teens together.

00:59:187: So astroids are really robots? Or are robots really astroids? DOES IT MATTER?

01:00:59: Because if I were a shifting robot, I'd be a Pontiac Solstice!

01:02:39: Literally nothing has happened but music in the last 2 minutes.

01:03:59: His guardian is named Bumblebee. Whatever, mine was named Red Robin Butterfly.

01:05:28: Flashback in a robot movie? Pretentious.

01:06:45: If someone told me I was the key to Earth's survival, that would prove there is no God.

01:07:38: In a 8 second montage, Anthony Anderson eats an entire plate of doughnuts. Also, heart disease.

01:08:23: Anthony is a virgin. Ouch, that guys like 35.

01:10:39: Robot: "Sorry, my bad." You're talking about the movie, right?

01:12:11: If a robot carried Megan Fox up to my room, I wouldn't be looking for glasses. You know what? I probably would be. I'm all talk. But I don't wear glasses. I'd probably look for socks or something.

01:13:50: Robots running into power lines and fat guys running under tables. A day in the life of Michael Bay.

01:14:40: YOU DO NOT WANT SHIA'S DAD TO START COUNTING!

01:15:30: Literal conversation about Shia masturbating. Or "Shia's Happy Time" as it's called in the movie.

01:17:08: Yikes Spikes! The FBI has showed up at Shia Witwickie's. John Tutorro is NOT happy.

01:18:09: Word's you don't want to hear an older lady hear: "Keep your hands off my bush!"

01:19:11: Shia is OFF THE CHARTS on the E-Meter. BTW, this drink ROCKS!

01:21:02: Robot ambush on the FBI. Fucked Beyond Ignition. or something.

01:21:45: I wish I had a robot friend. I mean, for when I get lonely. Wait. All this is coming out wrong aka drunk.

01:23:37: Robot just pissed all over an FBI agent. Not funny, that's a ffederal offense.

01:25:38: Jesus! That robots leaving potholes bigger than the ones in Rand Road!

01:26:48: Ever seen a movie where spectacles are the plot point? Welcome to Michael Bay's World. I gotta bathroom.

01:28:49: I mean, stuff happened while I was in the bathroom...but you don't really care, do you?

01:30:20: TOTAL WORLDWIDE BLACKOUT ON ALL COMM. That's what you get for messing with alien robot things.

01:30:50: If they think I believe that lame ass President Herbert Hoover would set up an awesome secret alien division, than they have something else coming...on their FACE!

01:31:52; These people in the movie act like there's only three options for a villain: Russian, North Korean, or alien robot.

01:33:15: I also bought a car, Shia Witwickie, but the strangest thing about it was that it has this little scratch on the driver door that has just kept rusting and rusting and I'm not sure what to do. I'm just not a greasehead you know? Whatev LOL!

01:34:55: Robbot monologue about mistakes and honor and peace and....yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

01:36:00: I wish John Tutorro would ask me if I wanted a Double Venti Macciato.

01:38:02: Megatron is Harbinger of Death, apparently. I don't really know what any of those words mean, I'm just writing down what they're saying.

01:39:08: Again, there ain't enough tequila in the world to make me believe Hoover was cool.

01:39:48: All the bad robots are transportation devices and looking for their evil alien robot leader. It's as cool as the Blackberry was before the iPhone.

01:41:49: Seems like, if I had a secret government base it wouldn't be in the Hoover Dam, but what do I know? I'm just sane and not completely moronical.

01:42:49: Ten bucks says the evil frozen robot wakes up. I swear, I've never seen this before....(WINK WINK) I swear....

01:43:46: One of the secret agents names is "Siemens." Hehe.

01:44:50: What is this "all-spark" they keep talking about? Sex toy?

01:46:24: I'm bored. Anyone wanna play beer pong?

01:46:50: Frozen robot's awake. You owe me 10.

01:47:30: They are asking for some sort of cube. Ice Cube? I think he's in South Centra'

01:48:20: Why are hot Australian girls so hot when they talk Australian?

01:48:21: I'm pretty weird.

01:49:50: I've always wanted to give an authenticated air strike order. Someone get Barack on the phone.

01:50:59: Here's Michael Bay's patented "road destruction sequence." Help us, lord, we pray.

01:52:14: Can't the fat black guy just save the day already? The tequila is hurting my brain.

01:53:15: I feel like if I played Taye Diggs' character, you wouldn't have noticed the difference. Besides the skin color, of course.

01:54:19: Jeez, why don't Shia Witwickie and Megan Foxer get a f'n room already?

01:55:28: It's the return of the PONTIAC SELICA! Get ready for some actioN!

01:56:15: Explosions behind Megan Fox in slow-mo? Not even the strictest film critic can complain about that.

01:57:55: Megatron just ripped a robot in half. I keep thinking I spilled on myself but it's just a shadow on me. Goddamnit, it's still annoying.

01:59:00: Don't you love how in movies all you have to do is repeat your request over and over and you'll get your way?

02:00:32: I'm sorry, but something is lost in a robot fight. How do I know what hurts them? Not cool at all.

02:01:50: I'm not sure who the good robots are, but they all are sure to be causing alot of death.

02:02:32: An xbox just turned into a robot. Can I ever play video games again? Not unless it's FIFA '10!

02:03:44: I mean, just a whole bunch of gunfire and stuff. Nothing really relevant to any sort of plot.

02:04:49: Megan Fox, gunfire, Megan Fox, robot explosion, Megan Fox, death, fire, Megan Fox, win.

02:06:18: Even robot villains talk and talk and talk to give the good guys time to save each other. SO LAME EPIC FAIL.

02:07:04: Shia WItwickie falls from some building but is caught. Hey, the Cubs are looking for a new catcher, you interested?

02:09:39: BRING THE RAIN TAYE DIGGS! And they do, naturally.

02:10:59: Megatron is gettting lit up worse than Kevin Gregg.

02:11:50: Evil robot dead, Shia fine, and good robots giving life lessons. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK IN A QUALITY FLICK? WHO NEEDS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT PLOT POINTS OR SMART DIALOGUE?

02:13:09: Bumblebee wishes to stay with the boy. Sounds like "Transformers: The Brokeback Mountain Edition" is in development.

02:14:11: Ugh. Another robot monologue to end the movie. I wonder how Bumblebee feels to be getting made out on by Megan Fox and Shia Witwickie.

02:15:00: Don't believe them, there's no sequel!

02:15:10: THE MOVIE/SEGMENT/TORTURE is OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Blech! My excitement is beyond the level that a coke addicted raver that's about to have sex with a celebrity must feel! I really hope you enjoyed this whole Michael Bay segment because I didn't. I mean, reading them is fun but writing them is like being shot through space without a spacesuit. Cold and lonely. Anyways, I think I deserve a few days off and I'm going to take them. Have a good weekend ladies! I'm not a drunk writer asshole douchebag. Except on this website.

PEACE I"M OUT

Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: The Island

With my Michael Bay series at only 3 movies left, I'm a tad bit torn. On one hand, I won't have to watch these crappy movies anymore while drinking. On the other hand, I---wait, why am I torn? I'm more ecstatic than anything. So get your ice bucket near, find a ripped copy of the DVD online and join me as I watch and drink a movie I couldn't be more apathetic about. Another over 2 hour extraganza of horror Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: The Island. At least Scarlett Johansson is in it. She's pretttttty.

00:00:00: Today, I'll be drinking 7 & 7's cause that's really all I drink anymore. Whatever. Let's get this show on the proverbial road. (I could use proverbial in any sentence and you wouldn't know the proverbial difference. What a garbage word.)

00:01:00: The back of ScarJo's head is prettier than most girl's whole head.

00:02:35: To describe the scene I just saw would give me a seizure.

00:03:36: Ewen McGregor has a high sodium level. Must be all those soft pretzels. They are pretty yummy.

00:05:25: Big black dude won the lottery. Something tells me "going to the island" is like telling your 5 year old your dead dog ran away.

00:08:18: Where do I sign up for this place?

00:10:10: Anything hotter than ScarJo asking for 5 pieces of bacon? Not that I know of.

