The Whiskey Chronicles

Things Better Than Drinking (OR "A Very Short List")

2011-01-02T21:21:00.005-06:00

I've recently decided to take a break from drinking for a while, so although I'll need to derive inspiration from elsewhere, I will have an extremely clear head. As my liver cries tears of joy, I've come up with a short list here about things to do that are better than drinking. Obviously, this list won't be very long. 6 Activities that are Better than Drinking.

Beat a Superior Opponent in a Fight
Furry Vengeance
Why It's Better than Booze: Although fighting is usually caused by booze, sober brawls have been known to happen from time to time. Sometimes you may find yourself in a fight with a stronger, obviously superior individual. No worries. Just think about how good you'll feel about yourself if you win. And, more importantly, how the women around will feel about you. That's got to be better than drinking, right?

Attend a Nude Beach (or anywhere with nude women, really)
Or Any Beach in Brasil
Why It's Better than Booze: Besides all the dingle-dangle, nude beaches have to be a gas. Not just for the exposed boobies and beaver, but for the pure hilarity of ugly people with no shame. Also....there are boobs. ALL OVER THE PLACE. If heaven exists, it is an all-Brazilian girls and me nude beach. Just imagine....even playing volleyball would give you a boner. Think of the jumping!

Road Trip
Laugh, But He's Getting More Bitches than Me
Why It's Better than Booze: There's rarely a better feeling than saddling up with your buddies and hitting the open road. Granted, driving is pretty boring. But the adventure of just getting there and all the stops on the way have to be a fun time. The hijinks, the rocking out, the girlfriend giving you a handjob while your friends are asleep--does it get any better than that? I THINK NOT GOOD SIR!

Getting Friends Laid
Pictured: A Very, Very Good Friend
Why It's Better than Booze: It surely isn't as satisfying as getting yourself laid, but knowing you wingman'd a brother in need straight into a fresh vagina and/or penis is a wonderful feeling. Plus, unless they're a douche, they'll likely return the favor one day. Seeing how happy your friend is the next day after getting laid--especially if he was on a cold streak--is a thing more beautiful than the Mona Lisa and the statue of David put together.

Fuck Bitches, Get Money
Don't Learn The Hard Way Like Tiger Had To
Why It's Better than Booze: Getting money--either through accomplishment or gambling or whatever--is a great thing, maybe the best of things. After all, if you don't "get money" how will you pay for booze? Exactly, you won't. AND THEN YOU'LL BE SOBER FOREVER. So disregard females for a while and acquire currency. Then, when you can drink, you can get bottle service and look like a straight up PIMP.

Get Money, Fuck Bitches
Leo knows it: You're Paying for Sex, One Way or the Other
Why It's Better than Booze: After you've gotten the money, and you still can't or don't want to drink, it's time to get laid. That's right, getting laid is better than anything ever, even the best high or drunk you've ever felt. People claim that ecstacy and cocaine can be a better feeling, but these people are stupid. Sticking your penis into a vagina is the greatest feeling imaginable. This is why mountains have been moved, wars have been fought, strip clubs/prostitutes exist, and men strive for excellence--in the end, it's mostly for ass. So you can't drink? SO WHAT! Go find a willing vagina/butt to stick your penis in and get drunk of the moment.

You're Gonna Have to Speak Up, My Penguin Can't Hear You (And Other Nonsense)

2010-12-27T23:28:00.009-06:00

I had this blog before, you see. Over the summer, for one reason or the other, I lost interest. Now that I'm single, football is ending, and my short writing career has seemingly ended, I think it's time to rejuvenate my alcoholic musings on life, drinking, and the American way. I've been out of the game so it'll be interesting to see how hard my creativity boner remains (judging by that = not well). But today, I BLOG AGAIN. About what, you say? How about 5 Ways To Make Boring Bars Fun

5. Drinking Games
Dibs
What To Do: Drinking games are like sex: if you're not doing it, you're sober or married. Or both, in many cases. Sometimes, you need a good drinking game to spice things up. If you're not having a good time while out, getting drunk is usually a good option. Drinking games accelerate that. Just make sure you're not playing beer pong in the on top of the bar. Even dive bars may frown upon that.
Options: Asshole, Irish Poker, Circle of Death, Drink Whiskey Until Someone Pukes

4. Refine Your Skillz
Not Pictured: Game
What To Do: Boring bars usually are boring because there is a lack of females present. Well, you know what they say: practice makes perfect. So pick out the least disgusting thing there and hit on them. Charm them and help out an average-to-ugly friend get some. They'll love you forever and probably buy you drinks the rest of the night, thus making your night less boring.
Options: "Hey cutie, that's an extra sexy snaggletooth you got there. See my friend over there? He's a great dentist."

3. Make Sad People Happy
Clearly, James Van Der Beek Was Seeing His Future Right Here
What To Do: Spot a random stranger. See them slumping over the bar or fighting with their girlfriend? THEY HATE THEIR LIFE RIGHT NOW. Go up to them (ignoring their girlfriend....or boyfriend, depending on the attractiveness of the girl) and ask them if they want a drink. Buy them a freakin Grey Goose Martini or something. Don't even tell them why. Just walk away and don't talk to them for the rest of the night. That'll be the highlight of their night. Be the highlight. YOU ARE THE TOP PLAY ON SPORTSCENTER, REVEL IN YOUR GOOD DEEDINESS!
Options: (Guy is alone and sad or with girlfriend, looking sad) "Looks like you're dating an overreaction in human form, I'd like to buy you a drink."

2. Beat That Jackass Playing Darts in Darts and Buy Him a Shot of Crappy Booze
Or a Cheeseburger with Tartar Sauce
What To Do: Every crappy bar has one: a guy playing darts that just won't stop playing and let you play. Emasculate him. Make him feel like if he doesn't play you he's a woman. Tell him he plays darts like he's aiming for his penis. Who cares if it makes sense? It sounds insulting. Even if you lose to the guy, buy him a shot of Montezuma or crappy Brandy. It's irrelevant, really. If you win, rub it in and you may ruin that guy's entire weekend. Isn't that AWESOME?!
Options: "I just came up here to ask you to play a round of darts because I've always wanted to play against someone who's in a Nursing Home League."

1. Duh, Get Fucked Up
Gonna Let That Irish Baby Out-Drink You?
What To Do: If you're reading this blog (still), you clearly know how to get drunk. Order shots, imply your drinks are weak so your next one is strong, look at the highest ABV on the menu. IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS, PEOPLE! You're at a boring bar and not driving? Well, get hammered and who knows what might happen. You might wake up wearing a diaper with a hot girl wearing her Denny's uniform in a room smelling like pancakes. DARE TO DREAM BIG (AFTER DRINKING BIG).
Options: "I'll have six shots of whiskey and whatever my friends want." (Sees semi-fat blonde eyeing him across the bar) "Ehh....better make that seven."

How to Enjoy the World Cup If You Don't Like Soccer

2010-06-07T17:33:00.002-05:00

The World Cup is the most global of all events. More people watch the World Cup than any other sporting event. It promotes national pride and unites fellow countrymen for a solid month. But loads of Americans (read: most) find soccer boring. Well, I'm not here to try and convert you into full-time soccer fanatics--but enjoying the World Cup has it's advantages. That's why I've put together a little list to help you enjoy. 6 Ways Soccer Haters Can Enjoy the World Cup.

Watch It In a Bar
Shout-Out to Where I Watch Soccer: The Globe Pub in Chicago. Over 100 Types of Beers!
Advantage: Nothing makes boring things fun like drinking. And soccer, if nothing else, is a great excuse to drink in the morning. I've had a few 8 AM pints to go along with the game and it can take the edge clean off. Most soccer bars in the USA are run by English/Irish ex-pats and have quite the variety of beer at decent prices. Bars will be PACKED during the World Cup. It's one thing to watch it alone at home, but you can feel the tension of an entire nation inside a bar--and it's rather contagious.

Pick a Side
Like North Korea, If You're Feeling Controversial
Advantage: I used to be apathetic towards The Beautiful Game--until I picked a team. Let me tell you--when you are invested in a team, soccer is the most nerve-racking game ever. With every goal ridiculously important, every pass towards goal, every mistake is amplified so much that it makes the anticipation almost unbearable. Being invested in a team--even if it's just gambling on them--can make soccer go from a bore to a game of heart-attack inducing excitement.

Embrace the Controversy
God, I Hate France
Advantage: Soccer gossip is pretty much the same as celebrity gossip--shameful, unrelenting, and zooming in on EVERY. LITTLE. THING. It's part of how soccer can get so addicting. For women who love gossip, there's a little bit of everything. A player sleeping/impregnating with a teammate's girlfriend? Got that. Argentina reccomending their players get hookers on off-days to stay fresh? Check. Racism? Conspiracy Theories? Stampedes Outside the Stadium? Oh yes...there's all that. Chances are, especially since it's in the mildly-unstable, massively crowded South Africa, that there will be deaths of fans. Usually, in soccer, there is more drama off the pitch than there is on it.

Hate On Others
Well, Not THAT Hateful...
Advantage: I'm not condoning racism. But for me, I'm distraught over France's ousting of the Irish team, and will be loudly cheering against them forever and ever. It gives you a chance to cheer against douches--like North Korea for being communist. Maybe you hate Switzerland for always being neutral? Maybe you live in the 19th century and hate Mexicans for "ruining our country" or some lame crap? I suggest cheering against England. They believe it's their god-given right to win the World Cup. They write the USA off like we're a joke team that they will roll over. Cheer against pompousness. English people suck. After all, they fucked Ireland too. By trying to own them. Eff them. HARD.

Learn About Culture
Yes...Culture...
Advantage: Chances are you will hear quite a bit about the World Cup being in Africa during the month. All the African teams (Cameroon, Ghana, Ivory Coast, Algeria, Nigeria, and South Africa) will be magnified. These are countries that nobody knows anything about, besides maybe South Africa. What a great chance (for those that are interested) to see how important this game is to their culture. Didier Drogba, Ivory Coast's best player, has a beer named after him in his country. Also, during the last World Cup, while his country was in turmoil, he called for peace and to let soccer stand as a symbol for peace....and his people listened. The power to unite an entire nation, just for kicking a ball around.

US Pride
Pride: It's What's Hot
Advantage: If nothing else, support your country. It would be a massive achievement to beat a team like England or get far in the Cup. Whether or not you really care, it's still a matter of pride. People talk shit about USA soccer like it's their job--don't you want to defend your country? It's like the Olympics: you may not really care about the actual events, you just care if your country does well. So grab a pint, cheer on the USA, and wait--soccer is a much more beautiful game than you think. Maybe--just mabye--you'll get sucked in.

Leave Me Alone, I'm Drinking

2010-06-06T13:22:00.004-05:00

Many people hear drinking alone and immediately say "alcoholic." Well, the blog doesn't share this view. Sometimes, drinking alone is necessary. When, you ask? OH! Well, I'm going to tell you. Perhaps it's not the happiest topic, but I my writing could make "2 and a Half Men" funny. So listen up, this is When Drinking Alone is OK.

After a Break-Up
"See....the crying, this is why I broke up with you."
Why It's OK: People are naturally sad after a break-up. There's lots of self-pity, tears, and mood swings during the immediate post-relationship period. Alcohol is oh-so-necessary to help you through the process but going out and meeting new people will only remind you of your ex. At least at first, it's best to wallow in that self-pity all by your lonesome. Throw on the Bryan Adams CD, sit in your underwear, and sip on a drink or ten as you get ALL your wallowing out of the way. I mean, your friends don't wanna hear your bitching. Get your ass on the couch and feel sorry for your drunken self!
You Should Drink: like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.

After a Traumatic Event
Yes, Like That.
Why It's OK: Every goes through trauma. Car accident, death in the family, dropping your entire bag of popcorn at the movie theatre. Whatever it is, you're gonna need to booze on through it. And if you're drinking with other people, all they're only going to tell you "Oh I'm so sorry, that looked delicious" and stuff like that. Well fuck that! You need to ditch your date and sit by yourself, sipping on your Movie Theatre Sized Margarita and dream of the buttery goodness you're missing out on.
You Should Drink: like Pac-Man Jones at a wine tasting.

When You're Struggling To Find An Answer
That Guy's Got the Right Idea
Why It's OK: Sometimes in life, we search for the unattainable answers. "What's my life's purpose?" "Did I let "the one" get away?" "Will I ever see my hot MILF neighbor changing through my bedroom window?" Life's too short to spend TOO much time thinking about such questions, so pour yourself a double and reflect. Creativity stems from alcohol abuse. Find your answer at the bottom of a bottle.
You Should Drink: more than Mel Gibson at a David Hasselhoff fiesta.

When You're Just Getting Out of Rehab
Who Are Those People?
Why It's OK: Whatever you were in rehab for, you owe it to yourself to reward your good behavior. Crack? Meth? Heroin? Well, you're going to need something to replace that eventually. You need to sit down by yourself and find out if that thing is alcohol. You know you've got an addictive personality, as you're just leaving rehab, so nobody is going to let you drink too heavily after getting out. That's why you need to do it alone. Avoid those party-pooping losers.
You Should Drink: like someone who was in rehab for alcohol abuse.

When Nobody Reads Your Blog
STUPID STUPID STUPID!
Why It's OK: Sometimes you pour your heart into something and it just doesn't work out for the best. So you started a blog and nobody reads it? It's OK. Maybe you have a solid head of hair? No, ummm...a good job? Ehem, anyways, maybe you should just not think about it. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and walk down the street. Maybe peeing on your neighbor's lawn will make you feel better? Maybe all that MILF neighbor needs is to see you naked first....
You Should Drink: like a soccer hooligan on her period.

Yes, I'm Pretty Sure That Nobody Reads These Long Titles, But They Stayin 'Cause I'm a Verbose Mofo, and Other Snobby Responses: The June Mailbag

2010-06-01T02:03:00.002-05:00

The mailbag is back and it's heating up, both outside and in the mailroom. What do I mean? Oh, I just mean that the questions are getting more controversial, but not so controversial where I have to explain myself. But let's get down to it. The June Mailbag.

Q: What do you think of the Blackhawks doing so well, about to get a championship for your poor sports city?
--A. Pujols, St. Louis, MO.
A: I'm not the biggest hockey fan, but I do appreciate what they are doing for the city. I mean, I'm not going to start a Fantasy Hockey league but I will fair-weather fan it when they are playing well for the good of the city. After all, it's strange to see a sports team I like do well, being a Cubs fan and all.

Q; With the World Cup coming up, can you give us some pointers and possibly a drinking game for the tournament?
--Kaka, Brasilia, Brazil.
A: If you don't regularly watch soccer, then just sit back and enjoy without trying to understand it. If you enjoy that, then good. Look up the rules, because I'm not explaining soccer offsides to ANYONE. Here's a great drinking game for the World Cup:
--Do a shot for every goal.
--Drink two for every yellow card.
--Drink four for every red card.
--Drink one for every foul.
--Drink two for every word the announcers say that you are not familiar with.
--Drink every time they mention that the World Cup is in Africa.
--Drink every time the English announcers overrate the England team
You should be hammered from the last two alone.

Q: Say you're me. Say you have to chance to have sex with the girl of your dreams--not a celebrity--but you had to get chlamydia. Do I do it?
--J. Beam, Mobile, AL.
A: STD's are curable these days, aren't they? I say go for it, then get yourself some penicillin. Having chlamydia makes you sound like a hooker.

Q: What country would you say has the highest quality beer altogether?
--J. Foxx, LA, CA
A: What blog do you think you're at? Normally, I would say Ireland to anything that involves me picking a favorite. Unfortunately, besides Guinness, I don't find any other Irish beers to be that amazing. The Czech Republic and Belgium are both solid bets. I don't think I've ever had a bad Belgian or Czech beer.

Q: You've come home from a long day. You're extremely tired. What would you rather do: girl on top or get head?
--C. Bradshaw, NY, NY.
A: Girl on top. Granted, getting head is ALWAYS great. But girl on top is awesome. I just feel like girl on top is alot sexier than getting head. Sex is sex is sex is awesome. How old am I? (I'm over 18, ladies, that's all you need to know)

Q: Can you disprove three theories that women's magazine's think about men? Please, do it for us all.
--G. Lazenby, London, Eng.
A: "20 Shoes Men Love" (Cosmopolitan), "7 Signs He'll Never Marry You" (Cosmopolitan), "10 Sexy Sex and the City 2 Hairstyles" (Cosmo)
"20 Shoes Men Love"--I've never looked at a woman's shoes and said "Mmm that is hot." Black heels are fine with me and I don't really NEED anything else.
"7 Signs He'll Never Marry You"--It said "If your FB profile is limited" and "If his friends are distant." Listen, some people can't tag drunken pictures because they a) have jobs, b) are friends with relatives, c) don't want to seem like a douchebag. How bout spending time getting to know him instead of creeping on FB? And maybe, just maybe, his friends just don't like you. If he loves you enough, he would. Trust me, I've known plenty of guys/girls that would marry someone that didn't get along with their friends.
"10 Sexy Hairstyles"--There's no such thing as a sexy hairstyle from Sex and the City 2, since all the women are old/ugly.

Q: Which female celebrity would win a hot body/weird face contest?
--M. Broderick, Detroit, MI.
A: Uma Thurman. She's got a weird face but I find her strangely attractive all the same. As for the loser, it has to be Sarah Jessica Parker. Her face is so bad, I'd probably have a hard time not thinking about it in the pitch black dark. Ughhhhh.

Q: What is stupider: swimming in a pool while hammered or trying to climb a tree hammered? Keep in mind, there is beer up in the tree.
--M. Gibson, Las Vegas, NV.
A: Let's be honest: both are really, really fun. Not that I reccommend it to anyone or anything. I would have to say the stupider one is also the funner one: climbing a tree while hammered and drinking in a tree. Have you ever gotten drunk in a tree house?! FUCKING EPIC.

Q: Is there a protocol for drinking while your wife is pregnant? Obviously, she can't really drink at all. Are there any rules to this situation?
--S. Strasburg, Washington, DC.
A: I'm not sure there's an exact science to it. It depends how your wife is but I would stray away from drinking anymore than one single beer or one glass of wine. These are what nights out with friends are for--although you probably won't get many. If you really want/need to, then say you have to stay an extra hour for work and go to Happy Hour. Things like that. After all, there's nothing more important to a new marriage than lying about going out drinking after work when your wife's pregnant.

Q: Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper died this week. Can you give us some of your favorite moments from them, on screen or otherwise?
--K. Reeves, ?????
A: Gary Coleman? Was that the bald guy who used to play for the 76ers? As for Dennis Hopper, well, the man was awesome at playing weird villain types. The following two clips are probably my favorite:

Q: Quick--Dispel the myth that people go to Wrigley Field only to drink and party and not to watch the Cubs play baseball.
--G. Coleman, Seattle, WA.
A: I'm a die-hard Cubs fan but nobody can dispel this myth. Most people go to Cubs games to get drunk and have a good time. There are some, like myself, who go to watch the actual baseball game. But that doesn't mean I don't love Wrigley Field. Hell, besides them getting a real scoreboard, there's nothing wrong with it. So it's old? So is my Grandma, that doesn't mean I want to get a new one.

Q: The Subject: Lindsay Lohan. The Question: How many times do you have to wrap it?
--S. Monster, Lost Island.
A: More times than a Cuban cigar. I feel like having sex with Lindsay Lohan, at this point, would be like sticking your penis in a nuclear reactor--who knows how it will come out.

Q: Lee DeWyze is from your hometown and he won American Idol. Is he now the most famous person to ever live in your town?
--P. Hilton, Blogville.
A: No, one of the Spice Girls was born next door to me. Jackass.

Q: How drunk is too drunk for BBQ parties?
--S. Soo-Choo, Cleveland, OH.
A: Depending on the rationing of beer and if you're driving (be safe kids!), it doesn't matter. The hosts want to get rid of all the stuff, especially the crappy beer that your aunt bought two cases of just for herself when she can barely finish 2 bottles. Drink and eat up, that's what the summer is for. Well, that and watching Mexicans cut lawns. It's like an art form!

Q: What would you rather do: have a beer with Obama or a boxing match against him?
--S. Sosa, Santiago, Chile.
A: Instead of asking him about the economy or health care, I'd like to ask him how his FACE is doing after I smash it! Ha-HA! I actually don't have anything against Obama really, I just think it'd be pretty badass to fight a President. Especially since I'd lose.

Q: If you could go back in time and go to one party, which party would it be and why?
--R. Gould, Chicago, IL.
A: Any single one of Hugh Hefner's Birthday parties. It really is that simple. Silly bunny, tricks are for me. What? I don't know, let's move on.

Q: Who is the most annoying/your least favorite sports anchor on ESPN?
--S. Scott, Bristol, CN.
A: God damn it all if I don't hate Chris Berman but he's not even the winner. No, it has to be either Stephen A. Smith or Skip Bayless. What the hell is the matter with those guys? IF I NEEDED TO HEAR YOU TALK LOUDER, I'D TURN MY VOLUME UP. Put them in a room and let them argue together until one of them has a brain hemorrhage.

Q: What is the appropriate amount of drinking that you can do if your boss is present at a company event/happy hour? Conversely, when is it ok to drink at work, if ever?
--F. Lapidus, West Lafeyette, IN.
A: It's appropriate to keep pace with the boss. Depending on your job/boss, you don't want to be hitting on secretaries in front of him. He's got first dibs on them anyway. If the boss leaves work, then I'd say if you got a partner in crime, go for it. Especially if that person is hot. There's nothing hotter than a hot partner in a hot crime.

Q: Which animal would be the funniest to get drunk with if it could talk? The least funny?
--S. Kitison, Hell.
A: Penguins would just be slip sliddin' around. HAhAHAHA. Just imagine it. The least funny would probably be a cat. I hate cats, they're so droll.

Q: What if you hook up with an older lady and it lasts one night. You then meet a young girl and start dating her for a while. You meet her parents and OH! that older lady you hooked up with before you guys met is her mom--and she's still married to the girls dad. What is the appropriate reaction, if any, to this situation?
--J. Chamberlain, NY, NY.
A: That is one of the more awkward situations I've ever heard of. I don't know how that situation could end well, but you HAVE to stay in this relationship until the daughter finds out. Hell, just tell her. That is TOO GOOD of a story to not have. Imagine their reactions! Family dinners = never the same!

Unusual Alcohol-Related Deaths

2010-05-30T21:19:00.005-05:00

Yo yo yo and hey hey hey, it's such a beautiful, beautiful day! Naturally, I've decided to write about death. I've compiled some unusually funny deaths that have had to do with alcohol and, through my eloquence and pure, unadulterated verbosity, you will find them as interesting as I do. Funny Drunk Deaths, let's do it.

George Plantagenet
Date/Age of Death: February 18, 1487 at the age of 28.
Cause of Death: Drowning
The Story: The young Irish Duke was going to be executed for some reason or another. Not to be outdone by his crazy torturers, the genius decided to trap himself in a barrel of wine, drowning in the process. Some believe his death inspired the phrase "like shooting a Duke in a barrel." Others disagree, and claim that anyone who thinks that is retarded...because that's not a real phrase. Not everyone is made to be intelligent, people.

London Beer Flood
Date/Age of Death: Nine people of various age died on October 17, 1814
Cause of Death: Eight drowned, one died of alcohol poisoning.
The Story: Sometime ago in jolly ole London, a rather large container of beer ruptured, spilling 323,000 gallons of beer out into the streets. This would've all been fine and good, except that it was in a poorer area of town where many apartments were situated in basements and underground. The beer flooded a few of these very apartments, where eight people drowned due to being knocked out from the force of the flood and drowning. Miraculously, one man survived this very same thing, but died of alcohol poisoning a few days later. Authorities blame his death on the flood, while some just saw he was hammered and wanted to go for a swim when he got home.

Dylan Thomas
Date/Age of Death: Died November 9, 1953 at the age of 39.
Cause of Death: Alcohol Poisoning or Pneumonia
The Story: Although likely false, folklore has provided us with a wonderful story that--if true--is more badass than dying because you were having sex while sky diving. Thomas was a huge alcoholic. One day, he walked into a bar and ordered something like 18-20 shots of whiskey. He did them CONTINUOUSLY and finished them all, rendering all your drinking accomplishments more moot than an empty soda can. He then lit up a cigarette, told the bartender "Thanks," and walked out of the bar. He then proceeded to pass out right in front of the bar and die of alcohol poisoning. DO NOT GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT. True words, never written. Gotta respect a man that lives by the words he writes. Except for me, I guess.

Tennessee Williams
Date/Age of Death: Died on February 25, 1983 at the age of 71.
Cause of Death: Choked
The Story: The famous American playwright was checking out of his hotel room when he choked to death on eyedrop bottle cap. He usually held the cap in between his teeth while using the eyedrops. The well-known alcoholic was apparently so drunk that he didn't even realize he was choking until it was too late. He remains the only person to die from choking on a eyedrop cap besides the Teenage Eyedrop Mass Suicide that he inspired in the late 80s. Since then, eyedrops are only used by teenage stoners who don't want their parents to realize they're high. Bitches can tell anyway, bro.

Jimmy Lee Gray
Date/Age of Death: September 2, 1983 at the age of 34
Cause of Death: Sentenced to Death By Gas Chamber
The Story: I'll spare you the reasons WHY Jimmy Lee was being executed, but his crimes warranted the gas chamber according to the state of Mississippi. He was seated in the chamber with a metal rod behind his head. The gas wasn't working as it was supposed, causing Jimmy Lee to spasm and bang his head against the rod and not die for around 10-15 minutes, an eternity in that situation. Mississippi was criticized heavily for the disturbing incident, deservingly so. What does this tale have to do with alcohol? Well, the executioner, on one of the very few days of his life that he would be killing someone in a complicated process, was hammered drunk throughout the execution. Like they say in Mississippi, "Beer's the only solution for workin' an execution."

A Bon Voyage to LOST

2010-05-24T13:15:00.003-05:00

Like all great things, LOST must end. And end it has. Whether you loathed loved the finale, at least the ride there was something to cherish. So let me take you back and recap a few "Top 5..." lists regarding my favorite show, which I will miss like a friend. Here are The Top 5 Episodes, Characters, and Unanswered Questions from LOST. This will contain major SPOILERS.

Top 5 Episodes

5. Live Together, Die Alone (Season 2, Episode 23)
The season two finale, where we're introduced to Desmond's backstory, has probably some of the best action sequences, answers, and aura of mystery that the show has ever put on display. Locke's quest to not press the button with Desmond, and Jack's and the gang being led into The Others' trap were both stories that magnified the hopelessness of all these characters and their situation.
Best Moment: Desmond shining the light up the hatch onto a broken John Locke, giving both characters the hope they need to continue.

4. Ab Aeterno (Season 6, Episode 8)
Isn't it funny that the supporting cast's love stories were much more interesting and beautiful than the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle/puke-fest? Finally, Richard's background is explored, as we are given insight into the ageless wonder's life. It turns out he's only stuck on the island because he was trying to save his wife. It's heartbreaking, but also hopeful when Hurley finally helps Richard let go of his wife.
Best Moment: Hurley speaking for Richard's dead wife to Richard, as he is finally able to let go and accept his fate.

3. Deus Ex Machina (Season 1, Episode 19)
Season one's best arc had to be that of John Locke's mission to understand his purpose on the island. As he and Boone try and open the hatch, we get some ultra-creepy visions of Boone, which brings back some nostalgia for me, as his death was untimely. It really opened up the door and promised that no character was ever really safe from death. And it only intensified the Jack vs. Locke rivalry.
Best Moment: "Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs."

2. Through the Looking Glass (Season 3, Episode 22)
Much of Season 3 was a tad below par, for me at least, but the ending of it was nothing short of excellent. With Charlie trying to complete his kamikaize mission and everyone else's vendetta against the other's coming to a head, there were many great moments in the episode. But it may have been the most hopeful we ever get to see our favorite castaways.
Best Moment: Charlie's death and his character going full-circle, from broken drug-addict to hero.

1. The Constant (Season 4, Episode 5)
Without a doubt, The Constant is the best episode of television that I could ever ask for. Without actually having too much to do with the story, The Constant does what Lost does best: create amazingly heartfelt, deep character moments. This episode is full of them, as Desmond's conciousness jumps back and forth through time and space, when all he needed was to talk to Penny to save his life. Love conquers all, indeed.
Best Moment: The entire Desmond-Penny phone call near the end.

Best Characters

5. Daniel Farraday
The bumbling psyicist often provided for great drama whenever on screen. Crazy hair, speech, and scientific mumbo-jumbo there was something inherently charming about him and his love for the fiery redhead Charlotte. He obviously had fun explaining time-travel, even if nobody had any idea what he was talking about.

4. Benjamin Linus
The creepiest, most manipulative and cold character that resided on the island, from Henry Gale to Benjamin Linus, there were so many moments that you forced you to like the leader of the mysterious others. His story, tragic, shows that everyone starts good until something bad happens to them. A common thread for many Lost characters, but his echo'd that sentiment the most.

3. James "Sawyer" Ford
Without Sawyer, how much fun would this show have been? A perfect mix of comedic relief, bad-asserery, and pathetic-ness, Sawyer's character was probably the one that grew the most throughout the show. His love for Juliet was heartwarming, and the nicknames were often times the highlight of underwhelming episodes. Sawyer is consensus fan favorite and rightfully so.

2. John Locke
Locke was the best character throughout Lost's best seasons, one and two, and brought the aura of mystery better than any other character. The way Terry O'Quinn was able to play Locke's character as a sad old man, bad ass hunter-gatherer, and even smoke monster was nothing short of remarkable. Even though his character had a sad end, he was one of the most memorable character to grace the small screen.

1. Desmond Hume
Did any other character feel more real than Desmond? The drunken Scotsman went through time for love and raced around the world for his one and only Penny. His heart-brokenness for his lost love echoes "the one that got away" better than almost any love story ever seen on TV. What will always be remembered about Desmond, besides his catchphrases, is his humanity in a extremely strange universe.

