With the recent disappointment the baseball gods have decided to place at the front door of Wrigley Field, I'm compelled to write about tragedy. Like pure tragedy. Sometimes the closer we come to perfection, the more it hurts when we don't reach it. So, today we'll talk about near-perfection that ended in tragedy. Here are the 6 Near Perfect Games that Ended in Tragedy. Keep in mind: the baseball gods are cruel for reasons unknown. Don't piss them off.
6. Dick Bosman
Game: On July 19, 1974, Bosman's Cleveland Indians faced the Oakland A's.
Tragedy: Bosman holds the dubious honor of being the only pitcher to pitch a no-hitter and have the only base runner reach on an error by themselves. In the 4th inning, Bosman fielded a soft grounder and made a bad throw to first, giving Oakland their only base runner of the day. Even though the hotheaded Bosman pitched a no-hitter, he could have achieved baseball immortality if not for the miscue.
Compare It! It's like getting a big job promotion then going out after work for a few drinks, falling, and breaking your collar bone. You still got the job but you also gotta walk around with that cast on, fuckface. Sorry. This blog might get vulgar, I'm still a little bitter about the Cubs.
5. Terry Mulholland
Game: On August 5, 1990, Mulholand's Phillies faced the Giants at that craphole Veterans Stadium.
Tragedy: Mulholland pitched one hell of a game at the Vet that day. Mulholland got his no-hitter, facing the minimum 27 batters, becoming the man with the best mustache in the history of no-hitters. However, he was oh-so-close to a perfect game. Mulholland's third baseman, Charlie Hayes, made a throwing error, with the next batter grounding into a double play. Mulholland's shot at immortality was taken away in that moment, but Hayes atoned later on in the game when he made a diving catch on the final out to at least preserve the no-hitter. Still, how bad does that fucker feel? Probably as bad as the guy who let O.J. go on trial for those murders. Or that girl after wrongly accusing Kobe. Terrible people.
Compare It! Kinda like you're close to going all the way with a girl you really like and having your best friend sleep with her first, then subsequently marrying her anyway. You may have got the better of the deal there but.....he still fucked you.
4. Mike Mussina
Game: On September 2, 2001, Mussina pitched for the Yankees against the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park.
Tragedy: Mussina might be the unluckiest pitcher out there. Only 17 times in MLB history has a pitcher pitched a perfect game, retiring all 27 batters in a row. Two times before Mussina came close. In 1997, Mussina got through 25 before giving up a single. A year later, he got through 23 batters before giving up a hit. On this Sunday Night, Primetime ESPN game, Mussina got through the first 8 innings no problem, no base runners at all. Mussina then retired the first 2 batters of the inning, before Carl Everett pinch-hit as the 27th batter. On a 1-2 pitch, Everett hit a bloop single to left-center field that Mussina probably sees in his nightmares. Makes you wonder if Mussina pisses in his teammates shoes and kills babies on the side, as the baseball gods have been less than kind to him.
Compare It! Mussina's near-perfecto was like finally bagging the girl you've always dreamed of sleeping with, then having her very large, very angry boyfriend walk in just as you're about to get her underwear off. OUCH!
3. Ernie Shore
Game: On June 23, 1917, Shore's Boston Red Sox faced off against the Washington Senators in the first game of a doubleheader at Fenway.
Tragedy: Well, the first game of the doubleheader at Fenway started off interesting enough. Babe Ruth took the mound and walked the first better. Babe Ruth got ejected for arguing with the umpire, the hitting him in the face (no lie), and got his catcher ejected. Ernie Shore then came in to relieve him (that's NOT a bathroom joke) and retired all 26 batters he faced (the other out was the batter Ruth walked getting caught stealing) giving baseball a dilemma: did Shore pitch a perfect game? Nope, since a runner reached base against Ruth, it's not a perfect game, just a COMBINED NO-HITTER. Wow, how bitch is that? It sucks for Shore but it has to be the correct call here since, if that batter wasn't walked, who knows what would have happened. I wonder what would have happened to Ruth today had he hit an umpire? How long is THAT suspension?
Compare It! Spending all day in the kitchen making an excellent dinner for you and your family, having your spouse come in and claim to your kids that they helped, even though they didn't do jack shit. You know what? The next time they want to give themselves credit for making dinner, they CAN COOK IT THEMSELVES GOD DAMNIT!
2. Pedro Martinez
Game: On June 3rd, 1995, Pedro's Montreal Expos took on the San Diego Padres in San Diego
Tragedy: Pedro pitched about as well as you can pitch without getting that perfect game. You see, rarely does a team not score throughout 9 innings. In fact, it only happened to the Cubs once this entire season. Well, Pedro didn't give up anything for 9 innings. Not a single, solitary base runner. To repay his excellence, his team also did not score for 9 innings. So Pedro Martinez went to the 10th inning with a perfect game, the Expos scored a run in the top of the inning and Pedro gave up a lead off double. To further clarify an even more ridiculous story, Pedro had a perfect game going much earlier in his career against the Reds. In the 8th inning, Martinez hit Reggie Sanders with a pitch. Sanders CHARGED THE MOUND, since he though Pedro was throwing at him in the 8th inning of a close game with a perfect game going. Reggie Sanders, you get the idiot of the century award! Congratulations! Pedro gave up a hit in the 9th to end the no-no, but not without getting hit in the face in the previous inning.
Compare It! It's like going to your favorite bands concert after spending a great deal of money on the tickets, leaving after the encore, and having them play your favorite song during the second encore. You sir, just got fucked. Not in a Dirk Diggler sort of way either.
1. Harvey Haddix
Game: On May 26, 1959, Haddix's (Haddix' or Haddixs'??) Pittsburgh Pirates took on the Milwaukee Braves in Milwaukee.
Tragedy: Anytime someone you loves dies, remember Harvey Haddix. His tragedy may not be involved with death, but he perhaps pitched the greatest game in MLB history and didn't even get a win. In fact, he got a loss. On a fateful day in the horrible city of Milwaukee, Haddix threw 9 perfect innings but his team failed to score. Then 10. Then 11. Then 12. Haddix went into the 13TH INNING with a perfect game. That's 36 batters in a row without a base runner, which felt like the Cubs playoff run to an extent. Then in the 13th inning his team didn't score. Haddix went out there, probably after 196 pitches or something, and got a ground ball that was misplayed for an error, followed by a sac bunt for the 1st out. Then an intentional walk. Then a home run, from HANK AARON no less. (The homer was later ruled a double since he passed his teammate on the bases, making the final score 1-0 instead of 3-0) Perfect game, no hitter, shutout, win....all lost in three batters. Haddix is credited with a 12 and 2/3 inning one hit loss against the team that had won the NL Pennant the year before. To further fuck with Haddix, a Milwaukee player came out in 1993, admitting to stealing signs from the Pirates catcher that day from the bullpen. Haddix was a 2 pitch pitcher and the Braves STILL DIDN'T GET A HIT, even though they KNEW WHAT WAS COMING! To perfectly surmise Haddix's fate, a fraternity sent him a letter saying "Dear Harvey, Tough shit." Haddix was mad until "I realized they were right. That's exactly what it was."
Compare It! Compare it? How? Maybe dying of 6 different cancers at once, getting sent to hell, then raped by Hitler for eternity while he screams "GO CARDINALS!!!!" over and over and over and BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whew, sorry.
Well, tragedy must happen for a reason. I think. Well, I hope. Hopefully tragedies occur so that we can learn from them. One thing we learned: Kosuke Fukudome is not a major leaguer anymore. Also, maybe there's no such thing as perfection. It's hard to just be good, nevertheless perfect. So instead of ranting on about the trivialities of life, I'm going to salute those who try to live their lives as close to perfection, not for themselves, but for the people around them. Maybe that's what makes a perfect game so special. It takes a bunch of people around you to be perfect, you can't do it by yourself. Maybe we could all learn from this simple baseball allegory: you can't be perfect alone but with the right people around you, you can be. Slán leat, mo chairde!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Come Out of There!
You, like me, have no doubt been distracted by the MLB playoffs and the Cubs Game 1 and Game 2 losses. Well, this blog has nothing to do with it. I thought it would be helpful to vent over an array of racism and gay jokes, the mere extent of my vast intellectual prowess. Just kidding. I'm way smarter than that. But I do feel like insulting people today. Because I'm angry. So, today, I'm going to insult the 6 Celebrities Who Are So Gay they Don't Even Know It. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But, you know, don't deny it. Neil Patrick Harris came out and he still would rock your soul. That's a nice segue into my next point: NPH kicks ass.
6. Troy Aikin'Forman
Hetero Name: Troy Aikman, Hall of Famer QB from the Dallas Cowboys and now the butt puppet of Joe Buck during NFL games on FOX.
So, Wait...He's Gay? You better believe it. Just ask former Redskin great and current Bear mediocre-er Brandon Lloyd, who said on the radio that Aikman wasn't "man enough to admit his personal life situation as a player." Even sportswriter Skip Bayless wrote that Aikman might be gay in his book "Hell Bent." Aikman is married, presumably, to a woman and has three kids. His wife, however, is a publicist and married him for the money, with the condition she squash all gay rumors. Genius plan if you ask me. He also works with Joe Buck, did I mention that? Buck's probably gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Video Evidence: Calling the Bears defensive line "cunt's". "This offensive line does a great job of picking up the blitzes and cunts."
5. Eliajh "Likes" Wood
Hetero Name: Elijah Wood, actor in films such as "The Lord of the Rings" and "Flipper."
So, Wait...He's Gay? Well, to start, he was hobbit. Wood once said the rumors about him being gay were "funny." Funny, huh? Well every joke has some bit of truth to it. Wood was once seen at a gay bar in West Hollywood and at Sundance dancing to Madonna and Beyonce tunes. There were rumors linking him to Aaron Carter, which is more than a little disturbing. It's been said by elijahwoodisveryverygay.com that Elijah has many common gay characteristics, including his stature, voice, and love of dick. I'll take their word for it. Also, he was a hobbit.
Photographic Proof:
4. Condoleezza "Tastes The" Rice
Hetero Name: Current US Secretary of State and eternal failure Condi Rice.
So, Wait...She's Gay? Oh, Condi's a little carpet muncher. I have my gay sources (various internet websites) that tell me "Condi's totally thought of as a lesbian in the gay community." Lesbian rumors even ruined her chance of becoming the GOP's Vice President. A woman Senator once said on the Senate floor that Condi would never have children so she wouldn't know what it's like to lose a son or daughter. Ouch, that's harsh even if she is a lesbian. Rice's best male friend is a gay Harvard professor and her best female friend is named Randy , who is not married and never has stated her sexual orientation. Rice and Randy Bean (Rice and Bean. You can't make that shit up. Well, you could, it's just funnier when its true) even share a house and a line of credit together. If that's not enough proof, her cell phone ringer is "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".
Photographic Proof: "Sir, the penis is a small and disgusting abomination!"
3. John "Saturgay Night Fever" Travolta-ta
Hetero Name: Actor, Scientologist, and renowned disco dancer John Travolta.
