To conclude my 3 part series on the gloriousness of alcohol, I'm going to take you into dangerous territory. This blog will not be for the faint of heart. This blog will take you on the path of a fully functional alcoholic's day. From what I hear, (ehem) there are 6 Stages of a Daily Alcoholic. I don't recommend trying this, even for one day, as it may cause vomiting, memory loss, firing, explosive diarrhea, loss of respect from friends, family, and peers, and, finally, respect from me if you can do it without blacking out before stage 6. Remember, this is with a 2 meal diet because all that liquid will probably take up a lot of room.
Stage #1: Eye-Opener
Drink: If you're a coffee person, then a coffee with whiskey, Bailey's, both, or whatever you think could work. If you aren't a coffee person (chances are you aren't an alcohol. Good for you!), a bloody mary or a screwdriver would suffice. Get all your vitamins with your alcohol!
Benefits of Stage #1: The morning is a bad time for people that have to get up and go to work. Nobody likes to work, unless you're a house-sitter in Beverly Hills. So a little alcohol could help ease the pain of getting ready and going to your slave trade.
Detriments of Stage #1: People tend to frown upon morning drinking. If you get pulled over smelling like booze at 8:30AM, you a) need to get some gum and cologne, b) are an idiot, or c)need to flirt with the cop. Other than that, Stage #1 is the most important stage in the dangerous game of alcoholism. Yes, it is a game, and you can win.
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: Masturbating to a Miley Cyrus music video
Stage #2: The Morning Grind
Drink: Vodka looks like water. Buy a water bottle, throw it out, and fill it up with vodka. Ta Da! You are now drunk at work without anyone knowing.
Benefits of Stage #2: Obviously work is hard enough to get through without alcohol. That vodka will make the day seem like a cakewalk. If you're shy at work, it's perfect because you'll seem like the fun-loving employee. However, if you do this, you need to keep it up or have a good excuse (i.e. you're depressed, your mom died, you got AIDS). Work will seem fun! Trust me, everything is better when you're drunk. Except getting hit on by a transvestite. That's worse.
Detriments of Stage #2: Besides the obvious "you'll get fired if you get caught" dilemma, Stage #2 does have a number of potential problems. If you get too drunk at work, people might suspect you have a problem or you are fucking crazy. Also, if the quality of your work deteriorates, people will start getting pissed at you and start to wonder "since when did they put crack in Aquafina?" Make sure you kind of take a little precaution so you don't end up living like Chris Farley in "Billy Madison."
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: Getting a boner while watching "Oprah"
Stage #3: Lunchtime!
Drink: If you have time to go to a restaurant, the following are socially acceptable for lunch: wine, beer, champagne, and margaritas if you're at a Mexican restaurant. Acceptable side dish: drunken booty call at noon. If, however, you can't go out for lunch, then I have one word for you: thermos. Nobody questions the thermos. Pour your fav into the thermos, and you'll be more sauced than a Crunchwrap Supreme.
Benefits of Step #3: By lunch, you may be losing your buzz. If you don't continue drinking, you'll get tired and maybe even a little hungover. Point: drinking at lunch keeps your buzz going so you can continue to work hard. Many, many people would disagree with that statement. I say: I really liked Season 1 of Tila Tequila's show but Season 2 seems so contrived and not up to standard. Oh, and fuck many, many people.
Detriments of Step#3: If you go out, someone might see you drinking and be on to you. Or someone in the workplace might smell the alcohol from the thermos. Solutions to either problem: deny, deny, deny. Oh, and deny.
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: A little less pathetic than sniffing glue in your mother's basement at age 26.
Stage #4: Happy Hour!
Drink: Any sort of cocktail. Happy Hour is not for beer.
Benefits of Stage #4: Well, you're done with work. You want to celebrate being done with work, even though it was more like an all-day work party. Now you can slowly begin your descent into what I like to call "blackoutville." Invite some co-workers out, maybe a few that you know well enough, so that the ones that you don't really know that really won't figure out that its the alcohol fueling your personality. Invite a few friends that you don't work with as well, and maybe your girlfriend if she's still talking to you at this point in your life.
Detriments of Stage #4: Since you're already drunker than any of the Baldwin brothers besides Alec, there is a danger that you won't be able to go on after Stage #4. See people will be wondering why you're sort of nursing your drink. My answer: you are a pussy. Dinner is coming up anyway, so you'll sober up. Order a few rounds for everybody to distract attention away from yourself. Also, make sure you don't go to a bar that you frequently attend. Anywhere that a bartender knows you're name will have you called into your bosses office the next day to discuss how much time you'll need to spend in A.A. to keep your job. Side note: don't make a scene. Yet.
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: Not very high, about on par with leaving your kid at home to score some dope.
Stage #5: Din Din
Drink: Beer. Only beer. This. Is. Not. A. Choice.
Benefits of Stage #5: After Happy Hour, you will be hammered, presuming you've followed the steps diligently. If you're gonna stay at the pub and have dinner or go out, make sure you get something that has potatoes or something hearty to absorb the alcohol a little. You're gonna need for later. Of course, you don't want to lose your buzz completely. Grab a pint of beer to wash down that steak and baked potato to keep a little buzz. Then, you'll feel a lot less drunk and ready to go for the most important step yet.
Detriments of Stage #6: Ever ate something after a long night of drinking and had it make you sick? Well, that has a very good chance of happening here. So don't order anything too greasy or high in fat. Plus, that with the beer might put you over the edge to a point where the only stop you'll be making on the way home to pass out will be at the garbage dumpster in the alley behind the bar while you're vomiting. Ahhhh, memories.
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: On par with Screech from "Saved By the Bell" making a sex tape.
Stage #6: Painting the Town ____
Drink: Beer, shots, whatever the fuck you want.
Benefits of Stage #6: Here's the stage where anything goes. There are no rules. Before you know it, you'll be toasting shots to people you've never meet before, hitting on girls way out of your league, and start to define the word "belligerent." Stage 6 has no rules, because during the time period that Stage #6 falls under, no one's going to judge you too hard for letting loose a little. In fact, many people will be Stage 6'n at the same time. Although they may not have been drinking all day, they are drinking heavily now. So follow suit. It's time to treat your liver like Mike Tyson treats women. Or like China treats a couple's third child.
Detriments of Stage #6: Death, alcohol poisoning, vomiting, hangovers, unprotected sex with "uggos," STDs, defecating in your pants, pissing yourself, waking up somewhere you don't recognize, "beer shits," banishment from certain establishments, jail time, bruises from fighting, "unable to perform," liver damage, loss of respect, tremors, and regret.
But really, what could go wrong?
Rank on the Pathetic Scale: Tackling Tiger Woods on the 18th hole at the Master's while he's putting for the win, just so you can get on TV.
Drunk, of course.
WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT
(Unless you're an alcoholic, looking for a drinking challenge, going on a bender, or just broke up with you're long-term girlfriend)
I hope you can learn some life lessons from this blog. Like, for instance, that being an alcoholic takes hard work and dedication. But enough about drinking, I've had enough for now. I'll have to switch it up soon enough. Since I've just graduated college and have no job prospects whatsoever, I'm sure you'll get your fair share of blogging out of me. Can you believe it? 3 blogs in a row that had nothing to do with music, movies, or any sort of electric entertainment. Drinking is good, but it needs a break. At least from this blog. Here is a video proving that if alcohol never had been invented, YouTube would just be a bunch of music videos.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
BeerFest
In Part 2 in my 3 part series of "Why Drinking is Awesome" series, I'll be taking a look at the 7 Best Beer Festivals from Around the World. See, Beer's good. You drink beer, I drink beer, hell, if you don't drink beer, you're not reading this blog. Everyone loves beer, it's like chocolate or sex. Or chocolate during sex. Mmmm....Ehem...Anyways, people like drinking different kinds of beer in large crowds acting all drunk like and pretending their petty problems will go away at the sip of a glass. Fuck it, there's no harm in trying.
7. Mondial de la Biere
Location and Date: Montreal, Canada during the end of May to early June
Beers Offered: Beers from 11 U.S. states, all over Canada, France, Italy, and Belgium. All in all, over 500 different types of beer.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Along with its excellent selection, the prices are relatively cheap. Most beers range from about $3-$5 and are presumably alcoholic. The festival has world renowned DJs and other musical acts. Dance Music + Drunk People = ______. I'm sure you can fill in the blank. This Canadian festival, which has moved Canada up to #2 on North American countries I might consider visiting, also has Cheese workshops, so you can learn how to clog your arteries quicker and more effectively. They have cooking with beer, imported beer, domestic beer, sake (the Jap drink) workshops as well. Remember how we were talking about chocolate earlier? They also have a chocolate and beer workshop which, if I remember correctly, will take place in my hotel room.
Stupid Drunks:
6. Great World Beer Festival
Location and Date: Occurs in New York City the last weekend in October.
Beers Offered: Beers from most major brewing companies, including some beers from Japan, Belgium, Germany and France. A little over 100 beers.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Besides being the only beer festival on this list from the good ole U.S.A., samples are unlimited. Although it is a bit pricey to get in at $60 and it's only 4 hours long per session, any efficient college student or alum knows that 4 hours is plenty of time to drink a bathtub full of beer. They say they'll kick you out if you get too drunk but I wouldn't worry about that. New Yorkers are usually pretty understanding. Just let them know you are a paying customer, you want more beer, and that you aren't a douchebag since you don't live in New York.
Stupid Drunks:
5. Farnham Beer Exhibition
Location and Date: Farnham, United Kingdom held annually around the last few weeks of April
Beers Offered: Traditional beers in the Farnham area, especially those from Hogs Back Brewery and Crondall Brewery.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Tradition. It's the oldest annual beer festival in England, which means nothing to me, but might to some. The pint glasses they hand out for you to sample with are collectibles and the older ones are worth some coin. Also, it's for a good cause. Most of the money raised goes to local charities. It's not for the rowdy crowd, but if you want to enjoy some traditional beer and take it easy, this is the place for you. Not for me though, I would never go to England.
Stupid Drunks:
4. Great British Beer Festival
Location and Date: West London, England during the first full week in August
Beers Offered: Over 450 Beers, with 250 coming from Britain and the rest coming from USA, Belgium, Germany, and Ireland, the only countries that know how to make beer not taste like dog piss.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Well, besides the obvious reasons of getting drunk off a ton of different beer, the GBBF has been known to attract high profile musical performances such as David Bowie, Muse, Radiohead, RHCP, Pink Floyd, Zepplin, Oasis, U2, and The Who. If you don't like any of those bands, stop reading my blog you communist fuck. Beer and music are like penis and vagina: they were just meant to go together.
Stupid Drunks:
3. Kitchner-Waterloo Oktoberfest
Location and Date: Kitchner-Waterloo, Ontario, Canada throughout 9 days at some point in October
Beers Offered: Many Canadian and German beers, as Kitchner was formerly named Munich.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Well, if nothing else, it's an excuse for a 9 day vacation/bender. Canada and Germany consistently provide us with quality beer, so you won't be cheated. They have a parade, games for children, a "University Night," musical performances, and (perhaps the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever) an entire night dedicated to Canadian hip-hop. "I said "eh?" what's that aboot?, I just went to the beer parlour and ordered a stout." I'd pay just for that. The only drawback: you'll be in Canada.
Stupid Drunks: Notice the spot mid-way through that would get you shot in Texas:
2. Gaubodenvolksfest
Location and Date: Straubing, Germany during a 10 day period some time in August.