00:12:40: Is Ewen McGregor a good actor? I can never tell. Good looking cat though.

00:13:34: Preach on Ewen! Tofu night is for losers!

00:15:49: Synaptic brain scan does NOT sound harmless, guy who played the villain in Goldeneye.

00:17:14: "What are we doing here anyway?" Good question.

00:19:18: Lima One Alpha starts going into labor. Maybe her kids name will be Lima Beana Zeta.

00:21:06: Hey look! It's Steve Buscemi! Must be awesome to be Michael Bay's go-to-guy.

00:21:49: "You're a bad influence on me...must be why I like you." Pretty much all my friends have told me that at least once.

00:23:40: Ewen sees a butterfly and this, ladies and gentlemen, is an actual plot point.

00:25:03: So this island is for growing people? They stole my idea.

00:26:56: Creepy overview of exo-skeletens. Exactly what I want to watch when I'm pouring another drink.

00:28:01: Virtual kickboxing between ScarJo and E-Mac. I think he lets her win. Hell, who wouldn't?

00:29:29: I wish ScarJo could tell when I was lying...in her bed. ZING!

00:30:12: Residents have just discovered the word "Dude". Now they know 5% of my vocab.

00:31:10: ScarJo wins the island lottery and she gets a one-way ticket to paradise, death, or Michael Bay's living room.

00:33:43: Ewen's doing something but....uh....idk wtf's goin 2 happ.

00:34:55: E-Mac is playing doctor. Or scientist? He's the MASTTTTTER OF DISGUISE!

00:36:18: Lima Beana just gave birth and now they are killing her. Come on silly, I coulda told u that!

00:37:05: Ewen = horrified. Now they are giving the baby to some real couple. So this is an adoption agency? Lamest. Plot. Ever.

00:39:02: Words you don't wanna hear when you're getting surgery: "I don't want to have to euthanize this guy to get his liver." So now this is an organ transplant harvesting plant? Better than adoption agency, still ultra-lame.

00:41:25: Ewen's been caught snooping. You are, as they in China, about to be aborted.

00:41:55: Drinking is funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNnnnnnn.

00:43:01: E-Mac and ScarJo are escaping. THINK THEY'LL MAKE IT OMGZZ???

00:44:10: The cameraman is having a seizure, somebody call NINE ONE ONE! THE CAMERAMAN IS SEIZING ON THE GROUND FLOOR! OH OH OH!

00:45:47: If ScarJo saved my life, I'd thank her. Hard.

00:47:36: Still trying to escape. Is this gonna be the rest of the movie? There better be a sex scene or something.

00:49:25: So they were really just underground in the desert. Might be a bit of a hike out of there.

00:51:19: Black guy walking off a helicopter, much cooler than any white guy could ever hope to look walking out of helicopter.

00:54:24: Resting on the steps of a Mayan temple. Will they sing nonsense songs in 12 bars to the jaguars? Ok, ok, now I'm getting too obscure.

00:55:10: E-Mac, didn't anyone ever tell not to play with rattlesnakes?

00:56:32: They stop educating these droids at 15 so they won't have sex. Clearly, they never went to high school.

00:57:00: Dialogue fail: after seeing a motorcycle, "what's that?!" "I don't know...but I want one." And I want a fucking pony.

00:57:05: Epic dialogue sequence about dumping and cans and straight up booze.

00:58:06: Give me your number. "Two delta." OH SCARLET!! SO CUTIEEEEE!

00:59:31: Steve Buscemi's telling ScarJo and E-Dawg there's no Santa Claus. Or something.

01:00:14: Ohhhh, they're clones. That makes more sense than my creepy aliens from the sun theory.

01:01:49: They've got sponsors out in the real world. Eventually, we'll have that in common.

01:03:09: DJIMON HONOSOU = BORN TO TRACK DOWN ROGUE CLONES

01:04:07: So ScarJo and E-Boy are going to find their original copies. Seems like THAT'll end well.

01:06:22: Steve Buscemi tells them not to trust anyone. Bet they trust people and get screwed. OH NO! just shot at.

01:07:07: ScarJo running? Win.

01:08:30: E-Bunny and ScarJo get on a futuristic looking train. Are we in Japan?

01:10"06: Hover trains? Seems a little pretentious, even for California.

01:11:08: ScarJo sees her real self in a perfume ad. Awwwkward.

01:11:22: Wait, two ScarJo's? Not awk-ward. awk-some!

01:12:42: "We just got a facial hit on our fugitive." Oooo, sounds kinky.

01:14:11: Our heroes are arrested, but not by ROGUE CLONE HUNTER.

01:15:40: ROGUE CLONE HUNTER inadvertanely helps our heroes escape from the cops. LAPD fail.

01:17:49: Getting chased. I'll let you know what happens.

01:19:19: So many cars were destroyed since we last talked, I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

01:21;00: E-Gregor and ScarJo are on some futuristic hover motorcylce thing. Despite being a clone, E-Dawg has mastered the art of the probably easy-to-drive hover motorcycle. Now for only $24,000!

01:23:10: It's EPIC BEARD GUY from Bad Boys 2! Our heroes = fucked.

01:24:29: Literal scene: heroes feel off a building a landed in a net. Fine. A NET!

01:26:05: Awww, they're about to kill E-Dawg's friend. Good thing I've seen that actor on small-time commercials now.

01:28:08: Clones about to meet theyselves. I smell sitcommmmmmmmm.

01:28:11: I also smell like Seagrams 7.

01:29:20: Ewen meets Ewen and all the ladies swoon like it's Christmas in Jew-ly.

01:30:50: So the clones gain the abilities of their real guys. My clone would rule.

01:32:10: Real Ewen talks in Scottish and fake Ewen talks American. Talk about an ugly accent contest.

01:34:11: This is too weird to even remotely enjoy. Also, it's too stupid.

01:35:33: Real Ewen is turning them in. Motherfucker's gotta represent.

01:36:55: I'd let a clone drive my $500,000 car too. If I was SCOTTISH AND DUMB.

01:38:22: Ewen must escape from ROGUE CLONE HUNTER! And oh, is he manuevering through traffic like a drunk Scottish highlander.

01:40:12: Now both Ewen's are trying to convince ROGUE CLONE HUNTER that they are both the original.

01:41:04: Real dude, murdered. ROGUE CLONE HUNTER might want to find a new job.

01:42:56: E-Dawg kisses S-Jo. OMG SO JEALOUS!

01:43:21: "That tongue thing is amazing." Words men can only dream of saying to SJO. Oh, they just banged.

01:45:40: So they're gonna kill E-Dawgs entire line of clones. That's a bigger recall than Ford! BOO-YA CAR JOKE!

01:47:02: Here's the "We Can't Let Them Get Away With This Moment Accompained By Emotional Instrumenatal Music."

01:48:24: Just going around killing clones like it ain't a thang.

01:49:30: ScarJo gets captured purposely by ROGUE CLONE HUNTER. Interracial scene imminent.

01:50:30: E-Dawg posing as the real guy to get into the clone place. Clones intelligence > mine.

01:51:55: Some creepy guy gets in ScarJo's face about her kidneys. DON'T TAKE THAT GIRL!

01:53:10: ScarGregor meet up. Loveeee it.

01:54:31: ROGUE CLONE HUNTER seems broken up about this whole clone killing operation. NO! CHARACTER RUINED!

01:55:30: Sean Bean, you're last name and your acting are just things that make me fart.

01:56:49: Don't you wish the place you worked at had a hologram room? I'd be all up in their eerday.

01:58:10: Scarjo and ROGUE CLONE HUNTER are now a team to be reckoned with. ladies and gents, it doesn't get much better.

01:59:40: Fights and explosions. Too hard to tell what's really going on, but it's all good. Because you just know E-Dawg's gonna beat the Bean.

02:01:04: Explaining what just happened is impossible. The Bean is dead. Long live the Lima.

02:02:22: The clones all run away as ROGUE CLONE HUNTER walks through the light. So epic.