So, Wait...He's Gay? As sure as every John Travolta movie of the last 15 years has sucked, he's gay. I mean, he dressed up as a chick for "Hairspray." Either you don't dress up as a woman for a month straight, you win an Oscar, or you are gay, sir. Travolta may be married to Kelly Preston but taht means about nothing to me. Not that any gay man would sleep with for any reason except money. That's not the point. He has his own plane, he's been seen getting a little too busy with men before. Poor Johnny's just in a bit of denial. Like steriods, people just want you to admit it and they'll understand. But denial is the kiss of death (not literally John). So get over it and embrace your real Saturday Night Fever: penis. Lots of it.
Photographic Proof: "What?! All Guys do this, I was just saying goodbye!"
2. Tom "Pleasure" Cruise
Hetero Name: Actor, Scientologist, and baby killer Tom Cruise.
So, Wait...He's Gay? Cruise has sued 4 different magazines/publication for alleging he was gay. Gay porn actor Chad Slator once said that he and Cruise had a sexual relationship, in which Cruise was the woman. Photographer Mike Davis once claimed he had a video that would prove Cruise's homosexuality but they settled out of court. Cruise also had that feminine outburst on Oprah, probably to convince people he was straight. Well, I'm not buying it Tommy Boy. As far as I'm concerned, Tom is Eternally Raping Katie Holmes. Harsh language? The truth hurts, my friend. Nothing more than friends though, Tom. I'm not into that.
Tons of Proof: Apparently, Tom's admitted it before. WHERE WAS THE MEDIA?!
1. Oprah Gayle Winfrey
Hetero Name: Ironically, that is her real name up there.
So, Wait...She's Gay? Oh, believe it sister. She was raped when younger, which probably turned her off from men. She dated Roger Ebert after that, which probably turned her off much, much more. She also had a baby at 14, which died shortly. Oprah's been through a lot of bad men. She's still unmarried and single, but her best friend, single woman Gayle King and her acted as Ellen DeGeneres' therapist when she came out on her show. Oprah even said "How can you be this close without it being sexual?" Hmm, maybe if you aren't having sex. Oprah's an older, single, powerful, black, gay woman. There's just no reaching around it. Or isssss there?
Some Proof For Ya: Look at them. Awwww, they look so cute together!
More:
Well, I had to get my money's worth on that last one because I'll probably have my blog shut down and be faced with 3 different high profile lawsuits for slander. Whatever, it was worth it. I hope you enjoyed this version of my opinion. I'll try and do something a little less offensive next time. Not too unoffensive though. I wouldn't do that to you. If you enjoy watch gay people get victimized by random people on the street, then this video's for you. Until next time, Fuck You Manny Ramirez!
6. Troy Aikin'Forman
Hetero Name: Troy Aikman, Hall of Famer QB from the Dallas Cowboys and now the butt puppet of Joe Buck during NFL games on FOX.
So, Wait...He's Gay? You better believe it. Just ask former Redskin great and current Bear mediocre-er Brandon Lloyd, who said on the radio that Aikman wasn't "man enough to admit his personal life situation as a player." Even sportswriter Skip Bayless wrote that Aikman might be gay in his book "Hell Bent." Aikman is married, presumably, to a woman and has three kids. His wife, however, is a publicist and married him for the money, with the condition she squash all gay rumors. Genius plan if you ask me. He also works with Joe Buck, did I mention that? Buck's probably gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Video Evidence: Calling the Bears defensive line "cunt's". "This offensive line does a great job of picking up the blitzes and cunts."
5. Eliajh "Likes" Wood
Hetero Name: Elijah Wood, actor in films such as "The Lord of the Rings" and "Flipper."
So, Wait...He's Gay? Well, to start, he was hobbit. Wood once said the rumors about him being gay were "funny." Funny, huh? Well every joke has some bit of truth to it. Wood was once seen at a gay bar in West Hollywood and at Sundance dancing to Madonna and Beyonce tunes. There were rumors linking him to Aaron Carter, which is more than a little disturbing. It's been said by elijahwoodisveryverygay.com that Elijah has many common gay characteristics, including his stature, voice, and love of dick. I'll take their word for it. Also, he was a hobbit.
Photographic Proof:
4. Condoleezza "Tastes The" Rice
Hetero Name: Current US Secretary of State and eternal failure Condi Rice.
So, Wait...She's Gay? Oh, Condi's a little carpet muncher. I have my gay sources (various internet websites) that tell me "Condi's totally thought of as a lesbian in the gay community." Lesbian rumors even ruined her chance of becoming the GOP's Vice President. A woman Senator once said on the Senate floor that Condi would never have children so she wouldn't know what it's like to lose a son or daughter. Ouch, that's harsh even if she is a lesbian. Rice's best male friend is a gay Harvard professor and her best female friend is named Randy , who is not married and never has stated her sexual orientation. Rice and Randy Bean (Rice and Bean. You can't make that shit up. Well, you could, it's just funnier when its true) even share a house and a line of credit together. If that's not enough proof, her cell phone ringer is "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".
Photographic Proof: "Sir, the penis is a small and disgusting abomination!"
3. John "Saturgay Night Fever" Travolta-ta
Hetero Name: Actor, Scientologist, and renowned disco dancer John Travolta.
So, Wait...He's Gay? As sure as every John Travolta movie of the last 15 years has sucked, he's gay. I mean, he dressed up as a chick for "Hairspray." Either you don't dress up as a woman for a month straight, you win an Oscar, or you are gay, sir. Travolta may be married to Kelly Preston but taht means about nothing to me. Not that any gay man would sleep with for any reason except money. That's not the point. He has his own plane, he's been seen getting a little too busy with men before. Poor Johnny's just in a bit of denial. Like steriods, people just want you to admit it and they'll understand. But denial is the kiss of death (not literally John). So get over it and embrace your real Saturday Night Fever: penis. Lots of it.
Photographic Proof: "What?! All Guys do this, I was just saying goodbye!"
2. Tom "Pleasure" Cruise
Hetero Name: Actor, Scientologist, and baby killer Tom Cruise.
So, Wait...He's Gay? Cruise has sued 4 different magazines/publication for alleging he was gay. Gay porn actor Chad Slator once said that he and Cruise had a sexual relationship, in which Cruise was the woman. Photographer Mike Davis once claimed he had a video that would prove Cruise's homosexuality but they settled out of court. Cruise also had that feminine outburst on Oprah, probably to convince people he was straight. Well, I'm not buying it Tommy Boy. As far as I'm concerned, Tom is Eternally Raping Katie Holmes. Harsh language? The truth hurts, my friend. Nothing more than friends though, Tom. I'm not into that.
Tons of Proof: Apparently, Tom's admitted it before. WHERE WAS THE MEDIA?!
1. Oprah Gayle Winfrey
Hetero Name: Ironically, that is her real name up there.
So, Wait...She's Gay? Oh, believe it sister. She was raped when younger, which probably turned her off from men. She dated Roger Ebert after that, which probably turned her off much, much more. She also had a baby at 14, which died shortly. Oprah's been through a lot of bad men. She's still unmarried and single, but her best friend, single woman Gayle King and her acted as Ellen DeGeneres' therapist when she came out on her show. Oprah even said "How can you be this close without it being sexual?" Hmm, maybe if you aren't having sex. Oprah's an older, single, powerful, black, gay woman. There's just no reaching around it. Or isssss there?
Some Proof For Ya: Look at them. Awwww, they look so cute together!
More:
Well, I had to get my money's worth on that last one because I'll probably have my blog shut down and be faced with 3 different high profile lawsuits for slander. Whatever, it was worth it. I hope you enjoyed this version of my opinion. I'll try and do something a little less offensive next time. Not too unoffensive though. I wouldn't do that to you. If you enjoy watch gay people get victimized by random people on the street, then this video's for you. Until next time, Fuck You Manny Ramirez!
Friday, September 19, 2008
I Never Felt Satisfied
Besides probably being what my Mom said to my Dad when they broke up, the title of today's blog goes through my mind when I think of certain things that I just couldn't or still can't get enough of. Although my life is teetering on the edge of being "completely useless to society except for pouring money into Starbucks, Jamba Juice, and the Whiskey industry," I have decided to write a blog about what useless people spend their time doing: watching a shit ton of TV. Because while you were partying and getting laid in high school, I was doing research for today's blog. So we all know who got the better end of that deal. So let's get into the 6 TV Shows that Deserve More Love
6. Firefly
Network Run: 11 Episodes Aired (14 were made) between September 2002 and August 2003 on FOX, presumably to make room for Andy Richter Controls the Universe
Lack of Appeal: Science Fiction shows have never really received too much love. Fox aired the episodes out of order, take unexplained breaks between episodes. Joss Whedon's visually excellent follow up to Buffy, Firefly gained little support from the get-go. Fox aired a stand alone episode as the pilot and aired the pilot a few episodes later. The show was even preempted for sporting events. Imagine going into an episode of LOST, never having seen the show before, 20 minutes into it. You'd be even more lost than the characters! (Bad Pun Alert!) This brand of sci-fi vagrants taking vigilante jobs on other planets to earn a living just never had a chance to take off.
Redeeming Factors: Whedon's show did win an Emmy for "Best Visual Effects" and also garnered some strong critical reviews, along with an intense cult following. You also may have caught the most excellent movie based on the series Serenity. The show has made a pretty decent amount off DVD sales, books, and comics all based on the series as well. Plus, the show could have been a classic if FOX gave it time, but, alas, we are talking about FOX. In a not-so-strange turn of events, you will most definitely see FOX mentioned again on this list.
5. Undeclared
Network Run: Had a 17 episode run (15 aired) during the 2001-2002 season before it was canceled by, you guessed it, FOX.
Lack of Appeal: In yet another twist in the "We Cancel Great Shows" saga, FOX aired the episodes out of order and moved it all around on the schedule in just one season, causing the show to consistently lose ratings throughout its run. This great drama about college life suffered the fate of most college shows: failure. The show was very funny, had good writing, acting, and pacing. The thing with college shows is that you really can't be all that truthful about college life on network TV, especially conservative network TV. If Judd Apatow made this show now, it would probably be the highest rated show on television. But, alas, timing es everything.
Redeeming Factors: How's this for redemption?
Two directors who directed episodes of this show have directed $100+ million movies and two others made movies grossing $60+ million (not including Apatow). Two actors have written, with top billing, 3 movies that grossed over $100 million (Jason Segel and Seth Rogen), along with Rogen starring in major success Knocked Up and 40-Year Old Virgin. Segel also is one of the stars of "How I Met Your Mother" on CBS. Pretty much any comedy without Apatow's name attached to it these days is destined for failure. (minus Tropic Thunder, although that does have Apatow regular and Undeclared's main character Jay Baruchel.)
4. Spaced
Network Run: 14 Episodes (divided into 2 seasons of 7) aired between 1999 and 2001 on Channel 4 in Britain.
Lack of Appeal: This show was actually not a failure in Britain but nobody in the United States has even heard of it. Well, that's a shame because its one of the funniest show I've seen. I spose the lack of exposure in the US is probably the top factor in its lack of popularity over here. But if you liked Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, then rest assured you'll most definitely love this little ditty. Although it'll never catch on completely here, you should check it out anyway. That is, unless you're gay. If you are, there's nothing wrong with that, this just might not be your cup o' tea.