Beers Offered: Only beer from the Straubing and Straubing-Bogen districts are allowed to be served.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Over 1.2 million people attend this fest every year, and many Germans come in their folk costumes. The festival has 120 carousels (uhh...why?), roller coasters, and, most importantly, seven beer tents that can seat 24,000 people either. They have sporting events, parades, fireworks, romantic parades for couples, shows, music, sex orgies, and beer tents. Basically, if you don't think you really want to go to this, you don't have a soul. You can go whitewater riding or horseback riding or ride the MOTHERFUCKING bumper cars, which might possibly be the only way you can legally drink and drive. Plus, if there's 1.2 million people there and there is a large amount of drinking, there has to be a chance for pussy for even the ugliest fat, sausage eating German.
Stupid Drunks:
1. Oktoberfest
Date and Location: Held in Munich, Germany for 16 days in October
Beers Offered: Served by the Big 6 German breweries: Lowenbrau, Spaten, Augustiner, Hofbrau, Paulaner, and Hacker-Pshcorr.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Over 5 million people attend Oktoberfest every year, 15% of those being foreigners. Over 6 million jugs of beer are sold, and one million pounds of meat are consumed. There are 14 beer tents with seating and a feature numerous drunken morons, hopefully one of them being me in the future. Although the beer is very expensive, there are millions of people there with you, dressed in ridicuous clothing, eating hearty meat, and getting rowdy. There are rides, music, and beer. If you don't know about Oktoberfest already, shame on you. Go book your flight.
Stupid Drunks: Also at Oktoberfest, you can see hot German women kissing each other. With beer in their hands. Is it....is it heaven?
I hope you're enjoying my series on drinking. I'll give you one more post sometime this week to rap up my 3 part series. Unfortunately, I have never attended events such as these. That will have to change in the near future. I'll try and switch it up for the next blog and try and focus on liquor, since these last two have been about beer. Until then, drink up ladies, it's going to be a long, hard ride for most of you! Guten Tag Herr!
7. Mondial de la Biere
Location and Date: Montreal, Canada during the end of May to early June
Beers Offered: Beers from 11 U.S. states, all over Canada, France, Italy, and Belgium. All in all, over 500 different types of beer.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Along with its excellent selection, the prices are relatively cheap. Most beers range from about $3-$5 and are presumably alcoholic. The festival has world renowned DJs and other musical acts. Dance Music + Drunk People = ______. I'm sure you can fill in the blank. This Canadian festival, which has moved Canada up to #2 on North American countries I might consider visiting, also has Cheese workshops, so you can learn how to clog your arteries quicker and more effectively. They have cooking with beer, imported beer, domestic beer, sake (the Jap drink) workshops as well. Remember how we were talking about chocolate earlier? They also have a chocolate and beer workshop which, if I remember correctly, will take place in my hotel room.
Stupid Drunks:
6. Great World Beer Festival
Location and Date: Occurs in New York City the last weekend in October.
Beers Offered: Beers from most major brewing companies, including some beers from Japan, Belgium, Germany and France. A little over 100 beers.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Besides being the only beer festival on this list from the good ole U.S.A., samples are unlimited. Although it is a bit pricey to get in at $60 and it's only 4 hours long per session, any efficient college student or alum knows that 4 hours is plenty of time to drink a bathtub full of beer. They say they'll kick you out if you get too drunk but I wouldn't worry about that. New Yorkers are usually pretty understanding. Just let them know you are a paying customer, you want more beer, and that you aren't a douchebag since you don't live in New York.
Stupid Drunks:
5. Farnham Beer Exhibition
Location and Date: Farnham, United Kingdom held annually around the last few weeks of April
Beers Offered: Traditional beers in the Farnham area, especially those from Hogs Back Brewery and Crondall Brewery.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Tradition. It's the oldest annual beer festival in England, which means nothing to me, but might to some. The pint glasses they hand out for you to sample with are collectibles and the older ones are worth some coin. Also, it's for a good cause. Most of the money raised goes to local charities. It's not for the rowdy crowd, but if you want to enjoy some traditional beer and take it easy, this is the place for you. Not for me though, I would never go to England.
Stupid Drunks:
4. Great British Beer Festival
Location and Date: West London, England during the first full week in August
Beers Offered: Over 450 Beers, with 250 coming from Britain and the rest coming from USA, Belgium, Germany, and Ireland, the only countries that know how to make beer not taste like dog piss.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Well, besides the obvious reasons of getting drunk off a ton of different beer, the GBBF has been known to attract high profile musical performances such as David Bowie, Muse, Radiohead, RHCP, Pink Floyd, Zepplin, Oasis, U2, and The Who. If you don't like any of those bands, stop reading my blog you communist fuck. Beer and music are like penis and vagina: they were just meant to go together.
Stupid Drunks:
3. Kitchner-Waterloo Oktoberfest
Location and Date: Kitchner-Waterloo, Ontario, Canada throughout 9 days at some point in October
Beers Offered: Many Canadian and German beers, as Kitchner was formerly named Munich.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Well, if nothing else, it's an excuse for a 9 day vacation/bender. Canada and Germany consistently provide us with quality beer, so you won't be cheated. They have a parade, games for children, a "University Night," musical performances, and (perhaps the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever) an entire night dedicated to Canadian hip-hop. "I said "eh?" what's that aboot?, I just went to the beer parlour and ordered a stout." I'd pay just for that. The only drawback: you'll be in Canada.
Stupid Drunks: Notice the spot mid-way through that would get you shot in Texas:
2. Gaubodenvolksfest
Location and Date: Straubing, Germany during a 10 day period some time in August.
Beers Offered: Only beer from the Straubing and Straubing-Bogen districts are allowed to be served.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Over 1.2 million people attend this fest every year, and many Germans come in their folk costumes. The festival has 120 carousels (uhh...why?), roller coasters, and, most importantly, seven beer tents that can seat 24,000 people either. They have sporting events, parades, fireworks, romantic parades for couples, shows, music, sex orgies, and beer tents. Basically, if you don't think you really want to go to this, you don't have a soul. You can go whitewater riding or horseback riding or ride the MOTHERFUCKING bumper cars, which might possibly be the only way you can legally drink and drive. Plus, if there's 1.2 million people there and there is a large amount of drinking, there has to be a chance for pussy for even the ugliest fat, sausage eating German.
Stupid Drunks:
1. Oktoberfest
Date and Location: Held in Munich, Germany for 16 days in October
Beers Offered: Served by the Big 6 German breweries: Lowenbrau, Spaten, Augustiner, Hofbrau, Paulaner, and Hacker-Pshcorr.
But Mike, Why Should I Go there to Binge Drink? Over 5 million people attend Oktoberfest every year, 15% of those being foreigners. Over 6 million jugs of beer are sold, and one million pounds of meat are consumed. There are 14 beer tents with seating and a feature numerous drunken morons, hopefully one of them being me in the future. Although the beer is very expensive, there are millions of people there with you, dressed in ridicuous clothing, eating hearty meat, and getting rowdy. There are rides, music, and beer. If you don't know about Oktoberfest already, shame on you. Go book your flight.
Stupid Drunks: Also at Oktoberfest, you can see hot German women kissing each other. With beer in their hands. Is it....is it heaven?
I hope you're enjoying my series on drinking. I'll give you one more post sometime this week to rap up my 3 part series. Unfortunately, I have never attended events such as these. That will have to change in the near future. I'll try and switch it up for the next blog and try and focus on liquor, since these last two have been about beer. Until then, drink up ladies, it's going to be a long, hard ride for most of you! Guten Tag Herr!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Drinking Culture
Drinking is fun. Assuming you read this blog, you'd have to be drunk as Lindsay Lohan at an open bar. So since you love alcohol and I'm obsessed with it, I'm writing part 1 of my "3 Part Series on the Gloriousness of Drinking." I'll overview the best drinking festivals, a third part that I'm still working on, and today's blog, which will overview the 6 Greatest Beer Drinking Countries. Not surprisingly, the USA is not on the list. In fact, it's not even in the Top 10. However, that can't possibly be the fault of any of my readers, since if you read this sober, even I think your crazy. What the hell is wrong with you? Pussy.
6. England
Avg. Beer per Capita: 99 Liters (roughly 279 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Stella Arotis, Guinness, Carling, and Foster's
Reasons for Drinking: If you think college drinking is bad in the USA (or good, depending on how you look at it), head over to Britain. Most of Europe is acutally pretty tame when it comes to bing drinking. Even in the 18th Century, St. Boniface told the Archbishop to "put down the beer bong and convert some God damned pagans!" Drunkenness is frowned upon in most of Europe, but in the UK it's encouraged from a young age on, to go out and get as fucked up as a hobo. Over 1 million emergency room visits were related to alcohol consumption in the UK and guess what? It's a shame it wasn't 2 million, you fucking British pussies.
Problem or Not? No way, binge drinking may have cost them 20 billion pounds but how much did it make them? Exactly. Plus, it rains alot and there's nothing to do outside but play soccer. They should, however, focus on the alarming "yellow teeth" epidemic that has overrun the country.
You think binge drinking is a problem in Britain? Puhhhlease, watch this segment from Booze Britain that will surely convince you otherwise.
5. Austria
Avg. Beer per Capita: 108.3 liters (roughly 305 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Stiegl, Ottakringer, Wieselburger, a bunch of other beers with terribly long, difficult names.
Reasons for Drinking: In Austria, you can buy beer when you are 16. With so many different breweries and different types of beer, pressure to consume large quantities of beer must be too much for the Austrian people to bear. Different parts of Austria want their beer to do well and, thus, binge drink. Also, their culture has been influenced by neighboring Germany and Bohemia, which we will surely talk about shortly. In addition, they like to yodel, folk dance, and ski which all involve getting drunk before hand. Also, Austrian women are supposedly not fun to look at, as Austria is famed for its sweets, so beer might help loosen up the eyes, pants, and women.
Problem or No? No way, they would be doing all their breweries a disservice by not drinking this much. Plus, its Austria. Yea, its got a lot of culture, but if you live there....I guess you could ski....or drink.
Drink Stiegl and you'll get laid. Proof:
4. Australia
Avg. Beer per Capita: 109.9 Liters (roughly 310 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Victoria Bitter, Carlton Draught, XXXX Bitter, West End Draught
Reasons for Drinking: Binge drinking is very common in Australia and their culture is much like Britain's except with a worse accent and better teeth. Drunkenness has been a problem since Britain started dropping off criminals down there. It used to be rum, now it has gravitated towards beer. Beer is also sold in larger bottles, drunken in larger glasses, and enjoyed in larger groups. Also, it's hot so people need a drink. Why not quench your thirst with alcohol? It's one thing Australians do right, unlike their anything else. (I've never thought about it, but what does Australia do?)
Problem or No? Let's say no, but it could be. Aussie's like to box kangaroo's and crazy shit like that so maybe it is a problem. Their beer doesn't look that great, even compared to the watered down junk we serve in the USA. We're gonna say no with a good chance of Australia becoming nothing more than a bunch of drunken criminals, much like they were when Australia was founded. Whateva, Yo.
Typical Australian fuckers:
3. Germany
Avg. Beer per Capita: 116 Liters (327 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Pilsner, Marzen, Beck's, Krombacher Pils, Warsteiner
Reasons for Drinking: Germany has over 1,000 breweries. Beer is deeply rooted in German culture. Alcohol content is usually raised in their beers, so as they might not be the top in the world, they have to close to the drunkest. German beers have a reputation for being a high quality brew, since they enacted a "beer purity law" which limits the amount of ingredients put into the beer. Plus, they eat a lot of salty foods and have hideous women, making it extremely necessary to drink a ton of beer. I mean, Germany isn't a very funny country by reputation so they obviously need beer to lighten the mood up a little bit. Plus, Germany has this complex where they need to upstage everyone, even in beer drinking. Yet, they are still number 3. Poor Germans. Can't even wipe out the Jews or win a beer competition.
Problem or No? What's the worst that could happen? I mean, what has Germany ever done in times of trouble that would be bad for everyone? I mean, Germany will give up its beer like most men will give up their penis: never.
