Give Ireland Back to the Irish

Everyone needs to hold on to something. It's what gives people hope and the strength to endure. Somethings aren't too great to hold on to though. For instance, you wouldn't want to hang onto a drug habit or an amputee prostitute habit. Same goes with certain greedy land hungry countries. So today I'll let you know the worst of the worst in the 6 Colonized Areas That Should Just Be Given Independence.

french guyana, nireland
6. Kaliningrad Oblast
Colonized By: Russia
Why It Needs Independence? Kaliningrad is a small land mass sandwhiched between Lithuania and Poland. The land isn't connected at all to Russia. It is mainly used as a strategic military location for the Russian army. So who should get it? Why Lithuania, of course. The land originally was supposed to be given to Lithuania by the Soviet Union but was never finalized. Then the Soviet Union dissolved and they wanted it real bad. So the rest is history and the Russians are still douchebags. Somethings never do change. Anyone under Russian rule needs independence since they only have a facade of it.
Here's a socialist video of Kaliningrad. If nothing else, read the comments on the original Youtube page by double clickin' on the video:


5. Greenland
Colonized By: Denmark
Why It Needs Independence? Although there are only 57,000 people living in Greenland. There actually will be a vote or something, it's pretty vague, on what to do with the land later this year. Quite simply though, what could Denmark possibly provide for Greenland? Numerous countries have claimed land in Greenland for some reason, just because. Besides, think about it. What have the Danish ever done for the world? Anybody? Besides, instead of Greenland inhabitants having to say they are "Danish", wouldn't it be way cooler/funnier/ridiculouser if they called themselves "Greenish"? Tell me you think otherwise and your lying.
Here's a rather nice video of Greenland, which looks pretty beautiful.



4. 4. Norther Cyprus
Colonized By: Turkey
Why it Needs Independence? After a coup by Greece some time ago, Turkey intervened to help stop it. After that, Turkey has recognized the independence of Northern Cyprus. Too bad nobody else does in the entire world. In fact, it's one of the main reasons Turkey has been denied EU membership. It seems like the only reason Turkey is hanging onto it so fiercly is to piss off the Greeks. Besides, any country named after a food has to have some issues. It seems ridiculous that Turkey would hold on to this territory despite it causing economic and social downturn by denying them EU membership. Guess Turkey just needs that stuffing on the side.
You know me, I can't resist those videos. Here's a North Cyprus tourism video.


3. French Guyana
Colonized By: France
Why It Needs Independence? This territory is actually in South America, bordering on Suriname and Brazil in the very Northeastern part of the island. It's actually considered part of the European Union and uses the Euro. It's a very diversified nation that thrives on primitive economic means. Guyana is in South America, France is in Europe. What the hell? Why, oh why, can't France just let this South American country be South American and let it fail on its own (i.e., every country in Africa). Unfortunately for French Guyana, the French fight hard to keep the things the have. And if you can't sense the sarcasm in that statement, please go open a history book.
Here's a video of someone landing in French Guyana, which has absolutely nothing to do with this blog post:


2. Hong Kong
Colonized By: Communist Chinese bastards
Why it needs independence?? Well, as small as Hong Kong is, they are more than capable of maintaining their own economy, government , and social services. There are more than 6 million people, which is more than alot of countries, and they have the 6th highest per capita earnings in the world. That would make it higher than almost 200 countries. And Hong Kong isn't even a country. The completely callously communist Chinese know that Hong Kong is valuable so they will never let it go. On all other lists of this sort, Hong Kong would be numero uno. But since i am extremely biased and unrelenting against the British, the much deserving of their independence territory of Hong Kong comes in at numero two.
Here;s someone's trip to Hong Kong. Whatever:


1. Northern Ireland
Colonized By: Arrogant British pricks
Why it needs independence? Where should I start? How bout because it's on the island of Ireland? The British decided, once Ireland finally gained their rightful independence from Britain, that they still wanted some of the island just to be spiteful. So they took a small portion in the north of the island. Well, if you didn't know, numerous Irish terrorist groups set up shop there because of their anger towards the British. The British held thousands without warrants or trials for years and only hundreds were ever found guilty. Thousands of people died on both the Irish and British sides. Violence and animosity was occuring almost daily. It has successfully destroyed relations between the two countries. The only reason people of N. Ireland vote to stay in Britain is because of the economic advantages and because they don't respect their heritage and because they are worse than the British in every possible respect, as they have given up their want of independence from the British douchebags that have ruined so many countries like Israel, India, Iraq, numerous Pacific islands, Laos, and numerous African countries, not to mention many more. God save the Queen? How bout God destroys Britain and puts it underwater.
Whew, I may have gotten carried away there.
Here's an example of the British atrocities committed in Northern Ireland:


Sorry for the gap between blogs but life has kept me busy. I'll try to be more up to date and better use my time for the good of spreading what I know as the truth. Until next time, make sure British people know that you hate them. If you don't, then you really should find a reason too. I mean, c'mon, many of your ancestors fought against them for this great country's independence. Think about it. Au revoir. And I leave you with a song from Paul McCartney created just because of Northern Ireland and wouldn't you know it was banned in England.