Redeeming Factors: The pop culture references are nearly endless and border on ludicrous. The unholy trio of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and director Edgar Wright got the idea for Shaun of the Dead from an episode in this series, so everyone should be damn well thankful for that. So check it out. NOW.
3. The Wire
Network Run: 60 episodes aired on HBO from 2002-2008.
Lack of Appeal: Well, not everybody gets HBO for one, so the wide appeal of any show is hard to reach, unless you're a show like The Sopranos or Flight of the Conchords. Also, the plot is a very complex one, with many different points of view and characters. There also is many black characters, which is good if you're in a Tyler Perry movie (if you are, please die immediately), but not if your in a drama on a premium cable network that black people probably don't get. Besides that, there's lots of hard-to-follow slang and it had a terrible time slot. That people didn't watch this show proves that people just aren't smart.
Redeeming Factors: Although it never achieved commercial success, The Wire was rated by critics as one of the best TV shows of all time. Even Obama has said that it's his favorite show, which has very little to do with anything actually. The Wire has a 98/100 score on metacritic, which averages out reviews, making it the best reviewed show this decade. C'mon people! It has gang warfare, drug dealing, profanity, and extremely interesting characters. If it had titties it would be the perfect show!
2. Freaks and Geeks
Network Run: 18 episodes were completed (12 aired) for NBC between 1999-2000.
Lack of Appeal: The show, despite its cult following, just never got off the ground. Scheduling changes and preemption by sporting events on Sunday nights hurt its chances of ever getting a bigger fanbase. Its hard to center a show around adolescence as Apatow, who produced the show, would find out immediately after "Freaks" was canceled with Undeclared. This show, which centered around the lives of different groups of kids in high school (guess which ones!) and the ordinary dealings of high school kids in general. Its a travesty cause this show was the shit.
Redeeming Factors: I think Apatow and his crew are doing just fine nowadays, as I mentioned above. Also, the lead female character looks, acts, and talks EXACTLY like Ellen Page in Juno. I'd pretty much bet my life on the fact that they based the character's look on her. It's creepy how much they are alike. You know, besides the pregnancy thing. The show was also nominated for 3 Emmys in its time, which is a pretty good accomplishment for a show that only aired 12 episodes. Which brings me to my next point: someone in a Apatow movie eventually has to get nominated for an Academy Award. Why is it that the Academy thinks its easier to make people laugh than any other emotion? It's hard to make a comedy that is loved by fans AND critics. Apatow has done it and done it relatively consistently.
1. Arrested Development
Network Run: 3 seasons of 53 episodes aired from 2003 to 2006 on FOX, which deserves to die for the way they promoted this show.
Lack of Appeal: Despite it being one the best shows to air on television, Arrested Development never could gain a sizable audience. FOX passed it around like a crackwhore on its schedule, even pitting it against Monday Night Football and the series finale against the opening of the 2006 Winter Olympics. It got moved from Sunday to Friday to Monday, a different night for all three seasons. You people sicken me, this show could be on Season 6 right now, WHY DIDN'T YOU PEOPLE FUCKING WATCH THIS SHOW?! IT'S LIKE SEX FOR ALL THE COMEDIC BONES IN YOUR BODY FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Redeeming Factors: Ehem....sorry. Arrested won 6 Emmys and always had the backing of most critics. DVD sales have been impressive compared to its ratings and the show helped launch the career of Michael Cera. There even be a movie made based on the show. Also, it was best comedic show ever made. Disagree with you must, I will not care nor back down from my opinion. Rarely would a show make fun of itself due to poor ratings with in-jokes in the show. This show had the courage and brilliance to joke about anything and everything. And You Didn't Watch It. FOR SHAME!
If you are interested in checking out any of these fine television programs, you can find most, if not all, episodes at SurftheChannel.com. It's a great time waster. Hope you enjoyed this blog, it brought back some good memories of some good shows. Well, now that I'm done here I must go and serve my worldly purpose so I can do another blog on underrated TV 8 years from now. Adios, muchachos.
6. Firefly
Network Run: 11 Episodes Aired (14 were made) between September 2002 and August 2003 on FOX, presumably to make room for Andy Richter Controls the Universe
Lack of Appeal: Science Fiction shows have never really received too much love. Fox aired the episodes out of order, take unexplained breaks between episodes. Joss Whedon's visually excellent follow up to Buffy, Firefly gained little support from the get-go. Fox aired a stand alone episode as the pilot and aired the pilot a few episodes later. The show was even preempted for sporting events. Imagine going into an episode of LOST, never having seen the show before, 20 minutes into it. You'd be even more lost than the characters! (Bad Pun Alert!) This brand of sci-fi vagrants taking vigilante jobs on other planets to earn a living just never had a chance to take off.
Redeeming Factors: Whedon's show did win an Emmy for "Best Visual Effects" and also garnered some strong critical reviews, along with an intense cult following. You also may have caught the most excellent movie based on the series Serenity. The show has made a pretty decent amount off DVD sales, books, and comics all based on the series as well. Plus, the show could have been a classic if FOX gave it time, but, alas, we are talking about FOX. In a not-so-strange turn of events, you will most definitely see FOX mentioned again on this list.
5. Undeclared
Network Run: Had a 17 episode run (15 aired) during the 2001-2002 season before it was canceled by, you guessed it, FOX.
Lack of Appeal: In yet another twist in the "We Cancel Great Shows" saga, FOX aired the episodes out of order and moved it all around on the schedule in just one season, causing the show to consistently lose ratings throughout its run. This great drama about college life suffered the fate of most college shows: failure. The show was very funny, had good writing, acting, and pacing. The thing with college shows is that you really can't be all that truthful about college life on network TV, especially conservative network TV. If Judd Apatow made this show now, it would probably be the highest rated show on television. But, alas, timing es everything.
Redeeming Factors: How's this for redemption?
Two directors who directed episodes of this show have directed $100+ million movies and two others made movies grossing $60+ million (not including Apatow). Two actors have written, with top billing, 3 movies that grossed over $100 million (Jason Segel and Seth Rogen), along with Rogen starring in major success Knocked Up and 40-Year Old Virgin. Segel also is one of the stars of "How I Met Your Mother" on CBS. Pretty much any comedy without Apatow's name attached to it these days is destined for failure. (minus Tropic Thunder, although that does have Apatow regular and Undeclared's main character Jay Baruchel.)
4. Spaced
Network Run: 14 Episodes (divided into 2 seasons of 7) aired between 1999 and 2001 on Channel 4 in Britain.
Lack of Appeal: This show was actually not a failure in Britain but nobody in the United States has even heard of it. Well, that's a shame because its one of the funniest show I've seen. I spose the lack of exposure in the US is probably the top factor in its lack of popularity over here. But if you liked Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, then rest assured you'll most definitely love this little ditty. Although it'll never catch on completely here, you should check it out anyway. That is, unless you're gay. If you are, there's nothing wrong with that, this just might not be your cup o' tea.
Redeeming Factors: The pop culture references are nearly endless and border on ludicrous. The unholy trio of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and director Edgar Wright got the idea for Shaun of the Dead from an episode in this series, so everyone should be damn well thankful for that. So check it out. NOW.
3. The Wire
Network Run: 60 episodes aired on HBO from 2002-2008.
Lack of Appeal: Well, not everybody gets HBO for one, so the wide appeal of any show is hard to reach, unless you're a show like The Sopranos or Flight of the Conchords. Also, the plot is a very complex one, with many different points of view and characters. There also is many black characters, which is good if you're in a Tyler Perry movie (if you are, please die immediately), but not if your in a drama on a premium cable network that black people probably don't get. Besides that, there's lots of hard-to-follow slang and it had a terrible time slot. That people didn't watch this show proves that people just aren't smart.
Redeeming Factors: Although it never achieved commercial success, The Wire was rated by critics as one of the best TV shows of all time. Even Obama has said that it's his favorite show, which has very little to do with anything actually. The Wire has a 98/100 score on metacritic, which averages out reviews, making it the best reviewed show this decade. C'mon people! It has gang warfare, drug dealing, profanity, and extremely interesting characters. If it had titties it would be the perfect show!
2. Freaks and Geeks
Network Run: 18 episodes were completed (12 aired) for NBC between 1999-2000.
Lack of Appeal: The show, despite its cult following, just never got off the ground. Scheduling changes and preemption by sporting events on Sunday nights hurt its chances of ever getting a bigger fanbase. Its hard to center a show around adolescence as Apatow, who produced the show, would find out immediately after "Freaks" was canceled with Undeclared. This show, which centered around the lives of different groups of kids in high school (guess which ones!) and the ordinary dealings of high school kids in general. Its a travesty cause this show was the shit.
Redeeming Factors: I think Apatow and his crew are doing just fine nowadays, as I mentioned above. Also, the lead female character looks, acts, and talks EXACTLY like Ellen Page in Juno. I'd pretty much bet my life on the fact that they based the character's look on her. It's creepy how much they are alike. You know, besides the pregnancy thing. The show was also nominated for 3 Emmys in its time, which is a pretty good accomplishment for a show that only aired 12 episodes. Which brings me to my next point: someone in a Apatow movie eventually has to get nominated for an Academy Award. Why is it that the Academy thinks its easier to make people laugh than any other emotion? It's hard to make a comedy that is loved by fans AND critics. Apatow has done it and done it relatively consistently.
1. Arrested Development
Network Run: 3 seasons of 53 episodes aired from 2003 to 2006 on FOX, which deserves to die for the way they promoted this show.
Lack of Appeal: Despite it being one the best shows to air on television, Arrested Development never could gain a sizable audience. FOX passed it around like a crackwhore on its schedule, even pitting it against Monday Night Football and the series finale against the opening of the 2006 Winter Olympics. It got moved from Sunday to Friday to Monday, a different night for all three seasons. You people sicken me, this show could be on Season 6 right now, WHY DIDN'T YOU PEOPLE FUCKING WATCH THIS SHOW?! IT'S LIKE SEX FOR ALL THE COMEDIC BONES IN YOUR BODY FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Redeeming Factors: Ehem....sorry. Arrested won 6 Emmys and always had the backing of most critics. DVD sales have been impressive compared to its ratings and the show helped launch the career of Michael Cera. There even be a movie made based on the show. Also, it was best comedic show ever made. Disagree with you must, I will not care nor back down from my opinion. Rarely would a show make fun of itself due to poor ratings with in-jokes in the show. This show had the courage and brilliance to joke about anything and everything. And You Didn't Watch It. FOR SHAME!
If you are interested in checking out any of these fine television programs, you can find most, if not all, episodes at SurftheChannel.com. It's a great time waster. Hope you enjoyed this blog, it brought back some good memories of some good shows. Well, now that I'm done here I must go and serve my worldly purpose so I can do another blog on underrated TV 8 years from now. Adios, muchachos.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
You Are Part of the Rebel Alliance and a Traitor! Take Her Away!
Before I get started on this week's amazing blog, I have to explain my infatuation with the number 6. See, it has come to my attention that I use the number 6 for most of my lists. Well, 6 is a good number for lists. Especially on a small time blog. Admittedly, sometimes I'm lazy and 6 is a good median in regards to time. So now that I've sort of explained that, I'm going to blow your ass out of the water with History's SEVEN Worst Traitors. When I say worst, I mean incompetent. When I say incompetent, I'm talking like Lovie Smith incompetent. So, you know, pretty damn bad.