As much as I have bashed Germans, they have the best beer commercials ever.
2. Ireland
Beer per Capita: 131 Liters (roughly 369 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Guinness. That's fucking it.
Reasons for Drinking: Hmm, why do the Irish drink? Years of repression and anguish? Having the greatest beer ever produced brewed in their country? I don't know for sure but I'd guess that'd have something to do with it. Binge drinking is "the norm" in Ireland and beer is the provider of good feelings. More than half of Irish males binge drink at least once a week. This really is one stereotype that is true (ex: Me). Irish people drink at almost every occasion and more often then not it turns into a drunken shitfest. They have more drinking songs than anyone, more kids than anyone, and more toasts than anyone. Coincidence? Obviously not. However, before technology was brought around, people needed shit to do. So the Irish frequented pubs, sang songs, drank beer, had kids, started fights, and did the motherfucking Irish jig, which is damn cooler than folk dancing or any other shit. Besides, it rains alot, Ireland is small and the Irish don't feel like thinking of stuff to do, so we drink and let it come to us. Other theories are that the Irish tend to take life less seriously since its been alot worse in their pasts. Drinking helps you get happy or forget. The Irish need to do both.
Problem or No? Hell no, if they stopped making Guinness I wouldn't have a reason to wake up.
If you didn't have the Irish, you wouldn't have a drunken midget getting his ass kicked. You're Welcome:
1. Czech Republic
Avg. Beer per Capita: 157 Liters (roughly 443 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Budweiser Budvar (no relation to Busch), Pilsner Urquell, Gambrinus, Kozel, Radegast
Reasons for Drinking: The Czech's developed the first Pilsner method and have had breweries present in the country since around the 12th century. Hops are plentiful in the country and used for domestic production and imports. Before the Czech's, there was no golden beer. The Budweiser Budvar, one of the Czech Rep.'s most popular beers, was actually the influence for the American Budweiser, which copied it but the names aren't allowed in the respective countries they are produced in. The only reason I can come up with is that Czech's are around beer all the time, pubs are all over the place, and ID checking is a rarity. The pubs were a place to escape communism. Czech's don't binge drink as much as Americans even but they drink almost everyday and from a much younger age. Therefor, they can down a little more than Americans before getting drunk (which is true of a lot of countries anyway). But you go Czech Republic, I never thought you'd be number 1. At anything.
Problem or No? Well, I haven't said its a problem for Germany or Australia, so what makes you think I'll say it's a problem here? Let them have their glory, douchebags.
Bums. Drinking. Beer.
Sexellent! I hope you enjoyed this damn blog, it took fucking forever to write. And I was sober. Since Americans are so far down on this list, maybe I should be drinking more and more to boost our ranking. It's the least I could do for my country. And you can do it too! Let's unite and get hammered to help our country! Anyways, I hope you'll join me again soon for my next blog in my 3 Part Series on Drinking. Next will be the best drinking festivals in the world! You'll enjoy it, I promise. Until then, Zbohem!
Enjoy a video of drunk people!
6. England
Avg. Beer per Capita: 99 Liters (roughly 279 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Stella Arotis, Guinness, Carling, and Foster's
Reasons for Drinking: If you think college drinking is bad in the USA (or good, depending on how you look at it), head over to Britain. Most of Europe is acutally pretty tame when it comes to bing drinking. Even in the 18th Century, St. Boniface told the Archbishop to "put down the beer bong and convert some God damned pagans!" Drunkenness is frowned upon in most of Europe, but in the UK it's encouraged from a young age on, to go out and get as fucked up as a hobo. Over 1 million emergency room visits were related to alcohol consumption in the UK and guess what? It's a shame it wasn't 2 million, you fucking British pussies.
Problem or Not? No way, binge drinking may have cost them 20 billion pounds but how much did it make them? Exactly. Plus, it rains alot and there's nothing to do outside but play soccer. They should, however, focus on the alarming "yellow teeth" epidemic that has overrun the country.
You think binge drinking is a problem in Britain? Puhhhlease, watch this segment from Booze Britain that will surely convince you otherwise.
5. Austria
Avg. Beer per Capita: 108.3 liters (roughly 305 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Stiegl, Ottakringer, Wieselburger, a bunch of other beers with terribly long, difficult names.
Reasons for Drinking: In Austria, you can buy beer when you are 16. With so many different breweries and different types of beer, pressure to consume large quantities of beer must be too much for the Austrian people to bear. Different parts of Austria want their beer to do well and, thus, binge drink. Also, their culture has been influenced by neighboring Germany and Bohemia, which we will surely talk about shortly. In addition, they like to yodel, folk dance, and ski which all involve getting drunk before hand. Also, Austrian women are supposedly not fun to look at, as Austria is famed for its sweets, so beer might help loosen up the eyes, pants, and women.
Problem or No? No way, they would be doing all their breweries a disservice by not drinking this much. Plus, its Austria. Yea, its got a lot of culture, but if you live there....I guess you could ski....or drink.
Drink Stiegl and you'll get laid. Proof:
4. Australia
Avg. Beer per Capita: 109.9 Liters (roughly 310 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Victoria Bitter, Carlton Draught, XXXX Bitter, West End Draught
Reasons for Drinking: Binge drinking is very common in Australia and their culture is much like Britain's except with a worse accent and better teeth. Drunkenness has been a problem since Britain started dropping off criminals down there. It used to be rum, now it has gravitated towards beer. Beer is also sold in larger bottles, drunken in larger glasses, and enjoyed in larger groups. Also, it's hot so people need a drink. Why not quench your thirst with alcohol? It's one thing Australians do right, unlike their anything else. (I've never thought about it, but what does Australia do?)
Problem or No? Let's say no, but it could be. Aussie's like to box kangaroo's and crazy shit like that so maybe it is a problem. Their beer doesn't look that great, even compared to the watered down junk we serve in the USA. We're gonna say no with a good chance of Australia becoming nothing more than a bunch of drunken criminals, much like they were when Australia was founded. Whateva, Yo.
Typical Australian fuckers:
3. Germany
Avg. Beer per Capita: 116 Liters (327 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Pilsner, Marzen, Beck's, Krombacher Pils, Warsteiner
Reasons for Drinking: Germany has over 1,000 breweries. Beer is deeply rooted in German culture. Alcohol content is usually raised in their beers, so as they might not be the top in the world, they have to close to the drunkest. German beers have a reputation for being a high quality brew, since they enacted a "beer purity law" which limits the amount of ingredients put into the beer. Plus, they eat a lot of salty foods and have hideous women, making it extremely necessary to drink a ton of beer. I mean, Germany isn't a very funny country by reputation so they obviously need beer to lighten the mood up a little bit. Plus, Germany has this complex where they need to upstage everyone, even in beer drinking. Yet, they are still number 3. Poor Germans. Can't even wipe out the Jews or win a beer competition.
Problem or No? What's the worst that could happen? I mean, what has Germany ever done in times of trouble that would be bad for everyone? I mean, Germany will give up its beer like most men will give up their penis: never.
As much as I have bashed Germans, they have the best beer commercials ever.
2. Ireland
Beer per Capita: 131 Liters (roughly 369 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Guinness. That's fucking it.
Reasons for Drinking: Hmm, why do the Irish drink? Years of repression and anguish? Having the greatest beer ever produced brewed in their country? I don't know for sure but I'd guess that'd have something to do with it. Binge drinking is "the norm" in Ireland and beer is the provider of good feelings. More than half of Irish males binge drink at least once a week. This really is one stereotype that is true (ex: Me). Irish people drink at almost every occasion and more often then not it turns into a drunken shitfest. They have more drinking songs than anyone, more kids than anyone, and more toasts than anyone. Coincidence? Obviously not. However, before technology was brought around, people needed shit to do. So the Irish frequented pubs, sang songs, drank beer, had kids, started fights, and did the motherfucking Irish jig, which is damn cooler than folk dancing or any other shit. Besides, it rains alot, Ireland is small and the Irish don't feel like thinking of stuff to do, so we drink and let it come to us. Other theories are that the Irish tend to take life less seriously since its been alot worse in their pasts. Drinking helps you get happy or forget. The Irish need to do both.
Problem or No? Hell no, if they stopped making Guinness I wouldn't have a reason to wake up.
If you didn't have the Irish, you wouldn't have a drunken midget getting his ass kicked. You're Welcome:
1. Czech Republic
Avg. Beer per Capita: 157 Liters (roughly 443 twelve ounce beers per year)
Beers of Choice: Budweiser Budvar (no relation to Busch), Pilsner Urquell, Gambrinus, Kozel, Radegast
Reasons for Drinking: The Czech's developed the first Pilsner method and have had breweries present in the country since around the 12th century. Hops are plentiful in the country and used for domestic production and imports. Before the Czech's, there was no golden beer. The Budweiser Budvar, one of the Czech Rep.'s most popular beers, was actually the influence for the American Budweiser, which copied it but the names aren't allowed in the respective countries they are produced in. The only reason I can come up with is that Czech's are around beer all the time, pubs are all over the place, and ID checking is a rarity. The pubs were a place to escape communism. Czech's don't binge drink as much as Americans even but they drink almost everyday and from a much younger age. Therefor, they can down a little more than Americans before getting drunk (which is true of a lot of countries anyway). But you go Czech Republic, I never thought you'd be number 1. At anything.
Problem or No? Well, I haven't said its a problem for Germany or Australia, so what makes you think I'll say it's a problem here? Let them have their glory, douchebags.
Bums. Drinking. Beer.
Sexellent! I hope you enjoyed this damn blog, it took fucking forever to write. And I was sober. Since Americans are so far down on this list, maybe I should be drinking more and more to boost our ranking. It's the least I could do for my country. And you can do it too! Let's unite and get hammered to help our country! Anyways, I hope you'll join me again soon for my next blog in my 3 Part Series on Drinking. Next will be the best drinking festivals in the world! You'll enjoy it, I promise. Until then, Zbohem!
Enjoy a video of drunk people!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Cities are the Abyss of the Human Species
You like the title of today's blog? Always optimistic Frenchman Jean-Jacques Rousseau once said it, although I'm not sure in what context. Who cares. Anyways, I thought I'd talk a little about cities today. Namely, big cities. No, no, silly gooses, I don't mean big cities like Bangkok or Ho Chi Mihn City. I mean places with long names. Really long names. Like Polish names. These cities are a mouthful and not the kind you'd want to swallow. These are the 6 Longest Place Names Worldwide. Chew before you swallow, unless your a girl.
6. Villa Real de la Santa Fé de San Francisco de Asis
Yo, Where You At? It is the official name of Santa Fe, New Mexico
Length and Translation: At 40 letters, it translates from Spanish as "Royal City of the Holy faith of St. Francis of Assisi"
Real Pretty: Santa Fe's great and all, but did you ever wonder why there is a New Mexico when the old one isn't very good to begin with? Me too. Anyways, this place was obviously named to honor St. Francis Im-a-sissy. In other news, New Mexico came in 42 out of 50 in "States I'd want to visit." They could make it like Tijuana in Old Mexico and maybe more people would go there. Whatever, this is the least interesting of the long names on the list so moving on would be an ideal situation for me, you, and the people of New Mexico. All 34 of them.
5. Chargoggagoggmanchaugagoggchaubunagungamaug
Yo, Where You At? A lake near Webster, Massachussetts
Length and Translation: At 43 letters long, it translates from an Indian language to mean "You fish on your side, I'll fish on mine, and no one fishes in the middle." Or they could have just named it Divided Lake. Seems a bit much to me.