02:03:10: Whaddya get when you get a few thousand clones walking around aimlessly in the desert? Some pretty damn confused clones! BWAHAHAHHAHA! (That really wasn't funny though, was it?)

02:04:27: ScarJo and E-Baby sail away to a REAL island, presumably to have ultra-attractive looking kids. I'm talking EPIC HOTTNESS!

Fin.


There you have it. We come closer and closer to this emotionally and physically draining segment only known as the drunk michael bay review. With only the two Transformers movies left to go, I'll probably do the first one next week and wait til the other one comes out on Blu-Ray, which is hopefully never. Anyways, I hope at least YOU enjoy this uber-disastorous drunken rambling on shitty movies. But you know what? I actually didn't mind doing it to this one. Not to say that the movie was good by any means, but compared to Pearl Harbor, I'd give this an Oscar. Anyways....
ADIOS MUCHACHOS!

Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Bad Boys 2

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dogs and cats, welcome to another great edition of the blog. Today, I continue my Drunk Real-Time Michael Bay series. This time we'll be watching Bad Boys 2. I really need to thank Mikey Bay for making his two worst movies in a row. Also, why are his movies sooooo long? I don't know. Let's get drunk and watch Bad Boys II, shall we?

00:00:00: Today I will be drinking vodka tonics during my reviewing. Why the change? I heard about a scurvy outbreak and I hear tonic prevents you from getting that. Hooray.

00:00:33: We begin in an ecstasy lab in Amsterdam. So far...sooooooooo good.

00:02:04: Dropping coffins full of heroin in the water.

00:03:05: Sean "P Diddy" Combs as a Music Consultant. That's how you know a movie's gonna be good.

00:05:45: Nothing like a KKK rally to introduce your two main black characters.

00:08:39: Wow, what a bad 3 minute action sequence that was there basically for Martin and Will to hear themselves talk.

00:10:18: Marty got shot in the ass. Now he knows how I feel.

00:11:29: Bad guy meeting. By bad, I mean bad actors, bad characters, and BAD BOYS!

00:13:18: Montage of Will and Martin in various therapy sessions. Wait, am I watching the right movie?

00:15:22: Michael from Lost playing a Jamaican? At least he's not screaming about his kid.

00:17:59: Will wants to bang Marty's sister. Whoa wait. They already are banging. Good for those kiddies.

00:22:33: MGD logo all over the place. No shameless promotion or anything.

00:24:24: Quick cuts of money going through a machine. Oh, Russians. If they were smart, they'd deal in euro's.

00:25:34: Rastafarian gang. Now we're getting somewhere. (Jamaica?)

00:27:11: "Muscle car...3 black occupants." Criminals?

00:28:38: Martin Lawrence wearing a Vick jersey. Wonder if he's in on the dog thing.

00:30:00: Just a whole bunch of black guys driving and shooting at each other. Points for realism.

00:32:03: What's all the Rasta violence, mon? I thought you be peaceful!

00:33:39: Ever wonder what happens to the innocent people that get in accidents because of car chases? Seems unfair, that's really gonna hurt their insurance premiums.

00:35:11: Cars are getting thrown at Will and Martin in a Ferrari. I mean.....that's cool I guess.

00:38:18: Martin is telling his mom on his sister/girl Will's banging.

00:40:39: 22 cars and a boat totaled. But that's not grounds for firing, suspension, or even a slap on the wrist. Or butt, for that matter.

00:44:09: Villain has rats eating his money. Reasonable response? Shooting at them.

00:46:30: Talking about Will's mom's titties. You know a movies bad when you lose my attention when you're talking about boobs.

00:47:54: Dancing and breaking stuff. No joke.

00:48:58: Some actor playing a Rastafarian who is speaking with a Korean or Thai accent. Always get those confused.

00:52:15: Martin apologizing to some guy who was just shooting at him. Must be a black thing.

00:$4:34: Porn on at Circuit City. Maybe if they really did that, people would actually go there instead of Best Buy.

00:57:00: Not sure, but I think I just listened to a 2 minute conversation about Matin Lawrence not being able to get a boner. Hopefully, I'm hallucinatiing.

00:58:02: NBA "legend" John Sally is a computer analyst in this movie. Commence killing self in 3, 2, 1.....

01:00:01: Martin and Will as scary exterminators. Not as scary as real exterminators, but still. A little scary.

01:04:32: Cuban killed the Russians friend. PORQUE?!?

01:06:59: Will found a finger. Severed, but probably still useful.

01:16:58: Disk skipped a little but no worries. There's still over an hour of drunk torture porn left.

01:19:10: Martin finds out Will's banging his sister. Martin looks like Kyle Orton while he's scrambling.

01:22:20: Will, Martin, and a hick spying on dirty Cuban villains. Michael Bay cameo. Dan Marino cameo. So irrelevant, it's like the Cubs season.

01:24:45: Another chase, another cut every 2 seconds. Dizzy Mike Dolan, reporting live.

01:25:38: Disc is skipping again. Which makes me sad, because I really wanted to see the 5th chase scene.

01:28:23: Now there's a chase on foot. I feel like we're digressing.

01:28:42: Pepsi truck rolls by. At least be subtle or creative about your obvious promoting. It's like "Hey, look at me, I'm a Pepsi truck!"

01:29:46: Will and some Cuban fighting on a monorail. Yes, cinema's first monorail fight. Groundbreaking.

01:31:13: They were dead before we ran over them. I bet police chiefs LOVE hearing that line. I, on the other hand, do not.

01:32:56: Marty and Will forgot they left the hick in the trunk. Seems humane.

01:33:36: Marty breaks up with Will.

01:34:54: Will's looking at yearbook photos. Seems normal for an action movie.

01:36:19: Will and Marty are berating a 15-year old trying to take out Marty's daughter. This isn't funny. This is highly disturbing and totally mean as fuck. But they laguh after.

01:38:22: Cubans breaking into some place to steal some thing. Importance of it is debatable.

01:40:02: Will and Marty in a mortuary. I must have missed the transition to retarded town.

01:41:15: Nothing hotter than a dead chick's big titties. Except everything and it's sister.

01:43:02: Will finds drugs in a bad guys chest. Marty accidently takes 2 tabs of X. Ever seen a black guy on X? Trust me, you don't want to.

01:45:30: When Will Smith tells you to crash an ambulance into the mortuary, you crash that ambulance into a mortuary.

01:46:08: The X is kickin' in for Marty and hear we go with epic matchup with retardedness. Batting: Marty Lawrence. Pitching: Ecstacy.

01:46:39: This isn't not gay shit, it's man shit. Strike 1.

01:48:11: Feeling Buddha's boobs. Strike 2.

01:49:48: I love it when you call me bunny love. Strike 3. Swinging.

01:50:40: Marty's got an erection. That's just peaches and cream, ain't it?

01:53:04: Russian is drunk and about to exact revenge. He introduces himself as the Russian Grim Reaper. Hello, idea for a sitcom.

01:55:34: Cuts and music cuts and music cuts and music. I have no idea what's happening because all there is is cuts and music cuts and music.

01:56:47: Swat guy with epic facial hair. I mean, more epic than a lumberjack.

01:57:22: Shit just got real. Actually, shit has always been real. It's been coming out of our butts since the beginning of time.

01:58:39: A little hearty-to-hearty with Will and Marty. Since Marty's sister was just kidnapped, you have to end the convo with "Bad Boys for Life." Hey! I love dialogue with the movie's title in it!

02:00:25: Secret plan to do some illegal rescue mission that seemingly EVERYONE is ok with. Well....I'm not. Sorry Marty, you're sister isn't worth free Cuban cigars.

02:02:25: Motherfucker villain has a badass mansion. One of the 3 in Cuba.

02:03:41: Cuban doesn't like the Last Supper painting on his wall. I don't either. I always thought Jesus was a bit pretentious.

02:05:01: Cuban hookers are hotter than real hookers.

02:06:08: Epic facial hair is about to CAP some communists.

02:07:10: Bomb disgusisd in a remote control car, RPG the house via facial hair, and jumping out of coffins with machine guns. Welcome to my nightmare.