7. William Joyce
Traitor Against: Was Born in America but was a traitor against Britain where he later lived.
What'd He Do: Joyce moved to Germany in 1939 and became a naturalized citizen in 1940. Before he moved to Germany, he was involved in a few fascist organizations in the UK. For this, the Brits were ready to detain him but Joyce was tipped off. Joyce later became the German radio propaganda broadcaster for English listeners and was nicknamed "Lord Haw-Haw." Although I have no idea what it means, it was presumably made up by the Germans so it must have to do with being really funny. Or, you know....not.
His Fate: Joyce was tried and executed in Britain a few years later for doing the propaganda broadcast while his British passport was still active. His last words were: "In death as in life, I defy the Jews who caused this war." Ahh, defiance. Or, you know, racism.
6. Iva Toguri D'Aquino or if you are racist "Toyko Rose"
Traitor Against: Bitch was a traitor against us.
What'd She Do: Ms. Rose was an interesting case. During WWII, she was a Japanese-American stuck in Japan. She worked for "Radio Tokyo" and had a short segment everyday, doing comedy sketches and the like. No anti-American comments were ever spoken by Ms. Toguri-D'Aquino but she was thrown in jail after the war was over for one year. After that, she was put on trial for 8 counts of treason. Mostly due to hearsay from witnesses who were probably lying under threat of "a-gohing to internament camp as dry cleaner."
Her Fate: Sentenced on one count of treason with 10 years in jail. She served 6 years and 2 months and was released, moving to Chicago to try out for the Cubs who finished in last place that year and desperately needed a lefty. Later, a Chicago Tribune report found the main witnesses were coerced, which led to Gerald Ford pardoning her but, you know, not before he pardoned that other guy. What's his name?
I really can't remember.
Oh, wait....
You're a fucker.
5. Meruzhan Artsruni
Traitor Against: Defected against Armenia back in the day. Even before 2Pac and Biggie.
What'd He Do: Well, Meruzhan was acutally a traitor back in the mid-4th century. When Persia invaded Armenia, Meruzhan, who was an Armenian lord (which is like today's equivalent to being President of the Galapagos Islands) defected over to Persia. He fought against the Armenians throughout the ensuing battle because he was promised riches from some Islamic demi-god. Armenians hate this dude like black people hate swimming. Which is very much.
His Fate: The Persian attack was thwarted by some scary Armenian dude (if you've ever met an Armenian, you know they're all scary fuckers). When the late Armenian king was replaced, Artsruni was totally taken out by an assassin. Some Armenians wanted to start making his name synonomous with "traitor" but, even in Armenian, Artsruni doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. So they stuck with "cockface".
4. Judas Iscariot
Traitor Against: Over a billion people's lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ . (Little known fact: H stands for Hadassah but the church thought is sounded too "Araby")
What'd He Do: Judas was the 12 Apostles' accountant (Peter was the cook). You know the story of Judas. He betrayed Jesus for cash, Jesus gets arrested and crucified, blah, blah, risen, so forth and so on. What you don't know is that, although Judas is widely viewed as a traitor and a sneaky motherfucker by Christians, a papyrus script was found in Egypt that was discovered to be the Gospel of Judas. In it, it states that his act was not a betrayal but rather Judas was following instructions from Jesus to fulfill his prophecy. So, you know, that would change things. In the end, winners and people that are alive get to write history anyway they want. In a thousand years, people will read "and thus Dolan raised up a Guinness to the Lord and the Lord said: "You shall replace me." and it was good." Fucking a' it was good.
His Fate: It's widely believed Judas was overwhelmed with guilt and hung himself. But for the purpose of drama, we're going to say the other semi-believed theory that the other 11 Apostles were a tad pissed and stoned him to death. Imagine how much weed he'd have to smoke to get stoned to death. Crazy.
3. Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg
Traitor Against: The Nazi Regime. Or the dark lord Adolf.
What'd He Do: You may have heard of Claus. Ever since Hitler had taken power there were plots against him. When the tide of the war was turning against Germany, German military leaders became more desperate. Claus didn't appreciate all the Jew-killing and POW burning. Operation Walkure was designed to assemble the reserve army, take out the SS, and arrest German leadership. Between 1943 and 1944, there were at least 4 attempts to get a conspirator close to Hitler that all failed. Since Hitler was becoming more and more paranoid towards the end of the war, he made less public appearances, making it more difficult to cap his white ass. Claus got appointed to a high up position in the military that allowed him to sit in on Hitler's staff meetings. Claus attended a conference on July 20th, as the SS and Gestapo was closing in on the conspirators, there was a desperate feeling to get rid of Hitler or the window would close. Claus attended the meeting with a bomb in his briefcase. He made an excuse to leave the room and the bomb exploded soon after. 3 died, but Hitler suffered only minor injuries. In association with the plot, 5,000 people were arrested and 200 killed.
His Fate: One of the conspirators attempted to save his own ass by arresting some of the other conspirators and killing them, including Claus here, the very next day. It is said that if Claus placed the briefcase on the other side of the table leg, Hitler would have been as dead as a Jew in Munich. Oh, by the way, I just ruined the movie Valkyrie, coming to your local cinema this December with Tom Cruise as Claus here. At least you'll get to see him die.
2. Benedict Arnold
Traitor Against: America. The dirty fuck joined the British. I would have killed him myself.
What'd He Do: Arnold was in control of West Point and offered to sell it to the British for 20,000 pounds (roughly $1.1 million in 2008). His cohort and son-in-law Major Andre, a British spy, was caught with the plans with Arnold's signature. The plot was thwarted but not before Arnold defected over to the British side. His cohort was hanged and George Washington raped Arnold's daughter, taped it, and sent it to Arnold, finishing all over her face while giving the camera the middle finger. Ok, she was offered and took safe passage to England. The other way was funnier and more awesome.
His Fate: Besides becoming the American word for traitor, Arnold served out some time in the British army, drinking tea, eating dumplings, and having the occasional pint with his mates. He also died a very painful death from gout he got in his leg, and he had delusions for 4 straight days before dying. Wow, that would suck. Serves you right, buddy.
1. Vidkun Quisling
Traitor Against: Norway during World War II
What'd He Do: Quisling was head of the extremist Norwegian Socialist Party. In 1940, Germany invaded Norway with the plan of placing Quisling at the head of a puppet government. Quisling burst into a radio studio, proclaimed he was the new Prime Minister and ordered a halt to all resistance. The act did the opposite of what Hitler wanted, as nobody listened to Quisling and he ruined any chance of getting Norway to surrender. Germany did eventually capture Norway and Quisling was placed in power from 1942-1945. While he was in power he had Norwegian patriots sent to concentration camps, assisted in the deportation of Jews, and encouraging Norwegians to join the SS. Then the war ended and everybody decided they weren't going to be socialist if they didn't have to be.
His Fate: Quisling totally sold out his country for power. That is generally noted in history as an act of cowardice. The word "Quisling" is basically the word for "traitor" in most of Western Europe. Besides being forever known as a big pussy, Quisling was arrested after the war ended for high treason and executed by firing squad. This douchebag was socialist, sold his country to the Nazi's, and had a Russian communist wife. I do not like him. In an article after Quisling took power, the The Times in London proclaimed "if they had been ordered to find a new word for a traitor...they could hardly have hit upon a better combination of letters than Quisling." In other news, Norway is really, really cold and is rated the most peaceful country in the world. So, if you're a hippy, that's good news.
I hope you enjoyed my thorough examination of past traitors that have acted out of cowardice towards their respective countries. I'll try and shy away from the number 6 for a while, maybe I'll start obsessing over 7 or 5 or 10. Maybe I'll even go over some TV shows that never got the love they deserved next time but until then, jeg vil se deg senere!
7. William Joyce
Traitor Against: Was Born in America but was a traitor against Britain where he later lived.
What'd He Do: Joyce moved to Germany in 1939 and became a naturalized citizen in 1940. Before he moved to Germany, he was involved in a few fascist organizations in the UK. For this, the Brits were ready to detain him but Joyce was tipped off. Joyce later became the German radio propaganda broadcaster for English listeners and was nicknamed "Lord Haw-Haw." Although I have no idea what it means, it was presumably made up by the Germans so it must have to do with being really funny. Or, you know....not.
His Fate: Joyce was tried and executed in Britain a few years later for doing the propaganda broadcast while his British passport was still active. His last words were: "In death as in life, I defy the Jews who caused this war." Ahh, defiance. Or, you know, racism.
6. Iva Toguri D'Aquino or if you are racist "Toyko Rose"
Traitor Against: Bitch was a traitor against us.
What'd She Do: Ms. Rose was an interesting case. During WWII, she was a Japanese-American stuck in Japan. She worked for "Radio Tokyo" and had a short segment everyday, doing comedy sketches and the like. No anti-American comments were ever spoken by Ms. Toguri-D'Aquino but she was thrown in jail after the war was over for one year. After that, she was put on trial for 8 counts of treason. Mostly due to hearsay from witnesses who were probably lying under threat of "a-gohing to internament camp as dry cleaner."
Her Fate: Sentenced on one count of treason with 10 years in jail. She served 6 years and 2 months and was released, moving to Chicago to try out for the Cubs who finished in last place that year and desperately needed a lefty. Later, a Chicago Tribune report found the main witnesses were coerced, which led to Gerald Ford pardoning her but, you know, not before he pardoned that other guy. What's his name?
I really can't remember.
Oh, wait....
You're a fucker.
5. Meruzhan Artsruni
Traitor Against: Defected against Armenia back in the day. Even before 2Pac and Biggie.
What'd He Do: Well, Meruzhan was acutally a traitor back in the mid-4th century. When Persia invaded Armenia, Meruzhan, who was an Armenian lord (which is like today's equivalent to being President of the Galapagos Islands) defected over to Persia. He fought against the Armenians throughout the ensuing battle because he was promised riches from some Islamic demi-god. Armenians hate this dude like black people hate swimming. Which is very much.
His Fate: The Persian attack was thwarted by some scary Armenian dude (if you've ever met an Armenian, you know they're all scary fuckers). When the late Armenian king was replaced, Artsruni was totally taken out by an assassin. Some Armenians wanted to start making his name synonomous with "traitor" but, even in Armenian, Artsruni doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. So they stuck with "cockface".
4. Judas Iscariot
Traitor Against: Over a billion people's lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ . (Little known fact: H stands for Hadassah but the church thought is sounded too "Araby")
What'd He Do: Judas was the 12 Apostles' accountant (Peter was the cook). You know the story of Judas. He betrayed Jesus for cash, Jesus gets arrested and crucified, blah, blah, risen, so forth and so on. What you don't know is that, although Judas is widely viewed as a traitor and a sneaky motherfucker by Christians, a papyrus script was found in Egypt that was discovered to be the Gospel of Judas. In it, it states that his act was not a betrayal but rather Judas was following instructions from Jesus to fulfill his prophecy. So, you know, that would change things. In the end, winners and people that are alive get to write history anyway they want. In a thousand years, people will read "and thus Dolan raised up a Guinness to the Lord and the Lord said: "You shall replace me." and it was good." Fucking a' it was good.