Hey G,g,g,g,g,g,g: Indians didn't want English settlers to be able to pronounce the name, thus Charg....maug. (Fuck you, I'm not typing that all out. We're still on #5, I'd prefer not to get carpal tunnel) Oh, those Nipmuck Indians! Interesting fact you didn't know about Indians: People still don't generally care about them. You could argue that they've been more prosecuted than black people in our country but nobody brings it up. Let's move on though I have a reservation for two in 45 minutes. No pun intended, chief.
4. El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles de la Porciúncula
Yo, Where You At? Some people also call this city "Los Angeles"
Length and Translation: At 57 letters, it can be translated from Spanish to mean "The town of our lady the queen of the angles of the little portion." The mystery of what that "little portion" is has eluded historians for years. Some say it means it's a little portion of Spain, though. (Hint: it is)
Why How Extra-Fabulously-Fabulous: Although technically it is one of the longest place names in the world, it also lies on the other end of the spectrum as having the shortest nickname for a city in the world. So they've really done some nipping and tucking on the name of the city. Even as God has tried to destroy this unholy city through large earthquake, wildfires, and Latino immigrants, Los Angeles has thrived as one of those cities everyone wants to live in but is annoyed with when they aren't living it because they can't. Make sense? Good, let's rocket along here.
3. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob wllllantysiliogogogoch
Yo, Where You At? Town on the island on Anglesy in Wales, part of the United Crapdom.
Length and Translation: At 58 letters, it translates from Welsh (which is really easy to pronounce) as "St. Mary's Church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the rapid whirlpool of the church of St. Tysilo near the red cave." Ummmmm, K.
Viking Quest: The name was given to the town in the 19th century to try and make it a tourist center, but then people found out it was in Wales they said "Fuck it dude, let's go to Amsterdam and get loaded." As if Welsh wasn't difficult enough to pronounce those Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysiliogogogoch-ites decided to make everybody's head explode as they tried to read the town's name while passing through. I don't even know where to begin when trying to pronounce the name of this town. Out of pure vocubular jealousy, 2 other towns attempted to outdo the (insert town name here)-ites by giving their train stations extremely long names but one was unofficial and the other, it was found, actually did not make sense at all. In other news, Wales has moved down to 112 on my "Countries I'd Like to Visit or Talk About."
2. Taumatawhakatangihangak oauauotamateaturipukaka pikimaungahoronukupokaiwhe nua kitanatahu
Yo, Where You At? At 305 meter high hill located in southern Hawke's Bay, New Zealand
Length and Translation: At a whopping 85 letters long, this hilly adventure of a name translates to "The place where Tamatea, the man with big knees, who slid, climbed, and swallowed mountains, known as land-eater, played on the flute to his loved one." Other names considered: "The place where Tamatea, the man with on his knees, who laid, climbed, and swallowed, known as man-eater, played on the flute of his loved one." Props to me for that.
Hilltopper: Oh those Maori's. Maori itself means "normal," which is pretty funny because why would you name yourself "Normal"? Whatever. The point is that these Oceanic peoples have extremely mind-numbing languages. I'd imagine learning Maori would take longer than learning how to travel back in time to free the slaves, which is pointless anyway because then you would get shot by some Southern cotton producer while running away with Joe Kathatamanda and Nair'o'baaeaa Smith. But seriously, this is a hill. This has moved up to 1,403,203 on my list of "Things I Would Like To See in Person, Pictures, or My Mind," just ahead of the new Eddie Murphy movie "Meet Dave".
1. Krung thep mahanakhon bovorn ratanakosin mahintharayutthaya mahadilok pop noparatratchathani burirom udomratchanivetmahasathan amornpiman avatarnsathit sakkathattiyavisnukarmprasit
Yo, Where You At? Otherwise known as Bangkok, Thailand
Length and Translation: At a disgustingly ridiculous 167 letters it is whatever 167 minus 85 is more than the second longest. (Give me a break, I did calculus all week). It means "The city of angels, the great city, the residence of the Emerald Buddha, the impregnable city (of Ayutthaya) of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukarn." It'll always be a way to just hit someone in the nuts after you ask them what the capital of Thailand is to most people, though.
I'm the Emerald Buddha, w/o the Weight Problem: Bangkok is rated as the best tourist destination in all of Asia, outdoing Tokyo, Beijing, and Ulan Bator in Mongolia. It's famous for its nightlife, shopping, and "rub and tug" massage parlors. The long name was derived from some guy who arrived there and thought "I'll take a quote from everyone that lives here about the city and put it all together to form the city's name!" This man is now known as "Kwai Mah" which, for those of you that don't know Thai, roughly translates to "Dog's Dick". Which is funny, because I believe that's the #4 at the Thailand McDonalds. Bangkok has officially moved up to 7th on my list of "Places I'd Go if I was Married, Not Getting Any, and Had a Good Excuse to Disappear for a Week."
Well, I hope you enjoyed my excellent blogging on various tongue twisting place names from across the globe. I've had a bit of writer's block lately so sorry for any anguish or panic attacks my lack of blogging has caused you recently. For now, I must say goodbye. But remember: you can't spell delicious unless you have Portillos. Or a 3rd grade education. Peace, love, and la-gon.
6. Villa Real de la Santa Fé de San Francisco de Asis
Yo, Where You At? It is the official name of Santa Fe, New Mexico
Length and Translation: At 40 letters, it translates from Spanish as "Royal City of the Holy faith of St. Francis of Assisi"
Real Pretty: Santa Fe's great and all, but did you ever wonder why there is a New Mexico when the old one isn't very good to begin with? Me too. Anyways, this place was obviously named to honor St. Francis Im-a-sissy. In other news, New Mexico came in 42 out of 50 in "States I'd want to visit." They could make it like Tijuana in Old Mexico and maybe more people would go there. Whatever, this is the least interesting of the long names on the list so moving on would be an ideal situation for me, you, and the people of New Mexico. All 34 of them.
5. Chargoggagoggmanchaugagoggchaubunagungamaug
Yo, Where You At? A lake near Webster, Massachussetts
Length and Translation: At 43 letters long, it translates from an Indian language to mean "You fish on your side, I'll fish on mine, and no one fishes in the middle." Or they could have just named it Divided Lake. Seems a bit much to me.
Hey G,g,g,g,g,g,g: Indians didn't want English settlers to be able to pronounce the name, thus Charg....maug. (Fuck you, I'm not typing that all out. We're still on #5, I'd prefer not to get carpal tunnel) Oh, those Nipmuck Indians! Interesting fact you didn't know about Indians: People still don't generally care about them. You could argue that they've been more prosecuted than black people in our country but nobody brings it up. Let's move on though I have a reservation for two in 45 minutes. No pun intended, chief.
4. El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles de la Porciúncula
Yo, Where You At? Some people also call this city "Los Angeles"
Length and Translation: At 57 letters, it can be translated from Spanish to mean "The town of our lady the queen of the angles of the little portion." The mystery of what that "little portion" is has eluded historians for years. Some say it means it's a little portion of Spain, though. (Hint: it is)
Why How Extra-Fabulously-Fabulous: Although technically it is one of the longest place names in the world, it also lies on the other end of the spectrum as having the shortest nickname for a city in the world. So they've really done some nipping and tucking on the name of the city. Even as God has tried to destroy this unholy city through large earthquake, wildfires, and Latino immigrants, Los Angeles has thrived as one of those cities everyone wants to live in but is annoyed with when they aren't living it because they can't. Make sense? Good, let's rocket along here.
3. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob wllllantysiliogogogoch
Yo, Where You At? Town on the island on Anglesy in Wales, part of the United Crapdom.
Length and Translation: At 58 letters, it translates from Welsh (which is really easy to pronounce) as "St. Mary's Church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the rapid whirlpool of the church of St. Tysilo near the red cave." Ummmmm, K.
Viking Quest: The name was given to the town in the 19th century to try and make it a tourist center, but then people found out it was in Wales they said "Fuck it dude, let's go to Amsterdam and get loaded." As if Welsh wasn't difficult enough to pronounce those Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysiliogogogoch-ites decided to make everybody's head explode as they tried to read the town's name while passing through. I don't even know where to begin when trying to pronounce the name of this town. Out of pure vocubular jealousy, 2 other towns attempted to outdo the (insert town name here)-ites by giving their train stations extremely long names but one was unofficial and the other, it was found, actually did not make sense at all. In other news, Wales has moved down to 112 on my "Countries I'd Like to Visit or Talk About."
2. Taumatawhakatangihangak oauauotamateaturipukaka pikimaungahoronukupokaiwhe nua kitanatahu
Yo, Where You At? At 305 meter high hill located in southern Hawke's Bay, New Zealand
Length and Translation: At a whopping 85 letters long, this hilly adventure of a name translates to "The place where Tamatea, the man with big knees, who slid, climbed, and swallowed mountains, known as land-eater, played on the flute to his loved one." Other names considered: "The place where Tamatea, the man with on his knees, who laid, climbed, and swallowed, known as man-eater, played on the flute of his loved one." Props to me for that.
Hilltopper: Oh those Maori's. Maori itself means "normal," which is pretty funny because why would you name yourself "Normal"? Whatever. The point is that these Oceanic peoples have extremely mind-numbing languages. I'd imagine learning Maori would take longer than learning how to travel back in time to free the slaves, which is pointless anyway because then you would get shot by some Southern cotton producer while running away with Joe Kathatamanda and Nair'o'baaeaa Smith. But seriously, this is a hill. This has moved up to 1,403,203 on my list of "Things I Would Like To See in Person, Pictures, or My Mind," just ahead of the new Eddie Murphy movie "Meet Dave".
1. Krung thep mahanakhon bovorn ratanakosin mahintharayutthaya mahadilok pop noparatratchathani burirom udomratchanivetmahasathan amornpiman avatarnsathit sakkathattiyavisnukarmprasit
Yo, Where You At? Otherwise known as Bangkok, Thailand
Length and Translation: At a disgustingly ridiculous 167 letters it is whatever 167 minus 85 is more than the second longest. (Give me a break, I did calculus all week). It means "The city of angels, the great city, the residence of the Emerald Buddha, the impregnable city (of Ayutthaya) of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukarn." It'll always be a way to just hit someone in the nuts after you ask them what the capital of Thailand is to most people, though.
I'm the Emerald Buddha, w/o the Weight Problem: Bangkok is rated as the best tourist destination in all of Asia, outdoing Tokyo, Beijing, and Ulan Bator in Mongolia. It's famous for its nightlife, shopping, and "rub and tug" massage parlors. The long name was derived from some guy who arrived there and thought "I'll take a quote from everyone that lives here about the city and put it all together to form the city's name!" This man is now known as "Kwai Mah" which, for those of you that don't know Thai, roughly translates to "Dog's Dick". Which is funny, because I believe that's the #4 at the Thailand McDonalds. Bangkok has officially moved up to 7th on my list of "Places I'd Go if I was Married, Not Getting Any, and Had a Good Excuse to Disappear for a Week."
Well, I hope you enjoyed my excellent blogging on various tongue twisting place names from across the globe. I've had a bit of writer's block lately so sorry for any anguish or panic attacks my lack of blogging has caused you recently. For now, I must say goodbye. But remember: you can't spell delicious unless you have Portillos. Or a 3rd grade education. Peace, love, and la-gon.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Original Objections
Your honor(s), I'd like to introduce these songs into evidence. They've been remade, and we need your opinion on which one deserves to be recognized in music history.
Me: Thank you. I will do my best to judge these songs at their very best and make a fair decision on which one is better and deserves recognition.
See...many songs have remade throughout history. Bad ones, Great ones, and mediocre ones. Some remakes have outshined their original lyricists. And as much as you hate that I'm going to write another blog on the entertainment industry, fuck you, because music is way more interesting than the Top 7 Mistresses in History (next blog, don't worry). This blog is about music and its cover songs. The plaintiff's will be the original performers and the defendant will be the cover-er. Here's 7 Cover Song Court Cases. P.S. I'm drunk while writing this, so excuse grammatics. Fuck you, spell check, grammatics is a word.