02:08:13: Old lady with a shotgun. Imagine what your grandma would look like with one, then multiply the stupidity by 30.

02:09:44: So much death and guns, I feel like I'm in a Eli Roth movie.

02:10:40: Marty's sister is rescued but now the hard part. They have to resort to Plan B. Is this really the time to be talking about birth control?

02:12:26: Cubans can't shoot RPG's very good. They do, however, make decent ethnic food.

02:13:40: Car chase numero 28. Color me exploded with surprise.

02:14:21: We have moved on to Plan C, which looks like it's either anal or blowing your load too early.

02:15:38: Marty and Will about to crash into Guantanamo Bay. Me thinks this could be lamer than Daddy Day Care.

02:17:21: Now they're standing on a live mine field. Which is used for some moronic death scene, which hopefully will end the movie.

02:18:31: Lessons in going over-the-top: Main Villains body blowing up AFTER he's dead.

02:19:19: I generally don't like rap, but Nelly is a solid negro.

02:20:00: End of movie with Will and Marty talking in a pool. Presumably, it's filled with their bullshit.

Another episode in near-death experience. With only three Michael Bay movies left, I can't wait for this segment to end and be gone forever. But I do it for you, the readers who continually get the view count up 3 or 4 points a day. I salute you, sirs and madams. Until next time, which will probably be the mailbag, I bid you adieu and adios.

Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Pearl Harbor

The day of reckoning is upon us. In the 4th edition of my Real Time Drunken Michael Bay Reviews series, I will be forced to watch Pearl Harbor while drinking. This presents me with two outstanding dilemmas: 1) Pearl Harbor is one of, if not the, worst movies of the decade and 2) it is THREE HOURS LONG. I suspect the last half hour will read like this "zis suks. aflack gay, breing backk CUBA." But I do this for you because I love my reader(s) and know you need your fixes. So here it is, straight from my keyboard to your eyes, "Drunken Real Time Michael Bay Review: Pearl Harbor." Tora tora tora, motherfuckers.

00:00:00: My drink of choice is my usual favorite, the 7 and 7. It's sweet for happy hour goodness.

00:01:22: Kids fake shooting barn animals in a beat up plane. Wish they were real shooting me.

00:02:25: Kids playing around in a real plane accidently start it then drive it around like morons.

00:03:24: William Fintcher, who plays a hero in Armaggedon, plays a child beater here. Smooth transition.

00:04:55: Mitchell Field is actually Mitchel Field, Mr. Bay. Also, there are no mountains in Long Island. Ugh.

00:05:50: Hartnett and Affleck start to play chicken in planes. Wonder if they've ever played gay chicken.

00:06:37: Alec Baldwin: your voice can't even save this movie.

00:08:22: Affleck's off to England. God save the queen.

00:10:44: Navy Nurses OMG! Wonder if they met the Village People.

00:11:33: Guys getting shots in their asses. Exactly what every war buff wants to see.

00:13:05: Affleck can't read. That explains a little.

00:16:04: "I really, really lick you." Jesus, I didn't want that visual.

00:18:01: Affleck hits himself in the face with a champagne cork. Now THAT'S funny.

00:20:12: NAVY DANCE PARTY!

00:22:29: "Pearl Harbor, about as far from the fighting as you can get." That's what they call ironic foreshadowing.

00:25:20: Bwahaha. Affleck and his lady fall twenty feet from a scaffolding into the water. Closest thing to combat yet.

00:28:48: Cheesy four-minute romantic sequence. Bet Michael Bay was jerking off to a montage of explosions to keep himself sane.

00:30:03: Bromantic hug 'tween Hartnett and Affleck and that is basically pouring my second drink.

00:32:11: Wondering how tempted Affleck was to use a British accent around all the British actors.

00:33:18: Jon Voight as FDR? Match made in crippled hideousness.

00:34:33: Hirohito planning the Pearl Harbor attack. Don't know who that is? Go retake intro to history in high school.

00:35:42: The age old question: How do you know if something's submerged if it's all ready submerged?

00:37:04: Affleck's not making friends in Britain. Shame, thought he'd putting another shrimp on the barbie. Is that the right country?

00:39:18: Skepticism about a Pearl Harbor attack from everyone but the main Admiral. Formulaic plot device meet reality.

00:40:32: Japanese again planning Pearl Harbor and Michael Bay proves, if you use the right music, anyone can be the enemy. Even Gandhi.

00:41:59: Nice shot Red-2? Even I know that's from Star Wars.

00:43:41: Affleck crashes into the water and presumably dies. Everyone, including me, parties in their minds.

00:44:35: Cuba Gooding Jr. boxing a big white guy. Haven't seen someone get beat up this bad since Snow Dogs.

00:46:21: TKO for Cuba! In all fairness to Cuba, he's not nearly as bad as every single other actor in this movie. But that doesn't mean he's that good.

00:47:58: Hartnett arrives to tell Affleck's woman about his "death" and they both cry. "Hey, Michael, you know what a movie about Pearl Harbor needs? A LOVE TRIANGLE!" "That's brilliant, Shia. For that, I'll give you the lead in my Robot movie."

00:50:18: More of the Japanese planning. Basically just to remind you what the movie's supposed to be about.

00:51:11: How do you make a war movie better? Include Dan Akroyd. And he isn't buying the Japanese coded messages. Personally, I only buy Japanese. TOYOTA'S TOO GOOD!

00:52:14: Navy pilot's go watch Chaplin's "The Great Dictator." If only I was that lucky.

00:54:59: Ginger guy proposes to ultra-hot blonde and she says yes. Maybe I should join the Navy.

00:55:03: No, I shouldn't.

00:57:44: Jeez, I never thought I'd say this but Jennifer Garner looks ugly.

00:59:59: Hartnet's falling for "Affleck's Girl, He wishes he had Affleck's girl. Where does he find a girl like that?"

01:02:02: Note to self: if you ever want a girl to fall for you, become an Air Force pilot and take her on a ride above the clouds at sunset in Hawaii.

01:03:42: Let's just say this: if my best friend has sex with the girl I'm in love with when I die, I will haunt his ass. Hard.

01:06:26: Japanese spy doing some work in Pearl Harbor. You know, if I wasn't American, I would say "Damn, that is an awesome plan. Just plain brilliant."

01:07:34: Affleck's ex/Hartnet's current sure falls for Navy pilots like it's her job.

01:09:00: Aykroyd thinks the Japs are gonna attack Pearl Harbor. You'll pay for not believing a Conehead.

01:10:15: Tora Tora Tora and drink #3. BTW, this Admiral in Hawaii opposed protecting his ships actually. Good thing Michael Bay makes him look like a genius instead of a naive mofo.

01:13:05: Affleck's alive and Hartnett is fuuuuuuuuuucked.

01:14:01: Reunion between Affleck and his biddy. Boooooooooring.

01:16:10: Affleck looks befuddled at the betrayal. Wonder if they just used a take where he forgot his line.

01:18:39: Affleck getting drunk. Must be in his contract.

01:09:45: Bromantic fight 'tween Affleck and Hartnett. Seems like it will be all OK eventually.

01:21:01: The Japs are only 350 miles away! Their empire is at stake! Let's watch on and see what happens!

01:22:19: Kamikaze pilots praying then do a shot of sake before taking off. That is badass. I love sake.

01:24:00: "They's too large to be planes." Good thing our we had radar.

01:25:45: I hate to say it. But kudos to the Japanese for such an awesome war plan. It's the U.S.'s fault for not seeing it coming.

01:27:11: Make a note: Cuba Gooding Jr. has NEVER lost a fight. Except for that one in Snow Dogs.

01:28:30: The attack commences. BONZAI!

01:30:00: When you drop a torpedo from a thousand feet into the artillery room, you are getting promoted after the attack.

01:31:18: So many explosions happening I can't even begin to fathom how Affleck/Hartnett's girl JUST woke up. Are you fucking serious?

01:32:00: Affleck HAS to get to a DAMN plane! OBLIGE!