He's Not Much Of A Joker

After Heath Ledger's shocking death this week, the first thing that went through people's minds was probably "Will this affect the new Batman movie?!?!" As sad as that is, it's only natural. From the previews, he looks like he poured a lot of himself into the role and, dare I say it, it may have killed him. That's no joke(r). (Too soon?) Anyways, many other people have died while promoting movies or after great performances. Some have even been nominated for Academy Awards after their death. Although it's bittersweet, it's better than nothing, I suppose. So here you are the 6 After-Death Academy Award Nominations and their Subtle Irony.

Jeanne Eagels for The Letter (1929)
Award: Nominated for Best Actress
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: The Letter was a French crime-drama about a woman who killed her husband and tried to convince the jury of her innocence. Eagels probably should have won the award but there is only one surviving copy of any of her films, this is it. In the end, she has to live with the always growing guilt of killing the man she loved. In reality, Eagels died of a bad (not sure if there's "good") combination of heroin and alcohol. So, it's not THAT ironic but still, there's a little something there. Or is that a bit of a stretch? Give me a break, she died 80 years ago.
Here is the lovely Mrs. Eagels. No wonder they called it THE letter, Jeanne is a Must "C". (Get it?) Wow, even I'm shaking my head thinking "Wow, Mike, Just Wow."


James Dean for East of Eden (1955) AND Giant (1956)
Award: Nominated Twice for Best Actor
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: Dean's tragic death at the age of 24 was a terrible car accident. After a head on collison in his Porsche, Dean was still nominated TWICE, the only person ever to do so. Dean was a hard drug and alcohol user on the set of the movie. Although he wasn't high/drunk at the time, Dean was notorious for his crazy driving. The irony in his death does not lie within his 2 Academy Award nominated films. He was only in 3 movies and the one he wasn't nominated for, Rebel Without a Cause, featured a "chicken race" in which the other character died.
Dean would end up being the one who got plucked. Let the bad puns continue.
Here's a little "Jimmy D" tribute video to the ever appropriate "You Sexy Thing" by Marvin Gaye.


Spencer Tracy for Guess Who's Coming To Dinner (1967)
Award: Best Actor
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: Tracy is tied with Laurence Olivier for the most nominations ever, with 9, so it's not that surprising that he got a posthumunous nomination. His death wasn't that ironic, since he was dying during filming. His friend Katherine Hepburn (who won Best Actress for this film) and him knew, during the filming of the last scene, that it would be their last line on film ever. The tears they cried were genuine as genuine gets. Hepburn never watched the film, as it was too painful. The only real irony in his death is that Tracy would NOT be the one coming to dinner. I'm on a roll, play me off Johnny.
Here's a little video compilation of Hepburn and Tracy together, which will only remind you of one thing: you will never get within 10 feet of anyone as attractive as Hepburn (especially if your reading my blog) and Tracy got to sleep with her.


Peter Finch for Network (1976)
Award: Won Best Actor, the only Actor/Actress to WIN a posthumunous Oscar
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: Finch's character, Howard Beale, in the movie dealt with depression and insanity. He was told he would be fired in two weeks, then on air announced he would kill himself on the air within a week. He's later given his own segment to rant about the meaninglessness after ratings skyrocket, but once his ratings decline, he's murdered on air by the television studio. Is THAT ironic? Finch died roughly a month after the movie Network was released, almost like the film killed him itself! What studio couldn't "network" that into an Oscar win? HA!
Here's the most famous scene from the movie in which Finch's character announces he's "MAD AS HELL AND I"M NOT GONNA TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" It's actually pretty damn funny, since Finch didn't have to "take this" anymore once he died. (Yeah, that might have been in bad taste)



Ralph Richardson for Greystroke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes (1984)
Award: Nominated for Best Supporting Actor
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: How about this? Richardson played a character "The 6th Earl of Greystroke" then died of A STROKE a few months later. Even though I'm one of the only people on Earth that would even chuckle at that, it's still semi-ironic. Even more subtle is that his character was trying to convert an outcast into a different society, much like he was attempting to convert himself from a stage actor to a film actor. Other than that, I got nothing here.
There were really no relevant videos or worthy pictures, so here is a cartoon Tarzan.