His Fate: It's widely believed Judas was overwhelmed with guilt and hung himself. But for the purpose of drama, we're going to say the other semi-believed theory that the other 11 Apostles were a tad pissed and stoned him to death. Imagine how much weed he'd have to smoke to get stoned to death. Crazy.
3. Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg
Traitor Against: The Nazi Regime. Or the dark lord Adolf.
What'd He Do: You may have heard of Claus. Ever since Hitler had taken power there were plots against him. When the tide of the war was turning against Germany, German military leaders became more desperate. Claus didn't appreciate all the Jew-killing and POW burning. Operation Walkure was designed to assemble the reserve army, take out the SS, and arrest German leadership. Between 1943 and 1944, there were at least 4 attempts to get a conspirator close to Hitler that all failed. Since Hitler was becoming more and more paranoid towards the end of the war, he made less public appearances, making it more difficult to cap his white ass. Claus got appointed to a high up position in the military that allowed him to sit in on Hitler's staff meetings. Claus attended a conference on July 20th, as the SS and Gestapo was closing in on the conspirators, there was a desperate feeling to get rid of Hitler or the window would close. Claus attended the meeting with a bomb in his briefcase. He made an excuse to leave the room and the bomb exploded soon after. 3 died, but Hitler suffered only minor injuries. In association with the plot, 5,000 people were arrested and 200 killed.
His Fate: One of the conspirators attempted to save his own ass by arresting some of the other conspirators and killing them, including Claus here, the very next day. It is said that if Claus placed the briefcase on the other side of the table leg, Hitler would have been as dead as a Jew in Munich. Oh, by the way, I just ruined the movie Valkyrie, coming to your local cinema this December with Tom Cruise as Claus here. At least you'll get to see him die.
2. Benedict Arnold
Traitor Against: America. The dirty fuck joined the British. I would have killed him myself.
What'd He Do: Arnold was in control of West Point and offered to sell it to the British for 20,000 pounds (roughly $1.1 million in 2008). His cohort and son-in-law Major Andre, a British spy, was caught with the plans with Arnold's signature. The plot was thwarted but not before Arnold defected over to the British side. His cohort was hanged and George Washington raped Arnold's daughter, taped it, and sent it to Arnold, finishing all over her face while giving the camera the middle finger. Ok, she was offered and took safe passage to England. The other way was funnier and more awesome.
His Fate: Besides becoming the American word for traitor, Arnold served out some time in the British army, drinking tea, eating dumplings, and having the occasional pint with his mates. He also died a very painful death from gout he got in his leg, and he had delusions for 4 straight days before dying. Wow, that would suck. Serves you right, buddy.
1. Vidkun Quisling
Traitor Against: Norway during World War II
What'd He Do: Quisling was head of the extremist Norwegian Socialist Party. In 1940, Germany invaded Norway with the plan of placing Quisling at the head of a puppet government. Quisling burst into a radio studio, proclaimed he was the new Prime Minister and ordered a halt to all resistance. The act did the opposite of what Hitler wanted, as nobody listened to Quisling and he ruined any chance of getting Norway to surrender. Germany did eventually capture Norway and Quisling was placed in power from 1942-1945. While he was in power he had Norwegian patriots sent to concentration camps, assisted in the deportation of Jews, and encouraging Norwegians to join the SS. Then the war ended and everybody decided they weren't going to be socialist if they didn't have to be.
His Fate: Quisling totally sold out his country for power. That is generally noted in history as an act of cowardice. The word "Quisling" is basically the word for "traitor" in most of Western Europe. Besides being forever known as a big pussy, Quisling was arrested after the war ended for high treason and executed by firing squad. This douchebag was socialist, sold his country to the Nazi's, and had a Russian communist wife. I do not like him. In an article after Quisling took power, the The Times in London proclaimed "if they had been ordered to find a new word for a traitor...they could hardly have hit upon a better combination of letters than Quisling." In other news, Norway is really, really cold and is rated the most peaceful country in the world. So, if you're a hippy, that's good news.
I hope you enjoyed my thorough examination of past traitors that have acted out of cowardice towards their respective countries. I'll try and shy away from the number 6 for a while, maybe I'll start obsessing over 7 or 5 or 10. Maybe I'll even go over some TV shows that never got the love they deserved next time but until then, jeg vil se deg senere!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Hope Springs Eternal
I was going to write about something completely different from what I will be sharing with you today. I was going to write about racism (isn't that every blog?) until I saw a video on ESPN about the Cubs. And it dawned on me...I've never written about the Cubs. And since they take up at least 1/8th of my day, everyday from April to (occasionally) October, I figure they deserve their own place on this blog. So, instead of dwelling on the well-publicized misery of the last 100 years, I'm going to look at the positives that have happened since the Cubs last visited the World Series. 6 Greatest Cub Moments Since 1945.
6. Near Perfection
The Game: Cubs vs. Padres at Wrigley, September 2, 1972.
The Moment: Cubs pitcher Milt Pappas pitches a no-hitter, losing a perfect game on a walk on a 3-2 count with 2 outs in the 9th.
Significance: Besides being nothing but bitter over the 3-2 pitch, which (apparently) just missed the outside corner, Milt Pappas' day was among the best in Cubs pitching history. The Cubs haven't had a pitcher throw a no-hitter since then and have never thrown a perfect game. He remains the only pitcher ever the lose the perfect game on the 27th batter and still pitch a no-hitter. But if you ask Pappas about the game, you'll get nothing more than a angry rant over umpire Bruce Froemming, who was once called by a player "a cross between Napoleon and Hitler." He also called an MLB official a "stupid Jew bitch." In 1981, Pappas wife went missing for 5 months until she was found in a pond in her car, drowned. Pappas blamed the incident on Froemming. Ok, that's not that funny. But it's a little funny.
Legacy: Pappas, who was in his second to last year, never got over the no-hitter but it remains the 2nd greatest pitching performance in Cub history. However, the game, along with being fondly remembered, is also a major subject of angst with Cubs fans, who feel cheated out of one of the greatest accomplishments in sports.
5. Club Membership
The Game: Cubs vs. Atlanta Braves at Wrigley, May 12, 1970.
The Moment: Ernie Banks hits his 500th homer, becoming the first Cub player to hit 500 homers.
Significance: Ernie Banks was one of, if not the, greatest Cub to play at Wrigley. On a dreary day in another dreary season, Banks hit a sailing line drive that just got over the ivy-covered walls. It was a moment that gave Cubs fans something to cheer about when there was little to be optimistic over. If anyone deserved a moment like this, it was Ernie. Ernie Banks both personifies why it's so fun to be a Cub fan and so horrible to be a Cub fan. It was one of the greatest home runs ever hit at Wrigley Field, but in the end, the home run was just another run on the board in a Cubs loss.
The Legacy: Poor Ernie played in the most games to never appear in a postseason game. He sits now in the Hall of Fame and at home with his 2 MVP awards, even though the Cubs finished in last place. Banks had his number retired an has a statue in front of Wrigley. His 500th homer meant more than a run: it meant happiness and job where there was little.
4. Living in Infamy
The Game: Cubs vs. Milwaukee Brewers at Wrigley, September 13, 1998
The Moment: Sammy Sosa hits his 61st and 62nd home runs in the same game.
Significance: It's one of those years that everyone remembers. Rarely do the Cubs make the playoffs, yet have the MVP. This year they would do it twice. In mid-September, Sosa was coming off a intense series with the Cardinals, witnessing the travesty that was Mark McGwire breaking Maris' home run record. In a day game against Milwaukee, with Sosa trailing Big Sack by 2 homers, Sosa hit his 61st and 62nd homers to tie McGwire and break Maris' record. The home runs were more meaningful for Sosa, as the Cubs rode him (literally. name a player on that team besides Grace) to the playoffs. Sosa's home runs on that afternoon were both crushed out of the park. It was truly an amazing moment at Wrigley, finally giving Cubs fans to cheer about for the first time in the 90's.
Legacy: Sosa's (alleged. ha.) steroid use have pretty much ruined that moment, that season, and baseball's home run record. The Cubs got swept in the playoffs and wouldn't make it again until the now infamous 2003 season. That's so Cub.
3. A Day to Remember
The Game: Cubs vs. Cardinals at Wrigley, June 23, 1984.
The Moment: "The Sandberg Game". Or "The Fuck You St. Louis Game." Both work for me.
Significance: It what would turn out to be a great, but disappointing, season (is there any other kind?) a nationally televised game between the Cubs and Cards put both Sandberg and the team in the national spotlight. The Cubs were down 9-3 in the 5th until Sandberg's 2 run single. The Cubs were trailing 9-8 in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs, with Sandberg facing Bruce Sutter (who would finish the season with 45 saves). Sandberg preceded to take Sutter's bitch ass yard and tie the game. The Cardinals, however, being the annoying bastards they are, scored 2 in the top of the 10th. With a man on first in the bottom of the 10th, Sandberg came up again and hit another home run to tie the game, as Sutter left the mound to go inject heroin for the pain. In a funny tidbit, Willie McGhee was named the player of the game before the first homer. The Cubs would go on to win the game in 11 innings, while the Cardinals left the field to go get hammered to ease their sorrows.
Legacy: The game put Ryno on the map as a stud and the Cubs as a team to watch. They would make the playoffs, coming almost as close as 2003 to making the World Series, losing 3-2 to San Diego after winning the first 2 games. Sandberg was 5 for 6 with 2 HR's and 7 RBI's on his way to an MVP season as one of the first 5-tool second basemen. One of the tools: sexual energy.
2. So Close, So Far
The Game: Cubs vs. Marlins at that crappy stadium in Florida, October 11, 2003
The Moment: NLCS Game 4
Significance: May of you will ask, "Why? 2003, are you fucking mental?" Well, first off, that's offensive. Second off, it might have been the greatest Cub victory since 1945. With just one hit in the first inning the Cubs took the lead on Aramis Ramirez' grand slam. The Cubs cruised the whole night, winning 8-3. The particular moment? The 27th and final out. Most people only remember Game 6, and I have long associated the entire year of 2003 as "That Year." A year I've tried over and over, through drinking, smoking, and drugs, to completely erase from memory. 2003 is probably responsible for my early death. But can you remember how amazing you felt after Game 4, when the Cubs took a 3-1 lead and were within footsteps of reaching the World Series. That is a high I've never felt before or since. Game 6 pretty much described everything that is wrong in "Cub Nation." Game 4 was the utter pinnacle of joy. Remember the victory, not the loss. It's the only thing that could keep you sane.
Legacy: You know the legacy. I won't dare speak his name. I do everything I can to not watch that clip, but when I do, a part of me dies. I'm sure it's a similar feeling for many Cubs fans. Anger, sadness, alcoholism. All these states of mind are normal. Remember this: the Cubs have made the playoffs 5 times since 1983, averaging once every 5 years. You got to witness one of the greatest seasons in Cub history. They lost in '03, but tell me you've felt better than after Game 4 while watching sports.
2. Update: Since the blog was written 2 days before Zambrano's no-hitter, I decided to update and let you know that, if I had written it 3 days later, Z's no-hitter would definitely be number 2 and everything else would be moved down one spot. Kerry Wood's game still trumps Z's performance, but Zambrano's no-hitter was nothing short of spectacular.