7. Otis Redding v. Aretha Franklin
Dispute: Redding's original version of "Respect" (1965) against Franklin's version in 1967.
Plaintiff's Argument (Redding): Aretha gets all the recognition for this song even though she stole my lyrics. Most importantly, she changed the meaning of the song. This song was meant to be a plea for respect to a girl, written by a man. She totally reversed the meaning and turned it into an anthem for women, who totally control relationships anyway. Plus, I wrote this damn song and nobody even knows it is a cover. I don't appreciate my music being used as an anthem for the feminist movement, especially because the feminist movement is a load of crap. THERE! I SAID IT!
Defendant's Argument (Franklin): The feminist movement needed an anthem at the time, and I gave it to them. Also, it propelled my career as "that fat woman who can really sing." You see, women don't get enough respect and I thought Otis' lyrics were basically written for me to turn around. Not to mention my version is a much more catchy and has achieved much more respect (no pub intended) in the music industry. Otis is a great musician, but he must of been on an estrogen high while writing this song because men get plenty of respect all of the time, especially at the time this song was written. Women could barely work for half a man's salary when he wrote that song. So fuck that, I'm Aretha and I deserve a Cheeseburger.
Dolan's Verdict: I'll give it to Aretha. Her song has had much more of a lasting impact on society, as much as I hate to see feminist anthems. Aretha wins, providing that she lose some weight and that Redding stay dead, like he has for the last 40 years. Insensitive? Yes. Fair? Also Yes.
6. Elvis Presley v. Big Mama Thorton
Dispute: Thorton's original "Hound dog" (1952) against Presley's cover (1956)
Plaintiff's Argument (Big Mama): First of all, this song was written as a blues song, not a rock song. I wrote this song on the back of a paper bag and it helped us breakthrough into the industry. The song was to supposed to exemplify the relationship the pain of a man going through a relationship with a manipulative woman. This is a country blues song at heart and as a rock song, the meaning becomes distorted and catchy to the point that its more of a happy song, which it is not.
Defendant's Argument (Elvis): My version of this song shook the very foundation of rock and roll as we know it. Although Big Mama's recording was very good for a blues song, I gave people something they had never heard before and it caught on. It's not my fault that my song was more influential to music because I shook my hips and gyrated toward the audience. I did what I needed to do to get ahead and it worked. I'm a legend, where you would need to go to a African American nursing home to find someone who knew who "Big Mama" Thorton was.
Dolan's Verdict: Although Elvis' insults are extremely unnecessary and racist, I still rule in favor of his version. Both versions are good, but Elvis' song impacted music much more than Big Mama's did. Besides, Elvis died relatively young and was embarrassingly fat at the end of his life. Isn't that enough of a punishment, Big Mama? Wait...with that nickname, your probably pretty big too. Whatever, Elvis has it, get out of my courtroom.
5. Johnny Cash v. Nine Inch Nails
Dispute: Cash's remake of "Hurt" in 2002 against Trent Reznor's original version in 1994.
Plaintiff's Dispute (Reznor): Look, everybody knows Cash is a legend and I'm honored that he would even consider covering one of my songs. These lyrics were emotional for me to write and I poured my heart and soul into this song. This was a deeply personal song for me to write. I love Johnny Cash and realize he went through many hardship's in his life as well. But this song was about the real feeling. Cash might have the more critically acclaimed version but that's just because people know Johnny Cash, and don't bother to acknowledge my version of the song, which is the basis for his very performance.
Defendant's Argument (Cash): Just because he wrote the song doesn't mean that he put more feeling and emotion to this song. I listened to this song and felt like it was written about me. It's not my fault people liked my version more, they could just have easily have ripped it for being unoriginal and not good. But guess what? I'm Johnny fucking Cash and who's he? Nine Inch Nails? Whatever. Call me when they get an Oscar-nominated biopic based on their lives.
Dolan's Verdict: As much as I enjoy Cash's version of this song (which is quite good), I am going to have to side with Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor. I admit I'd never heard the NIN version before this, and it has much more emotion in it, at least to me. And guess what? My opinion is the only one that matters in this case. So bam.
4. Sinead O'Connor v. Prince
Dispute: O'Connor's 1990 cover of Prince's original that was performed by the funk band The Family in 1985.
Plaintiff's Argument (Prince): First of all, this song was written about a woman. So, unless Sinead likes to sweep under the rug, it loses the true meaning of the song. Also, it was written as a funky/blues song, not a ballad. Plus, I'm Prince. Look at me. Does anyone think a song written by me should be sung by a white Irish woman? I mean, I'm freaky as all hell. I wrote this song in a blouse for christsake.
Defendant's Argument (Sinead): Prince's version was never even released as a single. Has anyone ever even heard his version of the song? I gave this song meaning and popularity. I put my heart and soul in this song, and it was one of the best song's of the 90s. Prince is a great artist and wrote a beautiful song, but let's face it: when I sang this song, people got chills and cried. The only people that cried during a Prince song were men's fashion designers. Those tears I cried while singing the song? Those were real. This song has more meaning to me than it does to Prince.
Dolan's Verdict: Prince, you are a freaky cat. Sinead, you ripped a picture of the Pope up on SNL. You both got problems that need addressing. I'm going to rule in favor of Sinead here. Her song has so much more emotion and even makes me get emotional. Touche, Sinead. It's just one song, Prince. If you want to evaluate careers, then we have a different victor here. But "Nothing Compares 2 U" belongs to Sinead O'Connor. (Plus points for having a really Irish name)
3. Marc Cohn v. Cher
Dispute: Cohn's original song "Walking in Memphis" released in 1991, covered and released by Cher in 1995.
Plaintiff's Argument (Cohn): My version is a soul-ish country song, not some silly pop song. Is Cher's version more catchy? Perhaps. But my version has more feeling, its more real. Plus, my version is actually a song. Listen to my voice, I make girls wet just by opening up those vocal chords. Notice how she also changed the lyrics to make it sound like a girl singing? My version is so much more powerful, full of emotion. When I say "Boy, you got a prayer in Memphis" even guys get hot for me. "Are you a Christian child?" Do you really believe for a second that anything about Cher is holy? Look at her, she looks like the leader of satanic cult. Cher's a performer, I'm a singer. What the hell does Cher have to do with Memphis anyway?
Defendant's Argument (Cher): Cohn's just mad that my version is more catchy and that I'm more of a name than him. Marc's song is good, but I bring attention to this song. So what if I turned it into a pop song? It just makes you want to get up and dance and sing along, not cry like a pussy boy. Was Madonna a virgin or holy when she sang "Like a Prayer" or "Like a Virgin"? I don't think so, so what does it matter if I'm a Christian to the quality of a song. I'm not trying to feel the emotion, I'm trying to get my listeners to feel it. And they feel it alright.
Dolan's Verdict: First of all, shame on you Cher. Second of all, Marc Cohn wins. His song is a much better version, whereas if I want to dance, I'll listen to "One Night in Bangkok", not this. I want to feel what its like to be "walking in memphis" not "dancing in memphis". Cohn, "Walking in Memphis" is yours and its damn good.
2. Bob Dylan v. The Byrds
Dispute: Bob Dylan's original version released in 1965 after The Byrds released a cover of the song earlier in the year.
Plaintiff's Argument (Dylan): Listen here man, I'm more than a musician. I'm the greatest poet of the 20th century. My music is fucking poetry. I've written the best song of all time. It's ludicrous to think that my light-folk rock version of the song is inferior to the more upbeat, shorter version of the song. Some songs are just not meant to be touched and this is one of them. It's like remaking Hitchcock: you just don't do it (unless you're a tool). This song is poetry, not some god-damned pop song. Bastards even tried to release it before me to give themselves more attention. Guess what? I'm Bob F'n Dylan. My songs awaken the soul and open the mind.
Defendant's Argument (Byrds): Our version of this song essentially created folk rock. So you could say we were an influence for Bob Dylan's later work. We made this song over, electric-style, and made it more upbeat. Who doesn't like upbeat? Plus, if you look at Rolling Stone's Top 500 songs, our version is ranked higher than Bobby D's. We respect Bob's version and his music in general. Let's face it, remaking Bob Dylan is risky but we pulled it off. We basically created a new genre of music by remaking this song. How many people can say that?
Dolan's Verdict: Both versions are admittedly very good and very different. I'm still going to give this one to Bobby Dylan. As good as the Byrds version was, I still don't think it compares to the essence that Dylan has in every song. It's unbelievable to me. Plus, what the hell does Rolling Stone know? Are those songs really the top 500? Cause I've never heard of almost half of them. Get with the times. Dylan's version will be forever remembered, as well it should be. Bob Dylan, "Mr. Tambourine Man" belongs to you.
1. Bob Dylan v. Jimi Hendrix
Dispute: Bob Dylan's original 1967 version of "All Along the Watchtower" against Jimi Hendrix's cover version released in 1968.
Plaintiff's Argument (Dylan): Wasn't I just here? Listen, Hendrix brings a lot of intensity and fever to the song. That's not what the song was meant to sound like though. This is supposed to be a quiet acoustic ballad, not some loud rock song. Plus, why do people feel the need to remake my songs immediately after I release them? Give me a few years, Jesus Christ. Also, I've performed this song in concert more than any other: 1,748 times and counting. How many times has Jimi sang it live? Oh wait, he overdosed on drugs and has been dead for a long time.
Defendant's Argument (Hendrix): Dylan's version is great but I totally reworked this song and I did so obsessively. I reworked every aspect of this song and made it one of the best songs ever performed. Have you heard my guitar? It sounds like sex. Denying that my version is better is like saying a hand job is better than a blow job, only if it's done by an idiot is that true. Same with this song. I bring the vocals, I bring the power, I just bring it, period. No one is here to deny Bob Dylan's impact and talent as a musician. But you have to recognize mine too. When I yell "allllll along the watchtowaaa," girls get pregnant just from hearing it. Can you say that about any of Dylan's songs? Recognize.
Dolan's Verdict: Apparently Jimi has never heard "Like a Rolling Stone" or "Isis" before. Anyways, as much as I love you Bobby, there's just no way I could give this one to you. Jimi's version is the best cover version in the history of music, and one of music all-time great songs. Nothing really compares here. Dylan's version of the song isn't even great by any stretch of the imagination, Jimi's is outstanding. Jimi Hendrix, "All Along the Watchtower" belongs to you.
There you have it, the cover versions win 4-3. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go try to attempt to cover Raffi's version of "Banana Phone" so I can perform it at my wedding, if I ever get married. My wife is going to love me. So I hope your enjoying the extreme amounts of blogging I've been doing lately. I have to go though, as I need to go see WALL-E. I'm pretty sure these last few sentences have effectively taken my manhood away. Oh well, at least I'm a damn good blogger guy. And I drink your fucking milkshake.
Me: Thank you. I will do my best to judge these songs at their very best and make a fair decision on which one is better and deserves recognition.
See...many songs have remade throughout history. Bad ones, Great ones, and mediocre ones. Some remakes have outshined their original lyricists. And as much as you hate that I'm going to write another blog on the entertainment industry, fuck you, because music is way more interesting than the Top 7 Mistresses in History (next blog, don't worry). This blog is about music and its cover songs. The plaintiff's will be the original performers and the defendant will be the cover-er. Here's 7 Cover Song Court Cases. P.S. I'm drunk while writing this, so excuse grammatics. Fuck you, spell check, grammatics is a word.
7. Otis Redding v. Aretha Franklin
Dispute: Redding's original version of "Respect" (1965) against Franklin's version in 1967.