Massimo Troisi for Il Postino (1995) (The Postman)
Award: Nominated for Best Actor
The Oh-So-Subtle Irony: Troisi actually put off his heart operation to finish this film. He died the DAY after filming the movie of a massive heart attack. He is killed in the film while trying to recite poetry to his love interest. In reality, he died trying to put poetry onto film. Please don't confuse this film with Kevin Costner's garbage film The Postman, as that would only be ironic in that while this film killed Troisi, Costner's film made me want to kill myself. Troisi's stubborn sacrifice for the film was a true example of dedication. Troisi truly "delivered" for this film. It's just too bad it got there just before his "deadline" on life.
Here's a nice little clip from the movie. No more puns, I promise. I wouldn't want to FedEx another bad line out there into cyberspace.


Now that you've heard enough of my bad puns and untasteful jokes, you can take a break from reading my blog for a little while. I'll be sure to grace you with my presence soon enough. Besides, this is some pretty important information your taking in here when you read this blog. What would you do without knowing this stuff? It's excellent part talk and very good to use as an icebreaker. "Hey, did you know Peter Finch is the only actor to win a posthumunous Oscar?" "No" "Well, I didn't until I just looked into your eyes."
Gold, baby, pure gold.

Swing and a Miscast

Some actors were made for the roles that they play. Jack Nicholson in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", Peter O'Toole in "Lawrence of Arabia", or Sean Connery as James Bond. Others, however, make it a little harder to suspend your disbelief. Could you imagine Forest Whitaker, a big black man, playing the role of Sawyer on Lost? Or Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones? Both were casted to these roles but were scratched at the very last minute. Some actors, though, were just not meant for roles they were casted in at all. So here, in this very blog, I will tell you the 6 Most Miscasted Roles in Movie History. Trust me, I'm the right man for this role.

6. Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code (2006)
Unfortunate Role: Super-Professor Robert Langdon
What's the Problem, Mike? If you've read the book and seen the movie, then you know what I'm talking about. Tom Hanks virtually brings nothing of the character from the book to the movie. Other actors that were considered for the role, such as George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, and Russell Crowe, are much more versatile actors than Hanks, who for some reason gives the Motion Picture Academy a stiffy every time he goes on screen. He plays the role of Langdon, especially in his scenes with Sophie, the hot-French "actress", with such a lack of enthusiasm it's impossible to get enthusiastic about it while watching Hanks fumble around the screen like a deer in the headlights.
Here's a scene from the movie that makes you wonder if Tom Hanks even read the book.


5. Denise Richards in The World Is Not Enough
Unfortunate Role: Nuclear Scientist Christmas Jones
What's the Problem, Mike? Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist makes about as much sense as Jenna Jameson playing a virgin nun. Never mind the cringing double entendres ("I thought Christmas comes only once a year"), nuclear scientists usually don't run around in skimpy tank tops. Also, Denise Richards doesn't seem very suited for a role of a character with any notable intelligence. Let's just say there's no Academy Awards in her future, unless she sleeps with the Academy. This nuclear scientist certainly made this film a large bomb.
Thankfully, Christmas only came once: 007 X-Mas

4. Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Theives (1991)
Unfortunate Role: Robin Hood, who's apparently the Prince of Theives, which doesn't sound too flattering
What's the Problem, Mike? The movie, also starring movie greats Morgan Freeman and Alan Rickman, is not that bad. However, when your character has a British accent, you really should talk like a British person. Costner just couldn't keep the accent going, as it went in and out through the entire film. When he does try it, it sounds like a drunk New Yorker stepping on a duck. I mean Cary Elwes plays a better Robin Hood in the spoofer flick Men in Tights.
Here's Costner "attempting" to convince you he's a British superhero, which is kind of an oxymoron.


3. Colin Ferrell and Angelina Jolie in Alexander (2004)
Unfortunate Role: Alexander the Great, King of Macedon and Jolie as his mother, Olympias
What's the Problem, Mike? Let's see you have a chain-smoking Irishman playing a Ancient Greek warrior king. Apparently, he has blonde hair, which makes Colin Farrell look even less Greek. Alexander was undefeated in battle and conquered most of the world known to Greece, yet Farrell plays Alexander like a raging homosexual pussy. Not to mention his accent sounds more British than anything resembling Greek or Latin. Jolie is cast as his mother even though she's not even a year older than Farrell. It's much more likely Alexander was a dark-skinned, dark-haired, ruthless lewd badass bisexual king. It didn't help that the movie was directed by Oliver Stone, who loves to throw in his own interpretations of history.
Here's Colin Farrell's character exploring his sexuality:


2. Sofia Coppola in The Godfather, Part III (1990)
Unfortunate Role: Mary Corleone, Michael Corleone's (Al Pacino) daughter
What's the Problem, Mike? It may be a little unfair to criticize Sofia, as she was thrust into the role at the last minute because Winona Ryder dropped out to do Edward Scissorhands. Lost in Translation, which she directed, is a great film. However, her performance in this movie may be one of the most cringe-worthy performances ever delivered on screen. Even the most simple scenes she's in makes the viewer hope Al Pacino just whips out a Uzi and unloads the clip into Sofia. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if they re-casted Sofia's role, the movie would not be so ostracized from the other two Godfathers. Sofia, a pretty good film-maker, is just a terrible film-actor. Her scenes are so bad it's a wonder they didn't include clips of WNBA basketball instead of her scenes. Since, I couldn't find any scenes of her on Youtube, and I must overcrowd my blog with video clips, I included a much more watchable clip of the St. Louis University's basketball team scoring 20 points in an entire game:



1. John Wayne in The Conquerer (1956)
Unfortunate Role: Genghis Khan
What's the Problem, Mike? Well, I don't know. Genghis Khan was born in Mongolia while John Wayne was born in Iowa. The director of the movie even thought the idea was ridiculous but "couldn't say no to John Wayne." Then you have the cowboy trying to play the Mongol warrior, attempting an accent, but nooone's sure what one. Wayne's Fu-Manchu mustache is just unintentionally hilarious in every way. This movie really was a career killer, not for Wayne, but for numerous people involved in the film who succumbed to radiation poisoning because they filmed in the nuclear contaminated Utah desert. So many bad decisions surround this movie that it's like driving backwards drunk on the highway during rush hour. John Wayne, cowboy and war hero, as a Mongolian Emperor. John Wayne as Genghis Khan. Just try to picture it. Or, if you can't, Youtube can for you. Perhaps the most unintentionally hilarious role of all time. Please god, I dare you not to laugh.



I hope you didn't cringe in pain too much from these terribly awful, sometimes funny, miscasting of roles. Contrary to popular belief, my blog will not be recasted as a Chinese game show review website, although I may write about that one day. Just remember you young filmmakers out there, when writing your screenplay make sure your characters cannot be played by Keanu Reeves. Anyways, until next time, I wish you good fortune and total consciousness on your death bed. So you've got that going for you. Which is nice.

A Year In Review

Everywhere you look you can find "Best of 2007" and "Worst of 2007" lists. Filled with Britney, Lindsay, Patriots, and Red Sox. So, in light of all these lists that mean absolutely nothing, I am taking the "Year in Review" back for you. You JUST lived 2007, why do you need a list for it? F that in the A, good sirs and madams. I'm going to give you a Year in Review. It's not going to be for 2007 though. Since I was born in 1986, I'm going to review that year. Besides, without that year you wouldn't be reading this, would you? So here it is Year in Review: 1986.

43rd Best Song: Oran "Juice" Jones, "The Rain"
(You want the #1 Song? Go watch VH1) Oran Jones EXPLODED (BOOM!) onto the music scene with his hit "The Rain" that I'd never heard until I looked it up on Youtube. To be honest, I just pounded the number pad on my keyboard and 43 showed up. So, if you think that Oran should have changed his first name to Orange like me, have a gander at a music video/song that will make you remember the first time you were cheated on. Or, if your like me, the 84th time a girl laughed at your sexual advances and walked away with another guy. However, please at least fast forward to 2:30 to hear an unintentionally hilarious moment as Oran has prepared Hot Chocolate.


2nd Best Sports Movie of 1986: Karate Kid, Part II (Hoosiers definitely number 1)
In one of the best karate movie frachises of all time, The Karate Kid Part II (taking place in Japan) made an impressive $151 million in theaters domestically. Mr. Miyagi, reprising his role as the best youth karate instructor of all time, goes home to see his dying dad and Danny fights his enemy. Miyagi also fights. They both win. In other news, Japanese is a funny sounding language, especially when white people try to speak it. (What? No good? My blog is always racist, get over it.) P.S. 3 Ninjas is better.
Here's Mr. Miyagi crying. Poor guy.