Top 5 Unanswered Questions

5. How were Ben and Widmore able to return to the Island, when they said they wouldn't be able to return?

4. What was the point of Ben/Widmore's war that took up much of Season 5? What were these rules they kept mentioning?

3. What was the point of The Temple characters that were introduced and took up so much time at the beginning of Season 6?

2. Why was Sayid with Shannon in the church in the end, instead of Nadia whom he had been spending his entire life trying to find?

1. What was the point, really, of having Jin and Sun having a baby? Wouldn't their story have been better if that plot device was never introduced?

Drunk Guy Yelling At...A Baseball Game

2010-05-12T21:12:00.003-05:00

Ever fantasized about just yelling at someone til their head fell off? Ever imagine doing it to an umpire but lack the athletic ability to even make a play that would be considered slightly debatable? Well, lucky for you I'm starting a new segment. It's called Drunk Guy Yelling At.....Over the passing of time, I will have my Drunk alter ego yell at tons of different authority figures. But let's get to it, this is Drunk Guy Yells At...A Baseball Game.

Guy: Man, it's a fucking GREAT day to be at the ballpark! Get my drink on, hit on some hotties, and fucking watch some grown hit balls around like my girl Janelle on the nights she lets me get weird. Man, Wrigley's so great, sun is shining, honey's beaming. Oh yeah, it's gonna be a great fucking day!

(7 Beers Later...)

Guy: Ah, whatever, your tits are too small anyway. I should get back to watching the game, what inning is it? Shit, i think I just spilled beer on that kid.

Guy: I PAID $7 FOR THAT BEER, YOU LITTLE BITCH! IF YOU WERE LEGAL TO RAPE, I'D POLITELY CONSIDER IT! Hey, you got a cigarette? THEN FUCK YOU, I'LL SMOKE WHERE I WANT. I HOPE YOUR TEETHING IS VERY PAINFUL!

Guy: God, I need to get it together. Where am I again? Oh right...the fluckin' Cubs game. What's the score?

Guy: The Cubs are losing?! The Cubs never lose, it must be the Umps fault. HEY UMP! YOUR MOM COULD MAKE THAT CALL BETTER ON A PAYPHONE! Ha I'm hilarious. I'm hungry, I should eat something. HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY! HOT DOG GUY!....

(7 minutes later)

Guy: HOT DOG GUY!

Hot Dog Guy: What can I get you?

Guy: Can I get some pizza?

Hot Dog Guy: I'm the hot dog vendor.

Guy: I SAID PIZZA ASSHOLE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE! FUCK YOU!

(pukes on kid in front of him)

Guy: WHY'D YOU GET IN THE WAY OF MY PROJECTILE YOU LITTLE WHORE?! THAT WAS AN EPIC PUKE AND YOUR TESTICLE HEAD GOT IN THE WAY!

PA Announcer: Now batting for the Cubs, Starlin Castro.

Guy: WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?! HEY CASTRO, YOU LOOK LIKE MY MOM ADOPTED YOUR DAD AND HAD SEX WITH HIM WHILE EATING LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD! (nudges guy next to him) AM I RIGHT? HUH? YEAH I'M FUCKING RIGHT, OF COURSE I'M RIGHT! THEY SHOULD BRING BACK FUCKIN' RYNE SANTOBERG! MAN, I"VE GOT TO PEE WORSE THAN THAT KID WITH THE FUCKIN' PUKE ON HER. HEY KID! CLEAN YOURSELF OFF YOU LITTLE BASTARD!

(kid cries)

Guy: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shit, the crowd's cheering. WHOOOOO GO CUBS! HEY, GUY NEXT TO ME, REMEMBER WHEN THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES A FEW YEARS AGO?

Other Guy: That was the White Sox.

Guy: Then why was I so excited then? Ahh, whatever. Oh shit, security's coming. TIME TO FUCKING BOOK!

Guy: WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT, UMP? NEVER SEEN A MAN THONG? I GOT IT ON SALE FOR $4.99 AT KOHLS DOUCHEHOLE! WHOOOO!!

(Is tackled by large security guard, ruptures spleen while air guitaring to "Turn My Swag On" while standing on the pitcher's mound)

Guy: Ow! TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, JOSE LIMA, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!

Mother's Day

2010-05-07T15:35:00.002-05:00

Mother's Day is one of those holidays. But they certainly deserve it...more so than their kids, usually. But kind of mom do you have? Is she a crazy alcoholic? A tame homebody? Either way, you love your mom. How do you know which booze to buy your mom for Mother's Day? Well, I've put together a handy little guide that should steer you towards a successful Mother's Day gift. Mother's Day Shopping at the Liquor Store.

Beer
Class.
If Your Mom Is... She's an old school lady. Oh, she enjoys to let the good times roll, alright. She has beer mugs, not wine glasses. Amaretto? What the hell is that?, she'll say. She'll be watching the game with her boys, just one of the guys in actuality. Good marrying material? Eh, probably not. But that doesn't mean she's not good in the sack ALL NIGHT LONG. For other guys I mean. Not for her kids, that'd be gross.

Wine
What Every Mom Should Strive to Be
If Your Mom Is... A classy woman, indeed. She just wants to pop open a bottle of red and turn on Celebrity Apprentice. Maybe she doesn't go out as much as she used to, but that's ok: those days are behind her. Not only is wine classier, it has more alcohol. And if she has the wine glasses that my mom has, then its more than enough to polish off a bottle (or two) on the right night (Tuesday-Sunday).

Vodka/Gin/Rum
Kanye Raised You, Bitch
If You're Mom Is... Clearly, this woman has lost all inhibition. If your mom is still drinking clear alcohol, then she is likely an alcoholic. Years of child-rearing have worn her out to the point where she just doesn't give a crap anymore. The only reason she still takes her kids to the park is because her flask sets off the metal detector at the library. And nobody reads. Except for this, hopefully. Nothing wrong with a woman who likes her martinis. It's just that she's probably a boozy hooker-like woman.

Tequila/Whiskey/Something Stronger
You Should Probably Make Up For Being On the Cover, Anyway....
If Your Mom Is... Borderline insane. What MOM drinks tequila or whiskey? That's a man's drink, honey. Here's the kind of woman that you meet and she sips whiskey, seems awesome, and is great in the sack. You know how those women end up? Crazy. They know your e-mail password, take every word you say out of context, and blow up if you pet her dog the wrong way. If she wants whiskey, you should buy her Xanax instead and crush it up into her oatmeal.

Weed
Perfection
If Your Mom Is... Cool. Your mom is super cool. Buy her a gram and turn on her old Janis Joplin records or whatever hippies listened to, light up a J and turn on Spongebob. Happy Mother's Day? Oh yeah, that's a Happy Anyone's Day.

Yes, I've Been Caught Masturbating Before But It's Not As Embarrassing As You Think And Other Strange Admissions: The May Maylbag

2010-05-01T13:31:00.001-05:00

Hey oh Hey oh, welcome back to the segment that most of know, love, cherish, and sometimes touch yourself to, the Mailbag! This month is a special mailbag, The Maylbag will consist only of questions regarding sex. Oh yeah. Sex. And alcohol. Be about it. Now, if you'll excuse the introduction, it's time to get down to business. Here's the Sexy May Maylbag. As always, these are real questions from fake readers. Onward!

Q: If you could be one body part during sex, what would you be?
--D. Bryant's Mom, Dallas, TX.
A: Hmmm. I think I would be one of the kneecaps. Think about it: you get to see everything that's going on. Although I do have bad knees so it might hurt to be a knee. Ugh. Maybe I'd be a boob. That's pretty much been my dream anyway.

Q: What would be better place to have sex: firing range or hood of a Lamburghini?
--Z. Braff, Oakland, CA.
A: In the moment, it has to be the firing range. There is just something that turns people on being in a firing range, let me tell you. They get that rush of adreneline from shooting the gun. Shooting that paper guy wettens the pussy. Trust me. (Ed.'s Note: Trusting Michael is misguided and dangerous. Do not trust him.)

Q; Is there any way to turn sex into a drinking game? HELP!
--B. Levinson, Phoenix, AZ.
A: Well that is just a brilliant idea, isn't it? Let's set it up like this: it'd have to be shots, because, unless you're Sting, sex probably won't last much longer than a half-hour, if that. Take a shot every time you switch positions. Take a shot every time the girl orgasms. Take a shot every time something unusual in introduced (this is entirely up to you, as to what is unusual. I'm not a judger, I'm a smudger. Uhhhh...) And finally, take two shots for every time someone else's name is screamed during sex. That's always the funnest thing. You'll need the booze if that happens.

Q: When is it OK to go from ass-to-mouth? I only ask because people poop out of their butts and I just watched "The Human Centipede."
--Koko the Monkey, San Diego, CA.
A: I certainly didn't need to know anything about your poop but thanks. I say there's nothing wrong with almost any sexual act as long as it's consensual and I don't have to watch fat people do it. But that's just me.

Q: Recently, I saw Jay Cutler out a bar in the city when I was with my girlfriend. That being said, who would be the worst athlete that you a significant could ever cheat on you with?
--B. Rapelsberger, Pittsburgh, PA.
A: I suppose if you have to be cheated on, it's at least a good story for your girl to do it with a professional athlete. Does Tony La Russa, manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, count? Cause if it does, then it's him by a million miles. That or Joakim Noah. Really? Noah? Why didn't you just cheat on me with a mustached lesbian?

Q: I was thinking about perhaps the Cubs one day winning the World Series and a thought crossed my head: Would I even want to drink during it? Wouldn't you want to recall every feeling, every emotion as the team has tortured you for so long?
--J Cochran, HeavenOrHell
A: Or you could make one of the best moments in the history of your sports fandom even better by a little beer and whiskey. I think that'd be pretty boring not to. If the Cubs won the World Series, the entire city might literally stop working for a week just to get hammered and drink away the 3 billion years it took to actually win it. God I hate the Cubs. But I love them. Fuck them though.

Q: I just had dinner at your mom's house. Let's just say she cooked some good sausage.
--T. Woods, Helena, MT.
A: My mom has a dick? Sounds like the jokes on you, buddy!

Q: What would you least want to be walked in on: masturbating, giving oral sex, or drinking alone?
--J. Appleseed, Hartford, CT.
A: Seeing as how this is a blog about drinking, I've already gotten caught drinking alone and in my family thats like drinking water. I think I'd least want to get caught masturbating. At least oral sex, you're not a loser, pleasing someone else and all. Masturbating, you're just sitting there by yourself playing with yourself...you should be ashamed of yourself.

Q: Which branch of military in the world would you most want to drink with?
--B. Mac, Deadville
A: Do I get to do it in that country? If so, then the Brazilian National Guard in Rio. If not, then it'd the South Korean Border Patrol. That must be the most boring job of all time. I'd like to cheer them up a little bit.

Q: What are the Top 5 Worst Things A Guy Could Hear From A Girl Say During Sex?
--K. Cattrall, New York , NY.
A: Yikes. OK.
5. "Is that it?"
4. "Wait...are you sure it's in?"
3. "It's ok, it happens to alot of guys"
2. "That's OK, you can stop."
1. "IMPREGNATE ME!"

Q: How bad does a country have to be to not wanna tell anyone you had sex with a girl from it?
--B. Urlacher, Spokane, WA.
A: I'm not sure, I think I'd say the girl's race no matter where she was from, just for the novelty of it. Like, how many people do you know have had sex with a Mongolian girl? Probably none, that's how many.

Q: My girlfriend recently dumped me. How do I get back in the game after so long and get after it again?
--G. Cooper, Fon Du Lac, WI.
A: As I do with most questions that "come in," I suggest you get hammered and have some meaningless sex.

Q: There is a hot Latino girl in my building. She looks early 20s and she comes home drunk an awful lot. Anyways, I'm a single dad and she keeps waking up my kids on Saturday night. What should I do about this?
--J. Smith, Boston, MA.
A: First of all, if you pass up the chance to sleep with this drunk Latina girl in her 20s I will kill myself. If you really want her to shut up on Saturday night, alot of girls enjoy being gagged or choked. I hate your kids and I hate you. SLEEP WITH THIS WOMAN ALREADY.

Q: What is the least fruity fruit to put in beer or cocktails?
--J. Leno, New York NY.
A: I've never been a supporter of fruit-in-beer but if I had to pick one it would be pineapple. Find someone you hate. Throw a lime at someone and see if it hurts, then throw a pineapple at someone and see if it hurts. I think you will be more satisfied with the pineapple.

Q; My boyfriend is on his iPhone ALL THE TIME. No matter what we're doing, it seems like he's always on another App, checking sports scores, or whatever. EVEN RIGHT AFTER SEX! How do I get him to put down the phone more and pay attention to meeeee?
--J. Mayer, Arlington Heights, IL.
A: Have you tried the iPhone? It's delightful. It's got music, apps, and all the ammenities of a regular phone. Your phone is probably a POS. DON'T JUDGE THE SEXINESS OF THE IPHONE. I suggest you get a Kindle so that you can read in front of him. I suspect he will become so annoyed that he will put down the iPhone and start having more sex with you. That's right folks. The secret to getting ass is buying a Kindle.

Q: So when you're out and drinking alot, you're gonna have alot of beer, which is a bit of a pooper-instigator. What's the protocol on pooping at a girls house if it's your first time hooking up?
--D. Patrick, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Ahh, the hook-up poop. Is there a worse poop? Not only do you have to poop in a girl your about to hook up with's toilet, but you have to make sure there's no evidence, visible or olfactory wise. It's a nightmare poop. But it's better than pooping in the bar bathroom. Ugh. You can decide between Venereal Disease or embarrassment. Herpes or no sex. Poop in her pooper, spray some Lysol, and pray to god she doesn't have to go herself.

Q: How come overage girls are allowed to swoon over the underage Justin Bieber and have it not seem creepy but if an overage guy was doing it about Miley Cyrus or some other underage celebrity chick, it'd be just plan creepy? If women want equality in the workplace, schools, and homes, why shouldn't they be subjected to the same societal taboos that men are? Fuck this.
--O. Winfrey, Ft. Lauderdale, FL.
A: Good point. Isn't Justin Bieber a lesbian? That's what I always thought. I believe there was a South Park episode about this type of thing. The kids reported that their little brother was having sex with his teacher and all the cops just said "niceee." It's unfortunate that girls are allowed to feel this way, but it is creepy that they do. They can get away with it more, but it's still CREEPY AS FUCK to be swooning over a 17-year old who is JUST NOW going through puberty. So even if most people think it's not creepy, it still is. It's very weird and creepy. I'd like to punch that kid in the vagina for his crappy music.

Q: How unacceptable is it to get drunk at a WNBA game and constantly scream "IT"S LADIESSSSSSSS NIGHT!"? I mean, there aren't THAT many kids there.
--Bro, LA, CA.
A: Hell, if you had to go, I guess that'd be the way to do it. Although I'd rather just stay at home, get drunk, and make witty comments about how ESPN has an hilarious new sitcom called "Women's Sports."

Q: What would be a better story: having sex outside in a thunderstorm and getting hit by lightning or having a threesome with two Playboy Playmates in the Grotto?
--H. Hefner, San Bernardo, CA.
A: My dick is like LIGHTNING! Yes, definitely the thunderstorm. I don't think I've ever heard of a better way to die. "Here Lies Michael Dolan, who died mid-coitus from a lightning strike." Best tombstone ever.

Q: How long does pubic hair have to be for it to be acceptable to refuse to give oral sex?
--N. Armstrong, Space.
A: My philosophy is that if it's longer/hairier than yours, you can judge it any way you want to. It's not your fault their lazy. Who wants hair in their mouth? It should be enough that you're willing to give oral sex to someone, it shouldn't involve venturing through the enchanted forest. Shave your fucking private parts, people.

Q: I heard you're having some mad sex tonight. How unacceptable is it for couples to talk about their sex lives to their single friends? Is it just plain annoying?
--L. Machido, UFC Center.
A: Listen, an active healthy sex life is very normal for any couple to have. But that's probably who should have it. Your friends don't want to hear about you having sex 2-3 times a day, everyday, even if I accidently say it somehow. It's probably annoying, but you know who's more annoying? Friends who're complaining about not getting laid.

Fuck the Surgeon General's Warning

2010-04-22T17:21:00.004-05:00

Back again, friends! Today, I present you with something so shocking, so unbelievable, that you probably won't be that shocked by it. In fact, it's pretty believable. I'm not sure why I said that. But anyways, today I've procured the 5 Most Alcoholic Spirits. It's for those nights where you just wanna end up crying on your bathroom floor. Naked. Also, my girlfriend said there's too many racist jokes on here and none about white people. So I'll include a racist joke about white people having to do with all 5 liquors. Enjoy, honky!

5. Absinthe
Naughty, Right?
Proof: 140 proof (70% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Absinthe has been much discussed here at the blog. It's Americanized version is a watered down piece of crap. The Czech Republic version is as potent as booze laced with PCP. And that's what you want to be getting. I mean, everyone loves mixing hard drugs and booze, right?! Right! So get your asses to Prague and get wild!
Racist Joke About It: A white person on absinthe would be like a Toyota stuck on accelerate: SCARY and HARD TO STOP FROM GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!

4. Sierra Silver Tequila
Who Wouldn't Buy It for the Hat Alone?
Proof: 150 (75% alcohol). Because tequila isn't strong enough!
Kick In the Teeth: The good people of Mexico decided it's had enough with weak tequila and infused it with almost DOUBLE the amount of alcohol as normal tequila. Try that margarita, senor! And since tequila didn't cause enough people to make mistakes, it comes with a funny hat to make it more attractive. I mean, I'd buy it. The funny hat one or Cuervo? WHO WOULDN'T CHOOSE THE FUNNY HAT?!
Racist Joke About It: People call white sorority girls that drink alot of tequila "whores" because they are easy to sleep with and not call the next day.

3. Stroh Austrian Rum
That's Messed Up, Even For a Guy Named Edmund
Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Outsmarting Bacardi 151 by adding a teeny more alcohol and a cheaper price, those Austrians sure know how to pull one over on Cuba. If only Kennedy had known how! This high proof rum is usually not drunk straight by little girly men, but more often used in Flaming Cocktails, which you can get in Austria, SoHo, or the Redder Light District.
Racist Joke About It: Date rapists are mostly white people because they have the least game of any race. Ha!

2. Devil Spring's Vodka
Wasn't There a Show About that Last Winter?
Proof: 160 (80% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: New Jersey, not content with just getting wasted, wanted to create a new kind of drunken state. They doubled the proof of most vodkas and created this cheap, horrible, horrible concoction. Not found in states that don't smell funny, Devil Spring's is a funny name for a vodka that is created in the closest thing to hell America has to offer. Besides maybe like Mississippi. I mean, at least New Jersey is popular for sucking. Mississippi just sucks.
Racist Joke About It: The white people from New Jersey are a bigger problem to the world than AIDS. Boom, Roasted Like a Cashew! (That joke was lame cause I'm white)

1. Everclear
As Potent As Their Rhymes!
Proof: 190 (95% alcohol)
Kick In the Teeth: Anyone who's had Everclear knows that it is the Devil's Drink of Choice. It may as well be lighter fluid. In fact, I'm pretty sure it is. The most alcoholic drink known to man that isn't pure alcohol, Everclear is used by white frat boys to get freshman girls hammered and alcoholics to get drunk faster. Other than that, if you're drinking Everclear, prepare for not remembering your future regrets and waking up to fat people. Yup. Fat people, the worst thing since we beat Vietnam in World War 2
Racist Joke About It: An epileptic black person could dance better than the best white dancer. BUHUAHAHAHA! WHITE JOKES!

If You Liked Him Then You Should Put a Drink In Him

2010-04-16T16:36:00.004-05:00

I'm back from an unfortunate absence here at the blog and I promise to be more regular. I don't know what I was thinking actually. But the bar scene is terribly unfair. I'm about to turn it on it's head like a penis into a vagina. What? I don't know. Here are 5 Bullshit Things About Today's Bar Scene and Solutions to These Problems

If You Don't Buy a Girl a Drink, You Can't Flirt With Her
"You know, you've got quite the overbite. That could come in handy."
Why It's Crap: I could write an entire blog about this one alone. Hell, I could write a book. Girls have taken advantage of guys buying them drinks for TOO LONG. Why should I waste $6 or more on a girl that I just met, when it will likely go nowhere? I shouldn't have to liquor a girl up to have a nice conversation about how big my penis is or what color bra she's wearing. (The answer to both: big and pink, big and pink) Booze is expensive, especially all those Fluffy Island Navel's or whatever girls are drinking these days. And let's be honest: most single girls at bars aren't worth spending $6 just to talk to.
The Solution: The next time your flirting with a girl, ask her to buy YOU a drink. If she does, then you know she likes you. And you can always offer to get the next round anyway. If she won't, then screw her. (Not literally. You're not Ben Roethliesberger) TIME TO PLAY BY OUR OWN RULES MEN.

Bars are so Loud I Have to Yell To Hear Anyone
Because You Never Know Which Bar Might Play It....
Why It's Crap: Look, I get it. People like to go out, listen to music and dance. Well, that's what clubs are for. There's nothing wrong with music on, but when you're at a bar that doesn't even have a dance floor, why does music have to be deafening. I have to scream to talk to the person next to me? How am I supposed to flirt with that barely-legal Asian chick in the corner if Def Leopard is playing louder than a Chinese vowel? There's no reason for it, especially cause the music BLOWS.
The Solution: Create more pub-style bars, so there is a difference in this country between pubs, bars, and clubs. If I wanna go out and just chill with my friends, I don't want fucking "Bad Romance" playing for the 45th time that night overtaking my eardrums like a Nazi mine field. More bars should have karaoke anyway.

Overpriced Drinks
I Bet If You Replaced It With Cristal, You Wouldn't Even Know the Difference
Why It's Crap: On the weekends, when most people go out, bars rarely have anything on special and charge mucho prices for liquor-based drinks. It's a recession, motherfuckers! I'm not paying $8 for a vodka/cranberry and no, I'm not on my period! You need to have female sex organs for that! And....oh, I see what you're doing, that was an insult. Haha. But seriously, I know that tonic water doesn't cost $3 for half a glass. I'd rather get scurvy then pay that for it!
Solution: Buy 40s and drink on the stoop. Works for blacks.

Jagerbombs Specials
Why I Stopped Drinking Jager
Why It's Shit: Jagerbombs blow. Fuck jager. It's German, meaning you're supporting Nazism and the destruction of humor. Why can't they have specials on GOOD shots? Like, say, straight up JACK. Jagerbombs are for pussies who can't drink alcohol unless it tastes like a Sweet Tart. And they are hogging all the deals at bars.
Solution: Start a political party that's like the Tea Party but more like the Whiskey Party. Because Tea sucks. And so do they.

Slut's and Ho's
Look On the Bright Side, Kid. She gave me a good blowjob. Wait...that sucks for you. Hahahahahaha.
Why It's Shit: Half the people that go to the bars these days are skank asses dressed like Miley in the nude photoshoot. Look, I get it girls. Your boobs look great while they're hanging out and those skintight dresses shows off your fat ass. Blah blah blah. You aren't flattering yourself, guys that are looking for something short and one-nightish will always gravitate towards you.
Solution: Dress code for bars: sweetpants, hoodies, and slippers. Bam, the pajama bar. Wait, that's a pretty good idea.

Yes, I Know It's April Fools Day But I'm Not In the Mood to Fool You. Or Am I? and Other Solved Mind Puzzles: The April Mailbag

2010-04-01T00:46:00.004-05:00

Another month, another mailbag. When you have nothing else to depend on, the mailbag will always be there at the beginning of the month to give you some disturbing escapism. So as I take a break from losing bets to my girlfriend and preparing for my Irish Conquest of London next week, I present you with your favorite segment: The April Mailbag. WELCOME TO THE SHIT!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'VE HAD TOO MUCH RED BULL

Q: Is Easter the worst holiday of the year once you age? I mean, after a while the baskets and eggs get lame. And a giant bunny? Come on!
--B. Manumaleuna, Chicago, IL
A: Easter is a rather lame holiday, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun. After all, it's prime time for brunch. And only losers hate brunch. Although church is quite boring to go to....I guess there is no although. That's all I got.

Q: Any predictions for the Cubs this year?
--T. Hatcher, Wistoria Lane, SpellCheckDoesn'tCoverFakeStreetNames.
A: Yes, I predict that for every loss I will lose 20 minutes off my life due to unnecessary stress. So that's 1,600 minutes off my life. That's my prediction. Do the math. Or don't.

Q: If there was a global apocalypse, and you could only save one brewery or liquor distillery, what would be? Also, what animal would you most want to assist you on your post-apocalyptic journey?
--K. Powers, HBO
A: Well, if there's only gonna be one, it's gonna be liquor. After all, there's not gonna be any sex, no new TV episodes, no sports, no nothing. You're gonna wanna get loaded..alot. And whiskey will always do the trick quite nicely. Give me the Jameson brewery open and I say Happy Apocalypse! As for the animal, monkey is never the wrong answer. But if you could train a cheetah, that'd be awesome. You wouldn't even need a car! But if there's an apocalypse and I'm the last man standing, then god hates you all.

Q: What is the socially acceptable protocol for drinking on an airplane?
--J. Garcia, Montpellier, Vermont
A: This depends on many factors. Are you alone? With kids? Are you going on vacation? I say if you're on vacation without kids, then divide the number of hours your flight is in half. Maybe add one. Hell, you're on vacay, why's there a limit? Go wild, I say. If you are with kids though, just be sneaky about it. You don't want to look like a bad example or anything.

Q: Why do girls hate anal sex so much? What did anal sex ever do to them? Gay men do it, so if girls really wanted equality, they'd do it.
--ABBA, Stockholm, Sweden.
A: Girls hate anal sex because they've been brainwashed. Brainwashed by men, who have made it seem disgusting to do it, als turning girls off. If men didn't talk about it like it was some accomplishment or anything, then girls might be more open to it. But no. This is one thing that porn has ruined. And let me tell you something about porn: it's good. I mean, if the internet shut down, what would be the first thing you'd think of? "WHERE'S THE PORN GONE?!?!"

Q: All I hear is "Tiger Woods apologizes for this, Tiger Woods apologizes for that." I could give two shits about your apology. Why's he apologizing to me for banging other women? Eff that. I wanna know how he did it! How can you balance that many women for that long? Most men fail trying to balance two!
--V. Hudgens, Disneyland.
A: He's apologizing because the media is one crazy feeding frenzy pouncing and he wants them to go away. As for how he balanced that many women, who knows. The dude won the Masters on one leg. I'm sure balancing ho's wasn't too hard compared to that. Also: He has lots of money.

Q: What's a bigger faux pas: drunkenly hooking up with the boss' daughter at the company Christmas party or drunkenly hooking up with his son at the company Christmas party?
--R. Martin, Wrigleyville, IL.
A: Um. Well, you should absolutely never shit where you eat, so to speak. And that will have a double meaning if you hook up with the son. So go with the girl. Nobody likes poop all over the place.

Q: I've noticed a disturbing trend. So I've had 4 girlfriends in the last 2 years...and none of them know how to cook! Are women slowly refraining from learning how to cook food well?
--G. Foreman, Las Vegas, NV.
A: As more and more women turn to the working world, less no how to cook. This is indeed a horrible, horrible trend. We've all feared equality for a long time and this is the worst pitfall of it all. And with the proliferation of take-out places and fast-food restaurants, it's only gonna get worse. You know what else it means? More fat girls. Yup. This is what equality is getting us, men. Fat girls and Crappy food.

Q: With baseball/fantasy baseball fast approaching, what are the chances that your girlfriend smashes your iPhone against the wall? And couple that with the World Cup this summer, how is she gonna get through it? I'm asking for suggestion for her.
--T. Thigpen, Miami, FL.
A: Hahaha. Here's a hint: if she breaks my phone, I will turn into a Hulk-like monstrosity of epically angerlicious proportions. Here's what she can do: thank god that the Cubs play a ton of day games, in which she will be at camp. South Africa, where the World Cup is held, is 7 hours ahead. Which means most of the games will be at 2-3 AM and she'll be sleeping. But since I'm such a nice boyfriend, I'll set up Easter Egg hunts to keep her busy all summer longggggggggg. For instance, putting something on the top shelf. HOW WILL YOU GET IT? Well, that is the question, isn't it?

Q: What's the age where you stop buying beer based on price, and start buying it for flavor?
--B. White's Ghost, Heaven.
A: I say once you have graduated from college and have a real job in which you can afford good beer, that's when you should start buying beer based on flavor. Natty Light and all that crap should be left in college. Give me a good Guinness or Killians? Now we're talking.

Q: What are your thoughts on licking your own nipples? Do you?
Usher, Los Angeles, CA.
A: How in the name of hell do you think I would lick my nipples? Do you think I have some sort of bionic neck? If I did, I wouldn't be licking my nipples. Shit. I've said too much. As for you guys, if you're a female and you can do it, well by all means take advantage of the god-given ability in everywhere possible. If you're a male and can do it, well by all means take advantage of that, since you probably won't be interacting with the opposite sex much.

Q: In a car, what's better for car sex: leather or cloth seats?
--E. Hardy, San Fransisco, CA.
A: I'd have to say cloth. It's smooth, makes less noise, and allows for better maneuvering I would imagine. Leather would be all uncomfortable too, just for sitting on I'd imagine. But that's just my opinion. I'm just a boy...standing in front of car...wanting to have sex in it.

Q: When was your first sleepover and where? And why is pizza packed in a square box? THINK ABOUT IT!
--S. Lejman, Bloomington, IL.
A: Interesting questions with even interestinger answers. Pizza is packed in a square box because how the hell would you get it out of the box if it fit exactly into the box? That'd be anarchy! Plus, I'd imagine that circular boxes aren't too commonly made and are likely more expensive. My first sleep over wa back when I was 10-11 years old and it was with an old friend of mine, let's call her "Lindsay." Eventually we grew apart, but the sleepover wasn't the only first that night! She was quite the Mean GIrl. That was quite a Freaky Friday. I hear she's a movie star now. Good for her.