Plaintiff's Argument (Redding): Aretha gets all the recognition for this song even though she stole my lyrics. Most importantly, she changed the meaning of the song. This song was meant to be a plea for respect to a girl, written by a man. She totally reversed the meaning and turned it into an anthem for women, who totally control relationships anyway. Plus, I wrote this damn song and nobody even knows it is a cover. I don't appreciate my music being used as an anthem for the feminist movement, especially because the feminist movement is a load of crap. THERE! I SAID IT!
Defendant's Argument (Franklin): The feminist movement needed an anthem at the time, and I gave it to them. Also, it propelled my career as "that fat woman who can really sing." You see, women don't get enough respect and I thought Otis' lyrics were basically written for me to turn around. Not to mention my version is a much more catchy and has achieved much more respect (no pub intended) in the music industry. Otis is a great musician, but he must of been on an estrogen high while writing this song because men get plenty of respect all of the time, especially at the time this song was written. Women could barely work for half a man's salary when he wrote that song. So fuck that, I'm Aretha and I deserve a Cheeseburger.
Dolan's Verdict: I'll give it to Aretha. Her song has had much more of a lasting impact on society, as much as I hate to see feminist anthems. Aretha wins, providing that she lose some weight and that Redding stay dead, like he has for the last 40 years. Insensitive? Yes. Fair? Also Yes.
6. Elvis Presley v. Big Mama Thorton
Dispute: Thorton's original "Hound dog" (1952) against Presley's cover (1956)
Plaintiff's Argument (Big Mama): First of all, this song was written as a blues song, not a rock song. I wrote this song on the back of a paper bag and it helped us breakthrough into the industry. The song was to supposed to exemplify the relationship the pain of a man going through a relationship with a manipulative woman. This is a country blues song at heart and as a rock song, the meaning becomes distorted and catchy to the point that its more of a happy song, which it is not.
Defendant's Argument (Elvis): My version of this song shook the very foundation of rock and roll as we know it. Although Big Mama's recording was very good for a blues song, I gave people something they had never heard before and it caught on. It's not my fault that my song was more influential to music because I shook my hips and gyrated toward the audience. I did what I needed to do to get ahead and it worked. I'm a legend, where you would need to go to a African American nursing home to find someone who knew who "Big Mama" Thorton was.
Dolan's Verdict: Although Elvis' insults are extremely unnecessary and racist, I still rule in favor of his version. Both versions are good, but Elvis' song impacted music much more than Big Mama's did. Besides, Elvis died relatively young and was embarrassingly fat at the end of his life. Isn't that enough of a punishment, Big Mama? Wait...with that nickname, your probably pretty big too. Whatever, Elvis has it, get out of my courtroom.
5. Johnny Cash v. Nine Inch Nails
Dispute: Cash's remake of "Hurt" in 2002 against Trent Reznor's original version in 1994.
Plaintiff's Dispute (Reznor): Look, everybody knows Cash is a legend and I'm honored that he would even consider covering one of my songs. These lyrics were emotional for me to write and I poured my heart and soul into this song. This was a deeply personal song for me to write. I love Johnny Cash and realize he went through many hardship's in his life as well. But this song was about the real feeling. Cash might have the more critically acclaimed version but that's just because people know Johnny Cash, and don't bother to acknowledge my version of the song, which is the basis for his very performance.
Defendant's Argument (Cash): Just because he wrote the song doesn't mean that he put more feeling and emotion to this song. I listened to this song and felt like it was written about me. It's not my fault people liked my version more, they could just have easily have ripped it for being unoriginal and not good. But guess what? I'm Johnny fucking Cash and who's he? Nine Inch Nails? Whatever. Call me when they get an Oscar-nominated biopic based on their lives.
Dolan's Verdict: As much as I enjoy Cash's version of this song (which is quite good), I am going to have to side with Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor. I admit I'd never heard the NIN version before this, and it has much more emotion in it, at least to me. And guess what? My opinion is the only one that matters in this case. So bam.
4. Sinead O'Connor v. Prince
Dispute: O'Connor's 1990 cover of Prince's original that was performed by the funk band The Family in 1985.
Plaintiff's Argument (Prince): First of all, this song was written about a woman. So, unless Sinead likes to sweep under the rug, it loses the true meaning of the song. Also, it was written as a funky/blues song, not a ballad. Plus, I'm Prince. Look at me. Does anyone think a song written by me should be sung by a white Irish woman? I mean, I'm freaky as all hell. I wrote this song in a blouse for christsake.
Defendant's Argument (Sinead): Prince's version was never even released as a single. Has anyone ever even heard his version of the song? I gave this song meaning and popularity. I put my heart and soul in this song, and it was one of the best song's of the 90s. Prince is a great artist and wrote a beautiful song, but let's face it: when I sang this song, people got chills and cried. The only people that cried during a Prince song were men's fashion designers. Those tears I cried while singing the song? Those were real. This song has more meaning to me than it does to Prince.
Dolan's Verdict: Prince, you are a freaky cat. Sinead, you ripped a picture of the Pope up on SNL. You both got problems that need addressing. I'm going to rule in favor of Sinead here. Her song has so much more emotion and even makes me get emotional. Touche, Sinead. It's just one song, Prince. If you want to evaluate careers, then we have a different victor here. But "Nothing Compares 2 U" belongs to Sinead O'Connor. (Plus points for having a really Irish name)
3. Marc Cohn v. Cher
Dispute: Cohn's original song "Walking in Memphis" released in 1991, covered and released by Cher in 1995.
Plaintiff's Argument (Cohn): My version is a soul-ish country song, not some silly pop song. Is Cher's version more catchy? Perhaps. But my version has more feeling, its more real. Plus, my version is actually a song. Listen to my voice, I make girls wet just by opening up those vocal chords. Notice how she also changed the lyrics to make it sound like a girl singing? My version is so much more powerful, full of emotion. When I say "Boy, you got a prayer in Memphis" even guys get hot for me. "Are you a Christian child?" Do you really believe for a second that anything about Cher is holy? Look at her, she looks like the leader of satanic cult. Cher's a performer, I'm a singer. What the hell does Cher have to do with Memphis anyway?
Defendant's Argument (Cher): Cohn's just mad that my version is more catchy and that I'm more of a name than him. Marc's song is good, but I bring attention to this song. So what if I turned it into a pop song? It just makes you want to get up and dance and sing along, not cry like a pussy boy. Was Madonna a virgin or holy when she sang "Like a Prayer" or "Like a Virgin"? I don't think so, so what does it matter if I'm a Christian to the quality of a song. I'm not trying to feel the emotion, I'm trying to get my listeners to feel it. And they feel it alright.
Dolan's Verdict: First of all, shame on you Cher. Second of all, Marc Cohn wins. His song is a much better version, whereas if I want to dance, I'll listen to "One Night in Bangkok", not this. I want to feel what its like to be "walking in memphis" not "dancing in memphis". Cohn, "Walking in Memphis" is yours and its damn good.
2. Bob Dylan v. The Byrds
Dispute: Bob Dylan's original version released in 1965 after The Byrds released a cover of the song earlier in the year.
Plaintiff's Argument (Dylan): Listen here man, I'm more than a musician. I'm the greatest poet of the 20th century. My music is fucking poetry. I've written the best song of all time. It's ludicrous to think that my light-folk rock version of the song is inferior to the more upbeat, shorter version of the song. Some songs are just not meant to be touched and this is one of them. It's like remaking Hitchcock: you just don't do it (unless you're a tool). This song is poetry, not some god-damned pop song. Bastards even tried to release it before me to give themselves more attention. Guess what? I'm Bob F'n Dylan. My songs awaken the soul and open the mind.
Defendant's Argument (Byrds): Our version of this song essentially created folk rock. So you could say we were an influence for Bob Dylan's later work. We made this song over, electric-style, and made it more upbeat. Who doesn't like upbeat? Plus, if you look at Rolling Stone's Top 500 songs, our version is ranked higher than Bobby D's. We respect Bob's version and his music in general. Let's face it, remaking Bob Dylan is risky but we pulled it off. We basically created a new genre of music by remaking this song. How many people can say that?
Dolan's Verdict: Both versions are admittedly very good and very different. I'm still going to give this one to Bobby Dylan. As good as the Byrds version was, I still don't think it compares to the essence that Dylan has in every song. It's unbelievable to me. Plus, what the hell does Rolling Stone know? Are those songs really the top 500? Cause I've never heard of almost half of them. Get with the times. Dylan's version will be forever remembered, as well it should be. Bob Dylan, "Mr. Tambourine Man" belongs to you.
1. Bob Dylan v. Jimi Hendrix
Dispute: Bob Dylan's original 1967 version of "All Along the Watchtower" against Jimi Hendrix's cover version released in 1968.
Plaintiff's Argument (Dylan): Wasn't I just here? Listen, Hendrix brings a lot of intensity and fever to the song. That's not what the song was meant to sound like though. This is supposed to be a quiet acoustic ballad, not some loud rock song. Plus, why do people feel the need to remake my songs immediately after I release them? Give me a few years, Jesus Christ. Also, I've performed this song in concert more than any other: 1,748 times and counting. How many times has Jimi sang it live? Oh wait, he overdosed on drugs and has been dead for a long time.
Defendant's Argument (Hendrix): Dylan's version is great but I totally reworked this song and I did so obsessively. I reworked every aspect of this song and made it one of the best songs ever performed. Have you heard my guitar? It sounds like sex. Denying that my version is better is like saying a hand job is better than a blow job, only if it's done by an idiot is that true. Same with this song. I bring the vocals, I bring the power, I just bring it, period. No one is here to deny Bob Dylan's impact and talent as a musician. But you have to recognize mine too. When I yell "allllll along the watchtowaaa," girls get pregnant just from hearing it. Can you say that about any of Dylan's songs? Recognize.
Dolan's Verdict: Apparently Jimi has never heard "Like a Rolling Stone" or "Isis" before. Anyways, as much as I love you Bobby, there's just no way I could give this one to you. Jimi's version is the best cover version in the history of music, and one of music all-time great songs. Nothing really compares here. Dylan's version of the song isn't even great by any stretch of the imagination, Jimi's is outstanding. Jimi Hendrix, "All Along the Watchtower" belongs to you.
There you have it, the cover versions win 4-3. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go try to attempt to cover Raffi's version of "Banana Phone" so I can perform it at my wedding, if I ever get married. My wife is going to love me. So I hope your enjoying the extreme amounts of blogging I've been doing lately. I have to go though, as I need to go see WALL-E. I'm pretty sure these last few sentences have effectively taken my manhood away. Oh well, at least I'm a damn good blogger guy. And I drink your fucking milkshake.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
It's Wedding Season!
It's summer and you know what that means....it's wedding season! If your my age, you probably have friends getting engaged and married while you sit back and mutter "Fuck me, really?" So while your name may not be on the invitations for a long time, you can still enjoy yourselves at these weddings. Cause look on the bright side: you can still sleep with anyone you want, while the guy up there everyone is making toasts to has his penis on lockdown. Some may call these tips ways to "ruin the weddings." Here are 6 Tips to Enjoying a Wedding.
6. Open Bar = Open Season
The Upside: People go crazy for free shit. Most people love alcohol. By natural logic, people go absolutely apeshit when they can get free alcohol for an entire night. But be sure to thank the bride's father, who's paying for all that liquor. Make sure, preferably when you've already had a modest 3 or 4 Grey Goose martini's, to go up to the man and yell (remember: he's old, so he probably can't hear that well) "FANKS FOR DA FREE BOOZE, I HALVENT HAD GLEY GLOOSE BLEEFOR!" Besides that, you'll get all the courage you need to finally tell your friend how he's making a huge mistake. Don't worry about his wife being right there, he needs to know it damnit. Just make sure you tell her that her dress makes her cleavage look spectacular, even moreso than on the sex tape your friend (now the groom) showed you last month.