1. That's Just Filthy
The Game: Cubs vs. Astros at Wrigley on May 6th, 1998.
The Moment: Kerry Wood redefines "Not Fair," "Disgusting," and "That Pitch Just Made Me Horny."
Significance: In what is often consider the best pitching performance in the history of baseball, Kerry Wood's 5th start was one that will never be forgotten. Pitch by pitch, batter by batter, Kerry Wood unleashed breaking balls that would make Babe Ruth buckle. Fastballs that would literally take off your head. Wood struck out his age. He hit triple digits and threw the nastiest curveballs ever thrown by a human being. Wood only gave up a questionable hit that deflected off 3rd basemen Kevin "This Is All I'm Known For" Orie's glove and hit a batter. He faced 29 batters and struck out 20. The Astros 3/4/5 hitters went 0 for 9 with 9 strikeouts. The game was pitched so well, it might have ruined his career. To have pitched a game like this, it may have been worth it.
Legacy: Well, the injuries. But for a 3 hour period on a rainy May day at Wrigley, the Cubs had a rookie pitcher go out and carve his name in the record books, hitter after unlucky hitter. It was a day, more than any other in the last 63 years, where fans were more than proud to call themselves "Cubs fans."
I'd show a video but Major League Baseball doesn't allow videos to be posted online sites such as YouTube.
In a season that could very well change all the misery that comes with being a Cubs fan, I hope you enjoyed my rather nostalgic look back at the history of the Cubs. Hopefully this will finally be the year so I can stop drinking. We'll see. Until next time, adios sports fans! Also, Check out this cool video over at ESPN.com about Cubs fandom. Cubs Fandom
6. Near Perfection
The Game: Cubs vs. Padres at Wrigley, September 2, 1972.
The Moment: Cubs pitcher Milt Pappas pitches a no-hitter, losing a perfect game on a walk on a 3-2 count with 2 outs in the 9th.
Significance: Besides being nothing but bitter over the 3-2 pitch, which (apparently) just missed the outside corner, Milt Pappas' day was among the best in Cubs pitching history. The Cubs haven't had a pitcher throw a no-hitter since then and have never thrown a perfect game. He remains the only pitcher ever the lose the perfect game on the 27th batter and still pitch a no-hitter. But if you ask Pappas about the game, you'll get nothing more than a angry rant over umpire Bruce Froemming, who was once called by a player "a cross between Napoleon and Hitler." He also called an MLB official a "stupid Jew bitch." In 1981, Pappas wife went missing for 5 months until she was found in a pond in her car, drowned. Pappas blamed the incident on Froemming. Ok, that's not that funny. But it's a little funny.
Legacy: Pappas, who was in his second to last year, never got over the no-hitter but it remains the 2nd greatest pitching performance in Cub history. However, the game, along with being fondly remembered, is also a major subject of angst with Cubs fans, who feel cheated out of one of the greatest accomplishments in sports.
5. Club Membership
The Game: Cubs vs. Atlanta Braves at Wrigley, May 12, 1970.
The Moment: Ernie Banks hits his 500th homer, becoming the first Cub player to hit 500 homers.
Significance: Ernie Banks was one of, if not the, greatest Cub to play at Wrigley. On a dreary day in another dreary season, Banks hit a sailing line drive that just got over the ivy-covered walls. It was a moment that gave Cubs fans something to cheer about when there was little to be optimistic over. If anyone deserved a moment like this, it was Ernie. Ernie Banks both personifies why it's so fun to be a Cub fan and so horrible to be a Cub fan. It was one of the greatest home runs ever hit at Wrigley Field, but in the end, the home run was just another run on the board in a Cubs loss.
The Legacy: Poor Ernie played in the most games to never appear in a postseason game. He sits now in the Hall of Fame and at home with his 2 MVP awards, even though the Cubs finished in last place. Banks had his number retired an has a statue in front of Wrigley. His 500th homer meant more than a run: it meant happiness and job where there was little.
4. Living in Infamy
The Game: Cubs vs. Milwaukee Brewers at Wrigley, September 13, 1998
The Moment: Sammy Sosa hits his 61st and 62nd home runs in the same game.
Significance: It's one of those years that everyone remembers. Rarely do the Cubs make the playoffs, yet have the MVP. This year they would do it twice. In mid-September, Sosa was coming off a intense series with the Cardinals, witnessing the travesty that was Mark McGwire breaking Maris' home run record. In a day game against Milwaukee, with Sosa trailing Big Sack by 2 homers, Sosa hit his 61st and 62nd homers to tie McGwire and break Maris' record. The home runs were more meaningful for Sosa, as the Cubs rode him (literally. name a player on that team besides Grace) to the playoffs. Sosa's home runs on that afternoon were both crushed out of the park. It was truly an amazing moment at Wrigley, finally giving Cubs fans to cheer about for the first time in the 90's.
Legacy: Sosa's (alleged. ha.) steroid use have pretty much ruined that moment, that season, and baseball's home run record. The Cubs got swept in the playoffs and wouldn't make it again until the now infamous 2003 season. That's so Cub.
3. A Day to Remember
The Game: Cubs vs. Cardinals at Wrigley, June 23, 1984.
The Moment: "The Sandberg Game". Or "The Fuck You St. Louis Game." Both work for me.
Significance: It what would turn out to be a great, but disappointing, season (is there any other kind?) a nationally televised game between the Cubs and Cards put both Sandberg and the team in the national spotlight. The Cubs were down 9-3 in the 5th until Sandberg's 2 run single. The Cubs were trailing 9-8 in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs, with Sandberg facing Bruce Sutter (who would finish the season with 45 saves). Sandberg preceded to take Sutter's bitch ass yard and tie the game. The Cardinals, however, being the annoying bastards they are, scored 2 in the top of the 10th. With a man on first in the bottom of the 10th, Sandberg came up again and hit another home run to tie the game, as Sutter left the mound to go inject heroin for the pain. In a funny tidbit, Willie McGhee was named the player of the game before the first homer. The Cubs would go on to win the game in 11 innings, while the Cardinals left the field to go get hammered to ease their sorrows.
Legacy: The game put Ryno on the map as a stud and the Cubs as a team to watch. They would make the playoffs, coming almost as close as 2003 to making the World Series, losing 3-2 to San Diego after winning the first 2 games. Sandberg was 5 for 6 with 2 HR's and 7 RBI's on his way to an MVP season as one of the first 5-tool second basemen. One of the tools: sexual energy.
2. So Close, So Far
The Game: Cubs vs. Marlins at that crappy stadium in Florida, October 11, 2003
The Moment: NLCS Game 4
Significance: May of you will ask, "Why? 2003, are you fucking mental?" Well, first off, that's offensive. Second off, it might have been the greatest Cub victory since 1945. With just one hit in the first inning the Cubs took the lead on Aramis Ramirez' grand slam. The Cubs cruised the whole night, winning 8-3. The particular moment? The 27th and final out. Most people only remember Game 6, and I have long associated the entire year of 2003 as "That Year." A year I've tried over and over, through drinking, smoking, and drugs, to completely erase from memory. 2003 is probably responsible for my early death. But can you remember how amazing you felt after Game 4, when the Cubs took a 3-1 lead and were within footsteps of reaching the World Series. That is a high I've never felt before or since. Game 6 pretty much described everything that is wrong in "Cub Nation." Game 4 was the utter pinnacle of joy. Remember the victory, not the loss. It's the only thing that could keep you sane.
Legacy: You know the legacy. I won't dare speak his name. I do everything I can to not watch that clip, but when I do, a part of me dies. I'm sure it's a similar feeling for many Cubs fans. Anger, sadness, alcoholism. All these states of mind are normal. Remember this: the Cubs have made the playoffs 5 times since 1983, averaging once every 5 years. You got to witness one of the greatest seasons in Cub history. They lost in '03, but tell me you've felt better than after Game 4 while watching sports.
2. Update: Since the blog was written 2 days before Zambrano's no-hitter, I decided to update and let you know that, if I had written it 3 days later, Z's no-hitter would definitely be number 2 and everything else would be moved down one spot. Kerry Wood's game still trumps Z's performance, but Zambrano's no-hitter was nothing short of spectacular.
1. That's Just Filthy
The Game: Cubs vs. Astros at Wrigley on May 6th, 1998.
The Moment: Kerry Wood redefines "Not Fair," "Disgusting," and "That Pitch Just Made Me Horny."
Significance: In what is often consider the best pitching performance in the history of baseball, Kerry Wood's 5th start was one that will never be forgotten. Pitch by pitch, batter by batter, Kerry Wood unleashed breaking balls that would make Babe Ruth buckle. Fastballs that would literally take off your head. Wood struck out his age. He hit triple digits and threw the nastiest curveballs ever thrown by a human being. Wood only gave up a questionable hit that deflected off 3rd basemen Kevin "This Is All I'm Known For" Orie's glove and hit a batter. He faced 29 batters and struck out 20. The Astros 3/4/5 hitters went 0 for 9 with 9 strikeouts. The game was pitched so well, it might have ruined his career. To have pitched a game like this, it may have been worth it.
Legacy: Well, the injuries. But for a 3 hour period on a rainy May day at Wrigley, the Cubs had a rookie pitcher go out and carve his name in the record books, hitter after unlucky hitter. It was a day, more than any other in the last 63 years, where fans were more than proud to call themselves "Cubs fans."
I'd show a video but Major League Baseball doesn't allow videos to be posted online sites such as YouTube.
In a season that could very well change all the misery that comes with being a Cubs fan, I hope you enjoyed my rather nostalgic look back at the history of the Cubs. Hopefully this will finally be the year so I can stop drinking. We'll see. Until next time, adios sports fans! Also, Check out this cool video over at ESPN.com about Cubs fandom. Cubs Fandom
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Sudden Death
Sports are fun and death is not. We all can agree on that assumption, can we not? So when a fun thing gets mixed with a not fun thing, it makes it all the more sad. What makes it worse is when it happens during these fun activities. Although death isn't really something to joke about, I'm going to anyway. It happens to everyone, ya know? So get over it and enjoy the 6 Wildest On-Field Sports Death. This is not a eulogy, rather a sort of honoring the dead by telling you how strange their deaths were. Ok, let's go.
6. Jack Trice
Played For: Iowa State College
The Game: October 6, 1923 game against the University of Minnesota
How He Died: Trice was an African-American defensive tackle playing in his first college game. On the second play of the game, Trice broke his collarbone but insisted on playing. Later on in the game, he was trampled by three of Minnesota players. He tried to keep playing but his coaches sent him to the hospital, where he was declared fit to travel with the team. Two days later, Trice died from hemorrhaged lungs two days later because of his injuries from the game. Later on, his doctor said "The papers say I told him he was "fit to travel," but I was really just telling him to "get out of here." I may be racist but I don't want a malpractice lawsuit. That is, if his family can even afford lawyers." In a natural bit of irony, the doctor was later sued by the school for malpractice because of racism and, after the lawsuit, turned his house into a frat house. None of that about the doctor is true. I just think racism is funny.