Q: Here are the 5 most dangerous questions girls can ask: "What are you thinking?" "Do You Love Me?" "Do I look fat?" "Is she prettier than me?" "What would you do if I died?" What are the correct answers to these questions, since men has failed to grasp the answer as of yet.
--P. Diddy, New York, NY.
A: Wrong Answers: "Porn." "You're so nice..." "Those jeans make your butt look flabby." "She's a swimsuit model, what do you think?" "I'd probably go after your best friend for some grief sex." Correct Answers: "What I'm gonna get you for your birthday." "Like Pooh loves honey." "You couldn't look fat if you ate an entire pig!" "You're the prettiest girl this side of the equator!" "I would kill myself." White lies keep girls with guys. (copyrighted)

Q: What is the absolute worst food/drink combo that you could eat or drink when hungover?
--J. Bieber, Cheyenne, WY.
A: I always thought eggs were the worst thing you could possibly have hungover. Ugh. Your digestive system already hates you. And eggs? Ugh. Couple that with a glass of milk and I think you'd be on a one-way road to diarrhea town. Poop joke!

Q: What's the one booze you've never had that you most want to try? Do you think you ever actually will?
--Z. Galifawhatever, Los Fransisco, Can.
A: As an avid watcher of Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel, his visit to Laos inspired me to want to try this rice liquor Lao Lao. It sounds like motor oil mixed with alcohol mixed with llama piss. It makes me all giddy inside. Realistically, I'll probably never try it. But hey, that's what I thought about my chances of having sex with a midget and that's happened. So you never know I guess!

Q: Isn't it too hard to have sex while both of you are covered in butter and oil? I think you'd be a slipin' and slidin' all over the place!
--J. Aniston, DesperationLand, USA.
A: What the...I believe you would sir. I'm more prone to Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. I don't care if it's on me or the girl or my ice cream that chocolate is going into my mouth PRONTO. Like now, motherfucker. Butter? What are you, a waffle? That's disgusting. (squirts chocolate sauce into mouth straight from the bottle)

Q: We all know vodka's the best alcohol for mixing....but what's the worst?
--H. Katrina, New Orleans, LA.
A: It has to be absinthe. Oh my god, there is NOTHING you can mix that shit with. It was made for you to taste how shitty it tastes No. Matter. What. Literally, google absinthe mixers and they'll say water. WATER?! Watered-down absinthe, hooray, now it tastes like watered down ass instead of just ass. But absinthe is a good time, ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I love absinthe.

Q: I was thinking the other day while watching (insert any women's "sport" here) that "these players seems drunk they're playing so bad!" What would be the funniest sport to actually watch with all the players really drunk?
--R. Hianna, Birmingham, AL.
A: Hahaha. That is a great idea. You'd want a sport that there could potentially be a lot of pain. I think football would be almost too much. Baseball would just be boring. It would have to be hockey, wouldn't it? People skating all over the place, falling down flat on their faces, going for checks and just smashing into the plexiglass. That would be comedy gold! Somebody spike the Red Wings' Gatorade!

Q: OK, Big Question Here. I was browsing the web, like always, just google searching flexibility for this physics dissertation I'm working on. I came across this picture
My Question Is This: How do I get my Girlfriend to do this?
--Some Guy, Everywhere.
A: God, I wish I took gymnastics. The answer is....you don't. Nobody actually gets to have sex with female gymnasts. It's a myth. A beautiful, sexy myth. Oh, come hither Nastia.........

Sometimes You Lose Bets. Which Brings Me To My Next Point: The Most Influential Stage Musicals of the 20th Century

2010-03-31T14:18:00.007-05:00

Admittedly, I would never even think of writing anything about musicals on my alcohol blog. But after losing a ridiculous bet, in which the Goo Goo Dolls were referred to as a "Rock and Roll" "band", I decided that I'd relish the chance to tackle the stage. Why? Well, if nothing else than to prove that I can make something I know nothing about seem like The Second Coming of Christ in blog form. No Use in wasting time. Let's get to the 10 Most Influential Stage Musicals of the 20th Century Onwards.

10. RENT
First Staged: April 29, 1996 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: 5,124
Influence: Besides "Seasons of Love" becoming a big hit outside the music, the cultural impact of Rent is substantial. Dealing with controversial themes such as AIDS, homosexuality, and being a snobby New York artist, it was controversial from the onset. With it's cheap ticket prices, catchy music, and taboo themes, it become very popular among youngsters, ushering a generation's worth of love for musical theatre that likely wouldn't have been obtained otherwise. But I will forever dislike it for influencing my Catholic High School to make everyone sing "Seasons of Love" at the end of every mass.

9. Les Miserables
First Staged: 1980 (Paris)
Shows Performed: 6,680 (not including revival)
Influence: This historical fiction wonder has spurned out popular songs like "I Dreamed a Dream" and "On My Own," which I hear are quite beautiful. Even though French people suck, a good tale of redemption is welcome as long as some French people die. There are no spoken lines in this musical, every line of dialogue is sung. How annoying would that be in real life? "Honey, I forgot the keyssssss!" The French Revolution is one of the most interesting topic in history, and the fact the a musical about it became so popular is quite something.

8. Hair: The American Tribal Love-Rock Musical
First Staged: April 1968 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: At least 4,000, including revivals.
Influence: This one is quite the controversial one. It began the genre of "rock-musicals," used a racially integrated cast, and invited the audience on stage for the ending. It's hippie-counter cultural themes (Like smoking weed and not working) and music made it extremely popular in an anti-Vietnam America, even having a few of its songs used as protest songs. Profanity, sex, drugs, degradation of the American flag, and nudity? Count me in! "Hair" quite simply came out at the perfect time, with the perfect topic.

7. South Pacific
First Staged: April 7, 1949 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: At least 5,000 but probably many more. It was hard to find an exact number. There were a ton of revivals.
Influence: I'm assuming this about the South Pacific island during World War II when they were getting capped and bombed and crap but I don't feel like reading about it. So what I'll tell you is this: it's the only musical to ever win all 4 acting Tony's. Most of it's songs have become worldwide standards and it is one of the best reviewed musicals to ever grace the magnificent stage.

6. Fiddler On the Roof
First Staged: September 22, 1964 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: 3, 242 (Not including revivals)
Influence: Being a Jew in Russia is probably STILL tough, so I can't imagine it in 1905. Being one of the only ones on the list I've actually seen, and fallen asleep to, you'd think I'd know more about it. Well, the only thing I remember really is that "I'm a rich man..." song. But from what I read, it is one of the highest selling and best reviewed musicals ever. It's spawned a successful film adaptation and is known around the world. Except Russia, I presume. And any musical that supports anti-Russian sentiment is OK by me.

5. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
First Staged: March 1, 1979 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Including revivals, around 1,000
Influence: This thriller was interesting in that it's such a bloody, angry, but somehow catchy musical. I'm thinking that's how it got so popular. It probably has the best premise for any musical on this list, as murder, revenge, and characters with a great deal of mystique are already interesting. Throw in catchy music and you might just be onto something! Coupled with a decent film, Sweeney Todd is unlike anything else on this list and that's precisely the reason it's on here.

4. Cabaret
First Staged: November 20, 1966 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Around 4,000 (including revivals)
Influence: "Life is a Cabaret, old chum." Indeed. A racy play that wasn't afraid to delve into the issues, "Cabaret" was about more than just dancing. Set in Pre-WWII Germany, it's about a romance between a American writer and a British dancer in the Kit Kat Klub. Now, I've also seen this one, although it was a college performance, and I quite liked it. The music is snappy and perfect for the subject matter, and would be controversial for the 60s. The club plays a good metaphor for the state of the country at the time, and it really is heartbreaking at times. So...yeah, that's why it's here.

3. My Fair Lady
First Staged: March 15, 1956 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Close to 5,000 (not including revivals)
Influence: Many refer to My Fair Lady as "the perfect musical" and I'm hard pressed to disagree, since I haven't seen it, nor do I know a lick about it. Turning Eliza Doolitle into a lady captured the hearts and ears of many viewers, smashing box-office records and redefining the musical. Plus, tons of its songs have grown to be part of popular culture, as well as their own Wikipedia pages. Critics throughout the ages have praised it continuously without fail. My Fair Lady? More like My OUTSTANDING Lady! Ugh. Moving on....

2. West Side Story
First Staged: September 27, 1957 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: Over 2,000 (not including revivals)
Influence: By far the most recognized and imitated musical of all-time, West Side Story is perhaps the most iconic musical there is. It truly brought about a turning point in American theatre. With it's dark themes, complicated songs and dance numbers, and, most of all, it's focus on social problems were extremely new concepts for the theatre going public to see. That's not even mentioning how popular the score of the musical was/is. Rave reviews and extremely positive audience reaction aside, West Side Story truly changed the way American theatre was done from then on.

1. Gypsy: A Musical Fable
First Staged: May 21, 1958 (First Broadway Show)
Shows Performed: 702 (not including revivals)
Influence: Through all my searches and analysis, Gypsy kept coming up number one. Dealing with the hardships of a gypsy trying to make it in the musical theatre business, it's a very American tale of trying to succeed in a country with so many opportunities. Some say it's American musical theater's answer to King Lear, which I've heard of so it must be popular. The staging and choreography are said to mesh perfectly with the musical comedy's tone and the score is funny, catchy, and written by two of musical theater's most popular and creative composers. It's tough, it's raw, but it's funny and touching. It's got everything musical theater promises for it's audience and performers, both as a metaphor and as a reality. Gypsy is a story of an ambitious mother fighting to get her daughters successful on the stage. And sometimes, the simplest, most direct metaphors are the most powerful. Create a successful pop song and you're a star. Create a successful pop song with a powerful metaphor and you're a genius. And Gypsy may just be the work of pure genius.

Drunk With Power

2010-03-29T19:02:00.001-05:00

HIstory is a funny thing. What you read in textbooks or what you perceive to have happened isn't always the case. As history is most often written by the winners, facts and details are often skewed to skew future perspective. But make no mistake, one thing never changes, no matter how long the timeline: everyone wants the power. The ones that get it often abuse it to further their own agenda or just simply keep themselves on top. But history's most evil men often skew perspective. So I've decided to take a bit of perspective back. Here are Drunk With Power: The True Motivations Behind History's Most Evil Dictators.

Adolf Hitler

Mini-Bio: Hitler is synonmous with evil and the Holocaust. He was born in Austria, poor, and moved to Germany in 1913. His mustache is also a risky look, but he seemed to pull it off.
Years in Power: Was Chancellor (Dictator) of Germany from 1933 to 1945.
True Motives: Hitler killed a lot of Jews, as you all well know. His anti-semitism started in Vienna as a child, as Vienna was a hotbed for religious intolerance and racism at the time. Contrary to what most know, anti-Semitism and angst towards the Jewish people was already in high supply in Germany before Hitler came to power. It's just that no politician would say it--until Hitler. Hitler's popularity grew immensely and quickly. As the Great Depression hit, angst towards Jews hit a fever pitch, as the Jewish people ran most of the business that remained unaffected by the financial disaster that hit most of Germany's working class. With Hitler saying what the people were thinking, it was only a matter of time before Hitler had unlimited power and the Jewish people were being executed for the mere crime of just being alive.

Joseph Stalin

Mini-Bio: Stalin was born in Georgia, when it was still just a province in the Russian Empire. He is known for his careless quotes about genocide and having a very well-groomed mustache, as opposed to Hitler. Was studying to be a priest but was expelled for not being able to pay tuition.
Years in Power: Ruled over the Soviet Union from 1922-1953.
True Motives: After leaving the seminary, Stalin became a revolutionary whilst committing petty crimes like bank robbery, before moving up to murdering other revolutionaries. He was arrested and sent to Siberian exile SEVEN times, but escaped back to civilization every time. He met Lenin by overthrowing a newspaper editor and supporting the upheaval of the Tsar, then in power. He helped Lenin escape to Finland and was tight with him until he took power. Stalin was his 2nd-In-Command and when Lenin died, Stalin took power. He created a personality cult around him, tightened intelligence agencies, and started to arrest and deport citzens for the smallest suspicion of anti-government behavior. His forced crop collectivization caused a massive famine and nearly 15 million deaths. Stalin's rise and time in power needed no motivation--the man truly believed he was doing the right thing, at least for himself. Paranoia and ego was the only motivation he needed.

King Leopold II

Mini-Bio: Took over the throne upon his father's death and facilitated numerous building projects across Belgium through his mining and raping of the Congo Free State, now known as the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Years in Power: Was King of Belgium from 1865-1909 and founder/owner of the Congo Free State.
True Motives: Leopold II was not the smartest man to ever take the Belgian crown. He believed it was essential to his legacy and his country's legacy to add overseas colonies to Belgium's rule. He established the Congo Free State, as it was rich in ivory and rubber, but the jungle terrain was unfamiliar and deadly. As it was already an expensive and debt-ridden venture, he ordered forced labor among the natives. Enslavement, torture, mutilation, and forced labor in the harsh jungle condition caused upwards of 5-15 million deaths among the natives, likely leaning towards the higher number. That was half the Congo Free State's population. His take over of the Congo Free State also influenced other countries such as France, Germany, and Portugal to mimic such tactics to rape and exploit other African lands. In other words, Leopold's drug was greed and the African people were the only ones to feel the negative effects, Leopold II dying comfortably and unpunished in Belgium years later.

Kim Il-Sung

Mini-Bio: There's little consensus as to the true origins of Kim Il-Sung (Father of now-batshit insane ruler of North Korea, Kim Jung-Il), he became president by being appointed by Stalin as a communist figurehead. He was "created out of nothing" by Stalin, so the North Korean people surely thank him for that.
Years in Power: President (Dictator) of North Korea from 1948-1994
True Motives: North Korea was poor at the end of the Korean War and Kim's hold on power was weak. He scared his people into fearing him by, like Stalin, purging some of its population and sending them to work camps or killing them, without even a dummy trial, which Stalin at least had the semi-decency to do. His purges of a large percentage of the population continued throughout his reign, to both quell the poverty/starvation overtaking his country and to prevent political dissidence. North Korea was/is isolated completely and without much help from it's allies, Kim Il-Sung used the little resources North Korea had to build up an army and live in luxury.

Pol Pot

Mini-Bio: Rose from a moderately wealthy upbringing to leader of the Khmer Rouge, the Cambodian Communist Party, due to his literal stupidity, as the group wanted to appeal to the uneducated.
Years in Power: Was Prime Minister of Democratic Kampuchea (modern day Cambodia) from 1976-1979
True Motives: Pol Pot was influenced by his time in France, where he joined numerous Communist organizations. He quickly rose in the Khmer Rouge when he returned to Cambodia and became it's leader. The group took over the government because of a disagreement over the price of rice. America's Vietnam campaign, which spilled over occasionally into Cambodia, gave Pol Pot increased support among the population. He evacuated entire urban cities to the countryside for forced labor to collect crops, as the country was sinking into poverty. It's said about 2 million people, or a quarter of the population, died in work camps under his reign. He forced large groups to literally dig their own mass graves. Pol Pot's motivation was to create a utopian society in which everyone was a peasant farmer, calling this "Year Zero" and his power was fragile, moving the educated, influential people from urban areas into labor camps, basically destroying the opposition. Paranoia and delusion were Pol Pot's drink(s) of choice.

Ismail Enver and The Three Pashas

Mini-Bio: Went to military school most of his life. Was a leader of a Turkish youth movement that successfully overtook power, as well as the leader of numerous military conquests thereafter.
Years in Power: Minister of War and Part of The Three Pashas, a three-way dictatorship in the Ottoman Empire until the end of the Ottoman Empire and his exile (1913-1918).
True Motives: Non-Muslim sentiment was widespread in the Ottoman Empire (Turkey), with Jews and Christians not even able to obtain equal rights. Under the military dictatorship, Armenians started to ask for autonomy and equal rights, and eventually unrest and massacres of Armenian civilians occurred all over the countries. And it was then that mass burnings, poisonings, and death marches were ordered with extermination camps set up to destroy the Armenian people. The motivation behind the killings were simply religious intolerance and ignorance, along with military strategy with Armenia sitting right between Russia and Ottoman Empire. Enver lived for military strategy and could care less about the lives of Christian Armenians that got in his way of Russia.

Mao Zedong

Mini-Bio: Mao was a poor Chinese peasant who rose gradually through the ranks until he became one of the most important people in the history of China and the 20th century.
Years in Power: Chairman of the Communist Party of China (Dictator) from 1943-1976
True Motives: Mao's motivations were the same as Stalin's: to create a country full of workers making the same amount of money and living equally. Mao had a much larger population to deal with, making it impossible to feed the hungry hard-working Chinese picking crops. Thus, famine ensued and millions upon millions died. Many assume that Mao used this to lower the ever-growing Chinese population and be able to feed, but it's impossible to know his true motivations. Like Stalin, Mao also had labor camps, detaining political dissidents, journalists, and anti-communists. Mao's case is the most interesting because, besides the 40-60 million that died under his reign, the more people that he killed, it's unknown as to why he became so paranoid. He gave his soldiers "death quotas" in addition to the mandatory killings he ordered. He formed a personality cult, with nobody being able to speak out with fear of death. Unlike other dictators, Mao truly believed he was helping the Chinese people create a better China. His true motivation was really to create a better China, and not for selfish reasons. Tragedy notwithstanding, Mao truly was one of the interesting politicians to ever live.

The Weekend Battle: How much is too much on the 1st Date?

2010-03-26T13:58:00.002-05:00

The Weekend Battle is back for the second week in a row and this week we have a great debate between myself and my alterish-ego that writes this ridiculousness. Why waste any time though? Let's battle it out Mikel Dolena! How Much Is Too Much Drinky On the First Date?

0-1 Drinks
How To Greet Your Date in German(y)
The Impression You're Making: I'm too nervous to order more than one drink because I (a) really like you or (b) want to leave as soon as possible.
Too Much? Not at all. Although it might seem a little weird if one of you orders a double martini and the other sticks with water. This is what most people stick with. Why you ask? Well, the answer is simple: most people don't like being judged. And a first date is basically a job interview. "Oh you've got relationship experience? You have a lucrative job? That large bulge in your pants isn't an iPhone?" All common questions that one gets on a first date. Unless you're Amish.

2-3 Drinks
"High-Five! Wait...No, I'm Breaking Up With You."
The Impression You're Making: I can let loose a little bit and I'm subconsciously wanting a little bit to happen tonight.
Too Much? It's only too much if you're the only one doing it. Drinking on a date is a good way to get to "know:" someone. Also, it depends what you're drinking. Two or Three glasses of wine? Nothing wrong with that. But if you're getting two or three long island iced teas you might wanna re-think your strategy. However, if you really want something to happen (I'm talking about sex, people) you should maybe bring up something like "Oh, maybe we should get a bottle of wine? I don't know about you, but I don't have to work tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!" OK, maybe not. That sounds a little creepy.

4+ Drinks
In Soviet Russian, Mail-Order Bride Buys You!
The Impression You're Making: I'm an alcoholic, a slut, or I just wanna get laid tonight.
Too Much? Unless you're having a first date at a bar, this is just too much. You are a loose hussy. A crazy ho. Me and all my bro friends look down on your kind. Doesn't mean we ain't gonna hook up later though, boo. I'll take you back to my place, we can put on the Kool and the Gang CD, maybe pop open a bottle of some of that classy Arbor Mist wine you like. Mmhmm. Then I'll call you sometime later this week. If I get time, I'm swamped at work lately, girl. No, that girl in the picture by my bed is my sister, not my girlfriend, don't be silly! We aren't kissing, you're just a little drunk. OK, you should go though. My number is 550-55055. No, that's not 10 numbers. No, I don't have an area code. OK BYE!

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: Fight to the Finish

2010-03-24T17:19:00.005-05:00

Welcome ladies and men to the final real-time pom pom review. And we can all breathe a little deeper knowing that, although the Bring it On series is over, it still lives on in our hearts. I figured Id finish this segment while I still have time on my hands so let's get right down to brass tacks and watch some cheerleading I'm psyched. Drunk Real-Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On 438

00:00:00: It doesn't matter what I'm drinking since, when you're watching Bring It On 5, everything taste like dog pee. Not coincidently, I think my dad's girlfriend's dog that we're watching just peed on my bedroom rug. That's dynamite.

00:00:30: Hmmm Christina Milian is the lead. She's looking OK.

00:01:24: Stereotypical black people face off versus male latin gang members in a cheer off. I'm not joking.

00:02:09: Is it ironic when Mexicans wear wife beaters while dancing to "Lean Like a Cholo"?

00:02:42: More dancing. It could be worse, they could be acting.

00:03:12: Oh it's a dream and Christina's pissed her mom married a gringo. So cliche.

00:03:45: Poor her. She has to go live in Malibu. That's the worst.

00:04:40: Last day in East LA. Do white people actually marry latina women? Ay yay yay overpopulationa.

00:05:32: These people are making it hard to make fun of them by not doing anything. Do something.

00:06:15: Oh here we go. This guy does a head bob everytime he ends a sentence. I wonder where he got that habit....

00:06:49: Now they're going through security to get into class. I remember this one time at my high school, we all had to stay in line for a fire drill. That's kinda similar, no?

00:07:55: Latin people sure do have big butts. That's all I got.

00:08:27: A "cheer-wreck" and "cheer-ocide" is more like it, morons.

00:09:00: I think I could jump through those girls earings. OOOOO sexy latin music in spanky shorts. This rum is starting to taste good.

00:09:49: Hmmm yeah wipe yourself off girl. Wipe that sweat all over. Wait thats gross.

00:10:27: Broken spanish, so heartwarming as Christina says goodbye to beautiful Compton.

00:11:09: Pan out and we get a nice little view of LA. Or Salt Lake City, whatever they could afford probably.

00:11:59: I like her silver belt. So shiny.

00:12:36: This is alot sadder than the other Bring It On's. I know...shocking.

00:13:11: What the hell is this ginger doing here? Don't they know this is about disadvantaged minorities overcoming possible odds?!

00:14:00: Damn that girl is like really ginger. It's like they put makeup on her to make her more ginger. But how can you take away more of a soul that's not there?

00:14:36: Chrissy's wearing an "I'm so gangster" shirt. I think if you have to wear that shirt, you're as gangster as me when I had blonde hair.

00:15:11: Ginger's got a cheer cabinet full of cheer trophies. WILL THEY LEARN TO CHEER-SPECT EACH OTHER?

00:15:55: Three Jaguar's pull up in a row and the girls that get out....guess their nicknames....yup, The Jaguars. AND they're cheerleaders.

00:16:40: Bicker Bicker Bicker Wah Wah Wah. I can smell the menstruation.

00:17:30: Oh, they're Cuban. I'd smoke you, but that'd be illegal. Nope, that was too much. Terrible, Mike.

00:18:11: Preppy guy named Evan is wearing neon under a sweater with weird hair. My guess: closeted man-lover.

00:19:09: Label-whores. I don't get the nickname "Jalepeno," is that some sorta Malibuian thing?

00:19:55: Good point. Why DO people say No Offense then just offend you? Life lessons from the Asian nerd with a lisp!

00:20:39: Hydraulics leads to a sex joke leads to my second drink.

00:21:41: She gets to take a limo home? This bitch is mopey for a Cuban. Does that make sense?

00:22:20: Now the ginger looks ever LESS ginger. These makeup people need to fiiiiiired

00:22:59: White people dancing in yellow. At least Christina has hear cleavage hanging out. Why do latin people wear such annoying earrings. They're distracting me from her boobs.

00:23:58: She's gonna fall for the man-lover. Could've called that one. And Christina shoots a basketball like my girlfriend shoots....you know what? I'm gonna stop there. (Hint: I was gonna say pool. POCKET POOL! BWAHAHAHHAHA!)

00:24:59: Damn I need to get her personal trainers number. But how can she do all these cheers while not looking at them and being with them for the first time? I'll let it go, since the rest of the movie is Oscar quality.

00:25:49: Christina made the team and was named team captain. Captain of Latin-Boobville.

00:26:22: Anyone ever have Cuban food? I have a hankering for some Cuban Fish Tacos. (note: vagina references are always funny)

00:27:16: Hahaha the horn was a Mexican Hat Dance. But they're CUBAN.

00:28:01: No cheerleader left behind. That's been the plan from day 1, darling. That's why we let it go that you're all dumb.

00:28:44: A Dora the Explorer reference....can't go wrong there. (the sad thing is, I'm not joking.)

00:29:19: OK, you can't just put the word cheer in front of everything. Cheerbarasment? Look in the mirror, everyone in this movie.

00:30:00: A lot more cleavage and skankiness in this one. Hooray!

00:30:30: Sea Lions vs. Jaguars! I'd like to see who'd win....UNDERWATER!

00:31:01: That's not the only reason that girl dances with her tongue out!

00:31:29: That girl needs a tummy tuck. Oh don't act like I'm vain. 104 pounds is too much and you know it.

00:32:34: What's that girl complaining about? Christina is rocking it like T-Party. Is that a rapper? It should be. Think about it.

00:33:29: All her friends are moving into their Malibu house. Not stereotypical latinos at all. Next they'll be carpooling!

00:34:19: Shake what yo' mama gave you? They're white, silly Latins! You get butts, we get money.

00:34:55: How does this Cuban dude have sick rims/hydraulics and a customized license plate? Oh wait, he bummed some cash for gas. Back to normal.

00:35:45: I think man-lover and Christina are cheersexing. DIRTY!

00:36:28: Oh man-lover and the weird latino dude are bonding.

00:37:09: A latin bro? Can I be a white homey?

00:38:00: Pathetic, man-lover. Say something charming already and charm me. I mean Christina.

00:38:38: Basketball game. Cheering at halftime. Wait, I don't get it....why are the Latin girls from Compton at the Malibu school? I'll let it go, but only because I'm expecting big things from this franchise in the future.

00:39:44: Say what you will about bitches, they sure are hotter than nice girls.

00:40:30: Classic sea-lion vs. jaguar battle. WHO WILL RULE THE ANIMAL KINGDOM OF THE MALIBU JUNGLE?

00:40:54: The only time "This is sea lion territory" have ever been uttered in the history of cinema.

00:41:38: Chiquita Banana? Classic!

00:42:09: I just checked....this movie is 110 minutes! What happened to my mericful 90 minute runtimes?

00:43:11: How DO latin girls move their hips like that? Who cares. Why am I questioning perfecton.

00:44:00: Lisp Fried Rice is getting down with the Latin Kings. It's not racist if it's delicious.

00:44:50: I think Christina is wearing glitter as a top. What would your mother say? (Thanks for the free money, Christina chiciquita bonita)

00:45:48: Man-lover is wearing a fedora. I love fedoras. Their like the white sombreros.

00:46:18: Lisp asian is hot now. And I haven't even had any sake yet.

00:47: 22: You just can't be looking at people? This is stranger than that time I got lost and asked for directions to Anchorage and the guy told me to "Just take Lake Shore Drive 3 miles north." Is there cocaine in my rum?

00:48:49: Graffiti jeans! The new trend in East Los. Catch ON NOW

00:49:14: I never thought I'd say this, but that is one badass plant.

00:49:30: Hold your chest up. Take Christina's advice, all girls that are reading this. A push up bra wouldn't hurt either.

00:50:30: Christina wears alot of Abercrombie for someone from Compton.

00:51:01: And with a little inspiration, the reject cheerleaders are now professional dancers. It's a Malibuiricle!

00:51:38: A Cheer-gasm has made it's first appearance and it's because of a guy in pink. I mean....he's gotta love cock.

00:52:49: How is the ginger this pale? She lives OFF THE BEACH.

00:53:28: How come gay boys always get the hottest girls? Am I right, men?

00:54:22: Acoustic guitar? They should've just casted John Mayer in the role of douchebag metrosexual.

00:55:19: That is some epic bird shit that ruined a kiss. Thank god.

00:55:40: MONTAGE TO CHEESY POP MUSIC ON THE BEACH. WELCOME TO THE OC, BITCH.

00:56:39: Haha the United Nations. Cause they're all minorities. Hahaha.

00:57:23: Hold up, I'm tweeting.

00:58:30: Debate about Tila Tequila's nationality. Whore isn't a nationality, girls.

00:59:19: Bluetooth: still only for douchebags.

00:59:40: I'm switching to beer. I'm sorry, I"m just running out of my dad's free booze. And I'm pretty drunk.

01:00:23: Evil plotting.

01:01:31: Illegal cheer-igrants?

01:01:45: Man-Lover feels like Cinderella. My theory is holding more water than a 8-month pregnant fat girl.

01:02:45: Illegal transfers! The team is ruined. Typical sea lions! Always getting into near-extinction!

01:03:55: Polka dot dress. Really, ginger girl? You can afford better. AND WITH THAT COMPLEXTION! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

01:04:49: Ginger just did a absolutely hideous impression of a Latin Robot Girl. Thank god Christina at least called out her dress. And a pop song by Christina herself comes on. How talented.

01:05:55: A Cuban sewing for free? Not stereotypical.

01:06:18: Ginger makeover! Guess what? You still don't have a soul beneath that makeup and yellow polka dots! I don't care how cute as a button you look!

01:07:40: Wow. Leather pants are really bringing out the ass in ass.

01:08:29: Tuck in your shirt with that tie, man-lover.

01:09:23: Lisp Fried Rice was going for sizzling. Only if there's shrimp that comes with you.

01:09:44: LADY GAGA PLAYS AS WE JUST DANCE OUR BAD ROMANCE AWAY FROM THE PAPARRAZI WHILE SHOWING OUR POKER FACES ON OUR TELEPHONES. Shit now I seriously feel like dancing.

01:10:48: I feel a dance off coming on I was in a dance-off once. I didn't win. I know, you're shocked like you're on the electric chair.

01:11:45: If this is a dance-off, what's a dance-on?

