Things Better Than Drinking (OR "A Very Short List")

I've recently decided to take a break from drinking for a while, so although I'll need to derive inspiration from elsewhere, I will have an extremely clear head. As my liver cries tears of joy, I've come up with a short list here about things to do that are better than drinking. Obviously, this list won't be very long. 6 Activities that are Better than Drinking.

Beat a Superior Opponent in a Fight
Furry Vengeance
Why It's Better than Booze: Although fighting is usually caused by booze, sober brawls have been known to happen from time to time. Sometimes you may find yourself in a fight with a stronger, obviously superior individual. No worries. Just think about how good you'll feel about yourself if you win. And, more importantly, how the women around will feel about you. That's got to be better than drinking, right?

Attend a Nude Beach (or anywhere with nude women, really)
Or Any Beach in Brasil
Why It's Better than Booze: Besides all the dingle-dangle, nude beaches have to be a gas. Not just for the exposed boobies and beaver, but for the pure hilarity of ugly people with no shame. Also....there are boobs. ALL OVER THE PLACE. If heaven exists, it is an all-Brazilian girls and me nude beach. Just imagine....even playing volleyball would give you a boner. Think of the jumping!

Road Trip
Laugh, But He's Getting More Bitches than Me
Why It's Better than Booze: There's rarely a better feeling than saddling up with your buddies and hitting the open road. Granted, driving is pretty boring. But the adventure of just getting there and all the stops on the way have to be a fun time. The hijinks, the rocking out, the girlfriend giving you a handjob while your friends are asleep--does it get any better than that? I THINK NOT GOOD SIR!

Getting Friends Laid
Pictured: A Very, Very Good Friend
Why It's Better than Booze: It surely isn't as satisfying as getting yourself laid, but knowing you wingman'd a brother in need straight into a fresh vagina and/or penis is a wonderful feeling. Plus, unless they're a douche, they'll likely return the favor one day. Seeing how happy your friend is the next day after getting laid--especially if he was on a cold streak--is a thing more beautiful than the Mona Lisa and the statue of David put together.

Fuck Bitches, Get Money
Don't Learn The Hard Way Like Tiger Had To
Why It's Better than Booze: Getting money--either through accomplishment or gambling or whatever--is a great thing, maybe the best of things. After all, if you don't "get money" how will you pay for booze? Exactly, you won't. AND THEN YOU'LL BE SOBER FOREVER. So disregard females for a while and acquire currency. Then, when you can drink, you can get bottle service and look like a straight up PIMP.

Get Money, Fuck Bitches
Leo knows it: You're Paying for Sex, One Way or the Other
Why It's Better than Booze: After you've gotten the money, and you still can't or don't want to drink, it's time to get laid. That's right, getting laid is better than anything ever, even the best high or drunk you've ever felt. People claim that ecstacy and cocaine can be a better feeling, but these people are stupid. Sticking your penis into a vagina is the greatest feeling imaginable. This is why mountains have been moved, wars have been fought, strip clubs/prostitutes exist, and men strive for excellence--in the end, it's mostly for ass. So you can't drink? SO WHAT! Go find a willing vagina/butt to stick your penis in and get drunk of the moment.