5. Frank Hayes
Played For: Jockey
The Game: 1923 Horse Race at Belmont Park
How He Died: Hayes has a rather dubious record: he is the only jockey to win a race after his death. You see, while riding atop Sweet Kiss at the Belmont, Hayes had a heart attack. The horse kept going and finished the race in first place, crossing the finish line with Hayes' lifeless body laying on top. The horse, knowing full well what had happened, kept going straight through the finish line and ran as fast as he could to the hospital. Although Hayes was pronounced dead at the scene, the horse did get the purse of the race and paid for his jockey's funeral, where he gave a touching eulogy that ended with a touching tribute of Sweet Kiss pissing on his grave. I'm not so sure why everyone thought it was so touching. That's gross.
4. Cristiano Junior
Played For: Dempo Sports Club (soccer) in Panaji, Goa, India.
The Game: December 5, 2004 game against Mohun Bagan Athletic Club in Bangalore, India
How He Died: Junior was the highest payed soccer player in India at the time of his death. The way he died is too tragic to be not true. Dempo was playing Mohun Bagan in the Indian Federation Cup Finals. In the goal box, Junior collided with the goalkeeper while scoring his second goal of the game with about 10 minutes left. As he attempted to stagger away he collapsed and was pronounced dead on the field. The official cause of death was cardiac arrest. His team filed a complaint of criminal negligance against the goalie, the hospital, and Federation Cup organizers. The goalie was suspended for two months because he had hit him on the play, even though the doctors found that Junior had a spinal cord and shouldn't have been playing. The doctors would later say "he didn't kill him, only his team's chances of winning."
3. Ray Chapman
Played For: Shortstop for the Cleveland Indians
The Game: August 16, 1920 against the Yankees at the Polo Grounds.
How He Died: Chapman is the only Major League Baseball player to ever die on the field. The game was in the mid-afternoon, with the twilight setting in. Chapman never saw the pitch from Carl Mays and was nailed in the head. Keep in mind that there were no batting helmets being used. In a sort-of-funny, sort-of-not type thing, the sound of the ball off of Chapman's skull was so loud that Mays fielded the ball and threw it to first. The first base ump didn't signal out, rather he told Mays "the pitch hit his skull, you dick." Chapman's death brought on the use of batting helmets (thirty years later, that is) and the outlawing of the spitball, as pitchers dirtied up the ball as much as they could to get an advantage. The shortstop who replaced Chapman in the game, rookie Joe Sewell, often cited this pitch as his favorite pitch ever, as it started up his Hall of Fame career.
2. Frank Levick
Played For: Sheffield United (soccer) in Northern England
The Game: A 1908 Football League First Division game in Sheffield.
How He Died: Levick is on this list not because he died on pitch, rather the way he died on the pitch. It might be the most painful death in the history of mankind. I'd rather get body cancer. Levick was a defender and was attempting to block a shot. He was successful. However, it hit him in the lower extremities, causing his testicles to become lodged in his stomach. This caused internal bleeding which, at this point, brought the merciful cardiac arrest. In a real kick in the balls, his team finished 17th out of 20th that season. The team, however, did compensate his family by paying them 20 pounds. Which if you had in England now, you could buy two pints of Guinness and a McChicken. Next time you get even nicked in the balls and keel over in pain, remember Levick and, unless your balls aren't there anymore, take it like a man.
1. Most of Football Club Dynamo Kyev
Played For: Professional teams in the Soviet Union, but mostly Dynamo Kyev players who were Soviet POWs
The Game: Known as "The Death Match," the POWs played a non-official game against members of the Nazi Germany Wehrmacht (basically the name for their army, navy, and air force). The game was held August 9, 1942 in St. Petersburg, USSR.
How They Died: On any other list, Frank Levick would be numero uno. Not Here. In 1941, the Soviet Union was involved in intense fighting with Nazi Germany. Ukraine was badly ravaged and all sporting events were canceled. One former member of FC Dynamo Kyev decided to get a team together and tracked down 11 players, all from Kiev clubs, to start FC Start. FC Start played a numerous amount of armed forces teams from various countries, including Romania, Hungary, and Germany. The Nazi's didn't like this, as the team was increasing Ukrainian morale. They staged a match in St. Petersburg, pitting FC Start against a German Air Force team. The referee for the match was a German S.S. officer, presumably named "Heir Donaghy". The FC Start players were warned that punishment might be in order if they didn't throw the match. Before the match, the team refused to give the Nazi salute, which probably went over as well as being a Jew. Despite getting absolutely tormented without any foul calls, the team was still up 3-1 at half time. The German team wasn't even playing the ball, just hurting the players, even kicking the goalie in the head to score a goal. Each team scored twice in the second half. At the very end, a FC Start player beat the entire German defense and could have tapped in another, but decided to kick it towards the middle of the field and give the Nazi salute with only his middle finger (I wish). A little while after the game, many of the players were arrested, tortured, sent to concentration camps and killed. That, my friends, is why they call it THE Ukraine.
I hope I didn't depress you too much. On the contrary. That last story alone should inspire hope and bravery. Not every game is played for a trophy. Like, for example, 2008 Chicago Bears games. Those are being played for a draft pick. Humans aren't the only things that die though. There are millions of different types of animals that have died throughout history. Some, coincidently, have been killed by humans. So I will sign off with a video tribute to an animal that, like the people in this blog, were killed during a sporting match. Until next time, до свидания, леди и господа.
6. Jack Trice
Played For: Iowa State College
The Game: October 6, 1923 game against the University of Minnesota
How He Died: Trice was an African-American defensive tackle playing in his first college game. On the second play of the game, Trice broke his collarbone but insisted on playing. Later on in the game, he was trampled by three of Minnesota players. He tried to keep playing but his coaches sent him to the hospital, where he was declared fit to travel with the team. Two days later, Trice died from hemorrhaged lungs two days later because of his injuries from the game. Later on, his doctor said "The papers say I told him he was "fit to travel," but I was really just telling him to "get out of here." I may be racist but I don't want a malpractice lawsuit. That is, if his family can even afford lawyers." In a natural bit of irony, the doctor was later sued by the school for malpractice because of racism and, after the lawsuit, turned his house into a frat house. None of that about the doctor is true. I just think racism is funny.
5. Frank Hayes
Played For: Jockey
The Game: 1923 Horse Race at Belmont Park
How He Died: Hayes has a rather dubious record: he is the only jockey to win a race after his death. You see, while riding atop Sweet Kiss at the Belmont, Hayes had a heart attack. The horse kept going and finished the race in first place, crossing the finish line with Hayes' lifeless body laying on top. The horse, knowing full well what had happened, kept going straight through the finish line and ran as fast as he could to the hospital. Although Hayes was pronounced dead at the scene, the horse did get the purse of the race and paid for his jockey's funeral, where he gave a touching eulogy that ended with a touching tribute of Sweet Kiss pissing on his grave. I'm not so sure why everyone thought it was so touching. That's gross.
4. Cristiano Junior
Played For: Dempo Sports Club (soccer) in Panaji, Goa, India.
The Game: December 5, 2004 game against Mohun Bagan Athletic Club in Bangalore, India
How He Died: Junior was the highest payed soccer player in India at the time of his death. The way he died is too tragic to be not true. Dempo was playing Mohun Bagan in the Indian Federation Cup Finals. In the goal box, Junior collided with the goalkeeper while scoring his second goal of the game with about 10 minutes left. As he attempted to stagger away he collapsed and was pronounced dead on the field. The official cause of death was cardiac arrest. His team filed a complaint of criminal negligance against the goalie, the hospital, and Federation Cup organizers. The goalie was suspended for two months because he had hit him on the play, even though the doctors found that Junior had a spinal cord and shouldn't have been playing. The doctors would later say "he didn't kill him, only his team's chances of winning."
3. Ray Chapman
Played For: Shortstop for the Cleveland Indians
The Game: August 16, 1920 against the Yankees at the Polo Grounds.
How He Died: Chapman is the only Major League Baseball player to ever die on the field. The game was in the mid-afternoon, with the twilight setting in. Chapman never saw the pitch from Carl Mays and was nailed in the head. Keep in mind that there were no batting helmets being used. In a sort-of-funny, sort-of-not type thing, the sound of the ball off of Chapman's skull was so loud that Mays fielded the ball and threw it to first. The first base ump didn't signal out, rather he told Mays "the pitch hit his skull, you dick." Chapman's death brought on the use of batting helmets (thirty years later, that is) and the outlawing of the spitball, as pitchers dirtied up the ball as much as they could to get an advantage. The shortstop who replaced Chapman in the game, rookie Joe Sewell, often cited this pitch as his favorite pitch ever, as it started up his Hall of Fame career.
2. Frank Levick
Played For: Sheffield United (soccer) in Northern England
The Game: A 1908 Football League First Division game in Sheffield.
How He Died: Levick is on this list not because he died on pitch, rather the way he died on the pitch. It might be the most painful death in the history of mankind. I'd rather get body cancer. Levick was a defender and was attempting to block a shot. He was successful. However, it hit him in the lower extremities, causing his testicles to become lodged in his stomach. This caused internal bleeding which, at this point, brought the merciful cardiac arrest. In a real kick in the balls, his team finished 17th out of 20th that season. The team, however, did compensate his family by paying them 20 pounds. Which if you had in England now, you could buy two pints of Guinness and a McChicken. Next time you get even nicked in the balls and keel over in pain, remember Levick and, unless your balls aren't there anymore, take it like a man.
1. Most of Football Club Dynamo Kyev
Played For: Professional teams in the Soviet Union, but mostly Dynamo Kyev players who were Soviet POWs
The Game: Known as "The Death Match," the POWs played a non-official game against members of the Nazi Germany Wehrmacht (basically the name for their army, navy, and air force). The game was held August 9, 1942 in St. Petersburg, USSR.
How They Died: On any other list, Frank Levick would be numero uno. Not Here. In 1941, the Soviet Union was involved in intense fighting with Nazi Germany. Ukraine was badly ravaged and all sporting events were canceled. One former member of FC Dynamo Kyev decided to get a team together and tracked down 11 players, all from Kiev clubs, to start FC Start. FC Start played a numerous amount of armed forces teams from various countries, including Romania, Hungary, and Germany. The Nazi's didn't like this, as the team was increasing Ukrainian morale. They staged a match in St. Petersburg, pitting FC Start against a German Air Force team. The referee for the match was a German S.S. officer, presumably named "Heir Donaghy". The FC Start players were warned that punishment might be in order if they didn't throw the match. Before the match, the team refused to give the Nazi salute, which probably went over as well as being a Jew. Despite getting absolutely tormented without any foul calls, the team was still up 3-1 at half time. The German team wasn't even playing the ball, just hurting the players, even kicking the goalie in the head to score a goal. Each team scored twice in the second half. At the very end, a FC Start player beat the entire German defense and could have tapped in another, but decided to kick it towards the middle of the field and give the Nazi salute with only his middle finger (I wish). A little while after the game, many of the players were arrested, tortured, sent to concentration camps and killed. That, my friends, is why they call it THE Ukraine.