01:12:22: Drive by's and chickens. That sounds fun to me, I don't know why white bitch be hatin'.

01:13:03: Christina doens't like being insulted. I do.

01:13:58: Christina just broke up with man-lover. Better than catching him with a failed actor in a cheap bar bathroom.

01:14:40: You can't desert the sea lions. You've already abandonded the chinchillas and look what happened to them!

01:14:41: I'm not ever sure what that meant.

01:15:55: Beautiful courtyard montage. BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS FTW.

01:16:33: They're all quitting the cheer thing. Quitting is so lame. That's why you're in Bring it On 5.

01:17:19: Holy shit the ginger is going crazy with the latina lingada on the white bitches.

01:18:33: I tihnk they just took a limo to East LA, which is about as smart as taking a limo to East LA.

01:19:59: Too much latin music. I don't understand you, go back to your country, white power.

01:20:35: They're all-stars now. So what, I think Jon Lieber made an All-Star Team.

01:21:44: HOw does dancing in East LA help you dance like you're from East LA? Maybe if I moved to Cuba, it would help learn me to be poor. Wait, it probably would. This movies too long.

01:22:45: They all screamed something, but like Baxter the Dog, I don't speak spanish.

01:23:15: Is there a difference between dancing and cheerleading? Me thinks the movie dost protest too much! Sorry, I had to get a Shaekspeare reference in there.

01:24:09: Sometimes you just gotta pin Christina against a locker and kiss her, even though you like penis in your mouth.

01:25:38: Cheerchampionships, Day 1. Wait...there's more than one day of this? God, I hope my children are boys or fat girls.

01:26:19: Seriously, how do you get your abs like that? I used to do 200 situps a day and nothing. Whatever. (eats Haagen Dasz)

01:27:33: WHOA! Forever the Sickest Kid's song "Whoa Oh" is in this movie! That's number 4 on iTunes top 25 most played! Yikes I feel gay!

01:28:50: Toshiba latops. For your cheering needs. ugh, sorry, I'm really running on fumes here.

01:29:29: Hey they made the finals, go figure. And that host from Dancing With the Stars that has boobs talks to me for a second. Eh get a facial.

01:30:25: Lisp Fried Rice all the sudden is hot, limber and I wanna ban......ahhhhh oops.

01:32:22: I haven't really been paying attention because my Heineken was hard to open. The Jaguars did good though. What if one of them got in a car accident and had to drive a Mazda. Would they be the Jagzda's. ugh I really wanted that to turn into a sex joke but i couldn't find it. That's what she said! Haha there I found it.

01:33:29: The ginger's wearing glitter on her face....BUT I CAN STILL SEE HER FRECKLES EWWWW! (Jillie, tell Lucy I'm kidding)

01:34:10: Booty dancing is not chering. NONE of this is. It's just dancing and leg-spreading. Well, I have no problem with that really.

01:35:10: More dancing. If you care, I hate you.

01:36:00: I fast-forwarded to the end of their routine. Sorry, I'm cooking dinner too. I'm domestic like this.

01:36:49: Christina and her ghetto crew won it all. Hooray. Color me drunk. I can't really blame them though, it's not like the makers of this movie were like "hey some drunk guy is gonna real time blog these while drinking let's cater to him!"

01:37:45: That's a big ass trophy. Goes well with their big asses.

01:38:00: Holy shit they're eating Flipsides! Half-pretzel/half-cracker, how can you lose?! YOU CAN'T!

01:38:49: There's some Christina Milian music video but if you think I'm gonna live-blog that shit, you're drunker than an Amish person at Rumspringa. How the FUCK do I know that?

That's it's we're all done. That Asian is sure still hot. Jillie (my beautiful gf).....get this Asians number. What? I thought you loved threesome jokes.

The After-Hours Party

2010-03-22T14:08:00.005-05:00

Ahhh the word "Let's Keep Drinking!" when you leave the bar...is there any more dangerous statement? I think not. Well, besides maybe "I'm gonna kill my wife with a toothpick." The After-Party is an abomination of shit-faced proportions. It's at the point where, besides sex, there's no reason you should stay up any longer. It's a desperate plea for those too drunk to no and too horny to accept no as an answer. But, if you're gonna have one, you should do it right. Necessities of the After-Party.

Seating
If She's Pooping, Is That Picture Less Hot? I Say No.
Examples: Couch(es), Chairs, Beanbags, Toilets, Floors. Anywhere you can put your butt down without being in pain. So like, that girl above? Her sitting on my lap would hurt. Me. Cause she'd be sitting on my boner. And not while having sex...just sitting.
How It Helps Your After-Party: Drunk people are always bumbling, stumbling, tumbling onto the ground, so sometimes it's a good idea to let them sit down (not always. remember: pain is funny on other people). For your party, you're gonna want a few chairs or a couch so they can take part in the trend known as sitting. It's quite fun. Besides, if you don't have somewhere to sit in your place, that's pretty embarrassing. So that "Well, maybe..." from the 225 lb stunner you met at the bar's vending machine will turn into "Do you have any steak?" Or just "No."
Stay Ahead of the Game: Put a tarp or crappy blanket over your couch; that way, the vomit or spilled food will be easier to clean/not make your couch utterly hideous!

Food
You see, it makes sense because the sandwich sorta looks like a penis. And the girl, a hooker.
Examples: Chips, Pizza, Pretzels, a French Roommate that majors in Home Ec.
How It Helps Your After-Party: Drunk people get hungry. There's always one in every group that is hungry at the end of the night. And after they mention it, food seems like a good idea to anyone around them. So it's a good idea to have some food. (Probably is, anyway). Forewarning, it will be mostly gone after they leave but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that drunk people you didn't have sex with ate all your food and left that mess of half eaten edible undies that someone found in your underwear drawer while "looking for a rubber, bro!"
Stay Ahead of the Game: Bring out the shitty, older food that you don't really like! Drunk people will eat anything with salt!

Boobs
Yeah. Those.
Examples: A Cups, B Cups, C Cups, D Cups, DD Cups, Man Boobs.
How It Helps Your After-Party: I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. If Boobs come to the party, other Boobs will want to come to your party. If there are many Boobs, there will be more things to look at. And, if you're lucky, play with. They are also useful if you need milk for your White Russians. What's that you say? Girls aren't just boobs? Hush, B-Cup! I don't hear mammoryspeak from any Boobs under 30C!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Make sure you have a few good porno's loaded for when you get home--just in case!

Cleaning Products
Maids also Work
Examples: Comet, Windex, Paper Towels, Mexicans, Cubans, Colombians, Hot Latina Women that like to get their hands dirty.
How It Helps Your After-Party: The after-party usually resolves in someone getting sick. But the prepared drunk host is a clean drunk host! Invest in some cleaning products or threaten some illegal immigrants that you'll report them to the INS and you should be fine. After all, those Icehouses aren't going to be drank then thrown up while you watch Pablo clean by themselves!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Those people that look like getting sick can just be locked outside until the next morning!

Booze
Pictured: Skol Vodka
Examples: Beer, Vodka, Whiskey, Absinthe, Paint Thinner, Nyquil, Lindsay Lohan's Blood
How It Helps Your After-Party: Generally, people go to after-parties to drink more. So if you have drink, that can help. If not, maybe you can get that pushover in your group to go get some. The after-party is a great way to unload unwanted booze. At the point of drunkenness people are usually at during an after-party, it won't matter if you serve them Kristal or CatPiss Champagne. Rejoice! Hosting the after party usually gives you a better chance at getting laid. Why? Well, drunk people are lazy. If they're already somewhere and hammered they might look for a bed or couch to sleep on. But beware! Don't be The Sexless Innkeeper! Kick them out unless they're getting down! Boom!
Stay Ahead of the Game: Have a condom! They work good for sex things!

The Weekend Battle: Thursday vs. Friday vs. Saturday

2010-03-19T14:11:00.004-05:00

With Thursday gaining such popularity, especially among college students, it leaves one to wonder: what is the best day of the weekend? It has became a three-way battle with this revelation and let me tell you: I know nothing about three-ways. And since I likely will never find out for free, I decided to consult my alter ego on this battle, for he has seen and done it all. I've decided to make The Weekend Battle a weekly segment, coming to you every Friday to prepare you for the upcoming debauchery feasts that you will partake in. But as for today, let's debate it: Thursday vs. Friday vs. Saturday.

Thursday
On Thursday, Taco Bell and Wiener isn't that Uncommon.
Pro's: Thursdays usually bring out the best drink specials of the week, even for suburban and city bars. Bars don't need help getting people out on Fridays and Saturdays but the usually ridiculous Thursday specials tend to draw a crowd. And there's nothing like a few $1 beers to make it feel like it's an early weekend.
Con's: Well, for one, most people have to wake up for work/school on Friday morning so those specials can really hurt the day after. Nobody wants their Friday's to be ruined. And getting worn down on Thursday night can make you look like a loser the rest of the weekend. If you're a pussy.

Friday
Nothing Like the Innocence of a Child to Pick Up Your Spirits
Pro's: Everyone's out and about. Bars are crowded with music. People are in the mood to party. The school/work week is (usually) over and the name of the game is leisure. Parties are "hopping" (do people s till use that word?) and bitches are bopping. Drunken sex is in the air. Life just feels better on Friday.
Con's: Bars can get overcrowded with loud music making it impossible to hear. People are much more belligerent and sometimes annoying. Getting rejected by a drunk person is a real bad blow to the ego. Drunken masturbating is depressing. Rarely any drink specials.

Saturday
I Think That Translates to "Boobs"
Pro's: It's your last chance to let loose before the end of the weekend. Bars and clubs are still crowded. Such establishments are usually open later on Saturdays than any other days. You can acceptably drink all day on Saturdays. More sports games are on to watch while out or before going out.
Con's: People often use Saturdays to relax. Rarely any drink specials. A bad night on Saturday can damper the outlook of the weekend. Spending Sunday, your last day to unwind, hungover can be frustrating. People are just plain drained and it often takes more convincing to get people to go out on Saturday than Sunday.

So, Who's The Winner?
Well, it can be relative but the eternal winner for best weekend day will always be Friday. There is that feeling on Friday's that Saturday or Thursday cannot match. Debate over and settled!

Enjoy your weekend!

St. Patrick's Day: A Drunk History

2010-03-16T18:00:00.007-05:00

St. Patrick's Day is just one of those days that gets people all riled up and such. Green beer, green clothes, green food, green everything. It's a glorious day. But do you know anything about it? I THOUGHT NOT! Well, most of you know about Christmas and Jesus, Thanksgiving and the Pilgrims, and the 4th of July and rednecks. So, I thought I'd spread the greenish words of glory onto those who have little clue what it's all about. Going Green: Facts, Fun, and the History of St. Patrick's Day.

St. Patrick's Day Facts

True Life: I'm a Drunk Irish Low-Level Blogger

-St. Patrick's Day was first celebrated in the 1600's in Ireland, but many Irish claim it was even before then that it was celebrated.
-It's popularity is due to the fact that the Irish Catholics used St. Patrick's Day as a break during Lent, so that they could drink. It eventually became an annual tradition.
-Originally, the color Blue was widely associated with the holiday. The color green was adopted to honor St. Patrick, who used the 3-leaf clovered shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity to the Irish while converting them. And also...Ireland is very green, not blue.
-St. Patrick's Day wasn't as widely celebrated until the Irish government began to promote in the mid-1990s to gain tourism for Ireland and spread the Irish culture, like Australians do with Cinco de Mayo.
-"Erin Go Braugh" means "Ireland Forever." You should ask anyone that says what it means and if they don't know, you should slap them. In the balls.
-Although 38 Million Americans claim Irish ancestry, only 135,000 were born in Ireland.
-St. Patrick was actually born in Britain.

St. Patrick's Day Fun

Asian Girls Drinkin' Guinness. Doesn't Get Much More Irish than that.

-There are 48,000 bars in America that serve green beer on St. Patrick's Day
-"Slainte" is the most common Irish toast, meaning "health."
-Boston has the longest running St. Patrick's Day parade in the United States, the first being in 1737. This was the first St. Patrick's Day parade in the world, ever.
-The only countries that get off work for the day are Ireland, Montserrat, and the Canadian territory Newfoundland. Montserrat, a small Caribbean island, was founded by Irish refugees and the day celebrates a slave uprising in the late 1700s.
-Black and Tans, Irish Coffee, and "Light" beer will all get you made fun of, if you order them in Ireland.

Why Do People Drink on St. Patrick's Day? Just Because?
Pictured: Irish Pride

There is actually a legitimate reason that drinking on St. Patrick's Day became a tradition, besides all the fun. It comes from an old Irish lesson. As it's told, St. Patrick was served a glass of whiskey that was far from full. To teach the bar owner a lesson in generosity, he told the owner that there was a devil in the basement of the bar that grew stronger with every bit of dishonesty that took place inside. To get rid of the devil, the owner must change his ways. St. Patrick returned to the bar some time later, this time to find the owner overflowing customer's glasses with whiskey. He took the owner down to the basement and declared the demon gone. St. Patrick proclaimed afterwords that "everyone should have a drop of the hard stuff" on his Feast Day. This drinking of the hard stuff is known as "Patrick's Pot" or "Drowning the Shamrock," as it is custom to float a shamrock in their drink before imbibing.
Sometime later, in Heaven, St. Patrick was voted the "Saint With the Best Feast Day," just ahead of St. Valentine and little-known saint, St. Flag O'Day.

That's all I have for you....have a fun, safe, and very, very green St. Patrick's Day. Oh, and drunk. Have a drunk St. Patrick's Day!

Origins of Obscenity

2010-03-09T12:02:00.003-06:00

When people are drinking, it's commonplace to get louder and looser with obscene language. But everywhere we go, there's different types of vulgarity. What is offensive here might go unnoticed somewhere else. I thought you should know this the next time you're traveling. Here's a Dolan's Guide to Foreign Offensive Hand Gestures.

V-Sign

Where It's Used: Britain, Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand.
What It Means: "Fuck off, you (French) twat"
It's Origins: During the 100 years war between France and Great Britain, the French would often threaten to cut off the shooting fingers (middle and index) of any archers that were captured. British archers would flash this v-sign (with the palm facing yourself, not the person you're flashing it to) in a sign of utter defiance. Also, they probably didn't believe the French would cut them off anyone. After all, they're French. The only war they've won is against themselves (French Revolution).

Bras d'honneur

Where It's Used: Spain, Portugal, Latin America, Italy, Poland, Russian countries.
What It Means: "Up Yours" or "Fuck Off"
It's Origins: Originated presumably in France, where everything dirty seemingly originates. The bras d'honneur (the arm of honor) is an insulting gesture since it implies someone sticking something so far up a certain opening that it can't go any further. Otherwise, there really is no origin story. Originally though, the French meant to be an ironic pick-up line in bars, since they have small penises.

Moutza

Where It's Used: Greece
What It Means: "Eat Shit" or "Take That"
It's Origins: In 7th Century BC Byzantine (now Istanbul, Turkey), a chained criminal would be paraded around town, sitting on a donkey with their face covered in cinder. Since "moutza" was the word for cinder in ancient Greek, it became known as an insult for a common criminal. Another theory is that these criminals had poop thrown at them and the moutza is how the thrower of poop's hand ended up after they threw it. It's vitally important that, when in Greece, you don't wave goodbye to anyone or show them the number 5 with your hands. Your wine will otherwise be garnished with a bit of saliva.

Open Palm

Where It's Used: Some African and Caribbean countries.
What It Means: "You Have 5 fathers" or "You're a bastard"
It's Origins: Since the loss of parents is much more common in poorer countries like Africa and Caribbean countries, there are more orphans than you could imagine. Thus, one of the more popular and offensive insults is the open palm, basically calling someone a bastard. It's really a sad insult, as poverty really has no winners. And if you did it in America someone would just give you a high five. Which might explain why that Egyptian guy was pissed at me when I high-fived him after spilling my drink on him last week.

Thumbs Up

Where It's Used: Iran, Afghanistan, Nigeria, and parts of Italy/Greece
What It Means: "Sit on my dick, asshole" (hey, don't blame me. i'm just the messenger....of awesomeness!)
It's Origins: Contrary to popular belief, in Ancient Roman gladiator battles, a thumbs up actually meant that the gladiator was to be killed, not spared. In many movies such as Gladiator and Spartacus, they get this historical fact very wrong. Thus, it already had the stigma of being the signal of death, so it made a very smooth transition to being the signal of someone calling you an asshole. Thus, if you're in any of the above areas, you might wanna find a different hand signal if you're gonna hitchhike. But if you're hitchhiking in Nigeria, Iran, or Afghanistan....hand signals are probably the least of your worries.

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: In It To Win It

2010-03-03T21:23:00.000-06:00

The titles just get more and more creative, don't they? Well, the segment you all know (perhaps love?) is back for a limited time. I think this is the second to last in the monumental Bring It On series, so I'll try and finish what I started. After all, nobody likes a quitter. Here we go with Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: In It to Win It

00:00:00: I'm drinking Vodka Martinis. Class class class.

00:00:01: This has a "N/A" on Rotten Tomatoes, so I'm holding out hope that his will be the Citizen Kane of straight-to-DVD cheerleader movies.

00:00:24: What morons are renting this after the three other ones? (*looks in mirror*)

00:01:04: There isn't a hair on screen that isn't blonde.

00:01:33: Script by Mike's Former Gym Teacher

00:02:04: Cheerleader in a Jason mask. What? (Checks title of movie.) Oh yeah, nevermind.

00:03:12: Cheerleading camp is not fun. Tell it, cliche black girl!

00:03:40: "Dibs on their entrails." I swear, that just happened.

00:04:20: Epitomized? That's a pretty big word for Bring It On 4.

00:05:57: That is the blondest blonde I've ever blonded.

00:06:18: Note to self: Guerillia Warfare does NOT involve actual gorillas.

00:07:00: How come girls didn't have these kinda boobs in high school? Would have been such a better excuse for me not getting laid.

00:07:44: I don't think that's the right way to say "you've got skid marks."

00:08:30: This guy is like half-Indian, half-Vietnamese with a rat tail. Which is funny, because Veitnamese eat rat. It's like he's eating his own hair! EWWWWW!

00:09:39: Do girls actually like licking ass? That's gross, ladies. Oh wait, she said abs.

00:10:55: It's true, girls, guys do hate biters.

00:11:31: Sue me, so far I like it.

00:11:59: This girl's name is Chicago? I know black ppl like to be creative, but c'mon.

00:12:50: That'd be hotter if you were in a skirt, darling.

00:13:44: That stick she's holding is full of spirit, alright. And you'll get to feel it's aura all night. (Get it? It was a sex joke.)

00:14:33: The Cheer Gods? Are they named "Like" "Totally" and "Whatever"?

00:14:55: Girl just slapped her ass. BRB.

00:15:42: Inter-cheer-racial relationship. You see, it's funny because their cheerleaders.

00:16:45: Apparently, one of these girls is Ashley Tisdale's sister. I can only imagine that phone call: "Hey, Ashley, wanna do Bring It On 4? Oh ok, can you hand the phone to your sister?"

00:17:38: Cheer skirts, that's better. Don't worry, they're all 18. At least....shit, no more sex jokes.

00:18:39: Points will be deducted for bad facials. Wait...is this porn?

00:19:16: That's not dancing. That's the move I like to call "I'm a Slut So I Call Shaking My Ass Dancing"

00:20:12: Smile, emo girl. JESUS she's wearing vampire teeth. Note to self: Make sure my girlfriend doesn't turn emo.

00:21:00: Drink #2, on it's way. Too early for another drink? Shut up, you're not watching Bring It On 4.

00:21:01: Side Note: Can you use black olives for martinis? If not, I just wasted a ton of vodka.

00:21:15: Fairy Gothmother? Shut up and keep looking good in that bikini.

00:21:57: Cheer off on the beach. Written exculsively by 4th Grader Susie Johnson.

00:23:02: Popped a chubber. Classy way of saying you just got a boner.

00:23:40: This gay guy is annoying. Not because he's gay, but because the guy who wrote this obviously has never met a gay person before.

00:24:32: One conversation with Rat-Tail and this girl's acting like she's in love. See, this is why I chose to be abstinent in high school.

00:25:30: Fire, water, earth and air with the Spirit Stick in the center. cough*TheFifthElement*cough

00:26:40: Why can't I delete you? Funny, that's what I've been thinking for 27 minutes.

00:27:27: This is Romeo & Juliet, mixed with West Side Story, mixed with Down's Syndrome.

00:28:25: Wet T-Shirt Carwashes exist?!?! WHERE?!

00:29:00: Am I high or is that guy wearing a dog hat? WHOA nope. Dude just got his pants pulled off. That is NOT a dog.

00:30:15: Rat tail and the blonde are going on a 40 year long walk. Whatever, I'd still rather be watching this than Dear John.

00:31:01: Asian just made a karate joke. Then got a kiss. How come my karate jokes never work?

00:31:50: This is by far the gayest Latino on the planet.

00:32:34: The Rat Tail Asian wants to dance with the Jewish Princess. Reminds me of my first time. What?

00:33:33: Is that a cameraman in the CENTER OF THE SHOT? Oh wait they mean for us to see it. By "us" I mean "me" since no sane person would ever get this from Netflix.

00:34:38: Somebody jacked the spirit stick. Ha. Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha. BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

00:35:23: OK, I'll say it. Somebody get Ashley Tisdale's sister a lead role in a serious dramatic movie. It'll win Best Comedy at the Golden Globes for sure.

00:36:48: What accent is this woman doing? Southern? Moroccan? Chilean? That would explain the earthquake. What? Too soon?

00:37:45: Hey, you can't go down head first down the slide? Someone kick the gay Latino out of the waterpark!

00:38:17: Now bad things are happening to all of them since they lost the spirit stick. you make your own luck ladies, just ask Dusty Baker in October 2003. JACKASS MOTHERFUCKER.

00:39:28: Wow, those are some nice eyes. I mean, it's not so often you see an Asian guy with baby blues. Whoa shit I'm typing this aren't I....

00:40:25: They are circling a bonfire....doing a "cheersacrifice"....please let it be me.

00:41:00: I wish I had that "Sassy Broadway Show Tunes" CD. I mean, I've been listening to the Wicked soundtrack lately and...it's delightful.

00:42:00: No. They're actually doing it. They are re-enacting a scene from West Side Story. Western Civilization = Over. Kill me. WHO WROTE THIS AND SAID HEY JOHN LETS RE-ENACT WEST SIDE STORY BECAUSE THIS IS BRING IT ON 4 AND WE NEED TO BRING IT!

00:43:12: Chugging faster in hopes that I will blackout from this horrible, horrible scene.

00:44:44: That girl's reading The Art of War. Come to meeeeeeeeeee.

00:45:19: Girl is having a dream about being cheerleading bums. But actually bums. Have you ever seen Evil Dead 2? I feel like it's that, but more......there really is no word. It's just fucking retarded.

00:46:40: DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR CHEER DREAMS! I NEED TO FINISH THE VODKA!

00:47:00: Switching to Red Bull/Vodka. It can't be any worse than the Black Olive Dirty Martini I just had. OR CAN IT? Stay tuned.

00:47:44: Stupid whores. That's all.

00:48:20: Hilary Duff Light? More like Hilary Duff Caffeine Free Diet Light.

00:49:00: Enemies becoming friends. Lovely.

00:49:59: God, I can't stop staring at Tisdale's boobs. Shit, I'm typing again aren't I?

00:50:44: We're the "Shets." Apparently, this is the best combination of Sharks and Jets. Not Sharts?

00:51:55: Booty dancing practice. My favorite kind of practice. Besides sex practice. That's funner.

00:52:31: I don't like this guy's mohawk. It makes him look like a rat-tailed half-Asian wannabee. What? It's not racist if it's true.

00:53:35: So mammy bobbs....so close to each other....must...sign up...for cheer squad...

00:54:28: Tisdale's wearing a lei. Ha. I'd lei her. Get it? I'm pretty clever.

00:55:33: Tisdale's being nice to Rat Tail. I don't like this side of her. I used to know you, Ashley Tisdale's sister.

00:56:20: That is his loss, if you are indeed double jointed, Ms. Tisdale. Meanwhile, my number's 630267941........

00:57:00: "Drinking 40's out the nipple" aka my new life motto.

00:57:45: A black girl that annunciates? hahahahaha. It just keeps getting less realistic!

00:58:34: They're all going around talking about their deepest secrets. It's like that day I saw a divorce therapist and then watched Space jam. Damn, Space Jam FUCKING RULES!

00:59:55: The gay latino is straight. Literally. And now he's getting attacked. Well played, not gay Latino. Well played.

01:00:55: Rat tail's telling Army dad about cheer camp. Rough. FATHER'S SHOULD ACCEPT THEIR SONS. NO MATTER WHAT!

01:01:59: OK, we get it Latino boy, you're not gay. But you are.

01:03:00: Why are they salsa dancing while moaning? Porn?

01:03:54: There's a straight closet, eh? Well, I'm out ladies. Dig in.

01:04:30: The worst. Montage. Ever.

01:05:04: Tisdale quotes The Art of War then walks away with taht fineeeeeee asss. Ugh. Jillie? We need to talk....about how great you are! (Whew....)

01:06:19: It's cheer recon spy shit. I feel liek I'm watching The Bourne Idiocy.

01:07:40: The opposing squad is in "Cheertopia." Meanwhile, I wish I was dead.

01:08:40: Tisdale's hat is bomb. Yeah, I'm down with today's lingo. Shut up, 20 year old haters.

01:09:26: "Straight" Latino's Hawaiian shirt makes me think he might be lying about....something....

01:10:25: I'm really wishing I was a cheerleader. It's so fun!

01:11:28: here we go, cheer camp championships! Why are there so many Asians?

01:12:30: Whoa, black guy didn't stick the landing. That's a points deduction for sure.

01:13:00: I can think of other things you can do while spreading those legs mid-air. But this is a family blog.

01:13:40: People live in South Dakota? I thought that was a myth.

01:14:02: I like making Vodka/Red Bull at home because at the bars it's like $9 for one. But if you do it at home, you just have to buy a Red Bull, which is like $4 and vodka, which is like....shit. It's probably the same. Fuck.

01:14:44: Jumping up and down = not that hard when you're makign a low budget cheer movie.

01:15:07: The following things were said in order: "Cheersaster," "Cheertastrophe," and "Cheerpocolypse of the sun." Ok, i'll give you the last one. I like that movie. It's just as mind-blowing....just in a....completely different way.

01:16:00: A Cheertage! See, i can do it tooo! Hehe haha.

01:16:39: The Mighty Flamingos? SnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnickerSnicker

01:17:34: OK I just have to say it. I wanna do strange things to Tisdale. I'm sorry, my girlfriend, but shes hot and BAM she's on my celeb list. So it's not cheating. Kinda.

01:19:09: SO MUCH PINK! HOW DO I FEEL THIS GOOD SOBERRRRRRRRRR

01:20:17: Rat tail and blondie fall in love. God damn, it's like Cinderella but....(LINE!)...less enchanting.

01:21:00: The Sharts start to perform. Noseplugs ready, people!

01:21:46: Lots of boobs and butts...some cute, some not. Other than that, IDK. Goth girl's looking like pretty do-able at this point. (Stares at drink) Mmmmmmmmm

01:22:50: Do cheerleaders like anal more than regular girls do? Sure seems like it from this scene.

01:23:55: Whoa. They got that move from a roller coaster. It's as dumb as it sounds, don't worry.

01:24:55: Cheer CAmp Competion = The Most Important Thing EVER.

01:25:34: South Dakota came in 3rd place. It's their new state motto.

01:26:00: The good guys won. Today was a fairy tale. Taylor Swift. What? Hmmmm

01:26:40: Rat-tail gets a makeout. And then they are in photoshopped London!

01:27:00: IT'S THE REAL ASHLEY TISDALE! SINGING HER HIT SINGLE "He said, She said." (Secretly likes it...)

01:27:56: The movie is over. Go away.

Also, Netflix: If this DVD smells like Vodka or Red Bull or Both, it wasn't me. It was Shaggy.

The Oscar Drinking Game

2010-03-03T15:58:00.002-06:00

The Oscars can be a little dull sometimes. If you read this, you probably like to have fun. So here's a surefire way to make the Oscars interesting. The Oscar Drinking Game. Enjoy.

Drink 1....
-Everytime they mention James Cameron competing against his ex-wife for Best Director
-For every joke about Avatar or District 9.
-Every time the winners thank their fellow nominees.
-Anytime a movie/actor you haven't heard of is nominated for something.

Drink 2...
-For EVERY award Avatar wins.
-For EVERY time Haiti or Chile is mentioned.
-For EVERY time they cut to James Cameron.
-For EVERY time they cut to a celebrity that has no business being there. (i.e. Jay-Z, Tony Romo, etc.)

Drink 1/2 Your Drink...
-When Sandra Bullock's accent in The Blind Side is made fun of.
-To Get Through the Musical Numbers
-Alec Baldwin does a vocal impression of someone
-Someone trips on the way to the podium.

Drink a Shot...
-If anything other than Avatar or The Hurt Locker win Best Picture.
-If anyone under 50 wins an acting award.
-If someone makes a joke about "Precious"
-If anyone kisses on stage (for real kissing. not a peck on the cheek)
-If there's a nipple-slip.

Kill Self...
-If The Blind Side wins Best Picture.

Chug the Bottle...
-If Kanye or Mickey Rourke drunkenly interrupt the ceremony.

Yes, You Can Kiss Me, But Not Only Because I'm Irish ;-) and Other Immature Responses: The March Mailbag

2010-03-01T00:51:00.001-06:00

It's back, it's back, IT. IS. BACK. February was both a long and short month. Long, in that it's still so cold. Short, because it's black history month and we whites wanted to make it the shortest month. But all that shall be rendered irrelevant as we move into March, which has Madness, St. Patty's Day, and so much green you might just get high or rich from being alive. Now let's move on--The March Mailbag.