01:32:55: Cuba killing some fucking Japs on the Tommy Gun? Best part of the movie. In fact, it might be the only ood part.

01:34:10: Japs bomb a hospital. Now that's just bush.

01:35:07: Never assume a bomb's a dud. You will die. Rightfully so, to be honest.

01:37:00: 6 Japanese planes against Affleck and Hartnett in car. I don't really need to tell you who wins, do I?

01:39:18: I wonder if Mikey Bay took the soldiers getting shot underwater part directly from Saving Private Ryan or just edited it? Either way, Jon Voight's pissed. FDR FTW!

01:41:22: Shaky hospital camera shot makes me wonder if I have a better or worse chance of living through this movie than the soldiers.

01:44:25: B-40's can't outrun Zeroes? You want to bet on that, because Zeroes were the best planes anyone had until the end of the war. Dolan 39, Michael Bay 1.

01:46:11: Boring action sequence I'm too drunk to care about.

01:47:00: Wonder if "3 Zeroes on your 6" is a sexual reference. An ugly foresome, but a foresome nonetheless.

01:50:05: Having Affleck and Hartnett talk during this action sequence is really making it worse. That, and the fact that I can't tell if the scene is dizzy or I am from the drinking.

01:51:17: Would the Japanese really play chicken, or would they just shoot them? I hate this movie.

01:53:00: Affleck is on your ass now, Japanese pilot. Be careful, those are the last words tons of hookers hear.

01:56:49: Who cares about your boring nurse trying to fix everyone sequence? Oh shit, the ginger's fiancee died. Life really is the cruelest thing. Sometimes, the other sperm are lucky not to be chosen.

01:58:43: Good thing the government got the message out an hour after the attack started. Promptness is really unimportant in war.

02:00:44: Only Michael Bay could screw up a dying sequence.

02:02:08: Voight delivering the famous FDR speech. 3,000 American lives taken. I guess that's worth hundreds of thousands of other lives. As long as their your enemy, I guess it doesn't matter. Not like they were depleted already anyway.

02:05:00: Voight is pissed that his staff won't come up with a good plan. I agree with him, for once. Every time I see him I just think Dustin Hoffman is going to jump him like a Midnight Cowboy.

02:06:22: FDR stands from his wheelchair and says "Do Not Tell Me What Can Be Done." I really hope the LOST writers didn't get John Locke's famous line from that.

02:08:25: Hartnett and Affleck are going stateside for Doolittle's Raid. Don't know what that is? Ugh. Wiki it.

02:10:26: Affleck made a deal with God and he eventually got dissed by the G-man. Poor Ben. Now you know how your whores feel.

02:12:56: "I love you and I'll be waiting for you, with our lovechild, when you come back." Proving, once again, that all you need to do is have sex with a girl once to get her to love you.

02:15:05: Is it just me or is Hartnett's character a big douchebag for stealing Affleck's girl. If I feel in love with my best friend's girl, I'd suck it up and ignore it the best I could. Hartnett's a dick. I hate him.

02:16:40: Even Baldwin mails it in here. How could you waste that heavenly voice?

02:18:30: Baldwin's laugh makes me believe in God.

02:21:27: If you save someone's life, you get classified information. Makes me want to be a Secret Service agent.

02:22:00: I love how they wrote on the bombs "This is for Betty" and stuff like that. You know, drunk Mike Dolan sees the problem with this movie. This movie WORKS as a pure war movie. But the love scenes and dialogue just reek of day old vagina.

02:24:16: Alec Baldy's dialogue is so cheesy, it could clog an artery.

02:26:26: Alec's really doing his best but it's just bad material. It's like bad sex: at least it's still sex.

02:28:09: OH, I'd pray for you Alec. Your voice could seduce a virgin 60-year old nun.

02:30:30: Why is Doolittle's raid in the movie? This movie's too long. I am literally hammered. I'm scared to stand up.

02:32:00: Bomb. Enemy Fire. Uh-oh. Blah Blah Blah.

02:33:35: Telling a dead guy to wake up does not actually wake him up. If only.

02:35:31: They're running out of gas, but OH WAIT! There's the Japs coast. All is well, Michael Bay movie.

02:36;36: Affleck's going down on Japan. Not the first time.

02:37:54: Other American plane saves Affleck and Co. from being POW's. I'd say you owe them a bottle of Kristal. But that's just me.

02:38:33: Hartnett might be dying. STAY TUNED!

02:38:53: Affleck shot. Dreams really do come true.

02:40:02: Hartnett sacrifices himself then the Ginger absolutely fucking saves the day. Steals a gun then gernades the other two Jap officers.

02:41:00: Affleck tells Hartnett he can't die because he'll be a daddy. Reminds me of my first near death experience.

02:42:55: Ben and Co. carry Hartnett's casket off the plane in full view of their girl. Decently sad scene.

02:43:42: Cuba is the first black cross winner. Did he cry and kiss Hallee?

02:44:36: Hartnett's kid at his tombstone with Affleck and the woman. Does that girl just switch off at will? What a fucking hussie!

02:45:30: The movie ends with Affleck and his "faux" son flying off into the sunset. If only they showed the crash.

CELEBRATE! THE MOVIES' OVER!

Thank the Lord Jesus Christ, this movie is over. I'm so drunk, I may or may not take a week off from the Michael Bay segment. Plus, i hate this movie more than communism. To all my loyal readrs that actually stuck through this trying post, I salute you. Until next time, I love your souls. Good night, Chicago.

Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Armageddon

It's Monday and it's back to doing what I love: getting drunk and watching movies. So as we continue in our drunken run-through of all Michael Bay's amateur violence porn, we move on to a disaster movie. If anyone can make the world end on camera, it's Michael Bay. So we turn our attention to 1998's Armageddon. Can we save the world? Will there be even MORE explosions than usual? Will the 2 hour, 30 minute run time cause me to pass out in a pool of vomit and shame? Let's find out! Part 3 in my "Drunken Real Time MIchael Bay Reviews: Armageddon."


00:00:00: Drink of the Movie: Whiskey and Pepsi. The Good Shit. I'm also eating Cap'n Crunch on the side because I haven't ate today and this is a long-ass movie. So long, in fact, that I might die from a brain hemorrhage due to alcohol intake mixed with excessive explosions and cliche one liners. Let's go save the world!

00:01:13: As I get to introduced to a history lesson, along with a visual of Earth getting destroyed, I start to wish I was a dinosaur.

00:02:55: What's a buffalo nickel and why does Billy Bob want to give an astronaut one?

00:03:32: Astronaut gets mauled by a small astroid. Put that buffalo nickel in his kids college fund.

00:04:37: Billy Bob asks a peon to wake up 11,000 people by phone. Seems like a silly request.

00:05:48: Eddie Griffin playing a homeless, retarded black guy = fitting.

00:06:45: Fat Hawaiian selling Godzilla dolls gets hit by an astroid, but the cute dog survives. How come people are more expendable in movie than animals?

00:08:30: Why is it that New York is always destroyed in disaster movies? Maybe the astroids would have landed in Salt Lake City or Omaha, Mr. Bay.

00:09:26: Twin Towers on fire. I knew Michael Bay did it.

00:11:30: 18 Days til the rock hits Earth followed by Bruce Willis hitting golf balls at protesters. Personally, I think he's not coming far enough through on his back swing.

00:13:48: Bruce catches Affleck sleeping with his daughter. You're not the first father, Bruce.

00:15:41: Bruce is now shooting at Ben. Hi-lar-i-ous.

00:18:09: Steve Buscemi taught Liv Tyler how to use tampons. I mean.........ugh.

00:20:21: The camera's moving so fast I CAN"T TELL WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!

00:22:41: Bruce HATES being apologized to.

00:24:30: Why is religious fanatics and mass hysteria the worst part of the Bible? Seems like the most interesting to me.

00:26:26: NASA does NOT have a back up plan. Mine? Go on an 18 day bender.

00:27:56: Montage of the government tracking down Willis' crew to a catchy pop song. There are no winners.

00:30:08: Ben Affleck can't count.

00:31:11: Who would say no to saving the world? Imagine the tail you'd get afterwards.