Most Important TV Debut of 1986: ALF
What, you didn't like/have never seen ALF? COMMUNIST! How can you go wrong with an 300 year old-Alien Life Form (A.L.F.) crash landing in a suburban family's garage and thus, living there for the duration of the hilarious TV series. Oh, Alf and his "adoptive" family would get into all kinds of hijinks! These hilarious hijinks were, but not limited to, ALF getting a gambling problem, ALF joining a monestary, ALF getting the hiccups, ALF hosting the Tonight Show, ALF becoming addicted to cotton, and ALF looking for buried treasure! How innovative! The fact that you are still reading and not on Amazon.com buying the DVDs make me sick to my stomach. Absolutely sick, you people. For shame.
Here is ALF, rocking out with his...well, whatever his species has for a reproductive organ out.


Crazy, Obscure Event Nobody Remembers or Ever Heard Of: Mordechai Vanunu
Vanunu was a nuclear plant technician in Israel in the late 70s. He was fired in 1985 from the plant, that was, unknowingly to the world, producing nuclear weapons. Later on, he went to London and gave an interview (even though he signed a silence agreement of some sort) exposing the facility and even providing pictures of it. A Mossad (kind of like CIA) agent disguised herself as an American tourist in Rome and persuaded him to come on holiday with her. In Rome, he was later drugged and kidnapped by the Israeli army, sending him back to Israel on a freighter. Vanunu was convicted of treason and espionage, and put in solitary confinement for the next 16 years. He was released, has been arrested 4 times since, and is now an esteemed member of the University of Glasgow staff.
here's an antisemetic video. i wouldn't watch but you can, i guess:


2 Signs of the Coming Apocolypse from 1986: Oprah's first show airs and Reagan casually exchanges arms to Iran for cash to fund the overthrowing of the Nicaraguan government, which was a large threat to our national security. (Hint: I'm being sarcastic)
Although I'm not sure which event was worse, Oprah arrived on the scene with a huge bang, although I think that was just her sitting down. 22 years later she is still on the air influencing women the world over and has more power than any government leader in the world. Soon, Oprah will precede to buy the whole continent of Africa and feed them. Once Africa returns to a semblence of normalcy, they will be really, really, really pissed off at the rest of the world for ignoring them and fucking them up, and World War 3 will start with Oprah in command of the African army as they easily charge through India, China, Russia, Europe, South America, and North America. White people, in a not-so-funny ironic sort of thing, will then become black people's slaves. This will all happen in 2012, the year after Oprah's show is done and the year the Mayans (correctly, in this case) predicted the apocolypse. Iran, still using the weapons from Reagon, will be the only country in the world to side with the Oprah-African Army. Everyone will be forced to either convert to Islam and become a slave or not convert and be forced to suicide bomb your family's house while they are home.
Whew, I blackedout, what just happened.
Here is a video compilation of Oprah in Africa during Christmas. Just building up that army, I tell you. You wait and see, you'll think "Wow, I can't believe that blog I accidently stumbled onto 4 years ago was actually right." Well, hopefully I won't be.


Wow, 1986 was a happening year if I do say so myself. However, I haven't mentioned the event more important than the signs of apocolypse: July 2, 1986 at 11:29 am in Des Plaines, Il, I was cast into the world to spread good cheer and happiness throughout the land. I have yet to acheive my goal, but I'm getting there. Until next time, where I will return with a hopefully-less-ridiculous blog, I bid you adieu and good tidings for the new year.

Hidden Deep Inside

Musicians take drugs. Sometimes they write songs about them. Sometimes you don't realize your listening to a song about drugs. Here are 6 Songs About Drugs You Didn't Know Were About Drugs. Please put the bong down for the following post. Leave the vials in the trash kiddies.

6. "Black Balloon" by The Goo Goo Dolls
Drug Referenced: Heroin
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "Baby's black balloon makes her fly." "Comin down, the world turned over." "And I go on as you get colder."
According to the band, the song is about a girl suffering from heroin addiction. Her "black balloon" is her heroin stash, as heroin often comes in balloons. Getting colder and coming down are two notorious symptoms of heroin withdrawl. The song is actually a very sad one and is an ode to one of the band members' former love who died of an heroin overdose. Here is the video with some vague references to drug use if you look closely:


6. "Yellow" by Coldplay
Drug Referenced: Ecstacy
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done, And it was all "Yellow."" "I drew a line, I drew a line for you, Oh what a thing to do"
Coldplay's lead singer Chris Martin and the band may not directly admit this song is about drugs, but let me break it down for you. Ecstacy tablets come in different colors sometimes, including yellow. Although it may sound like a reach here, the "Drew a Line" lyric is very telling, almost as if he's "drawing the line" on drug addiction. The first lyric also indicates some sort of drug use. Believe it or not, I'm right. So there.