Q: What is the best food that comes from a pig?
--S. Tyler, Rockville, CA.
A: Well, if you're a man, it's bacon. Or sausage. Or pork. Goddamnit, the pig is a beautiful animal. Everything but the skin is a pure dynamite sex explosion in your mouth.

Q: Where do you rate the Winter Olympics? Should we give Canada a break since there was good hockey and it's Canada?
--W. Gretzky, Toronto, ON, CA.
A: Besides the Opening Ceremonies, the luger death, and a few other "Canadian ScrewUps", the Olympics will be remembered as a success for the hockey tournament alone. It was quite a spectacle and it will be remembered as the best Olympic Hockey, in terms of quality, that anyone has ever seen. But Canada--You Still Suck. (Ed.'s Note: The Way You Eat Their Maple Syrup, I'd Say You Disagree With that Statement)

Q: You always say "Oh, I've been called worse." OK, drunk ass, what's the worst you've been called?
-Ke$ha, Blechville, USA.
A: Hmmm. I've been called the funniest person someone's ever met and the lamest person someone's ever met. As for the worst--I'd have to say it's gotta be calling "the most over-excessive person i've ever met." Who said it? My Greece study abroad chaperone and 2-time Missouri professor of the year. Yeah. That'll really bring your spirits down.

Q: There's so many food's and actions that have "French" in front of it. (i.e. French Toast, Kissing, etc.). What is the lamest country/place that has a popular distinction?
--C. O'Brien, LaughingAllTheWayToTheBankVille, CA.
A: Belgian waffles? No No. How bout Swedish Fish? The Swedish basically GAVE THEMSELVES to the Nazi's in WW2. So unless we're talking about "California Love" (read: man on man love. not that there's anything wrong with that. Just that I don't think Dr. Dre was talking about that), I think the Swedish are the most embarrassing. Unless, of course, they want to lend a few of those blondes over to the good people at the blog. (read: me. no wait. damnit, my girlfriend reads this. i mean for my friends. yeah, for them.)

Q: What is the worst sport to watch while drinking?
--T. Woods, Bellvue, NY.
A: Anything women are trying to do while running. It's really just more like "awww....look at those ladies trying so hard. So adorable, keep trying to keep up with us, girls. Ha Ha Ha!" GIrl's sports are a joke. Like if my girlfriend told me she wanted to be a pro in some sort of sports, I'd write down in my diary "Jillie made a very funny joke today! She said she wanted to be a sports star! Girls can't do that, she's so silly!" Boom. I just roasted myself.

Q: With St. Patrick's Day coming up, I'm jealous. See, I'm French and I suck. Can you give me (or make up) a day in my history worth celebrating? Might as well do it for all Western European countries with a population over 10 million.
--T. Henry, HandBallAssHouseLandofDEATH, France.
A: OK, Fine. Netherlands--4/20.
France-- Fourth of July. (After all, if it wasn't for us, you'd be celebrating Tag der Unabhängigkeit
Belgium: February 9th (Chocolate Day)
UK--Every day in October is National Oral Hygiene Month!
Germany--Who cares? Anyone that likes you is just acting.
Italy--Falling Down and Acting Like a Baby Day! DIVE IT UP!
Portugal and Spain: Iberian Peninsula Day! (Can be celebrated any day, as long as I don't have to think of any ideas for it)
Czech Republic: We're part of Western Europe?! Hooray For Us Day!

Q: What would you rather have as a pet: a monkey or a kangaroo?
--S. Irwin, Heaven.
A: Hmm. Bananas or boxing...I think a monkey would just be funnier. After all, if it gets out of line you could always spank the monkey. Who can spank a kangaroo? Central Australians. And NOBODY wants to know them.

Q: So I was having sex with this girl the other night. She was about 4'10, Jewish, brunette, and had big boobs. So I thought "Wow, this has to be a unique sexual experience for anyone." I thought of you, only because i wanted to give you a cyber high-five. I don't really have a question.
--A. Rose, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I'd high-five you back, but it doesn't seem like we have anything in common. My girlfriend is 4'9.

Q: What's protocol for getting a girl pregnant on a one-night stand? How obligated am I to do anything?
--D. Beat, Helena, MT.
A: One-Night Stands are sticky situations. However, if she's leaning towards coat hangerin' it, you probably should offer to pay for half. If she wants to keep it...the correct response is "I'm sorry, have I met you?"

Q: I'm throwing my friend a bachelor party pretty soon. I just want to know if there are any rules regarding who I should invite, booze, strippers, etc. Thanks, love the blog. I visit it 26 times a day.
--N.O Treal, Figmentationland, OR.
A: There are only a few rules to a bachelor party and I'll list them for my brother in need:
--No sex for the groom. If there is, there is no telling for FEAR OF DEATH.
--No inviting anyone from the bride's side. Unless: a) you were friends (good friends) with him before you met the girl, or b) they're paying.
--The groom shall not pay for a single thing.
--Those blonde strippers better be gorgeous.
--You shall only drink the groom's favorite alcohol all night. After all, he may not get to drink it much after he's married/has kids.
--The groom can veto all these rules and set his own.

Q: I'm a 21 year old virgin, I'm waiting until marriage to have sex with my boyfriend. Recently, I gave another guy a blowie while drunk. Am I still a virgin? Should I tell your boyfriend?
--T. Reid, HaHaHa, NM.
A: Haha. Sexually inexperienced people are funny. BUT I SHALL NOT INSULT! After all, I was you once. You did cheat on your boyfriend, so tell him that but please please please re-think your strategy. If you don't have sex until marriage, you are taking one of the worst risks of all time. Sex is an important part of the spark/chemistry that goes into a relationship and if taht part's not compatible, you will be unhappy for a long, long time.

Q: Is there any sort of protocol for an actual 5-second rule while dropping something on the floor?
--H. Ballsack, Terre Haute, IN.
A: The 5-second rule was invented for a reason. If it drops on the floor and looks delicious, you have 5 seconds to pick it up on eating. The only reasons that can cancel the rule out are these: a) you are on a date, b) the floor looks gross from the start, or c) you aren't hungry.

Q: What's "Guy Law" for bumping into someone and spilling their drink?
--W. Houston (when she was on crack), DreamWorld, NV.
A: Surely, it depends. You should buy the guy's drink back, in full, without question. Unless the following stipulations occur:
--It's a high-end liquor that you can't afford
--you're in the mood for fighting
--you are having sex with his girlfriend/mom
--he's Russian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Laotian, North Korean, or Cuban. (read simply: communist)

Q: Is there any particular place you put the boogers that you pick when your alone? Mine is under the the couch. It gets vacuumed and nobody looks down there. Win Win.
--Owl City Lead Singer's Painful Death, WhoCaresWhereAsLongAsItHappensTownship, IA.
A: That's disgusting! I would never pick my nose and put it under the rug unless I'm at my girlfriends house, in which case I'd put in a kleenex and leave it WHO KNOWS WHERE just to freak her out hahahahahaa. HA! You are gross sir.

Q: Have you heard about this new thing Chat Roulette? I hear girls go on it alot so they have an excuse to look at penises but act like they are freaked out by it to save face.
--R. Smart Guy, WashingtonDC.
A: Chat Roulette is a pretty fun concept, I guess, if it weren't for lonely guys with no shame (read: 33% of American Males). If it weren't for all the wieners, it'd be pretty fun. But even then, you still get a German techno freak or something. Is it worth the risk? It's like roulette. Why bet on it when there's such a small chance on winning. Unless you bet on black of course. Black always wins.

Q: When does it officially become rape? I feel like with many girls having called "wolf" in the past, it's easy to blur the lines.
--Weirdo, WhereverWeirdosAreFrom.
A: This is the weirdest question. Rape is rape whenever the girl feels discontent about any sort of sexual contact. If it's not rape, it's at least sexual assault and you deserve the 5-10 you'll be doing being you're cellmate's girlfriend Wanda.

Q: The Oscars are coming up. Who's gonna win Best PIcture? Should I care?
--J. Cameron, San Fransisco, CA.
A: In a perfect world (500) Days of Summer would win the Oscar. In a normal world, Avatar would win. In an genre-friendly world, Inglorious Basterds would win. But, in our world, The Hurt Locker will win because it's a good movie about our recent war that critics want to get behind. It's not a bad choice--it's just not the right one, as usual.

Q: Is there a better timewaster than Sporcle.com? I THINK NOT!
--J. Elfman, RememberThatShowDharmaAndGreg?IWasInIt!
A: There are better time wasters. They are called drinking, masturbating, and sex. Anything else would be uncivilized.

Q: Irish people suck and so do you. Why should anyone read your damn blog, you stupid potato eating Mick? Go suck on a Guinness flavored potato sandwich while Ireland gets hit the hardest by the recession. Also, I've been seeing this American girl lately. Any advice?
--AllofEngland, UK.
A: As for your need for advice about American girls: buy her something and bring condoms, since the world stereotype is slutty. If you're trying to bag and English girl, just make sure you have a paper bag to put over her head. And don't diss the potato sandwich. It's delicious.
But on a more serious not, instead of writing an entire blog about it, I just want my readers to be educated about why they get to get hammered on St. Patrick's Day every year. Well, the Irish had to (and, to an extent, still have to) suffer the consequences of British rule. Famine, persecution, and apathy towards the Irish race has led to complete ignorance, racism, and violence on both sides. See, the Irish had their own Holocaust which led to over a million deaths, deportations, and immigrations that caused the population of Ireland to decrease by more than 30%. And if you're Irish-American, just know that you might have been born in Ireland happily without British persecution. So next time you say "The Luck of the Irish," just know that the phrase was invented to be ironic--since the Irish have never had any luck.

Sorry to end the mailbag on a depressing note. But not all months are fun! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the mailbag. Have a great month, Irishites and Heathens!

Drunk Past: Jesus H. Christ

2010-02-24T21:48:00.006-06:00

I've decided to start a new segment. I love history, so I'm gonna write about it. Don't worry. It's gonna be the same ol' vulgarity that my skinny Irish fingers can conjure up. Welcome to my very new segment: Drunk Past. It's where I profile an event, person, or trend in the past that has to do with alcohol or general drunkenness. Why not start with the man that started it all? That's right: Jesus. (Ed.'s Note: This may be where he finally crosses the line)

Jesus Christ

Profile
Name: Jesus H. Christ
Profession: Son of God, Jesus' Happy-Time Carpentry Shop Owner
Special Skills: Raises Dead, Rises from Dead, Walks on Water, Turns Water into Wine, Maintains Majestic Hair in Time Period Not Known for Hair Care.
Drink of Choice: Wine. Dude's blood is wine. He's PURE wine.

Mike, Can You Please Explain Why You're Calling Jesus a Drunkard?
Sure! Jesus is the one who started many different drinking crazes. He started drinking in church. He supported and even provided the open bar at weddings. Dude handed it out at his last meal. He must have loved it if it was his last drink. Christ was a social man-how else would he convert so many-and likely would've attended many functions where the guests imbibed. Oh yeah. Jesus imbibed. Lord, Have Mercy! (Ed.'s Note: Jesus, that's a bad pun)

OK. So What's Your Point Here, Really?
My point is this: if Jesus drank, so can you. Jesus loves Happy Hour. Jesus loves you. Thus, you love happy hour. It's religious science.

How Does This Change What I Know About My Lord and Saviour?
Everything. Why do you think Jesus wants you to rest on Sundays? Because you should go to church. HA! It's because he knows you worked hard all week and are deathly hungover. Plus, this changes the following miracles performed by J-Christo:
-Raising of Lazarus from the dead: Jesus actually roofied him a few days before, thus inspiring the 2008 hit-comedy "The Hangover"
-Walking on Water: Was so drunk at a party and jumped off his friends roof into his pool. Story greatly exaggerated from then on, although it did inspire the 2000 hit-movie "Almost Famous."
-Curing the Deaf, Dumb, and Blind: Everyone knows that frequent alcohol use supports liver and sensory health. Well, only Jesus knew it then. Changed the water in the sick's blood to wine and bam, I can hear, talk, and see.
-Drove out demons from Mary Magdelene: Mary Magdelene wasn't possessed. She was just out with Jesus the night before and was crazy drunk. Jesus has got the hangover cure: Coffee with some Holy Irish Creme.
-Calming the Storm: Hey, we all get lucky. Jesus went out on the poop deck, had drank too much wine, and was all like "STOP STORMING!" And Holy Shit, it worked.

Whoa. That actually makes a ton of sense. Anything else I should know about Jesus?
Of course, you never really know someone until you wikipedia them.
-Historians confirm that Jesus Invented Beer Pong.
-Russian-American Multi-Genre Band "The Red Elvises" actually drank with Jesus, despite being born almost 2,000 years after his death.
-Jesus was actually kind of a pervert.

You are a very informative man. How do I know you're telling the truth?
I have strong religious credentials. I went to Catholic school for 12 years, went to church every Sunday until my parents got divorced and didn't make me go any more so I wouldn't choose against them in the custody hearings, was Confirmed, received the Eucharist, frequently drink the blood of Christ, memorized the entire Bible, Otrah, and Qur'an, and plan to name my premaritally conceived kids D'Jesus, Jaysuess, and Omar Sharif. Also, we will form a bowling team called the "Holy Roller Bowlers." That's how you know I'm telling the truth.

Hmm. So, Does This Mean Jesus is just Partying in Heaven?
Of course it does. He's macking on bitches and ho's, sipping on patron, and waving his hands up like he just don't care. He even parties with Jewish people. I know, shocking! But Jewish people are actually allowed into heaven, despite going on record by Jesus as being "amateur lightweights that think having a glass of sherry at dinner is a night on the town." He has also re-created the Ten Commandments, into a delightfully playful list of do's and don't.
1. I am Jesus. The Party don't Start til I walk in.
2. If your ass ain't on the dance floor, then you'll be rollin' on Satan's shore.
3. When Jesus calls dibs on the blonde, Jesus calls dibs on the blonde.
4. Girl Talk will be played all night, every night. Don't like it? There's a new club called Purgatory.
5. No Pants, No Panties, No Problem.
6. Only Jesus wears sunglasses at night.
7. The only Trojan product allowed is the Horse in Jesus' pants.
8. When Jesus gives you lemons, make him a God Damn Cocktail.
9. Jesus is too hard for MTV, not black enough for BET, so just let Him be.
10. When Jesus take the stage, it better pipe down, or else he'll make ya'll ancestors on Earth drown.

Now that you're surely going to be going to hell, got any last words on The Jesus?
Jesus was not just a man--he was a legend. You know that one night at the bar or the party and it is YOUR party? You own that party? That's Jesus--everywhere he goes. Only St. Patrick, St. Valentine's, and Martin Luther King have their own holidays--Jesus has TWO. What do people do on those days? Drank. Toke. Open gifts. Eat a shit-ton of food. Screw. Basically, everything that's awesome. So, while it may seem like I'm portraying him as a gangsta hood rat boozehound, I'm actually portraying him as THE gangsta hood rat boozehound. So chill out, sit back, and pour one out on the step for your homey Jesus. He'll be pouring out Grey Goose for you.

And remember, as Jesus always says:

Hey Lucy, 21 Times Over

2010-02-20T00:12:00.002-06:00

It's another one of my girlfriend's friend's 21st birthdays and that means I'm writing a poem that you all can skip unless you know her. Hey Lucy, Happy Birthday and enjoy. It's a testament to my strength as a boyfriend that I'm still around to write this for you.

Hey, look at Lucy! Now she's 21!
A pretty good reason to get drunk and have fun
And the best part, besides the drinking of course,
Is that maybe a white knight will ride in on a horse.

Hey, I'm sorry, not much rhymes with course
Except negative words like divorce and remorse.
But, with you, I can't just you use the same words
Like pretty and gorgeous, they're too true to be heard!

Likely, amnesia will rule your night
and everyone, to you, will be oh-so-polite.
I think there's a few things I need to reveal
So open the next stanza and tear off its seal!

Irish, red-hair, and, no doubt, the best dressed
How could a girl possibly be more blessed?
So toast that Jameson, slainte, L'chiam!
Noone else will keep up--and if they try? Fry 'em!

It's quite possible that you might get sick
Puke a little or make out with that guy that's a dick.
Mistakes will be made, regrets will be had
But mistakes don't count til you're post-grad.

Drink up, Lucy, 21 years is a cause for celebration
Cheer, be merry, and give in to temptation.
But don't forget my most important point:
to forget what I've said by the end of the night!

Don't Worry, It Only Seems Kinky the First Time: Sex and Alcohol

2010-02-17T18:31:00.003-06:00

women-orgasms
women-
date rape

Everybody loves alcohol and everybody loves sex (well, at least everyone who reads this). SO why haven't I wrote about the two together? (Ed.'s Note: He has. He just can't figure out any entertaining ways to write the intro) It's important to be educated. Especially about two of the best things out there. Let's dive in and tackle the most important of all world issues at the moment: Alcohol's Effect On Sex.

Beer Goggles
HELL and YES!
The Science: Without beer, there are so many unattractive people out there. With beer, you can almost cut that in half. As alcohol is known to lower inhibitions, it takes much less to be attracted to someone while heavily under the influence. Take the above picture, for example. You think any of those girls are virgins? Sadly, probably not. Do you think the guys that had sex with them were sober or under 300 pounds? Very unlikely. We have all made our mistakes due to this unfortunate (well, sometimes fortunate I guess) phenomenon. We just have to learn from our mistakes.
Solutions: Pick your mate at the beginning of the night. Cheetahs do it and it seems to work pretty well for cheetahs.

Risk-Taking
Pictured: The Results of Risk Taking, Except Replace Carrots With Haagen Dazs
The Science: It's no science: enough alcohol and your brains turn to baby food. Especially the part the makes decisions. Things like unprotected sex, unfortunate rashes, and unplanned pregnancies. And nobody like hearing words with the "un-" prefix. Like, you have been "un-"invited to the stripper parade. Nothing "un-" is good. At least when it comes to alcohol and sex. Society often looks down on women for being too open with their sexuality. Obviously, women care about being looked down upon, thus are tighter (hehe) about who they have sex with than men. The reason there are so many guys at bars is because alcohol is one of the only things that brings that wall down (the others: money, celebrity status, and band member). So we pounce like cheetahs. What's with all the cheetah references? Because they're sexier than armadillos.
Solutions: WRAP IT UP!

Limping to the Finish
Erectile Dysfunction, Without the Crippling Embarrassment
The Science: Put in terms you laymen (hehe) can understand, alcohol inhibits the production of testosterone, which is necessary for physical arousal. Even if you can get it up, it reduces how good the male orgasm feels. Nobody really knows how many sexual conquests have been lost due to the terrible phenomenon known as "whiskey dick." Or how many men have been mocked behind their limp-dicked backs. One can only be certain of this: god damn man, if you're gonna get laid, why are you drinking so much? (Allow me to bask in my hypocrisy)
Solution: Always. Carry. Viagra.

Females Feelin' It
Thanks to Booze, This = Possible
The Science: Instead of losing testosterone, women's bodies produce more of it, the higher their intoxication. Since women have a higher percentage of body fat and there is markedly less water in their bodies, alcohol has a quicker, more awesome effect. (Ed.'s Note: This could explain why your girlfriend passes out at 9:30 PM) It takes women one-third longer to metabolize the alcohol, meaning they stay drunker for longer. So it actually is easier for women to get drunk. And hornier. (Oh, glory day!) In fact, scientist Francis Dolan points out that alcohol doesn't actually make men hornier, it's the women getting hornier that makes them hornier. So as fun as getting drunk is, it can only debilitate men and hornify women.
Solutions: Isn't it obvious? Get girls drunk.

About That Orgasm... (Sponsored By Unoriginality)
Unrelated Picture/Excuse to Show Big Boobs
The Science: Oh, so all the females are cocky now? Unfortunately (for women, that is), too much alcohol makes it much, much harder for women to orgasm. (Ed.'s Note: As If it wasn't hard enough! AmmIrite?) Not only that, but intoxication decreases the intensity of the orgasm as well. So while we men are wagging our tongues around down there acting like we know what we're doing, it's just gonna take LONGERRRRR after that third margarita. Which leads me to my next point: alcohol also has been proven to make women crave motorboating tenfold. The bigger the boobs, the more suseptible they become to a man sticking his face in and just getting all up in there. I don't know, must have something to do with the milk.
Solutions: The key is to let the boobs hit the side of your face over and over again.

That's all for now senoritas and senors. Adios, yo soy mejor!

Straight Up Gangsta

2010-02-15T18:39:00.005-06:00

Like a white boy at a Dave Matthews concert, I'm here to get you high. High off my sexy writing that is. I know you've longed for it. I know you've craved it. Sometimes when you go to bed at night, you might even dream about it. What in the name of the Gods of Whiskey am I talking about? Douchebags. As girls criticize guys for going after sluts, guys often criticize girls for going after the highest forms of douche there is. It's true and scientific. Here are the 6 Biggest One-Hit Drunkard Douches.

6. LMFAO
They're Like Black Hipsters--Apparently, Those Exist
Their One-Hit: That despicable rap song that goes "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS."
Why They're Douchey: Well, first of all, look at them. They look that guy from House Party if he was retarded (for those of you who don't get that reference, you got Google--look it up). Their song is massively retarded. Anyone can sing that crap. ALL THEY ARE DOING IS YELLING SHOT OVER AND OVER. It's not that they're singing about alcohol or their music in general. It's everything combined. Their looks, their music, AND they were nominated for a Grammy. Proving one thing: the Grammy's are completely irrelevant.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like a girl getting sand in her va-jayj after beach sex that lasted 15 seconds.

5. Asher Roth
"I Make Good Music...For You to Poop On!"
His One HIt: His Frat-Boy Douche Anthem "I Love College"
Why He's Douchey: Must I explain? Yes, I went to college and stereotyped it to the bone. But I don't feel the need to create a song listing drinking games and taping parties and smoking weed. Do you know why I don't? Because I'm not a big ass douche. Every white male that's ever gone to college knows what's good about it, we don't need some wannabe rapper white-boy rapping a list. It's like if you took Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" and made it in to a douche bag anthem.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like a drunk frat boy screaming "NICE BEER BONG, BRO!" over and over until your ears hurt.

4. John Mayer
"Look at My Hair. I Gelled It All Morning to Make It Look Like I Didn't Gel It."
His One Hit: He's had a few but for the sake of me being able to call him a douche, let's just say he's banged half of the over 18 women in Hollywood.
Why He's Douchey: You know those liberal hippies in college that play acoustic guitar with their shirt off in the quad? John Mayer is their God. All he does is play acoustic guitar sing like he's having an orgasm. Not to mention that he's slept with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Heidi Klum, Minka Kelly ("Friday Night Lights," "Girl at the End of (500) Days of Summer"), Jennifer Aniston, and a nurse at the free clinic that gave him free penicilin. He used the "N" word in an magazine interview and talked about his sex life with Jessy Simps. I'd keep listing stuff, but I'm not Asher Roth. (Ed's Note: That's some high-quality backshadowing there, Michael)
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: That guy that your girlfriend is friends with that you know wants to get on her but you can't say anything because everyone likes him. (There's one in every relationship.)

3. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag
"We're Not Being Treated for AIDS...YET!"
Their One Hit: I don't even remember why they're famous. Did they kill joy? That must be it.
Why They're Douchey: If I need to explain, you clearly haven't been anywhere near the internet. All they do is famewhorefamewhorefamewhorefamewhore. They whore themselves for fame. Spencer Pratt is a douchebag already but his skank of obliviousness wife Heidi is convinced that she's a musical prodigy, despite being less talented than a cum-stained doorknob. All they do is beg for attention in the press and give you reason as to WHY we should pay attention to them. Yeah, Tiger Woods is a douche but least he's compelling because he's a star athlete, ya know? I don't care about anything these two have ever done and neither does 99% of the world. Get off my life, whorebags.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Having kids that continually yell "DADDY DADDY LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME."

2. Tila Tequila
"I BEAT TILA TEQUILA! AHHH BUT NOBODY CARES SO I GOT OFF! AHHH!! I'M SHAWNE MERRIMAN OF THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS AND I BEAT THAT WHORE FOR YOU!"
Her One Hit: That pitiful reality show on MTV "A Shot at Love." If only the shot came from a Machine Gun.
Why She's Douchey: Again, she contributed nothing and given nobody a reason to respect her. The only reason she got popular is because she set a record for MySpace friends, which in of itself sounds like the douchiest thing ever. But, not one to settle on being a fame whore, she prances around flaunting her bisexuality, as if that makes her super cool and awesome. Let's get one thing straight, Tila: you're just a slut with a cool name and a premise for a retarded reality show. You are half-Vietnamese, half- Disgusting. You're a boozing little twat. There's no reason to go on--whore's are pretty easy to explain.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like an aged Tequila that some drunk girl pours out for a fallen homie.

1. Dane Cook
"I"LL STEAL YO JOKES, YELL THEM, AND MAKE HAND GESTURES! IT'S WAY FUNNIER!"
His One Hit: That one joke he stole from [insert comedian's name here]
Why He's Douchey: Dane Cook is the epitome of the word "Douche." He steals jokes, acts like a child, and then attempts to act in movies. Everything he does is painful to watch but he is so utterly cocky and full of himself that it makes one just want to punch him in the spine until his 3rd vertebrate is crushed. If he was the Iraq War, his jokes are the land mind that kills our soldiers. Except he's not killing soldiers. He's killing comedy. As we know, at least. He's that special type of Boston douche. The one that hangs out in the bars and screams about how the Celtics are "TOO HAWDCAWWWWW!" The one that owes you $35 bucks but everytime you ask for it, he'll just say "Fuck you, bro, you'll get it." The funny thing is that Dane Cook thinks he is the funny thing. Good Luck Chuck makes me beg to differ.
Metaphor for Their Douchiness: Like that fly you can't catch in your house and JUST WON'T LEAVE! THE WINDOW IS WIDE OPEN, JUST GO!

That's it, intro's are for lovers but conclusions are for bummers. G'night!

The Great Alcohol Debate: Liquor Before Beer or Beer Before Liquor?

2010-02-14T16:28:00.005-06:00

Long since man created the spirits that take the brain and liver out of commission, a debate has raged on: what's the optimal strategy for drinking both liquor and beer in the same evening? Which one comes first? Does it even matter? Well, drunken morons have argued for centuries as to which one actually works. I've set out to end the debate once and for all. Ladies and Gentlemen, Which Comes First: Liquor or Beer?

The Case For Liquor Before Beer
Is It Funnier Because the Kid's Asian? I Didn't Say It...
The Case For: Evidence for liquor before beer is vague but we don't source things here at the blog! Liquor is somewhat safer to drink, actually, than beer. At bars, liquor is usually watered down by using very little liquor compared to mixer. Liquor obviously gets you drunk much faster, but in terms of avoiding getting sick, it can be beneficial to start with booze over brew. Liquor, when mixed with any sort of carbonated drink, gets absorbed much, much quicker than beer. But if you drink liquor first and drink beer at the same pace, then it will actually help you sober up a little bit. Beer obviously has much less alcohol content and is absorbed much slower that liquor. As long as you stay on the same pace, you'll be less drunk than you would think at the end of a "Liquor before Beer" night. That is, of course, unless you are a 4-foot, 9-inch, Jewish epileptic girl. Then you'll just puke.
Celebrity Endorsement: Jack Bauer: Saving the World Without Pants On.

The Case for Beer Before Liquor
Dad Would Be So Proud (If That's Not His Kid, That Is. Then He'll Be...You Know...I've Said Too Much"
The Case For: Beer is a delicious drink--anyone who's had a one-night stand with a fatty would know (Ed's Note: What the Fuck are you talking about?). As said before, beer is absorbed much slower than liquor. There's no reason to trust what I say, but trust this: beer has less alcohol in it than booze right? Less alcohol means you will be less drunk by the time you start drinking liquor right? By asking questions that are vague and almost nonsensical, am I just delaying the fact that I really have nothing smart to say about this particular topic? I know you are, but what am I? You know, I always thought Matt Damon was kind of a Streisand but he really rocked the shit out of the Bourne movies. Ammmm I right or am I right or am I right? Ahhhh this is pathetic.
Celebrity Endorsement: Fozzie Bear. He makes as much sense as the rest of this, doesn't he?

The Verdict: There really is no verdict. I've made a list to explain which situations which rule applies.

Occasions for Liquor Before Beer:
-Going Out to Hit On Opposite Sex
-If You Need to Drive
-St. Patrick's Day
-Cinco De Mayo
-Norwegian Day of Independence
-When You Just Wanna Dance to Whitney Houston and Let Loose.

Occasions for Beer Before Liquor:
-21st Birthday
-Days You Crave Death
-If You're Going to a Cubs Day Game
-Cold Days
-When You Can't Afford Anything But a 6-Pack of Schlitz, a Slushy, and a Handle of Skol.
-The Day Your Girlfriend/Friend that's a Girl Finds Your Porn Stash
-The Day You Have a Ginger Male Child

There. I think I've covered most occasions. Just know this: when you're drinking to get really drunk, it really doesn't matter. Just do it.

Be responsible. Or don't, I don't know. My blog is on a list of Anti-Alcohol Websites for a reason.

Immorally Yours,
Senor Pepe

Valentine's Day: Your Guide to Love and Sex

2010-02-12T11:34:00.004-06:00

Love is a hard thing to figure out. So is sex. If you're like me (Ed.'s Note: If you are...that sucks) then neither of these things has ever been easy to acquire. How can us men figure out women? How can you women figure out men? (hint: we like sports and sex) I'm created a foolproof guide to the opposite sex. Your Guide to True Love.

If You're A Man...
Pictured: A Real Man
How to Know If She Loves You:
Ask the following 10 questions to yourself.
1. Does she say "I Love You" to you?
2. Does she openly talk about stuff you are going to do in the future?
3. Does she let you watch sports/control the remote?
4. Have you met her family?
5. Does her family like you?
6. Do you buy her stuff on holidays/birthdays/anniversaries? (hint: flowers don't count)
7. Do you make her orgasm?
8. Are most of the guy friends she has gay?
9. Do you dress up/shave for your dates?
10. Does she shave her pubic region for you?