00:32:40: Requests for the drillers in regards to their saving the world: could've been funny but was incredibly, incredibly lame.

00:35:02: Steve Buscemi is the best part of this movie. I think he needs more comedic roles. Or just roles, in general.

00:36:11: I hate Ben Affleck.

00:37:09: "The Wrong Stuff." First cliche joke? Check Check Check.

00:38:06: Hot NASA pilot. I'd kill to bag a hot astronaut. Or just a girl astronaut.

00:39:59: What are you doing in this movie Owen Wilson? Go away.

00:40:36: Hot NASA pilot is also commanding. Color me red with...hornyness?

00:42:01: Billy Bob: more believable as a NASA Chief or Sling Blade?

00:44:05: Cue sappy Aerosmith song to Liv and Ben making out. Wonder if the guy singing knows Ben Affleck's screwing his daughter. Also, is it weird that Bruce is mad as her dad in the movie but her real dad is singing about her getting doinked?

00:46:42: Underwater simulation. It lasts longer when you're underwater. At least that's what I hear.

00:47:55: Affleck blows his load too early. I've also heard that.

00:49:40: Montage of Willis crews' free time away from NASA. And OH! Cue Aerosmith x2.

00:51:25: Affleck pretends he's on Animal Planet and it actually works as a seduction technique. Cue Aerosmith x3.

00:53:00: Emotional moment between deadbeat dad and kid who doesn't know he's his dad touches me. It's probably just the whiskey though.

00:53:53: Scene I don't remember between Bruce and his Dad, who's clearly dying. Doesn't get me at all.

00:55:21: Why don't you buy yourself a neck, Mr. Clean? Love it.

00:56:17: Astroid hits China. Chinese leaders say "Hey, less mouths to feed."

00:59:38: Willis promises Liv he'll be back. A man's only as good as the lies he tells his daughter, Bruce.

01:01:05: Affleck starts a sing-a-long to Leavin on a Jet Plane. Stick to acting in movies that I don't have to watch Ben.

01:02:48: Is the President the same as the one from The Rock? He sure does know how to give an uninspirational inspirational speech!

01:05:06: Oh, Ben. Don't you know you've already disappointed us all?

01:06:05: Owen, you were hired for comic relief. Yet the only thing funny is Steve Buscemi and Ben Affleck's "acting."

01:08:15: When you're drunk, repetitive instrumental music gets unbelievably obnoxious.

01:09:50: Owen Wilson's dialogue makes me want another drink. But the movies not even half over. Fuck. My. Life.

01:11:39: Docked with Russian Space Station. Cliche Russian on board. He is NOT "gas stahhhhtion."

01:13:52: Sensing that there will be problems with defective Russian equipment.

01:15:23: My spidey-sense is correct. Fire, ice, and sparks are flying around like it's a Michael Bay movie.

01:16:10: Sometimes when you hear lines like "He (Ben Affleck) is stuck in the fuel pod," you wish it was real life.

01:17:16: Do things really take this long to blow up?

01:19:22: Ben and the Russian just make it in by the hair of that fuzzy shit on the edge of what he calls a chin.

01:20:30: Something about "Going 9 and a half G's for 11 minutes to slingshot around the moon" doesn't sound natural.

01:22:42: Asteroid sort of resembles mother ship from Independence Day. Or maybe I just wished it looked like that.

01:23:49: Wondering why they're surprised about flying into an asteroid and taking debris.

01:25:16: One of the shuttles goes down but it feels like I'm the one taking debris at this point.

01:27:00: Bruce and Co. land on icicle planet.

01:28:46: Liv doesn't have anywhere else to go. 100 N Stevenson, Mt. Prospect, IL. Mapquest it and give me a ring.

01:30:34: Ben tries to cries. That belongs on Failblog.com.

01:31:52: No, Steve Buscemi, Dr. Seuss' worst nightmare is having Michael Bay adapt one of his books.

01:33:43: Russian, Black Guy, and Ben Affleck. I smell sitcommmmmmmm!

01:35:54: Massive drill fail. Affleck suggests, in his head, that they drill with his penis.

01:39:12: NASA's biggest mistake is either Bruce Willis' crew or lending their name to this movie.

01:41:33: Remote detonate? Is the president retarded? NASA is smarter than the guys you fought in 'Nam with.

01:42:58: Steve Buscemi's not even supposed to be here today!

01:43:39: Nuclear weapon clock: ticking! NASA has Overridden the Override! WHOA!

01:46:27: Bruce swears to God he'll make 800 feet. God yawns. Bomb is diffused. Good job!

01:47:30: It also sucks down here, fat drill guy.

01:48:57: Russian has never seen Star Wars. God, Russia sucks.

01:51:56: The Threesome of Lost Souls is drifting out into space. Russian goes OUTSIDE and absolutely fixes the shit out of the rover thinger. If only he could fix the economy like that.

01:53:55: Buscemi's starting to get space dementia and machine guns the asteroid. First, why is there a machine gun? Second, Space Dementia is a good song by Muse. Third, the asteroid is parting like it's a movie set being pulled apart!

01:55:36: Fat astronaut is now deceased. Pigs and cows rejoice all over.

01:56:44: World montage of everyone learning of massive failure. Why aren't people getting drunk and screwing?

01:57:25: Astroid destroys Paris. World fakes sympathy.

01:58:00: Liv gets pissed and pulls Billy Bob down while he thinks, "Hey, you kinda remind me of Angelina..."

01:59:01: Dramatic reunion and Bruce gets so excited he forgets how to count.

02:00:03: Buscemi is tied up to prevent further shenangians. Usually that's how you START shenanigans.

2:01:28: 800 Feet! They reached the arbitrary depth!

2:02:07: Bruce has a bent pipe jammed in a hole. Do with that what you will.

2:02:49: The asteroid has become self-aware! Call Skynet!

2:04:00: Asteroid kills another guy that they really didn't introduce. I feel wasted.

2:05:32: Remote detonator damaged, meaning someone has to be around to kill themselves and allow them to have their children get as much tail as anyone ever has back on Earth.

2:06:39: Drawing straws for the fate of mankind and guess who it is! AFFLECK! Thank God! Ugh. I keep forgetting this is fiction.

2:08:14: Willis takes Aflleck's place to the dismay of noone. Oh well. At least there will be no more alcoholic cop movies.

2:10:23: Willis tells Liv that he's breaking his promise. Liv is proud, scared, and dressed like a 45 year old woman.

2:13:49: Russian guy saves the ship by hitting it with a wrench. That's the first thing they teach you in Astro-Training in Russia.

2:14:52: Zero Barrier! HURRY HURRY!

2:15:56: Willis saves the day! Asteroid splits apart! All is well!

2:17:11: Liv and Billy Bob hug. Take it easy, Billy, she could be your daughter.

2:18:28: Don't worry, Steve. Nobody will tell about you machine gunning the rest of the crew while they were trying to save the world.

2:19:18: Guy finally gets to hug his long lost son.

2:19:35: Favorite part of the movie. "Requesting to shake the hand of the daughter...of the bravest man I ever met." I love William Fichtner. Sappy works perfectly there.

2:19:54: Buscemi gets his hot stripper back.

2:20:10: Billy Bob gets the NASA patch that he's always wanted.

2:20:49: Cue Aerosmith x4.

2:21:02: Funeral at a wedding? Ummm...OK. That's why they call it the Director's CUT and not the Director's Omission.


Unlike Aerosmith, after that movie and all the drinks consumed during it, I do want to close my eyes and I do want to fall asleep. So I'll leave you for now. I'll be back soon with a brand new mailbag and some more of Drunk Michael Bay series. Next is Pearl Harbor I believe and that's dynamite since it's one of my least favorite movies that I've ever seen. Adios, muchachos!

Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: The Rock

As promised, I'm back this week with a drunken running commentary of a Michael Bay movie. This week, we get to review my favorite Michael Bay movie (no sarcasm), The Rock. Why is it my favorite? Because it's got the master of suave Sean Connery. The original Bond, the man who could seduce an entire family of bears out of hibernation. This movie is a little longer so the chances of me blacking out increase by a good 30 minute window. But enough chit-chat. Let's review Michael Bay's version of The Great Escape, THE ROCK.