4. "Space Oddity" by David Bowie
Drug Referenced: Heroin
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "Take your protein pills and put your helmet on." "And Im floating in a most peculiar way, And the stars look very different today." "Here am I floating round my tin can."
The hidden meaning behind the song has to do with self-destruction and isolation from the world, which is what happens when you become a drug addict. The whole song is a "bad trip" through space that the astronaut is having so far detachted from the world. The man takes the pills and then feels peculiar and floating, looking at the world in a very different way. He's looking at the stars high or looking at them sober for the first time in a long time. Give it a listen and tell me I'm wrong:


3. "Hotel California" by The Eagles
Drug Referenced: Marijuana, Cocaine
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air." "The stab it with their steely knives, But they just can’t kill the beast." "You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave."
Although The Eagles have never admitted what the song is about, good musicians never reveal the meaning behind their lyrics. The song, which I speculate is a referance to drug rehab, mentions "colitas" which is Spanish slang for marijuana. "Steely knives that can't kill the beast" refers to the cutting of cocaine before snorting it. The whole Hotel is a metaphor for drug rehab and the reputation that comes with addiction. You can check out of rehab anytime, but you bring your reputation with you wherever you go. You never really "leave" rehab once your an addict, the rest of your life is about getting clean.


2. "Champagne Supernova" by Oasis
Drug Referenced: Vague, possibly Marijuana or a psychadelic
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "Where were you when we were getting high?" "Caught beneath the landslide."
The lyrics speak for themselves. He wants to know where his love was when he was getting high. A "champagne supernova" could be another term for a "bad trip" or a euphoric state of mind. Although the drugs are not mentioned in even the vaguest sense, it's quite obvious: one of the Gallagher brothers that wrote this song was getting high and drinking champagne. The writer of the song, Noel Gallagher, said he doesn't know what the song was about, which basically means it's about drugs.


1. "There She Goes" by The La's (covered by Sixpence None the Richer)
Drug Referenced: Heroin
Telling Lyrics/Song Origins: "There she goes again... racing through my brain... pulsing through my vein... no one else can heal my pain"
The La's popular romantic song is actually not so romantic at all. The song is a vague reference to heroin use and self-destruction. The singer is not pointing out that the girl is leaving, rather it's more of a "here we go again" reference and the "she" mentioned is actually heroin racing through the singer's brain and veins. Nothing else can heal my pain? C'mon, heroin is one of the most destructive and strongest painkillers known to man. There is no way to deny that this song, thought to be about a girl, is really about the smack. You know, the white fairy, tecata, the black tar, or the dynamite? Well, if you know all that slang, check into rehab because only an addict would know that many words for heroin. Which begs the question: how do i know them?
(i looked them up on google)
here's the Sixpence None the Richer version, as it's better than the La's, so you can actually hear the heroin references for yourself:


Hope you enjoyed. I'll return after the New Year to recap all the douchebaggery that occured. Until then, Happy New Year!

Shedding Some Light Weight

In our weight-obsessed culture full of fad diets and obesely disgusting people, Hollywood really knows how to pack it on or take it down a notch. Since most actors have personal trainers and cooks, it's not nearly as hard for them to slim down or get buff. However, for some roles, major changes are called for. Changes that will surely lead to health problems later in life. Here it is, Top 7 Weight Changes for a Film.

7. Edward Norton for American History X (1998)
Weight Gained/Lost: Gained 30 lbs of muscle in 3 months
How'd he do it? For 3 months straight, Norton lifted weights and went on the tasty diet of protein and blended meat shakes, which consist of blended roast beef. Yummy. He also shaved his head and picked up white supremicist habits to be more believable. It worked. He was nominated for an Academy Award for the role, which remains one of the most chilling pieces of acting put on screen in the last 20 years.
Don't believe me or haven't seen it? Check out this clip which can only be described as "haunting":


6. Sylvester Stallone for Cop Land (1997)
Weight Gained/Lost: 40 lbs of fat in about 4-5 months
How'd He Do It? Stallone, who was only paid the minumum for an actor for this role, hung out at a local pancake house and dieted on their giant pancakes to beef up his body for the role of, and here's a shocker, a fat cop. Stallone shocked the world by trying to act but didn't shock anyone when he failed. Not one of his better movies, Stallone should stick to playing renegade heroes and boxing champs that don't require much dialogue.
You can see Stallone's unusually fat ass in this terrible clip:


5. Matt Damon for Courage Under Fire (1996)
Weight Gained/Lost: Lost 40 lbs during making of the film
How'd He Do It? Damon went on a very unhealthy regimen of food deprivation coupled with heavy workouts. In fact, Damon's health was so bad after that he was on constant medical supervision for months after shooting the film. His role in Courage Under Fire, a extremely poor man's Rashoman, which I'm sure you've never heard of, mixed with a little Blackhawk Down, impressed many, including Francis Ford Coppola, director of The Godfather, who casted Damon in his next movie. However, Damon was very lucky his heart didn't shrink and had to take medication for years to correct the damage done.
Losing weight is very healthy in most cases but, in Damon's case, borderline insane. Here is Damon looking deathly thin:

4. Robert DeNiro for Raging Bull (1980)
Weight Gained/Lost: Put on 60 lbs of muscle during filming
How'd He Do It? For DeNiro's best (arguably) performence of his career, he trained with real boxing trainers and hung out with the real Jake Lamotta (whom he was portraying) during the entire shoot of the movie. DeNiro actually fought in 2 real boxing matches and won both. He was rightfully awarded an Academy Award for Best Actor.
DeNiro's performence is nearly flawless and even shocked the real Jake Lamotta who, after watching the movie, asked his wife if he was really like that, to which she replied "You were worse." Glad I didn't live in that house. Here is a pretty telling scene from the movie:


3. Jared Leto for Chapter 27 (2007)
Weight Gained/Lost: Gained 67 lbs in 3-4 Months
How'd He Do It? To play John Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman, Leto went on a diet that we can only dream of getting away with in reality. To start, he put pints of chocolate Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream in the microwave, melted them, and DRANK THEM! He continued to do this but added olive oil and soy sauce to make himself more bloated. Are you kidding me? He's a vegetarian so he couldn't eat meat but has already lost the weight on an all-liquid diet consisting of maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and water.
He also lost 28 lbs to play a heroin addict for Requiem for a Dream and couldn't have sex with then fiance Cameron Diaz for months. Ouch, talk about dedication. Here is Jared, but don't confuse him with Subway Jared:


2. Vincent D'Onofrio for Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Weight Gained/Lost: Gained 70 lbs of fat, a world record for an acting role
How'd He Do It? In addition to shaving his head, D'Onofrio put on the weight more gradually than most on the list, taking 7 months to secure the most unhealthy role of his career. I'm just going to assume he had a steady diet of junk food, fast food, and no exercise. He had to go through "boot camp"-type training at 280 lbs, messing up his knee. D'Onofrio's, that fat guy from one of the Law and Orders, was visually haunting, as well as terrifying. The role may have inadvertenly triggered a future of fatness instead of his slimmer athletic build he once had.
Here's his disturbing turn as Pvt. Pyle:


1. Christian Bale for The Machinist (2004), Batman Begins (2005) and Rescue Dawn (2006)
Weight Gained/Lost: Lost 63 lbs in 4 months for The Machinist, then gained 100 lbs of muscle in 6 months to play Batman. After that, he lost 55 lbs for his role in Rescue Dawn (2006) soon following Batman.
How'd He Do It? How indeed. For The Machinist, he trimmed down to 120 lbs, the weight of Barry Bonds' head, by eating only salads and apples, smoking cigarettes, chewing gum, and drinking nonfat lattees. He wanted to lose even more but the director, his doctor, and his wife all convinced him otherwise. Bale did not have any trainer of any kind to lose the weight, doing it all on his own. In order to gain the weight to play Batman, Bale underwent rigorous weight training and cardio workouts, as well as eating a shitload of protein along with other high-carbohydrate meals and protein shakes. After beefing up to 200 lbs, Bale accepted the role of captured fighter pilot Steve Jacoby in Rescue Dawn, which called for a 55 lb weight lost. The film was shot in reverse, as Bale gained the weight throughout shooting. If that isn't enough, he also needed to gain that back to star in the movies 3:10 To Yuma, The Prestige, and the new Batman Dark Knight.
Intense to the extreme, one can only hope all this weight loss and gain and loss and gain does not lead to an early death. His total weight fluctuation in the last 3 years is 275 lbs. Here are a few clips showing his weight loss and gain:


6 months later.....



And 1 Year Later.....



And 6 Months Later....



I hope you are not too disgusted with my recent column but now you know the sacrifices that some dedicated actors make to perfect their roles. I do not recommend any of the above. I will be back soon enough to give you another lovely column on something has means actually nothing to your daily life. Until then, adios, Merry Christmas, and, of course, Happy Kwanzaa for my minority readers!

Most Wonderful Time of the Year

As people rush to shopping malls and set up their Christmas decorations, they forget that not everyone in the world celebrates Christmas. Most overlook the fact that our beliefs are not universal. After reading this column, you will not be one of those people. Be informed. Be very informed. Here are
6 Religious Holidays Not Named Christmas.