Did you say yes to:
0-2 Questions: She hates you and is cheating on you with multiple people.
3-5 Questions: She might love you, but it's more likely that you're just good in bed or convenient for her.
6-8 Questions: She loves you but it's probably fleeting. Do the kinky stuff while you can.
9-10 Questions; Congratulations! She loves you! You will now cuddle on Friday nights after seeing "Dear John" or whichever "The Notebook" re-make is out!

If You're a Woman:
Pictured: Unrealistic Expectations
How to Know He Loves You:
Ask the following 10 Questions to yourself:
1. Do you ever give him head?
2. Do you make him orgasm?
3. Do you pretend to like his super-cool friends that you find annoying?
4. Do you think cheating is wrong, no matter how drunk you are?
5. Honestly...do you give him head?
6. Do you have big boobs?
7. Are you skinny? (Seriously, though. This isn't the time for self-flattery)
8. Can you cook delicious food?
9. Do you have big boobs?
10. Do you have big boobs?

Did you say yes to:
0-3 Questions: He either loves your boobs or nothing at all.
4-6 Questions: He might love you. Pass the beer. I'm trying to watch the game.
7-8 Questions: Boobs. Hmm. But what's for dinner?
9-10 Questions: You have big boobs AND you give him head? Oh yeah. He loves you

Man or woman, if you have failed the self-test, there are still ways to FIND love on Valentine's Day. Here's what you can do to find love if you haven't yet.

If You're a Man, Looking for Love:
Ask Yourself the Following 5 Questions:
1. Do I have lots of money?
2. Is the girl you're looking for, is she that drunk girl in the corner dancing to "Sweet Child O' Mine"?
3. Does she have a tattoo on her lower back or shoulder that is kind of stupid?
4. Does she have a degree/good job?
5. Is she 18?

Did you say yes to:
0 Questions: Invest in lube.
1-2 Questions: If #5 is a yes, then you might get laid at least.
3-4 Questions: Unless #4 is a yes, you're getting some vajayjay.
5 Questions: Yup. You're gonna have to date her.

If You're a Woman, Looking for Love:
Ask Yourself the Following Questions:
1. Your boobs...are they big?
2. Are you skinny?

Did you say yes to:
0 Questions: Three letters: G-Y-M.
1-2 Questions: Go to a bar. Love = achieved.

That's the key to love, as far as I know. follow my advice and love will be in your present and future!

(Less Than) Perfect Super Bowl Party

2010-02-05T11:44:00.005-06:00

Super Bowl parties are often fun. They often have fun and chips and beer. Seems perfect, right? Wrong. There are certain people who set out to ruin Super Bowl parties, whether they know it or not. That's why you need to be very careful about who you invite. Here's a heads up on people that can ruin your party if you aren't careful. 5 Super Bowl Guests that Will Ruin Your Party.

Clueless Girls
"You See, If You Mix It With Flour and Eggs, then Heat at 375 degrees, then the Men Respect Us!"
Qualities: Female, Uninterested, Not Hungry, Loud
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Girls don't know much about football, generally. Maybe it's their smaller brains that can't process the intricacies of the game, or maybe their period makes them hate things guys like. Who knows really? The point is that they're at your party and they aren't watching the game. Talking loud to their boyfriend, standing in front of the TV to show her friends pictures of her fourth-cousin's wedding, not helping eat any of the food because it's loaded with carbs or something. The point is they aren't contributing anything. Except annoyance of course! Likely brought by one of your buddies because he thinks he's got a shot at some action. Too bad the only action he'll get will be dropping her off after the 3rd Quarter.
Solution: Set up another room with all the amenities that girls enjoy: vodka, wine, shrimp cocktail, dolls, whatever. Tell them that there's a Project Runway marathon on and that Tyra Banks goes CRAZY in this one (same show, right?). They'll be glued to the TV like a 5 year old watching Thomas the Train.

Fair-Weather Fan
"Not Like You Just Won a Super Bowl this Decade...Oh Wait."
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Bandwagon fans are the worst kind of fans. I hate Cardinals fans but at least they have the guts to stick with one team. Fair-Weather fans will come in with little knowledge of the game (because if they knew the game at all, they'd know that fair-weather fans are douches). "What are you talking about man, I've been a Colts fan ever since the Bears started sucking after they made the Super Bowl three years ago!" They'll be cheering for one of the teams like it's theirs. They'll be loud and obnoxious, bragging if their team is winning. If they are wearing a jersey that they just bought, then make sure you "accidently" spill salsa on it.
Solution: Well, good ol' natured ribbing is the key. Make fun of them like they are a flip-flopping douche (read: they are) and make sure they feel bad for cheering for whoever. Make fun of them until it gets old. Then do it more. Then punch them.

Hipsters
"What game's on? I gotta go to a Child Labor protest in my jeans that were made by a 8-year old in Malaysia."
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Hipsters are so apathetic, their apathetic about their own apathy, thus making it ironic. You think they'll care about the game? Maybe if the game is Pin the PBR on the Anti-Establishment Poster. Hipsters will often come in groups, talk about stuff that makes them seem smart but is actually irrelevant, and spend half the game going outside for smoke breaks and smelling up the room. They'd probably point out to me that the last sentence was a run-on sentence. They'll likely talk about the irony of someone spending money on a party to watch people getting paid to play a game.
Solution: Tell them to mark down all the irony going on in the game on a legal pad and say that it'd be really cool for them to do. They won't do it because it's cool, but they will do it to be ironic about how it's so uncool. Hell, I don't even know what I just said.

Commercial Junkies
"Shhh! Russian Woman Need to See Commercial!"
How They Might Ruin Your Party: You know them...they don't care about the game, "I just watch it for the commercials!" That's what YouTube is for, darling. They'll tell you to hush while you're trying to dissect the game with your friends before it comes back on. They'll get all their food/beer during the game so they don't miss the commercials, which are overrated because nowadays companies try too hard. Will laugh at the 32 Peyton Manning commercials shows during the game, and maybe cry about the Hurricane Katrina Donation Fund commercial and scold people (read: me) for making distasteful jokes about it. Screw that, since Haiti is the new Katrina, we can now safely joke about Katrina.
Solution: Tell them you're DVRing the game and that they can watch it after. If that doesn't work, remember it's your house and you'll talk about which team's Pierre is more French if you damn well please.

Sober People
"Last Year, The People That Came to My Party Went On a Beer Run and Never Came Back :( "
How They Might Ruin Your Party: Sober people might not necessarily ruin your party, but they won't help. You didn't buy all that beer for nothing. ALso, sober people tend to disappear in seas of drunk people. You're Designated Driver? I've heard better excuses in statutory rape trials. Likely, they'll be checking their phone for texts, intensely watch the game, and add virtually nada to the party. Unless they're hot. Wah Wah I gotta work tomorrow and wake up early to work out. Shut up, this isn't fifth grade. Drown in some scotch or leave.
Solution: Pour whiskey in their Sprite. Or, preferably, you can make them wait in the car.

That's it, enjoy the game!

Yes, It's Funny & Cute that an African Country's Gonna Try and Host the World Cup! Haha So Much Crime! & Other Offensiveness: The February Mailbag

2010-02-01T17:00:00.005-06:00

So there's this thing...it's the mailbag. I'm doing it. I'm writing it. Let's get to it. Also, if you name a movie "Love Happens" you are retarded. Or "Dear John" for that matter. Women realize that if they stop seeing these awful movies that eventually they will make them better? Ugh it's hopeless, here's this months edition of me talking to myself. (Except for the first question. That's actually real.

Q: In your opinion, do you think it would be appropriate if I were to discuss my boyfriend's penis size with my best friends? What if we were to go as far as making up a common nickname for him regarding his penis size?
--S. Lejman, BloNo, IL.
A: Well, I think it's perfectly fine to make up a name for your friend's boyfriend's penis. As long as it's somewhat subtle, I think it's fair play. I mean, if you heard it from your friend, it's her fault really. I don't know why Jillie--ehem, girls would get so upset about that...unless the nickname is geared towards the proverbial lack of lead in one's pencil.

Q: Why is soccer so popular in every other country everywhere but here, in the United States, soccer is almost hated?
--S. Seagal's Short Reality TV Career, Los Angeles, CA.
A: I've already answered this question a billion times, so maybe you should pay attention. Perhaps then someone would watch your show. But soccer isn't popular here because everywhere else, it's really the only sport they play. Here, we got a plethora of athletic competitions. Just no room for it, is all.

Q: What's would be the weirdest mix of two races having a baby? Not weird like racist, but weird in like...looking. OK, maybe it's racist. But who cares, it's black history month, right?!
--L. Neason and H. Ford's Wanting of their Daughter Back, Worldwide.
A: Of course, I frown upon racism, as it is cheap humor, but also terribly childish (also: funny). I'm pretty sure the weirdest mix of two people having a baby would be some fat chick from Texas and a male, skinny Iroquois tribal leader. Hell yeah. Cowboys and Indians.

Q: What would it be like if "District 9" happened for real in Chicago? Would you drink with the aliens?
--L. Smith's Challenging This Question, Chicago, IL
A: I mean, who can blame aliens for landing in Chicago? It's a better city than say...Minneapolis or Detroit or Indianapolis. Plus, we got the vibrant nightlife that aliens crave. My guess is they would just be shoved aside into Cabrini Green or something (might class it up) but sure...why wouldn't I have a drink with an alien? Welcome to Earth! (punches alien like Will Smith in Independence Day)

Q: What would be the last race of people on Earth that you'd sleep with? Might as well be racist...it's black history month!
--T. Swift's Lack of Virginity/Talent, Hollywood, CA
A: Well, that's a silly question. But I mean...I'll answer it. There are probably some exceptions for every race but I don't see too much redeeming about New Zealanders. Damn Kiwis. Think cause you had Lord of the Rings, you can just get fat and not have to do anything? IT DON'T WORK LIKE THAT!

Q: What's the difference between business drunk and college drunk?
--R. Kelly's Love of Urinating on Underage Girls, Private Basement, ???
A: College drunk is a sloppy, less sophisticated drunk that is aimed at drinking as much as possible and achieving sexual intercourse from a mate. Business drunk is a subtler, "don't admit it"-drunk, with the aura of sophistication, even if you feel like barfing from all those rounds of scotch.

Q: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
--P. Manning's Flopping Ability, Indianapolis, IN.
A: Your mom. (Who says comedy is dead?)

Q: What state do you think would be the most lenient about drinking and driving? The strictest? How about public sex?
--J. Leno's Unwavering Sadness, New York, NY.
A: As for DUI'n, I think the most lenient state would be something like a small town in Arkansas or Alabama where everyone knows each other. As for the strictest, well, welcome to Illinois. Illinois has the strictest driving laws in the nation. Funny, because you sure don't teach you how to drive very well. Public sex should never be frowned upon. Unless it's like on a dance floor or something. But that shit's gross.

Q: Do you think each continent has a liquor that defines it? If so, please list them because I hate you and want you to write more.
--J. Locke's Ability to Do What You Can't, ????
A: OK, I think I'll take a stab at this.
North America- Light Beer (we suck)
Europe- Wine (preferably red)
Australia- Foster's
Antarctica- Everclear
South America- Rum
Africa- (Data not available due to lack of resources)
Asia- SAKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
(Stereotypes not included)

Q: With the final season of LOST coming up, what do you think the most disappointing ending to the series would be? The best?
--D. Brees' Huddle Screaming, Jasper, North Carolina.
A: I think the most disappointing ending would it being all someone's dream/nightmare. That way is such a cop out for any TV show/movie/play. The best way to end it would be for them to show how Desmond conquered the world through pure sexiness and made Penny his Queen of All that Lives. Also, nudity.

Q: When it comes to jerking off, how much is too much? How about for girls?
--H. Klum's Love of Scarred Faces, Oklahoma City, CA.
A: I say it depends on how much you're having sex. If you are having sex regularly (3-4 times a week or more), then taking care of business should probably only be done 3-4 times. I have a simple ratio for men. You start with the number 8. Subtract the amount of times you had sex from 8 and that's how many times you should really be masturbating a week. For girls, the number is 4. Simply because you hold sex in a higher esteem and don't masturbate as much. It's really a solid formula trust me.

Q: What's the key to a perfect Super Bowl party? And since it's a little classier than, say, a kegger, how drunk is too drunk for a party like this?
--D. Trump's Silly Hairline, New York , NY.
A: It depends who's there, but I say there's no such thing as too drunk for a Super Bowl party. All you need for a perfect Super Bowl party are the following: large TV, beer, pizza and snacks, and lack of women who are loud and don't know what's going on.

Q: Let's say you need a beer. You're going down to Wrigley Field a few hours early. What are the best bars around Wrigley Field that are good to pregame the game at?
S.Sosa's Whiteness, San Jose, CA.
A: I have not immersed myself in the Wrigley seen too often but the prices/lines are too large right across the street at Murphy's, etc. I'd say go to Lucky's Sandwhich place, get a great meal and cheap beer before you have to go pay a mortgage for a beer in the stadium.

Q: Why do you hate British people so much? They have good beer, culture, and one of the most diverse, vibrant cities on Earth. WHERE'S THE BEEF?!
--L. Kiffin's A-Plus in Being a Douche, Los Angeles, CA.
A: Again, why must I explain things that have already been answered? British people have good beer, culture and a very great city. And I don't hate British people, I hate Britain. The simple answer is this: Israel, India, Iraq, Ireland, and especially Ireland (among many, many others) have gone through a bunch of unnecessary hardships in the last 100 years because of the UK. Some might argue that America is doing the very same thing and I say then to that: hate me then, other people. I don't care. Maybe America deserves to be hated. Like I do with Britain, hate America, don't hate the American.

Q: What's the protocol for Valentine's Day if you have a girlfriend? We've been dating for about a year and I've asked her but she says I don't have to get her anything. Obviously, I'm not that stupid. Help?
--J. Bourne's Lack of Memory, Prague, Czech Rep.
A: Valentine's Day is an unfortunate holiday for men. Obviously, you need to get her something. Since you've been dating a year, I'd say it should be pretty good. Jewelry and a nice dinner out should do the trick. Clothes are always a hideous idea (You don't know my size? Don't you know I hate this color? Do you think I'm a slut?), jewelry always good.

Q: I have a question about boobs. Most guys find them better natural. But is there anything wrong with fake boobs? They're still big and they're still in your face, plastic or not.
--H. Montag's Failure At Every Single Thing Besides Fame Whoring, The Hills, CA.
A: Personally, fake boobs are a turn-off because they signal how insecure someone is with their body. Then again, they are bigger....so I mean, there's nothing wrong with them. It just shows a lack of confidence really. I mean, they are pretty big. (dazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees off)

Q: What's your take on rub and tugs? Are they considered cheating? I mean it's basically just a massage...for your penis.
--H. Grant's Slack-Jawed Sweetness, London, UK
A: Obviously rub and tugs are cheating. Is your girlfriend getting fingered by a masseuse cheating? Hell yeah, so how's it any difference. You see, the key to rub and tugs is that they are always run in sketchy Asian massage parlors. So it's pretty easy to get away with. But yeah...it's cheating.

Q: What kind of car is best to have sex in?
--A. Greenspan's Declining Budget, Washington D.C.
A: Anything with hydraulics.

Q: If you were at a concert and lead singer couldn't make it on stage for a song...and they asked you to sing for him, would you do it? And would what be the band/song you'd most wanna do that for?
--T. Swift's Limited Vocal Range, Deep in the Heart of Texas (Included Twice to Get Point Across)
A: You might expect me to say Andrew McMahon/Jack's Mannequin but I wouldn't wanna ruin that for the people in attendance. I'd probably pick All Time Low's "Jasey Rae" because it's my favorite song by them and it doesn't require a whole lot of vocal ability.

Q: Say you're at a bar, drinking with your friends, on the prowl for some ladies, whatever. You meet a girl on the dance floor and you start making out, like sloppy drunk I'm talking. What's the time-limit on a makeout in public? And how long does it take for you start to just get bored and ask if she wants to "get out of here."?
--T. Tebow"s Virginity, Talahassee, FL.
A: I say when you makeout in public, you're already committing a "faux pas" so why put a time limit on it? Just have at it til you don't feel like it no more. Personally, it depends. For me to get bored, it doesn't take much longer than like 5-10 minutes before I'm like "Uhhh can we either take it up a notch or just stop?" But obviously, with the possibility of sex in the back of my mind, I probably wouldn't stop til a long while after that. Yes, I'm a guy and everything girls have heard about guys is true: we only think, care, and talk about one thing: sex.
Fuck you, Kase.
(I love you)

That's it for this month! I'll see you sometime this week, hopefully, with another cracking post on the intricacies of my troubles brain. Til then, das vedayna!
glimming

Love is Watching Brett Favre Fail. And Sex. Lots and Lots of Sex.

2010-01-26T21:45:00.001-06:00

Now that the massive skankbag attention whore Brett Favre has failed, Conan is off the Late Show, and I begin the hell that is marathon training, we all can revert back to bitching about stupid things like Miley Cyrus being a slut and how bad Taylor Swift's new song is. (What? Don't people bitch about those things?) Anyways, I like writing things. Funny things. This is pretty funny, what I'm about to write here. What if TV Shows did spin-offs that we're crazy alcoholic and offensive? FIND OUT MOTHAFRACKERS! Alcoholic TV-Spin Offs

How I Divorced Your Mother
Starring: Tiger Woods, his kids, Bob Saget as the narrator
Spin-Off Of: How I Met Your Mother
The Plot: An alcoholic Tiger Woods, now 260 pounds, tells the kids the story of how he met their mother and what led up to their tragic divorce. The show is much like "Entourage" except that....he's married. That doesn't stop Tiger from becoming a hero, goat, then eventually hero again when he wins his next golf tournament. Also stars John Daly as Tiger's wingman. Laugh track included because it's hilarious. Or something.
Preview: "NEXT WEEK.....TIGER FUCKS BITCHES!"

The Biggest Boozer
Starring: Mel Gibson, Mickey Rourke, Those Chicks On the Sweden Team from Beerfest that were drinking in almost nothing.
Spin-Off Of: The Biggest Loser
The Plot: Much like "Inside the Actors Studio," Gibson and Rourke sit in front of a classroom, drinking scotch, and talking about the annihilation of all minorities. Shown on NBC's "Nobody Watches This Network Now, Anyways" Tuesday Night line-up, right before Leno, there are in-depth arguments as to the destruction of the Jewish people, how to get out of DUI's, and the intricacies of a good bar fight. Rourke says brass knuckles, Gibson says knife attached to boot. By the end of each show, they won't remember they were even there! And neither will the 6 people watching!
Preview: The Season 1 Finale...

Sexter
Starring: Charlie Sheen, Jack Nicholson, Paula Abdul
Spin-Off Of: Dexter
The Plot; Sex addicts Sheen and Nicholson become obsessed with becoming the first to take sultry celebrity Paula Abdul's virginity. In-between trying to hook-up with Abdul, the two buddies learn valuable life lessons such as the power of rum, beer, cocaine, and penicillin. The show, shown on CBS' Wednesday night Drama Line-Up, also focuses on the two trying to learn how to become the best they can be at Sexting. Three thousand girls guest star as former sex partners of Sheen and Nicholson. Far fetched, right?
Preview: Who WOULDN'T center a show around this?!

Rye & Porter: Awesome Vices Unit
Starring: Colin Farrell, Enya, Liam Neeson
Spin-Off Of: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
The Plot: Three Irish Cops and the missions they encounter--off duty! They all frequent a bar called Mickey O'Dolanihan's in central Dublin--OHIO! They all drink large amounts of Rye Whiskey and Porter Brew. Neeson looks for his daughter that has been dead for ten years every episode by using a pool cue as a gun. Enya sings karaoke after 6 whiskeytini's and Colin Farrell hits on all the customer's girlfriend's while slurring something about how he's Alexander the Greatest. Bono guest stars as an interventionist who the three kill.
Preview: "I says OI ! hows boot a saquel ta S.W.A.T?!"

Flight from ParoleBoads
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Andy Dick, Gary Coleman
Spin-Off Of: Flight of the Conchords
The Plot: The shows chronicles of how three drunks attempt to escape out of the drunk tank and avoiding their third DUI conviction by fleeing to Mexico. FOX bills it as "PRISON BREAK mixed with IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA except it sucks!" Andy Dick continuously mistakes Coleman for a small child and attempts to molest him. Downey Jr. thanks god that he got sober and was cast in Iron Man. Can he lay off the booze? Is this premise really that far fetched? TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!! The three talk in New Zealand accents to blend in to the Mexican desert--or so they think.
Preview: "What ARE you talking about, William?"

Binge
Starring: Jack Bauer, Liz Lemon, Michael Scott, and John Locke
Spin-Off Of: Fringe
The Plot: The show explores TV's most famous characters--if they turned to binge drinking instead of their fictional professions! Jack Bauer gets fat and forgets how to beat up anything besides his liver! Liz Lemon becomes a martini addict and actually becomes a better writer but continuously throws up on her laptop when she's about to save her work! Michael Scott becomes a stand-up comedian and gets super famous! John Locke sits inside and feels sorry for himself all day in his Island-themed home! Barney Stinson does the same things as always: suits up, hits ass, and takes names like it ain't a THANG! Also, they all have sex with Liz Lemon and try and squeeze her into their drink. (Haha get it? Because she's named "Lemon"!)
Preview: Who drinks out of a pineapple continuously? SPONGE-BOB SQUAREPANTS!"

Hope you enjoyed my mindless diatribe! See you next timeeeeeeee!

Musically Drunken Achievments of the Decade

2010-01-20T22:54:00.001-06:00

I love music. It's always been my support system. A girlfriend for me when I'm single, a shoulder to cry on when I needed one, and an outlet that captures any sort of mood. It is truly the power of music that has affected me, made me feel more emotion than almost any person could. And that's why I've put together a list of the Best 10 Albums of 2000-2009. It won't be my favorites...that would be a laughable list (to some) of pop-punk hooks and little else. These are the best musical achievements. The ones that are so full of emotion they couldn't possibly be ignored. There will be no hip-hop, for that may make you want to dance but it is not achievement. The 10 Best Albums of 2000-2009

10. Relient K-- mmhmm (2004)
Best Songs: "Be My Escape," "High of 75," "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "Live your life for fools that you love" (The One I'm Waiting For)
The Album: Christian rock? Who in God's name cares? Relient K's mmhmm is as sunny as it gets. Every song mixes in soft lyrics about love, happiness, and just trying to be a good person. Their album probably transcends what the band believed the album was about. Relient K has always been a bit on the silly side of music, but with this album, the band put out a perfect album of hope that any age group could identify with. It may be pop-heavy, but sometimes when it's dark and dreary outside and your feeling down, you just want a little sunshine in your headphones.

9. Say Anything - ...Is a Real Boy (2004)
Best Songs: "Alive With the Glory of Love," "Woe," "Admit it!!!"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "That boy, he, that boy's got woe." (Woe)
The Album: Say Anything is clearly not a band for everyone. But Max Bemis' lyrical output on ...Is a Real Boy is something that most songwriters wish they could accomplish. He may not have the best voice in the world, but the album is full of clever lyricism and "We're Gonna Get You Hooked, No Matter How Disturbing You Feel Afterwards." It's really about a boy going through a lot of shit, but it's what he's gone through that drives the album. Because without problems and shortcomings, the great things in life, like this album, might not exist.

8. Taking Back Sunday- Tell All Your Friends (2002)
Best Songs: "You're So Last Summer," "Cute Without the E," "Timberwolves at New Jersey"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "This song was only wishful thinkin'..." (Cute Without the "E")
The Album: The album that, through my teenage years, best described the way it felt to be miserable in love during that period. It's certainly not a happy album--but that's not what gives it feeling. It's a break-up album. A "you never loved me" album. It's angry but it's that catchy anger that made it loveable, even if it was only pumping your stereo because of loss in the first place.

7. Something Corporate- Live at the Ventura Theater (2004)
Best Songs: "I Woke Up in a Car," "Hurricane," "Konstantine," "Walking By"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "And these nights I get high just from breathing, and when I lie here with you, I'm sure that I'm real." (Walking By)
The Album: Perhaps cheating by putting a live album on the list, I really don't care. Something Corporate (more so Andrew McMahon) has been one of my favorite bands for the entire decade. I feel like they were always one or two songs from putting together a really complete album...so I chose one that combines their best. Besides having "Konstantine," a song that is so good it should have it's own planet, the album shows why people have basically started a cult to the band's lead singer, Andrew McMahon. Whatever songs you hear through your headphones are one hundred times better live. It's not the most mature set of songs--but it doesn't make me feel every word any less.

6. Fountains of Wayne- Welcome Interstate Managers (2003)
Best Songs: "Hey Julie," "All Kinds of Time," "Bright Future in Sales"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "I tried to change, but I changed my mind" (Mexican Wine)
The Album- I've always been sad that Fountains of Wayne have never gotten more popular, and this album is a fine example of how awesome some of their lyricism and catchy hooks can be. Besides their big hit "Stacey's Mom," the album is full of indie-pop goodness that begs for you to sing along. Every song, from the ridiculously catchy "Hey Julie" to the slower, but serene "All Kinds of Time," brings something unique and quirky, yet still able to bring out emotion while driving down those empty roads.

5. The Postal Service- Give Up (2003)
Best Songs: "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight," "Such Great Heights," "Sleeping In," "Clark Gable"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "And when you scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you home." (Such Great Heights)
The Album: I never really expected that an album like this could sneak into this list, but this decade has really changed some of my musical tastes. The album is very electronic, more so than I usually enjoy. But as a lover of Ben Gibbard of Death Cab, it really changed my mind and allowed me to see how beautiful this album really can be. The lyrics aren't always top-notch but it's the emotion and reality in Gibbard that makes the album really come alive and become beautiful, depending on how you're listening to it.

4. Lucky Boys Confusion- Throwing the Game (2001)
Best Songs: "Fred Astaire," "Slip," "Do You Miss Me"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "Don't push so hard, nothing is ever easy." (Fred Astaire)
The Album: LBC is a band that will always have a special place in my heart. This album is definitely their best. It brought out their ability to combine their pop-punk sound with reggae and hip-hop, producing an extremely unique blend of rock-out party anthems. They sing about drinking, smoking, and Chicago because that's what they know. From the ultra-fast paced "3 to 10" and "Dumb Pop Song" to the slower, more emotional beats like "Slip" and "Not About Debra," the album come across with a ferocious, commanding presence that has one of the more unique sounds out there.

3. Death Cab for Cutie- Transatlantacism (2001)
Best Songs: "Transatlanticism," "Passenger Seat," "The Sound of Settling"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "To call at 7:03 and on your machine, I slur a plea for you to come home, but it's too late" (A Lack of Color)
The Album: Death Cab has never been afraid to switch up their styles and experiment. But it's on Transatlantacism where they are it's simplest and most serene. On tracks like "Passenger Seat" and "Transatlanticism," you can almost hear the pleas for lost love to return as if they were your own. They resonate so powerful, coming through lead singer Ben Gibbard's delicate voice. Everything comes through so personal. Numerous tracks on the album continue to give me chills, even as I listen to it for umpteenth time straight through. Their follow up's Plans and Narrow Stairs were great as well--but there's no beating this.

2. Radiohead- Kid A (2000)
Best Songs: "How to Disappear Completely," "High and Dry," "The National Anthem"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "I float down the Liffey, I'm not here, this isn't happening" (How to Disappear Completely)
The Album: Radiohead has cemented it's legacy in musical history as being one of the most influential bands of our time. OK Computer, done in the 90's, is simply one of the most brilliant albums ever put together. Kid A is another beautiful album put together from the band. "How to Disappear Completely" might be one of the most beautiful, saddening songs I've ever heard. But it's not the songs by themselves that make the album great...it's the album as a whole where you can really see how great it is. It's like a puzzle, interesting separated, but beautiful when put together.

1. Jack's Mannequin- Everything in Transit (2005)
Best Songs: "The Mixed Tape," "Dark Blue," "La La Lie"
Lyric That Best Describes It: "Fuck yeah, we can live like this" (Holiday from Real)
The Album: I know--it's not your favorite, or even something you'd put on your top 10. But I'm not you. Jack's Mannequin--more so it's lead singer/songwriter Andrew McMahon--has gotten me through so much. My break-ups, my new beginnings, my dreams, and my nightmares. Everything I've ever gone through could be described through this album. It's the happiest album when I want it to be and saddest when I need it to be. But it's there. Everything in Transit has become more than an album to me--it's become a friend. And the man who wrote it has become my role model. The great thing about music is this: this album might pass you by without a thought. But me? It's one of the most important things in my life.

Drunken Landmass

2010-01-19T16:53:00.006-06:00

What's the story morning glory?! Oh, Oasis. Anyways, I've been thinking about how drunk people are all the time and it makes me think--which continent's are the drunkest? The weakest? I didn't know! And since I don't have a job, it's been driving me CRAZY! I'm just sitting around the house, screaming at Oprah "WHAT CONTINENT DRINKS THE MOST OPRAH?! YOU MUST KNOW!" Finally, I decided to do some research instead of inanely screaming at the television, since I don't want to become a cat lady when I'm 23. Here's what I found: From Soberest to Drunkest: Ranking the Drunkenness of the Continents. ANTARCTICA NOT INCLUDED FOOLS!

(Ranked from Soberest to Drunkest. Ex= #6 is the soberest, #1 is drunkest)

6. Asia
The Drunkest People: Thai, Chinese, and Koreans.
Slackers: Saudi Arabia, Iran, India, all the Muslim countries really.
The Ranking: If Russia was included, it might be higher....but the drunk part of Russia is mostly in Europe. Asia suffers from Muslim-itis, in that many of the Muslim countries ban alcohol all together. So not even the billions in the far far East could save Asia from being in last with the nonexistence of alcohol in the Middle East. Get with the times, Muslims! Drunkenness brings you closer to Allah! Just ask all those afros that go Muslim while in jail!