I hope I didn't depress you too much. On the contrary. That last story alone should inspire hope and bravery. Not every game is played for a trophy. Like, for example, 2008 Chicago Bears games. Those are being played for a draft pick. Humans aren't the only things that die though. There are millions of different types of animals that have died throughout history. Some, coincidently, have been killed by humans. So I will sign off with a video tribute to an animal that, like the people in this blog, were killed during a sporting match. Until next time, до свидания, леди и господа.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Extreme Bond-age
Bond kicks ass and gets ass, occasionally at the same time. We all know that. Even back in the day of conservative movie titles, characters, and plots, Bond certainly got away with quite a bit. Racism, sexism, and awesomeism is all a big part of the Bond universe. They didn't skip on the names of the characters either. Especially the names of the women. Let's examine these sexually explicit names because, well, sex jokes are funny. Here are the 6 Most Sexually Explicit Bond Girl Names.
6. Kissy Suzuki
Featured In: You Only Live Twice, portrayed by Mie Hama. (That's gotta be Japanese for "Mia Hamm")
Occupation: British Secret Agent
Sexual Overtones: Why didn't they just name her smoochers? Or smacker? What's funny about this character is that she is the only known character to marry Bond, except in the little known Bond film From Vegas with Rum. In the book, Kissy actually gets pregnant, marking the only known (to us) child of James Bond. Who names their kid Kissy? I don't knwon if that's like a common thing, or whatever, in Japan but it's not good. I mean, why didn't they just name her Slutty Motorbike? She's also a secret agent, which has to mean nothing about her is a secret to any agent. Yikes.
5. Honey Rider
Featured In: Dr. No, portrayed by Ursula Andrews, voiced by Nikki van der Zyl because Andrews had an annoying Swiss accent, since everybody paid attention to her voice.
Occupation: Honey is a, uh, shell diver. What kind of shells does she dive for? The muffled ones? Does she dive for muffled shells? Hmmm...(Yes, that was a sex joke.)
Sexual Overtones: Ever called your significant other Honey? Yeah, I thought so. What does your Honey ride? Exactly. She helps Bond escape and then they have sex on a tow boat. Which is mildly kinky. Honey has the most famous Bond girl scene in which she comes out of the ocean in a scantily clad bikini, immediately solidifying Bond movies as a staple of American culture. Even though, you know, Bond is a British agent making love to a Swiss woman in Jamaica. Yeah, alright, that's pretty cool.
4. Xenia Onatopp
Featured In: Goldeneye, portrayed by Famke Jaansen
Occupation: In the Soviet Military, the only country to throw a woman as hot as this into the military.
Sexual Overtones: Onatopp of what, you might ask. Well, she's on the top of men. Lots of them. She seduces men with her hotness the climbs on top of them and then strangles them with her legs. (You have to see it to even consider that being a bad thing.) She gets sexual satisfaction from doing this, which is hot in a "I'm really horny and I don't really care if I die" kind of way. In a type of irony that makes one think "wow, that death really is just to set up a one-liner," she gets squeezed to death against a tree when Bond remarks "She always did enjoy a good squeeze." Filmmaking at it's....lazie....finest.
3. Plenty O'Toole
Featured In: Diamonds Are Forever, portrayed by Lana Wood.
Occupation: Girl that really wants to have sex with James Bond.
Sexual Overtones: Well, I think the jist (no, i didn't misspell that last word) of it is that this woman can handle plenty of tool (penis, for those who are still in 4th grade). She wears a dress that exposes 78% of her chest, undresses approximately 5.6 seconds after getting into Bond's room, and seems to only latch onto Bond because he's a good gambler. Verdict: slutbag. Besides that, she meets an unfortunate death before she gets some of the ole JB. Following suit with her character, Lana Wood has been married 5 times, making one wonder: is it her name? (It kind of sounds like "wanna wood?" No it doesn't? Yeah, that's a bigger stretch than Stretch Armstrong. And his arms stretch out to next week!)
2. Holly Goodhead
Featured In: Moonraker, portrayed by Lois Chiles
Occupation: Scientist and Astronaut working undercover for the CIA, in what must be "#1 Job Description that Gets You Laid."
Sexual Overtones: Goodhead is actually the smartest Bond girl to date but....that name. Her and Bond go through adventures on Earth and in space, marking the only time that Bond has had sex while not in the Earths atmosphere. (Bond would get wasted if you ever played "I Never" with him) Goodhead aside (ha), her and Bond totally kick the bad guys ass and destroy his plan of raking the moon (presumably). It is debatable though as to whether or not Ms. Goodhead lives up to her name or whether her name simply means she has a good head, meaning she is smart. In an interview the scriptwriter Christopher Wood responded by saying "What, are you fucking moronical? It's a euphemism for oral sex you dumbass! Now when do I get my Vicodin?"
1. Pussy Galore
Featured In: Goldfinger, portrayed by Honor Blackman. (That's seriously her name. Like, she honors blackman (or men). I'd rather be named Pussy Galore than Honor Blackmen, which means I'd rather be a slut than racially tolerant.)
Occupation: Spy for Goldfinger, organized crime boss.
Sexual Overtones: How did they even get away with this one? They are telling she is all pussy. Bond is so good though, that he seduces her over to his side, as she turns on Goldfinger. That's funny though, since Pussy Galore is a lesbian. Well, you know what they say: once you go Bond, you need Penicillin. That actually has nothing to do with sexual orientation but whatever. Pussy was the oldest Bond girl but that didn't mean she refused to get down with the ol' JB. They never mention her sexual orientation, as it was too riske for a culture that was busy having a shitload of unprotected sex, doing massive amounts of drugs, and the taking of power by Velasco Alvardo in Peru. Despite her amazingly sexual name, her initials matched the films rating: P.G.
Ah, the sexual enterprise that is the James Bond franchise. Perhaps there will be a new addition to this list when the new Bond comes out in November, ehh? Well, I would say I hoped you enjoyed it but I know you did. Because it's really good. Like as good as the Cubs. Who are fucking amazing. Anyways, there is no substitute for a good sex symbol. Especially on this blog. I know you can just feel the sexiness radiating from the blog. Anyways, I'll be back soon with more words of wisdom that will surely enlighten and strengthen your life. Until then, Ciao Erotico!
6. Kissy Suzuki
Featured In: You Only Live Twice, portrayed by Mie Hama. (That's gotta be Japanese for "Mia Hamm")
Occupation: British Secret Agent
Sexual Overtones: Why didn't they just name her smoochers? Or smacker? What's funny about this character is that she is the only known character to marry Bond, except in the little known Bond film From Vegas with Rum. In the book, Kissy actually gets pregnant, marking the only known (to us) child of James Bond. Who names their kid Kissy? I don't knwon if that's like a common thing, or whatever, in Japan but it's not good. I mean, why didn't they just name her Slutty Motorbike? She's also a secret agent, which has to mean nothing about her is a secret to any agent. Yikes.
5. Honey Rider
Featured In: Dr. No, portrayed by Ursula Andrews, voiced by Nikki van der Zyl because Andrews had an annoying Swiss accent, since everybody paid attention to her voice.
Occupation: Honey is a, uh, shell diver. What kind of shells does she dive for? The muffled ones? Does she dive for muffled shells? Hmmm...(Yes, that was a sex joke.)
Sexual Overtones: Ever called your significant other Honey? Yeah, I thought so. What does your Honey ride? Exactly. She helps Bond escape and then they have sex on a tow boat. Which is mildly kinky. Honey has the most famous Bond girl scene in which she comes out of the ocean in a scantily clad bikini, immediately solidifying Bond movies as a staple of American culture. Even though, you know, Bond is a British agent making love to a Swiss woman in Jamaica. Yeah, alright, that's pretty cool.
4. Xenia Onatopp
Featured In: Goldeneye, portrayed by Famke Jaansen
Occupation: In the Soviet Military, the only country to throw a woman as hot as this into the military.
Sexual Overtones: Onatopp of what, you might ask. Well, she's on the top of men. Lots of them. She seduces men with her hotness the climbs on top of them and then strangles them with her legs. (You have to see it to even consider that being a bad thing.) She gets sexual satisfaction from doing this, which is hot in a "I'm really horny and I don't really care if I die" kind of way. In a type of irony that makes one think "wow, that death really is just to set up a one-liner," she gets squeezed to death against a tree when Bond remarks "She always did enjoy a good squeeze." Filmmaking at it's....lazie....finest.
3. Plenty O'Toole
Featured In: Diamonds Are Forever, portrayed by Lana Wood.
Occupation: Girl that really wants to have sex with James Bond.
Sexual Overtones: Well, I think the jist (no, i didn't misspell that last word) of it is that this woman can handle plenty of tool (penis, for those who are still in 4th grade). She wears a dress that exposes 78% of her chest, undresses approximately 5.6 seconds after getting into Bond's room, and seems to only latch onto Bond because he's a good gambler. Verdict: slutbag. Besides that, she meets an unfortunate death before she gets some of the ole JB. Following suit with her character, Lana Wood has been married 5 times, making one wonder: is it her name? (It kind of sounds like "wanna wood?" No it doesn't? Yeah, that's a bigger stretch than Stretch Armstrong. And his arms stretch out to next week!)
2. Holly Goodhead
Featured In: Moonraker, portrayed by Lois Chiles
Occupation: Scientist and Astronaut working undercover for the CIA, in what must be "#1 Job Description that Gets You Laid."
Sexual Overtones: Goodhead is actually the smartest Bond girl to date but....that name. Her and Bond go through adventures on Earth and in space, marking the only time that Bond has had sex while not in the Earths atmosphere. (Bond would get wasted if you ever played "I Never" with him) Goodhead aside (ha), her and Bond totally kick the bad guys ass and destroy his plan of raking the moon (presumably). It is debatable though as to whether or not Ms. Goodhead lives up to her name or whether her name simply means she has a good head, meaning she is smart. In an interview the scriptwriter Christopher Wood responded by saying "What, are you fucking moronical? It's a euphemism for oral sex you dumbass! Now when do I get my Vicodin?"
1. Pussy Galore
Featured In: Goldfinger, portrayed by Honor Blackman. (That's seriously her name. Like, she honors blackman (or men). I'd rather be named Pussy Galore than Honor Blackmen, which means I'd rather be a slut than racially tolerant.)
Occupation: Spy for Goldfinger, organized crime boss.
Sexual Overtones: How did they even get away with this one? They are telling she is all pussy. Bond is so good though, that he seduces her over to his side, as she turns on Goldfinger. That's funny though, since Pussy Galore is a lesbian. Well, you know what they say: once you go Bond, you need Penicillin. That actually has nothing to do with sexual orientation but whatever. Pussy was the oldest Bond girl but that didn't mean she refused to get down with the ol' JB. They never mention her sexual orientation, as it was too riske for a culture that was busy having a shitload of unprotected sex, doing massive amounts of drugs, and the taking of power by Velasco Alvardo in Peru. Despite her amazingly sexual name, her initials matched the films rating: P.G.
Ah, the sexual enterprise that is the James Bond franchise. Perhaps there will be a new addition to this list when the new Bond comes out in November, ehh? Well, I would say I hoped you enjoyed it but I know you did. Because it's really good. Like as good as the Cubs. Who are fucking amazing. Anyways, there is no substitute for a good sex symbol. Especially on this blog. I know you can just feel the sexiness radiating from the blog. Anyways, I'll be back soon with more words of wisdom that will surely enlighten and strengthen your life. Until then, Ciao Erotico!
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