6. Channukah
Celebrated By: Jews everywhere
When: 25th day of Kislev on the Hebrew Calender until 2nd day of Tevet
How's it Celebrated? The Jews set aside 8 days to celebrate the rededication of the Temple in Jerusalem. They only had enough olive oil to light the place for 1 day but it burned on for 8 days. Everyday during Hannukah, the Jews light a candle (one for each day) a half-hour after dark to remind all of the miracle of the holiday. Blessings are said, singing is done, and potato pancakes are eaten. If you really think the Jews aren't that into money, then know that the Jews hand out special Hannukah money to children, presumably so they don't have to share it with the Gentiles.
Here is Adam Sandler's famous Hannukah song if you haven't heard it enough:


5. Kwanzaa
Celebrated By: Disgruntled African-Americans who want their own holiday
When: December 26 until January 1
How's it Celebrated? Families decorate their houses with traditional African art and dressing in African colors. To quote the great Wikipedia: drumming and musical selections, libations, a reading of the "African Pledge" and the Principles of Blackness. Every day the first words said to each other are the Swahili words "Habari Gani", meaning "What's the News?". It is unknown if criminal activity is halted during the week, but doubtful.
Here is a video telling you why you should celebrate Kwanzaa. I suggest watching a Kanye West video instead:


4. Chinese New Year
Celebrated By: Chinese people. In China.
When: Different every year. February 7 in 2008.
How's it Celebrated? Well, the Chinese are a industrious people. They have fireworks, New Year markets, parades, greetings, and oh so much. They have traditional celebrations for the first 15 days of the New Year. Traditions include, but are not limited to: not believing in any god, privately owned businesses, repression of media, and forcibly aborting babies. Also, they have dinners with their families. No word on whether they hold ritual slaughters to celebrate communism.
Here is a Communist montage of the holiday:


3. Diwali
Celebrated By: Religiously by Hindus, Sihks, and Jains. Other Indians celebrate the cultural aspects.
When: 6 days beginning on Indian moon day Kartika. Usually in late October/early November
How's it Celebrated? On the first day, the cow is worshipped. On the second day, people shop for gold. The 3rd day is where it's at during Diwali. People wake up extra early to take an oil bath and put on new clothes. Then they light lamps and candles all around their house to pray to one of their spiritual figures. Then, fireworks are lit, meals are cooked, and parties are thrown. You haven't lived until you've partied with Hindus. Oh man, they can throw it down hard. The next three days are spent exchanging gifts with family and loved ones, as well as more praying and god-worshipping.
Here is a video of Indians dancing. It's actually pretty crazy. Thus, the name "Crazy Indian Music Video."


2. Vesak
Celebrated By: Buddhists!
When: First full moon in May
How's it Celebrated? Buddhists gather in their temples before dawn to pay homage to the Holy Triple Gem by singing and making offerings. They eat vegetarian food and refrain from any type of killing (even ants). In fact, they release all kinds of animals by the thousands to liberate them from captivity. Then they get to listen to monks quote Buddha sayings from 25 centuries ago! Buddhists are also encouraged to bring happiness to those unfortunate by giving them money and gifts. The holiday's main goal is to reinforce the commitment to living a noble life. Sounds really fun, doesnt it?
P.S. Buddhists are not allowed to drink. Ever.
There was absolutely no good/relevant videos for this holiday. So instead, I did the next best thing. A clip from the TV show "Norm" about a kid who thinks he's a Pokemon catcher. Enjoy or Don't:


1. Eid-al Adha
Celebrated By: Muslims a.k.a. Terrorists (Just JK'in Muslims, LOL!)
When: 10 Dhu al-Hijjah-13 Dhu al-Hijjah (Sometime in December of January) It actually just started as I'm writing this blog!
How's it Celebrated? To celebrate Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his son to Allah, Muslims dress in their finest clothing and go to a mosque. Then they sacrifice their best animal and if they don't have one, their firstborn child. A large portion of the animal or child's meat is given to the poor and the rest is cooked for the family. Then Muslims visit all their relations including friends and family throughout the 4 day period. I was kidding about the first born child.
Here is, without any censorship, the sacrificing of what looks like a baby cow for the festival. It actually is pretty graphic. So, you know, brace yourself.



Hope you enjoyed this blog on the holidays. I'll be back soon enough with an equally awesome blog with a little less blood. Now you know what these holidays are. Not sure if that means anything or if that makes good party/dinner/just talking whenever conversation but oh well. Hope you enjoyed regardless and Happy Holidays!