The Downside: Besides the massive amount of respect your friends family will lose for you, alcohol makes people want to do things they never want to be seen doing. Especially dancing. If you dance while your extremely drunk: a)make sure the person dancing with is also inebriated, b) don't fall, and c)make sure you grind like your already inside each other. The kids table needs to learn the moves sometime.
Side Note: Your friends mother-in-law, who you will probably never see again, is hot and (about to be, because of you) single. Make sure you let her know your feelings on her looks and brag about your sexual prowess.
5. +1
The Upside: That invitation presumably says (Insert Your Name) Plus One. Please, please, please don't bring a date. If you do, make sure it's someone you can ditch later or someone that has the same intentions of "socializing" with other people throughout the wedding. Bring a same sex friend so that, in case you get stuck at a bad table, you can make embarrassing comments without getting stared at by the 68-year old Uncle Ted. Bring that friend that you suspect might be an alcoholic, but aren't sure. Or bring the groom's ex-girlfriend. They will deflect negative attention away from you when you start screaming at a 5-year old for spilling your drink or smoke pot in the back with the bride's brother who just got out of rehab. These are all normal parts of the wedding anyway.
The Downside: People might associate you with your disturbingly drunk friend. This isn't as bad as you think. The "He just broke up with a girl he was dating for 3 years" works absolutely every time when people get terribly drunk and need an excuse.
Side Note: If you are going to take advantage of the shortcomings of others, be sure to go all out. Bumming a 15-year old a cigarette or getting a double vodka cranberry for the ex-alcoholic Grandpa are encouraged and not ever looked down upon. Just plead ignorance.
4. Jokester
The Upside: There is no better place to show off your comedic skills than at a wedding. So slip the bride some ex-lax in her drink. Pay the minister $50 to say "You may now feel up the bride." Bring a hobo as your date. Trip the bride's dad as she's walking down the aisle. People love that shit. Just make sure you have a few drinks beforehand so you loosen up. Joke around with the groom "Whew--your wife's a virgin? That's ALOT of pressure! Am I right?" or "Good thing I loosened her up for ya buddy!" People love hearing these kind of jokes, especially on one of the most important days of their lives. You'll be known as "that asshole over there," but those people are just trying to be as funny as you. You know what? It's not working.
The Downside: For some reason, people that don't drink also don't laugh. These people are hard sells, but don't give up, they can be had. If a girl scoffs at a joke and starts talking to her friend, that just means "C'mon, that's the best you got?" Why no, actually, I can do much better. You also may have to explain some of the X-rated jokes to the youngsters who may not understand. Shaping the young minds at the wedding can be an added bonus and can give you a great feeling. Also, if attractive girls see you talking to kids they'll either think your a pedophile or a super-sensitive sexual entity.
Side Note: "If you weren't as stiff as my drink, I'd give you a stiff one back in the coat room." This is free material, ladies and gentlemen, use it to your advantage.
3. Iron Chef
The Upside: Free food is one of the cornerstones of any wedding. If you think the steak is a little undercooked, make sure you let the chef know about it by personally returning it with a note that says "This tastes like shit." The food industry is a harsh business, they better get used to it. If you don't like an appatizer, spit it out and put it back on the plate. Tell the bride's dad that he shouldn't have hired the McDonald's staff to cook for the wedding. Complain that there's no lobster or about the lobster. But, of course, enjoy it. Free food is a luxury that we rarely get to enjoy. So eat, but not too much to absorb the alcohol. That would just be stupid.
The Downside: Good food absorbs alcohol. Fuck that. Just drink more, you pussy. What, are you on a diet or something? Suck it up and eat your $40 steak with the champagne and side beer. Your at a wedding, not a church function.
Side Note: Bring a few doggy bags and take handfuls of appitizers home. You'll be eating pretty for at least a few days afterwards.
2. Super Duper Sex Romp
The Upside: Whether you believe "Wedding Crashers" or not, believe this: girls at a wedding are drunk and jealous. They won't admit it, but this leads them to being a little "easier" than in normal situations. You'd have to be asexual not to take advantage of this. Say stuff like "God, I'm so jealous of (Insert Groom's Name)!" or "You look prettier as a bridesmaid than she did as a bride." Try and lead the conversation to the bar whenever possible. Although this probably is coming off as bordering between "Extremely shallow" and "An Offense Punishable by Law," girls do that same thing, so don't feel bad. Women take advantage of men more than the Cubs take advantage of playing at Wrigley this year. So, take the opportunity at a wedding to get a few numbers, a hummer in the bathroom, and some sloppy, drunken sex. (Preferably all with different people)
The Downside: Um...your penis might get tired? Unless you have a girlfriend, wife, or life partner, there is no downside to this except for the obvious sexual risks such as STD's, pregnancy, and the dreaded calls that come the days later. No worries, that's why the "Ignore" button is on your cell phone. Also, why the hell are you giving her a real number? Moron. It doesn't matter, she wanted the same thing as you anyway. She's probably just calling because she forgot her earrings at your place. Still, don't answer. You don't want to take any risks.
Side Note: Vodka + Sweet Talk + Wedding + Looking Decent = Sex. It's a tried and true formula, folks. Works better than the Pythagorean Theorem. (Props to me for inserting a obscure math formula reference)
1. Speak Up
The Speech. Your biggest shot to leave your mark on the wedding. This will shape the entire wedding party's opinion of you, so make it good. Here's a "Good Speech" and a "Bad Speech." Trust me, I'm taking Public Speaking this summer.
Bad Speech: "I just can't believe how beautiful those two look together. When I first met Jane and Cody, they looked into each others like they were the only ones in the room. It was at that point, I knew they'd be together forever. If you asked me what love was, I would tell you to look at those two up there. They truly define the word. You found a great one pal and today, you're the luckiest guy in the room. Cheers." (Crickets...Yawning...Random guy screaming "You Suck!")
Good Speech: "I'm truly jealous of those two up there. You know what I mean people? God, I remember those nights in college where these two would keep the whole house up. Those two just couldn't keep their hands off each other. I mean...they were the last ones that showed up to the reception, what the hell do you think they were doing? You know? Ahh, anyways, I'm happy for this guy up there. I've known this guy for a long time, from the time freshmen year to the time we did ecstacy two weeks ago and he jerked off to a WNBA game for the entire second half! (At this point, people may try and get the mic from you. Ignore them, they are jealous of your speaking ability) But, I mean, c'mon, this guy's in love. I mean, he won't even drink and drive anymore because of that girl. And look at her. She's a knockout. Am I right? Huh? (Give the "You know what I'm saying elbow" to the person next to you. Body gestures are important.) If he wasn't marryin' her, I'd definitely try and get some of that fine action. (Point to random male relative) THAT MOTHERFUCKER KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT HERE!!! Anyways, good luck you guys, you're gonna make (Insert name of a slut present) look like a prude in Hawaii this weekend. Enjoy marriage, guys. (Look for your drink) Damn, I need another drink." (Set mic down on table and walk towards bar as the reception hall erupts in applause)
Side Note: Don't be afraid to use profanity. Normal people wouldn't use it in a wedding speech, but who the fuck wants their wedding speech to be normal? People may not like my "good speech" but they'll sure as hell remember it. The "bad speech"? Yeah, people will "ooo" and "ahhh" but they won't remember a word. Fuck that.
So take my advice and you should have a pretty good wedding season. Remember kiddies, never conform to social rules that you don't agree with. So be an asshole, chances are most people will be too drunk to remember you were even there. Keep enjoying summer and I will be back soon enough to spread my vast array of knowledge throughout the internet. Until then, try and take some advice from this speech, in which the best man tries to prove the groom is gay for the entire speech. Comic genius, at its best.
6. Open Bar = Open Season
The Upside: People go crazy for free shit. Most people love alcohol. By natural logic, people go absolutely apeshit when they can get free alcohol for an entire night. But be sure to thank the bride's father, who's paying for all that liquor. Make sure, preferably when you've already had a modest 3 or 4 Grey Goose martini's, to go up to the man and yell (remember: he's old, so he probably can't hear that well) "FANKS FOR DA FREE BOOZE, I HALVENT HAD GLEY GLOOSE BLEEFOR!" Besides that, you'll get all the courage you need to finally tell your friend how he's making a huge mistake. Don't worry about his wife being right there, he needs to know it damnit. Just make sure you tell her that her dress makes her cleavage look spectacular, even moreso than on the sex tape your friend (now the groom) showed you last month.
The Downside: Besides the massive amount of respect your friends family will lose for you, alcohol makes people want to do things they never want to be seen doing. Especially dancing. If you dance while your extremely drunk: a)make sure the person dancing with is also inebriated, b) don't fall, and c)make sure you grind like your already inside each other. The kids table needs to learn the moves sometime.
Side Note: Your friends mother-in-law, who you will probably never see again, is hot and (about to be, because of you) single. Make sure you let her know your feelings on her looks and brag about your sexual prowess.
5. +1
The Upside: That invitation presumably says (Insert Your Name) Plus One. Please, please, please don't bring a date. If you do, make sure it's someone you can ditch later or someone that has the same intentions of "socializing" with other people throughout the wedding. Bring a same sex friend so that, in case you get stuck at a bad table, you can make embarrassing comments without getting stared at by the 68-year old Uncle Ted. Bring that friend that you suspect might be an alcoholic, but aren't sure. Or bring the groom's ex-girlfriend. They will deflect negative attention away from you when you start screaming at a 5-year old for spilling your drink or smoke pot in the back with the bride's brother who just got out of rehab. These are all normal parts of the wedding anyway.
The Downside: People might associate you with your disturbingly drunk friend. This isn't as bad as you think. The "He just broke up with a girl he was dating for 3 years" works absolutely every time when people get terribly drunk and need an excuse.
Side Note: If you are going to take advantage of the shortcomings of others, be sure to go all out. Bumming a 15-year old a cigarette or getting a double vodka cranberry for the ex-alcoholic Grandpa are encouraged and not ever looked down upon. Just plead ignorance.
4. Jokester
The Upside: There is no better place to show off your comedic skills than at a wedding. So slip the bride some ex-lax in her drink. Pay the minister $50 to say "You may now feel up the bride." Bring a hobo as your date. Trip the bride's dad as she's walking down the aisle. People love that shit. Just make sure you have a few drinks beforehand so you loosen up. Joke around with the groom "Whew--your wife's a virgin? That's ALOT of pressure! Am I right?" or "Good thing I loosened her up for ya buddy!" People love hearing these kind of jokes, especially on one of the most important days of their lives. You'll be known as "that asshole over there," but those people are just trying to be as funny as you. You know what? It's not working.
The Downside: For some reason, people that don't drink also don't laugh. These people are hard sells, but don't give up, they can be had. If a girl scoffs at a joke and starts talking to her friend, that just means "C'mon, that's the best you got?" Why no, actually, I can do much better. You also may have to explain some of the X-rated jokes to the youngsters who may not understand. Shaping the young minds at the wedding can be an added bonus and can give you a great feeling. Also, if attractive girls see you talking to kids they'll either think your a pedophile or a super-sensitive sexual entity.
Side Note: "If you weren't as stiff as my drink, I'd give you a stiff one back in the coat room." This is free material, ladies and gentlemen, use it to your advantage.
3. Iron Chef
The Upside: Free food is one of the cornerstones of any wedding. If you think the steak is a little undercooked, make sure you let the chef know about it by personally returning it with a note that says "This tastes like shit." The food industry is a harsh business, they better get used to it. If you don't like an appatizer, spit it out and put it back on the plate. Tell the bride's dad that he shouldn't have hired the McDonald's staff to cook for the wedding. Complain that there's no lobster or about the lobster. But, of course, enjoy it. Free food is a luxury that we rarely get to enjoy. So eat, but not too much to absorb the alcohol. That would just be stupid.