00:00:00: As beer is not strong enough to handle a Michael Bay film, I will be turning to my friend Vodka/Splash of Tonic and a lime. In a pint glass. BOO YA! (Taco dip will, thankfully, be exempt from this week's review. Last Monday night/Tuesday morning was death.)

00:00:51: Opening credit gunfire. You never get opening credit gunfire.

00:01:48: Hey, Dr. Cox from Scrubs is in this. There's hope for you yet, Russell. (NAME THAT MOVIE!)

00:03:15: Ed Harris delivers the worst "I missed you" line ever in front of his wife's grave. It's as mailed in as a sx doll to your office.

00:04:30: Opening scene robbery. Eerily familiar to opening scene robbery in Bad Boys. Eery in the fact that it's pretty much the same thing.

00:05:53: Are there really only 5 or 6 soldiers guarding our chemical weapons supply?

00:07:31: Soldier gets trapped in with the poison gas and melts like that dude who picked the grail wrong in Indiana Jones.

00:08:46: Nic Cage is a Beatlemaniac. Dynamite.

00:11:22: Nic won't inject a needle into his heart. Seems reasonable.

00:12:27: Cage without a shirt on playing a guitar. Does he know Freebird?

00:13:36: "Bringing a child into this world would be an act of cruelty." "I'm pregnant." Did I write this dialogue in 4th grade and forget about it?

00:15:54: Black guy gives the token "What the FUCK?" as Ed Harris takes over Alcatraz.

00:17:44: Ed Harris apologizes to his hostages. Wonder if they forgave him.

00:20:15: According to Mr. Harris, the Director of the FBI has a very serious problem. Come on Ed, all those girls are 18.

00:23:56: Young White House Chief of Staff gets owned by Ed Harris, then by some random General. Noob.

00:25:06: Cage having sex. Fuck my life.

00:26:36: Invites the Girlfriend to San Fran. Future drama, please ensue.

00:27:46: Just the talk about them introducing Connery's character arouses me.

00:28:20: First Connery sighting. Movie begins now. Hold on, I need another cocktail.

00:29:49: Black guy with a ponytail.

00:31:00: Connery with long hair. Still could seduce your mother.

00:32:31: Alchimedes, Nelson Mandela, Alexander Saltinizten, Sir Walter Raleigh all mentioned in the same paragraph by Connery. He's like that wise janitor from Rudy.

00:34:16: Cage awkwardly interviews Connery. Surprised they didn't get Michael Cera for the role.

00:35:39: "I fear the Greeks, even when they bring gifts." Did the screenwriter pick a quote out of Greek dictionary and go "BINGO!"?

00:38:26: Connery barks at Cage. I ROFL'd.

00:39:16: Connery singing in the shower and ordering room service. No wonder this movie's over 2 hours. Surprised he didn't order "Naughty Nurses in Reno."

00:41:36: Connery is hanging the FBI director from the Penthouse balcony while the stylist cries. Then escapes. Prepare for chase scene.

00:42:48: Connery is happy with his haircut.

00:44:40: CHASE!

00:45:31: Cage driving a Diablo. Not after The Wicker Man, he isn't.

00:46:37: Drives through an entire building. Because that's possible in San Fransisco. Except usually you get plowed into, not through.

00:48:08: Out of control trolley heading towards a wheelchair race. Making this up? I wish.

00:49:12: Cage steals a hippies motorcycle. Why not, right?

00:51:10: Cage is the FBI agent who figures out Connery's daughter lives in San Fran? Really?

00:52:40: Wasn't that girl in Mallrats? Damnit, now I want a chocolate covered pretzel.

00:54:26: God, this movie lags more than I remember. Thinking about weed instead of vodka.

00:55:37: "Between The Rock and a hard place." Wow. (Chug.)

00:57:00: Cage throws up. Must of just read the Ghost Rider script.

01:00:00: Marines trying to save the day are wearing face paint that makes them look like Raiders fans. Bet Al Davis loves this movie.

01:02:59: Connery figures out Cage's character. No witty response from me.

01:04:40: Excuse me, as I realize how pathetic I am for knowing the real names of 4 of the Ed Harris Crew Marines.

01:05:00: Change my mind and pronounce that as a victory. Also, guy with a cool mustache has something on radar.

01:06:22: Connery barrel rolls through fire. Casual Sunday for him.

01:07:15: "Welcome to The Rock!" Sean Connery would be the best Wal-Mart greeter ever.

01:09:05: Connery: "97 paces to the shower room." A line every woman wishes they could here.

1:10:34: Idiot good Marine sets off the motion sensors but thinks their good. His life= over.

1:12:52: Stand-off. Ed Harris and the Marine Commander get in a shouting match before all the good marines get blasted. It's like Omaha Beach in a bathroom.

1:14:18: Connery tells the Asian Marine not to go up there. Does. Dies. Serves him right, really.

1:16:44: Cage trying to stop Connery from leaving: laughable. In fiction or in reality.

1:19:38: Connery takes Cages gun away like it's a fucking lollipop.

1:21:35: Hawaiian bad Marine throws a bomb into the sewers that sends Cage and Connery flying. He'll be doing the limbo in hell.

1:22:21: Bigger bomb. But they're OK because they were underwater. Wonder if that really works.

1:23:39: Cage just "HEH" wants to find some rockets. Or a role that doesn't blow donkey turds.

1:24:45: Connery just CHUCKS a knife as some guys neck. You must never hesitate indeed. Unless you got LeBron in an iso situation.

1:26:43: I believed Cage more as a psychic than I do as a Chemical Weapons Specialist.

1:29:03: Cage eats pressure for breakfast. I have Lucky Charms.

1:30:01: Dr. Cox gets chewed out by Ed, while Connery and Cage are riding a mine shaft cart. Because when you build a prison, the first thing you think of is "Mine Shaft!"

1:31:55: Connery just set some guy on fire. I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.

1:33:56: Cage shoots a guy while screaming like a girl. Kind of like my reaction to The Wicker Man.

1:36:10: Larry Henderson was taken hostage. At least it wasn't Harry.

1:38:50: Connery thinks Ed Harris is a fucking idiot. He must have saw National Treasure 2 a few years early.

1:40:04: I'd take pleasure in gutting you too, Nic.

1:41:32: Is thermite plasma real or a deus ex machina? Or is it just two fancy words thrown together so that people watching have no idea if it's real or not?

1:43:11: Connery gets him and Cage out of their cell. Pwns Cage. I'm not too shocked and neither are you. Also, is it ironic or just coincidence that Cage is in a cage?

1:45:48: Connery hits Cage in the stomach. I chuckled.

1:47:16: Then he saves his life. I dislike.

1:48:31: Ed Harris launches chemical weapon over Oakland. At least Al Davis would've died. Or can he even die?

1:49:38: Ed Harris then changes it's course to the ocean. Pussy.

1:52:09: President starts a gay monologue about life/death/soldiers that could have been explained away with a line of dialogue. BO-RINGGGGGGGGGG!

1:54:55: STAND DOWN CAPTAIN!

1:55:07: Mexican Stand Off between the bad Marines before the SHOOT-OUT!

1:56:52: The Good-Bad Marines get killed by the Bad-Bad Marines. Sympathy, not included. At least by me.

1:58:35: Cage makes some black baddie The Rocket Man. Also, he gets impaled. Not what Elton had in mind, me thinks.

2:00:55: Connery kills a black guy half his age. I bet he was imagining it was his wife.

2:02:03: Some bad guy mentions being Irish while fighting Connery. I immediately identify with him. He's just trying to feed his family and have 8 kids.

2:03:35: Air Force Jets in a flying V. Reminds of the Mighty Ducks 2. QUACK QUACK QUACK!

2:04:40: Cage injects something into his heart then lights flares. You're a better man than me, NicK.

2:05:53: Feel bad for Cage's girl until I remember that it would preferable if he died for her.