5. Africa
The Drunkest People: Uganda, Nigeria, Swaziland, Burundi. (If you've heard of 2 or more of these, gold star for you!)
Slackers: Egypt, Sudan, Libya, Algeria, Niger, Somalia, Ethiopia. (If you haven't heard of at least 3 of these, you are a moron)
The Ranking: Unfortunately, like Asia, Africa has many Muslim countries in the north that ban alcohol all together. Also, most African countries are so poor their official currency is "Dirt/Leaves." The lovely people of Uganda are doing straight up WORK, with the highest percentage of alcoholism in the world. Unfortunately, African warlords make it difficult to document things like this, not to mention the market price of a 5 kilos of blow on the open market. (What? I needed to know this for my missionary work in (blindly points at map) Libya.) Africa is fucked up, too fucked up to actually be getting fucked up all the time. I have heard good things about palmwine, an African delicacy that apparently tastes like paint thinner. So....they got that. Which is nice.

4. South America
The Drunkest: Argentina, Uruguay, Venezuela, French Guyana.
Slackers: Paraguay, Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Chile, Suriname.
The Ranking: South America is a tricky continent. On one hand, they have party countries like Brazil and Argentina, but so many of the other countries are not into it. It's a damn shame, really. Perhaps that's why it's BELOW North America. (Haha...get it?) Although South America might be displeased with their spot on this list, just know that you would be #1 if it were a list for "Attractive Continents." Ay curumba! Just thinking about it has me all caliente!

3. North America
The Drunkest: United States (College kids and Irish only), Canada, Dominica, Haiti, Bahamas. (Starts to make Haiti joke but remembers it happened less than a week ago and restrains self...) Hey, maybe Haiti is being (STOP!). Nevermind.
Slackers: Guatemala, Cuba, Honduras, Mexico. (Insert joke about Mexicans being in the "Slackers" category. Somethings just work themselves out.)
The Ranking: Remember when you forgot Haiti was a country until last week? Well, now alcoholism will go way up there! Also, college students and Canadians have piggybacked North America up to #3 for their impressive beer drinking performances. Unfortunately, if it were "Attractive Continents" we'd be last. But that's neither here nor there! We are the land of Jack Daniels and the home of Keystone! We can't make good beer here...but at least we can drink it! Take THAT Zimbabwe! HA!

2. Oceania
The Drunkest: Australia, New Zealand, Marshall Islands.
Slackers: Papua New Guinea, Fiji, Tonga, French Polynesia.
The Ranking: It's really all Australia and New Zealand here. There, they sure can bring it. The Aussies and the Kiwi's can certainly down their fruit salads! And Fosters! Ain't that Australian for whiskey? Hey, I mean, you had Steve Irwin. Lord of the Rings. The Olympics. That Opera House. Flight of the Conchords. Ummm....the flight that crashes in LOST takes off from there. (Anybody know anything else from these countries?) HEY! How bout those Lord of the Rings movies?! Wait...Damnit, I already said that. Uhhhhh....(dances).

1. Europe
The Drunkest: Spain, Portugal, England, Ireland, Germany, Holland, Austria, Crotia, Czech Republic, Moldova, France, Luxembourg, Hungary, Slovakia, Lithuania, Russia, Latvia, Estonia, Switzerland, Finland, Denmark, Greece.
Slackers: Turkey, Sweden, Norway.
The Ranking: Europe is one big party! Beer in the morning noon and night! Wine for lunch, Sangria for breakfast! Ouzo all night and promiscuous sex for money all day! When it all comes down to it though, Europe has earned their place at the top. Look at all those alcoholic countries. We should all stand up and give a great big round of applause for the Europeans and their lack of respect for their livers. Except to the French. We should punch them. In the balls. IT WAS A HANDBALL NO I WILL NOT GET OVER IT! CHOKE ON YOUR BORDEAUX FRENCHIE!

Well, there you have it. It's nice to get that information out of the way and into the open. Aren't you glad that you know all this now? I thought you would be. That's why I wrote it...for you. But, much like before sex, I have no time to wrap this up. So I'll catch you all when I catch you: on the flip side, yo!

Recession Proofs: How to Drink For Free

2010-01-15T13:14:00.005-06:00

With tough times hitting everyone's wallet, it's at this time more than ever that it's important to save some cash. Well, that doesn't mean you necessarily have to give up fun. Just find more creative ways to have it! If you feel as if you still must go out (and let's be honest--if you're reading this, you probably do), I've put together a few ways you can save some cash by not having to pay for those pesky expensive drinks. Here are 6 Ways to Drink for Free.

Be Very, Very Attractive
How to Prepare: Do your hair, spray on some cologne/perfume, get on the treadmill, hope you were blessed with a favorable bone structure.
How It Works: The easiest and most effective way of getting free drinks is to be hot. Obviously, there's not much to it. Sit at the bar, flash a few glances, and BOOM! Drink's are freer than America on the 4th of July. Of course this works better if you're female but that doesn't mean it can't work for males. You just have to look really good and pray on the weak. It's been done for centuries, why stop now?
Pictured: Billy Zane always drinks free, bitches.

Flask
How to Prepare: Pour alcohol into flask, put flask in pocket, go to bar, don't be retarded.
How It Works: Ever since drunk-driving became so faux pas, bars have been giving out free soft drinks (read: mixers) to designated drivers. There's no reason in this struggling economy that you shouldn't take advantage of their offer. Get your free Sprite, go to the bathroom, and pour in some vodka. That's a free $6 cocktail right there, ladies and gents. For of those of you not blessed with a flask...well, you're reading a blog about alcoholism. I'm going to assume you have a flask.
Pictured: Don't get confused--this isn't science class.

Identity Theft
How to Prepare: Steal Someone Else's Credit Card or Money.
How It Works: Is there someone you hate? I mean, like, a lot. If so, steal their wallet, take their credit card, and put it back (you don't want them canceling it--if it's all missing they'll cancel it. If just the credit card is missing, they'll look for it for a while). Go to your favorite bar and start a tab. I recommend taking complete advantage of this situation while you can. Grey goose martini's to those two decent looking girls should automatically not only make you look like a badass, but also in a position to get some bad ass. Identity Theft is extremely effective and requires very little effort. I assume that's why it's so popular.
Pictured: That's right--be the victor.

Tell People You Have Cancer
How to Prepare: Wear a hat so it looks like you have no hair, get a fake hospital wristband, prepare some funny cancer jokes to show you still have a sense of humor about it.
How It Works: Perhaps not the most ethical way to get free drinks, but a way nonetheless (After all, you're still reading this after I suggested identity theft). There's nothing that hits people harder than the "c" word. Cancer is deadly--and there's no way people are gonna let you pay for drinks while you've got one last night to have fun before starting chemo. Hell, you might even get some sympathy sex. The only problem may be that you can only use this once per bar, so maybe make it at a bar you may not go to for a while. And remember kiddies--the later the stage of the disease, the higher the class of the drinks. This also works with break-ups, deaths in the family, and horrific train accidents that your fiancee got in (hey, just thinking outside the box).
Pictured: What? Black people do it all the time.

Become a Con-Artist
How to Prepare: Look Unsuspecting, Think of a Good Ol' Fashioned Ruse, Prepare to Get Ass-Kicked.
How It Works: Usually not recommended, but hell, times are tough. There are millions of ways to do it. Maybe stop a girl from drinking her drink, tell her you saw someone put something it, tell her you'll get her a new one and walk off with it. Just think of an excuse if she asks you about it later. Go around with raffle tickets and a jar and sell them to morons for $2. Like you can't get three idiots at a bar to believe you? This idea WILL piss people off, very much so. So you might need to plan on bar-hopping on a night you do this. Just so, you know, you don't die for a vodka/cranberry.
Pictured: They got people to believe Bernie was dead--twice!

Buy an Auto-Tune Machine
How to Prepare: Go on Iphone, Buy T-Pain Autotune Application, Tell Bar Your Band Will Play All Night for Free Drinks.
How It Works: Yup, even for drinking free, there's an "App" for that! People love auto-tuned shit these days. It's horrific but who cares? Buy an auto-tune machine and pretend you have a band. Pre-record a bunch of shitty music auto-tuned with a similar beat that people can dance to. Most bars will let you play it if you only ask for free drinks. It may be a little more work than the rest but really, if you're thinking of ways to try and get free drinks, you've probably got some time on your hands. Wait--I think I just insulted myself.
Pictured: Worked for him and I doubt he's got a BA.

Well, I hope I helped a little bit. You people enjoy your weekend, YA HEAR?! Until next time, aur revoir mis bonita readers.

The 10 Steps to Happiness: Levels of Drunk

2010-01-12T20:32:00.004-06:00

I know it's been a lackluster year so far here at the blog in 2010, but that's going to change. I've got a lot of compliments of my levels of sports fandom blog I did last year...so I thought I'd carry on that tradition. Of course, now that the blog is exclusively alcohol-related so I figured I'd take it in a different direction. What exactly are the levels of drunkenness? For some, they are difficult to gauge. But there are commonalities in the drunken states that we all occasionally find ourselves in. Here are the 10 Levels of Drunkenness.

Level 1: Tipsy
Common Traits: Giggly, Smiley-Faced, "OH YEAH I KNOW HIM!"
The Level: Tipsy, as said by J-Kwon, is what everyone in the club is getting. It's not drunk at all, really. More just an acknowledgment (or reminder) that "that's alcohol you're drinking, there." It won't get the shy kid to start singing Britney Spears on top of the bar, but it'll get him to start to loosen up a bit and maybe start talking about how the Bulls should probably fire Del Negro already. It's the perfect kind of drunk for a first date: loosened up enough to maybe make a mistake but not enough to blame it on the alcohol.
Pictured: This is like half a glass for a horse.

Level 2: "OK, I'm feeling it..."
Common Traits: Lightheaded, Braggy, "Haha, That's not what Monica told me..."
The Level: When you're feeling it, as the Black Eyed Peas would say, tonight's gonna be a good night. It's still not very high up on the scale, but it's enough to turn giggles to fits of laughter. The ugly people aren't attractive yet (still a ways away from that) but you might be planting the seeds of "Oh, he's kind of funnny...." at this point. Achieved by 1 margarita (for a man) and 2 sips of a margarita (for a girl). Not ready to dance yet but not ready to NOT dance, either. Boom.
Pictured: Ok, the conversion rate can differ....

Level 3: Over the Limit
Common Traits: Starting to Groove, "Oh Hell Yeah," "Ok, Fine, I'll go out..."
The Level: It's where, as ABBA would say, one can just become the dancing queen. No longer are you able to drive but that doesn't mean the night's over. Oh no, on the contrary. It's where one start to find their "groove thing." Finally feeling it enough to maybe dance. At the point where "Ay Bay Bay" actually sounds like a decent song. It's at this point where most people get the brilliant idea to belt out "let's get hammered baby!" Looking back on the night, you can foreshadow the regret you feel the next morning at this point.
Pictured: It's in your future...

Level 4: "Whooooo!"
Common Traits: Volume Increased, Attention Span Decreased, Seizure-Like Dance Moves (White People Only)
The Level: It's where, as T-Pain would say, guys will finally buy you a drank. Where "Whoo!"-Girls finally show their true selves. It's where your inhibition is lost and nothing else matters but having a good time for the rest of the night. Where guys finally get the courage to start hitting on woman at their equal level of attractiveness. Suddenly shots are not only encouraged, but for some reason mandatory. Where most people reach their apex of beer pong abilities. Also where stumbling begins but only once in a while. The point where most girls will start to spill all the secrets their friends just made them promise not to tell anyone. The point most guys will start lying about how much action they got from that girl to save face.
Pictured: Former MLB Superscumbag Jim Edmonds in-between striking out and overdiving for fly balls.

Level 5: Drunk
Common Traits: Dumbed-Down Arguments, Puckered Lips to Show How Cool that Person Is, Hands Raised Above Head (Girls Only) for Maximum Cool Effect
The Level: It's where, as Petey Pablo would say, one must "come on and raise up." Especially if you're from North Carolina. Congratulations, you have finally crossed into drunk! Nothing else matters but your buzz and your level of fun for the night at this point. Everyone else is now irrelevant. Besides members of the opposite sex, of course. It's where your genitalia says "You know, I wouldn't mind if you used me besides to piss once in a while..." Also the level where people begin to make absurd claims such as "Tequila? Nope, doesn't affect me at all." Or "What you drinking brah? Sex on the beach? More like period on the beach. HA!" "Whaaat?" Roasted.
Pictured: Token picture of a black person so I don't seem racist.

Level 6: "You know, Fuck You, Jesse McCartney is awesome!"
Common Traits: Slurred Speech, Dazed Look, Craving High-Fat Foods, Singing Everything that Even Resembles a Song.
The Level: This is where, as 3OH!3 would say, girls start to do the Hellen Keller (as offensive as it may be). You've decided to move on past drunk! Congratulations! Your head will hurt a little in the morning. Where all you wanna do is dance and have sex. And drink much, much more. Where most people lose control of any sort of cares at all in the world including the following obligations the next day: attend a funeral, take a final, be part of a wedding, work, church, and/or voting. It's at this point where people at this level have "deep" conversations and make friends out of complete strangers for no other reason than you are both drinking red wine on the dance floor. Wait...what?
Pictured: See? Friend's forever...

Level 7: "Is that guy staring at me? F**K YOU BUDDY!"
Common Traits: Lack of Self-Awareness, Feeling "Invincible", Ability to make Extremely Rash Decisions, Ability to Make Complete Ass of Self.
The Level: It's where, as Nelly Furtado would say, one becomes a promiscuous girl (if you're female or gay). Where are you? In out of control town, population you. Dance as white as you possibly can. Pick up lines go from good to "You're ass looks hot in those jeans, reminds me of my stepsister." The power of suggestion works well on this level. Someone thinks you can't chuck that Long Island Iced Tea? Fuck them, it's on. Think you can't jump that fire hydrant even though it's really icy out? Jokes on them, I got health insurance anyway BRAH! Fighting always seems like a good idea, especially if it's someone who can kick your ass. (Girl Equivalent: Starting to spread lies about girls they hate. It's emotionally crippling instead of a broken nose.)
Pictured: I LOVE THIS SONG STRANGER!

Level 8: Hammered
Common Traits: Falling Down, Telling People About Their Rock Collection, Creepy, Swaying Back and Forth, Screaming at Highlights to Sports as if they were Currently Happening.
The Level: It's where, as Kanye would say, "I'MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT BEYONCE DOES KARAOKE BETTER!" You have officially fallen off the wagon of civilization and entered a level where anything and everything could and might just happen. That ugly guy/girl from across the bar is now Brad Pitt/Jessica Alba. Your speech is more slurred than Lil Wayne's is sober. Everything is hilarious, brilliant, or epic. Where people do stuff they say they'd never do. Because if you don't say it, who's gonna scream "MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT DREWWWWWWW" on the karaoke mic about your ex-boyfriend?
Pictured: Everyone's got a purpose, you know.

Level 9: Blacked Out
Common Traits: Throwing Up, Grinding with a Mannequin, Yelling Profane Disgusting Thing at People That Really Don't Deserve that at all. Where the part of the brain obsessed with sex becomes your whole brain.
The Level: It's where, as Hilary Duff would say, Why Not? There's no reason not to do anything anything anymore, you won't remember it anyway, remember? You have reached a level only achievable by the Rex Grossman's of the world. You feel like you might puke, but you won't remember if you did, so keep drinking, you amateur. It's at this level where not even Nostradamus could predict what might happen to you. The next morning you will have 2 or more of the following on or near you: bruises, vomit, condom wrapper, extremely ugly person (not including yourself), unfinished food, a broken phone (yours or otherwise), a drink, pee, poo, sharpie drawing of a penis on your face, or women's underwear on your head.
Pictured: What you might wake up--sooner or later.

Level 10: Alcohol Poisoning
Common Traits: Vomiting, Hospital Visits, Doctors Scoffing "Ugh, Another one of those...," Death.
The Level: It's where, as Tupac would say, I'm dead. Unfortunately, this is not a happy level. Only bad things happen. Vomiting with blood in it, usually, is a tell-tale sign you might need to dial 911. Also, people will go from concern to thinking you are a jackass when they hear that you're in the hospital until they hear why. It's the Lindsay Lohan level that few achieve and fewer live through. But worry not, silly alcohol drinker, a simple stomach pump will put you back in action. After all: that case of Natty isn't gonna finish itself.
Pictured: Not as cute as this picture would suggest.

There you have it. A personal level of drunk chart to consult on your future adventures. But that'll be all for now. After all, Level 5 isn't gonna reach itself....

I'm So Druankkkkkkk

2010-01-07T21:46:00.007-06:00

There are certain things that drive girls wild. Dance beats. Comic books. Watching Fox News. Yup, girls are strange creatures. But us men, we are quite unintelligent and will do anything to sleep with women. After all, women basically get to decide who sleeps with who. Unless their hookers. To help you out men, I've organized a comprehensive guide that can tell you if you are being played or what. Here's 25 Things That Are Better Drunk

1. Boobs.
2. Watching Sports. But Not Women's Sports, Those aren't Sports.
3. Taking a Test and Know That You're Failing It While Taking It.
4. Bragging to Your D.D. about How Awesome the Night Was on the Ride Home.
5. Being "that" jackass and yelling "Freebird!" at any concert ever.
6. Painting over the "s" and "d" in the word speed on a speed limit sign.
7. Sex. Obviously, did you really think I was going to leave this off?
8. Family Parties.
9. Going to a baseball game and standing up every time there's a pop up because you're that guy who thinks it could be a home run.
10. Getting out of a speeding ticket.
11. Posting on your grandma's Facebook wall.
12. Getting kicked out of Applebee's for peeing in your water so you "didn't have to pay for lemonade."
13. Telling 6-Years Old the Tooth Fair is "Just a Bunch of Horsecrap--like The fucking Eagles."
14. Showing Up Anywhere Naked.
15. Getting lost and asking a homeless guy for a ride.
16. Chugging the Communion wine at church.
17. Tackling (or Being) a Mall Santa/Easter Bunny.
18. Sending out a mass text to everyone in your phone book that just says "fuck you" and seeing what happens.
19. Screaming the last word of everyone sentences and saying "whooooooo!!!!" after that word.
20. Ask a girl what kind of drink she wants, then take it from the bartender and start drinking it, say "Mmmmm, this is good, thanks for the suggestion!" and walk away from that girl, seeing her face in utter confusion.
21. Taking a bubble bath using bubble gum.
22. Flashing the Cops while yelling "Oink Oink!"
23. Taking 2 Viagra Before Going Out to a Bar
24. Yelling "L'Chiem!" Before the Couple Finish their Vows at a Wedding.
25. Eating Soup with a Fork.

Yes, I Always Wondered What Having Sex On The Moon Would Feel Like, Although It'd Probably Be Hard, and Other Hungover Nonsense: The January Mailbag

2010-01-01T18:42:00.003-06:00

It's a new year...but the mailbag ain't changing, that's for sure! Welcome to 2010....where the mailbag will only get hotter, more raunchy, and even some improvement in the quality of writing (maybe). But anyways...introductions are for people who like wasting time. Let's get to the January Mailbag

Q: Who is a more talented artist Lady Gaga or Britney Spears? Who do you like better personally?
--S. Jillie, Vacationforeverville.
A: This is a tough question. I feel like Lady Gaga probably has more talent, especially since Britney got popular for dancing around as an 18 year old in a schoolgirl outfit. So Gaga. How much that's saying is debatable, though.

Q: What's your favorite kind of whiskey?
--W. Shatner's Stop and Go Voice, Ranchville, WY.
A: Known to be a fine purveyor of whiskey, there are many, many kinds that I do enjoy. As for my favorite--it's so hard to choose--but I'd have to say that Seagrams 7 is my favorite. I mean you can make something sweet, something sour, something ANYTHING with it. But I mean, this question is ridiculous. I love whiskey in general. It's like sex or pizza...bad is still better than nothing.

Q: I'm a girl. I've always heard that girls drink free in bars but I've never figured out how to actually get free drinks. Do you have any tips as to how to get free drinks, since I'm poor and don't feel like paying?
--M. Cyrus' Expaning Maturity, Disneyland, CA.
A: What are you, ten years old and fat? Here are the 5 steps to getting free drinks at bars for girls:
1) Approach a guy, but make sure you are out of his league
2) Flirt with him for approximately 16 seconds.
3) Ask him to buy you a drink.
4) Take a few sips and flirt for a few more seconds (if you wanna be nice).
5) Walk away and repeat.

Q; Why should I listen to Howie Long when it comes to truck buying? And for that matter, is there any way to beat him in a fight?
--T. Bradshaw's Very Annoying Personality, FoxStudios, Republicanville.
A: Because Howie Long is a man. Not just a man, but a MAN. As for fighting him, I think that if you got enough whiskey in Howie and kicked him in the balls, you could get a few shots in before he murdered you.

Q: What is, in your opinion, the worst political decision of the last decade?
--R. Limabugh's Unfilled Prescriptions, Washington RX.
A: I'm tempted to say something about Bush, since I'm so used to going there when thinking about bad political decisions. But, since I'm in a nice mood, I'll go with Congress or whoever in the government and their decision to feel the need to have a hearing on Roger Clemens. Seriously? I don't pay or care to hear about Roger Clemens and his douche steroid use, pedofila, and overall crap poop that is what's coming out of his mouth. Don't waste my tax money on faux trials so the GOV can get some PUB.

Q: If Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have a child, will it end the world?
--D. Beckham's Bending _ick, LA, CA.
A: Well, no. But only because they need to have four kids that look like horsemen, then the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse will be alive and well, living among us, no doubt begging for our attention.

Q: Where is the best place to vacation on every major holiday (i.e. where can I get drunk for cheap)?
--J. Travolta's Fear of Women, Spokane, WA.
A: I'll only use the days that are national holidays, i.e. you'd get off work or school for.
New Years Day: If you really need to drink, NEW Mexico. It's like the old one, except it smells better.
MLK Jr. Day: Anywhere in the North, since the South still hates blacks.
St. Patty's Day: Dublin. Moron.
Easter: Mexico. Aren't they religious or something?
Memorial Day: Vegas. Sex Workers don't get off.
4th of July: Oregon. Talk to Shaune. He'll hook you up with whatever you need.
Labor Day: Vegas. Sex workers don't get off AND you can start betting on football.
Thanksgiving: Go to Turkey and laugh about the irony.
Christmas: Vegas. Sex Workers don't get off.

Q: How is Magic Johnson still alive, let alone announcing? Didn't he get AIDS in like 1990?
--G. Areanas' Unpaid Gambling Debts, TheGunStore.
A: I'm convinced that Magic Johnson's blood is the cure for AIDS and that Magic Johnson is a douche. Guy looks exactly the same as he did when he announced he had it. WTF. Aren't you supposed to lose weight?! Look sick?! Guy has probably put ON muscle. oh Oh OH it's MAGIC.

Q: Got any New Year's Resolution?
--J. Z.'s Extremely Attractive Female Counterpart, Ghettonation.
A: Yeah, to stop answering stupid questions like yours.

Q: What are some movies I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T MISS THIS YEAR? Also, how does it feel to be one of the only people left to not see Avatar that likes movies like you?
--B. Spears' Love of Bald Heads, Crazytown, TN.
A: I'll give you a little list of some movies I think can't miss this year. If I'm wrong about any, I'll buy you a shot:
Shutter Island (February)
Green Zone (March)
Iron Man 2 (May)
Get Him to the Greek (June) (2010's The Hangover Belie' that.
Toy Story 3 (June)
Inception (July)
Harry Potter Deathly Hollows (Nov)
As for anything else, idk. I'm sure there will be indie movies throughout the year that I won't hear of until a week before I see them (i.e. 500 Days of Summer and Slumdog Millionaire) that will be good hopefully. But these are my only guarantees.

Q: Which of the following props would you use during sex: handcuffs, whip, dildo, videocamera, belt, blindfold, and gag.
D. Jeter's Bright Blue Eyes, NY, NY.
A: Handcuffs, Whip, Camera, Belt, Blindfold, and the gag if it's not on me. Dildo? Get the fuck out of here. Keep that shit in the drawer, ladies, it's the least you can do. I mean, I delete the "last websites visited" stuff off my computer before you come over. And it's usually porn. So fair's fair.

Q: Your favorite show, LOST, is ending after it's next season forever. What's the best ending to a show you've ever seen? The worst?
--S. Rogen's Liposuction Surgery, American Samoa.
A: This is such a tough question since I just finished Six Feet Under and the ending was perfect for that show. I mean, The Wire is the best show of the decade, maybe ever, and it's ending was fitting, but not overwhelming. The problem is nowadays that shows always overstay their welcomes and the endings become irrelevant. I'll get the worst over with first...it's definitely Seinfeld, considering it's popularity. It's as if they intentionally chose something that nobody could guess, but I'm sorry, it was batshit stupid. The best, however, might just have to be Six Feet Under. Not to say that it's the best show or anything like that but it had the most overwhelmingly good ending I've ever seen. Hopefully I'll be changing my tune when LOST ends.

Q: What's the most off-putting words that you can use for both male and female genitalia?
--E. Nordegren's Improving Golf Swing, Tiger Wood's House.
A: Yikes. As for male genitalia, the most off-putting word to use for a penis is "sausage" or any derivation about meat. I don't really like it. As for women's, it's obvious: "baby maker." No. Never. Not even if you're trying to have a kid. Instant boner killer.

Q: Britney Spears dyed her hair black. Wouldn't it be cool if a girl dyed her pubic hair (or shaved it) a different, weird color? What if a guy did that?
--A. Carter's Ability to Beat Shaq, StraightUpInTheHood
A: The only thing "cool" about pubic hair is not having it. If you have a little and you died it a weird color, well it ain't gonna stop me from going down on a girl. But I'm certainly not going to discuss how awesome it was that "OH I WENT DOWN ON HER AND SHE HAD NEON ORANGE PUBES!" False. As for men....the same. Just shave most of it damnit. Pubic hair is gross and you'll get alot more head if you do. At least I will. Maybe not you. Me, yes. You, maybe.

Q: If you had to have sex in front of three people, anyone in the world, who would it be and why? Has anyone ever watched you before?
--J. Shore's Inherent Douchiness, Scumville, NJ.
A: Nobody has ever watched me before and I don't think I'd really like it--probably too much pressure. But if I had to pick three people, I'd pick Tiger Woods since he could give me pointers, Padma from Top Chef cause she could have a nice quiche ready for me when I'm done, and Michelle Obama. Just so I'd have SOMETHING over Obama. The only thing you'll need to change after that is your wife's underwear, Barack. BOOMBAMA!

Q: How does one go for eight days without the following: sex, oral sex, handjobs (self-inflicted or otherwise), or any sort of "finish" and stay sane?
--C. Farrell's Very Hot Irish Accent That's Better Than Any England Accent Cause England Sucks, Dublin, Ireland.
A: One drinks alot. One eats alot. One smokes alot. One goes insane every other moment of everyday every hour every minute every second everyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyMOMMMMMMMENTTTTTTT. DAMN YOU SCUBA STEVE.

Q: Hey Brando, I hear you're a godfather now. What's your favorite mob movie of all time?
--M. Brando's Dead But Still Fat Behind, ALbany, NY.
A: My favorite mob movie of all time is The Departed. Listen, I love Godfather and Goodfellas and all that jazz but The Departed just hits me. Loaded cast, great dialogue. It's just a sexy experience for lovers of violence and the F word.

Q: What's the best drunk food you could possibly have in Chicago, IL? I just moved here and am a near alcoholic.
--D. Schrute's Love of Beets, Scranton, PN.
A: I have been and always will be a pizza guy. Although I'm not familiar with many food areas in the city, the best pizza I've had while drinking/after drinking is at Piece in Wicker Park (I think). It's really good and it's a microbrewery...so there's no reason you have to lose your buzz.

Q: Re-Write a Song for Me. Any song. Just re-write it so it's all about alcohol and partying. Pull no punches.
--V. Hot Blonde I Turned Down Last Night, The Internet.
A: For my symphony of drunkenness, I choose 3OH!3's "Don't Trust Me" because of course I do:
Black beer with whiskey underneath,
All this Guinness has stained my teeth.
And that actress doing lines of keef,
She's so drunk she wouldn't know chicken from beef.

T-t-the drinks taste kinda weak,
While my tongue taste kinda like I licked a leaf.
She told her boyfriend "Hey, yo, chief"
That guy's a barbarian and he stole our Jack & Jim.

I want to drink it, Whoa Oh
I want to shot it, Whoa Oh,
i want to stumble ho-ho-ho-ho home
Don't trust the blow, Never Trust the Blow, Won't Trust, Cause the Blow Fucks Up Me.

Exit's and scrapes on my hands
Always in my future since I won't comply with demands
And the drink list, I spit on that page
Then hit on some chick since I know she's engaged.

S-S-She's not giving into my charm
I wonder if this works back in Veitnam.
And the best is, back in Myanmar
Just a few places I;ve got kicked out of so far.

She wants my drink, Whoa Oh
I want my drink, Whoa Oh,
I think I'll trade it for a blow-oh-oh-oh
Trade your drink for sex, Always trade for Sex, Will Trade, Cause Sex fills me with Glee.

Shush girl, shut your lips
If I wanted to hear you talk I wouldn't have made you strip
(repeat 3 times)

I'll let her drink it, Whoa Oh
I'll have a little, Whoa Oh
This verse sucks, whoa oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Drinks over hoes, Always Booze Befo, Don't Drink if you're Expecting.

That's it for the mailbag this month--aur revoir muchachas!

Guys Just Wanna Have Rum

2009-12-31T16:33:00.000-06:00

WHAT? God, I'm ancy. Can't you tell? My girlfriend has been on a cruise for a while and I've had no car since then and my hormones feel like a pregnant girl craving chocolate, then sex, then chocolate again. Then sex. Again. Damnit. I like girly drinks and I presume every guy does. They're frickin delicious. But I would never order one. Girls may not know why. I'm here, as always, to explain. Here is What Fruity Drinks Say About Straight Guys.