The Downside: Good food absorbs alcohol. Fuck that. Just drink more, you pussy. What, are you on a diet or something? Suck it up and eat your $40 steak with the champagne and side beer. Your at a wedding, not a church function.
Side Note: Bring a few doggy bags and take handfuls of appitizers home. You'll be eating pretty for at least a few days afterwards.
2. Super Duper Sex Romp
The Upside: Whether you believe "Wedding Crashers" or not, believe this: girls at a wedding are drunk and jealous. They won't admit it, but this leads them to being a little "easier" than in normal situations. You'd have to be asexual not to take advantage of this. Say stuff like "God, I'm so jealous of (Insert Groom's Name)!" or "You look prettier as a bridesmaid than she did as a bride." Try and lead the conversation to the bar whenever possible. Although this probably is coming off as bordering between "Extremely shallow" and "An Offense Punishable by Law," girls do that same thing, so don't feel bad. Women take advantage of men more than the Cubs take advantage of playing at Wrigley this year. So, take the opportunity at a wedding to get a few numbers, a hummer in the bathroom, and some sloppy, drunken sex. (Preferably all with different people)
The Downside: Um...your penis might get tired? Unless you have a girlfriend, wife, or life partner, there is no downside to this except for the obvious sexual risks such as STD's, pregnancy, and the dreaded calls that come the days later. No worries, that's why the "Ignore" button is on your cell phone. Also, why the hell are you giving her a real number? Moron. It doesn't matter, she wanted the same thing as you anyway. She's probably just calling because she forgot her earrings at your place. Still, don't answer. You don't want to take any risks.
Side Note: Vodka + Sweet Talk + Wedding + Looking Decent = Sex. It's a tried and true formula, folks. Works better than the Pythagorean Theorem. (Props to me for inserting a obscure math formula reference)
1. Speak Up
The Speech. Your biggest shot to leave your mark on the wedding. This will shape the entire wedding party's opinion of you, so make it good. Here's a "Good Speech" and a "Bad Speech." Trust me, I'm taking Public Speaking this summer.
Bad Speech: "I just can't believe how beautiful those two look together. When I first met Jane and Cody, they looked into each others like they were the only ones in the room. It was at that point, I knew they'd be together forever. If you asked me what love was, I would tell you to look at those two up there. They truly define the word. You found a great one pal and today, you're the luckiest guy in the room. Cheers." (Crickets...Yawning...Random guy screaming "You Suck!")
Good Speech: "I'm truly jealous of those two up there. You know what I mean people? God, I remember those nights in college where these two would keep the whole house up. Those two just couldn't keep their hands off each other. I mean...they were the last ones that showed up to the reception, what the hell do you think they were doing? You know? Ahh, anyways, I'm happy for this guy up there. I've known this guy for a long time, from the time freshmen year to the time we did ecstacy two weeks ago and he jerked off to a WNBA game for the entire second half! (At this point, people may try and get the mic from you. Ignore them, they are jealous of your speaking ability) But, I mean, c'mon, this guy's in love. I mean, he won't even drink and drive anymore because of that girl. And look at her. She's a knockout. Am I right? Huh? (Give the "You know what I'm saying elbow" to the person next to you. Body gestures are important.) If he wasn't marryin' her, I'd definitely try and get some of that fine action. (Point to random male relative) THAT MOTHERFUCKER KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT HERE!!! Anyways, good luck you guys, you're gonna make (Insert name of a slut present) look like a prude in Hawaii this weekend. Enjoy marriage, guys. (Look for your drink) Damn, I need another drink." (Set mic down on table and walk towards bar as the reception hall erupts in applause)
Side Note: Don't be afraid to use profanity. Normal people wouldn't use it in a wedding speech, but who the fuck wants their wedding speech to be normal? People may not like my "good speech" but they'll sure as hell remember it. The "bad speech"? Yeah, people will "ooo" and "ahhh" but they won't remember a word. Fuck that.
So take my advice and you should have a pretty good wedding season. Remember kiddies, never conform to social rules that you don't agree with. So be an asshole, chances are most people will be too drunk to remember you were even there. Keep enjoying summer and I will be back soon enough to spread my vast array of knowledge throughout the internet. Until then, try and take some advice from this speech, in which the best man tries to prove the groom is gay for the entire speech. Comic genius, at its best.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Summer Movie Preview
Since it's already June 17, I decided I might as well through in my usual movie column to help you out this summer on what you should be seeing. So take a break from laying by the pool and loitering around the fair, or whatever you kids do nowadays, and get to the theater. Here are 6 Must-See Summer Movies. WARNING: Missing any of these movies will result in loss of your manhood. Or, if your a woman, your sex drive. Also, those found with ticket stubs for "The Love Guru" will be sentenced to death by drawn and quartering. That is all.
6. Step Brothers
Release Date: July 25th, 2008
Why You Should See It: After branching out from the disastrous sports movies, we'll give Farrell one last chance. I'm not quite sure how I feel about the trailer but I have to think that John C Reilly and Farrell will work together better in this than in Talladega Nights. With Anchorman 2 confirmed to be in the works, Farrell needs a hit before it that could help not only the revenue for upcoming movies, but his career, which is dire need of a hit. He does have a few comedies to contend with though, so we'll see.
Trailer:
5. Tropic Thunder
Release Date: August 15, 2008
Why You Should See It? Because you have Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr., and a few other stars with smaller roles, all paired together. The premise is basically all these guys are actors and doing a terrible job with their current war movie project, so the director puts them in a real war zone which the actors are completely unaware of. Plus, Downey Jr. plays a black man and, with the R rating this film has received, is bound to strike comedic gold. From the trailer, I'm not sure how they could screw this one up. But Stiller and Black need it, bad.
Trailer:
4. WALL-E
Release Date: June 27th, 2008
Why You Should See It? I know what your thinking: "Mike, this is an animated kids movie." Well, fuck you. The buzz around this one is that its the best Pixar offering yet, even better than the gems Finding Nemo and Ratatoille. From the looks of the trailer, it looks pretty damn good. The new age of animated movies are for everyone, not just kids anymore. Pixar has set the bar and its time for you to get in the game and reserve your seat. Besides, are you going to go see that new Will Smith garbage Hancock instead? Because if you do, your a communist.
Trailer:
3. Burn After Reading
Release Date: September 12th, 2008
Why You Should See It? Have you seen No Country for Old Men? If you answered no, please report to the lethal injection line. After the epic thriller that won Best Picture, the Coen's next movie (which stars Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and John Malkovich) is a dark spy comedy. If you liked other Coen comedies such as The Big Lebowski or Fargo, then this is pretty much a guaranteed must-see. With Pitt and Clooney, along with the buzz from "No Country", this will be a pretty big moneymaker. And a pretty damn good one, at that.
Trailer:
2. Pineapple Express
Release Date: August 8th, 2008
Why You Should See It? At this point, pretty much anything Seth Rogen touches turn to gold. Just from the trailer, it already looks like his best. Along with James Franco, Rogen is a stoner on the run after witnessing a murder. Pretty much everything from the trailer screams "If this movie were a person, I'd fuck it really hard. Even if it was a guy." Franco looks like a comedic star in the making, playing an uber-stoned drug dealer. I really don't know how they could screw this one up, and I'm pretty sure they didn't. The trailer is so good, my friend wrote his senior thesis paper on it. This just might be the best comedy Rogen & Co. have released yet.
Trailer:
1. The Dark Knight
Release Date: July 18th, 2008
Why You Should See It? Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe because it looks more badass than any other movie ever made. I'm ready to give Heath Ledger an Oscar just from the trailer, which will shed his image as the "gay cowboy." After ridding the franchise of its only flaw (Katie Holmes) and adding what looks to be the best Joker character yet, along with an appearance of Two-Face, who looks extremely fucked up, the movie is shaping up to be one the biggest summer movies of all time, and one of the best. I mean, you have Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, and a shitload more names and faces going at in this one. This. Looks. Epic.
Trailer:
So get out to the theaters to see all these movies and you will be guaranteed entertainment. Sorry for the shorter post this time, but I'd thought I'd give you a little extra blogging here. I'll be back with a real blog post before you know it. Until then, keep enjoying the summer, the blog, and the vast amounts of sexual energy. Adios, yo.
6. Step Brothers
Release Date: July 25th, 2008
Why You Should See It: After branching out from the disastrous sports movies, we'll give Farrell one last chance. I'm not quite sure how I feel about the trailer but I have to think that John C Reilly and Farrell will work together better in this than in Talladega Nights. With Anchorman 2 confirmed to be in the works, Farrell needs a hit before it that could help not only the revenue for upcoming movies, but his career, which is dire need of a hit. He does have a few comedies to contend with though, so we'll see.
Trailer:
5. Tropic Thunder
Release Date: August 15, 2008
Why You Should See It? Because you have Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr., and a few other stars with smaller roles, all paired together. The premise is basically all these guys are actors and doing a terrible job with their current war movie project, so the director puts them in a real war zone which the actors are completely unaware of. Plus, Downey Jr. plays a black man and, with the R rating this film has received, is bound to strike comedic gold. From the trailer, I'm not sure how they could screw this one up. But Stiller and Black need it, bad.
Trailer:
4. WALL-E
Release Date: June 27th, 2008
Why You Should See It? I know what your thinking: "Mike, this is an animated kids movie." Well, fuck you. The buzz around this one is that its the best Pixar offering yet, even better than the gems Finding Nemo and Ratatoille. From the looks of the trailer, it looks pretty damn good. The new age of animated movies are for everyone, not just kids anymore. Pixar has set the bar and its time for you to get in the game and reserve your seat. Besides, are you going to go see that new Will Smith garbage Hancock instead? Because if you do, your a communist.
Trailer:
3. Burn After Reading
Release Date: September 12th, 2008
Why You Should See It? Have you seen No Country for Old Men? If you answered no, please report to the lethal injection line. After the epic thriller that won Best Picture, the Coen's next movie (which stars Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and John Malkovich) is a dark spy comedy. If you liked other Coen comedies such as The Big Lebowski or Fargo, then this is pretty much a guaranteed must-see. With Pitt and Clooney, along with the buzz from "No Country", this will be a pretty big moneymaker. And a pretty damn good one, at that.
Trailer:
2. Pineapple Express
Release Date: August 8th, 2008
Why You Should See It? At this point, pretty much anything Seth Rogen touches turn to gold. Just from the trailer, it already looks like his best. Along with James Franco, Rogen is a stoner on the run after witnessing a murder. Pretty much everything from the trailer screams "If this movie were a person, I'd fuck it really hard. Even if it was a guy." Franco looks like a comedic star in the making, playing an uber-stoned drug dealer. I really don't know how they could screw this one up, and I'm pretty sure they didn't. The trailer is so good, my friend wrote his senior thesis paper on it. This just might be the best comedy Rogen & Co. have released yet.
Trailer:
1. The Dark Knight
Release Date: July 18th, 2008
Why You Should See It? Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe because it looks more badass than any other movie ever made. I'm ready to give Heath Ledger an Oscar just from the trailer, which will shed his image as the "gay cowboy." After ridding the franchise of its only flaw (Katie Holmes) and adding what looks to be the best Joker character yet, along with an appearance of Two-Face, who looks extremely fucked up, the movie is shaping up to be one the biggest summer movies of all time, and one of the best. I mean, you have Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, and a shitload more names and faces going at in this one. This. Looks. Epic.
Trailer:
So get out to the theaters to see all these movies and you will be guaranteed entertainment. Sorry for the shorter post this time, but I'd thought I'd give you a little extra blogging here. I'll be back with a real blog post before you know it. Until then, keep enjoying the summer, the blog, and the vast amounts of sexual energy. Adios, yo.
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