2:06:40: Irish music starts playing. Arousal.

2:07:57: Cage tells the FBI Connery's dead. It's the least you could do, he saved your life like 36 times.

2:08:15: Forget Maui, Cage. Go find our country's deepest, darkest secrets, Nic. Connery thinks your the man that should know them all. God help us.

2:10:00: Is vaporization of a body possible? I seriously am asking you, people.

2:11:01: Cage asks his bride to be if she wants to know who killed JFK. Guessing she said "OMG NO WAY?!?!"

END

Well, that's it for THE ROCK's drunken real time review. Unfortunately, it only goes down here with Michael Bay movies. And, unfortunately we return right back to Marty and Will next week with Bad Boys 2. God help my health. Until then, I will most assuredly see you peeps later. Love and kisses, Miguel Dolan.

Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Review: Bad Boys

I'm gonna try a fresh new segment called Dolan's Boozy Reviews. It's where I watch a movie and do reviews as I watch them, kind of like a running commentary. I will also be sloshed while writing these, risking my health for the advancement of your laughter. (All eight of you, that is) I wasn't sure what movie to start off this segment with. Then, like magic, I browsed my Netflix "Watch Instantly" Queue, mainly cause I don't want to hear my roommates fucking and I can watch them on my computer. I figured, what movies are horrible that might be good drunk? Naturally, the word horrible often makes Michael Bay pop up in my head. So I think I'm going to do an entire "Drunk Real Time Michael Bay Reviews," of all his major features. I'll go in order of release date, I guess, because by the end of this segment I'll either be dead or suicidally addicted to explosions. Here's the first in the series, "Drunk Dolan Presents: BAD BOYS." Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, let's get jiggy.


00:00:00: For your information, I'm drunk/drinking a concoction known as the "7 & We're out of the other 7, so just use Coke." It's whiskey and coke. In a Mug. Gotta keep it classy for Mr. Bay.

00:00:45: Martin Lawrence top billing over Will Smith? Not anymore....

00:01:37: Will and Martin driving in a $105,000 car. Martin Lawrence drops his fries and Willie throws a temper tantrum. Out of context, that's probably weird.

00:03:33: A Passenger 57 joke by a black male? Wow.

00:05:04: Checking to see if the Costume Designer "Bobbie Reed" is a male or female on IMDB. Not on IMDB. Going with gay male.

00:07:22: Criminals stealing something from some plant, security officer is watching TV and lets out a fart. Blames it on the tacos. Starting to crave taco dip. (Me, not the actor)

00:09:25: Robbery over. Not sure what they stole. Not sure it matters really.

00:11:39: Will Smith telling sleazy sex stories to Martin's kids. What would Jada think?

00:13:13: Cliched Internal Affairs agent woman comes in. What the hell IS internal affairs and why is it in EVERY cop movie?

00:15:36: Hey, it's Tony Sopranos nephew Chris! Playing a Cuban! I guess Italian is close enough to Latino.

00:17:55: Fourth straight cut with a rap song introducing the next scene. Fuck me.

00:18:42: Will calls him and Martin negroes, to which Martin imitates a white person. Spot on, Marty. When's Big Momma's House 3 coming out?

00:20:53: Marty's driving slow enough to drive Ms. Daisy. Whatever. My taco dip tastes like sex. On drink 2, already.

00:22:30: First appearance of the Bad Boys song. Will and Martin start singing. Would rather hear "Gettin' Jiggy with it"

00:26:45: Chick whose in love with Will Smith is killed. Sensing plot development. Followed by hideous acting by the robbers. Followed by me chugging.

00:28:52: Tea Leoni jumps a few stories into a pool to escape robbers. Thinking she should try out for the Italian synchronized diving team.

00:30:33: Will Smith shows emotion. Hard to believe he got an Oscar nom in his career.

00:35:11: Another cut with a rap song. Considering downloading it. Illegally. Would never pay for it.

00:38:14: GUNFIGHT. Also, Martin Lawrence recuses Tea Leoni's dog. Also, 50 shots are fired and only one person out of 8 gets hit. Bantering between criminals, cringing. Very cringe-worthy.

00:40:11: Wondering when Martin says "trying to keep a bullet out of your ass," if he means that literally.

00:42:30: Marty denies wanting to have sex with Ms. Leoni, even though "Damaged Girls" ranks Number 2 behind "Girls with Daddy Issues" on the "Freakiest Sex Scale."

00:46:00: Marty's having marital problems. I feel ya brother, I haven't had sex in a few weeks either.

00:47:00: Marty talking a lot about his ass. Gay?

00:49:15: Will complains about dogs and hookers in his house. I fail to see the problem.

00:53:00: Guy that's in Superbad and Pineapple Express gets yelled at by the main bad dude, although I'm still not sure what accent he's trying to pull off. Guessing Lithuanian.

00:56:50: Whiskey and taco dip, leading to regrets.

00:57:45: Annoying secretary that can't act hands Will Smith, who can't act at this point, a file. Obviously, I'm desperate for something to write about.

01:01:00: Contemplating death and if it's really worse than this.

01:02:38: Tea Leoni's dog shitting all over Will Smith's apartment. Don't blame the dog.

01:06:02: Martin and Will enter a Club called "Hell." Already been there for 65 minutes and 3 drinks, buddies.

01:08:11: Martin gets into a fight in the bathroom with a plastic bag over his head. Thought it was the beginning to a gay porno.

01:11:00: Martin and WIll in a chase scene with ether in the back of their truck. Reminds of a night I had in Amsterdam.

01:13:54: Chase ends well. Because, of course it does.

01:15:40: Pointless scene in a liquor store. At least they get Skittles and Bubbilicious out of it.

01:18:10: Will is hanging with Marty's wife and Marty's hanging with Tea Leoni. Feel like I'm watching a FOX reality show.

01:21:33: Will tackles Martin, but it's just a funny misunderstanding about adultery!

01:24:28: Tony Soprano's cousin is back! It's only been 65 minutes since his 22 second scene! Will pulls a gun on him and I'm wondering what James Gandolfini would do if he walked in.

01:28:30: Will makes a reference to their situation being worse than when they were in Club Hell. Must be talking about me.

01:30:11: I'm sloshed.

01:31:35: Martin's wife is pisssssed. And hot. For a negro.

01:34:04: Gunfight! And it's about time!

01:34:30: Over already? I didn't even get aroused.

01:35:50: Chase! Run! Run! Run! I can't tell what's going on since the camera is giving me motion sickness!

01:37:59: Martin Lawrence is riding on top of a cab. They'd charge extra for that in New York City, Marty.

01:40:05: The annoying can't act secretary is tied to it all! Now she's crying! I feel bad for her! Bravo, Michael Bay!

01:42:08: Criminals meeting some guy in a full white suit. That's how you know he's important. Also, he's Latino. Or Miamian. Same thing.

01:44:36: White suit guy gets shot. Dies.

01:46:03: FIRST EXPLOSION! Wondering how many were cut from the first 105 minutes.

01:46:55: If you forget your boarding pass, Martin Lawrence will kill you. Make a note.

01:48:06: Will Smith shot, then flies through the air after an explosion. Hoping he dies and the sequel is just one of my nightmares.

01:49:01: Tea Leoni makes a football reference. I felt something move below the waist. May have been a toe, I've had too much whiskey for anything else to move.

01:51:00: Car chase. Bad guy runs into a wall. Tries to run away but is gunned down in SUPER-SLOW-MO. The entire Miami PD arrives. Good timing.

01:52:40: Will Smith can't kill a guy. Must have grown up in Bel-Air. OH SHIT! Bad dude pulled a gun then Big Willie capped him harder than a black guy in a horror movie.

01:55:25: Tea Leoni and Will Smith handcuffed by Martin Lawrence. Fulfills black fantasies. Male or female.


That's all! I'm gonna go take a nap for about 8 hours but I hope that I gave you some insight to the first Michael Bay Drunk review. I'll try and do one a week. Next up: The Rock. Which is actually not that bad a movie. We'll see. Until next time, love ya and good luck!