Cosmopolitan
Why He Ordered It: Feel asleep to "Sex in the City" and is jonesing for one bad.
Probable Reaction: "What's that red thing in your hand, bro?"
Cover Up Attempt: Ordering a cosmo is an experience for a man. An experience in extreme lameness, that is. He's throwing out all reservations for good taste, something no men do. That's why we drink whiskey, scotch, and tequila. A man who has enough guts to say "cosmopolitan" is a man with misguided guts. Someone who orders it might tell you "It's really just a fancy name for a vodka/cranberry!" Whatever, Samantha. If the bartender is a guy, he will snicker and not serve this guy for the rest of the night. If the bartender is female, she'll set him up on a blind date--with her gay best friend.
Pictured: Founder of the Samantha Fan Club

Appletini
Why He Ordered It: Watches alot of "Scrubs" and is trying to be ironic or something.
Probable Reaction: "When you're done, are you gonna stick that tini core up your ass?"
Cover Up Attempt: The man likes vodka, yet can't deal with it straight. Doesn't like beer or any of that other "manly" stuff. Really just wants a drink that tastes good. Too bad that means all the men are going to be looking at him. Straight ones making fun of him and gay ones wondering how big his penis is. The man's friends will ostracize him for the rest of the night, for fear of "gay by association" chants. Will likely attempt to salvage his rep by pounding whiskey the rest of the night but, as is when you wet your pants eight years ago, "people don't forget!"
Pictured: Future Molester of your son.

Tequila Sunrise
Why He Ordered It: Remembers that one time he got hammered off Cuervo and banged that hand model.
Probable Reaction: "Sunrise? You gotta wake up in the morning to get your balls waxed?"
Cover Up Attempt: Well, it is tequila. But who drinks orange juice at a bar? Females. That's who. I mean the drink is red. You must be on your period, bro! Probably will try to make up for this drink by getting more ass than you. Fucker. Go listen to that Eagles song. "Just another Tequilaaaa Sunrise." I'VE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT AND I HATE THE FUCKING EAGLES MAN! And I hate not getting ass. It's like you get to it, you get to the mambo then she's like no no. FUCK. My brain is farting. Stupid penis.
Pictured: A guy who also hates The Eagles. And they do blow.

Amaretto/Midori Sour
Why He Ordered It: Heard the girl next to him order it and has been to bar like twice in his life.
Probable Reaction: "You like it sweet, eh sugartits?"
Cover Up Attempt: Not experienced in acceptable bar etiquette, apparently he didn't know there is a such thing as a "whiskey sour." It's alright to order this drink--if you wanna walk around like a jackass. One would have to say a Midori Sour is worse because, well, it's green. And it's only ok for a guy to drink green drinks on St. Patricks Day. Or if you're in China for New Year's--more on that later, though. Hold on--I'm having a chocolate craving. AHHHH!!! Whew where was I? Oh yes. Midori Sours. They're for fags.
Pictured: i think that's a guy. If it's not....yikes.

Pina Colada
Why He Ordered It: Maybe he just heard that one song and likes getting caught in the rain.
Probable Reaction: "What's in that drink--cum and rum? No wonder you're swallowing it so fast."
Cover Up Attempt: I've never been a fan of Pina Colada's. Rum is overrated and this drink is actually the highest calorie drink of all the alcoholic drinks (source: look it up on your own on google.) Perhaps the guy was on vacation and ordered it since it's such a vacation drink. May try and make up for his mistake by ordering Corona afterwards but Corona is nearly as girly. Why don't you just drink Michelob Ultra Light? Pussy. Go get caught in the rain with some other guy's balls. (All Blog and No Sex Makes Mike a Mean Boy)
Pictured: Pucker up, madam.

Fuzzy Navel
Why He Ordered It: Had schnapps that one time and it was "a killer night, dawg."
Probable Reaction: "Your dick get schnapped off or something?"
Cover Up Attempt: I'm not sure how one could go to up to a bar and ask for this drink. This drink doesn't even taste good! But I suppose after the guy who orders this gets slapped in the balls til he pukes, he could drink straight scotch for the rest of the night, get the phone numbers of twins, and get laid in the bathroom to atone for such a hideous bar offense as ordering a fuzzy navel. Who even likes a literal fuzzy navel? NOT MEN! Nobody wants to see hair on a girl there--or anywhere besides her head for that matter! SHAVE SHAVE SHAVE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Pictured: Milk--a manly drink.

Long Island Iced Tea
Why He Ordered It: Wants to get fucked up and has no idea what to order besides this.
Probable Reaction: "What, you need to be hammered to hook up with chicks?"
Cover Up Attempt: Some may disagree and say the long island is more of a universal drink, for men and women, or a good name for a big penis that a Jewish girl made up. But I disagree (with the first part). The long island iced tea is expressly for getting girls drunk enough to get horny and make mistakes. Guys wanna get drunk, order a beer. Order whiskey. Goddamnit, don't ruin the long island iced tea. LET GIRLS HAVE IT! THE MORE OF A GIRLY DRINK WE MAKE IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL DRINK IT, THE MORE GIRLS WILL BE DRUNK, THE MORE GIRLS WILL HAVE SEX! Listen to me. Please? (Ed.'s Note: Mike has lost it. This is why you don't participate in "sex challenges" with your girlfriend when she's on vacation.)
Pictured: YOU THINK THIS SHIT HAPPENS WHEN GIRLS DRINK BEER?

I hope I helped you examine the male psyche of girl drunkenness. There's not much to it really. Stray away from these ones though, ladies! They might turn over before you know it! Happy New Years! GET DRUNK AND HAVE FUN AND GET LAID I WONT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Drunk Real Time Pom-Pom Review: Bring It On: All or Nothing

2009-12-27T16:14:00.000-06:00

You like it, you love it...here's some more of it. Drunk real time reviews of all those cheerleading movies you love cherish and ask for on your birthdays, anniversaries, christmas, chanukah, and kwanza. On that note...if you celebrate kwanza...you probably aren't at the right blog. But read on anyone! It's the one with Hayden Penetrationierre! That hot chick from Heroes and the little girl from Remember the Titans. And if you're a pedofile, that hot little girl from Remember the Titans. Also, please leave if you are that. Also the token black girl is Beyonce's sister...and she's 22. For once, I'm the real winner between writer vs. readers.

00:00:00: I'm drinking whatever the hell I want! WHAT DOES IT MATTA?!

00:00:44: Hayden grinding at prom. Then jumping. Who cares about the plot.

00:01:11: The star QB wins prom king. Where do they go to school, CRAZYTOWN?!?!

00:01:57: Cheering at Prom? Ummm...I feel like that's cool I guess.

00:02:55: Some kind of Satan worship cheer is going down. Is this one of those movies liek From Dusk Til Dawn where the vampires don't come til halfway through?

00:03:43: If this is one of Hayden's dreams, then where am I?

00:03:55: Hayden farted. Wait...girls do that?

00:04:33: Killer camera phone Hay-dawg.

00:05:00: Rihanna is in this? If Chris Brown shows up....WHOA!

00:05:55: PDA for Hay-Hay? AH so gross OMG WTF.

00:06:16: Hayden's a virgin? Haha. So is Lindsay Lohan.

00:06:59: Dude's gonna bang her by homecoming. I like this plot. It's like if American Pie was centered around jailbait and retarded monkeys.

00:07:46: Some guy just got hit in the balls. You really can't go wrong with comedy like that.

00:08:20: What's wrong with a big ass? I like them. So do black people. Right? I don't really know any, so maybe I'm wrong.

00:09:33: Hayden eating Funyons. I think I dreamt about that a few times. Also, they just mentioned Rihanna 3 times in a sentence. Shameless promotion, ftw I suppose.

00:10:38: Hayden's dad has a hideous mustache. This is a new category of bad mustache. It will be forever known as Shitstache.

00:11:16: Hayden has to move. RIGHT WHEN SHE MADE CAPTAIN! AHHH FUCK THAT!

00:12:04: Hayden was chewing gum and then she wasn't all in one double take. Someone must have used Diet iMovie to edit this one.

00:13:13: I think they are burying a dead body. Wait. They were burying her pom poms. Not even Beyonce's jailbait daughter can save us!

00:14:22: Girl spinning on her head. Doesn't that hurt or cause brain damage? Or wait...this is public school. Nevermind, nobody cares!

00:15:04: Awww Hayden's already getting made fun of at the black school. Let's all feel bad for her. Whoa beyonce's daughter isn't even that cute. My advice: ride the sis' coattails.

00:16:13: Blonde walking into a black school. Like meat thrown into the lions den.

00:17:00: "You speak IM? OFW!" That was literally written by someone. There have been like 82 abreevs. Save me whiskey.

00:18:05: The metal detector went off in Hayden's pants. Join the club.

00:19:09: Why would she need to go to public school if she was rich? That's so dumb, take a limo an hour away you stupid hoebag.

00:20:15: Some ho just slapped HayHay's Booty. From now on, I will speak ghetto in honor of mental retardation.

00:20:55: That cafeteria food looks good. If poop tastes good. HAHAHA.

00:21:21: Who the fuck cheers in a cafeteria? I would throw hot dogs ate them and yell "You suck suck those!"

00:22:02: Black people are pleased so easily. Must be why Tyler Perry's rich.

00:22:53: Not even the white chicks like Hayden. At least you can act!

00:23:55: hayden ran into a locker. Her rack looks better when she's lying down.

00:24:36: I bet these two will kiss in the next hour. Now excuse me while I kisssss da skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

00:25:11: Holy S, yo! Dose Cheerleedas be rockin' mad flips and handostandos! And that guy is clearrly nawt Hispaniccc!

00:26:03: (Convienent announcement for cheerleading tryouts)

00:26:34: "Queerleaders!" Haha new name for male cheerleaders in my memory bank forevah evah.

00:27:19: The production value on this movie is surprisingly low.

00:28:22: Beyonce's sis is a total bitch. I'm telling Beyonce on you. (Dreams of doing so.....)

00:29:09: Girl's are so much more manupulative than guys. Like, twirling their hair means FUCK YOU HOBITCH. Whoa!

00:30:00: Cheer off! I haven't been this aroused since 4:59!

00:30:34: One time, One day, I want to be known as "Vanilla Latte." IGTS. What does that mean, mis hoes de sorority?

00:32:44: Where does one go about getting one of those pink star crusted heart jackets? Also, Rihanna radio mention. I bet you a penny worth of Kristal that she plays at the final competition.

00:33:55: Pout Pout Pout I want to cheer. Oops I feel in a box wah wah wah.

00:34:40: Hayden just grabbed a guy's balls. Now THAT'S a threat I wanna be threatened with! SEX JOKE!

00:35:35: Black can, for all intensive purposes, dance very well. But that doesn't mean we whites cannot "bust a move." Oh the lingo kids use nowadays!

00:35:53: First "awww shit!" It's about time.

00:36:44: Girl just flicked off Hayden and said "That's my spirit finger." I've got spirit fingers. They're gunfingaz.

00:37:40: Flat-chested girl from the old school can't get control of the squad. Push up bras might help.

00:38:22: Holy shit this girl learned to dance at the StripClub University. My favorite of them all.

00:39:05: Asian girl's a blackbelt. Where's the stereotyping?

00:40:20: They're break dance fighting.

00:40:50: They now appear to be crumping. That's not a thing, is it?

00:41:48: Now Hayden is crumping. I'd crump the shit out of her.

00:42:38: Hayden looks like my girlfriend when she's having an epileptic fit.

00:43:31: If crumping will get me noticed by Rihanna, what will ChrisBrowning do?

00:44:40: Beyonce Jr doesn't like crumping. Jay-Z Jr must have her on a leash!

00:45:43: I like her hoopy earings. Ghettofab.

00:46:11: I know nothing about fashion and know that what Hay-Hay's wearing is what gay people would call "a disaster worse than Chernobyl."

00:47:49: Why doesn't wanna have sex with the dumb jock? Isn't that all girls misguided and what will eventualy be a dissappointment's dream?

00:48:48: Is there a real "Cheer TV" and how can I order it on Comcast?

00:49:40: The school has a drumline. Where's Nick Cannon? He's hialrrrrious.

00:50:30: Flat chest vs. HayHay's Boobs! Together they might make a regular breast size.

00:51:50: Rihanna mentions: 19. Strangely, I feel like listening to "Disturbia."

00:52:33: Girls are gonna crump all the way to nationals. You go, respectful word for ladies.

00:53:22: Nothing like a cheer montage to "Hollaback Girl." I think 96% of their budget was for the music and Rihanna.

00:54:36: Maroon is such an ugly color. When will people learn.

00:55;11: I go to the beach in november too. Except I go ice skating.

00:55:33: That's hilar, West Coast Guido.

00:56:30: Kiss. How cute, except HayHay looks like she ain't feeling it. Maybe she's got his hair gel in her eye.

00:57:30: Now she looks like a pinata. WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY SPELLING OUT IM ABBREVIATIONS IN NORMAL CONVERSATION EVERY OTHER WORD AHHHH

00:58:12: Apparently, your dog dying is a bad excuse to miss a cheer meet. If you say it like a bumbling idiot.

00:59:00: Me thinks that's not the last time our beloved Hayden has put a twizzler in her mouth.

00:59:38: The dumb jock is doing a good job at playing the dumb jock. Me thinks that's no coincidence.

01:00:31: I'll beat the "dude" out of you. That's pretty clever.

01:01:11: Guido vs. Dumbass for HayHay. The pretty girls sure know how to choose them.

01:02:02: A room key as a prom present. How romantic. I got some hand lotion for prom.

01:03:21: A Rihanna mention and a fat joke in the same sentence and HAYDEN AINT HAPPY! BITCHES BE STEPPING ON HER SHIT!

01:04:10: The following words were said in near succession: "Crouching Tiger, Wigger, Buttpirate" Somewhere, a 14-year old writer is counting the money from this movie.

01:05:31: My brain hurts.

01:06:20: Hayden just straight up worked it with her booty. All ghetto style. (Looks for hand lotion I got for prom)

01:07:03: Flat Chest wins Prom Queen. Her uncircumsised dad and fat mom must be so proud.

01:08:11: Dumb jock gets broken up with. Looks like the guido's gonna win out. First time since The Situation fought Snooki.

01:09:35: Don't diss a black person. ALso, Hayden learned valuable lesson that you should conform. How sweet.

01:10:14: RahRahBarbie and her WuTangClan. So much racial tension, I feel like I'm watching West Side Story, Retard Edition.

01:11:11: She's back on the squad. Did I even mention that she was off it? Eh who cares. Deal with it.

01:12:39: Cheerleaders sure are flexible. I know because I slept with so many in high school.

01:13:26: Gotta tell HayHay how you feel! Be a Guido not a Guidon't!

01:14:33: Rihanna makes an apperance. Wonder how much effort she puts in to this. Answer: Not Much.

01:15:30: HayHay's team is cheering and it looks like all she did was take some Beginner's Ballet Lessons to learn the part. Bravo.

01:16:21: I'm no cheer judge, but this is just dancing.....If I can tell the difference.....

01:17:09: But since Rihanna's judging....the ghettoer the better I suppose. BTW how is that fat black chick getting thrown? Be like me throwing a Toyota.

01:18:32: Hayden's rivals are doing much better. And by that I mean...they are dressed way sluttier.

01:19:24: They're still cheering and the slutty comment was really all I had.

01:20:22: One of the rival hoes just passed out from lack of eating. Reminds me of that time I got stoned and forgot I was eating until I passed out mid chew.

01:21:45: These people are treating a big ass like it's some sort of hinderance. Rihanna's judging...shake that thing girl.

01:22:25: Guido and HayHay are making up. Classic.

01:23:21: The winners are in! And Rihanna's back from her part-time job of being Chris Brown's sparrer.

01:24:11: We have the twist ending! IT's between the two rival schools!

01:24:41: Cheer-Off in front of Rihanna. Reminds me of that tike I ____'d off in front of Rihanna.

01:25:46: Rivals (SluttyDancers) go first and they are dancing as slutty as ever, with a few moans thrown in. Christmas in December. Wait. That line doesn't work.

01:26:43: They're gonna improv like they do on the streets! Or Curb Your Enthusiasm. Probably the streets though.

01:27:29: Question: how are they all in sync if they are improv'n. That makes little sense. Then again...I am watching Bring it On 3 while drinking.

01:28:49: Also, they are dressed in camo. It's not hot. At least they blend in. Don't black people already look enough alike? Haha, I kid I kid.

01:29:31: Rihanna loves it. She's in the minority. But she's used to that so it's ok.

01:30:09: Rihanna also loves making the rules. Time the titles been said: 6.

01:31:16: HayHay's team wins. Proceed to feel shock and awe. And sunshine.

01:32:20: Is over. Commence real celebration.

Goodnight!

'Twas Drunk Before Christmas

2009-12-24T00:16:00.003-06:00

Twas drunk before Christmas, looking up my girls blouse
The whole room was blurry, her squeaking like a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
but I tore them down and put up my underwear.

The children could probably hear us in bed,
"Stop!" they cried, but that's not what she said.
And her mom and mine drank wine, spilling on their lap
While the whiskey I'm drinking tastes like crap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
'twas just my friend Tom in his car, drunker and fatter
Right out the window, I hear quite a crash
But it was just my drunk friend knocking over my trash.

And his drunk ass fell down in the snow,
Which was a shame, cause he spilled all the blow.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My mom and hers lining up some good cheer.

We took shots of tequila but the blow hit us quick!
We were more fucked than Tiger Woods' dick.
"I love a white christmas," I did proclaim,
"What a faggot!" they said, and my high felt like shame.

"You're both skanks and whores, maybe even vixens!
Oh, you use Comet to clean carpets, but it makes the stains mix in!
And look at those drapes, you should be appalled!
Now line up more cocaine, before I go bald!"

As I looked for vodka, rum, or some rye
The cabinet was bare, the whole house was dry.
But as I searched the home of the women I not knew,
I found some chew, brew, and sniffed glue.

And then, while tweaking, I heard a noise on the roof
But it was probably just my mind going aloof.
The ladies were talking of shopping, it sounded so profound!
I went back to the daughter, debating the complex nature of proper nouns!

As I arrived, she sparked up a doobie, as long as a foot!
And she handed me a bottle with beer, not of the variety "root."
Like a dream, she pulled out some heroin and crack,
I said "Suit yourself, I don't dabble in smack."

His eyes-how they sparkled, I thought the drugs made her merry,
Until her nose bled out like 100 smashed cherries.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And all I could think of was getting more blow.

For the next fifteen minutes, I stared at a wreath,
while the old ladies watched "What Lies Beneath."
That Michelle Pfieffer, I said, Isn't she smelly?
The old ladies were confused and turned back to the telly

"Your daughter, I say, that's short as an elf,
I think she OD'd and puked on herself!"
I sipped on my whiskey, while the women fleed,
I didn't feel bad, everyone knows not to mix heroin and speed.

I turned up the telly, the women were yelling and going berserk,
They rushed to the ER, while she bled on my seat. Jerk.
And laying my finger aside of my nose,
I asked if they could drop me at off at the 2-for-1 special at Joe's.

They rushed into the hospital, as fast as a missle,
I stayed in the car to listen to that rap song with the whislte.
There I sit drunk, as high as a kite,
Not letting a pesky O.D. ruin Christmas night!

Mike's Mildly Concussed Head's Best TV Shows of the Decade

2009-12-22T12:25:00.004-06:00

I know these last few posts have had little to do with alcohol, but I must get said needs out of my system. Bear with me...I'll have another real-time review and holiday post up before years end. But you should all know the greatest things of the decade...so they are not lost to the past. What are the greatest TV shows of the decade and what criteria am I basing this on? Criteria is unimportant. It is the my opinion and you will follow it blindly thank you good day let's do this. Here are the 10 Best TV Shows of the 00's, As Told By Me With A Mild Concussion.

Honorable Mention: "Mad Men" -- "Mad Men," one of the best shows currently on TV, loses out on a top ten spot for one reason and one reason only: the inconsistency of it's third season, although still a good season, has not been up to par with season's one and two.

10. Freaks and Geeks
Included Because: F&G's is probably still the best depiction of high school life to be on television. Although it only lasted one season, it paved the way for future Judd Apatow to be one of the most successful comedic directors of the decade. Actors Jason Segel, Seth Rogen, James Franco, among others, all got their start right here. And what a brilliant, funny depiction it was. Anyone who was ever a "freak" or a "geek" in high school can identify with the hilariously real creations that are the shows characters.

9. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Included Because: In a painful eight years of ineptitude in the White House, an historical election and perhaps the worst national tragedy in our nation's history, Jon Stewart became the face of the younger generation's news. Finally, there's someone to call out the screaming heads at Fox News, among other news outlets, and criticize the government when it needed to be. Jon Stewart perhaps was one of the most politically influential people, especially to younger people, of the decade.

8. The Sopranos
Included Because: HBO's excellent mob drama, The Sopranos was an explosively entertaining drama. Even the world's scariest people are not exempt from psychological problems like depression and anxiety, i.e. Tony Soprano. The show, although some were disappointed with the ending, was consistently captivating throughout its run. It's characters gave stand out performances and the story's direction never faltered. Mob life has never been so dramatic on the small screen.

7. Battlestar Galactica
Included Because: BSG, which will get me openly criticized for me being a complete loser and it's spot on the list, was an excellent drama. I once thought too that it was completely only for nerds of the highest degree--until I saw it. It's action packed, thumping space drama that has rich characters and a compelling mythos. It's so much more than just nerd fodder: it's a human drama, set in space. Freaks and Geeks is in high school, The Sopranos is in the mob, and BSG is in space. Why it gets the nerd rap, I don't know, but it's undeserved since it's excellence is relatively unmatched in the sci-fi genre, or almost any drama as a whole.

6. Curb Your Enthusiasm
Included Because: Larry David's next show about nothing is almost as good, if not as good, as his baby Seinfeld. Such a simply show, played to perfection by David and his improv companions. It's the tale of a rich Jewish man living in L.A., obsessed with the most superfluous, ridiculous details of life. It's hilarious in it's subtly but also overt in that it knows what it's dealing with. It's Seinfeld, on HBO, with a different lead actor that can actually act.

5. The Office (U.S.)
Included Because: Some might argue it should be the British version in this spot and perhaps those people are right. But the American "Office" translates much better to it's American audience than the British one. And let's be honest: the American version is a much happier show. Besides it's lackluster 1st season, The Office has been consistently hilarious. It perhaps uses running jokes better than any other show, yet still manages to keep them funny. It has developed every member of Dunder Mifflin and given their own perfect persona. The Office is funny, awkward, and heartfelt. And it's proved that you CAN have the "will they or won't they" couple get together and still keep the show very, very funny.

4. Friday Night Lights
Included Because: It's one of the crimes of the decade that viewers couldn't see past the football of this show and give it a chance--since it's one of the best dramas on television. It's focus on a small, football obsessed town focuses on so much more than sport. High school, marriage, corruption, and all the elements of a good drama are there to draw the viewers in. No show will break your heart or lift it up more so than FNL, and you will be rewarded for your faith in the show while tuning in. It's a show that's hard to describe but so easy to be drawn in by. Brilliant, yet overlooked, performances give the show a mystique rarely found on TV.

3. Lost
Included Because: For all it's haters, Lost has a ridiculously obsessed fanbase, me included. Usually sci-fi doesn't capture the loyalty of a large fanbase, but this show has done so by developing it's characters and centering the show around them. The show, granted, can be confusing at times, but really only to those who do not completely invest in the show. It's preposterously addicting--like the TV edition of crack. It's one of those things that must be seen to be believed. Beautiful, enriching, and emotionally invested, Lost will be a show imitated for years to come.

2. Arrested Development
Included Because: AD was definitely the best comedic creation of the decade. Centered around a dysfunctional family, AD became an epic collection of running jokes, catchphrases, meta-humor, and preposterously hilarious characters. It's a show that has lived on long past it's end date and has inspired similar shows. AD is the best sitcom of the decade, maybe even one of the best ever, and is so glorifiably table and just plain fun to watch that it's longevity will likely last much longer than any show could ever dream to.

1. The Wire
Included Because: The Wire is an achievement unlike any other. Paint a portrait of an entire city: but not only it's police force, rather it's police, it's drug dealers, it's addicts, and it's corrupt politicians. It explores the inner workings of the entire system, not just one. It's deliberate pacing may be off putting at first--but it transforms the show into something unbelievably monumental. It's one of the best collection of acting, direction, story, and personality that television has ever seen. It's emotionally haunting and supremely confident and real. It doesn't pull any punches or turn something into a happy ending to keep the audience uplifted. It's real, it's disturbing, it's captivating, but most of all--it's one of the best televisions since forever and ever.

Best Movies of the Decade

2009-12-18T19:06:00.002-06:00

It's been quite a decade, hasn't it? Maybe not for movies, but still. What are the best movies of the decade? Who knows? Me. Here are the 11 Best Movies of the Decade.

11. Almost Famous (2000)
Almost Famous is a brilliant reminder of the beauty of music. I don't understand people who can't find emotion from listening to something beautiful in their headphones while lying in the dark. It's in Almost Famous that so many tragically beautiful moments remind us of the utter preposterousness of trying to be cool--when being yourself is the coolest thing in the world. From the "Tiny Dancer" scene on the bus, to the crazy awesome performance of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Almost Famous is the quintessential music movie.

10. In Bruges (2008)
Out of nowhere, perhaps the biggest surprise of this list swept up out of nowhere and simply stuns the audience. It's funny, smart, and the performances of Ralph Fiennes, Colin Farrell, and Brandon Gleason are all spot on with the tone of the movie. Set in the medieval town of Bruges, Belgium, the film follow two hitmen hiding out and the bizarre circumstances that surround them. Perhaps the most surprising thing about the movie is how much heart it is. It is bizarrely sweet, in a way that only a movie about two Irish hitmen hiding out in a historical town could be.
Funny Moments

9. The 40-Year Old Virgin (2005)
Judd Apatow's first effort as director started off a new era of comedy. To the ridiculous concept and bromance fad the movie starts, 40-Year Old Virgin is one of the most re-watchable movies of the decade. Steve Carrell is hilarious and it really started the rise of Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd as comedic tools. It's a comedic masterpiece that is quotable from start to finish, and who can ask for much more?

8. The Departed (2006)
Martin Scorsese's gangster flick, just a remake of an Asian film, brings so much to the table. One might look at the ridiculously stacked cast of DiCaprio, Damon, Nicholson, and Wahlberg, just to name a few, for the films success. And they wouldn't be far off. The densely layered plot takes twists and turns and drives its characters in so many different directions, it's hard to figure out who's playing who sometimes. But Scorsese succeeds where other gangster films fail: he's got an excellently written script to go along with the violence. And it's played to near perfection.

7. Lost in Translation (2003)
All lists are subjective, and I know this pick will be disputed. But there's something so beautiful about Lost in Translation. Painting Tokyo as a vibrant, alive city with two dead inside souls inside it, Sofia Coppola captures the feeling of hopelessness perfectly. What some may find boring about this movie, I simply find fantastic. Bill Murray is excellent and even Scarlett Johnasson's dialogue is minimal, as to allow us to take in her beauty. Lost in Translation shows that age, location, and distance have nothing to do with our happiness. It can happen anytime, anywhere, no matter what.
Lost in Translation Moments

6. (500) Days of Summer (2009)
Out of nowhere, a movie can take its audience and make it feel like they're living up on that screen. And in (500) Days of Summer, it's hipster agenda aside, it all feels real. It's what happens when two people fall in and out of love and how our own ideas of it can blind us from the truth. One of the best love stories of the decade, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the adorable Zooey Deschanel act on screen like they've been there before--and we all have.

5. There Will Be Blood (2007)
Pair the greatest actor of the generation with the greatest director of the generation and this is what you get: a piece of cinematic brilliance. Daniel Day-Lewis puts in a mesmerizing performance behind director Paul Thomas Anderson's oil spectacle. The movie is often overshadowed by Day-Lewis' bravura show of a performance, but Paul Thomas Anderson's vision is about much more than that. The ending has turned into a bit of a pop culture joke, but lest not forget how amazingly mesmerizing this PTA and DDL made There Will Be Blood.

4. Cidade de Deus (City of God) (2002)
The best foreign language film of the decade, if not the century, is no doubt City of God. The Brazilian gangster epic pans a depressing picture of the youth of Brazil's slums and the inner working of the terrifying "City of God" area that is a haven for violence. It's a brilliant piece of cinema and a master work of art that could only be equaled by a Scorsese.

3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
The greatest love story in the 00's, Eternal Sunshine is indie filmmaking with A-list stars. Perhaps the female performance of the decade, Kate Winslet is excellent as a quirky, lovelorn companion for Jim Carrey. As the movie erases the memories of their past romance, it doesn't stop them from finding each other yet again. It's serendipity at it's finest and it's the essence of love in it's most supernatural way.

2. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Shaun of the Dead is the reason many of those shitty parody movies are made--but one can hardly blame it. The best zombie movie, best comedy, and one of the best stories of the decade, Shaun combines all these elements to a near perfect result. There's little to complain about as Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Director Edgar Wright take us on an hilarious journey through London as a bunch of underachievers try to survive a zombie invasion. It's heartfelt, it's funny, and best of all--it knows exactly what it is and knows the perfect tone to convey.

1. Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
It's the reason we go to movies. To be enchanted. It's a love story but that's an inaccurate description. Every element of the film works to 100% perfection. The soundtrack is thumping in the vibrant slums. The cinematography is beautiful in an imperfect world. The actors are perhaps not perfect, but real. Director Danny Boyle leaves his audience with a feeling of euphoria leaving the theatre. It's a movie to be remembered. Cliched? Who cares? When a life is that hard, nothing but a happy ending is deserved.